Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Best Fan Mail Ever

Every now and then, I get "fan mail" from really nice readers who want to tell me I'm funny and to thank me for wasting my life writing recaps to make them laugh. I love getting fan mail. But this one below takes the cake - how awesome is this? Read it. It's from a dude.

Hi Jen F,

Long time reader, first time emailer. I'm a guy in my mid-twenties (is 28 still mid-twenties? I say it is!) and I just wanted to thank you - your blog has meant a lot to me, and I'll tell you why.

It all starts when I got my first real job after a couple years of being stupid after college. The job (which I still have now) is at a mid-sized company.  My team has a pretty skewed gender ratio - with a dozen women and just me and one other guy.  My boss immediately decided that she hated me (not entirely without reason -- I was much better at being stupid than at having a job) and the first couple months were pretty hellish. 

One thing I started noticing was that after meetings or during down time, she would often chat about the Bachelor/ette with our coworkers.  They would laugh and laugh and those of us who didn't watch the show were left out in the cold.  So one evening, I closed my blinds, got drunk (another thing I used to be really good at), and watched The Bachelor.  Next day, I turned my fuzzy recollections of the show into my first non-work (and first non-I-want-to-strangle-you) conversation with my boss.  It was great.

So, of course, I had to keep watching.  At first I told myself I was watching ironically, or as a sort of homework, but pretty soon I realized that filming crazy people losing their shit on a journey to find love makes for pretty good television.  And at work I was now "Guy Who Watches The Bachelor" not "Guy Who Forgot To Reply To My Email And I'm Pretty Sure He Was Drunk At Monday's Meeting" - I was part of the club.  My boss and I were getting along.

Fast forward a couple years.  Two things changed.  First, the little cringe of shame for humanity I felt when I started to watch the bachelor/ette was turning into a full body migraine.  The show was still entertaining, but it made me so depressed and angry, and I would regularly shout at the TV like a crazy person.  It probably didn't help that this was around the time I stopped drinking.

The second change was that I moved in with my girlfriend.  She's not really a "TV person" in general (the one flaw in an otherwise completely beautiful person) and I was pretty sure she wouldn't be super turned on by her boyfriend tuning in to any program - let alone the Bachelor - every week.  I decided not to reveal this dark corner of my life (was it a mistake to bring that lie into our relationship? - you tell me).  But I still needed to have that conduit to my boss's not evil side.  At first, I tried watching online when I was alone, but one time my girlfriend came in and I slammed my laptop closed really suddenly.  I think she thought I was watching porn, so no harm done.  But I had to figure out another way to get my bachelor fix.

Enter the blogosphere.  I started just reading bachelor recaps on various blogs.  They were worse than the actual show - most sounded like they were written by Chris Harrison's overly enthusiastic teenage daughter.  "So-and-so's in sunny Barcelona this week - and he looks better than ever.  How is he ever going to choose between these three stunning young women?" Gee!

I came across your blog when I was looking for someone who would call out how stupid the rappelling date was a few seasons ago.  And I've been a devoted reader ever since.  I haven't watched the show in a couple seasons but I still know everything that happens, and I can still talk the talk at work.  And I don't have to read Chris Harrison's daughter's horrible blog to do it.  AND I find out which contestants like getting pooped on.  Win win WIN.

Thank you Jen F. You saved my career.  You saved my relationship.  If we get married and have kids - I'm not going to name our firstborn after you, because naming a child after a reality tv blogger I've never met would be stupid.

Guy Who Watches The Bachelor

The Bachelorette Recap - I have no compromise, people.

Soooo it’s not the most riveting season thus far, but hey, I’m still entertained. Mostly by Emily’s friends. Anyhoo, here goes.

We start the week by Emily’s mom making her breakfast in bed. Which is odd since Emily is already fully showered and made up. If she’s not and that bitch actually wakes up looking like that, then I’m more jealous than previously thought. Again, it's God's way of making up for her mind-numbingly stable personality.

Chris Harrison, in his twenty second role this week, congratulates the guys by telling them they’ve made it this far and there are only 16 of you left! Um, 16? As in, each guy has a 6.25% chance of marrying Emily? Yeah…congrats…on that.

He also tells all these tight-shirt-wearing dudes that there are three dates this week – a group date and two one-on-one dates, with a rose on each one. Let’s get started with overly emotionally involved Chris…

Chris Date

Chris, the 25-year-old Corporate Sales Director from Chicago, is so excited because he sees this date as his “time to shine”, something no straight man should ever say. Side note: Later on in this episode, Emily comments that she likes Arie because he doesn’t look like he’s trying too hard. Chris? Looks like he’s trying to hard. Waaaay too hard. Case in point: Walking with Emily 16 seconds into their date he says, “I’m so excited to be here, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world!” I mean, easy dude. Play it cool. Did he never learn that? He sounds like a crazy 20-year-old-chick. I actually like him, so I need him to chill out. That shit even scares away girls…

They climb a building for love, which just sort of looks like they’re being dragged up the side. And of course, as you know, love is exactly like climbing a building, so if they can just make it through this, they’ll be together forever.

Overexcited Chris comments how Emily looks “unbelievable in a harness!” I cringe. Does he realize what he just said? He just as well could have said, “She is going to look so hot with my ball gag in her mouth, dangling from my sex swing.”

He tells her that if she gets scared, just to look at him and he’s got her back. Riiiight. This is where I would have said, “I appreciate that, but you couldn’t do shit if this wire failed, so shut the fuck up.” Again, one of the three millions reasons I would never have been chosen as the Bachelorette.

Lightning begins to flash in the distance and I get nervous. Get off the damn building, people! At last, they reach the top. Un-athletic Emily does it in just under seven hours. They toast their success. No really, get off the goddamn building.

As they sit down to dinner, Chris and his love boner are still erect and he can’t shut up. Now he says he digs Emily but “then the accent comes out and I’m absolutely floored.” Really? Is an accent that hot? I should start using my Canadian accent more then. “Hey, I’ll take a grande latte, eh?” They’ll probably give it to me for free, they’ll be so turned on.

At dinner, Chris tells them he’s only been in one relationship, over six years with his high school girlfriend. This is when things become clear. He hasn’t stuck it in enough girls yet. That’s why he’s so whipped on Emily already. He tells her that he’s 25 and despite the fact she’s only 26, she’s horrified that he’s so young. He tries to make her feel better by saying he’s so mature! He says, “I’ve been through things in my life, like I left home at 17 to go to school and that matured me.” Ummm, didn’t almost all of us leave home at 17 to go to COLLEGE? I left the state to go to college and I’ll tell you what – it did NOT mature me. I humped mere strangers, ate Taco Bell daily, drank like an alcoholic and pooped in a sink once. Let’s be honest – going to college at 17 isn’t that groundbreaking and certainly did not prepare me for parenthood. Although my son recently pooped in a sink and I knew how to clean it up? Thanks college! (I never pooped in a sink. Fuck, even I have limits. I peed in a few though. And vomited.)

After dinner, they watch a private performance by Luke Bryant. And by private, I mean they stand in the middle all alone, and 500 spectators are forced to watch behind ropes. And who the fuck is Luke Bryant? I have no idea, but I’ll take him naked on top of me any day of the week.

Chris wants to kiss her and asks her, “Is it OK if I kiss you at the end of this song?” Oh lord. I get the respect thing, but that’s just yucky. Most girls want you to kiss them, so just try. Don’t fucking ask. How awkward. Be a man. Take control. I picture them in the fantasy suite in six weeks, “OK Emily, your breasts feel very tender. Next, may I enter you now?”

He caps off his over-excited, I’m-a-bit-of-a-pussy date by saying his kiss with Emily was “the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced in my whole life.” I like him, I do. He seems super nice and sweet, but too much softness. And too much overexcited-ness. Please chill. The. Fuck. Out.

Group Date 

The group date this week is for Charlie (fat but sweet, metal in the face), Alejandro (no chance in hell mushroom farmer), Stevie (Jersey DJ), Ryan (Trainer, Douche), Alessandro (Crane Merchant, will get his own reality show after this week), Sean (Super hot but perhaps too in love with Jesus Christ), John but you can call me Wolf (enough said), Michael (Ponytail Poet), Doug (Dad, Dad and Dad. All he talks about), Jef with one F (oddly hot), Tony Fitness is my Passion (pussy who misses his son) and Travis (Egg guy).

The gang heads to a park where Emily ventures off and meets her friends. She says hello, they chat and she tells them that they will get to meet and interview all her guys today. This one doesn’t look pleased about it:

Emily brings the guys over to meet her friends and they don’t look too pleased either. The interviews are rather amusing though.

Travis introduces his egg to her friends. Really, why, Travis? Why? He calls it Shelly. Emily’s most ornery (and obviously my favorite) friend, Wendy, asks Travis if he fertilized the egg himself. This is gnarly and SOOOO something I would have said. The only difference is that I would have known just how disgusting my words were but I don’t think Wendy realizes she just asked a total stranger on national TV if he ejaculated on an ostrich egg.

Sean’s interview is…OK. He’s seriously hot, albeit a bit too over-exercised if you ask me. I have concerns about him. He talks a lot about how his Dad taught him to be a man for the last 28 years. He says this maybe four times this episode and it bugs me for some reason. It just sounds a little cheesy. He also says “We’re a family centered on faith.” I’m not religious, so I don’t get it…and I don’t want to take that away from anyone. Sure, be religious. Love God, all that good shit, but when you talk about it that way, I fear it borders on the crazed religious type, you know? But if Emily is that way, then these two are destined, so more power to you.

Wendy wants to molest him and I want to high-five Wendy. This chick and I could be cougar moms together. Don’t you think we’d be friends? We both seem a little pissy, we like the younger men, and make inappropriate jokes. I dig her.

Anyway, after a series of interviews, Emily (clearly being dared to create the most painful date in the history of the show) calls a bunch of kids to a playground and makes the guys play with them. What parents volunteered their kids for this, by the way? “We need some kids to play with a bunch of hot guys to test whether they’re good with kids.” OK I’d do it – If I could watch.

Later on, Ryan finds Emily to chat. Somehow it comes out that she’s not allowed to get fat. Ever. If she did, he wouldn’t hump her anymore. That’s the gist of it. What a douche bag.

They head to dinner or cocktails afterwards, where Emily chats with the guys again. Sean tells Emily that he wants someone who wants him to lead her. Oh Lord. See what I mean? The overly religious, overly old-fashioned dudes say shit like this. Stop it. It’s 2012, dick. Some chicks don’t want to be led anymore. We want to be taken care of ON SOME LEVEL, but not full-blown “led”. I’m not blind and leg-less. Chill out. I have no idea what that means.

Tony still misses his son. A lot. He cries to Emily. Well done, dude. Crying dudes are SUCH a turn on. Emily tells him that he needs to leave because let’s face it – there’s no way they’re ending up together anyway. She says it with a bit more Southern tact than I have, but that’s the gist.

Sean gets the rose from the group date, by the way. He led her mind to do that.

Arie Date 

Arie, the 30-year-old racecar driver from Scottsdale, gets the next one-on-one date. He’s cute and normal. But really, can she really date another racecar driver? I don’t know.

Anyway, they take a plane to everyone’s favorite dream date locale – Dollywood! I don’t know anyone who would like this place, except for my friend, Ericka, who secretly wants to make love to Dolly. I like Dolly – she’s spunky. Downright scary looking, but she’s got spunk so I dig her.

Emily comments that she loves how chill Arie is. He better be, because you just fucking took him to Dollywood.

They hang out, riding trains, eating crap, when Emily tells us that she doesn’t “do” roller coasters. Seriously, she’s just a bag of fun, no? What DOES she do?

They sit on some stage and pretend to write a love song, which is a horrid idea, when out pops Dolly! Emily says she could die, and that this is the best moment of her life. Arie looks…less excited, but he’s going with it. She plays them a song, Emily chats with Dolly and then she plays them another song. Despite my fascination with Dolly’s face, I’m getting bored here.

Later, they head to dinner where Arie asks Emily how she would deal with Arie’s crazy car-racing schedule. She says she’d welcome it because she likes her own space. Ahhh, the sign of true love – when you enjoy being away from each other.

She gives him the rose and they make out on a merry-go-round. I would totally puke doing that.

Cocktail Party 

Highlights from the cocktail party:

• Kalon tells Emily he’s wearing glasses because thanks to her, he had the week off! Ahhh, nothing like a little passive-aggressive asshole behavior to start off your conversation. He then tells her that he wishes she’d shut the fuck up so he can finish his sentences. Again, not EXACTLY his words, but they’re actually not far off. Maybe he didn’t say “fuck”. But he might as well have. What an asshole. Emily tells the Bachelor cam that she doesn’t like “tall, skinny and condescending”. I would have told the Bachelor cam that I don’t like, “tall, troll-like, sunburned, asshole who talks like he has a penis stuck in his asshole which he probably has had at some point in his life.” Again, another reason I wouldn’t be a prime Bachelorette.

• Travis tells Emily to smash Shelly, his egg. She does so, happily. His days are numbered, but I’d say getting rid of the egg buys him another week.

• Alessandro. Hold on. He gets more than a bullet point.

Alessandro is a fucking idiot. He’s also a gypsy king, in case you were wondering. He’s talking to Emily saying that if he married Emily and became a father, he’d be taking a compromise. Despite the fact that he’s 100% sure he’s using the word correctly, I’m pretty sure he’s not. I think he’s a dick and quite stupid, but I’m honestly not sure he knows what compromise means. Emily says, “The guy I’m with will see my daughter as a bonus. Don’t you see it that way?” He says, “No, I don’t.” OK So even if he’s confused about compromise, he’s pretty darn sure about that.

Sooo, she walks him out. She looks pissed. Also, what is she wearing on her feet?

In the limo, Alessandro says he’s a gypsy king living with all the freedom he’s ever wanted…which is just confusing as to why he’d want to go on the Bachelorette and date a woman with a kid. So he’s gone…Emily is pissed but finds solace with Arie’s tongue in her mouth.

Finally, she chats with Sean again who tells her that – you guessed it – his father has taught him how to be a man for the last 28 years and he’s ready to be a step-dad. I don’t know – he’s saying good things, but something is rubbing me the wrong way. He leans in to kiss her and this bitch WANTS it. This is not a kiss you give your grandfather. Check it out:

Rose Ceremony 

So Tony Fitness is my Passion, and Alessandro have already gone home. Arie, Chris and Sean have roses already from their dates this week. That means Emily has 10 more roses to give out, sending only one more poor bastard home.

Roses go to:

-Jef with one F – 27, Entrepreneur, Salt Lake City. I seriously want to marry him. I have no idea why, but he’s so my favorite.
-Charlie - 32, Recruiter, Nashville. Metal in his face, scared of public speaking, still a bit fat, didn’t speak once this week.
-Doug - 33, Charity Director/Realtor, Seattle. He’s a Dad. Just so you guys know. He’s a dad. Yup. A dad.
-Michael - 26, Rehab Counselor, Austin. Has literally not said one thing on camera yet this season. Has hair in a ponytail. He could be hit by a bus next episode and nobody would notice.
 -Travis - 30, Advertising Sales Rep, Missouri. Egg dude…and certainly not going to be here for the long haul.
-Alejandro – 24, Mushroom Farmer, San Francisco. He also has a rat tail. I would bet my left leg he doesn’t marry Emily. I mean, come on.
-Ryan - 31, Pro Sports Trainer, Augusta. Hates fat chicks, complete douche bag and I want to punch him in the testicles.
-John but you can call me Wolf – 30, Data Destruction Specialist, St. Louis. Picture this: “Welcome to the Greenbrier, Ms. Maynard. Who is your guest today? Well this is my fiancé, John but you can call him Wolf.” See? Just not happening.
-Kalon - 27, Luxury Brand Consultant, Houston. Gives Luxury brands a bad name. And Houston. And men.
-Nate - 25, Accountant, LA. He doesn’t speak but he’s hot, so therefore, my second favorite.

Which means poor Stevie heads home. His dreams of being a DJ at the Greenbrier’s 4th of July party have died. Buh bye, Stevie.

In the end credits, they show Alessandro being interviewed by Emily’s friends. He says to them, “I’m a gypsy, I have no compromise.” See?!? He doesn’t know what it means. He’s using it here instead of the word, “home”.

Another week down, kids. Only 13 men left…which is funny since I could easily narrow it down by half right now, with complete confidence. Like she’s going to marry mushroom farmer? Egg guy? Meathead Ryan? Penis-lover Kalon? This show won’t get good until we’re down to the top five…so hang in there with me, folks. If I’m watching this shit, you have to too.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap - More exciting: Emily or Muppets? Toss up.

I need a poster board detailing all these boys. 19 left? For the love of god… Anyway, let’s get started.

The show starts with Emily and Ricki (daughter, not dead fiancé), hanging out with some of Emily’s friends in a park, chatting about the show, because you know – we’re in Charlotte, and she’s home, yo. As an aside, no way these chicks are her actual friends. Emily is friends with all the hot, young ones. These ones are older…and…how do I say this without offending…less hot. And also ethnic-ish. The Producers planted them there to help with the whole discrimination thing.

Anyhoo, Chris Harrison tells the guys there will be two one-on-one dates this week and a group date, with some poor bastards not getting a date at all. Emily has a rose to give out on each date, blah blah blah. Ryan, the 31-year-old “pro athletic trainer” from Augusta, Georgia, gets the first one-on-one date. And he sucks. Here goes.

Ryan Date 

Emily picks Ryan up at the house, which looks like a scene from a movie about ridiculous meatheads. What douche bags. Anyway, Emily takes Ryan to her house where she makes him unload groceries. I think he is hoping this is an early fantasy-suite date in her room, because he is visibly disappointed when he realizes he has to make cookies instead of playing hide the sausage with her. Then they take the cookies to Ricki’s soccer practice, and I am dangerously close to turning off this TV. We GET it, Emily. You’re SO REAL and normal and just Mom, but this shit is boring. And don’t you dare fucking say you’re wearing Mom clothes. Those are not mom clothes. Mom clothes are baggy sweat pants, no bra, a stained shirt, and old underwear, all worn over a body that hasn’t seen a shower in 48 hours. Stop prancing your hot shit all over saying, “I’m just a regular old mom”. Fuck off, you hot whore. And yes, clearly, I’m jealous.

Ryan says it’s a great honor to be a part of her day…liar. Emily drops him off (somewhere?) to get ready for dinner. She picks him up in a one-shoulder red dress and they apparently go to a movie premiere. Oh no, wait, that’s just a restaurant but the people in Charlotte have lost their mind and somehow think Emily is Justin Bieber. At dinner, the conversation is interesting. She asks him how many girlfriends he’s had. He says, “Ummm, two that have meant something.” He almost adds on, “…and about 172 that haven’t.”

No way these two are a good match. Ryan is looking for the hot, vapid, mildly slutty 20-something, and Emily is a 65-year old mother, trapped in a 26-year-old body. She says she fears guys will think this is a competition (um, it’s not?) and it’s not all about a cat and mouse chase. She says, “OK, you got the girl, the chase is over.” And he says, “Why does it have to be over?” Because you fuck head…you’re going to be on diaper duty and making breakfast at 6am for those rug rats. You pay bills and stop having sex. It’s called marriage, you fuck. It’s not your bullshit cat-and-mouse chase. My feeling here is that he just doesn’t get it. Emily’s life will be BORING to him about four minutes after the show ends.

As an aside – Emily is not dating. She is job interviewing these guys for the position of husband and daddy. There’s a lot of fucking grilling involved. Chill, girlfriend. She has no idea how to have fun.

Anyway, she gives him the rose and they dance on an elevated platform to a fun country band, while the on-lookers stare up Emily’s dress at her pretty Southern lady parts. And they don’t kiss, by the way.

Group Date 

The group date is for Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, John, Jef, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Aaron, Stevie and Kalon. Kalon is the one we all hate. And in case not EVERYONE hates him, he says he’ll love this date and “I embrace the stage, I’ll be in my element.” See? So easy to hate.

Emily takes them to a theater where she tells the guys they’ll be performing. This is a test. The guys you WANT to marry are the ones who are NOT happy to do this. Like Charlie…love him. Guess who fails? Kalon, who is “in his element” and Stevie, the Party DJ from Jersey who is grinning ear-to-ear and says to Emily, “Let’s have some fun!” He too, embraces the stage.

Emily also tells them they’re raising money for her dead fiancé’s charity. She’s super excited. This is exactly how she says it: I’m super excited. (Note there is no use of capital letters or exclamation points. She is seriously personality-less.)

This whole segment turns out to be a promo for the Muppets, and it’s terrible. Terrible. Not terrible like Emily’s taste in dresses (which are hoooorendous by the way), but terrible in the sense that it makes no sense why producers think this is a good idea. And they make Emily act and chat with Kermit, but I don’t see what happens because I head under my couch at this point. Cant. Watch.

I come back out from under my couch when I see that Chris Harrison has also been forced to participate in this shit segment. He sits next to one puppet (I don’t know his Muppet name), but it’s clear why the producers picked him. Matching noses.

Charlie has metal in his face from an accident and tells Emily he can’t perform since he still has speech problems, but that seems like a lie since he sounds completely normal. I bet he’s lying to get out of this fucking date, which makes me love him even more. Still might be fat though.

They open the show with a dance number and again we see how God has equaled things out. Sure, Emily is gorgeous, but not only does she not move her face when she speaks, but she is an insanely bad dancer. They’re not even asking her to dance – just wiggle to the beat, but low and behold, she can’t find that beat.

Side note: Stevie looks like he’s going to have an orgasm on stage, he’s so stoked to be there.

The show drags on, some comedy, some Dating Game-type scenario and it’s all horrible and long, and I would cry if I were in the audience.

They head to an after-party…somewhere…where Emily sports another bad dress. Maybe in the South, these dresses are classy and stylish, but to me they seem crazy tacky and overdone. Southern readers – chime in here. Do you all dress like you’re in the Ice Capades?

Emily chats with Jef with one F and I still love this guy. Why? I don’t get my feelings, but I’m going with it. This dude turns me on. Maybe it’s the fact that he looks like he doesn’t give a shit. There’s no “I sang with the Muppets! Does it get any better than that!?” (That was Tony Fitness is my Passion, who said that, by the way.)

Emily gives the rose to Jef because she wants to get in his pants. High-Five Emily and your stiff face and voice with no intonation whatsoever. High. Five.

Joe Date 

Funny Joe gets the next date. He’s the 27-year-old, Field Energy Advisor from Orlando. He’s the one that jumped out of the limo and yelled, “EMILY!” which immediately won him points with me. Which means he won no points with Emily.

She takes him on a private jet to West Virginia, and they head to the ultra-posh resort, The Greenbrier. I don’t know this place, but I’m PRETTY sure you’re not supposed to wear pink and purple plaid shirts there. Joe.

They go swimming where Emily does this:

Note to self: Teach my daughter to jump in a body of water without having to hold her nose or she’ll look like a complete dipshit. I mean, how hard is it? You blow out your nose really hard when you hit the water. Not difficult, Emily.

Back at the house: Single Dad Doug gets in Kalon’s face for making a stupid remark. I don’t even care what the remark is. I just like that Doug keeps saying, “Stop. Just check it.” My husband walks in the room, “Hey, want some ice cream?” I reply, “Stop. Just check it.” This is where my husband is like Jef with one F. Doesn’t give a shit - He just walks away, realizing it’s Monday night.

Side note: Anyone find this attractive? I can name 400 people off the top of my head I’d rather see naked on top of me than this guy:

Back on the date, Emily realizes the spark is missing. For someone who is solely interested in filling the open “husband” position on her employee roster, she cares about “butterflies” a little too much.

After dinner, she says that Joe is so sweet and makes me feel so comfortable (kiss of death), but she doesn’t think he’s the one (probably because he has a personality). Despite the fact that he puts a wish in the fucking love clock that says he wants to come back one day with her and Ricki (daughter, not dead fiancé). What else does the woman want? Love? Geesh lady.

She cries as she tells him goodbye and I vow to find Joe and see if he’ll come live with me…and my husband…and Jef with one F, if he’s game.

The producers have already paid for the fireworks display, so they force Emily to watch them alone from the balcony. This one looks like it’s coming out of her head:

Cocktail Party 

Cocktail party is boring, as usual. Probably because Emily is there.

  • Arie tells Emily life in Scottsdale is exciting. Unlike her. 
  • Tony Fitness is my Passion tries to talk to Emily but she’s busy reading Ryan’s 18- page love letter…so he stands over them and waits. I’m under my sofa. What’s more awkward – the fact a 31-year-old man wrote an 18-page letter or the fact Tony is standing listening. I love the guys watching outside – the best part of the show. One is yelling “confidence killer!” over and over. Love it. 
  • Tony tells Emily he has a five-year-old son. The guys think this will win points with Emily. In reality, the irony is that she doesn’t want to inherit a kid. She wants a fresh guy, with fresh sperm that can knock her up ASAP. 
Holy crap, I only have three highlights? This chick needs some life pumped into her. Oh wait, there’s this: What happened to this guy? Yikes.

Rose Ceremony 

Jef with one F and Ryan already have roses, which means Emily has 14 more to give out, sending only two home. Holy shit, two? Shoot me now.

Roses go to:
  • Kalon – 27, Luxury Brand Consultant, Houston. I don’t get it. So unattractive. 
  • Arie - 30, Race Car Driver, Scottsdale. Cute, sweet. But do we really dip into the pro racecar driver well twice? 
  • Michael – 26, Rehab Counselor, Austin. Oh lord, now it’s in a ponytail. 
  • Nate - 25, Accountant, LA. Hot. Mama like. But I don’t think he speaks. Probably OK with Emily. 
  • Sean - 28, Insurance Agent, Dallas. Hot, like really hot. I like him. A lot. But little role this week, which scares me. I want him to stick around. 
  • Chris - 25, Corporate Sales Director, Chicago. Awww, this poor bastard seems sweet but has the self-esteem of a rectal thermometer. 
  • Doug - 33, Charity Director/Realtor, Seattle. Self-righteous single dad. Just check it, Doug. 
  • Travis - 30, Advertising Sales Rep, Madison, Missouri. No idea. 
  • Tony - 31, Lumber Trader, Beaverton, Oregon. Fitness is my passion, people. 
  • John but you can call me Wolf - 30, Data Destruction Specialist, St. Louis. You just don’t marry someone who asks you to call him Wolf. You just don’t. 
  • Alessandro - 30, Crane Merchant, St. Paul, Minnesota. Sunburn victim. 
  • Charlie - 32, Recruiter, Nashville. Metal in his face, not into performing and SUPER cute. Fat? 
  • Alejandro - 24, Mushroom Farmer, San Francisco. Not a chance in hell, but still around. Gone next week for sure. 
  • Stevie - 26, Party MC, New Jersey. This is a joke, right? Stevie just wouldn’t fit in at the Greenbrier.  
Therefore, Kyle (Financial Advisor) and Aaron (Biology Teacher), both from Long Beach are sent home. They both look rather pissed, actually. Kyle says when your heart gets broken it’s the worst feeling in the world. Uh, dude, you’ve been on ONE date with her, and there were 12 other guys on the date. And your heart is broken? Don’t tell me guys aren’t crazy too.

See you next week friends. And the week after that. And the one after that too.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap - I'm Jen but you can call me Wolf

Another season is upon us, friends. I always enjoy the Bachelorette more than the Bachelor because it’s fun for me to picture myself in Emily’s spot and how hard I would laugh at these douche bags. It’s also much more fun to watch dudes melt down than chicks. And believe me, guys can lose their shit just as easy as us emotional bitches.

We start with a little recap of who this Emily character is, and why she’s the Bachelorette. Yes, her fiancé died in a plane crash and she found out she was pregnant with his baby the week after he died. Side note…this bitch is 26, so this plane crash action happened when she was 18. That’s right, 18. Do you want me to tell you what I was doing when I was 18? Having unprotected sex like Emily, I’m sure, so I’ll let that one slide, but I certainly fucking wasn’t engaged. To a famous race car driver. Anyhoo, let’s talk about her age. She’s 26. She’s a mere puppy, for fucks’ sake. 26? That’s 12 years younger than I am. I act about 12 years younger than her, however, and she acts 30 years older than me. Yeah yeah, she had to grow up fast, but she seems way too boring to be 26. Also, I’m old as fuck apparently.

Let’s move on. Brad Womack chose her during his season, they got engaged, and broke up. So now America is just dying to see Emily get her happy ending, right? That’s the spin anyway. I think I like Emily because I feel bad about what’s she’s been through, but I just think she is super boring. And let’s face it – the two of us would NEVER be friends. I’d crack one joke with the word “fuck” in it or make a joke about a dude pooping on some chick and she’d be horrified. Her sweet Southern ears couldn’t handle my ass, that’s for sure.

So that’s Emily. The cameras follow her and Ricki around for awhile. (Not to be confused with Ricky, her dead fiancé). She tells Ricki to get out the sugar bugs (aka brush your goddamn teeth, kid). She puts her to bed and climbs into her big bed all alone, except for the camera crew. She says she gets lonely after 7pm – that’s when Ricki goes to bed and she’s all alone. This makes sense, but you know what I do when my kids go to bed? Get drunk and watch the Bachelor. She just needs to be more creative with her down time.

Some of the Men 

Chris Harrison tells us it’s time to meet some of the guys…Here we go. God, this is fun.

Kalon – 27, Luxury Brand Consultant, Houston. He actually introduces himself as “a young, fun, good-looking guy with a few dollars in my pocket.” He’s REALLY easy to hate. First of all, I hate him for saying he has money in his pocket. Second, he looks like a fucking smarmy piece of shit. I also love how he says he’s reflected on life and isn’t a womanizer anymore. Womanizer? Who would actually hump this guy? No woman would do that. He was probably more of a hookerizer.

Ryan, 31, Pro Sports Trainer (for kids?), Augusta. He’s pretty cute, and pretty normal. I have high hopes. Weird shaggy hair…but Emily can fix that.

Tony, 31, Lumber Trader, Beaverton, Oregon. He says, “My passion in life is fitness.” Aaaaand fuck you. I hate anyone who says shit like this. I’m all for being healthy and working out, but saying it’s your passion is ridiculous. Chill the fuck out. It’s exercise and you do it to stay healthy and look good. Just say that, you douche bag. And don’t bring Bachelorette cameras to the gym with you and work out shirtless. Asshole. I bet that every day on Facebook he writes something smug about exercise as his status update: “Great workout! 20 miles is such a great runners high!” Not surprising his wife cheated on him, so now he’s a single father, blah blah blah.

Lerone, 29, Real Estate Consultant, Los Angeles. You know the Bachelor franchise is being sued for discrimination, right? So they add one poor black guy to the mix. He doesn’t stand a chance…not because he’s black but because he’s a large dude with a teeeeeeny dog. Just weird.

David, 32, Singer/Songwriter, New York. He wrote a horrible song about Emily. It’s called “Emily” and the only lyrics are “Emily, Emily, Emilllllly”. I hate him because he says things like “Emily is well-postured and refined.” WOW, he would not like me. But that’s OK, because I would not like him. He’s gross. I bet he’s really soft when he has sex, and tries to always make it all meaningful and shit.

Charlie, 32, Recruiter, Nashville. My favorite, hands down. I love him. He might be fat.

Jef, 27, Entrepreneur, Salt Lake City. He’s “misunderstood” because of the way he dresses. Nooo, probably because of his hair. I like that he’s the CEO of a bottled water company and that he gives back. And I like him WAY more after the cocktail party. His intro here and his entrance into the house (more on that later) is less than stellar.

 I'm oddly attracted to him

Arie, 30, Race Car Driver, Scottsdale. He’s cute, and seems sweet and a little normal. I just can’t get past what fucking dicks the Producers are.

That’s enough for now. Chris sits down with Emily who is nervous. She is wearing a really cheesy, ice-skating-like dress, complete with a lot of mesh. Yikes. And she really needs to stop doing THIS:

 I know...great photographing my TV skills.

Chris and Emily chat, where she makes it no secret that she wants BABIES. Lots of them. And a minivan. And by the time this happens, Ricki will be 13 and can babysit her kids while she bangs her new husband. Genius. Chris then asks her why the fuck she made the entire production of this show move to Charlotte. She replies, “So I can keep this situation normal for Ricki.” Chris replies, “But he’s dead, I don’t think he cares where you film?” She says, “No, my daughter, Ricki.” Then she says, “It’ll be great because I can still wake up and give her breakfast and do all that regular mom stuff.” Yes, and then come home at 3am wasted every night after my dates with 10 guys. Or bring a different guy home every night for six weeks. And have cameras watching you brush your teeth. Totally norms.

Limos o’ Guys 

She’s so excited that she wants to smile, but her teeth are so big she can’t close her mouth around them. Just an observation. The limos pull up. Here we go:

Sean, 28, Insurance Agent, Dallas – Snazzy dresser, weird swagger, but CUTE. Mama like, mama like.

David, Douche songwriter. Still hate him.

Doug, 33, Charity Director/Realtor, Seattle. He’s a hugger, is that ok? No, be a fucking man and don’t say shit like that. Again, I want to hold a class to teach these people how they should behave. He’s a single dad and he plays that card again and again. And again. He asks, “How’s Ricki doing in all this?” Emily replies, “Well, he’s dead, so he’s OK with it…I think.”

Jackson, 29, Fitness Model, Illinois. Oh boy. He’s a fitness model because he needed to perfect his body to take the emphasis off his face.

Here’s what Emily says to every guy. It’s all she says. Every time. “Hi, thank you. You’re so sweet. I’m glad you’re here. Bye.” She is sweet, yes, but BORING.

Joe, 27, Field Energy Advisor, Orlando. It’s almost like he senses how boring Emily is and needs to spice it up. He yells, “EMILY!!” as he gets out of the limo. Immediately I like him.

Arie, The race car driver – still normal, still sweet, still hot.

Kyle, 29, Financial Advisor, Long Beach. Financial Advisor is the job the Bachelorette people note down for you if you have a crappy job or no job. It’s like the blanket term for any job. Therefore, I assume Kyle is a host in a Chinese restaurant.

Chris, 25, Corporate Sales Director, Chicago. He actually tells a sweet story about his dad, but it makes him look a little like a total pussy. But I like the story.

Aaron, 36, Biology Teacher, Long Beach. He’s cute but then he ruins it by saying, “I’m a biology teacher but I’m here to have chemistry with you”. For real…what would ever make him think that’s cute? These people are hopeless. Emily responds with, “ Well, I failed both so I have lots to learn!” Mmmm, OK, that’s one way to answer. She also tells another guy during the cocktail party that she’s not athletic at all. So she’s dumb and not athletic? That’s why she’s hot. It’s God way of equaling things out.

Alessandro, 30, Crane Merchant, St. Paul, Minnesota. He’s from Brazil but lives in Minnesota. I don’t see this going anywhere.

Jef, The misunderstood entrepreneur. He whizzes in on a skateboard and then coolly tosses it in a bush, by far the coolest move of the night. You want to hate him, but you can’t. He’s sucking me in. Love this guy.

Lerone, Booooring.

Stevie, 26, Party MC, New Jersey. He brings a ghettoblaster, and dances. Do the young kids these days call it a ghettoblaster? Let me know. That’s what I call it, since I’m from the street. And old. Anyway, this is so bad, I can barely watch. His legs move as if independent from his body…like Michael Flatley, minus the whole Irish angle. Add in some Jersey shore flavor, and this all equals the fact that no contestant in the history of the show has ever been more mismatched for the Bachelorette than this dude.

Charlie, My favorite. He walks in after Stevie and says to Emily, “I hope you don’t expect me to do that.” See? Love him.

Tony Fitness is my Passion, He says he’s prince charming and puts a glass slipper on her foot. I literally would have kicked him in the face. She asks, “What was your name again?” She then adds, “I need to remember NOT to call that name during the rose ceremony.”

Randy, 30, Marketing Manager, Hermosa Beach. I have no idea why he thinks it would be funny to dress up as a grandmother. But he does and she doesn’t laugh…but she doesn’t really laugh at anything, so that part is not surprising, but for once I don’t blame her.

Nate, 25, Accountant, LA. He’s hot and she tells him that he smells good. I can’t smell him through my TV and even I agree. He’s hot. I bet he does smell good…while he’s naked on top of me.

Brent, 41, Technology Salesman, Fresno. He puts on a nametag. Small, but brilliant move, actually. I would have appreciated that. Unfortunately, it won’t make up for the fact he has SIX fucking kids already. Emily is probably thinking, “His six kids plus Ricki…that’s seven, I think. That’s more than a minivan can hold, therefore, there will be no room for my new babies.”

John but you can call me Wolf, 30, Data Destruction Specialist, St. Louis. I’m sorry, he’s a what? He destroys data? He probably works for one of those shredding companies. He drives a truck around to businesses, picks up documents to shred, goes to a warehouse, where he takes his clothes off, oils up and rips everything manually while screaming, like a werewolf. Wow, how did I get that? My mind sometimes freaks me out.

Travis, 30, Advertising Sales Rep, Madison, Missouri. He has an egg with him that he says he will protect, just like he’d protect Emily and Ricki. I don’t get it. Is it like that high school experiment where you have to take care of an egg for 24 hours? I would love to be a guy in that house and fuck with him by tossing it around, hiding it in the toilet, peeing on it, cooking it, etc.

Michael, 26, Rehab Counselor, Austin. Respectable profession. Not respectable hair. There’s just something off-putting to me about watching a dude put his hair behind his ears.

Jean-Paul, 35, Marine Biologist, Seattle. He’s nice and a little nerdy. But say it with me, people: You don’t want this guy having an orgasm on top of you. Yikes.

Alejandro, 24, Mushroom Farmer, San Francisco. I love how he speaks in Spanish and tells her he’s from Columbia. She then stutters to spit out, “Hola, I’m Emily.” And he then breaks out in perfect English. Dick.

Ryan, still cute and normal-ish.

Of course, Kalon that big douche, flies in on a helicopter. I have no idea why he thinks that’s a cool idea. It makes him look like a big douche bag. I guess chicks like guys with money – sure…but they also want normal guys where money isn’t their reason for existence. Plus his face freaks me out.

Cocktail Party 

Here are some highlights from the cocktail party. It was boring…

• Chris gives her a bobble head of him…and her with green hair. He makes them role play and she’s even boring doing that.
• I’m pleased Emily likes Jef with one f. She says he’s cool and she hopes that he thinks she’s cool. He doesn’t. You’re not. But you’re hot enough.
• Doug again plays the friggin single dad card all night long. It works…she gives him the First Impression Rose. I don’t like him. I think he’s nice and means well, but way too nerdy and passive. He’s not striking me as a man’s man. He’s probably also a soft love-maker. (I’m making it sound like I enjoy the rough stuff. It’s not that… I just want to have sex sometimes and not have it be a fucking romance novel.)
• DJ and Kalon hate each other, which is a sad attempt at creating drama. They’ll both be gone within two weeks anyway.
• Arie tells her he’s a racecar driver and asks if that’s OK. She says yes, it’s OK. She loves racing and it’s the only sport she really knows. You can almost hear the producers yell, “FUCK! She can’t even make THAT interesting and drama filled. We are screwed.”
• I love Sean. I don’t remember why. I just wrote in my notes that I love Sean. So I’ll go with it.

Rose Ceremony 

There are so many damn people at this rose ceremony that Emily is forced to burn through it in record time before people fall asleep. Roses go to:

Chris – Bobble head guy. Jury is still out on him.

Ryan – Cute, shaggy haired dude with potential. Stay tuned.

Kalon – Chopper Douche.

Arie – Dead Fiance Race Car Driving Clone.

Charlie – Love him. But maybe fat.

Jef with one F – Quirky and not that hot, but I am totally smitten with this guy.

Nate – Hot LA Accountant who smells good. Would be willing to have him naked on top of me.

Sean – Love him too…Insurance Agent from Dallas with little role tonight, but he’ll go a long way cause he’s hot and normal.

Joe – Life of the party guy. She picks him so she seems fun but there’s no way she’s marrying him.

Kyle – Besides being a host in a Chinese restaurant, I have no idea who this is.

Aaron – Biology Teacher. No idea who he really is.

Alejandro - Guy pretending to be from Columbia but really from San Francisco. He has an earring. It ain’t happening, buddy.

John but you can call me Wolf – I hate that he’s called Wolf, but he’s hot and normal. Besides that you call him Wolf.

Alessendro – I need him to be eliminated soon because I hate trying to decipher him from Alejandro.

Michael – Who? Oh yeah, do-gooder with ponytail hair.

Stevie – Ghettoblaster. If he marries Emily, I will shave my head.

Tony – Dork Charming.

Travis – Egg dork.

Therefore, the six who were sent home were:

Jean Paul – Marine Biologist who says getting dumped by Emily was like “My heart fell on the floor and got trampled.” And that was after night one. I would have loved to see him lose his shit after two weeks.

Lerone – So that’s not really helping the whole discrimination thing.

Brent – Poor bastard with six kids. He’s not a poor bastard because he was eliminated. He’s a poor bastard since he has to go home to six friggin kids. Wow.

Jackson – Fitness model with bad face. He strips at the end to show us what Emily’s missing. It’s not much. I don’t find that attractive. Even less attractive? The fact that he’d probably be checking himself out while humping you. Gross.

David – Songwriter. Ahh, the poet. So sad. Go write a song about it.

Randy – grandma dude. Clearly, not a winning plan.

Down to 19. Wow, that’s a lot. I think this shit goes all summer. Emily is boring as my coffee maker, but the show might still entertain with some hotties and some mega dorks in the mix. See you next week.