Tuesday, December 18, 2012

JP and Ashley’s Wedding Recap – I’ve seen enough tongue for one night, thank you.

I mean seriously, can someone teach these two how to have a nice, quick peck on the lips? Not EVERY kiss has to have lip sucking and tongue action. It was nauseating.

How ironic that it says PG on the top of the screen

Good to see after three months away, I can get just as annoyed at this show and the dildos on it. On that note, I’m sorry for my absence. But I dare anyone to write for 11 weeks straight about the Bachelor, only to be thrown into a season of the Bachelorette, only to be force-fed Bachelor Pad, and actually want to ever look at their computer ever again. But really, yes, I was excited to take a break but then the fall got crazy – we had a death in the family, we sold our house, bought a new one, moved and are STILL feuding with the peeps who bought our house. So yes, drama and chaos. But I had to recap this shit, and you know I won’t miss Sean’s season. Although did you see him at Ashley and JP’s wedding? The dude is boring. He even sits boring.

So thanks for the emails and Facebook messages asking me where the fuck I’ve been. I love you all. And I’m back.

The Journey 

To start this two-hour marathon, Chris Harrison introduces the show and tells us this is the third Bachelor/Bachelorette wedding. First we had Trista and Ryan, which was a mind-blowing nine years ago. I’ve spent a decade on this shit franchise? Wow. And then we had Molly and Jason which doesn’t really count since he didn’t pick her on the finale, but whatever…and now Ashley and JP. I like how Smitty said, “This is the third Bachelor wedding, and we’re very proud of that.” Ummm, three weddings out of twenty-five seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette? That’s 12%. Would you be excited if you got 12% on a math test? Pipe down, ABC. This is a train wreck and we all know it.

Okay, then we then dive into 90 minutes of their “journey”. JP says, “There was no question in my mind that she’s the one. She’s always been the one.” He’s very gung-ho about his love for her and it’s an ongoing theme here. I want to tell him to slow down on the “I worship the ground she walks on” talk. It’s…a lot. I get that they’re in love but it’s bordering on pussydom. (Like a kingdom of pussies? Sorry, I’m out of practice.)

Apparently, Ashley is in her pediatric dentist residency in Philadelphia and I’m oddly thrilled to learn she hasn’t thrown away her entire education on this show. I thought she might be one of those chicks who tries to make a career from her fifteen seconds of fame on this shit show. Like she’d start a purse company or try to do the local weather in Tampa.

They live in Princeton, New Jersey, which is apparently making Ashley baby hungry. They buy apples there and walk Ashley’s dog, Boo (because if you love Ashley, you love her dog. She’s a package deal, blah blah blah. You psycho.)

Anyway, they get their families together in some restaurant in New York, to tell them that they’ve finally set a wedding date. JP says, “Our families don’t come together that often but when we do it’s just all smiles and fun.” Say what? I guaran-fucking-tee you that it’s not all smiles. No family get-together is all smiles, especially when you mix with in-laws. And it’s especially a lie in this family – wanna know why? Because I bet you a bitrillion dollars that JP’s sweet Mom hates Ashley’s sister. Speaking of Ashley’s mom, she looks really sweet...but she could use a chemical peel, no?

Next, they meet with their wedding planner, who will pretend to listen to them, but will then leave the meeting and do the entire wedding based on ABC’s requests. Oh and she wants nine bridesmaids...and their dog in the wedding. Assholes.

They also discuss Ashley’s need for more than one cake. Why? She’s not going to eat more than one slice anyway? Does her forehead want an extra piece? (She’s actually gotten a handle on her forehead issue, with a nice haircut and bangs. But the joke is still funny. To me, anyway.) They’re also giving the guests forget-me-nots as favors, for them to plant in their own gardens when they get home. Why doesn’t the planner say, “Hmm, while I appreciate the cheesy thought, nobody in their right fucking mind will be excited to get shit to plant in their garden when they get home.” Oh my god, maybe there ARE people who would like that? I bet my closet-hippie best friend might. Ericka, weigh in please.

After their meeting with the planner, they sit in a park and he wears his long underwear (naturally) and they feed each other cupcakes, which is just uncanny because it’s EXACTLY what my husband and I did after we met with our celebrity planner about what part our Yorkie will play in our made-for-TV wedding. But please tell me this is staged because it’s fucking weird to feed an adult cupcakes in a romantic, sexy-type way.

Ashley then takes her mom, JP’s mom and her bitch sister (who is working overtime to compensate for last season’s whoreness), to try on her wedding dress. It already fits like a glove (a tight, whore-y glove), so again, this shit is staged for TV. Bitch Sister does not look pleased.

Onto a six-second segment that shows JP choosing a tux for the wedding. All I can think about during this part is, “I bet Ashley has dentist fantasies about fixing JP’s Dad’s teeth.”

Onto Neil Lane to choose wedding bands. One take-away here: Neil Lane with chest hairs sticking out is enough to make me purge my burrito dinner.

We randomly pan to the wedding, where Smitty is chatting up Jason and Molly Mesnick. You know, THESE two:

I mean, how could you NOT want to bang that guy? Anyway, she’s pregnant. No Chris Harrison, THEY are not pregnant. SHE is pregnant. I HATE that. THEY are having a baby, yes, but HE is not pregnant. Fuck.

Anyway, Chris asks if Thai is excited. You might remember that Jason had a son from a previous marriage named Thai. I never knew how to spell it though, so I debated between Ty, Tie, Tye, and settled on my favorite: Thai. So yes, Thai is excited. Also, I don’t give a shit.

Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties 

JP and Ashley head to Scottsdale for the Bachelor and Bachelorette parties. Always a fun party when your Mom is there. Good Lord. Oh shit, wet-blanket-sister is there? Buzz Kill.

They get manicures and the nice lady puts JP on her finger. I will pay good money to get a photo of Jef with one F on my finger.

For some reason, the ladies decide to pole dance and this cougar shows them the ropes:


Hey, if you don’t want someone taking a picture of your crotch on posting it on their blog, don’t friggin DO that on TV. Geesh.

Ashley is apparently the only one who wants to try it and she basically just walks around the pole a bunch. For some reason, I came REALLY close to hiding under my sofa while watching this. Very uncomfortable.

JP is racing cars and drinking scotch. For the love of God, are we at the wedding yet? This shit could easily have been compacted to an hour.

Random Side Note: 

Chris interviews Trista and Ryan but they have nothing new to say. Trista looks pretty good, but I have no clue how he has put up with her laugh for so long. Wow. He is hot and athletic and sweet. But he’s aged, yes? Believe me, I look like an 80 year-old hag next to my 28 year-old self, so I’ll pipe down, but I’m just sayin’.

Chris Grills JP and Ashley 

JP and Ashley asked Chris Harrison to officiate the wedding. I see why – he’s been there since the beginning and he’s funny. Oh and ABC forced them to choose him. But I’m just confused as to why he is taking it so goddamn seriously. He says he’s honored to do it, but then turns around and says, “I want to make sure they’re truly committed to what marriage means.” Uh fuck off, friend. I didn’t ask you to play judge and jury on my union here, you dick. Just read your ABC-written, minister-via-the-internet script and pipe down. He asks stupid questions, which JP and Ashley pretend they’re taking seriously, but really they’re just excited to run out and practice kissing. No, I’m not kidding and I want to hurl.


The TV tells me we’re going to get a sneak peak at Sean’s season of the Bachelor. From what I gather of the promo picture, there’s a monkey involved.


There’s also this scary lady, who will undoubtedly give me lots of good material:


Besides that, there is a girl who falls down the stairs and a girl everyone hates. And Sean. Yeeeeah, that sounds greeeeat.

Chris sits down with him and asks for his impression from night one of meeting all the women on his season. He says, “I was blown away by how funny they were, how smart they were. I didn’t know the quality of the women would be so great!” He adds, “I mean, have you SEEN this show? These women are freaking horrible people, so I was pleasantly surprised! I think I have herpes now, but you know, it could have been way worse!”

Wedding Day – Fuck, finally 

It’s wedding day and JP gives Ashley a charm bracelet with a tooth on it. Ahhh, romance.

JP walks up the aisle with his parents (Side note, Roberto is there and still WAY hot). Ashley’s sister carries Boo, and the dog isn’t wearing any of the fancy outfits the wedding planner showed them. (ABC was all, “yo, fuck that shit. We ain’t springin’ for dog clothes”. I have no idea why ABC is ghetto in my story here).

Ashley walks up the aisle to “I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You.” Aaaaand I shed a tear. What. The. Fuck.

Chris blabs on for a couple minutes about how opposites attract (which always sounds like a veiled insult), and then asks if anyone objects to this union. Please bitch, that is not tradition anymore. Just trying to drum up drama. What if Flajnik popped up and was all, “Yo, she’s my bitch! I still love that ho”. Seriously, why is everyone ghetto? And how does a yamaka stay on JP’s head?

JP and Ashley’s mom stand up to do some Irish hand blessing and JP’s mom says, “These are the hands that will tenderly hold your first child.” She also says, “And when they’re wrinkled and aged, they will still be reaching for yours, as they hold you here now, promising you they will never ever let you go.” I mean, my God, are you trying to kill me? I almost need to grab a paper bag to keep from hyperventilating from crying so hard. The woman is a poet. I take back the mean things I said about her leathery face.

Onto the vows, which are relatively cute, but why is Ashley fucking screaming hers? She ends hers by saying, “I promise that every day that we are together will be the greatest day of my life.” Ummm, I don’t get it. That means every day has to be better than the previous one? What if she wakes up with a migraine and Boo shit on her head in the bed? That day won’t be the greatest. What if you get stabbed in the neck with a dental tool by an unruly toddler? That day won’t be the greatest. Just seems like a hard-to-follow-through-with vow.


We don’t get to see much of the reception. JP and Ashley dance their first dance to a stoned guy singing. I just want to know where my Jef is? Why does Em-dawg get to go to the wedding and not him? Lame. If he was there and sat next to Roberto, I would have taken THAT picture of my TV and framed it for my nightstand. Mama like.

So that’s it. Did I miss anything? I’ll see you the first week of January for Sean’s season premiere!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Bachelor Pad Finale Recap - Most disturbing? Jamie's head.

It was touted “the most disturbing finale” ever. It certainly was – did you SEE Jamie’s disco head? Sarah’s mouth? Can you picture Tony banging Blakeley? (Do it, close your eyes. I dare you). And you can almost see the herpes radiating from the twins’ skin. Disturbing finale? Damn straight.

Let’s dive in… Smitty introduces the “cast” and nobody cheers for Jamie or the twins. This makes me laugh. Do they think they’d have fans?

During a recap of the season, I’m saddened to see this... This is that douche fan. I don’t even remember his name. I DO know that when a GUY blows open a bottle of champagne in a hot tub, you don’t do THIS:

You don’t do that if you’re a girl. You definitely don’t do that if you’re a straight guy. I mean, for the love of God.

Anyway, after some time recapping the tragic season, we catch up with Kalon and Lindzi who are apparently still together. Erica, who is sporting a much less trashier look these days, accuses him of going out with women around Houston. Lindzi sits there, dead behind the eyes, not reacting at all. Unless you call her insanely deep orange skin a reaction. Then she’s certainly reacting. That shit is nuclear. Wow.

Michael in the hot seat 

So this was the most surprising thing to me about the whole damn episode – I thought for sure Michael and Rachel would still be together. Why the fuck would I have such faith in these people? No clue. Anyway, Smitty asks how they’re doing and he says fine. Jaclyn pipes up, “She’s not fine. She wanted to Skype and you wouldn’t.” Wow, really? Way to make your friend look not-crazy. “JACLYN, YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED. HE WON’T SKYPE WITH ME! MOTHERFUCKER!”

Michael says that he simply didn’t think he was falling in love with her and there wasn’t enough there to pursue a long-distance relationship. This makes sense to me. There’s not much to pick apart, you know? It’s like, “He’s just not that into you.” Apparently, as Rachel will later attest to, he wasn’t quite so clear with HER on those details. I find it hard to believe a man wasn’t perfect at communication.

Jaclyn in the hot seat 

After an embarrassing recap of her fake relationship with Ed, showcasing how much she loved him with zero reciprocation (except for a nightly hump), Jaclyn blabs only about Rachel’s betrayal. She said she played a loyal game – “the most loyal I’ve been in my life, trust me.” Why? Why do women say shit that makes them look bad? That’s like me wrapping up a job interview saying, “Well, it was a pleasure meeting you. I feel that I would be a great fit for your company. Also, I steal things a lot. Did I mention I have herpes too? Good day, sir.”

Anyway, Jaclyn is mad that Rachel didn’t take her to the finale. She says she forgives but wouldn’t forget. Well, at least she stopped calling her “a piece of shit”, like she did in the limo. Ahhh, friendship.

Blakeley in hot seat 

Damn! Girl got some new tats! And classy ones at that. Mmm.

I admit she actually looks pretty – her face and hair, that is. That dress is skank city, but she’s looking okay. They do yet another recap of Blakeley’s drama with Chris and Jamie, and her budding romance with Tony. Chris says the best thing he ever did was trade in Blakeley and Jamie, for Sarah. Like a new car…it smells better. Umm eww. If forced to smell Blakeley, Sarah and Jamie, it would be a true contest as to who smelled LEAST skank. I say Blakeley wins because she’s an aesthetician and has access to perfumed lotions. I think that Sarah would win a straight-up skank competition (as opposed to a skank-smell competition), but Jamie works in a hospital, which means she’s got medicine/sick people smell COMBINED with severe skankness, so she might lose. Really, what the hell am I talking about?

Anyway, they show the clip of Tony and Blakester in the limo leaving Bach Pad. Tony says, “Who has two thumbs and feels like he just won Bachelor Pad? This guy!” Oh man. Who has two tired thumbs from writing these fucking recaps about these fucking dipwads and desperately wants to watch news or – gasp – read a book? ME DAMMIT. ME!

Blakeley starts to blubber about Tony, saying he fills a void for her, he lets her be herself, blah blah blah. Yeah, yeah, I get it, Tony’s a nice guy. But don’t we all get the feeling that he’s the big nerd from high school who thinks he finally scored the head cheerleader since Blakeley has big boobs? I can’t shake that feeling.

They stand up to make an announcement – they’re moving in together! The news is met with mediocre applause and I fight the urge to hide under my couch.

So Blakeley is moving to the Pacific Northwest where I can only assume she will stick out like a sore thumb. With big boobs. But WAIT there’s more….Tony starts talking to her about how he wants to show her how much he loves her and that he wants to be with her forever. And then he keeps talking. And keeps talking. FUCKING SPIT IT OUT. Nope, still talking. WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO! FUCKING DO IT! NOW! Oh my, I need some chill-out pills.

He asks her to marry him, complete with a close-up of the Neil Lane logo’d ring box. For fucks’ sake, Bachelor Pad. She leans down and says, “Are you serious?” and you can hear him say to her, with desperation and fear in his voice, “PLEASE SAY YES.”

She does and they will live happily ever after. Well, probably for another three months until Blakester realizes Tony is too soft when they have sex.

The Final Vote 

So it’s between Rachel and Nick, and Sarah and Chris. The couples come out on stage and before we can vote who wins, we have to listen to more bitching from everyone. Rachel cries to Michael and he reiterates that he just wasn’t falling in love with her. She replies, “But you were soooo into me when we were in the house.” He WAS into you… literally. And that’s about it, sister. I know that news sucks, but this night is going to get worse, so suck it up.

Chris blabs for awhile about how his parents disapproved of his behavior on TV. He said the show was tough to watch on TV. Uhhh, which part? Good lord. Then Jamie tells him he’d be a terrible father. Wow, zing. Easy, J-dog. Anyone with that shit on their head shouldn’t talk smack.

The voting is boring – it’s not a shock that Nick and Rachel win by a landslide. Everyone hates Chris, and most people can’t stand Sarah. No brainer. The only ones who vote for them are Kalon, Dave and Erica. No clue why…I don’t care.

Keep or Share 

Now it’s time for the keep/share bullshit. They’ve won $250K. They can split it evenly (if they both choose the “share” sign), or they give it to the other contestants (if they both choose the “keep” sign). However, if one chooses “keep” and one chooses “share”, then the one that chooses “keep” gets to keep it. The past two seasons, they’ve split the money.

Rachel chooses “share” and perhaps it’s not the most cutthroat way to play this game, but it does seem to be fair choice.

Before Nick reveals his choice, he blabs on and on about how nobody cared about him on the show. Nobody cared who he voted for, and nobody wanted him in an alliance. He basically tears into Rachel… and then he shows his sign: Keep.

GASP! Not really, since I totally forgot it was finale night and made the mistake of checking Facebook before the show started. Dammit East Coast! So Nick wins the whole $250K, leaving Rach-dog with nothing. MAN, has she had a bummer week or what?

So what’s my take on Nick? I guess it’s a bold move. It’s smart and exciting, sure. But it’s kind of dick, too. And I don’t think for a second he played brilliantly, like he claims. If he did, he wouldn’t be fucking crying like a pussy little bitch about how “nobody cared about me! Waaaa!”

He’s bitter and pissy, so he screwed his partner out of money. Do I understand it’s a game? Sure, and he made a bold move, I get it. Woo hoo. I wouldn’t have done it. And I think Nick is a douche bag either way. Also, I’ve wasted too much time talking about this already.

Rachel is pissed, understandably, and spends some time chasing Nick around, and he’s just trying to get the hell out of dodge. Again, understandable. This whole part is very Jerry Springer-esque.

So that’s it, folks. I can’t say I’ll miss it, but I will miss all of YOU so much! I love reading your comments, emails, tweets, texts, Facebook posts, etc. Let’s all go take a mental break and meet back here in January for the next season of the Bachelor. I’m going to go sell a house, buy a house, move, remodel, celebrate Christmas and catch you in 2013. But I’ll probably miss you all too much and will post some dumb shit here and there, so sign up for my RSS feed, or subscribe to get emails or something, will ya?

Love you all, thanks for all the reading, sharing with friends, and making my Bachelor-world more fun.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - Jef? Are you there? I miss you.

We’re down to the final four... Final four couples, that is. For those of you who aren’t great at math, that’s eight goddamn people. However, I’m confident in the fact that next week is the finale, so there is an end in sight. Which is good because I’m beginning to have nightmares about Jaclyn’s face. I need a Jaclyn-face-break.

Recap of the four remaining couples:

 -Rachel and Nick (She’s overly emotional about Michael, and he’s the personal trainer who didn’t talk for the first seven weeks of this show)
-Ed and Jaclyn (He’s funny, but a total douche bag, and she just plain sucks – literally and figuratively)
-Tony and Blakeley (oddest pair in BP history. She’s a bit hood rat, and he’s a smidge feminine. Also, if she sat on him, he would die. She’s not fat but her gargantuan boobies would squish him)
-Chris and Sarah (He is a fucking asshole and her mouth is really disturbing to watch when she talks.)


Each couple picks one person to sit on a seat dangling above the water, and another to answer trivia questions about the Bachelor franchise. If they get a question wrong, one of the four cables that hold the seat up is cut. Once three are cut the seat drops away and the person has to suspend themselves from a bar. Whoever is last dangling above the water wins. I can’t believe I just wasted five sentences explaining that. Who gives a fuck.

The questions are all boring – nothing scandalous. Somehow Sarah knows all of them. Chris says, “Sarah’s TV watching is definitely paying off right now.” There’s a sentence my husband will never say. There will never be a reason for him to say that. Never.

Anyway, Sarah knows waaaay too much and I’m not impressed…it makes her look a little pathetic. I mean, what kind of person knows so much about reality TV? Who would ever make reality TV such a huge part of their life? I bet she’s pathetic enough to write a blog about these shit shows. Wait…

Once their seats drop out, nobody can hang onto the bar for more than ten seconds. So it all came down to the questions, and idiot savant Sarah wins, so Chris is happy about that. For winning, they don’t get roses though. They have to choose a couple to go home right away. They choose Blakeley and her boobs along with tiny Tony. She is crying like she just found out her best friend was hit by a bus. Easy Blakester. It’s Bachelor Pad.

In the limo on the way home, Tony of course goes with her even though THAT move is waaaay overdone. He says that he wants to see where things go with Blakeley and he’s so happy he’s met her, blah blah blah. This ain’t goin’ anywhere. No chance in hell. She’d eat him alive.

 Do you think they're going to the airport like this?

Another Competition? 

The final three couples then ride to the Hollywood Palladium where they get a one-song concert from Night Ranger. You guessed it – Sister Christian. They sound pretty good, I’ll give them that. Were they lip-synching? They look a SMIDGE tired. Okay, a lot tired.

Oh and in case you were wondering, seeing Night Ranger is a dream come true for Ed because this song is on his running playlist. His words, people.

The competition is for each couple to sing that song in front of a live audience the next night. Night Ranger will be the judges. So that’s fun…they better turn their hearing aids up!

WHY they wasted these poor vocal coaches’ time is beyond me. As if it helped? Nope. The rehearsals are horrid. I can’t believe how tone deaf Sarah is. It’s shocking actually. Ed and Jaclyn are freaking out about how difficult this is. Jaclyn says, “The next 24 hours are the most important of my life thus far.” Wow, if that’s true, she REALLY needs to reevaluate her life.

I don’t get why they are so stressed out. I would literally just get fucked up beyond words, sing the shit out of that song and do the worm on the ground. Crowd pleaser much? I did that shit in my wedding dress and let me tell you, it WAS.

OK It’s show time. Smitty introduces the judges, Night Ranger, but there are only three of them at the judges’ table. What, did the other two die already? Oh wait, they’re in the band behind them perhaps?

Rachel and Nick go first and seem to do a decent job, but we don’t realize how great it is until we have the other two to compare it to. Next to Ed, Jaclyn, Chris and Sarah (wow, especially Sarah), Nick and Rachel look like Grammy winners. Ed and Jaclyn jack up the beginning so royally, that there was no recovering. Jaclyn missed her cue and then squirreled into the air, “Uh can we start over?” Ummm, no you can’t. So Ed decides that the next best thing to actually performing and singing is to simulate dirty sex with a hooker (uh Jaclyn, looking the part) on stage. It was graphic. And so so wrong. And just plain weird – why are they banging? That’s not what Night Ranger used to do.

Next up are Chris and Sarah. I have no words. I mean, I have no words. For once, Chris doesn’t have to be embarrassed about his behavior. Ed actually put it best – he said Sarah looked like a monkey being electrocuted. Jaclyn said she didn’t know if she was dancing or if something was legitimately wrong with her. I hate Jaclyn for saying something funny, by the way. Sarah was literally just freaking the fuck out, jumping, banging, kicking, humping.

 Shock the monkey

It was painful and I mean, PAINFUL to watch. Not that I’d actually know since I was under my sofa. Anyway, she managed to do all that while singing 100% completely off-key. Amazing. Oh and Chris is reading the lyrics off his fucking arm. Yo douche bag – it would be BETTER to just forget them.

The judges clearly pick Rachel and Nick as the winners. They get to choose who to take to the finale with them next week. Chris tells the camera that he hopes they take him – he says, “We worked hard for this. I mean, do you know how many STD’s I’ve contracted in hopes of winning this money?”
Jaclyn claims she’s best friends with Rachel and would hope her bestie would take her to the finals. She says that she doesn’t want to lose a friendship over this. Ummm, yeah, more on that in a minute.

The Final Decision

Nick and Rachel talk and have to decide who to take with them to the finals. The winner is chosen by the past cast members, so Nick rightly believes that nobody will vote for Chris and Sarah because they’re horrible people, so from a strategic standpoint, it makes sense to take them. But Rachel is torn because she loves Jaclyn, despite her face.

Nick tries to convince Rachel to do it, but Rachel says that friendship means so much more than money. Really? It’s Jaclyn we’re talking about, you realize, right?

In the end, they take Chris and Sarah to the finals, sending Ed and Jaclyn home. As expected from the shallow whore, Jaclyn is pissed off, calling her best friend a piece of shit and that she wants nothing to do with her ever again. Sorry RachDog, but this bitch ain’t worth it. I would hope my bestie would forgive me if I innocently screwed her out of a quarter of a million dollars. Geesh.

Ed and Jaclyn leave, where Ed noticeably does NOT ride with Jaclyn in her limo. Rachel is weeping to the Bachelor camera saying, “Money is ugly. Truly… Wait, did I say money? I meant Jaclyn.”

So the finale will be Rachel and Nick facing off against Chris and Sarah. The finale is advertised as the “most disturbing finale ever”. No way. I don’t buy it. I don’t read spoilers so I don’t know what happens…and it’s clear that something surprising happens, but not “disturbing”. They’re trying to create drama in a land of nothingness. Either way, we get this to look forward to:

 I mean...what?

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap – This show is Stage 7 Horrible

10 people? We have 10 goddamn people left? We’re six weeks in and it looks like we have two left – that is waaaaay too long for me. By the way, this is the shortest recap ever because nobody gives a shit about this show. Including me.


From here on out, they will compete as couples, vote as couples and continue to bang as couples. Rachel, who is waaaaay too emotional about losing Michael, is unfortunately paired up with Nick, the dumb Trainer with little to no role on this show.

The couples pile into a school bus and head to some performing arts center where they are told they will compete in a spelling bee. And they are not pleased about it. Wow, you’d think someone told them they were about to dive in open water with sharks that feast on the herpes virus. They are freaking out…they’re afraid they can’t spell and will be embarrassed on TV? They’re afraid THIS will embarrass them?

The judges are three kids who are the top spellers in California. I cringe when I hear this. WHY oh why would their parents allow them to go on this show? These kids are smart, driven and accomplished. They have real potential! Don’t subject them to this insanity. They’ve been tainted…now their resumes read: Bachelor Pad – Cast member 2012. Yikes.

Kalon is really bad, spelling “ceremony” wrong, and Blakeley and Tony aren’t much better. Pretty soon everyone is out but the top two couples – Chris and Sara, and Ed and Jaclyn. Despite the fact Ed thinks “cockamay” is a real word, they made it to the finals. Wow.

Chris and Sara win, which means they get roses for safety this week, which pisses off the entire house since they all hate Chris now. They get an overnight date and leave right away, while the rest of the sad saps head back to the house on the bus. They don’t look happy…oh and guess what doesn’t look attractive on a guy? These things:

Ed and Jaclyn also get an overnight date, which proves to be quite entertaining. And a liiiiittle bit pathetic. More on that later.

Chris and Sara date 

As Chris and Sara drive away in the limo, they’re saying they now know they’re the smartest people in the house - this confirmed it. Um, that’s not really much of a compliment. That’s like me saying I’m the best runner…in a community of legless people. That makes no sense. I know. I’m tired.

They get on a private plane, land at Santa Margarita Ranch and take a train ride. They also swim in a freezing cold lake and hike around in high heels. Then they spend the night in a barn: eating dinner, dancing and making the hay stick together with the release of all their bodily fluids. The only interesting part is when Sara asks him about his past relationships and he pretends that he actually “dated” Emily. I love that three weeks on the Bachelorette means “dating” to him. He’s delusional. Almost as delusional as Sara insisting they have something, “real”. It’s real, yo.

Back at the house…Rachel is super depressed about Michael and Jaclyn says, “She’s a mess, like a stage 7 earthquake”. Ahhh, yes, the infamous “Stage 7” earthquake. I’ll never forget the Great Stage 7 Quake of ‘89.

Ed and Jaclyn date 

On this date, Jaclyn somehow ends up proving to us that she’s more desperate than Jamie…she just does it with a lot less flare.

In a nutshell, Ed and Jaclyn are totally banging every night. She thinks this means they like each other and are “dating”. Ed has no interest in dating her…just banging her. This is all quite simple, but Jaclyn manages to make it a Stage 7 emergency.

Ed already admitted in front of the house that he’s not looking for a relationship here. To me, that’s all you need, right? That alone tells you he likes to bang you, but he’s not going to date you. End of story. Jaclyn doesn’t see it this way.

Let’s back up…First they fly to an island, hike around, and sit and chat on a blanket. Ed tells Jaclyn that he’s been pursuing someone back home pretty seriously and still has feelings for her. Ummm, and does Ed honestly think THAT girl is going to be super stoked by his behavior on this show? Safe to say that relationship is over. Unless she’s pathetic too.

Anyway, Jaclyn is pissed, which is still confusing to me. She already knows all this, doesn’t she? He told her he likes her and wants to bang her, but has made it pretty clear he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend. What’s so confusing about this? At the end of the night, she agrees to spend the night with him and bang him until he can’t walk. She simply says, “I can’t help myself.” Oh wowzers. So you love him and he told you he doesn’t love you, but you’re going to go sleep him anyway, in hopes that he’ll change his mind and love you back? Wow, this is so friggin sad. Does anyone have an ounce of self-respect anywhere? Don’t get me wrong – if these two wanted to get drunk and hump, more power to them. But it’s different when one of those people loves the other and the other one doesn’t. To be a non-dick, Ed should have said, “I think it makes you sad when I stick it in you, so we should stop because I don’t want to hurt you.” But no, he wants to continue banging J-dawg, so he dances around it a little, and she gives in. Therefore, I give up.

When they get home, they have a rose to give to another couple, so they give it to Blakely and Tony, so they’re safe this week, too.

Cocktail party/rose ceremony 

Blakeley and Tony are safe this week, along with Sara and Chris. The elimination comes down to Rachel and Nick, or Lindzeeeee and Kalon. After forty minutes of meaningless filler, Kalon and Lindzi are sent home. I guess Jaclyn and Ed had the deciding vote and voted to keep Rachel because they’re better friends. Pretty cerebral stuff.

They say goodbye and each get in their own limo. Of course, the limo just begins to pull away and Kalon gets out to chase Lindzi down and jump in her limo. Awww, that’s sweet. You know what else it is? Repetitive. Same thing happened last year with Ames and Jackie, right? Maybe Ames wasn’t eliminated but then ran off anyway, which is basically the same thing. Details, whatever.

I’ll see you guys next week – it looks like we have two more whole weeks left which is really bad news for me. But I’m committed now, so I’ll see you then.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - Lord help us, when does it end?

You know what’s NOT easy? Finding motivation to watch this crap and write about it, while listing your house for sale and trying to buy a new one, all during the week your kids are out of school. Holy fuck. Therefore, I recognize this will be short, half-assed and a less-than-stellar effort. Apologies in advance. But then again, who the fuck is still watching this crap anyway?

There are 12 people left, 10 after tonight. So how is it possible next week is the last week? For the last two summers this show has only lasted six episodes. This week was episode five. So WHO at ABC thought to themselves, “This show is so awesome, let’s extend it to ten episodes!” Oh Lord, please don’t tell me we have five weeks left. Shoot me now.

Most of this show revolves around Blakeley’s hatred toward Chris, since they WERE partners but he defected and tried to get her out of the house. And Chris now hates Ed and Kalon too, since they lied to Chris about voting Blakeley out. Got it? I know, I don’t fucking care either.

I do enjoy when Ed and Chris fight and Chris screams, “I’m a grown ass man! Talk to me like I’m a grown ass man!” Do I even need to make fun of this? How many grown ass men call themselves grown ass men? That’s like me calling myself “Fucking classy”. The fact that I say it makes it not true. Comprende?


The kids this week try to balance a bunch of china cups and saucers on a tray, while they walk. Blakeley is stoked because she has 13 years of experience working at Hooters. Oh no she did’ent. Don’t ADMIT that, you shithead! Anyone who works there says things like, “I just worked there for a summer to pay for my boob job”. They don’t admit it was a friggin career. Good God, Blakester.

PS – Winners get roses for safety and get to go out on a date. No penalty vote for the losers this week.

Erica is pissed since the challenge is unfairly biased to chicks who worked at Hooters. She’s disappointed there has yet to be a challenge catering to her strengths. Mmm hmm. Riiiight. Sorry, Erica, the Producers have yet to figure out a way to do blow job contests, massive boob contests, low IQ contests or monotone voice contests.

The chicks go first and they are horrible. Horrible. I mean, I think it took more than a day and they had to go to bed and continue shooting the next day. I mean, wow.

Sarah wins but finds out she was DQ’d since she broke a rule. She is frustrated and says, “Now I know how Olympic swimmers feel.” Again, riiiiight. I bet you feel EXACTLY how an Olympic swimmer feels when they are DQ’d. They spend their entire life training for their sport, and you, Sarah? I take it back, actually. Sara has also spent her entire life training for the Bachelor Pad skank Olympics.

Blakeley therefore is the winner and Chris says it’s the worst thing that could happen to him. Really? Worse than brain cancer? Worse than being hit by a bus? You asshole.

When it the guys’ turn, they do waaaaay better than the chicks and finish the entire thing within minutes. Tony wins, in spite of the fact Blakeley and her Hooters training is screaming at him during the entire thing. Geesh.

Since Blakeley and Tony are partners and both have roses, Blakeley is able to give a rose to another guy to have a date. She chooses Kalon. Then she has to choose between an evening date or an overnight date – she chooses the overnight date, saying it was a “no-brainer.” Hello? Easier to put out in a hotel room? Duh?

Kalon and Lindzi Date

Kalon and Lindzi head out on their date in a Bentley. They drive to a bridge that some asshole Producer had the balls to close down for the night. It’s not like Twillight is being filmed – it’s the friggin Bachelor Pad. Why did Los Angeles give the permits for that? LA is dumb. Also, why are they playing Jaws music as they drive around?

Anyway, on the shutdown bridge, there is a dinner set-up for them, on a platform with chandelier, etc. It’s romantic…I guess? Kalon tells Lindzi that finding her was a pleasant surprise, blah blah blah. So they like each other. Woo hoo. They end the date doing this and it is REALLY awkward looking:

Back at the house, Chris is bitching to Sarah about how he knows he’s going home this week, so he’s going to go out like a man. Next sentence: “I’m not going out without taking someone with me.” Sooo, how is that like a man? You mean a big pussy man? Got it.

He vows to get Lindzi out of the house just to piss off Kalon. Nice.

Blakeley Date 

Tony is stoked for his overnight date with Blakeley since she’s “smokin’ hot” so he can’t wait to see if there’s a connection. Or at the very least, if he can connect his penis to her vagina.

Erica comments how this is an odd pairing since Blakeley is manly with tattoos and worked at Hooters for 13 years. “She’s just trashier”, says Erica. Wow, I agree but I would have used much nicer language. No I wouldn’t have.

They pull up to a campsite and airstream, and words could not have expressed how pissed off I would have been. I’m pretty low-maintenance, but I don’t camp. Uh, especially on the Bachelor where dates should be yachts and fantasy suites. This shit is unacceptable.

Blakeley is horrified too, but eventually she comes around, saying, “It’s more about who you’re with.” Actually I agree because camping totally blows, but I would completely fight off snakes, grill hot dogs and poop in a hole if Jef with one f was with me.

Anyway, they barbecue and hang out. Tony turns on the music in the Jeep to dance and it’s good ‘ol Wes singing, from Jillian’s season. Who could forget that “Looove, it don’t come easy” song. So they dance, makeout and that’s about it. I’m sure they humped in the airstream but they didn’t show that part.

Back at the house 

Back at the house, Michael makes Rachel this comfy romantic bed out on the back patio. She claims it’s one of the sweetest things a guy has done for her. Really? He made you a BED. You know what people DO in beds, right? Yeah, super sweet. No ulterior motives there at all.

The next day, Tony gives his rose to Jaclyn. Since he had a rose to give out on his date, but he went out with Blakeley who already had one, he had an extra and chose Jaclyn. No idea why. Nor do I care.

Smitty comes in to chat with the kids. Ed ends up blabbing about how he said he’d never get involved with anyone romantically here in the house and he still stands by that. Pan to Jaclyn who has been blowing him nightly and she looks…well…less-than-pleased.

Smitty then tells everyone that the rules have changed this week. ALL the houseguests will vote one girl out, and that girl alone chooses what one guy will leave with her. It’s actually an interesting spin on this crap show, and I sense that the Producers could tell this season was going nowhere and needed some help.

The next 45 minutes of the show are spent listening to these douche bags discuss “strategy” and which girl to vote out. Michael comes up with a plan to vote out Erica, but to make it seem like it’s Chris who came up with the idea, so she’d be mad at him and take him out. A great idea, but he should know these untrustworthy dickbags would squeal on him. Sure enough, Chris figures out people are brainwashing her and walks her into the voting room and shows her that he is NOT voting for her. He calls it “making Bachelor Pad history” which is just about as cool as “making Holocaust history” or “setting an STD catching record”.

Wait a second, why did Kalon encourage him to do that? Aren’t they enemies now? I swear I can’t keep up with the details of this show. It’s like watching Mission Impossible.

In the midst of all the strategy talk, Ed and Jaclyn talk together. In a nutshell, she was banging him because she thought they were “dating” when in fact he was doing nothing more than banging her just to bang her. He says, “I didn’t want to come here and start something. Now whether we’re sleeping in the same bed or doing whatever we’re doing, that’s a different story.” Ahh, I see. That’s always awesome for a girl to hear. If I had a dime for EVERY time a guy said to me, “We’re not dating or anything, just having fun right? I’m not looking for a commitment”, I’d be a rich gir…forget it. I mean, I would have no idea about that. Everyone has always totally loved me. I had to fight them off. Exhausting.

In the end, the house votes out Erica, however, instead of taking Chris out, she decides to take out Michael. And MAN does she do it with a serious helping of piss and vinegar. Holy shit this bitch is one bitter hole. Wow. She screams, “The smartest thing Holly ever did was dumping you and marrying Blake.” Mmm, I disagree. That dude is all teeth.

Side note: Nick didn’t have one single line tonight. Why on earth is he still there? They should kick him out just for lack of participation.

Anyway, in summary: Erica proves she’s a little dingbat-ish, Rachel cries a lot as Michael leaves, Chris is an asswipe with a baffling high level of self-confidence, and there is a trail of live herpes virus leading out of the house. Just another week.

See you next week, and apparently the week after that, which BLOWS.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - Police Report: Missing, Jamie's self-esteem

My eyes are bleeding. I don’t know if I can hang for two more episodes. This is PAINFUL. No really, I’m the first to admit that even though the Bachelor and Bachelorette are shit shows, I love them. I look forward to watching them and can’t wait to see what happens. I admit it. But this Bachelor Pad nonsense is a fucking nightmare. I hate it, I hate myself for watching it, I hate these people and I really hate Jamie’s eyelashes. They’re long, clumpy and terrifying. FUCK.

Now that I got that off my chest, let’s talk about this crap show. And Chris? What a fucking piece of shit. I love that he tried to sell Emily on how mature he was, and on this show he is that asshole you knew and loved in college who manipulates your head. What an asshole. A piece of shit guy. Worthless. With a monotone dork-fuck robot voice. I thank reader Jordana for that gem.

Anyway, we’re down to 14 people which is 13.5 too many assholes left.


The contestants fill out surveys the night before the competition, asking such questions as “Who is the ugliest person in the house?” or “Who is most likely to transmit herpes to everyone in the house?” The competition this week is a game show, quizzing the contestants on the answers, and also some random Bachelor franchise trivia. Winning guy and girl each get a date, and the guy and girl with lowest score each have a point against them at the rose ceremony. Fuck, I don’t care.

Who said that the person who has accomplished the least in the house in Blakeley? The answer is Nick. The world-famous personal trainer who made out with skank balls Donna last week. OK Nick, you’re waaaay more accomplished than the VIP waitress.

Who said Erica would make the worst parent? Kalon said that. Along with the rest of America. So kind of a trick question.

Jaclyn wins the competition and says, “I can seriously taste the $250,000 at this point.” She adds on, “…in my mouth. I can taste it in my mouth. But it’s hard to tell what I really taste, because let’s be honest, I’ve had a lot of shit in my mouth these past weeks! Ha ha, honk honk.” (I don’t know, I just bet she honks when she laughs? No idea.)

Now it’s the guys’ turn to guess. Who said they’ve slept with nine people? It was Blakeley, who then admitted she lied. Grooooss. Who has banged someone on top of a car in a public parking lot? Classy! Sarah. She’s that closet whore for shizzle. Gross again.

Who says Jamie is the most annoying because she hangs all over every guy and spins in circles for no reason? Blakeley said it, but we all think it. Ed wins, woo hoo. David and Rachel score the lowest and therefore have a vote against them.

Afterwards, Jamie is crying to Kalon and Michael that she’s so alone and doesn’t have anyone. They agree. Michael is a smidge nicer about it, since Kalon said he doesn’t mind being nice to someone before they’re executed. The same way you pet a dog’s head before putting it down. I mean, wow. Wow…Kalon: to love or hate? I’m torn.

Blakeley decides to ask Chris why he was cheering so hard for Sarah during the competition. This is just the start of his asshole manipulation. He says, “You worry too much.” He tries to make you feel like you’re the one with the issues or you’re the one being unreasonable, when he’s the asshole fuckface. God, I hate guys like that. Hey Chris, you’re a fucking asshole.

Jaclyn Date 

She picks Ed to take on her date since they banged the previous night in a drunken stupor, so she thinks they are now dating. Wow.

They head to Dodger stadium where they play baseball by themselves for awhile. Then they shower up in the Dodger locker room presumably, and eat a picnic dinner on the field. Jaclyn is smitten saying she thinks Ed is so hot and sensitive. (?) Then she says, “Who doesn’t have a crush on Ed?” You know what? I do too. He’s such an idiot, but he’s funny and hot. I dig him. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to actually date him, but I see where she’s coming from. However, they eat hot dogs on this date and decide to do this:

If that’s not enough to make you fucking lose your lunch, I don’t know what is.

She then adds on, “Romance is a possibility since romance has already happened.” Hmmm, I’m not sure I’d classify it as “romance”, right? I mean, you banged him in a drunken stupor on a lower bunk bed on national TV. It’s not exactly the stuff romance is made of, but whatever you say, girlfriend.

They are given a rose on the date…apparently, since they both have roses from the competition, they can give that rose to any guy, who can then take a chick on a date. Ed wants to give it to Chris because he trusts him. They end the date with a kiss and fireworks. I’m not hopeful for these two.

Back at the house… 

Chris comments how Jamie will be sure to make a move on him tonight because she’s desperate. Well, YEAH, that’s an understatement. Despite the fact he didn’t want to be with her yesterday, she throws herself at him and they “snuggle” in bed all night. “Snuggle” is code for “penetration”, by the way. But the whole scene is so fucking pathetic, I can’t even watch it. I head below deck (under my sofa). She’s asking him if he really liked her all along, and saying “Am I really in this wonderful man’s arms?” I mean, it’s horrifying. He just wants to get laid here, and she is so friggin desperate for love I can’t watch. I want to tear her and her eyelashes apart but I just can’t be super mean to her because I feel so goddamn sorry for her. She’s beyond sad. I can only hope she will watch this and see how sad and pathetic she is and have a “come to Jesus” moment in her brain. She needs to go make a life for herself and find some self-worth and realize she needs to demand respect from guys. Right now the only thing about Jamie demanding anything is her vagina. And it’s hard to watch.

So anyway, Jamie is going on and on to the camera about how good it feels to trust him and it’s so nice to have someone care about her and protect her. Good lord, I can’t watch I can’t watch I can’t watch.

Jaclyn and Ed pop up and give the rose to Chris. I admit, I’m a little giddy with excitement because I assume he won’t take Blakeley or Jamie on this date and the meltdown that will ensue will be aweeeesome. Sure enough he takes Sarah, because he too senses the easy-access of her vagina. But where’s the meltdown? Blakeley is slightly pissed and wants to talk to him. GIRLFRIEND, he took another girl out. You don’t need to talk to him. It’s clear where you stand. Move on. Fuck! Girls are so annoying. We all need to learn to shut the fuck up from time to time. We don’t need to talk about everything. Geesh.

Jamie and her delusions have decided that Chris will not bang Sarah, but instead he’s taking her out because he REALLY wants to take Jamie out but it would be too rude to Blakeley to do it, so really he’s protecting Jamie. Is this what you do when you don’t want to be hurt? You just make up these massive lies in your brain and talk yourself into them? I mean, the chick is delusional. It’s actually kind of scary.

Chris Date 

They spend the first part of their date doing stunts and pretending to film an action movie. Sarah and her desperate vagina are already throwing themselves at Chris. Wow.

They head to a hotel hot tub where they completely contaminate it with sperm and other bodily fluids. She is gnarly and Chris is as big a scumbag as ever. Yuckers. There’s not much to talk about on this date because they just bang the whole time. They decide to rent a room at the hotel and bang more. Chris clearly knows what this will do to Jamie and Blakeley and doesn’t give a shit because he’s too interested in burying it in Sarah all night. These two dirtbags deserve each other.

Back at the Herpes Pad… 

Smitty comes in and gives Ed a rose – he says that Ed can give it to any woman he wants since he never got a chance to hand out a rose on his date. He gives it to Rachel. Woo hoo.

Jamie and Blakeley go into a room and talk, and I literally don’t know why or what the hell was accomplished. I’m zoning out. I think Jamie just tells her that they banged last night, and Blakeley says she hates Chris anyway. So Jamie then tells the Bachelor camera that she can’t wait for Chris to come home so she can tell him they can be together all the time! Umm, hello? Even in normal, healthy relationships, being together all the time isn’t a good thing so why the hell would Chris want that, dumbass? And he’s OUT WITH ANOTHER GIRL. Jamie just spins around and paces, waiting for him and it’s painful. Pain. Ful.

When they come home the next day and blab about their great night, Jamie finally admits that what he did was “alarming” and terrible. At least she’s not pretending he did it for them. I can just see her saying, “Oh yes, Chris humped Sarah but he did it because he loves me and he’s trying to get better at lovemaking for my sake. It’s so nice to have someone looking out for my best interests!”

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

Here’s the rundown. Ed, Jaclyn, Chris and Rachel have roses and are safe. David has a vote against him. It looks like it’s between David and Nick going home, and Jamie and Blakeley going home.

Chris is trying to get everyone to vote Blakeley out because she hates him now and he knows she’ll ruin his game. He hates Jamie too, but he actually wants to keep her because he knows she’s so pathetic that she’ll continue to try to be with him, despite the fact he bangs Sarah now.

Kalon is the weirdo here. He tells everyone something different and I can’t keep track of anything. I actually tried to figure it out for awhile, rewound my TiVo a couple times, and realized how pathetic it was to try to decipher this, so I moved on.

At the rose ceremony, Jamie and David ended up going home. Yes, Jamie was entertaining but the pathetic factor was so strong that it was too uncomfortable for me to watch. So I’m glad she’s gone and praying that she’s in therapy right now…and praying that she’s on some strong anti-herpes-type medication, too.

When Jamie leaves she tries to yell at Chris a little and says that what he’s doing to these girls is wrong. He fights back, saying he tried to keep her there! This nails the asshole coffin shut. He hates her and only wanted her around because she’s pathetic enough to vote for him to stay, but yet he’s still manipulating her, making her feel like she’s wrong. He is probably the scummiest guy ever to grace this show…and that is saying a LOT. I hope your dick falls off, you scumbag.

Of course, Jamie is sad in the limo but it’s actually more amazing to watch David, the dork fan who was sent home. He’s crying because he’s so sad to leave. He says it was incredible to be there, and leaving the house “is the saddest thing he’ll ever do.” In his whole life…ever. These are the moments that make me come back for more. How is it possible that humans like this even fucking exist? Amazing.

Two more episodes, people. Hang in there. Please.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - I'm so bored I can't even think of a title

Do you guys remember that movie, Major League? Great movie, by the way. Well, Harry Doyle, the announcer dude, says “One Hit? That’s all we got? One goddamn hit?” When told he can’t say “goddamn” on the air, he says, “Don’t worry, nobody is listening anyway.” Well that’s how I feel about this post. Who the fuck is even watching this garbage, let alone reading this?

I know, I know, many of you have emailed me or left comments on last week’s post to let me know you ARE watching and reading, and I love you for it. But it’s pretty terrible shit, isn’t it? On top of the whore-ness and stupidity of the contestants, the entire concept and “plot”, it’s also goddamn boring. Like, really boring. But I’ll give you a brief little recap here. So let’s go.

First of all, Ed says this game is all about perception, influence and lying. He’s using words that are too big. It’s about blowjobs, makeup, STDs and lying. I’ll give him lying – he’s right about that one.


This week’s challenge is an obstacle course. The peeps are standing with their partners, but Chris makes everyone shift over one spot so they’re competing with new people. Woo hoo. Smitty explains how the course is set-up, not forgetting to emphasize the part where they get in a sack and pour nuts on their head, making it a NUT SACK. We hear all the girls snicker, “Please Chris, you don’t need to explain how nut sacks work to this crowd. The girls here have plenty of experience handling nut sacks.”

Kalon isn’t worried about having ridiculous Erica as a partner because she’ll just “eat her way through the course, Pac Man style”. Holy crap, Kalon is growing on me. I didn’t mention it last week since I was afraid of the hate mail I’d get, but he’s kind of growing on me. He’s ridiculous, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t hate him. I think it’s because in comparison to others on this show, he acts normal.

Anyway, the boy and girl from the winning team each get a rose, which means safety this week. They also get to go on a date with three people, and can give one of them a rose too. The two people on the last place team each have a vote against them.

Jamie REALLY needs to lay off the makeup. Sigh. Anyway, despite the three pounds of foundation holding her down, she finishes her leg first and tags her partner Ed…. who never finishes the race cause he can’t haul his ass up the fudge slide. Wow. Ed has no core strength apparently, which is surprising for someone who humps as much as he does. Don’t you need core strength to be on top? (I wouldn’t know) Maybe he insists on being on the bottom all the time. This wouldn’t surprise me. Anyway, I digress. He finishes last and claims, “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.” Really, Ed? The worst thing ever? Not being able to climb a fudge slide? You douche.

David, the fan, ends up winning with Rachel as his partner, but not before the Bachelor Production Team has to look at the tapes since it was such a close finish. (aka Smitty and some 24-year-old Intern who taped it on his iPhone go behind a tree and just make up a winner. As if this show has a “production team?” Please.)

Later that night, David chooses Blakeley, Erica and Jamie to go on his date. Chris is just happy that they’ll be out of the house, which is actually totally funny. These chicks are going to be PISSED when they watch this show.

David Date 

The four of them head to some place that the producers had decorated to look like prom. We are on a budget here, aren’t we?

David is excited since he’s never been on a date with three girls. Or two. Or even one, really. The girls are excited for…umm, oh wait, never mind, they aren’t excited. David says this is super cool because he’s the prom king. Um yeah, you’re the only dude. But sure, Prom King, whatever. They spend the night dancing together. The four of them. And nobody else….to an unknown, but mildly pleasant, country band. See? This shit is BORING.

Jamie and David chat, and Jamie tells him that she missed her prom because it was “right around the time my mom started to disappear.” I don’t know her scoop but it sounds friggin SAD. This is proven later on…and it explains a LOT. More on that later.

They have a little photo prom backdrop set up for portraits, and Jamie and David kiss right on the mouth. Oy. Blakeley is pissed because she thinks that means Jamie will get the rose. She’s right – Jamie gets the rose a little later in the date. Let that be a lesson to you ladies – Sex almost always gets you what you want. Wait, what?

The humorous thing here is how pissed Blakeley is. She keeps saying David owes her. Ummm, for what, you idiot? You took him on a date last week, but you didn’t give him the damn rose. You gave it to Chris. So why does David owe you the rose? What an asshole.

Back at the house, the kids are having their craziest night yet. They are all wasted and humping each other. No wonder there are rats in that house – it’s filled with germs and STDs. Jaclyn jumps on Ed’s back and this is what America sees:

Again, I’ve been drunk in a bikini before, but I hope I would know NOT to do it on National TV because you can be damned sure some smartass blogger will take a picture of her TV at this exact point in time, and post it. Yikes.

Anyway, Ed and Jaclyn go to someone’s bunk bed and hump. Ed screams a lot and at least they have the decency to put up a blanket to shield me from the pornography. Somewhere Jillian Harris is high-fiving someone. “Thank God I didn’t marry that.”

Rachel Date 

Rachel takes Nick, Tony and Michael on her date. They head to Madame Tussauds famous wax museum. For some unknown reason, they think it’s a good idea to do a “Bachelor Experience”, with unsuspecting fans touring wax statues of past contestants. The big gag though, is that they’re real! It’s really these four pretending to be statues. Isn’t that a HOOT? I throw my laptop at my TV. I hate this I hate this I hate this.

Back at the house, Jamie says to the Bachelor cam that she’s excited to find Chris and be with him because he likes her! She finds him in bed and he says, “Not tonight” and she says, “Why not?” and he says, “Just because”. SO yeeeeah, ladies. When a guy doesn’t want to bang you and his reason is “just because”, it’s safe to say he sort of hates you. Run Jamie, run.

She starts crying and says to the Bachelor cam that she’s disappointed and she really wants to fall in love. She says she really wants a family to spend the holidays with. Oh Lord, now I can’t make fun of her. Seriously, this shit is sad. She mentioned before how her Mom left them, and now she claims she really just wants her own family. I mean, how fucking sad is this? Let’s all send Jamie a virtual hug right now. She’s just lonely, peeps. Explains a lot, no?

Also, she needs a serious self-esteem boost. Isn’t Chris the same guy who banged Blakeley right below her in her bunk, like two days ago?? Chris is a dickface, J-dog. You deserve better.

Back on the lame wax figure date, Rachel gives Michael the rose and they make out for awhile. Rachel really likes him and is afraid of going through another heartbreak. Another one? Awww, you poor thing. You’ve had ONE other heartbreak? Suck it up, I had like, 12 heartbreaks before I got married. It’s what happens. Life is pain and then you get married. Deal with it.

Back at the house 

There is so much annoying drama, I want to tear my ears off. I keep switching to the Olympics when I can’t take it anymore. But then I see those terrifying Russian gymnasts and I get scared and turn it back. What a frightening night on TV.

In a nutshell, Reid wants Ed out of the house because he’s jealous of him and bitter that he stole Jillian. I actually believe that. So he keeps conspiring with everyone to vote him out, but keeps telling Ed to his face that he loves him. It’s strange how Ed is so shocked by the deceit. Really? These people would give Satan a blowjob if it meant fifteen minutes of fame, and a little lying shocks you?

Sarah, who loves Ed and is sad he’ll never love her, tells Reid she’s going to vote Ed out, even though she almost killed herself with regret at almost voting him out three days ago. To add to the weirdness, she says she owes it to Ed to tell him. What the fuck? You’re a fucking idiot. Those four sentences sum up about 45 minutes of TV. Now you know why I hate this shit.

Rose Ceremony 

Rachel, Michael, David and Jamie have roses and are safe. It looks like the guys are going to vote out either Blakeley or Donna, and the girls are going to vote out Ed or Reid. Before the rose ceremony there is another 45 minutes of filler. There’s a lot of bitching about Ed versus Reid, and Blakeley freaking out. It’s boring. Donna is so sad about maybe going home “because everyone is getting action except me, and that’s not usually how it goes down.” Awww, her parents must be so proud.

She adds, “I can’t leave Bachelor Pad and not hook up with someone.” Despite her disgusting skankness, she actually has a point. I think my daughter’s stuffed unicorn could hook up with someone in that place. It’s not hard.

So she finds Nick and they make out. It’s literally the most obviously pathetic attempt at self-esteem bolstering I’ve ever seen. For both of them. You can almost hear their minds saying, “Well, nobody else wants to bang me, so if I can just hook up with SOMEONE, I might feel a little more worthy.” Yikes.

I lose track of who votes for who, but Donna ends up going home. The girls split their vote too, but the scales tip to send Reid home. I liked him but he was a tad annoying here. Jaclyn stands up at the rose ceremony and says that everyone needs to be playing more honestly. Seriously, that’s like standing up and saying, “You guys, we should really use birth control EVERY time.” It’s not going to happen, plain and simple.

In the limo, Donna cements America’s view of her skankability by saying, “I never thought guys would vote me out cause I’m so used to them throwing themselves at me.” I want to jump through my TV and smack this stupid bitch in the face – STOP IT. WHY do you want to look like a complete whore? Why why why? Go read something, study something, have SOME redeeming qualities that will make a man love you for something other than your vagina!” Oh my god, I’m such a mother.

Anyway, the good news is that I think there are only six episodes of this shit, and we’re down three already. 50% there, peeps. Deep breaths. See ya next week.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - I'm dumber for having met those twins

Seriously, am I the only one even watching this garbage? Holy crap this is trash. This show makes the Bachelor and the Bachelorette look like an educational PBS special. Add to that the fact that the Olympics are on and it’s a miracle ABC is even bothering to air this shit. And don’t even get me started on those fucking twins. What a bunch of empty-headed whore bags.

Because I’m convinced nobody is even reading this, I’m making this short. Also, my head begins to bleed out my ears when I think about this show for too long.


 The competition this week is a rhythmic gymnastics routine. It literally pains me to have to spend two hours watching this show instead of the Olympics, but I WILL say that this display was probably more entertaining than Olympic rhythmic gymnastics. Why? Two words: Erica Rose.

She wears a dress to the practice. When you find out you’ll be doing rolls on the ground, maybe you go grab a pair of shorts? Just a thought. I mean, fuck.

Besides the shorts, Erica is horrible at gymnastics anyway. She says, “I’m not good at performing and I’m not good at remembering choreography.” She adds on, “I’m also not good at basic math. Or any kind of logic. Or sometimes just thinking. But I’m really good at talking slow and stupid.’”

Anyway, they practice and learn a routine. The best guy and girl win and get a rose for safety this week. They also get to go out on a date with three people and give one of them a rose too. The one deemed the worst (a really tough call), gets one vote against them at the elimination vote this week.

In a nutshell, the girls are just horrid. Horrid. Erica is clearly the worst. The judges (JP and Ashley Hebert of course, and some poor ex-Olympian with nothing better to do) are in shock at how shitty the girls are. After the girls are done, JP says, “I can’t even clap.” The guys are watching and say things like, “What’s happening here?” or “It looks like a preschool dance recital.” They aren’t far off. However, slut bag Donna thinks she’s great and is worried about her competition - Blakeley. Or Jamie. But her makeup is weighing her down. Seriously, ease UP on that shit, Jdog. It’s too much. Your face looks…thick.

The guys aren’t any better, but get a lot of applause because they at least tried to make it entertaining. But there isn’t any real gymnastics going on. They did the worm across the floor, for fucks’ sake.

The judges vote Ed and Erica as the worst performers, and Blakeley and Michael as the best.

Now Blakester and Michael need to decide who to take on their date. Donna is chatting with someone in the kitchen about how much she wants to go on a date with Michael. She keeps commenting on how she can normally get any guy she wants, and that guys are usually head-over-heels for her the first second they meet her, but she has to fight for Michael. I’m going out on a limb here…but I’d say these guys she can “get” or who are “head over heels” for her, just want to bang her. And they usually succeed, so she thinks she’s Miss Popular. I really need to teach my daughter this critical difference. It’s not a big WIN in life to have guys want to bang you. I’m 37 and certainly not the hottest chick around, sporting a lot of weird post-baby shapes on my body…but I know with certainty I could walk down a street in San Francisco right now and if I screamed “Free Sex with me!” that SOMEONE would take me up on it. I’m not saying it would be a quality guy, but please, if you throw it out there Donna, someone will bang you. It doesn’t mean you’re awesome. It means you’re slutty.

The other interesting part of the show (and “interesting” is a stretch) is dirtbag Chris. Now that Blakeley has a rose, he says he will continue to bang her so he can be safe too, even though he hates her and thinks she’s scary as fuck. I’m paraphrasing but I’m not far off. What a stand-up guy.

Michael Date 

Michael claims he’s going on his date for love, not strategy. However, he chooses Donna so he must be taking girls out based on whore-ability too. He also picks Rachel who I think is cool, and Lindzi who needs to lay off the bronzer.

They go to a theater and listen to some band perform. It’s a little awkward since they only allow twenty people in the door and everyone is watching the Bachelor Pad people dance together. It’s weird. Michael makes out with Rachel a bit…she claims he’s a phenomenal kisser and that dancing with him was romantic. Ummm, right up until he takes Donna away and they pretend they’re in the tongue fencing Olympics. This was nauseating.

Meanwhile back at the house, Ryan is making Jamie a special sushi dinner, along with a balloon and flower-filled surprise for her birthday. Really? Jamie? I think Ryan’s mind is all clogged and fucked up with 32 years of pent up virginity. His judgment is off since he thinks Jamie is the type of girl he wants to take home to Mom. Really? Did you not see Ben’s season? That kissing scene is unforgivable.

Anyway, as he spreads rose petals on her bed, I can’t help but think, “Yup, that’s why you’re still a virgin.”

Anyway, Jamie wants no part of Ryan’s seduction scene. Instead she wants to floss her teeth and spend time with Chris. Her words, not mine. She doesn’t know why Chris likes Blakeley because she thinks SHE is the girl Chris should want to bring home to Mom. Who? THIS GIRL:

She finally gets time with Chris and it’s just so gross. She pretends to tease him and I’m so uncomfortable. I switch to the Olympics, but this is what I find. What the? Nice camera angle.

Anyway, Chris wants to fuck Jamie and her makeup but I think he wants to fuck Blakeley too to ensure his safety. Either way, I’m nauseated. He ends up sleeping with Blakeley after making out with Jamie, even though he knows Jamie sleeps on the top bunk over Blakeley. Seriously, what am I watching.

Back on the date, Michael gives the rose to Rachel. Donna is sad so she soothes herself by going back to the house, getting drunk and making out with Erica Rose. Yum.

Blakeley Date 

Blakeley takes Chris, Ed and Dave on her date. They head to a soapbox derby race, where they make cars and race them. Ed wins. I’m BORED.

They head to the random house where the Bachelor lives during his season and they…sit around, and maybe hang out in a hot tub. Snooze fest. David, the nerdy fan, tries to get Blakeley to give him the rose which of course is ridiculous, since Blakeley will do whatever Chris wants because chicks on this show are pathetic and do whatever they think will land them a man.

Back at the house 

Everyone is wasted back at the house. Kalon and Lindzi are snuggly, which is odd, but fun for me to watch. David is making out with one of the twins but has to stop when he realizes that even touching one of those skanks gives him an instant herpes outbreak.

Ed is a wasted hot mess. I kind of love what a fucking asshole he is. He is pretty damn funny. I kind of enjoy how he doesn’t give a shit about anything. He doesn’t want to meet a chick, or play the game. He wants to get wasted and have a good time. Of course, that doesn’t stop him from getting a blowjob from skank fest participant number three, Sara. This chick needs some serious self-esteem instruction. She says, “I don’t want to be the only one not hooking up with someone in a hot tub! That would be so pathetic.” Riiiiight. It’s pathetic to NOT hook up with an asshole on national TV in a hot tub. Right. Got it.

The twins now have a weird segment that takes much too long to resolve. They fight and fight and fight and yell at each other for seven hours straight and finally decide to leave. It’s all really, really stupid. I just wonder what these two skanks are going to do next. How do they UP their skank value? What do they do AFTER the Bachelor Pad and fucking The Situation on Jersey Shore? How do they top that?

Cocktail Party 

Because the twins left this week, none of the girls will be eliminated this week. It looks like the elimination is between Ed and Ryan for the guys. The girls are split. Oddly, Sara decides to vote Ed out, despite the fact she gave him a blowjob last night and kind of likes him. It’s really, really weird. As soon as she votes for him, she spends the rest of the night crying about it. I don’t get it. Nor do I care. Seriously, I’m over these fucking morons.

The swing vote comes down to Jamie, who decides to vote off her own partner, Ryan, confirming the fact she’s not just an idiot, but also a fucking asshole. Also, I love the fact that the girls vote him out because they are skanks and have no use for a virgin. Wow.

I’m going to go read a history book or something, to try to regain all the smart I lost last night watching this.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - So those twins are skanks. Wow.

Wow, and I thought the Bachelor was filled with pathetic skanks. This show sets a new low. I mean, I’ve watched before, but I guess I blocked out a lot of the skankness. The best part is how the old contestants think they were chosen to be on this show because they’re the most famous or something. Hello? You were chosen because you’re the gross of the gross. I’m talking to you, Jaclyn. Fuck, all of you, actually…but some are clearly more skanked out than others. We’ll get to it.

Anyway, I’m still in Tahoe and I forced my friend to watch the show with me again. She was actually into it this time and I’m the first to admit I was entertained too. Mostly by the shock of it. People are really like this? Wow.

Chris Harrison lays it out for us, explaining how this season will not just be old contestants but super fans too. To which my friend asks, “Aren’t they all just fans? It’s not like any of them are famous, so they’re all just fans. It’s not like Jennifer Aniston is there, too.” She has a point. The

Skank Cast 

Chris from Emily’s season: The 25-year-old who thinks he’s mature, but cried like a fucking pussy. And has a huge temper. Apparently, his frighteningly low self-esteem manifests itself on the Bachelor Pad in the form of man-skank. A common theme on this show…and in life actually: Feel shitty about yourself? Bang everyone you can! Maybe someone will love you!

Lindzi from Ben’s season: I had mixed feelings about her. I wanted to think she was normal, and at times she seems cool, but then I found out she changed the spelling of her name to “Lindzi” just to seem extra special for the show. Unacceptable.

Reid from Jillian’s season: Reid was a favorite with the ladies. Not crazy hot, but he was so damn cool and a nice guy. He definitely would have won me over waaaaay before STD-laden Ed.

Ed from Jillian’s season: Speaking of dickhead Ed, here he is. In a nutshell, he thinks he is reaaaaaally, really cool for being on the Bachelorette and loves to take advantage of his false fame to bang chicks seven nights a week that he picks up in skank bars. I’m not saying you can’t be fun, young, and single, but he takes it to another skank level. In other words, he’s perfect for this show.

Blakeley from Ben’s season: In one of my recaps from Ben’s season I called her a lesbian cougar transvestite. Jesus Jen, not nice. I take back lesbian and transvestite, but I will keep cougar and add desperate, sad and resembles an Olympic female softball player. Also, she has the self-esteem of Nerf football. But she claims her ass-waxing job keeps her fulfilled so that’s nice.

Jaclyn from Ben’s season: One of the ugliest people I’ve ever seen, inside and out. What a fucking bitch. My friend says she looks like Paris Hilton after she got hit in the face with a frying pan. I say that’s too generous.

Kalon from Emily’s season: The way he looks at himself in the mirror, as he’s standing there in his underwear, is one of the scariest things I have ever seen. He looks like a murderer. I bet he’d ask if he could tie you up naked and poop on your chest on your first date. I turn to my husband (who is trapped in the same room as me since we’re on vacation) and I say, “I will never leave you no matter what because if I have to date in the real world again and fuckfaces like that are out there, I don’t want to go.” He replies, “Thanks? I guess…”

Paige, 24 – She’s one of the super fans. She thinks Chris is cute, so clearly her judgment is a little off. But I guess I’d say she’s normal-ish. Boring, not remarkably hot. Whatevs.

Chris, 28 – Another super fan…and I mean SUPER FAN. He likes to come home from a day of SWAT-teaming to his JC Penney pajamas, candles and red wine, and snuggles up on the sofa alone to watch the Bachelor. He also masturbates during every commercial break. As opposed to Kalon who wants to poop on you on your first date, Chris probably wants to caress your face and make slow-gentle love while listening to Kenny G. Yucks. Anyway, he claims he wants to go on the show to find real love. What an asshole.

Donna, 22 – Another super skank fan. From this introduction, she embodies everything I don’t want my daughter to grow up to be: A fucking skank whose self-esteem is based on the way her skank body looks in a bikini. In other words, she was perfectly cast for this show.

David, 28 – Another super fan. Is this guy for real?

Brittany and Erica – Holy trailer trash times two. Skank twins. And I mean, these chicks exemplify the definition of the word skank. One of them is apparently a virgin, but guess what, Virgin? You can still be a fucking virgin whore. I bet she’s given more blowjobs than all other Bachelor contestants combined, yet claims she’s a virgin so she seems clean. Yo bitch, wash that mouth out. There’s sperm on the side of your face. So anyway, I hate these bitches – they’re not only whores (the non-virgin admits she might have sex with someone as strategy), but they’re stupid and mean with terrible color jobs on their hair. I’m especially offended that they call Blakeley “old” since they think she’s 37. That’s my age and I’m not entering menopause soon, you stupid fucks. And yeah, I’m old, but I’d take my old, wrinkly ass over your stupid skankness any day. Enjoy your future, whoring and working at Yogurt Park. You fucks.

 Double the skank

Limos Arrive 

We see some of the people mentioned above and then a couple more we barely care about. Nick, the personal trainer from Ashley’s season. He seems the same and he looks like…well, a personal trainer. Exciting stuff.

Rachel from Ben’s season: I liked her. She seemed normal and fun.

Sarah from Brad’s first season: Who the fuck is this? She is not especially attractive or fun or skanky. I have no clue why she is on this show. They must have really had to grasp at straws to fill some last cast spots. Wow.

Ryan from DeAnna’s season: He’s a 32-year-old virgin who doesn’t drink. He’s a good guy who is a refreshing change from the skank twins but doesn’t hold much value for a show like Bachelor Pad. Also, what in God’s name possessed him to go on this show?

Jaclyn pops out of the limo and says, “I’m not here to please.” Guess what bitch? You’re also not pleasing my eyes.

Tony from Emily’s season: He gets out of the car asking, “Is this the gay Bachelor Pad? Am I in the right place?” I don’t know, he just seems a little gay. Anyway, Tony was the pussy who cried about his son all the time on Emily’s season. He says he wants to walk away from this show with the money AND love. Yeah, good luck with that. Your chances are much, much higher walking away with a genital wart outbreak.

Michael – Yeah, I don’t know. He seems like a funny guy, even sweet and normal. But I hate him for coming back to this show over and over. Move on with your life, dude.

Erica – Vapid, horrible chick. She’s just really shallow and stupid, but there’s always something that makes me feel bad for her. She just has NO self-esteem and spends her money trying to look good. Also, she needs a refund for those horrid extensions. She and Kalon have a feud brewing, probably because they’re battling for the Worst Human Award. She yells at Kalon to stop attacking her appearance because she’s worked hard on it. God, that’s so sad. Go work hard on being less stupid. Go study something.

The super fans are out next and you sort of want to punch all of them in the face. What assholes.

Cocktail Party 

The first night is filled with Ed doing nothing but trying to set a new drunken asshole standard. Don’t get me wrong, he looks like he’s having a good time and I’d love to do that too, but I hope I’d know not to throw it all out there. The first night. On national TV.

Smitty tells us there’s a competition each week and the winner gets a rose, which gives them immunity from being voted off. They also win a fun outing together. Sounds riveting, doesn’t it?

Smitty tells them that this week they will compete in couples, so they have to pair up. (FYI – the skank twins vote as one…because alone, they’re not smart enough to figure out how to put the picture in the ballot box.) The couples spend some time picking and choosing partners, but Ed is too drunk to participate. So when nobody picks Jaclyn, she is forced to take Ed. She runs out to the hot tub to tell him and understandably, he tries to drown himself when he realizes he’ll have to be with her.


This competition consists of the couples hanging out in a giant heart and whoever can stay there the longest wins. The big heart is hanging over a mat and gets tilted downward every few minutes. The first one to fall off gets a vote against them at the elimination that week.

Nate and Paige are partners, and there’s a little bit of flirtation there, but nothing exciting. Chris and Blakeley are partners – he isn’t really interested in her, but she is psychotically involved with him already. This is going to get good, people.

First ones down are Erica and Nate, and it’s shocking Erica isn’t more athletic. Not really.

One of the skank twins and David (a super fan) win the competition. God, could I care less? David asks himself, “Now I just have to figure out how to stick my penis into two vaginas at the same time…Hmmm.” I don’t think it’ll be that hard, actually. I’m sure their vaginas are huge. Actually one skank won’t put penises in her vagina, so she can just give you a blowjob later. God, this is gross and graphic.

Later on… 

The twins and David go on their date, which consists of riding some roller coasters at the Santa Monica pier and (shocking) skinny-dipping. That guy is stoked…but won’t be so happy when he wakes up with an enlarged, rashy penis.

Jamie is here…the horrendously awkward kisser from Ben’s season. She straddled him once and narrated her entire make out session with Ben and it was by far, the most awkward moment I’ve ever endured watching this show. But in that one moment, the producers saw what slut potential she had and immediately cast her in this show. She doesn’t disappoint – she takes Chris away to a dark room and makes out with him. They attempt to talk but that was oddly more awkward than anything, so they just decided to start kissing.

Blakeley somehow, misread the instructions from Smitty, and thought that by partnering with Chris it means she is sexually, emotionally and physically tied to him for the durationo of the show. Umm, Blakes? Please stop making us oldies look so fucking desperate and crazy. You’re his partner in a GAME, but he’s allowed to kiss other bitches. You haven’t even kissed him, right? What a crazy. Also, Jamie needs to tone down the makeup STAT. Yikes.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

Apparently, the boys are voting for Erica or Paige. It seems to be split down the middle. David, the super fan, tells Erica to her face that he’s going to vote for her. I don’t know why he thinks his honesty is so cool – he’s an idiot. She cries for a bit, and then confronts him at the pool, which is probably the best part of this episode. She says something like, “You’re ugly and a loser. You call yourself a fan, that’s pathetic.” I agree it’s pathetic to call yourself a fan, but I’m not above it. I’m a fan. However, I’m not SUCH a fan that I’d be willing to risk the health of my vagina to go on this show as a super fan and catch every STD under the sun. So she’s right he’s pathetic. However, she’s just as pathetic for thinking she’s a celebrity of sorts. She says to him, “You’d never be on the regular show.” Again, like being on the regular show is such an honor? Like only the best and coolest are on the show? Umm, no Erica. Look around you, sister. I’m not saying all the contestants are horrible people, but I also wouldn’t say they only pick the cleanest and most beautiful, right?

So the girls are voting off SWAT Chris for obvious reasons – he’s a little weird, none of the girls want to bang him and he’s a super fan. The house has divided itself between super fan and alumni. The guys are debating between Paige and Erica, with all the guys lying about who they plan to vote off, so it’s difficult to keep track of who is doing what and why. Also, I don’t really care.

In the end, SWAT Chris is going home who expresses sadness in the limo because he really wanted to go on the show to start a relationship. I mean, seriously? For being a super fan, he should realize that’s not a great plan. Also, he’s gay too. My friend: “Fuck, this show has more gay men on it then Project Runway.”

Paige is sent home for the girls. I’d rather have her there than Erica, but I’d say on the grand scale of things, it’s certainly not something I’m going to lose sleep over. God, I miss Jef.

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Bachlorette Finale Recap - Two hours and twenty minutes too long

What do you think, peeps? Good ending? I think most of us preferred Jef, right? As much as I loved him and wanted him for myself, I’m glad Emily picked him. If you really love someone, you set him free – isn’t that the saying? Go Jef, be with her. If it’s meant to be, you will find me.

Anyhoo, this week is a red-letter week because it marks the first time this season that I watched this show WITH someone. At home, my husband wants no part of this shit, but I’m on vacation in Lake Tahoe with one of my very best friends. I was dismayed to hear she doesn’t watch this show. I mean, how are we friends? I began to doubt everything. Maybe we’d have to cut the vacation short? Alas, she vowed to watch the entire three hours with me, which perhaps means she’s the best friend of all. That is a LOT to ask of someone who doesn’t watch the show. Well, it turned out, she was by far the most entertaining part of my night. She has a lot of anger and disgust for this crap and was pretty blown away so her comments were amazing. I asked if I could incorporate them into my blog post today and take credit for them…She said yes, but that doesn’t feel right. So when she has a gem for you, I’m quoting her directly. Brace yourself. So let’s get started.

They’re in Curacao and Ricki is there… with a fanny pack.

My friend: “How old is Ricki? Because that is not a 6-year-old body.”

Meet the Maynards 

Emily tells us she is in love with two guys and also, she is very bronzed. Her family is there to meet the guys and give her their opinions. Her Dad seems normal and very Dad-like. Her mother, Suzy, will look like Magda from “There’s Something About Mary” in about 10 years. And her brother turns out to be sweet, but he is scary as fuck out of the gate.

So Jef meets the family first and does a bang-up job. Suzy grills him but he answers in his poetic way and once again, I find myself wanting him to be naked on top of me. I get the feeling Suzy does too. He ends it with, “I want to marry her and love her forever.” Sigh…Her brother takes Jef away next and his face says, “I’m going to fucking kill this dude.” And he opens with, “Ricky (big Ricky) was perfect and nobody has ever lived up to him or given her what he did.” Well, okaaaaaay then, thanks. But then out of nowhere, he loves him. Jef talks to Pops next and asks for his approval if he proposes to Emily, and of course, Dad agrees. Everyone looooves Jef.

Arie is up next and he is very, very bronzey as well. And right away, he’s sweaty as balls. It’s extreeeeemely painful and awkward at first and my friend is confused as to why I’m trying to lift up the sofa in our condo to climb under it.

It starts to get a little better and Arie presents them with a gift: a box of all the roses Emily has given him throughout the show. “It symbolizes all the memories”, he says. They look genuinely touched.

My friend: “Thanks for the dead roses, Arie. In one box. We will…share them…somehow. Thank you.”

Magda talks to Arie and oddly, this crazy bird is totally growing on me. And she loves Arie too. And scary brother Ernie also digs Arie. He says he’s at a loss of what to tell his sister because he loves them both. Dad loves Arie. Shit, even I love Arie right now.

After they’re both gone, Emily asks her family’s advice and I’m sure they would agree with this: They are by far the least opinionated, least helpful family in the history of this show. It must be the Southern classy thing again. Nobody has the balls to speak up. Doesn’t even the sister-in-law want to say, “Well, that Arie guy IS a little sweaty.”

Finally, Magda and Pops say that it’s probably not realistic that she’s in love with two guys and Magda tells her maybe it’s wise to hold off on getting engaged. Emily and her uterus don’t like this rational voice-of-reason. She needs an engagement and baby STAT.

Back to the studio audience. I’m not enjoying this audience-participation thing. Just play the finale and then the special afterwards. Leave the dickwad audience out of it. And they are a bunch of dickwads… It’s fun to watch the two or three guys there – they are not happy.

Back to the show. We see Ricki frolicking with Emily again, as she gets ready for her date with Jef.

My friend: “Does Ricki have a disease or something?” (I look at her with wide eyes that say, “holy shit, did you just fucking say that? Brutal.”) She says, “No, no, the fanny pack. Why the fanny pack? Is she carrying insulin or something?” This makes me laugh.

Jef Date 

Jef and Emily meet on the beach for their last date. He asks how she is and she says that she’s stressed. He asks what is she stressed about?

My friend: “Are my teeth white enough?”

Jef admits there is still some doubt because he still hasn’t met Ricki. So it doesn’t take long for her to tell him that they’re going to play with Ricki today. Right then, I know how this finale will end. Emily would get too much shit from the crazies out there if she introduced Ricki to both men. Emily is too pious to do that, too. God, I’m good at this show. It’s so pathetic.

My friend: “Wow, her chomps are terrifying.”

They head over to the house she’s staying at, with Ricki, and they meet her and play in the pool. Jef is pretty cute and does a good job winning over Ricki and her fanny pack. I might add here that Ricki is much more comfortable in bodies of water than Emily. She does flips and doesn’t even plug her nose. Impressive.

Emily says she knows he’d be the best father, and Jef says meeting Ricki was the final piece of the puzzle.

My friend: “They’re just a fucking family right now. Is he going to propose in the pool?”

They hang out later and he gives her a fancy coffee table book about Curacao that he’s graffiti-ed with stick drawings of them. I admit, I sort of dig it. She laughs and laughs. They talk and talk about their “journey” and the places they’re gone to, and I’m squinting to understand them.

My friend: “Are they speaking a fucking foreign language? I can’t understand a goddamn thing. Also, is he a virgin?”

They spend some time perusing the book before he leaves.

My friend: “Why does he have a tattoo of the Sean John logo on his arm?”

This is an impressive observation. She then spends the next 20 minutes online sleuthing his tattoo. Apparently, it’s a tattoo of a word his Dad came up with, combining the names of all his siblings. It DOES use the same Sean John font though.

Chris Visit 

Despite the fact she says she woke up with a sense of peace, she invites Smitty over to chat, because he’s been through so much and knows about this show, etc.

My friend: “Is he a fucking psychologist? What the?”

 She tells Chris that Jef is the one, but immediately starts crying as she talks about Arie. She says she just can’t go on a date with him, knowing what she feels for Jef now. Smitty tells her to be honest with Arie and that he thinks she’s doing the right thing.

Arie "Date

Meanwhile, Arie goes to a creepy old witch lady who forces him to make a love potion with her. Without Emily. Isn’t he concerned as to why he’s alone on this date? He asks the lady, “Umm, do you know where Emily is?” She replies, “Oh no no no, Emily not coming.” Just kidding.

This is all just super dick of the show’s producers, by the way…but it doesn’t shock me with Mike Fleiss at the helm. That guy is smarmy.

Arie says to the Bachelor cam, “This is my last date with Emily!”

My friend: “Yeah, forever.”

He sits on a bench and waits for her, and gives her the happiest hello ever when she gets there. Ugg, this is painful. I might have to dive under the sofa for this one.

He tells Emily he made a cool love potion for her. “Super”, she replies, “I’ll bring this to Jef later.”

My friend (who is doing a modified version of couch-hiding): “ I can’t handle this. I’m going on Pinterest. I can’t watch.”

Emily does a less-than-stellar job of telling him to piss off. I get that it’s super awkward but she definitely fails a little. She keeps saying she has more confidence with her relationship with Jef. Why can’t she just say that she fell deeper in love with Jef? That’s honest and not shocking…I mean, they’re on the fucking Bachelor. It’s not like he doesn’t KNOW there’s another dude. Fuck.

She keeps blabbing on, “I always thought it would be you.” Emily…stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. And then silence. Please say something else. Fuck this is painful.

He gets up to walk away and says, “There’s nothing else to say”, as Emily chases him.

My friend: “This isn’t about getting your needs met, Emily.” I glance at her. She glances at me. “OK I’m going to keep pinning now.”

He is pissed but remains a gentleman (unlike pissy Ben Flajnik’s departure), so I’m glad Arie didn’t turn into a total douche bag.

In the car, he’s just sad, says he feels stupid and na├»ve, etc. He said that he still believes she’s the love of his life. Fuck, this is sad. I consider getting on Pinterest.

Back to studio audience. Smitty: “That was very sad. It’s clearly affected everyone here in the studio.” Pan to the audience to see a bunch of sad saps. You overhear the producer yelling, “OK people, we’re sad, we’re sad, hold it, hold it….no smiles, please. Hold the sadness. Cry if you can…and CUT!”

All of a sudden we’re interviewing JP and Ashley? What the fuck? Hang on, I get it. Emily jacked the finale by cutting out the entire Arie date, so we needed some filler. Ashley and JP have grown on me, but I could do without Deanna. And she could do without those jeans. Then we talk to Michael, who is fun I suppose, but who the hell is Ashley Spivey?

The Proposal

Back to the show. Emily woke up with so much love, that she and Ricki decided to spend some time writing in their journals. And she still has her insulin fanny pack.

My friend has completely bailed out at this point, by the way. She might be asleep.

Neil Lane definitely gets the short end of this stick. He has a twenty-second appearance and doesn’t get any therapist time, like he previously has. Jef picks out a big ‘ol rock and he’s on his way.

Emily and Jef are both getting ready for the big proposal night. Her dress is hoooorendous. Peach madness. Wow.

My friend (who has reemerged. I think she just needed a five-minute mental break): “Fuck, pageants R Us. Wow.”

They’re playing up some fake drama now about whether Jef will propose or not…and whether Emily will say yes or not. Of course he will. And of course she will. Geesh.

Emily makes it to shanty-town Curacao, the backdrop for this season’s big proposal. I get it – the ocean views are windy and annoying, but really this is the next best thing? It’s an alley in Curacao. And they set up a stage. And Jef walks through a fake shitty gate. I would be willing to bet this does not line up with Emily’s dream proposal.

My friend: “Is this where they make their love blossom? On this shitty set with shitty plants in a shitty alley?”

Jef arrives and Emily tells him that he’s the one. She also tells him that he was the only one to meet Ricki (duh…Jef probably knew he had it in the bag too)

Jef does an amazing job memorizing a pretty good speech. It’s very sweet and he again sounds like a friggin poet. He tells Em-dawg that God puts the right people in our lives when the time is right, and he’s so grateful she didn’t give up on love. He ends with, “If you let me into your life, I’ll never let you feel lonely ever again.” The boy is good.

He gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him. She waits forever to answer him and finally say yes.

My friend: “They paid her per second. Assholes.”

They play the “Glory of Love” and montage together their “journey”. I begin to tear up and I try really hard to hide it from my friend. But it gets even a tad cheesy for me. Good lord.

There’s been some debate among my friends about why they chose to use this song…I think they used it because it’s awesome. I have a soft spot for Peter Cetera. Another friend thinks the Bachelor franchise is too fucking cheap to spend money for the rights to more popular and current songs. The last argument is that the REAL target audience for this show is 40-year-old desperate housewives and this song is more in our range. I admit, it brought me right back to Ralph Macchio Karate Kid days.

My Friend: “Thank God, that was a long three hours.” I reply, “Umm, that was only two.” Friend: “FUCK!”

After the Final Rose

The After the Final Rose portion was pretty boring, mostly because Jef and Emily are still happy so there is no drama. Emily blabs on about how great Jef is…

My friend: “Her likeness to Jessica Simpson makes me think she’s dumber than she actually is.”

Arie comes out and looks like a sad little girl. He’s pretty sweet and I feel bad for him, but he’s looking a tad pussy-ish. He’s clearly not over her at all. But I am pleased to see they finally found the poor guy some powder.

He tells her that he wishes she was more direct with him and she admits she’s not good at being the bearer of bad news. See? This is boring.

Apparently, he flew to Charlotte after the season ended to see Emily but decided not to go through with it. A mature move, actually. He decided to leave her his journal, which she tells him she didn’t read. I’m about to ditch this show.

Chris asks if he was shocked the day Emily dumped him. He says he was shocked and never thought about other guys. Well, that’s just ridiculous. Hello? She’s on a show where the entire premise is to date 25 dudes. It’s not shocking she met someone else.

My friend has left the room, by the way.

Anyway, not much else interesting with Arie. I’m sure he’ll be pounding chicks down the Nascar circuit so he’s all good.

Jef comes out next and I see he’s gotten a hold of her bronzer. They blab about how wonderful they both are and how much they love each other. I’m so tired. For the love of God, let’s wrap it up. I do notice that Jef looks funny here. It might be nerves, but it might be a little diarrhea. That’s what it looks like – he looks like he might shit his pants any minute and he’s trying to hold it in.

They talk about having secret meetings and hanging out with Ricki. Emily says that Jef was probably exhausted after that weekend with Ricki and he replies, “Um yeah, that was different for me.” Oh shit, he has no clue what he’s gotten himself into.

They rewatch the proposal and Chris asks what took her so long to say yes. It took ten seconds, he says…

My friend: “LIAR! It was 15 seconds because I timed it!” She’s back apparently, and more invested in this show than I thought.

At the next commercial, Chris Harrison tells us he wants to bring our attention to an issue that they care strongly about, here at the Bachelor. It’s about...protecting our oceans. I can honestly say this is the last thing I ever thought would have come out of his mouth. What. The. Fuck. Why do they care about the ocean? Because they’ve been polluting it with sperm for almost a decade?

Back to the show. Jef and Emily tell us they might get married next spring in Charleston, after they take a trip to Africa. They also tell us he’s moving to Charlotte. Interesting. I feel like these two will actually make it. I tell my friend this and she replies, “Well fuck yes. He’s Mormon and she has a kid. And she’s done this show once before and failed. They might be miserable one day but they will never break up.”

Good point, actually. Sorry for the shit recap, but I’m pooped. However, I’m actually excited for Bach Pad tonight…but my friend is not.