Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Honest Bachelor

Seriously, Bachelor fans. This is some funny shit. I was almost crying watching this...David Spade as Ben is funny enough, but the crap he spews is amazing. "This is going to be a Toyota fuck-a-thon", or "Oh there's junk in the truck. Junk in your face." Or my favorite: "This one over here looks like she just rolled in from getting finger blasted at a Lil Wayne after party."

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Fun with Google Analytics

I’ve been scouring my Google Analytics reports and not only has it given me some huge laughs, but it’s also a tad concerning…

Let me back up. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Google Analytics, I’ll give you the dumbed-down version. Basically, I can check out statistics for my blog. I can see how many visitors I have, whether they’re “returning” or “new” visitors, how long they stay on the site, what site they’re referred from, and approximately 5 million other things. It also tells me how many visitors come to my site from Google. The FUN part is that it also tells me what people entered into the Google search box to find me.

Nine times out of ten, people Google “Jen F blog” or “Jen Bachelor Blog” or something along those lines. Then sometimes it’s more specific. Then sometimes, it’s downright fucking scary. Sometimes the words they Google are so weird, I have no clue why it points them to my site. Check out some of the things people have Googled that have led them to my site:

Most of the time it’s Bachelor related, but even those are funny sometimes:

- bachelor ben naked penis (Anyone find what it looks like? Let me know)

- ben bachelor fucking stupid (True dat)

I’m sure a lot of you know that I decided to write a blog post about my harrowing experience with laser hair removal. Well, I say vagina about a hundred times in that article so I understand when those key words point to my site…but MAN are there a lot of you Googling shit about your vagina. Wow. Here are some of those keywords:

-jen f bachelor blog a tale from my vagina (this makes sense)

-have hair on my vagina and my friend doesn’t is that weird (No it’s not weird. Your friend probably lasered it off, duh)

-do women with weird vaginas go in to get a Brazilian wax (Honestly? Probably not)

-my vagina hurts and I feel like I smell (Go to a doctor. Get off Google. I repeat, go to a doctor)

-vagina smells like feet (yum!)

-jen f vagina (the fact that more than one person Googled “jen f vagina” is beyond disturbing.)

Finally, there are those few Googled phrases that are beyond amazing. I have NO IDEA why Googling any of the below things would lead to my website. But I got a good laugh from them:

-why do people like being pooped on during sex? (Let me know if you find out. I’ve always wondered that. Maybe that was me who Googled that…)

-my slutty friends want to fuck my husband (Odd that you’re turning to Google for answers on this dilemma)

-2 pretty Brazilian girls get bored and start playing with their shit! the girl shits on the other girls face and feeds it to her using her foot (I’ve seen that video and it’s fucked up.)

-bike ride pussy smell (my favorite…)

-gf riding cowgirl for two loud yelping orgasms (Huh?)