Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Bachelor Recap - My takeaway from last night? I miss Ashley. And her forehead.

I have to say, at this point, I’m sort of over Ben and this whole season. Perhaps it’s because I know what happens. Perhaps it’s because I used to like Ben and think he was a guy I’d date…until he opened his mouth. And started banging Courtney. And kept parting his hair in the middle. What happened to you, Ben? You had such potential. This is how I see you now:

Enough said. Dork Central.

Here we go…”It’s been an incredible journey.” Fuck, I know. Especially for your penis, Ben.

Ben tells us we’re down to three (Nicki, Courtney and Lindzi) and we have one more stop: Switzerland. I feel bad for Switzerland, having to put up with these nimrods.

Benny does a quick recap for us of the three women, as he boards his plane to Switzerland. He says, “The more I get to know them, the more confused I get.” Liar. The more you get to know them, the harder you want to bang Courtney.

Here’s the recap. Or the important parts anyway:

Nicki: Still wants her second chance at her fairy tale. Still looks bad when wet. Ben says, “There are moments with Nicki that I picture myself with her for the rest of my life.” He adds, “Those moments are when I’m banging her and pretending she’s Courtney, but whatever.”

Lindzi: She’s a little bit country and a little bit city (and yet…neither?). Ben says that meeting her family propelled their relationship to the next level. As opposed to Kacie’s family, which propelled their relationship into the ground.

Courtney: There’s a weird magical force (his boner) that pulls them together. He also says, “The chemistry with Courtney is unlike anything I’ve had with anyone my entire life.” Soooo, if this isn’t a guy thinking with his dick, I don’t know what is. (For the record, I’m OK with thinking with your dick. I don’t give a shit what your intentions are and if you want to bang models, good for you. What I think is so lame is how he keeps touting that he wants to get married. He’s about as ready for marriage as I am to record my hit single.)

Anyway, Ben continues to walk through Switzerland, voiceovering himself, wearing a very European black leather jacket. With a side zipper.

Nicki Date

I have to give it to the Bachelor producers on this helicopter ride. As I watched last night and took notes, I wrote down, “Another mother fucking helicopter”, but they certainly gave this ride a little gusto. Oddly, the pilot begins dive-bombing into glaciers. At this point, if I was there, Ben would have eliminated me, since I certainly would have defecated next to him on this ride. Anyway, at least it was something new.

The view is insane, and I’m annoyed these d-bags get a free trip there. They fly around and then have a picnic. There is a lot of talk, and I mean a LOT of talk, about how much Nicki loves him. She won’t shut up and I’m mind boggled how unaware she is – can she not read his face at all? He is so uncomfortable and so obviously not into her. She needs to play it cool…and she’s not.

 What the hell is wrong with her back?!

Ben tells the Bachelor cam that he hopes she accepts the fantasy suite card, because “it feels like we’re continuing our love story.” And also, “I need to shut this bitch up. Hopefully she won’t talk about love the entire time I’m humping her.”

They head to dinner and Ben keeps saying things like, “I feel comfortable with Nicki”. I mean, it is anymore clear he doesn’t like her? She asks him how many kids he wants and I groan and stand up, getting ready to dive under my sofa. Hey ladies – don’t ever ask a guy this. Ever. You wait until you’ve been dating ten years, minimum, before you ask this. Guys don’t want to picture you sitting at home, planning out their future children and what you’ll name them. Don’t do it. It’s a turn off. I know, I know, it’s an important question but it makes you look like a marriage-hungry desperado. Although, these chicks went on the Bachelor, so that cat is already out of the bag, I suppose.

She opens up the card, and the verbiage has not changed in 27 seasons. “If you choose to forgo your individual rooms, you can stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. I, Chris Harrison, have personally decorated your room with candles, lingerie, and lube. Also, I will be in the corner masturbating.” OK for those who know me, I drop the Chris Harrison masturbating joke every season. I just want it to happen once. I want him to pop up from under the bed and scare the crap out of them.

Of course, she accepts it, they head to the fantasy suite, and make out for awhile in the bathtub. Nicki tells the camera, “It’s important to let him know how I’m feeling.” Good lord, woman. Shut up. What else is there? You’ve said it all, trust me. Stop. Now. The only thing that could come out of your mouth at this moment that would actually make him happy is, “Should we ask Courtney to come in for a threesome?”

Lindzi Date

For being such a nature girl, why the hell doesn’t she have a jacket in Switzerland?

They start the date by repelling down a 300-foot cliff. They are both shitting their pants. But guess what, you guys? This experience will undoubtedly bring them together. Also, rappelling is JUST like a relationship because you have to overcome fears and be there for each other…This is honestly the first moment I’ve had where I feel strongly that this show is on it’s last legs. Every show is exactly the same. Same helicopters, same dates, same types of chicks, same metaphors, same outcome. It was fun for awhile, but I’m not sure how many more jokes I have in me about desperate chicks, helicopters and poop.

Ben says that this task says a lot about Lindzi’s character. I agree. She wants no part of this shit, but is willing to do anything to land a man. So yes, it says a lot. It would be so awesome if one of these chicks said, “Fuck this, no way. I’ll meet you at the bottom with some alcohol and a sandwich. Peace out.”

Shockingly, they too, get in a hot tub. The hot tub scenes are all the same – the girls blab on and on about how they used to be so guarded but now they’re vulnerable and they love Ben soooo much. Despite his hair. By date three, I’m over it. We get it…you guys looooove Ben and want to get married. Note taken.

At dinner, Lindzi says to Ben that she’s falling in love with him and would like to see this end with a proposal. Don’t worry, it will. Not for you though, so perhaps you should’ve been more specific.

She also accepts the STD suite card, saying, “Normally, I don’t spend the night just with anyone (liar), but YES!”

Courtney Date

There’s a lot of talk from Ben to the Bachelor cam about how he’s so worried about Courtney and the way she treated the other women. Basically, he knows what a monster bitch this chick is, but he loves banging her so much that he still wants to choose her and is just praying America doesn’t hate him for his choice. So he’s giving her a chance to redeem herself on camera…She actually comes across as a smidge sorry, but I don’t buy it. She’s just trying to dig herself out, as if she JUST had the realization that he’s going to watch the show. Duh.

Anyway, their date is very Swiss, according to Ben (A Swiss date in Switzerland? How surprising!) He tells Courtney that they are going to have a picnic, but have to go grocery shopping themselves. She acts happy, but if this chick is anything like me, she’s pissed. I don’t want to shop and work and shit…lay it out for me, Producers, with a glass of champagne, please.

As they walk around streets and shop, they both comment on how this is what life would be like back home! Umm, no it’s not. I can’t remember the last time my husband and I had time to walk streets, shopping for bread. I can’t even remember the last time we were in a grocery store together, let alone having a picnic. Picnics are stupid. We need chairs to sit in or our backs hurt. Fuck, how old am I?

The highlight of the date is when they play “Hey Cow.” Possibly the best game two people could ever play. My best friend and I already have a date on the calendar to play. Basically, you go up to a cow and yell, “Hey Cow!” If the cow looks at you, you win. If not, you lose. Ben should’ve said, “Also, Courtney, if the cow doesn’t look at you, you have to have sex with the closest person to you, immediately.” She would have fallen for it.

They begin to talk about how bitchy she was to the other women and Ben says, “Yes, I noticed at times you twisted the knife a bit”, referring to how she’d rub something in the girls’ faces. This surprises me – I didn’t know he saw any of her bitchiness, but he did and he’s still Ok with this chick? Now he’s really pissing me off.

She cries to the Bachelor cam, saying that it makes her so sad knowing that she’s made it harder for him. Bullshit. She’s afraid her asshole-ness is going to get her booted from the show.

Dinner is more of the same – her apologizing for treating the girls like crap and wishes she handled herself differently. Wow, damage control. Of course, he’s forgiven her before she even begins. As long as his ass is covered. He even says, “I have lots of women friends and I’m afraid I won’t have their support.” He completely admits he’s into her, no matter how bitchy she is, but he’s afraid she looks like a complete whore bag on TV and his buddies will think he’s a douche for picking her. I love that he can deduce ALL THIS, but can’t figure out that he’s only thinking with his dick.

He gives her the fantasy suite card, saying it’s a big step. How, I’m not so sure. They’ve already banged in every major location east of the Mississippi, so doing it in the STD suite is nothing new. This is probably the most anti-climatic fantasy suite card ever.

Of course, she says yes, and they spend the night banging away all her sins.

 "They're gonna need to clean this hot tub later, if you know what I mean."

Emily Sneak Peak

We know Emily is the next Bachelorette (airing in May – weee!), so we get to see a sneak peak of her this episode. They fly her out to LA to hang out with Ali and Ashley’s forehead. They are supposed to give her tips for being the Bachelorette, but they just get their makeup done.

Ali looks the same. Ashley looks hot – I dig the hair color, but give the goddamn woman some bangs, please.

The girls get dressed in three extremely slutty outfits that are also totally inappropriate to be worn in a cold movie theatre. They are forced to participate in ABC’s cross promotion of Titanic in 3D, by going to an advance screening, where they try desperately to tie it into the show.

Not her best look.

Ashley says that Jack looks at Rose the same way JP looks at her. That is a bold statement. And it’s not true. Wanna know why? Because Jack Dawson is perfection. No man will ever live up to him, certainly not JP. And I can’t compare the two or the Jack in my brain will be forever tarnished.

 I miss that crazy dentist, Ashley.

Emily proves she is mind numbingly boring. I’m not kidding – she says five words this whole series. This doesn’t bode well for her season…but I bet in order to keep the interest, the Producers will cast a bunch of wack jobs for the bachelors. And wack guys are always way more interesting than wack chicks.

Kacie’s back

In yet another totally predictable sequence, Kacie comes back via a free first class ticket to Switzerland. She flies all the way there to ask Ben why he dumped her. This amazes me. Since I’ve been with my husband for nine years, I haven’t been dumped in awhile, but I never remember there being such mystery around it. The guy just didn’t like me, or didn’t like something about me. I don’t remember being crazy about that part. I was crazy about a lot of other shit, don’t get me wrong, but that part wasn’t a mystery. The real mystery came from why I dated the douche bags I did. The cheater in the band? The other cheater? The gay one? Yeah, I had a few winners.

Despite the fact all of this could have been discussed in the “Women Tell All” special, Ben tries to explain by saying things like, “Your family was fucking crazy and I want no part of that. Oh and you’re a child.” But it sounds more like, “We’re worlds apart in where we come from and I couldn’t give you all the things you needed. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

So I give him a B. He was sort of honest. I always want them to say, “I just didn’t like you as much as the other chicks. That’s how this fucking show works, dingbat.”

She then tells Ben that Courtney blows and he’ll be hurt if he chooses her. Ben is visibly sad to hear this, demands details, and Kacie gives a few, but nothing groundbreaking. I am BORED. She leaves.

Side note: All the chicks on this show walk like they’ve been riding a horse too long, except Lindzi. Ironic, no?

Rose Ceremony

Ben talks to Chris and looks pretty pissed off (and a little drunk). I think he knows he’s picking Courtney and is now just worried that everyone will think he’s an asshole for picking her. He probably knows that she’s being played up as the villain (rightfully so), so he’s freaked. But it’s not changing his decision. He’s not riding horses with Lindzi for the rest of his life. Geesh.

Chris asks him if he wants Kacie in the rose ceremony this week. He says, “God no, I have enough crazy to deal with, please don’t add some back in.”

He tells Chris about his week with the chicks, saying, “Lindzi lights up a room.” That’s quickly followed up with, “Courtney however, does not. But she’s more bangable.”

Anyway, Ben gives his last two roses to Lindzi and Courtney, sending poor Nicki home. So much for that fairy tale, take 2.

Ben walks Nicki out saying, “It has nothing to do with you. And by that, I mean, it has everything to do with you. I don’t like you as much as Courtney. Mmmm kay?”

Nicki loses it a bit in the limo, but certainly not to the level of some other ladies. So that’s lame for us.

Next week is the Women Tell All. Usually the last two chicks aren’t allowed to be there, but I hear Courtney will actually come since she was such drama this season. I bet it was Ben’s PR team that is insisting on this, to assist with damage control. Either way, that makes for a more interesting show. And then the finale – almost there, peeps!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Bachelor Recap – Please read prayerfully and carefully

Ahhh, I always enjoy the hometown episode, because it’s an interesting glimpse into the way people live outside of my little cocoon here in California. I always have the same thought – aren’t there any stylish interior decorators anywhere in the country besides here? And when did toffee-colored leather couches become stylish? I love how Texas and Tennessee are portrayed as mere stereotypes…although Father Kacie B. didn’t help to break stereotypes much.

Anyway, I digress. Let’s dive in.

Lindzi Date

I have it on good account from a reader that Lindzi changed her name to go on the Bachelor. Apparently to be cute, funky, fresh and to stand out. Perhaps to get attention from obnoxious bloggers. Anyway, guess what her name used to be? Lindsey. No joke. She just funked out the spelling to be cool like that. Please now refer to me as Geeenh (silent h).

Lindzi says she’s excited to bring her “boyfriend, Ben” home to meet her family. I wonder how her family feels about her boyfriend banging vapid supermodels in his spare time?

Of course, she meets him on a horse, because Lindzi’s passion is horses. Ben says he rode horses growing up, but “it’s nothing I ever imagined would be a big part of my life.” Almost simultaneously we hear Lindzi say, “If Ben wants to end up with me, horses are going to be part of our life. Forever.” Ahhh another Bachelor match made in heaven.

Side note: For a horsey nature girl, she is HEAVY on the self-tanner and makeup. Wowzers.

Side note two: Guess what, you guys? Love is like riding a horse. If you fall off, you just get back on. Also, sometimes a horse will kick you in the balls. Or you’ll step in a steaming pile of it’s stinky shit. Or you’ll get bucked off and break your back and be paralyzed for the rest of your life (RIP Sonny Bono. Oh wait, he hit a tree skiing. I mean, RIP Superman). All of these things happen and not a damn one has anything to do with finding love on the shit-ass Bachelor, so shut the fuck up.


Anyway, Ben and Lindzi sit down to chat in a poor location choice (too much wind). She tells him she’s feeling really vulnerable and I kind of zone out the rest. Ben keeps saying that he’s so glad she’s really opening up. Why is opening up a good thing? It makes you sound desperate (“I’m in love with you!” – Nicki) or wacky (“I used to hide my own vomit in my closet” – Kacie”, etc.) Sometimes it’s okay not to open up.

 I know there's a joke in here somewhere...

They pull up to her parent’s house where Lindzi again says, “This is my boyfriend, Ben!” Ben laughs very, veeeery uncomfortably. Between that and all the opening-up, things aren’t looking good for Lindzi.

They have a stupid carriage race. Who insists on taking the damn dogs on the race?

The head inside for some dinner…Looking at all the horses at this place, combined with Lindzi’s mom’s horrendous hair style, I get really excited to see their house. I bet it has horrible drapes, and horse paraphernalia everywhere, like a saddle on the wall, and horse rugs, etc. But to my surprise, it’s a pretty nice house, with a kick ass pool! (Despite the toffee-colored leather couch) And shockingly, her parents are kind of normal. I’m not sure Dad is the shiniest bulb on the tree, but he’s pretty damn sweet. Mom needs a haircut and perhaps a chemical peel on her face, but she’s normal too. All the parents blab about not wanting their daughter to get hurt. Umm, a smart concern, considering she’s only got a 25% chance of “winning”, and by winning, I mean, dating Ben and getting dumped in two weeks. Getting hurt is a valid concern.

Side notes: 1) Lindzi looks wasted when she talks even when she’s not. When she blinks, her eyes take an abnormally long time to open again, and she sounds a bit slurry. 2) Lindzi says the word “important”, like “IM-POUR-TENT”.

The only red flag is when Lindzi’s mom says that Lindzi doesn’t have much experience with boys since they kept her away from boys and made her focus on horses. Ahhh, this explains a lot. But how exactly did they do that? Lock her in a closet and only allow horse visitors? She could only leave for cheerleading? And self-tanner application? Confusing.

Later on, Dad makes a toast and says he’d be honored to have him as his son-in-law, which certainly seems to be putting the carriage before the horse, to use a term he’d be familiar with. All in all, they’re not completely normal, but later on, in comparison, this is the jackpot family.

Last side note: Lindzi admits she was living with her last boyfriend, but isn’t that the guy who dumped her via text message? Sooooo, did he text her and then follow it up with a “Oh and I’ll be home later to get my stuff.” Again…confusing.

Kacie Date

Well, this shit takes the cake as one of the most insane dates ever. I’m not bashing these hard-core Bible belt people, but I mean, WOW. OK I’m bashing them. This is some crazy shit.

Kacie unfortunately opens her date in Tennessee with a marching band and some baton twirling. As Ben says, she’s really going for it. Um yes, true. If she’s going down, that bitch is going down in flames. Between that and Father Kacie, this coffin is nailed shut.

They hang out at her old high school (WTF?), where Kacie gently warns Ben about her father. He’s a probation officer and he doesn’t drink. I agree this sets the stage, but she forgot to say, “Oh and he’s fucking crazy.”

Side note: Kacie’s laugh is still mind-bending. Sooooo baaaaad.

As they head to Kacie’s house, I’m excited for some good Bible belt d├ęcor and that house does not disappoint. Neither does Mom’s rose decorated shirt. Neither does sister’s outfit – she knew she’d be on TV, so she wore her very fanciest: Her 2003 prom dress – a pink off-the-shoulder number. Also, there’s a pink tapestry-thing on the wall. Like a giant pink doily…on the wall.

Why is the Mom 30 years younger than her Dad?

Mom pulls Ben aside and tells him that she does not approve of people living together before marriage. Ben wants to say, “Your fucking daughter is 24. She will live with me before we’re married and I WILL have sex with her too. So suck that.” But instead he avoids the comment by saying something like, “That tells me you care about her.” He neglects to say, “That also tells me you’re living in a fantasy world.”

She then tells Ben that their family is always together, and they never had babysitters so Mom was the ONLY one who could ever teach them anything. Way to give your kids a worldly view. Wow.

Ben and scary Dad talk, and it’s clear that Ben will fit into this family about as well as I’d fit into a Kilimanjaro climbing expedition. It’s not going to work. Dad knows this and says, “If she’s not the one, I hope that’s communicated to her very soon.” Aaaaand DONE, Mr. Bible. Done.

Kacie and Dad talk and Daddy makes it CLEAR she is not to live in sin with him in San Francisco and that they have to be engaged for awhile first to get to know each other better. OK He’s got a point in the getting-to-know-you thing. Always wise pre-marriage. Anyway, Ben comments to the camera that they’re very protective of her. Uh, yeah, that’s one way to say it.

Before we move onto Nicki’s date, I want you all to remember something today. Please make every decision prayerfully and carefully.

Nicki Date

Ben heads to Fort Worth, Texas to meet Nicki’s family. To fit the stereotypical Texas visit, they have to go shopping for cowboy boots and a hat, which make Ben looks extremely douche-y. So does her new sparkly top.

They chat on a bench and it’s so boring I fast-forward (Seriously, how did anyone watch this show before TiVo?) They head to Nicki’s parents house where they hang out with Nicki’s mom and dad, and her brother. And another toffee-colored leather couch. Seriously, was there a sale at La-z-boy?

Nicki tells her parents that she’s in love with him and that’d he’d be such a good husband. She also mentions that he makes her feel special, especially when he bangs other women while skinny-dipping in Puerto Rico. Super special.

Her family is sweet and normal, although decidedly unstylish. I can forgive that because they’re so damn nice and normal. Nicki says, “I’m so lucky to have family like I do.” Wanna know what you’re not lucky to have? That dinner. I just see a lot of brown things. Meat, beans, wow. And it’s all served in yellow plates to accentuate the brown-ness. Note how Ben’s plate is still full and these Texans have all polished that shit off?

Nicki ends the date by pulling Ben aside and telling him that she’s in love with him. He doesn’t look super pleased by it all.

Courtney Date

Ben heads to Scottsdale next for some dirty sex, I mean, to meet Courtney’s family. Courtney manages to sound normal for the first part of the date, saying how she’s been hurt by men before and she feels bad for treating some of the girls the way she did, etc. I start to panic that she might be starting to normalize. But in five minutes, I’ll be reassured of her craziness, not to worry.

Courtney’s Dad seems like a nice, normal go-getter type. The sister seems normal too. And her Mom seems so natural! And THAT, my friends, is sarcasm. She’s had a little work done, no? Whoa.

Not much interesting conversation going on at all. Despite Courtney’s mom face, the words that come out of her mouth aren’t nearly as entertaining at Kacie’s parents. So I’m kind of bored. Courtney tells everyone how great he is and that she’s falling for him. Snooze.

They say goodbye and the only thing I can think is, why does Courtney’s mom wear hotter jeans than I do? I really need to hit a gym.

Courtney and Ben head to some ugly park, where oddly, Courtney claims she wants to get married at one day. She tells the camera that she’s in love with Ben and wants to tell him today.

Once they get there, she forces Ben to wear a bow tie, write fake vows and participate in a fake wedding. LADIES! WARNING! This will never work as a cute thing to do to win your man over! Never fake a wedding! Unless you are as hot as Courtney, do not attempt! Do not attempt!

His vows are sweet and it’s clear as day he’s going to pick this bitch in the end. Her vows, however, are a little bit all over the place. I’m certain I hear a little Bob Marley in there…and a reader tells me today that those vows are from the Sex in the City movie. Wow.

Oddly, Ben claims that it meant so much to him that she’d plan this. He says, she’s an incredible woman…not a great writer, but whatever.

Rose Ceremony

At the end of the week, Ben meets with Chris Harrison back in LA to dish about the dates. He says, “I’m glad I got to experience such wonderful families (except Kacie’s), and everyone was beautiful (except Kacie’s family) and it couldn’t have gone better (except Kacie’s visit, where it clearly could have gone a LOT better.)

He gives the three roses to Courtney, Lindzi and Nicki, sending poor Kacie back to her Dad’s dungeon in Tennessee. She says a nice goodbye, but then loses it in the limo. She cries a lot, saying she’s so upset, and why is she not good enough? Then she gets PISSED and drops a LOT of f-bombs. Her dad is NOT going to be pleased.

Next week, we’re off to Switzerland for the STD suite dates. Weee!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Bachelor Recap - Ben swims in a Butthole. I mean, Blue Hole.

Has anyone else noticed that Courtney’s calves are as wide as her thighs? I keep seeing comments about her knock-knees, but I think that’s why. Her calves are weighing her down.

Aaaaaaanyhoo, let’s get to it. We are down to six chicks this week. I admit I watched this show with a different attitude this week. For one, I just met Ben a few nights ago, and although he was perfectly nice, I felt pretty strongly about the fact that he just wanted to go on the show to promote his wine business. Now when I watch it, I’m kind of mad at him. What a douche bag thing to do…Chicks get REALLY into this show, so it’s kind of dick to purposefully go into it knowing you’ll hurt people. I admit I’m kind of an asshole too, but this seems extra mean.

I was trying to talk myself out of this, when I heard some horrible Ben gossip from a very reliable source. Without telling you who it was, this person is one degree away from Benny, so I trust it. I suppose you never REALLY know the true story, but from what I can gather from my very limited journalistic fact-checking skills (um none), I think what I heard was true.

This person tells me Ben wholeheartedly DID go on the show solely to promote the business. He had no intention of picking anyone. He was paid a lot of money to go on the show. I can’t tell you the exact amount, but I’ll tell you it was somewhere between $299,000 and $301,000. And remember a couple weeks ago when he got naked with Courtney in the water and we were wondering if they had sex? So yeaaaaaah, he had sex with FIVE chicks on the show. Nice.

I have more scoop, but it blows the ending, so I’ll let you in on that on finale night.

Anyway, Ben is left with six chicks this week: Courtney, Lindzi, Kacie, Rachel, Nikki and Emily. The gang is in Belize and I would loooove to go there (minus the tarantulas. And the sharks. And Ben’s sperm that has now littered the island).

Ben talks about his upcoming week in Belize and I can’t listen because I’m so confused as to how he’s a dude who wears TANK TOPS and still manages to bang supermodels. How is that possible?

Chris Harrison gets a free trip to Belize for three minutes of work? Not fair. Seriously, that would be my dream job. Free travel and a birds’ eye view of this train wreck. But he’s too nice. I’d slap the chicks around a bit more. Anyway, Chris tells the girls there will be three one-on-one dates this week and one group date, which will have a rose on it. The four women who get roses this week will take Ben home to meet their families.

Lindzi Date

Lindzi gets the first one-on-one date and all I can think is, enough with the fucking helicopters. They fly around and end up at the Blue Hole. That sounds dirty – like blue balls, but in a butthole, but alas, it’s not. It’s a big hole in the water, surrounded by a coral reef. The helicopter hovers over it and makes them jump out. Lindzi is freaking out, so Ben kisses her. His hair is horrible, normally, but it looks REALLY bad when it’s being flattened by helicopter wind.

Yes, I'm taking pictures of my TV again

The camera makes it look like they’re 300 feet up, but in fact I’d guess they’re about six feet up. Of course they land just fine, and decide to kiss while treading water. Never a good idea. I bet you’d snot on each other a lot.

After they swim around in Ben’s blue hole (ewww), they clean up and have dinner while sitting on a dock. Maybe it was just drinks. Either way, my back would have hurt after three minutes. They chat and she’s really into this sexy, hoarse voice. It was sexy for a minute. Now I just want her to clear her throat. And her bangs have gone completely haywire. They’re long and greasy and need a trim. And the girl is drunk on bronzer. Despite all this, I think she MIGHT be a little normal. GASP! Which only means Ben won’t choose her. Before they end the night, they write a love story on a piece of paper and send it off in a bottle. So fucking stupid. They act like it’ll be gone for years. Umm, someone probably picked it up off the beach that night. Anyway, Lindzi is hoping he’ll friggin propose marriage on this note, but instead the bottled love story ends with a promise to always be honest. (You mean, like you’d honestly rather bang Courtney?) Anyway, he probably should have dumped her right then and there. Not looking good, Lindzi.

Just to hammer the coffin shut, Ben comments, “Lindzi and I are very comfortable together.” Uhhhh oh. That’s not exactly where you should be at this point in a relationship. You should be thrilled to see each other. “Comfortable” should come after five years of marriage when you’re shitting in front of each other with the bathroom door open. I mean, he’s not sayin’ he feels so comfortable with Courtney, right? With Courtney, he’s more like, “I’m very comfortable IN Courtney.”

Emily Date

I’m hung up on bangs this season. I wish Emily would cut hers shorter, so they actually cover part of her large forehead.

Anyway, Ben and Emily spend some time riding bikes, drinking out of coconuts and ruining some nice people’s basketball game. I can’t even talk about the dancing because I briefly hid under my sofa.

While they’re walking around, they find some guy playing with lobsters who offers to take them out lobster diving. Emily is thrilled that Ben is so spontaneous. She’s kidding, right? Like the entire production crew just fucking STUMBLED across a random lobster hunter. Emily, don’t be an asshole.

Side note: What happens to all these girls’ faces when they’re forced to jump into water without preplanning their eyeliner and mascara situation? It must not look pretty when they come up.

Anyway, while lobster hunting (which looks terrifying by the way), Emily finally catches one and pops up to the surface to show Ben. I’m pretty confident THIS was the moment he decides to dump her. Her hair is all over her face, her goggle-things are crooked and she’s smiling with that huge snorkel mouthpiece in her mouth. It’s not a good look.

See? Not attractive.

Ben’s coffin-nailing comment about Emily is, “I’m looking at her and thinking ‘this feels pretty right’”. Yeeeah, that really feels like you’re head-over-heels in love. I’m sure that line is in everyone’s vows when they’re getting married: “This feels pretty ok”.

At dinner, she formally invites him to meet her family and he toasts to her and how much he loves chatting with her. Oh lord…again, not looking good. Guess what he’s NOT toasting with Courtney. Talking. They toast to her vagina.

Courtney Date

This chick sucks. She keeps saying that Ben needs to step up his game and give her what she needs. I want to shake the bitch and yell at her, “Bitch, don’t you know what this show is about? If you piss him off, he’ll just pick one of the other chicks! You have to kiss his ass no matter what a dick he is. It’s not about YOUR needs or wants, or how he treats you, it’s about HIM!” Wait a second. I just realized how fucked up this premise is.

She also pisses me off because she says the spark has fizzled and she needs to get it back. Ummm, it’s been three weeks and you’ve been on two dates. How can the spark have fizzled? It’s not like you’re pooping in front of him yet, right? Don’t answer that.

Back at the house, the girls are bashing on Courtney, and Emily says, “I have to trust that Ben is perceptive enough to figure it out for himself.” Oh Emily, we’re SORT OF overestimating little Benny, aren’t we? I mean, he wore a tank top earlier today. He doesn’t scream perceptive.

Back on the date, Ben and Courtney are attempting to climb up a massive temple. But Courtney’s calves are weighing her down so they have to stop and rehydrate with some Chardonnay half way up. She tells him that she was feeling the spark has fizzled, and I’ve blocked out the rest cause she sucks. Ben comments that he’d be devastated and crushed if she wasn’t interested in him. Could it be anymore obvious that he barely likes the other chicks but worships this one?

She says that she didn’t feel the love on the group dates. He says, “In those group dates, I definitely noticed you. You made yourself stand out…like by taking your clothes off in the village that one time, and by letting me put my penis inside you in the ocean that other time. Remember? I sure as shit do, and I can’t wait to get me some more of that.”

Side note - I would most certainly pass out climbing those stairs.

Side note two – her mouth is just WEIRD.

At dinner, Ben tries to talk to her about the other girls. The lies just pour right out of her weird mouth, as she tells Ben she TRIED to win the girls over from day one but THEY are the assholes. How can he buy this? He knows the other girls are all friends. You have to be wary of the chick that everyone hates, don’t you? God he’s stupid. The syphilis is clouding his judgment.

She also tells Ben she’s not impressed with the other girls. Ummm, bitch, he’s DATING them. Why do you think THAT would be a good thing to say? Ben ends the night by saying (to us, not to her), “One of my fears is being with someone that I like that ultimately, people don’t.” So yeeeeah, you’re screwed Ben. Enjoy banging your supermodel while you can, cause if you pick her, you’re in deep shit.

Group Date

Ben wakes the girls up at 4am (RUDE) and they completely panic. He tells them to come outside, but the girls insist on doing their hair and shaving their hairy legs and armpits. So approximately two hours later, they emerge and meet a pissed off Ben outside. He takes them out on a catamaran, complete with 6am champagne. Before shark diving. Smart move.

Ben starts in on the relationship analogies and how shark diving is exactly like a relationship. It’s just not. It’s not. There isn’t any correlation at all. I hate you.

Rachel is freaking out and therefore demands all of Ben’s time, while Nicki and Kacie happily swim among the sharks. The girls are pissed. I am pissed too…that this segment is so boring.

After the shark diving, they head back to their house to hang out. Nicki’s boobs look swollen, my God. He has one-on-one’s with all of them, there’s some kissing and some SUPER boring conversation. Kacie B looks wasted in the hot tub, as evidenced by the fact she tries to place a flower in her hair, cutesy-like, but it ends up looking more like a flower-spear that was shot through her head.

So dumb.

Anyway, Ben gives Kacie the rose. Afterwards, they’re all sitting there and remark about how awkward it is. Kacie says, “We just want you to be happy.” That’s a lie. That’s something you feel about your husband after ten years of marriage. When you’re dating, you don’t give a shit about their happiness. You care about your own and therefore you want Ben to date you and nobody else. Chicks are liars.

Nicki and Kacie lightly warn Ben about Courtney, saying she acts differently around the girls than she does around him, and that they don’t think she cares about him. He doesn’t listen.

Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony, the girls are chatting and Courtney is not only wasted, but she's an idiot. Here’s the girls’ chat:

Emily: Are you guys feeling good? I’m nervous.
Court: I feel good cause I blew him on a temple yesterday, and ain’t no man gonna turn that down again. Zing!
Nicki: It’s just a serious night.
Court: Check out the cherry on top of my drink. Weeeee!
Emily: I hate her.
Court: Mmm, this drink tastes so good when it hits your lips! My lips are a little chafed, if you know what I mean, so this feels goooood. That’s what he said.
Emily: Anyone have a gun?

Ben forgoes the cocktail party solely because he doesn’t want to make small talk with Rachel and Emily. Or he doesn’t want to risk having to listen to another one of Emily’s raps.

Before Ben starts handing out roses, he pulls Courtney aside to pretend that he’s questioning her intentions, but he barely asks her anything. He says, “I want to know if you’re in this.” She says, “Yes” and he says, “Great. Wanna give me another blow job before we go back there?”

I’m annoyed this segment has been advertised as dramatic for weeks when it’s nothing at all.

So back to the rose ceremony. Kacie already has a rose. He gives the remaining three roses to Nikki, Lindsey and Courtney. This means Emily and Rachel are sent packing. They’re both crying REALLY, REALLY hard but trying to pretend they’re not.

So that’s that. Next week are the hometown dates, which is always good and next week looks like it’ll be more of the same good trash. Plus the families all look like assholes or weirdos, which is a great combo when you’re a viewer. Should be good stuff. See you then!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Bachelor Recap - Their Hotel Looks like a Vagina

So yeah, this was possibly the most horrificly awkward two hours of television I’ve ever seen. I should say, “partly seen”, since I was under my sofa for the majority of the show. I mean, don’t these women understand they’ll have normal jobs to return to one day? How will that be possible, Jamie?

Anyway, let’s dive in. (that’s what he said)

The gang is in Panama this week. We’re down to nine chicks. Wait! Before you shoot yourself, we get rid of THREE girls this week, which means we might actually see the ending before 2013!

This week there are three dates – a group date, a one-on-one date and a two-on-one date. The first date card arrives (via Ben, not Chris Harrison, and now I actually appreciate the adeptness that Mr. Harrison shows when delivering the card. Ben manages to look like a douche bag doing it). Anyway, the card is for a one-on-one date with Kacie B. She immediately starts plotting how she can fit some baton twirling into the date.

Kacie B. Date

She says, “This could be the date that changes the rest of my life.” Uh only if you die, from flying in a…say it with me… helicopter! For the love of God…Side note: I don’t think Panama is the place you want to fly in a helicopter, right? Some things are better left to more developed countries. Like the time I bungee jumped in Mexico. Not a wise decision in retrospect.

They get dropped off all alone on a deserted island, left to fend for themselves. All they have is a full staff, a helicopter on deck, and camera crew to help them. They each packed three things and I hate them for their choices. Kacie packs a baton. Just kidding. She packs a stuffed monkey. What an asshole. Then she packs a bag to puke up her lunch. Ohhhh kidding again. More on that later. What else was there – a bottle opener (Ok that one was smart) and a bag of candy (not bad either). Ben packs a machete, fishing net and matches, all of which were given to him by the producers. As he shows Kacie his choices, she laughs. Oh the laugh. That horrid laugh. I’m calling it now – there’s no way a normal dude could handle that laugh for the rest of his life. It’s THAT bad. Kacie B.’s days are numbered.

Oh fuck, here it comes: Being fake-stranded on a tropical island for an hour is a perfect metaphor for a relationship. This will be a real test to see if they can make it! The biggest test of this afternoon is whether Kacie B will keep her lunch down. (Sorry, more on that later. But I plan on getting a lot of mileage out of this one).

Kacie comments that watching Ben flail while trying to crack a coconut was “really hot.” Wow, the girl isn’t tough to impress. She’s later heard saying, “Ben was totally pooping in his hotel room – I heard it! It was so hot.”

They catch a fish for lunch and drink coconut juice. Despite the fact that’s the only food on the island and neither of them brought alcohol, I find it interesting they’re drinking champagne. The producers know this show is nothing without wasted people, so they must have conveniently left some in the sand for them.

After they leave the island and head to dinner, Ben greets a newly showered Kacie and says, “You look beautiful!” and she says, “You look…the same actually.” He does. The exact same.

Kacie tells Ben how she looks forward to the day-to-day things, like going to the grocery store (ironic considering her next confession) and working out and seeing her family. Ben starts to nod off with boredom. I do too. I wake up to hear Kacie say that she needs to be honest with Ben and get something off her chest. I perk up! Oh good, here it comes. She used to be a man, she once murdered her roommate, she only has one foot, she eats dirt – give me something good! She tells Ben she used to be bulimic. I’ll preface this with the fact that I KNOW it’s a serious disorder, and I don’t want to make fun…but I have to a little. It’s not exactly the bomb I expected to be dropped. I mean, I know approximately 438 girls who were bulimic in high school and college. I was in a sorority for fucks’ sake. I used to have to eat my Taco Bell in the car outside for fear of the girls looking at me like I was an outsider, while they all puked up their lunches. There was a line outside the bathroom after meal times. It’s not exactly uncommon.

PS – Sorority sisters – I love you guys! Sisters forever!

She claims that having an eating disorder made her who she is today, and then apologizes since it’s obviously a lot to unload. He looks at her like, “Ummm, no not really.”

He gives her the rose and she immediately eats it and throws it up on Ben’s lap. (Dumb, I know, but I can’t stop making bulimia jokes now.)

Side note: Her dress is very Robert Palmer, Addicted to Love video. Fuck, stop it with the “I’m obviously over 35” references. Sorry. I am young and hip, I swear. I have to go text now or wear jean shorts with cowboy boots or something young.

Group Date

The group date this week is with Emily, Nikki, Lindzi, Casey S., Courtney and Jamie. Ben tells us that he is looking for someone who can “go with the flow”. I’ve had just about enough of you, Ben. Shut the fuck up. That’s not what you want. You want to pound Courtney and have dirty sex with slutty models. That’s all. Stop acting like you want to get married and have this easy-going chick. You don’t – you don’t care who they are or what they do, as long as they don’t get emotional and girly on you and give a mean blowjob. I thought more of you in the past, but I’m quite certain I have you nailed. (That’s what he said)

Wow, I needed to get that off my chest.

Anyway, they row a tree stump down the river and end up at some fake-remote village. They paid some homeless people to pretend they were authentic villagers, who showed them the way of life in their fake village. They make the girls wear beaded tops. They all keep on their bathing suits except Courtney who takes it off and wears only beads. Sigh…part of me wants to hug her and tell her she doesn’t need to be a fucking whore to land a man. Good lord.

Ben, of course, comments that she was the only one who took her shirt off and he appreciated it (insert goofy grin). I would pay money to slap that smile off his friggin face. I get that you’re a dude and you like hot, naked chicks. I get that. But doesn’t it even DAWN on you how slutty and classless she is? Aren’t you supposed to be at an age where you want to settle down, get married and spend your life with a quality girl? (And not THE most insecure actress/model in all of LA) I mean, my husband hates supermodels and would never want to see one naked. He only wants MY fat twin-baring ass. THAT is what is attractive to him. I almost FEEL the lies as I write them.

Summing up – Ben is a lost cause.

Anyway, the girls write on each other, and Ben with black paint. It’s supposed to be tribal, but no doubt they shatter the village’s traditions by writing smut on each other. I’m surprised one of them doesn’t write “Go Giants!” or something. Kacie B. writes on herself, “No, Mom, I don’t know where that vomit came from.” No idea what I’m talking about. I do that a lot, don’t I?

There’s a fuzzy gray box that follows Courtney’s boobs around, which is amusing. She keeps shimmering her boobs back and forth and I want to tell her that no boobs look good doing that, so stop it.

The after-village cocktail party is uneventful. The girls all talk to him and nothing interesting is said. Jamie is feeling quite horny and wants to kiss him, but Courtney is prancing around half naked behind them as they talk. Ben of course, is mesmerized by her and my eyes are almost stuck upwards in my head from rolling them so much.

Courtney later tells Ben her room number is 1611. She comments that she’s going to arrange some alone time and that Ben is probably itching for some too. Well he’ll be itching something after naked time with you. That was dumb. Too easy.

Courtney also mentions that she wants to keep the spark alive. Ummm, cause they’ve been together so long that they spark is fizzling out? She just assumes that sex is why he’s interested in her? Oh wait, that’s correct.

Side note: Jamie wears too much makeup. We’ve all noticed this. But I’m not entirely sure why she thinks sparkly eye shadow screams Panama. Not a good decision.

Emily sits with Ben and pretends she has something serious to tell him. She says that there is another man in her life, and it’s recent, blah blah blah…and it’s the chief from the village. I admit, this is totally something I would do in hopes that he thinks I’m funny. Although I would’ve tacked on, “and he made love to me today in a hut and it was sensational.”

Side note: When Courtney just sits there, listening to someone, or thinking, she’s really weird looking.

Ben gives Lindzi the rose. Woo hoo.

Two on One Date

Rachel and Blakeley have the two-on-one date this week, and Blakeley is oddly excited about it, which immediately gives away the fact that she’s the one who gets the boot.

Anyway, they head to a salsa-dancing lesson, where they’re given skanky dresses to wear before the lesson starts. Blakeley’s is horrible and makes her look like she is a Hooters waitress wearing a salsa dress as a Halloween costume. Oh wait, that’s basically what this is. Rachel certainly wears the better dress here…which isn’t saying much. That’s like asking Ben who he’d rather hump, Jamie or Blakeley – either way you lose.

 Both horrible, right?

Speaking of losing, Blakeley later pulls Ben aside and shows him the scrapbook she made for him. The logic of this completely escapes me. She’s 34 for fucks’ sake, not 13. You don’t make scrapbooks anymore, complete with crookedly pasted magazine cutouts of words like “San Francisco”, “Puerto Rico”, “Hooters” or “I’m fucking crazy”. You just don’t do it. Why would any sane woman think a DUDE would be impressed by this? Me don’t understand.

Despite the fact Ben is clearly letting his penis control the outcome of this show, he doesn’t fall victim to Blakeley’s overt sexual behavior and sends her packing. I don’t think this proves he’s into the smart beautiful chick over the sexy one – he would just rather bang Rachel.

So Ben gives Rachel the rose, and Blakeley walks away pissed off. Then she slows down to talk to Ben. Then weeps on his shoulder. I think there are some words exchanged, but I’m too mesmerized by the Panamanian cat that is walking around, meowing at them, etc. Will it pounce? Why is it so interested in Ben? Don’t cats eat vomit? Maybe it’s attracted to some stray vomit from Kacie B living in Ben’s hair or something. Again, no idea what I’m talking about.

Casey Drama

Oh Lord, I hate this show.

Chris Harrison announces that he needs to speak to Casey S. (the one who has had little-to-no role this season). He says that three different people from the US have told him that she’s still in love with Michael, her ex. My first question would have been, “Who the fuck are these three people?” But nope, nobody thinks like me here.

Despite all the weirdness, I bet that I know, with 100% certainly, what the real deal is. Michael, the ex, is a complete mind fuck. He tells her that he loves her but really doesn’t, and he has no intention of marrying her. But he strings her along so he can keep banging her. She gets fed up and tells him she’s going on the Bachelor. After she leaves, he tells the show he still loves her, just to fuck up her chances.

Anyway, she kills me in this segment, because she’s not all that torn up about leaving Ben, and she’s not all that torn up about Michael being a mind fuck – she’s most pissed off that she has an extra item on her to-do list now: Finding a new boyfriend. She says, “Now I have to go home and deal with this!” Waaaaaaaa. She literally wails like a whiny bitch. She seems like she’s about 19 years old here and I want to punch her in the throat.

So anyway, yeah, she leaves. And Ben does the typical, introspective balcony scene, but doesn’t do it justice. He stands there…and then goes inside. He’s not all that torn up about Casey. It’s not really an Ashley-saying-goodbye-to-Bentley scene.

Cocktail Party

There’s only one thing worth talking about from this cocktail party, so let’s just get to it: Jamie.

Let me preface this by saying I think Jamie is a nice, sweet chick, despite the drag-queen level of makeup. She’d be a nice wife, nice mom, blah blah blah. But she’s turning a corner of desperation. And she probably sensed she was “behind” these other chicks and needed to make a move. And BOY did she make a move.

She starts saying things to the Bachelor camera, like, “I have a surprise for Ben” and “I want to turn him on” and “he better brace himself”, and I start to get goose bumps. I stand up because I know it’ll only be a few more seconds until I’m hiding under my sofa.

And oh man, she does NOT disappoint. The only thing that will do this paragraph justice is just watching it. It needs no jokes. It’s THAT bad.

She says she has “big plans” and tries to straddle him. Side note: Straddling a guy fully clothed is not “big plans”. Grab a dictionary and look up “big plans” and you’ll see a picture of Courtney and Ben skinny-dipping. Those are big plans. This is not.

Anyway, I have no idea why she thought straddling him was a good idea in a tight dress. Sure enough, her dress splits. She manages to sit on him and they make out and I wish to God it ended there. But nope. She stands up, sits next to him and begins to make out with him again. HOWEVER, she feels the need to commentate the whole thing, and explains to Ben how it will work, whose tongue will be where, etc. It goes like this:

B: What the fuck are you doing?
J: Weeeelll, my mouth will be open and yours will be closed. And then mine will be closed and yours will be open.
B: I hate you.
J: Riiiight, and then we’ll go EXLORING!
B: I fucking can’t believe my buddies will be watching this.
J: Aaaare you enjoooying this? Let’s do it again, and start with our mouths closed and then we’ll open them! I know that’s groundbreaking kissing technique but I’m THAT good.
B: Where’s Courtney.
J: Does my makeup look good? Like really heavy still?
B: It’ll take a chisel to get that off.
J: Perfect, now where’s that tongue, silly boy?
B: I’m outta here. I can’t take it.

Oddly, this conversation isn’t too far from the truth.

Rose Ceremony

Rachel and Kacie B. and Lindzi already have roses. He gives the three remaining roses to:

Nikki – divorced hygienist. Will never be Ben’s wife. Never.
Courtney – Whore McWhoreson. Serious, mind-bending insecurities manifested through overt sexual behavior.
Emily – PhD who I think is funny, just not hot enough for Ben. Then I see the credits and I want to punch her again.

In the most easily predicted departure in all of Bachelor history, Jamie goes home. She’s really sad, and the makeup is EVERYWHERE as she bawls. She seems really embarrassed at her antics and I’m embarrassed for her. And that’s putting it lightly. It was bad, but hopefully she’ll recover and meet a nice dude who lets her straddle him. And then hopefully she’ll become a spokesperson for Mary Kay. Here’s hoping, Jamie…

Next week, we’re off to Belize – only five weeks left, my friends.