Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Bachelor Recap - Ben's penis: "Winning!"

I have to get this off my chest. Courtney is an attention-desperate whore. Wooo that feels good! But we’ll get to that later.

This week, we’re down to 11 chicks and they head to Puerto Rico. Chris Harrison welcomes them to their suite and tells them there will be a group date and two one-on-one dates. Then he adds, “And here’s your first date card. See you at the Rose Ceremony. If anybody needs me, and you won’t…I mean, who are we kidding here…but if you do need me, I’ll be masturbating by the pool.”

I have no idea what that means. For some reason he strikes me as a constant masturbator. Plus he’s got a lot of time on his hands and isn’t that what all dudes do when they’re bored?

Nikki Date

Nikki gets the first date card and she does NOT play it cool. Ben says Nikki brings out “a playful side of me.” That’s code for: I have no sexual feelings for this person whatsoever. And if you watch the blurb after the credits of Ben and Nikki in a chocolate bath, you’ll know what I’m talking about. She’s completely asexual to him. Like a starfish.

Shoooocking – they get in a helicopter. You can tell they narrowly escaped death. Those things are dangerous. Let’s put Courtney in one.

They walk around the city and stop at a snow cone-type street vendor where Nikki asks for an ice penis. Seriously, check out this picture. Yes, I took a picture of the screen with my phone. I’m a very serious journalist.

 ice penis...yum!

Side note: She’s wearing bright yellow nail polish. Oh man, is this another trend I missed? Along with the shorts with cowboy boots thing? Along with the general acceptableness of total whoreness? (But I didn’t miss the bare vagina trend. See post here).

It rains and I feel bad for her. Wanna know why? Some girls look natural and hot when they’re wet. Nikki is not one of them. She thrives with the makeup. I’ll leave it at that.

Even Ben agrees. He says, “Her ability to go with the flow is a turn-on. Her face right now, however, is not.”

Since their clothes are wet, they buy new ones and I appreciate Ben’s sense of humor here and the fact that he’s willing to look like a gay jungle cruise captain. She of course, looks the same. Snooze. I would have worn his outfit too. And THAT is why Ben wouldn’t fall for a chick like me. Cause I’m fun. And often look like an asshole.

After walking around in the rain, they head to dinner. Or maybe it’s just a snack on a big puffy bench. Anyway, they chat and she does a poor job of explaining why her marriage failed. “We became different people”. Snooze. I want to like her, but she’s boooooring. And if she says, ONE more time, that she wants her goddamn second chance at the fairy tale, I’m going to punch her.

They kiss, but it looks pretty benign. Not a lot of sexual heat between these two. I’m not saying you want Courtney-level of skank, but you need a little passion, right? Unlike Elyse, Nikki is not someone who would want to be pooped on during sex (My new blog goal is to mention someone being pooped on in every post).

Group Date

The group date is for Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie B., Emily, Rachel, Casey, Jamie and Blakeley. They pull up to the baseball stadium where Emily says, “We were all taken aback when we saw the stadium!” No you weren’t. Cause you’re all wearing athletic gear, so you weren’t that surprised. So shut up, Germ girl. This chick is bugging me.

The girls start working out with a couple of Puerto Rican baseball players. Ben comments, “Right away, I can see how coordinated and athletic some of the women are.” There’s an emphasis on SOME here. Some chicks are NOT natural looking on the field. However, if you look TOO athletic at baseball, you begin to look a little butchy. Hi Blakeley.

 I would cry if I had to do this on a date

Soon enough, the kids are split into two teams and they play a two-inning game – wooo! Let’s not aim too high! TWO whole innings?! The winning team gets a beach party with Ben tonight. You would have thought that the girls were told the winner gets ten million dollars. They’re playing…umm, very competitively.

Blakeley says, “I want to win so bad I can literally taste it. Like Hooters hot wings. Umm, not that I would know what Hooters hot wings taste like. I’ve never been there and I’ve certainly never worked there. Nope, not me. Anyhoo, let’s play ball!” To which Courtney replies, “What did you say? We can play with balls? I love balls! I’m IN!”

Side note: Who is that catcher?

The game goes to five or six innings since they keep tying up the game and I just thank my lucky stars they don’t film it in its entirety. For fucks’ sake, is it over yet?

The red team wins – Courtney, Casey, Kacie B., and Jamie. That leaves Blakeley, Emily, Jennifer and Rachel in the dumps. They are pissed and crying and weeping and I hate them.

Ben comments that the girls played their hearts out. He says, “It’s like losing the series!” Ummm, I certainly hope he’s not referring to the WORLD Series, right? Maybe the World Series of skank? I don’t know what that means. I can tell you one thing they all need to win…the World Series of Self-Esteem. No really, I have no idea what I’m talking about.

At the beach party, there are only two important things to note: One is that Kacie B. is a little cross-eyed, and should always do whatever she can to find a flat iron. Two is that…oh I guess there was only one.

Not much happens at all. He talks to each of the girls privately and it’s not super interesting. Courtney plants the seed in Ben’s head that she wants to skinny dip with him and he needs to wait until his boner goes down before they walk back to the rest of the girls.

He gives the rose to Kacie B. and her afro.

Side note: Commercial…do not, I repeat, do not let me see that ridiculous Drew Barrymore movie about whales. For the love of God…

Elyse Date

This is the date I want. The private luxury yacht with lots of alcohol and laziness. Ahhh. None of this zip lining or baseball bullshit. Give me the pina colada.

Inexplicably, Elyse gets this date. She’s crying when she’s getting ready for the date saying she’d be sad to go home tonight. It’s usually not a good sign if you’re crying about this before you even go on the date. And she should be scared - you can tell when he greets her that he has zero interest in her.

She tells Ben she gave up her job to be here. Huge red flag. Huge. This would be item number one in my curriculum when I teach my class to new bachelorettes about how to NOT look crazy. Why make it seem like you’re so desperate for a man? I’m so wise, it’s scary.

You know how some men say a woman smoking is a turn off? Or maybe an overweight woman? Or maybe a woman with hairy legs? You know what I consider a big turn off? A woman who plugs her nose when she jumps off a boat. She looks like a four year old.

After their day on the yacht, they head to a private dinner on the beach, where I note she has a serious addiction to self-tanning lotion. Wow. She’s copper colored, for shits’ sake.

They have a horrible conversation at dinner:

E: So do you have questions for me?
B: Ummm, you have no idea.
E: Shoot, slick.
B: Okay, do you like getting pooped on during sex, like that blogger keeps saying?
E: I plead the fifth.
B: You can’t. This is need-to-know information.
E: Umm okay, then no way. That is gross. Only on Sundays.
B: Do you like me?
E: I don’t know but I DO KNOW that I really want to be engaged and get married. I don’t really care who I marry, but I am ready for that next step.
B: Do you realize that’s a stupid thing to say? You’re supposed to say something like “I’m ready to get married, but of course, I’m not willing to rush it, I want the right guy, etc”
E: Riiiight. Can we talk about poop again? I HATE it when the guy poops on my shoulder. Then it gets in my hair.
B: Aaaand we’re good here! Buh bye.

He tells her that he can’t give her the rose. I wish he’d just say that he doesn’t feel it, but instead he blabs about feeling stronger towards the other girls. Whatevs.

She keeps saying, “What did I do wrong?” I hate this question. All the young girls say it. He just doesn’t like you. It’s not what you did, it’s just who you are. Deal with it.

Courtney and the Skinny Dip

After he gives Elyse the boot, he walks, in his capri tuxedo pants, back to his room where he is greeted by a robed Courtney. She comments that she’ll be a sight for sore eyes to Ben. She tacks on, “After a day with Elyse, his eyes are probably pretty sore.” I couldn’t be MORE upset that I didn’t think of this myself. Good one, Court.

She brings some wine into his place and they drink and she talks him into skinny-dipping. I think. I don’t think I understand half the words she says. There is a lot of talking from the side of her mouth, baby talk and mumbles. A terrible combo. Maybe all the STD’s have impaired her brain function. Like an STD-induced stroke.

Ben hesitates about getting naked with her, realizing that’s it’s a pretty dick thing to do (no pun intended). But he says, “I’m thinking it’s not a good idea but then she’s taking it upon herself to magically appear on my doorstep, so why not? Why the hell not?” I’ll tell you why not, Ben. I’ll give you a hint. It starts with an “h” and ends with “erpes”.

They get naked and get in the water, and I’m willing to bet a great deal of money I don’t have on the fact they just had sex. It’s 100% guaranteed. She thinks this is the only way men will like her and she’s correct, so she’s certainly using that here. Ben is so dumb. He’s losing America’s support faster than I can say, “Herpes alert.”

Cocktail Party

The party is stupid with very little excitement. Blakeley pulls Ben aside to tell him that she never thought she was deserving of love until now. I don’t get why Ben thinks this is so great, but he does. Let’s move on.

The girls have a funny conversation about skinny dipping and I would have paid money to watch last night’s show with some of these chicks, who found out for the first time that Courtney skinny-dipped with Ben in Puerto Rico.

Emily tells Ben she’s sorry for bringing up Courtney last week…and then brings up Courtney again. For a smart chick, she’s being really stupid right now. Let it GO. Ben gets pissed and tells her that she needs to “tread lightly”, which kind of pisses me off. I agree with him that Emily needs to drop it, but Benny is coming off a little too cocky right now. You don’t call all the shots, Ego Boy. Oh wait, you do. Fuck, forget it.

Rose Ceremony

Nikki and Kacie B. already have roses. The other roses go to:

Lindzi: Loves baseball but sucks at it. Loves horses.
Jamie: Seriously must be so boring because she has not logged five minutes of airtime.
Rachel: Weird teeth, doesn’t open up. She’ll be gone in two weeks.
Courtney: Slutty Slutkins.
Casey: Who?
Blakeley: Ex-Hooters waitress, can play ball and just realized she deserves love.
Emily: Germ PhD student, who continuously shoots herself in the foot.

That means poor Jennifer is sent home. I really liked her but there was no way this chick would be the final pick. She’s really nice to him as she leaves but then cries in the limo. And then cries some more. One thing is certain – she should never cry in public ever again. Ever.

On an unrelated note, I love my friends. Wanna know why? Because they're cool enough to still go out to bars in San Francisco, find Ben and take pictures and immediately email them to me. Check out this shot from a friend's phone, taken 2 days ago. Apparently, he was chatty with some girls but behaved himself. And his friends were MORE than excited to be hanging out with a guy who is now recognizable. Ha.

Ben. Same hair. Definitely him.

See you next week in Panama City!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A Tale from My Vagina...

I’ve thought long and hard about whether to post this…It’s, uh, relatively private. And probably a little gross. But then I figured the name of this blog is “stuff I probably shouldn’t say out loud”, and that’s pretty true for this story. And it’s amusing - to me anyway, so here goes.

I’ve always wanted to get a Brazilian bikini wax. I think every chick under the age of 25 has one now, but I’m 36 so I always thought this was a trend only young, hot, single chicks adhered to. But I really, really wanted to do it. So I made an appointment, a few years ago, to go with my friend, Helen. The day before the appointment I went on a really vigorous bike ride. Really vigorous. So vigorous I chafed my crotch up something fierce, and it was bruised and rashy. True story…so I cancelled figuring a hot wax wasn’t what my crotch needed, but Helen went through with it. Later, when I asked her about it, she said she loved the results but the process was every bit as horrifying as one would imagine. You are spread wide open in front of a stranger and she waxes every last hair…I just don’t know how I feel about a stranger all up in my shit. I then made the mistake of asking, “Does she wax your butthole?” and she replied, “Oh yes she does. I laid down on my stomach, bucked my ass in the air and spread my butt checks open for her, while she slathered some wax in there.” Aaaaaand that was enough for me. I was OUT. No thank you.

Many years later, my fascination with this reemerged. Maybe it’s because I birthed twins and after that, I had zero modesty. There were approximately 95 people in that delivery room, I swear. I was lucky enough to have one vaginal delivery AND an emergency c-section, so there was fluid and blood and babies coming out every which way. Anyway, I was interested in the Brazilian wax thing, and it’s not because I have “jungle beav”, as my friend Mike asked. It’s because I’m permanently scarred from an incident this summer. I was at a pool and a girl about my age, in a bikini, was sitting on the edge of the pool. She stood up, and in the process, her bikini bottom shifted SLIGHTLY and BOOM - pubic hair was EVERYWHERE. It was snaking around her midsection for fucks’ sake. Holy cow. I gagged…and then I vowed never to be her, sporting this ripped sofa look from my bathing suit. I decided to get this hair thing taken care of.

Instead of waxing, I had heard about laser hair removal from a friend, so I made an appointment at one of those medical spas. At my consultation, laser nurse assured me they do a ton of Brazilian laser hair removals. For some reason, the humiliation of this is way easier to swallow than a Brazilian wax. I have to go six times, but then I’m DONE and this woman will never see me or my vagina ever again. No upkeep! Part of what was throwing me off with the whole Brazilian wax thing was the fact I’d get vagina stubble (SUPER attractive, I’m sure) and have to keep going back for more waxing…which means new women would be seeing my vagina and asshole all the time. Not OK.

So I agree to it and make the appointment. She gives me “numbing cream” and tells me to apply it an hour before my appointment. This simultaneously makes me feel better (oh good, this will help dull the pain) and tense (what the fuck?! This hurts so much I need numbing cream?!)

The morning of the appointment, I slather on the numbing cream and it’s just plain wrong – your vagina should never feel like that. I walk out of the house with my vagina feeling like I just sat naked on a block of ice for 20 minutes. When I get there, I ask to pee first, because I’m afraid I’ll pee all over my laser nurse due to the lack of sensation. I pee in a toilet but it pretty much goes all over the place since I can’t feel a damn thing. So far, this deal is kind of gross.

Here we go…and no, I wasn’t in a gynecological position with my feet in stirrups. I was lying on my back with the bottoms of my feet flat against each other and my legs “butterflied” out. Her words, not mine. She starts “up top” – on the lower stomach (really lower), if you know what I mean. It hurts like a motherfucker. The numbing cream is a complete waste of time. I want to punch her in the face. She warned me it would feel like a hot rubber band snapping my skin. This is bullshit. That’s like saying childbirth is like a slight cramp. It HURTS. I tell her it hurts and she replies, “Well if it makes you feel any better, your hair is popping out like popcorn!” No bitch, that doesn’t make me feel better. Fucking stop.

But it’s pretty quick and she’s done this section. I know you’ll ask, so here’s your answer: It’s not totally hairless – she leaves me a soul patch – a mere confirmation of my adulthood. Postage stamp size proof of the fact I don’t completely resemble a six-year old. I mean, I didn’t want my vagina to look like Jon Benet Ramsey’s. Well, she’s dead, but you know what I mean. My vagina doesn’t look like her vagina before she died. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.

Next she gets down to business and starts to laser…down THERE. Way down there. In my business. I keep thinking, this wacky stranger is shooting lasers in my vagina. This is weird. Oddly, it doesn’t hurt AT ALL. Perhaps the numbing cream is more effective in this area, or maybe my body has now gone into complete shock. Like the guy who had a railroad spike shot through his head and he walked to a hospital, complaining of a slight headache. Oh God, did that bitch fire a railroad spike into my vagina?

She pushes that little laser machine waaaay down there, so I wonder if I may have gotten lucky and she actually reached my butt from this angle! Nope…she asks me to turn over. But here comes the most horrifying part: “OK Jen, now get on all fours, like a dog, but then go down on your elbows and really arch your back.” I encourage all of you to do this right now. Do it……….now picture being naked with a laser-wielding stranger shooting hot beams at your ass. In a medical spa. Very transactional. And completely horrifying. I instantly reprimand myself for not having gotten drunk before this.

In the middle of all this, I remember something a friend told me, who also had her vagina lasered. She said the smell is horrendous. Burning flesh, burning pubic hair, I don’t need to elaborate. Anyhoo, I realize I don’t smell anything at all. Again, maybe I’ve chosen to block it out, but I don’t smell anything! I mention this to the laser nurse: “Hey I was told there would be a gnarly smell, but I don’t smell anything.” She replies, “I smell gravy!”

I’m not joking.

What the fuck did you say, bitch? Did you just tell me that my burning vagina smells like a warm turkey topping? Instead I politely say, “Umm, excuse me? You smell gravy? From my hooter?” And I think the woman almost passes out she’s laughing so hard. She says, “OH MY GOD!! HAHAHAHA NO! The restaurant below us is making something that smells like gravy to me! That’s all I smell! I didn’t mean YOU smell like gravy! HAHHAHAH!”

So I reply, “Well, bitch, if you didn’t want me to think you were referring to my vagina, maybe you should have said, ‘Your vagina doesn’t smell like anything but a fresh rose garden. However, I smell gravy from the restaurant.’ But you didn’t say that, did you, Laser Devil? Nope.”

Okay I didn’t say that, but I came close. I just moved on and she started talking about the pig she roasted for Thanksgiving. Yup. It’s just a weird day.

Anyway, she finishes up and it feels friggin’ sensational. Well, it actually just feels numb for a few more hours, but then it feels sensational. Another sentence I never thought I’d write. Especially on a public blog. My dad is so proud.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Bachelor Recap – Courtney is a super asshole!

I just can’t believe it took three episodes this season for a helicopter to make an appearance. There’s Benny, riding into Park City, Utah (uh, beautiful!) on a helicopter. He quickly transitions to a horse to voiceover himself about the girls, blah blah blah. I’m not listening because I’m captivated by how unnatural he looks on a horse. Lindzi would not be impressed.

The girls head to Utah and Chris Harrison welcomes them in their kick ass suite to explain the week to them, which is always the goddamn same. There are three dates – a group date and two one-on-one dates, with a rose “up for grabs” on each date. I love the “up for grabs” part. I picture hungry wolves attacking the rose, or something like that. Not too far from the truth actually. Just wolves with some STDs, insecurity issues, lots of makeup and bitchy attitudes.

Rachel Date

Rachel gets the first one-on-one date and Kacie B. is pissed. She’s weeping a lot, saying she’s sad that he’s going to spend the day with someone else. It’s so HARD. I get it, girlfriend. I get it. You like him and it’s hard to watch him hump other chicks. But you signed up for it, so this is where maturity would kick in and say, “I’m going to suck it up and deal.” However, Kacie is 16 years old. Okay she’s 24, I think, but to me this feels like 16…probably because I’m old as fuck now, at the ripe old age of 36, but also because at age 24, I was as mature as Jonathan Lipnicki in Jerry Maguire. (How’s THAT for an old person movie reference?!)

 Jonathan Lipnicki in Jerry Maguire

 And just to prove how old I am, Jonathan Lipnicki now

Anyway, Kacie B., I like you. You’re cute and normal but you have to cut this shit out. It’s a turn off and Ben isn’t into the emotional chick crap, so stop it.

Back to the date. Rachel is the 27-year-old “Fashion Sales Rep” from New York, aka Cashier at Kohl’s. Anyway, Ben picks her up at the hotel in a…helicopter! Weee! Nicki comments how she’s so jealous since she’s never been in a helicopter. Don’t be, lady – they’re flying death traps. They defy all laws of flight physics and it’s just not right. (My pilot husband is sitting next to me right now saying, “Helicopters are not death traps and adhere to the same flight properties of regular airplanes. Stop freaking out your readers.” To which I respond, “When you get in a helicopter, you have a one-in-five chance of dying.” It’s true. I’m almost sure of it.

I had too much coffee today. First a Jonathan Lipnicki rant and now helicopters? Let’s move on.

Rachel and Ben fly around in silence since they have absolutely zero chemistry. They land and start rowing a canoe on an insanely pretty lake. Ben does all the rowing while Rachel sits there and brainstorms what they’ll talk about next.

They head to dinner in some random log cabin and the conversation is PAINFUL. They purposely don’t edit it at all, so we see the long painful pauses in full detail. At least I THINK it’s painful - my husband tells me it’s painful but I’m under my sofa and just can’t watch.

She admits that she can’t open up easily and I decide that “not opening up” is code for “I’m just socially awkward and insecure”. He’s not asking that you tell him about your inner secrets, he just wants you to speak actual words, even it’s about the weather. Just TALK.

For some reason, he gives her the rose and says he’s not sure if they have a connection but he likes kissing her. So she’ll love hearing that, I’m sure. I give her two more weeks, tops.

Group Date

The group date is for eight ladies: Jamie, Casey, Blakeley, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B., and Courtney.

Ben, again on horseback, rides up to meet the girls, and they all say he looks so handsome like a knight in shining armor. I don’t see it. He almost falls off his horse when it bounces through the river. So more of a funny, comic knight in armor, like a cartoon. Like this guy:

He tells the girls they’re going horseback riding and Lindzi has an orgasm right then and there. “I LOVE horses! They’re my passion! Remember Ben? When I rode in on one the first night? I LOVE love love horses!” They ride horses, and Lindzi stays in the back of the pack. The “guides” probably asked her to do so since she actually knows what she’s doing and can keep the rest of these idiots in check. But my husband thinks it’s nice – that’s she’s not flaunting her horse-whisperer talents, but just playing it cool in the back of the pack. I’m concerned that I’ve gotten him hooked on this show. Needless to say, if I were Lindzi, I’d be riding up on the other girls, trying to spook their horses and buck those bitches off.

Anyway…they arrive at a river and Ben tells them they’re going fly-fishing. Courtney does a very weak and fake, “yay”, and I laugh. The model is going to try to be outdoorsy here, secretly hating every moment. I kind of agree though - I actually would like to try fly-fishing, but not on a Bachelor date. I want the yacht and free pina coladas. And sandwiches.

Kacie immediately starts whining about how she needs time with Ben so he’ll reassure her about how he feels. Oh Lord, this has disaster written all over it. Meltdown city in t-minus three episodes. Seriously, when a girl is desperate for “reassurance” it doesn’t scream, “I’m so confident and independent!”

Ben heads off to be with Courtney who walks away a bit, so they can be alone on the river. Let’s talk about Courtney for a bit. First of all, her nose has clearly been surgically altered – when she wrinkles her face up, it has a strange reaction. As if the nose is not from this world. And her mouth is a whole other situation. It doesn’t actually move much when she talks. And it’s sharp and pointy. And her eyes are too far apart. And she’s a raging bitchy whore. That too.

Courtney remarkably catches a fish, but only because it’s common knowledge that fish in the Park City area are attracted to asshole whores. She flaunts it and Ben has a goofy fucking grin on his face saying he “loves spending time with Courtney” and I literally want to slap it away. Ben, stop thinking with your dick and open your eyes. I’m not saying the rapping PhD student is the way to go, but this bitch isn’t a great option for you. She will dump your little winemaker ass as soon as she gets a little notoriety from this show.

After the fishing ridiculousness, they head to a cocktail party type-thing at a hotel. Ben takes one girl aside and then they just keep switching places, like a friggin job interview, where you have to slother all over the boss and talk like an asshole. Nicki comments how terrified she is at how much she feels for Ben right now. I love it when chicks start using words like “terrifying”. It can only mean GREAT things for us, the viewing audience. She says the single most clich├ęd thing you can say to a guy on this show: “You just have to live every day like it’s your last and I want to make this moment with you a lasting one.” Bullshit. I hate it when people say you have to live every day like it was your last. How impractical. If it was your last day on earth, would anyone be at work? Would you bother showering? Pay bills? Use birth control? Fill your car with gas? Eat healthy? NO! We’d all go to McDonalds for lunch and then have unprotected, kinky sex with fucking strangers.

Anyway, Ben tells Nicki that she “thrives” in a group setting, which makes her sound like a tomato plant. They make out until crazy Samantha interrupts them. Despite the fact they’ve never kissed or even been alone together in a room, she claims she deserves a ring on her finger. Yes, she said that. So she immediately gets pissed at Ben, bitching him out about why she hasn’t gotten a one-on-one date yet. Last time I checked the common knowledge handbook, it said not to fucking insult the Bachelor. I mean, yeah….duh.

Ben appropriately gets pissed and he says, “Step off bitch. You’re lucky you’re still here, you troll whore. Between your face and your attitude, I can’t believe you were even cast on this show. Now suck it, you asshole.” Well, that’s what he said but when it actually came out of his mouth, it sounded more like this, “It’s hard to justify giving you a one-on-one date when you are so emotional on group dates. I don’t see this going further. Buh bye.” And he sends her ass home! So great! Go Ben! Hive five! Now just dump bird-mouth Courtney and you’ll be back in my good graces.

He takes Kacie B. away who is much less crazy now since she’s been “reassured”. He then takes Courtney aside who gets half-naked with him by the fire. She plants her bird mouth on his, but then goes on and on about how hard this is, even though she’s completely lying through her teeth. I’m not entirely sure though since she doesn’t open her mouth to talk, so it sounds like this: “Beeeen, hyyyh theee thhh bshss hjiw haaaard. Waaaaa.”

Ben says it’s so hard to watch Courtney struggle and gives her the rose, which is so fucking hypocritical. When these chicks cry and get pissed, Ben has no tolerance for their emotional bullshit…except when it comes to her. He’s going to pick her, isn’t he? Ben, come ON.

He gives her the rose, which is insane, of course. She smirks her bird mouth into the Bachelor camera and says, “winning!” a la Charlie Sheen. But it sounds more like “Mmm mming”, due to her closed-mouth issue.

Jennifer Date

Jennifer, the 28-year-old Accountant from Oklahoma, oddly gets the last one-on-one date. She’s cute and nice, I think, but I don’t exactly see her with Ben. He likes the hot skanky ones a little more. So we’ll see how this goes.

They climb a fence with a strategically placed “No Trespassing” sign on it. Oh surprise, they come across a hole in the ground, which is apparently some crater. Despite the fact they’re acting like they stumbled across it, Ben is oddly prepared with a complete harness system. Oh no, here we go again with the whole “relationships actually are exactly like climbing into a crater in Utah” talk. Relationships are about trust and overcoming fears, blah blah blah. Oh yeah, Ben? Then why are you so fascinated with Courtney? What fears have you two overcome together? Fear of being pecked to death by her bird mouth?

Jennifer says, “I’m terrified but I want Ben to think I’m game for anything.” I appreciate this fucked-up, pretending-to-be-something-you’re-not thinking. At least she’s honest. I dig it. It’s not a bad plan - you pretend to be something you’re not just until he likes you enough that he probably won’t dump you when he finds out your passion in life is eating Taco Bell, sleeping and watching reality TV. Just sayin’.

They climb down into the crater and then drop about six terrifying feet into the water. They make out while treading water, a surefire way to accidentally snot on your mate.

They take a chairlift ride up a hill where they enjoy dinner sitting as far away from each other as possible. They talk about her past relationship where she said they were together for one and a half years and she left because “he wasn’t going to marry me.” Why she readily admits this, is beyond me. She should say, “He didn’t want to get married to anyone – he just wasn’t the marrying type”. If you’re learned anything from my post today, people, its that lying and deception is the best way to land a husband.

He asks about her Accountant job and if it’s a 9-5 thing. Uh, yes, Ben, it is. Most people work regular jobs. He comments that his wacky winemaker lifestyle is crazy and every day is different and he never knows what he’s going to be doing. Could she handle such insanity? This is confusing to me. If I were her, I would say, “Sooo, if we get engaged and I move to San Francisco, why the fuck can’t I be an accountant anymore? I have to be a winemaker groupie and follow your shit around all day? Look, I love numbers and spreadsheets and accounting shit all day, and I will not give that up for you.” But nope, she says, “Sure Ben! Whatever you want.” As much as I hate her for not sticking up for her ever-so-riveting Accounting career, I like that she’s adhering to the Jen F method of pretending you’re something you’re not until you land a man.

Next, they head to a Clay Walker concert. She says, “He was throwing a concert for Ben and I.” Umm, not sure about that. There are other people there but if you want to believe it was ONLY for you, great. They walk through the crowd and stand in front, and they might even be on a pedestal. I could write an entire post about the bitches in the audience. I bet $100 that this was a Bachelor-produced concert and they put an ad in the local Park City newspaper, asking for extras. Of course, 200 chicks like me show up – who have zero interest in Clay Walker but would do anything for a Bachelor stalking opportunity. I know this because every chick in the audience is gawking at Ben and Jennifer. Except for two actual Clay Walker fans in the back that scream “Yo! Down in Front!” I made that part up.

 Seriously, look at these chicks. The one in glassses? Amazing.

Oh and yes, he gives her the rose. I like this chick actually, but I don’t see it happening.

Cocktail Party

The cocktail party was advertised as a huge dramatic fight between Emily and Courtney. That didn’t really happen…but it was still relatively entertaining. Emily pulls Ben aside and tells him that Courtney sucks because she acts differently around him than around the girls. Classic stupid Bachelor move. Don’t bash the other chicks – just makes you look like an asshole. And uh, Emily, if you haven’t been paying attention, the dude is obsessed with Bird Mouth, so I don’t think you’ll change his mind. As predicted, Ben dismisses her and tells her that talking shit about other girls will be her demise. Or if you keep rapping. One of the two.

Emily knows she made a mistake by talking to Ben about Courtney, so she makes another one. She ADMITS it to Casey, Courtney’s best friend in the house. Wow, stupid move. Casey defends Courtney and then runs to her to tell her everything. Courtney is mad, I THINK, but she’s not moving her mouth or face, so I can’t be sure. Oh wait, yes I can…she says, “I’m a nice person. I want to rip her head off and verbally assault her.” Last time I checked, ripping her head off would be more of a physical assault, no?

Emily and Courtney don’t really fight – here’s what their confrontation sounds like:

E: What are you laughing at?
C: You.
E: I feel like we are in fifth grade.
C: I wouldn’t know. I failed fifth grade and just started modeling instead. Check out my modeling walk!
E: I hate you but secretly am jealous of your hot bird mouth.
C: You’re using too many big words. Courtney don’t understand.
E: I want to look like you and I hate my raps.
C: Winning!

Emily bonds with Monica, who I oddly love now. She was crazy in the first episode but then became nice and normal. She talks to Emily about the Courtney issue and says, “This is where I’ll be Mama Bear. Fuck her.”

Love her. That’s the type of Mama Bear I will be.

Rose Ceremony

Rachel, Jennifer and Courtney already have roses. He gives the remaining eight roses to:

Lindzi – horse girl
Jamie – Mute Nurse
Nicki – Divorcee who is terrified about her strong feelings for Ben
Kacie B – Cute and sweet, but has Jonathan Lipnicki maturity level (back when he was in Jerry Maguire. My dumbest reference ever. I’ll stop)
Elyse – Manly personal trainer. Zero connection to Ben. Still think she’ll be gone next week. Still likes getting pooped on during sex. Still making that up.
Blakeley – Cougar Hooters waitress, no chance of long-term love with Ben
Casey S – Cute and sweet but the zero role she is playing this season does not bode well for her future on the show
Emily – PhD Student in germs. Raps about it. Hates Bird Mouth.

Therefore, poor Monica is sent home this week. She’s really nice to him when she leaves, but breaks down in the car. She just wants marriage and kids, people.

Back at the house, Ben tells the girls they’re going to Puerto Rico. Everyone cheers except for Bird Mouth who says, “I was just there two weeks ago”. They toast and she says, “Weee! I can reach my glass higher than anyone!” Wow, really? She tacks on, “And look, I can see in panoramic vision cause my eyes are almost on the sides of my head!”

Previews for next week prove intriguing – Ben goes skinny-dipping with Courtney. Oh man, Kacie B.’s head is going to explode. And what a slut Courtney is – after they jump in the water naked, we see them making out. And they’re naked. Don’t tell me there wasn’t actual penetration. Her parents must be so proud. They’re having sex and they’re on TV – that qualifies as porn. Nice going. On that note, I’m super excited to watch. I always liked low quality porn.

**Be sure to sign up for RSS feed or email updates - on the right side of the page ------>

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Bachelor Recap

Where are we now, Ben? Uh Chinatown, idiot.

We still have sixteen ladies left which means… me tired. Sixteen? Will this even be over by summer? Lord help us all.

The girls are headed to San Francisco this week for their dates, which is cool for Ben because he lives there and he gets to show the girls his home. Or as Kacie B. puts it, “Ben living here is special because we’re going to get to see him where he lives.” Her words, not mine, people. Sometimes the job of smart-ass writer is to just directly quote things. It’s that easy.

Ben’s sister Julia is back and I’m happy to see she’s still Pissy McGraw. I mean, this chick has some anger issues. Doesn’t she just look pissy? I kind of dig it. She and Ben meet for coffee, to discuss the chicks, none of which Julia will ever find acceptable because she’s pissy and judgmental. Kind of like me. Anyway, Ben says, “The girls are amazing!” and Julia responds, “Really?!” She doesn’t say it in a nice sweet way…she says it in a way that feels more like, “You’re fucking joking, right?” Again, I dig her.

I like Ben. For now. But the fascination with Courtney is pissing me off. He says to Julia, “There’s Courtney. She’s a model and I think you two would totally hit it off.” Julia again says, “Really?! Why?!” And I want to say, yes Ben, why? Why would your pissy sister be friends with a socially inept, kind-of-stupid, totally bitchy model? I think Julia would get along better with…oh, Kacie B maybe. Or horse girl. Anyway. As they’re wrapping up their conversation, Julia cements my love of her forever by saying, “Well, this will be a really funny story to tell later on down the road.” She doesn’t say, “I hope you find love” or “I bet this all works out” or “I love you, Ben”. It’s, “This is a huge joke and I love that I get to witness it first hand.” Love this chick.

Chris Harrison greets the girls in their hotel room and tells them that there are three dates this week: a group date and two one-on-one dates. Just to stir some shit, Chris adds, “Not everyone will get a date, so when you get alone time with Ben, be sure to take advantage of it”. Really, Chris? Like we needed any more anxiety and competition between these ladies? Which is exactly why I love him. If I were the host (umm, BEST job for me ever), I would say something like, “Ben might be your future husband, you guys. Don’t lose him because you lost your chance to show him how fun and hilarious you are. Never stand down! Every moment you’re with him should be a constant show to prove how fun and perfect you are! You are always on! Now go get your man!!”

Emily Date

I’ve yet to understand why the city of San Francisco allowed two Bachelor contestants to climb the Bay Bridge…with a gaggle of city workers in tow. Seems like an unwise use of resources, no? Anyway, Emily, the 27 year-old rapping PhD student in Germology or something, seems relatively normal. I like her a lot and I think they could be a good match. I’m not sure how hot their sex life would be since she would constantly be wiping and sanitizing… things. And I’m not sure I can forgive the rapping. To be determined.

Anyway, of course she’s afraid of heights but as they climb the Bay Bridge she SOMEHOW manages to overcome her fears and climbs to the top. I would’ve loved it if she quit and said, “You know what? Fuck that. That shit is scary and I could slip and I’ve sunk $200K into my education. I’m not throwing it away for some shit ABC stunt. Emily Out.”

But no, she goes through with it and of course, everyone makes the feat a metaphor for love and relationships. Ben says, “Relationships are all about trust and diving into the unknown.” Umm, no they’re not. Trust maybe a little, but not about diving into the unknown. Sometimes relationships are also about getting Thai takeout and farting on the couch together while watching the Bachelor. Just sayin’.

Emily freaks out halfway up the bridge and Ben decides the only way to help her is to kiss her. Meanwhile the Cal Trans workers are screaming at them, “Will you cut that shit out? We have another damn Bay Bridge to build, can we hurry this up? Fuck!”

More metaphors: “It’s like a relationship. You’re scared of the damage that heartbreak causes (or the damage of…dying when you fall off a bridge?) but you keep moving forward or you won’t experience all the great things” (the ecstasy of getting to the top of the Bay Bridge?) Here’s my favorite though: “A bridge takes two things that are separate and brings them together.” Now THAT, my friends, is poetry. Think about it.

As I’m screaming at my TV about how reDONKulous this is, my husband looks at me and says, “I would climb to the top of that for you.” To which I respond, “That’s so stupid, why would you ever have to do that?”

They end the date with dinner on a pier and I notice Ben is wearing lip-gloss. Weird. They talk about their dating past, which includes the tidbit that an online dating site once set her up with her brother. She didn’t elaborate, so I’m not sure if they hit it off or consummated the relationship or not.

Ben gives her the rose, saying that she’s smarter than he is, and they make out a little. She is smitten and says, “I can’t imagine anything that can top this night.” Really? Not much of an imagination.

Side note: Do you think the fireworks would have gone off if Ben didn’t give her the rose? He tells her goodbye, she leaves, and Ben sits alone on the pier and watches the fireworks alone? Maybe hugging himself? Or a bottle of his wine?

Group Date

The group date is with Blakeley, Jaclyn, Kacie B, Erika, Casey, Samantha, Jamie, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, and Elyse. The date card says, “Lets cross something off our leap lists.” Oh man, is this like the boots-with-shorts trend? Am I too old to know what the hell a leap list is? Is that the same as a bucket list? Oh God, maybe only old people, like the guy on Tuesdays with Morrie, uses the term Bucket List.

Aaand I'm going to the gym today...

Anyway, hands-down this is the most gratuitous scene in the franchise history. I get that it’s warm out, but couldn’t they just ski in shorts (with ski boots on, this would be adhering to the boots with shorts trend, no?) But noooo, they wear bikinis. I’m so embarrassed for them. No I’m not. I’m jealous – check out their bodies. Holy crap I need to get to a gym stat.

So they are skiing down a hill of snow, in San Francisco. It’s actually kind of cool and it’s fun to watch the chicks suck (ahem, Kacie B).

Afterwards they head to the Tonga Room, a fun but weird restaurant in San Francisco for their little after-party. He makes out with Rachel for a bit and then walks outside with Kacie B. She starts in on her 23-year-old “I’m so young and insecure” scene and I really hope she keeps it together. You have to know what you’re signing up for on this show, honey, so suck it up. Keep it together, please. He says he can’t really console her and sticks his tongue in her mouth to shut her up and that seems to work. I like Ben’s limited tolerance of the girls’ bullshit.

In a very, very strange sequence, Brittney gets the next one-on-one date card and says she’s torn and confused. Then she says her heart isn’t into it and these circumstances are just not for her, so she’s going to leave. So she finds Ben on the group date and tells him that she’s leaving. Then she leaves. That’s it…if all this was real, I’d be saying it’s about time that one of these chicks has the balls to leave if they’re not into the Bachelor. But it all feels so weird, I have no idea if it was staged or not. I wouldn’t be surprised that the smarmy producers would orchestrate this, but…why? It’s not interesting or dramatic, so it’s just a little random. You know what else is random? Brittney’s head and face seems un-proportionally large against her tiny legs.

The group date ends with Ben giving the rose to Rachel and her nose rings.

Lindzi Date

Lindzi wins Brittney’s sloppy seconds and gets the substitute spot for the last one-on-one date for the week with Ben. They head out and I notice Lindzi is walking funny. Too much horse riding perhaps. Or….forget it. I’ll keep it clean (Speaking of clean…Lindzi could use a shower?)

They tour the city on a cable car, that’s not on an actual cable, so Lindzi calls it a trolley. It turns down a street and Lindzi says, “Now where are we?” And Ben says, “Uh, Chinatown”. For the record, if you were in Chinatown and looked out a window, you’d have NO DOUBT that you were in Chinatown. Just sayin’.

They head to City Hall where gasp! It’s locked and Ben has the only key! So who let the band in then? So yeah, they dance to a private concert by Matt Nathanson. For the record, I never want to be the ONLY couple dancing in any venue…let alone to a live band in City Hall. Embarrassing. I think they start kissing but I’m under my couch at this point, so I can’t be sure.

Next, they head to a speakeasy, and eat dinner in a private room behind a wall. Cool. I like it. She tells the story of how she was in love for eighteen months and was dumped via text message: “Welcome to dumpsville. Population you.” I’m torn about this. Clearly, this guy wasn’t in love with her. Clearly I need to meet him and buy him a beer. Is he crazy? Or awesome? I’m on the fence. Yes, I know, it seems a little dick-ish to do what he did, but admit it – a small part of you thinks it’s funny, no? I like picturing his face as he typed the text…he probably thought it was hilarious. Anyway, she tells Ben and he has to turn his head to keep from laughing in her face, and says, “Yeah…that’s…terrible.” Still loving Ben a little, people.

She gives Ben the whole song-and-dance about how confident and content she is, and doesn’t “need” a man in her life to complete her. (A note to the guys – this is something all chicks say when you first start dating us. We want you to think we’re super confident, but we’re all love-starved. She went on the Bachelor, for fucks’ sake.)

They hit a piano store. Didn’t he do this with Kacie B. last week? I guess he’s trying to showcase his piano talent, which admittedly, is a valid seduction tactic. Way better than singing or playing your guitar. It works and Lindzi claims he’s sweeping her off her blown-out horse-riding legs.


This whole thing was annoying, right? Shawntel, the Embalmer from Brad’s season, decides she wants to come and try to date Ben. The history is foggy, though. How does she know him? She says they’ve talked in the past and she thinks he’ll be happy to see her, and then she snickers. She says he’s everything she wants in a guy and her feelings for him are very strong. What? So here’s what I think happened…after Ashley’s season, these two met at some Bachelor mixer and had drunk sex in a bathroom. He then blew her off to become the next Bachelor. Somehow she thinks that means he is interested in her, I guess. More on her in a minute…

Cocktail Party

Ben and Jennifer sit down and she goes crazy. She tells him that she likes him and she’s not going to be shy about it. And uh, she’s not. She says nothing to him except blabbing on and on about how cute he is and how much she likes him. I’m about to head under my couch again. Girlfriend, STOP. He adds fuel to her crazy fire by actually TELLING her that she’s the best kisser in the house. Then they kiss. Then Jennifer tells the Bachelor camera that she’s falling in love with him. She’s never been alone with him for more than three minutes at a time, but she’s falling in love with him. I predict now there is NO WAY she will win this thing and her departure will become a new level of Bananas. She will LOSE IT.

There’s another weird exchange at the cocktail party between Elyse, Courtney and Lindzi, where Courtney ends up going off on Lindzi and then storms off. Emily says Courtney is weird and has a social disorder. I’m beginning to forgive the rapping – this chick is funny. But she needs bangs.

Courtney goes off to talk to the Bachelor camera where she says that Nicki looks like an idiot, and Blakeley is the type of girl who your boyfriend cheats on you with. I’m beginning to think this girl needs a guest writing spot on my blog.

Side note: Monica walks in after the scuffle with Lindzi and says, “So what just happened with the model?” She was nasty the first week but now I’m beginning to dig Monica.

OK Ben takes Elyse outside, who by the way, is certainly my least favorite now. What a nasty chick. Wow. They’re talking, and Shawntel walks up to Ben. Ben says, “Hoooooly shit.” Elyse leaves and is NOT happy about it. She looks like a man and I fear she is going to tackle Shawntel. Anyway, Embalmer tells Ben that she wants to compete for his love too. She says, “You know I want more.” So now I think my guess about them having sex in a bathroom is legit. Why else would he be so shocked to see her? And so torn about the decision to keep her? If she were just some chick he talked to a couple times, how would he know that “she wanted more”? God I should be a Bachelor detective, I swear.

He leaves the party to digest everything and sends Shawntel into the living room. It might as well have been a tank of sharks and Shawntel was the chum. They are not nice girls and they just start hammering her. I’m surprised they don’t all collectively jump her, a la Jerry Springer. Elyse is the most pissed (probably because of all her testosterone). She yells, “You don’t even KNOW Ben!” To which I’m praying that Shawntel yells back, “Bitch, you just MET him. I’ve humped him before!” But she doesn’t. Sigh.

Jaclyn, extra pissy tonight, says, “We don’t reuse Brad’s dumpster trash. I feel like I’m better than Shawntel and Ben’s not going to accept Brad’s leftovers.” I mean, Wow. This is not a nice person, holy cow. She is bitter. I grab my phone and send her a text message: “Welcome to Whoreville. Population, you.”

Rose Ceremony

Emily, Rachel and Lindzi have roses from their dates and Ben has 11 more to hand out, which means two are going home. Don’t forget Shawntel is in the mix now. The roses go to:

• Courtney – The 28 year-old bitchy, dumb model from LA who thinks smart girls are boring. She sucks big time.
• Kacie B. – The 23-year-old (god that’s young) Administrative Assistant from Tennessee. The baton twirler. But I like her.
• Elyse – The 24-year-old Personal Trainer from Chicago. I’m mad at Ben for this one. She’s the overly masculine, overly bitchy, crazy insecure and downright nasty one. Who still likes being pooped on during sex. Still only a hunch, but I’m sticking to it.
• Jamie – The 25-year-old, quiet nurse girl, from New York. Very little role this week. Not looking good for her.
• Jennifer – The 28-year-old Accountant from Oklahoma with active tongue in Ben’s mouth. Her future downfall will be the season’s best moment. Trust me.
• Casey – The 26-year-old Trading Clerk from Kansas. Still very little airtime, but she seems normal and cute. Gasp!
• Blakeley – The 34-year-old VIP Cocktail Waitress from North Carolina. The one who makes us oldies look bad.
• Monica – The 33-year-old phone operator for 1-800-Dentist (I have no proof of this). She was nasty and lesbian in the first episode, but now she’s funny. Will never in a million years win this show.
• Nicki – The 26-year-old divorcee Hygienist from Texas. Cute, but nothing special yet. I think she’ll become a frontrunner at some point.
• Samantha – The 26-year-old Ad Account Manager from LA. She’s bitchy and I’m not a fan. Neither is Ben. I give her 1-2 more weeks, tops.

After those ten, he still has one rose left to give out, and it comes down to Shawntel, Erika and Jaclyn. Before he gets a chance to say anything, Erika passes out. Well yeah, duh. These chicks get wasted, don’t eat anything and forget to drink water. Duh. It’s not a friggin emergency, people. She needs water. Chill out.

OK, back to it. Everyone is standing up and fine, except for Jaclyn who is already crying since she’d have to be stupid not to realize she ain’t getting a rose. So Ben tells the girls that he can’t give the last rose to anyone, sending all three chicks home (Shawntel, Erika and Jaclyn). High friggin five, Ben. I support this decision, Benny – nice job. Jaclyn leaves in hysterics, never to be seen from again. Erika is fine, but the producers show the same passing-out footage from before, making us think she passed out AGAIN. She didn’t and I’m onto you, Mike Fleiss (Smarmy, smarmy Producer).

So that’s that. Next week the kids are off to Park City, Utah. See ya then!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Bachelor Recap

“I had no idea things had gotten this bad, this early.” Really, Ben? I knew.

This week all the chicks head up to Sonoma to play with Benny in his vineyard. Kacie B gets the first date card and claims that she’s “the luckiest girl alive.” Really? Over a date with a guy you’ve met ONE time before? That’s grand thinking. Or crazy. One of the two.

Blakeley's boob

Kacie and Ben Date

In perhaps one of the lamest dates in Bachelor history, these two head to a bar to play piano, shop in a toy store and then walk around the quaint town of Sonoma which has apparently had a bomb scare since NOBODY is there. Things get interesting when Kacie buys a baton and confesses to Ben she used to twirl baton when she was little. I’m embarrassed for her…that is, until the girl starts to twirl and I must say she’s not f**king around. She’s damn good. Granted, it’s a skill that will get her nowhere in life but at least she’s not lying. The girl can twirl. Ben pretends to look interested, which is highly amusing.

They eat at a restaurant called “the girl and the fig” which is interesting to me since I ate dinner there once with ten chicks for a Bachelorette party. The drunk bachelorette reminded me last night it was a small, cramped restaurant with horrible service but they probably made it look cute for the show. Correct, they did. She also admitted to stealing a cup that was used to hold pens on the hostess stand, and that another friend peed in the bush outside. I was reminded how much I love my friends.

I’m digging Kacie...I think. She seems nice and what I like best is that she’s not a selfish whore (Hi Courtney), but she’s asking him questions about HIS life. She’s interested in him, which is refreshing. Most of these chicks only like to talk about themselves. However, the deal breakers might be 1) that she is 23. I was incapable of marriage at 23. I was pounding cases of Miller Genuine Draft at 23. Marriage would not have been wise. And 2) Her laugh is absolutely mind-bending. Horrendous. I would scratch my ears out after two years of listening to that. It’s not easy to hear. So that sucks.

After dinner, they head to a movie theatre and watch old home movies of the two of them as kids. Strange, strange date idea, but it’s sweet when Ben cries about his Dad and you won’t be shocked to learn I cried too. For being rather mean, a little cold, quite sarcastic and emotionally stunted in some ways, I cry A LOT at this terrible show.

Anyway, Ben gives Kacie the rose and says to the camera, “The date couldn’t be going any better. Kacie’s great.” Although Ben is SO wasted in this interview that it sounds more like this, “Kathies grrrreat! Thhheee is soooo fun. Date going thuper well.”

Kacie and her 23-year-old mind says, “I think I’ve found what could be a lifetime of love with Ben”. I said that too, at age 23. About a guy who was 12 years older than me who played in a band and cheated on me weekly. Who I, of course, kept taking back. Who was one of the worst boyfriends I ever had. I digress. My POINT is that you don’t know sh*t about a lifetime of love at age 23. Maybe some chicks are more mature than me. Yes, this is possible. So I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt at this point. Especially when you compare her to the gaggle of idiots back at the house, Kacie is quite a catch.

Group Date

Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki, and Jaclyn are the chosen ladies for the group date. By far, BY FAR, one of the worst group dates ever. For me, I mean. I would not be pleased if kids were involved, first of all. I also would not be pleased if I had to act like a weasel in front of them to audition. Not OK.

Anyway, the girls are forced to stand before these kids, one at a time, and do whatever the hell they asked, under the guise of auditioning for their play. I’m actually amused at the chick that does the robot and the kids begin to grow on me when they ask Blakeley to run in slow motion. When you see what she wore, this is a lot funnier. She’s wearing a skimpy, VERY low cut romper. Her boobs are straight up pornographic. She looks like a very cheap whore and I’m mind boggled at chicks like this. Yeah, lady, guys will want to bang you when you look like this. They will not, however, want you having their babies and bringing those babies to the local Gymboree class. I can’t describe it, but Blakeley just doesn’t scream “classy, loving life-mate”.

Somewhere during this train wreck, Jenna says, “It’s important for Ben to see me in a different light today.” There’s the understatement of the year. It’s interesting to see how Jenna fails SO miserably at this. Stay tuned.

They head to the local community theatre, which seems so quaint and down-home. Ben is excited to see how the girls fit into Sonoma. (Kacie fits. Blakeley – the VIP cocktail waitress? Not so much)

I don’t follow the stupid play and I hope these people didn’t pay for admission to it. But they seem to have a jolly old time. They head to the Fairmont Mission Inn and Spa for an after-party. It’s fun to watch the girls sh*ttalk about Blakeley. They say things like, “She comes off as aggressive and bold” or “she’s so desperate” or my favorite, “She’s a slut. She’s very horsey”.

Ben takes Blakeley aside and says that it seems everyone likes her. Is Ben on the same show as the one we’re watching? The bitches HATE her. Anyway, Blakeley says to the camera “Being a Scorpio, we’re great lovers.” Ummm, untrue. Statistically impossible that ALL Scorpios are great lovers. Dumbass. And by the way, when you call yourself a great lover, it’s like calling yourself a whore. If you really are a great lover, you don’t say it. Also, I hate the term lover.

Ben gives the rose to Blakeley and I’m beginning to hate him. Come ON Ben. Don’t fall for the slutty one, please. Be smarter than that. Geesh. When he gives it to her he says, “This person is getting the rose because they made the most of her time with me today.” So yeeeeah, that’s code for humping. She completely humped him in the pool. Duh. She IS a Scorpio after all.

Courtney Date

Showing yet more lack of judgment, Ben asks Courtney on the second one-on-one date. You’re killing me Ben.

He picks her up and my first thought is…did I miss the boots with shorts trend? Granted, I’m a 36-year-old Mom, so my hip fashion days are behind me, but I like to think I’m still relatively stylish, but I completely missed this one. So I run into my closet and grab some JCrew shorts and high-heeled black leather boots. (I know, I know, it’s more of a cowboy boot with sassy tight shorts type-of-thing, but hey, I was limited at 11pm on a Monday night). I walk into my husband’s office to gather his reaction. He is more than confused at my wardrobe choice at this late hour and says, “Holy Christ, what the shit is that outfit?” Point taken. I slide back into my men’s pajama pants and University of Oregon t-shirt and frump it out on the sofa. Much better.

Ben wants to get in Courtney’s pants, plain and simple. They kiss and he keeps saying how beautiful and smart she is. He must be drunk again. He takes care of his dog and Courtney comments on how that means he’ll be a good dad. Terrible comparison. Sure, you have to keep both a baby and a dog alive, but last time I checked, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to leave your baby at home for hours at a time alone and I don’t think you have to pay for a dog’s college education. But sure, Ben will make a GREAT dad since he covered his mutt with a blanket. Great point, Courtney. You as$hole.

Next, they walk down a row of vineyards, lined with candles, which seems like a very unwise move in a high-risk fire season. They eat dinner in the vineyard and chat about their life when Courtney says she hasn’t found love yet because she’s picky. Then she throws out the fact that everyone cheats on her. Sooo, maybe you’re not picky enough? Just a thought.

They make out a lot and I’m sure there was some heavy petting involved too, since Ben would probably sign over his vineyard at this point to see this bitch naked. He gives her the rose and I’m disappointed in Benny. Sigh.

Cocktail party

Some highlights from this very amusing cocktail party:
  • Lindzi is coming across as desperate since she didn’t get a date with Ben this week. I THINK she’s trying to tell Ben how normal and down-to-earth she is, but she’s overdoing it a bit. Here’s what she sounds like: “I drive a truck! I don’t wear make up! I roll in the dirt! I’m so real, and down to earth! I love tractors! I want to be a dirty androgynous horse-riding tomboy. Isn’t that super fun and cool of me?”

  • Blakeley is super annoying. She already has a rose and she’s crapping all over everyone’s alone time with Ben by interrupting him a lot. Chill Blakester. Easy. Girls are PISSED. Somewhere along the way, she realizes everyone hates her and cries in a corner of a bedroom. A very Jenna-like move. Ben comes up and talks to her and I like that he’s not pandering to her female bulls*it here. He just says, “I don’t understand. We went from having a nice chat to this.” So I enjoy this – it proves he’s not into the emotional lame chick act, so this might be some points against Blakeley.

  • Jenna. Oh Jenna. I assume that when Jenna watched this show last night, she probably drove herself into the Hudson River. She must be horrified. She is insanely jacked up in the head. I gave her the benefit of the doubt last week saying she’s probably just emotional and has no self-esteem and the editing makes her look crazy. But yeah, this week, I’ll have to admit that she is truly crazy as a two-dollar bill. The alcohol isn’t helping her. She tries to explain to Ben…something, but tells him that she feels like a guy and isn’t a good girl. I’m confused. Then to the camera, she keeps saying how “it’s a constant battle in my head” and she’s “panicking”, etc. I think a couple valiums would do wonders for her. After the conversation with Ben, of course, she heads upstairs to cry in bed. She is crazy pants. Straight up bananas. Ben finds her and drags her ass out of bed. Does she not get how bad this looks? I swear I’m going to start a seminar for possible Bachelor contestants on how to act NOT CRAZY on this show.

  • Side note: Although her comments are kind of funny, I’ve decided Samantha is a nasty bitch, and rather unattractive too.

Rose Ceremony

Kacie, Courtney and Blakeley already have roses. He has thirteen more roses to give out, which means only two chicks go home this week. Come on, that is moving way too slow. After two weeks, we still have 16 girls? Shoot me now.

The thirteen roses go to:

Jennifer – The redheaded Accountant who I really liked at first, but this week she loses it after realizing she’s not the only woman kissing Ben. So yeeeeah. DUH.
Emily – The chick that studies germs and raps about it. Not a lot of airtime this week which usually means she’s normal, and therefore boring.
Elyse – Overly manly Personal Trainer who likes to be pooped on during sex. I totally made that up. But it seems valid, no?
Jaclyn – Big nose and it’s only getting bigger.
Erika – Law student who keeps commenting how intimidated she is by Courtney. Idiot.
Rachel – If her teeth were straighter, she’d be a frontrunner.
Lindzi – I still hate how she spells her name. Horse girl, likes to be ugly and covered in dirt.
Nicki – Divorcee, still seems normal and cute.
Casey – Seriously not a clue who this is. She might be mute?
Samantha – Nasty chick. Not cute. And nasty.
Monica – The chick who was almost a lesbian last week but seems normal this week. I’m confused.
Jamie – The overly made-up nurse. Not a lot to show with her this week.
Brittney – The grandma toter from last week. Very little of her this week, but she seems un-crazy at this point, so I’ll give her a fighting chance.

The two who get the boot are Shawn and Jenna. I liked Shawn a lot, so clearly Ben and I have differing opinions on this matter. Jenna is certifiable and is absolutely losing her MIND after she gets the boot. She keeps saying she’s in shock, she can’t believe this is happening and that she’s so mortified. Um, girlfriend, you’re going to be a lot more mortified when you see your wack-job-ness on camera.

Next week, the gang is off to San Francisco. On a related note, since I live in the area, a friend of mine has found Ben’s apartment and we plan on a drunken stalking escapade. I certainly plan on bringing my camera and look forward to sharing the results with you.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The Bachelor Recap – Does nobody have a stylist?

By far…By FAR the best part of the night was the bitch who walked straight past Ben into the house. Are you with me? Awwwwesome.

Wow, I could write for years on last night’s show. From Ben’s middle parted hair, to the bitchy lesbian, to the insane (Jenna, I’m talking to you), there is more smut fodder here than one writer can handle. But let’s give it a shot. I hope you have a few minutes. Let’s get started.

We start with a Ben recap and his horribly awkward, unromantic proposal to Ashley…deadpan: “Will you marry me? Pause pause pause pause…and uh, make me the happiest man alive?” No, Ben. Ashley will not. But she did apparently open your heart after your dead father slammed it shut and for that you will be eternally grateful. So Ben learned a lot from the Bachelorette…but not enough to just go live life. He had to dive back in to this train wreck franchise.

Since the show, Ben has spent time living in San Francisco, working at his winery (is it his?) and sailing in orange wifebeaters on the bay (Guaranteed that boat was rented for the montage). His sweaty abs have been very busy and fulfilled lately, but he’s still missing that special someone. So he plays the piano and kayaks to ease his loneliness. That’s what I do too. No I don’t.

Let’s talk about the middle hair part. It’s bad, Benny. Contrary to Courtney, the empty-headed model who does not do hair for a living, yet keeps claiming you have great hair. You don’t. It’s greasy and parted in the middle. Not ok.

An overview of some chicks

Lindzi, 27, Seattle: She looks like Christine Taylor and works in Sales but claims horseback riding is her passion. Her parents must have wanted her to be a stripper by spelling her name that way. She was recently dumped by a guy via this text message: “Babe, welcome to dumpsville…population, YOU.” My two cents on this: Yes, the guy is an a$$hole, but nobody dumps anyone that way who didn’t deserve it. My gut is that she is crazy pants, but keeping it in check for now. Trust me on this one. In two weeks the cameras will catch her making out with one of her horses or something.

Amber, 29, Nebraska: She’s a nurse who is good with a shotgun and likes to eat balls. Cow balls, but I’m going out on a limb here and saying she’s not all that particular with the types of balls she eats. An equal opportunity ball muncher, in other words.

Kacie, 23, Administrative Assistant, Tennessee: Nice gal, one of my frontrunners, but lying about her age. She is no more than 15.

Courtney, 28, Santa Monica: She’s the stereotypical, LA model. Super hot, super bitchy and super dumb. She says she knows chicks will be intimidated by her. I hate this chick, mostly because Ben will be totally into her. She’ll be confident and cool, and hot, so he’ll think he scored. Until he tries to spend more than six minutes in conversation with her. She’ll be around awhile until he figures that out though, since he’s probably super excited to rub her boobs.

Jamie, 25, New York: She’s a nurse who wears waaaaaaaaaay too much makeup. I’m a little confused on her back-story – she didn’t have a dad, and her mom had some issue that caused her not to like her kids. So she raised her siblings. So THAT sucks. She seems totally cute, totally normal and I want her to win. She won’t, but I have a heart, people. She deserves a happy ending (not THAT type of happy ending, but that could work too).

Lyndsie, 29, Scottsdale: Hey parents, I have a suggestion for you: Lindsey. Not Lindzeeee, not Lyndsie, and not Lindzi, Definitely not Lyendsezieeex. Just Lindsey. Anyway, she’s from London originally but has a completely jacked up accent thanks to too much worldwide travel. She is also undoubtedly on speed. I can’t keep up with her. Shut up, chick.

Jenna, 27, New York: She is a blogger and wants desperately to be Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. The only problem is that Carrie Bradshaw is hot, fashionable and relatively normal. Jenna…is not. She is one looney chick. I almost feel bad for her. She wants so badly to be cool, fun, normal and chill, and is wound up SO tight, she has lost all touch with reality. Her bio starts off with her calmly drinking coffee and blogging…then she starts spouting off crap like, “It becomes a feeling of panic for me. It’s a constant battle in my head.” I don’t even know what she’s talking about. But I do know this: This crazy bitch will make this entire season. Go Jenna Go!

Shawn, 28, Phoenix: She’s a very serious finance chick who says things like “The market closed flat.” I am impressed. She has a son named Gavin and she wants someone to complete their family. I dig this chick – in spite of the intense hair coloring, she’s my favorite.

Nicki, 26, Texas: She’s a hygienist. She fell madly in love at 18 and married at 21. But she claims the relationship then changed and it wasn’t that passionate love anymore, so they got divorced. Ummm, honey? If everyone got divorced when the passion died, NOBODY would be married. I am happily married, and truly, deeply in love with my husband…but I just took a dump in front of him. The passion is…uh…yeah, pretty much gone. Anyhoo, I hope she’s grown up a bit and I have high hopes for her too.

The limos are here!

Before Ben meets his chicks, he tells Chris that he’s anxious but ready to get started. He doesn’t regret proposing to Ashley, he’s available now and his Dad was reincarnated as a hummingbird or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t listening – let’s meet the ladies!

Rachel, 27, New York, Fashion Sales Rep: She is nice and normal-ish, but her teeth are jacked up. He’s unimpressed.

Erika, 23, Chicago, Law Student: She’s a little hot, but then tells Ben, “The verdict is in, you’re guilty of being sexy.” I have never hated anyone more. What tiny part of her little law student mind, told her that would be funny?

Amber, 23, Canada, Nurse: She gives Canadians a bad name. She is also on speed and makes Ben kiss her hand to see if she tastes like bacon since that’s her last name. I am exhausted after her ten second introduction and I plan on becoming an American citizen ASAP (Little known Jen fact – I’m Canadian. I try to hide it when bitches like this are prancing around America).

Elyse, 24, Chicago, Personal Trainer: She is too manly for my tastes and I have a hunch she would be overly aggressive and dominant in bed. She’d also probably want you to poop on her or something. I get a weird kinky thing from her too. Yuckers.

Jenna, 27, New York, Blogger: Here she is again, my poor Jenna. She introduces herself with long, horrible, pauses. I can’t watch it, and my husband keeps moaning over and over, “this is painful, this is painful.” She walks inside and immediately starts to yell at herself for her crappy introduction. She’s like my three-year old son when he drops an ice cream cone. I immediately panic at what’s about to ensue: “Calm down, it’s ok, it’s no big deal, it’s ok, it’ll be all right, etc”. She must need talking-down multiple times a day. Good lord.

Courtney, 28, Santa Monica, Model: As expected, she’s confident and cool. The anti-Jenna. The irony is that Jenna would probably make a better wife (yes, I just said that), but these hot, normal bitches always have the edge. Go figure.

Emily, 27, North Carolina, PhD student in Epidemiology: She purells him, sprays crap I his mouth and gives him a kiss. She’s obviously smart, almost normal, but something is off with her. I can’t put my finger on it but my Bachelor-intuition is giving me a warning signal. Stay tuned.

Samantha, 26, Los Angeles, Ad Account Manager: She tells Ben she’s more than just a pageant girl. Hey, dumbass: If you want to be looked at as more than just a pageant girl, don’t wear your goddamn sash to the party. Sigh…I wish I were standing behind Ben yelling all these comments at these chicks. How fun would THAT be?

Casey, 26, Kansas, Trading Clerk: I don’t know what a trading clerk is but I hope it allows her to make enough money to buy a new dress.

Amber, 29, Nebraska, Nurse: The ball muncher…Nuff’ said.

Holly, 34, Kentucky, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep: I hate that the oldies are so dumb. I wish the 30-somethings made my generation look not so ridiculous. She looks like an overly made-up cougar…with impressive boobs. And hat? Lord help me.

Jamie, 25, New York, Nurse: The chick with the sad story who wears too much makeup. Again, she’s wearing waaaaay too much. She’s got nothing witty to say, which, in this setting, is a good thing.

Shira, no age listed, Los Angeles, Actress: Of course, the LA actress doesn’t list her age. I hate her. But I also feel bad for her when she has to duck behind the bush to purge her latest meal. Having a sign that said “Hey I have an eating-disorder!” would be less obvious.

Blakeley, 34, North Carolina, VIP Cocktail Waitress: So much for the 30-somethings being well represented. This claims she’s a VIP cocktail waitress but from the looks of that jaw line, it must be at a transvestite bar (Holy crap that was mean.)

Brittney, 26, Medical Sales Rep, Denver: She seems normal and hot…too bad she brings her friggin Grandmother with her. I get that family is important to you, Britt, and that you want to convey that to Ben, but that’s just plain dumb. And clearly orchestrated by the producers.

Nicki, 26, Texas, Hygienist: Calls Ben precious. Hey, Nicki, I have high hopes for you. Don’t f**k it up with that kind of talk.

Dianna, 30, San Gabriel, Non Profit Director: She’s hot and normal…but a little too giggly. I liked her until she f’s it all up at the cocktail party. More on that later.

Jennifer, 28, Oklahoma, Accountant: She tells Ben she tried on 54 dresses until she found this one. Should’ve made it 55, my friend.

Lyndsie, 29, Scottsdale, Internet Entrepreneur: Her introduction goes something like this: “I am a dork, I write poems! Here’s my poem (insert terrible poem here), See, I’m a dork! Hahahahaha! I love poems, I am a dork!” Not looking good for Lyennnndeziex.

Anna, 25, Michigan, Student: My favorite moment of the night. She doesn’t say a thing and walks right by Ben into the house. He’s yelling, “That’s a bold move”. I agree – bold, stupid, hilarious, aaand awesome. I’m a big fan of this wacky bitch.

Monica, 33, Salt Lake City, Dental Consultant: Can we talk about her profession? What the sh*t is a “dental consultant”? Not a dentist…not a hygienist…I suspect she is either a receptionist or an operator at 1-800-Dentist. One thing is for certain: She is a big, fat bitch. And maybe a lesbian.

Jaclyn, 27, Massachusetts, Ad Account Manager: No idea. Just a big nose, but I didn’t get much else.

Shawn, 28, Phoenix, Financial Advisor: My favorite and she does a decent intro. I’m a big fan of the arm slug. I am not, however, a big fan of her algae-colored dress or the ruffles on her ass.

Kacie, 24 (or 15), Tennessee, Admin: She tells Ben she won’t sugar coat anything. I don’t know what she means. I think she googled, “how to sound mature” and found this somewhere. She’s not making sense, but she sure is cute as a button.

Lindzi, 27, Seattle, Business Development Manager: She friggin rides in on a horse. Ben says he’s never dismounted anyone off a horse before. I know there’s a joke in here somewhere…

Cocktail party

Finally, we’re at the cocktail party. Here are the highlights:

  • Nikki tells Ben she’s super bubbly. Note to all men: Be careful of the bubbly chick. It either means they actually ARE bubbly all the time and that is exhausting because they’ll wake you up at 6am on Saturdays to go to yoga, or they are actually depressed and overcompensating with false bubbliness. Either way, not a great plan. Find a nice middle-of-the-road chick, like Shawn. Not a horse-lover (and I do mean….lover), or a bubbly mess or an emotional wreck (Jenna). Middle of the road, ladies. Trust me on this one.
  • Shawn plays soccer with him, Elyse makes him do push-ups, and Dianna oddly blindfolds him and feeds him candy, which makes no sense. Why does this cocktail party have to be a fu*king circus? Let’s just get drunk and talk. Geesh.
  • Emily, the freaky chick who wants to work at the Center for Disease Control, raps for Ben about catching diseases. It’s certainly a low point and Ben completely makes fun of her afterwards to the camera, which earns Ben points for me, for sure. He’s actually quite funny all night. I’m not sure I want him on top of me naked, but he does make me laugh.
  • The Monica/Jenna thing is plain stupid. Nobody really knows why, but Jenna and Monica hate each other. I think it’s because they’re wasted and had a conversation where one was misunderstood. Regardless, it’s dumb, but there are a couple things that come out of this: Monica is a seriously terrible person, and Jenna is an emotional mess. These two things don’t mix. Jenna tries to talk to her and Monica is cold, weird, and bitchy. Jenna breaks down and sobs for a long, long time in a bathroom. She tried to hold it together for awhile, but fails miserably. This chick needs some counseling…but for some reason, I don’t hate her. I think she’s just an emotional chick and combined with some alcohol and bitchy chicks, she doesn’t fare well. But I think she’s a hell of a lot better than the 1-800-Dentist operator.
  • Also, Dentist Operator is a lesbian. She hits on the 34-year old transvestite, Blakeley, in a very odd scene, but seems to get shot down. I’m not sure. Also, I hate this show.
  • Oh and Dentist Operator claims she is not aggressive, but wants to “Cut Jenna’s fu*king face off”. I mean, wow.
  • Jenna sits with Ben and says, “How are you doing?” He says, “Fine” and she says, “Is that because you know that nobody can dismiss you?” WOW. Okay she might need a little more than some basic, outpatient therapy.
  • Inexplicably, the first impression rose goes to Horse Lover.

Rose Ceremony

So with Lindzieeeex having the first impression rose, Benny gives the remaining 17 roses to:

Jamie - Nurse with sad story and Jon Benet Ramsey level of makeup
Rachel - Fashion Sales Rep (aka cashier at Kohl’s). Weird teeth, but nice.
Blakeley – VIP cocktail waitress, cougar, transvestite, lesbian
Emily – Disease Rapper
Kacie – 12 year old cute admin
Casey – boring as a bowl of soup
Brittney – Grandma toter
Erika – no idea. She was lost in the skank shuffle.
Shawn – Algae dress frontrunner
Nikki – Divorced Hygienist, good hugger. According to Ben.
Jennifer – Not cute
Elyse – Masculine Trainer, would injure Ben with aggressive sexual technique
Samantha – Pageant girl
Courtney – Bitch Model
Jaclyn – HUGE nose, and I mean huge
Monica – 1-800-Dentist Operator and terrible person
Jenna – Not stable

That means he sends the following chicks home:

Holly - Old hat girl
Amber - Canadian bacon
Dianna – Candy feeder
Lyndsie – Londoner on speed
Amber T – Ball eater from Nebraska. She’s crying a lot…probably because she just realized that she admitted on national TV that she enjoys eating testicles.
Anna – The one who blew past Ben during introductions. I guess it wasn’t a great move, after all.
Shira – The eating disorder actress. She must be pleased with all this airtime she received. (?)

So that’s the scoop, folks. I’m looking forward to seeing these skanks duke it out. See you next week!