Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Bachelor Recap - After the Final Rose

This was all relatively predictable, no? Here’s what happened, in a nutshell.

Ben tells us that he was as horrified as America was, watching all the mean shit Courtney said and did on the show, as it aired. However, I get the nagging feeling that he doesn’t really care about how mean she was. He’s just bummed that America will think he’s a douche for choosing her (valid concern) and that it will hurt his wine business.

So in order to do damage control, he has to act like he’s really mad at Courtney. He even went so far as to break up with her for a couple weeks. Now they’re sort of back together, but it’s all really weird.

Courtney and Chris Harrison make the valid point of the night. If he was a real man, maybe he should’ve stuck by her, as he promised in the finale. He already knew his decision was an unpopular choice, so he knew there would be backlash and he fucking abandoned her. Why in God’s name am I sticking up for her?

So yeah, I think Ben is a complete pussy. As expected, he’s not ready to get married because he’s a selfish asshole. All he cares about is his wine business and getting his dick wet (wow, that was graphic). So the fact that Courtney derails his plans is what bums his out. He doesn’t give a shit about the fact she acted asshole-ish. Shit, I barely care about that now. I’m mad at HIM. Weird, no?

Anyway, he totally abandoned her, but she was pretty lame on the show, so they both suck. Can we call it a suck truce?

They broke up for a couple weeks, but now they are sort of back together, I guess. She’s wearing the ring and they think the worst is behind them. Personally, I think Ben got a taste of fake fame with all the attention he was getting and wants no part of Courtney. This will not be a real love story. This will not be a Trista and Ryan. Holy fuck, did I just write that?

I just realized two things: One, I didn’t really recap the show. Two, I haven’t made any jokes. That’s how I know I’m too involved. I’m too busy tearing them apart to make jokes! Ahhh! Make jokes now! Poop, fuck, Monica, whore, shit. Oh god, now I don’t even know how to make jokes!

JP and Ashley

Ashley and JP make a guest appearance and apparently Ashley did some crank before coming out. She is wired. Chris asks them their opinions on the Courtney and Ben thing. Ashley says that they just need to be there for each other, and that she feels bad that Courtney had to go through some of that alone. How in God’s name do Ashley and I have common opinions? Whoa.

Ashley said that it was so hard for her on the show – people called her ugly! Yo, don’t look at me. I think she’s pretty and I never called her ugly. However, her forehead IS the size of Asia. I may have said that a couple times.

Chris or Ashley, I can’t remember, make a joke about Chris getting ordained and that he’d be the one to marry them. This is JP’s face when Ashley looks at him for his opinion on the idea:

Anyway, they claim they’ll get married within the year and start trying for kids sooner rather than later. Woo hoo. One thing is certain. When she gets pregnant, she’ll never look like this:

I mean, have you seen this? This is some Large Marge. Wow.

Anyway, I’m sad to see the season end. By sad, I mean, fucking ecstatic. I’m over Ben. I’m going to start a petition to see if we can get Julia as the next Bachelorette.

Also, you need to find Jimmy Kimmel's clips on YouTube from last night. He tears them all apart and interviews Lindzi, who was super annoying. But it was a hilarious show. Proof:

Anyway, I’ll see you in May for Emily’s season, but I’ll keep bugging you until then I’m sure, with more stories about my vagina or anything else that seems stupid enough to share. Thanks for sticking with me all season – my readers are the best. Love you all.

The Bachelor Finale Recap - I think this show just jumped the shark

Three hours of the Bachelor is just a LOT. I feel a little bit like I ate an entire bag of Sour Patch Kids or something. Exhausted, completely sick, yet…oddly satisfied. And proud of myself for sticking through it.

My big three take-aways:

1) That Julia bitch is growing on me. She is one nasty bitch and I dig it. I want to get wicked drunk with her and just bash the shit out of people.
2) You know that saying, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree?” That’s true with Ben’s family. But only about their hair.
3) I am willing to bet a major limb that Ben and Courtney don’t make it longer than a year. At most.

Anyway, let’s dive in. This shit was three hours, so I’m going to have to cut corners, mmmkay?

They are in Switzerland. If you have any doubt, don’t worry, just wait ten more seconds and they’ll show the fucking Matterhorn again. And Again. “Look kids!” “We know…the Matterhorn.”

Lindzi Meets the Flajniks

Lindzi is actually quite sweet, but fuck is she boring. I have absolutely nothing to say about her for this entire sequence. But we CAN talk about his family. His mom is so damn nice I want to squeeze her. The sister is a bitch. She is a nasty, judgmental bitch and I mean that in the nicest way possible. She’s got spunk and an attitude and she will cut you. I dig it. She hates you, she will tell you to your goddamn face and not just write blogs about it. And there is something going on with her hair. Extensions? Most likely. They need a comb or some calming gel? I’m not sure. I just know that if she walked in front of an industrial fan, she would probably suffocate in her hair.

 Kind of wack, right? And maybe a little hot? I'm torn.

Ben comments that his bitchy sister rarely approves of the girls he dates. Previously, I would have thought that this meant she’s a bitch. Now I think she’s honest and kick ass, and Ben is the douche we now know he is, who probably dates complete morons. As expected, Julia ends up liking Lindzi which means Ben won’t pick her, because he likes the hot, crazy ones. Remind me why Ben thought he was ready for marriage? Somewhere in the world, Ashley and her forehead are thanking the heavens above, that she picked nice guy, JP over this fuckball.

Lindzi finally gets there and she looks terrified. She’s wearing a lot of makeup. I wonder if we threw a bucket of water on her face, what she’d look like underneath. Anyway, she looks plastic and terrified as she talks to his family. But they say nothing interesting. She keeps dropping shit, which makes me laugh. Julia takes her outside and I’m excited to see Julia go balls crazy on her. Julia takes it easy but then asks her about Courtney which is amazing. Lindzi probably does the right thing by staying neutral, but keeps saying things like, “We’re just really different.” True dat.

After she leaves, Ben’s mom and Julia tell Ben they like her, she’s nice, blah blah. Ben says to the Bachelor cam, “I love being with her. Lindzi could be my wife.” Then he tacks on, “I mean, not in this lifetime or anything, but in an alternate universe where Courtney and her vagina don’t exist. Sure, then maybe I’d marry her. But probably not there either.”

Courtney Meets the Flajniks

Ben is concerned about his mom and sis liking Courtney since they’ve been warned that she’s a vapid model from LA who hates women, and all the women in the house hated her. Gee, I wonder why Ben is concerned.

Courtney is nice and they end up liking her. I was hoping for much more drama, but even Julia seems chill. Maybe Julia wants a model friend to hang out with – one that can show her the ropes on proper hair extension technique. Or MAYBE she can see herself getting wasted with Courtney and tearing apart people all day! Wait! I want to hang out with them too!

Julia says, “She is very sweet. You can’t judge a book by its cover. I learned a lesson today.” Uh oh, she’s folding on me. Where’s my crazy, bitch, judgmental Julia? Come back! Don’t go soft on me now! (That’s what she said)

All in all, two very boring visits with the Flajniks. At the post mortem, Mom and Sis think Courtney is the better choice. Probably because they see the ridiculous whipped, orgasm-like look on Ben’s face when he just looks at Courtney. Julia says, “She’s more of what you want.” Well, she knows her douche bag brother pretty well. Ben wraps it up by saying, “If I choose her, there will be repercussions, but I will stick by her side.” This sentence comes into play at the After the Final Rose. In other words, if you think I hate Ben now, just wait.

Lindzi Date

Lindzi runs into his arms and wraps her legs around him. This rarely works in any outfit but it certainly doesn’t work when wrapped in Switzerland-appropriate snow gear. She looks ridiculous, and Ben isn’t into it. Maybe it’s because we already knew the ending, but to me, Ben is pretty damn transparent. He’s just not that into her.

They go skiing, and apparently it’s her first time skiing ever. So they go in Switzerland. On the Matterhorn.

The take a private gondola ride up, complete with a Bachelor-produced picnic. Of course, they layer on the alcohol, which is awesome. Now they’re liquoring her up…before she gets on skis for the first time ever. On the Matterhorn. Smart!

On her date, and Courtney’s, all they fucking do is talk about how they had walls up, this process was hard for them but they love Ben now. It’s seriously ridiculously repetitive. Perhaps I’m tired…this has been a loooong season.

Anyway, they go skiing and Ben helps her, by letting her drag behind him. Later she says, “I can trust Ben.” Wait for it, wait for it…here it comes. She adds, “Both on the slopes…and in life.” That’s right, people. It’s a METAPHOR for love. Skiing. And rappelling. And walking. And climbing the Bay Bridge. You get the idea.

She says that at dinner, she wants to AGAIN tell Ben how she feels (Fuck, he GETS IT already). She says she also wants Ben to know that if he chooses her, he’d be making a good decision. What the hell? She’s not a fucking mutual fund.

That night, indeed, she tells him how she feels, while wearing very Switzerland-appropriate gold mini boots with tassels. Super lodge-style. Well done, Lindziiiiii. She blabs on and on about how this feels right, she sees a life with them, blah blah blah. She ends it with, “This is only going to get better.” To which Ben responds, “Yes, it is, because I’ll be engaged to Courtney and will have unrestricted access to her vagina. Better, for shizzle.”

Courtney Date

They get in a helicopter and fly over some large mountain in Switzerland. I’m not sure what it’s called.

They spend a lot of time voiceovering themselves about how in love they are, they can trust each other, blaaaaaah. Wow, I’m over this.

 Not her best look.

They land and have a picnic and then go sledding. She throws snowballs at him while he cooks. He says, “You’re supposed to kiss the chef!” She runs over and does it ASAP. He tacks on, “I mean…you’re supposed to blow the chef!” She replies, “Whatever you say, Boss.” I’m just making shit up now, because this is so boring.

Back at her hotel room, she tells him she loves him and that she’s vulnerable. I go get some ice cream to kill some time. Enough already.

I come back and she’s giving him a present – it’s a scrapbook! Never seen one of those on this show before. I am bordering on angry now. This show really needs to change it up. I think it just jumped the shark.

The scrapbook consists of a bunch of pictures of them on their “journey”. He asks, “How did you get these?” She replies, “I was just staring at a wall last night, and the producers knocked on my door, and gave me this book, with all these pictures taped in it. They just asked me to write, “I love you, Ben!” on the first page. So I did that, but I had to double-check how to spell Ben. Anyhoo, so it wasn’t that hard. Do you love it?”

Proposal Day

Ben walks the streets and voiceovers himself for approximately 13 hours, saying he loves them both, both have pros and cons, BLAH. He says Lindzi is warm and has a glow, and Courtney is exciting and wonderful. Gee, wonder who he’ll pick?

Knock knock. Who’s there? Neil Lane. Neil Lane who? Just kidding, I totally know who you are since you already gave me a ring once. HAHAHA.

Ben is trying to gloss over the awkward fact he’s already taken a ring from Neil Lane, but Mr. Lane will not let it go that easily. He yells, “This isn’t your first rodeo, is it?! HAHAHA!” Love that dude. Man, would I like to get him drunk and pick his brain. I think he’d admit to hating his involvement with these people, but it’s good PR and he gets free trips to Switzerland and shit. Just a hunch.

The girls get dressed and I’ve muted the TV. They’re afraid of heartbreak, they love Ben, etc. Grrrr.

It’s cape season in Switzerland, and Lindzi drew the short straw on that one. Her dark green velvet cape is unattractive…but her dress under it is hot! Courtney’s winter-white cape is a little more doable, but these things only fly in Switzerland. Oddly, Courtney decides on long black gloves, which not only look ridiculous, but is a stupid choice when you might get proposed to, no? Seriously, I’m not that smart, but I would look like a physicist next to these people.

The girls get in separate helicopters to FLY to Ben. I wonder again about the flying deathtraps. If Lindzi crashed and died on the way to Ben, do you think they’d fly in Courtney anyway for the proposal? Wouldn’t surprise me with the smarmy producers on this show.

As the girls approach Ben, I realize you can see the Matterhorn in the distance! No way! The fucking Matterhorn!

Lindzi gets out of the helicopter first, so we know she’s the poor bastard to get the boot, in case it wasn’t painfully clear the last ten weeks anyway. Chris Harrison meets her with a damn good poker face on. As Jimmy Kimmel says, “He doesn’t have a poker face, he just doesn’t give a shit anymore.” Well said. FYI – Kimmel is my new hero.

Ben tells Lindzi that he’s in love with her. But then adds, “However, I’m in love with someone else too, and she’s more willing to be sexually experimental, so I’m going with her, Mmm kay?”

Lindzi does a bang-up job of holding it together to not humiliate herself on national TV. Damn good, actually, so very little drama to report there. She does say, “I feel like, if Ben really wanted to make it work with me, he would have.” Umm, so yes, correct. That’s kind of the point. He didn’t want to be with you, cause he liked her more. It’s a relatively easy concept, these break ups.

Next up is Courtney…she plops out of the helicopter and meets Ben. He starts with, “Wow, what a journey” and my husband is shocked that I then stand up and scream, “Fucking get ON WITH IT! I’m TIRED!”

He tells her that she is his forever…and he gets down on one knee and proposes to her. She’s half sobbing, half laughing, I think. She has to rip off the stupid glove to put it on her finger, and they spend a few minutes saying how they promise to love each other forever. Or for a few months anyway.

Since we’ve known he chooses Courtney for some time now, the After the Final Rose will actually be much more exciting, right? Stay tuned…

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Bachelor Recap - Women Tell All...or just spend two hours bitching

Holy crap, I could write for seventeen hours on last night’s show. I could write for ten hours alone on the three minutes of coverage about the Bachelor reunion in Vegas. Wow.

But before we get started, I have to say one thing. A lot of readers have left comments or sent me emails about who they think Ben resembles. I’ve heard Geico caveman, Rafael Nadal, etc. But by far the best one is Francine from the Arthur series. I mean, how spot-on is this?

Anyway, let’s dive into this show. First thing to note is the unbelievable douchebagness of the audience members. Please tell me they’re paid to act like this, right? To cheer and act shocked, and shake their head in disgust, etc. Because I hate them all.

Oh lord, the Vegas reunion. I would looooove to be a fly on the wall here. And by “fly on the wall”, I mean, it would be really fun to be single and make out with 90% of these guys (Casey sock-in-throat excluded) and then come home and write blog posts about it. What a fucking sex fest, wowzers. I got herpes from just watching that clip. Can you even imagine? Put a bunch of really good looking, single, desperate, drunk, slutty people in a room together, whose combined self-esteem equals that of that my kitchen sink and you have got QUITE a party. Despite the overwhelming probabilities of contracting an STD, it actually sounds fun…so what kills it, is the group of bitches who claim they are going to the reunion to find love. No, that’s like saying you’re going to a flea market to find high quality fabrics. Or calling Comcast for great customer service. Or going to Oakland to not get raped. Those things just don’t happen.

Check out sock-in-the-throat Casey making out with whoever the hell that is. Does she not watch TV? That shit has been inside Vienna. That’s playing with fire. You might as well eat sushi that’s been on your kitchen counter for three days. Not safe.

Someone comments that Ed from Jillian’s season has sexual energy and you’d know he’d be good in bed. Um really? Does nobody remember the erectile dysfunction storyline? I do. I bet Jillian does too.

The water heater guy is there, along with Ali and Frank. The people they’re highlighting are clearly the people that are planning to be on the Bachelor Pad this summer. If that’s true…well, holy shit I’m so there. (FYI – Bach Pad airs in early August, the week after Emily’s season ends. As in, no mental break between the two. Oy.)

Back to the show...

Back to the “Skanks Tell All”. I always like seeing the chicks here, since they go ALL OUT to impress the Bachelor with super slutty outfits and new hair colors, etc. I’m disappointed to see everyone looks the same, with the exception of Emily’s boobs, which look alien-like in that dress. Also, ironically, the stripper Blakeley is the most covered up. Good PR move.

We watch some clips to start the show and I immediately head under the sofa when Jamie is on. That shit does not get easier to watch.

I block the next few minutes out since Samantha, that dragon troll, is on some rampage about Blakeley. I barely remember that since it was two months ago. But MAN is that Samantha chick horrible or what? What if she was your girlfriend? Yowzers. Brittany (uh, who?) calls her a Chihuahua, which is quite accurate. I would have added in “ugly”, “bitchy” and perhaps “demon-like”, but still, it’s a good call.

Shawntel in the hot seat

For SOME reason, Shawntel is back which is seriously time-filler, I guess. She was on the show for 30 minutes this entire season, not exactly a critical plot point. But it’s fun to see Elyse, Jaclyn and Samantha get all pissed, all over again. It’s AMAZING how much uglier these chicks seem, isn’t it? The fact that their soul was hand sewn by the devil himself doesn’t help them out much.

Shawntel says she was hurt by the things they said about her. She says to Jaclyn, “I would never call someone ugly or a bitch.” Well, guess what Shawntel? I would. I’m here for you. Here goes: Jaclyn, you are an ugly bitch.

I’m totally bored. Shawntel ends it with a “But things are great in Chico, yo!” I added the yo, but it feels right.

Side note: Elyse still looks like a chick who enjoys getting pooped on during sex. Perhaps more than ever.

Emily in the hot seat

I can’t get over how logical and smart Emily is. She’s totally rational and completely dialed in to how these chicks work. She’s like me…minus all the profanity. And with a PhD. But whatever.

She tells Chris that once she complained about Courtney, she was toast because she was threatening to them. She also says such logical things like, “I wouldn’t have wanted to end up with someone who could fall for what Courtney was putting out there.” The part I liked best was when she was bitching about Courtney, and Ben said, “Tread lightly” and “Drop it”, etc. I agree it was pretty clear then, that Ben and his infected, diseased penis were ONLY after Courtney. If he respected her at all, he’d never say such asshole-like, threatening things to her. I love that she’s smart enough to figure this out. I only have one nagging question: If she’s so smart and savvy about all this, why does she still think rapping is cute?

She ends it with saying, “If he chooses her, well then he made his bed and he can lie in it.” I give her a virtual high five. From under my sofa, because I’m very uncomfortable watching her boobs in that dress.

Nicki is in the hot seat now and she doesn’t even warrant a paragraph header because it was painfully boring. Guess what – she loved Ben, they were so comfortable together, and she was blindsided by the elimination. Blah blah blah.

Kacie B in the hot seat

She too, was blindsided, by her elimination. Hopefully after watching the episode back, she gained some clarity and realized her father cock-blocked her. I assume she won’t use such language though.

She admits that Ben doesn’t have the same values as her, and that was their demise. Well, if that’s not the understatement of the year, I don’t know what is. Ben is a whore, kind of a slimy human and has the maturity of a banana. Kacie may still want to hide her own puke in her shoeboxes, but I’ll give her the “better human” award for sure. She also says, “He couldn’t see us together on Christmas, in my house.” Ummm, YEAH, that’s safe to say. I don’t think Jesus Christ would feel comfortable in that house. Even He couldn’t live up to Kacie’s Papa’s standards.


We watch some Courtney clips and spend awhile bashing the shit out of her. Samantha is clearly WACK jealous of her since she’s beautiful and Samantha is well, the opposite of that. Kacie hated that there was a split personality. Nicki hates that she kept telling Ben that she tried so hard with the girls, when she didn’t.

Here are my thoughts on this. She doesn’t give a shit about hurting these chicks. Why should she? They all pretty much suck and she’s not friends with them anyway. She is there, 100%, to patch her image back together. I feel a little bad that she’s so dumb and got herself into this mess. Didn’t she THINK they’d air all her mean comments? So she’s not smart, but I think she’s probably bummed out that America hates her.

She comes out and she really doesn’t do much to help herself. She cries a lot, which makes her look more human and less evil-robot-like, but I don’t buy that she feels bad for being mean. I think she feels sad that she’s hated and got herself into this mess. The times she cries the hardest is when she complains that the tabloids are tearing her up. There’s a difference between the two, yo.

She says sorry a lot and says she’d change things and has some regrets, but it feels a little empty. She doesn’t show much emotion so that doesn’t help her here. The chicks are still pissed and it doesn’t matter because they’ll never really hang out together again anyway. Until Bachelor Pad, that is.

Ben in the hot seat

I liked Ben at first, then started to doubt him since he was kind of an asshole. Now I think he’s pretty much garbage. Ben, you’re not as cool as you think you are. Your 15 minutes are almost up and these chicks will do better without you. Well, maybe not Jaclyn. Or Samantha. They suck as much as you.

Chris Harrison tells the girls to ask Ben questions and every single one of them asks him a personal question about themselves – “Ben, why didn’t you like ME?” They sound like a whiny bunch of dipshits.

He tells Emily that he wanted her to focus on THEIR relationship, which is total garbage. He just didn’t like her, so stop fucking lying. I wish my girl, Emily would pipe up here and tell him what an asshole he was when she came to him with concerns. Don’t you have a rap about that? Dammit.

Most chicks come on this show to do damage control, so they can once again come across as normal and can return to their normal lives with a shred of their reputations in tact. Like Jenna, who not only looks hot, but is clearly medicated to keep quiet. I’d say this show helps her reputation, no? Anyway, guess who DOESN’T do her reputation any help here? Jamie. If I had to be anyone on the show, I would have been most horrified to be Jamie. I will never recover from even WATCHING the straddling-Ben scene, and mouth exploring. But not only does she NOT defend her actions, but she tells Ben to call her if things don’t work out with the gal he picks because she would still like to get to know him. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen anyone so un-self-aware. Did she not watch her episode? Maybe she was under her sofa too.

Ahhh, the outtake reel. My favorite! And this is by far the worst outtake reel of any season. It proves how friggin boring Ben is.

The finale preview looks super boring. The After the Final Rose will be the real gem next week. If I’m still awake by then…three hours next week, yo? Not cool. (Who appreciates my usage of “yo”?) Anyway, then we have a couple months to recover before Emily’s season begins in late May…I need a drink.

Side note: As the credits roll, we see Monica giving Jenna a tampon saying, “Will you accept this tampon?” I admit, I laugh. And I really want Monica to guest post on my blog. Love that chick.