Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap - My Jef love is at an all-time high. I even want his puppet naked on top of me

We’re down to six guys. And by six, I mean four. Actually three. The top three was obvious five weeks ago and it’s more obvious after this week. As if she’ll marry that pussy, Chris? Puuuleaese.

The gang is in Prague this week and the four who get roses this week get to take Emily home to meet their families (always a highlight episode – weird sisters, horrendous wallpaper and other weird middle-America shit).

Sean is excited to be in Prague. He tells the Bachelor cam this (and while you’re reading this, say it in a robot voice. Or a monotone, slow, boring voice): “I’ve never been here. I want to soak up the culture and spend time with Emily.” God, that’s boring. He’s hot, I’ll give him that, but too muscular and I’m not sure how much super fun time I’d have with him. Know what I’m sayin?

Smitty is there! Smitty is a name that some friends coined for Chris Harrison. It makes no sense and nobody knows why we named him that, but it totally works, right?

So Smitty gets a trip to Prague and tells the guys there are three one-on-one dates this week and one group date. The only rose is on the group date. Let’s dive in (that’s what he said).


No reason for that picture. I just want to look at him. It’s my new computer wallpaper. My husband is totally stoked.


Arie Date 


What the fuck is she wearing? South, weigh in here. Are these shorts the norm out there? I couldn’t live there, if that’s the case. Do you wear this shit for preschool drop-off too?

Despite the very fancy shorts, Emily claims NOT to have a plan for today. Let me guess – you want to walk around and shop? Pretend you’re there with your husband? On your little holiday? Where the fuck are your thirteen kids you want to have with this new husband? At home? While you’re in Prague? Good luck with that. If you want to see how life will REALLY be with your new husband, you should stay home, not shower, cry in the closet sometimes, clean toddler feces off your kitchen table (that’s right, I said kitchen table), do some laundry, clean chocolate off a window and go to bed and THEN realize you forgot to talk to your husband all day. Sex in Prague? Totally almost like that.

Anyway, Arie and Emily walk around and make out a lot. Arie claims he has a lot invested in her…like his emotions and feelings. Welllllll, we didn’t really think you had anything ELSE invested in her? Like money? Livestock maybe? What?

They order something called a “hot one” at some street food cart. I’m sure that’s not the real name but I like “hot one”.

They stumble across a bronze dog that you’re supposed to rub for loyalty. Emily tells us that Arie is keeping a secret from her. She says, “It’s weird to rub a dog for loyalty when he’s hiding a secret from me”. You know what? It’s weird to rub a bronze dog for loyalty no matter what. Also, I hope they brought that hand-sanitizer gel stuff.

Smitty’s back! He tells us that many years ago, Arie had a very brief relationship with Bachelor producer, Cassie. Cassie told Emily about it, so they decide to have an interview with Emily about the situation…but despite the fact Cassie puts a microphone on her and points a camera at her, I don’t think Emily realizes it’s an interview. Also, it’s one of the most unprofessional interviews I’ve ever seen. Emily says, “It’s just weird because it’s not a production thing, it’s a real life thing.” Ummm, you have a MICROPHONE on. It’s now a production thing.

 CASS DAWG - This is what all the drama is about?

Skip to Arie and Emily’s Date. “What’s important to you in a relationship, Emily?” “Not having secrets.” “OK I have a tattoo. What else is important?” “Not having secrets. That’s all. That’s the only thing that matters.”

Anyway, Emily is just pissed that Arie didn’t tell her about it upfront. Smitty (he’s back!) tells us that Cassie, Arie and Emily DID have a discussion about it together, but it was not filmed for TV. Assholes! How selfish.

Smitty concludes by saying Emily forgave Arie and decided it’s not that big of a deal after all. Side note: This is about thirty times the amount of work Smitty normally does in any given week. He must be EXHASUTED.

Back on the date, they’re hanging out on a boat or a pier, I don’t care. They are CLOSE talking. If my husband were in my face like that, I’d be all, “Back off, yo. Why you all up in my grill? Shit.” But Emily looooves Arie and his bright red neck zits. Arie tells her that he loves her and they make out – very wet and slow-like. Yummers.


John But you can call me Wolf Date 

Honestly, why is “Wolf” still written next to his name? I’m the only one who even mentions it. I love it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s odd that it’s still there.

Guess what they’re doing on their date? Walking the streets! Bingo! They write on a wall, they walk around. That is what my notes say from this segment.

They write on a wall and walk around. There was also some nonsense about putting a lock on a fence but I have faith it was boring.

They have dinner in a dungeon and Emily expresses concern about John not being able to open up. She’s concerned he won’t let himself fall in love. This can be translated as “She is concerned she won’t like him.” I love that she never says, “You know what? I didn’t like him. I don’t want him on top of me naked and I don’t like him all that much. There’s nothing there.” Cause that’s what she feels, so say it, sister.

John explains he’s a slow-starter. He’s a closer. Well, a girl can’t hear that enough! I love to date “closers”. Giving yourself that title makes it sound like you fuck around all night at the bar, barely talking to anyone, and then right before the bar closes, you grab three bitches to take home and hump, all at the same time. Seriously, sometimes I have no idea where these thoughts come from.

They kiss a little but it is painfully clear Emily isn’t picking him to be Mr. Emily Maynard.

He comes home from the date and Sean oddly decides to run around the streets of Prague looking for Emily. With a camera crew in tow. These camera guys have been busy filming all day and they’re so excited to put those heavy things down and sink into a crappy Prague hotel bathtub…when Sean says, “Come on, guys! Let’s run around Prague!”

He finds her, which is so stupid. Of course he did. You think the producers would just let him run around all night with their poor cameramen? He finds her and says, “I just wanted to see you.” She says, “This is a nice surprise.” He says, “I know.”

She looks smitten-kitten with this one. They go have a drink…or maybe they just use a table in some café to make out at. Anyway, they make out because the conversation is too damn boring. He walks her back to the hotel but pins her up against a wall on the way home and dry humps her. Ahh, to be in junior high again. Ye ole dry hump. Memories…


Group Date 

Let me tell you who ISN’T pleased about the group date? Little fucking bitch girl, Chris. What a little whiny bitch. Part of me likes him – he seems very sweet and nice, but he is SHOWING his age. Wow. And he’s painfully, painfully insecure. This whole episode is about how sad he is, how much he loves Emily and how pissed he is that he doesn’t get the one-on-one date with her.

A horse-drawn carriage pulls up and Pissy Pants McGraw barks, “We’re all going to fit in there?”

On the flip side, Dougie had some serious uppers this morning: “Today is going to be an awesome day! A castle! Woo hoo!”

Once they arrive at said castle, Emily and Doug have some one-on-one time, or as Emily calls it, “My justification for sending Doug home, stat.”

They talk, but Doug is practically facing the other way with his arms crossed. I agree with Emily here that his body language isn’t exactly portraying “I want to love all over you.”

She decides it’s time for Doug to leave. She’s trying to give him the boot - explaining that they don’t have a romantic connection and that there’s been NO movement in their relationship, and he oddly picks THAT moment to lean in and kiss her. Guess where I am? Hot damn, yes, under my sofa. Please. Stop. Talking. Eeeeeeeek….

He leaves while shouting, “Have a good one! See ya!” I’m now searching for the remote to turn this off because under the sofa isn’t good enough. I need this shit off. I’m sooooo embarrassed for him. Poor guy. In the car, he says that his girl radar is off. I’d say not only is that true, but it’s the understatement of the year. He’s so right…He’s been in daddy land for so long, that he forgets how to be normal around a girl. He needs to date. Get back on that horse, Dougie!

The group date has horrifically turned into an awkward-city, two-on-one date. Chris claims he’s not intimidated by Sean at all. Really? Did you have bullshit for breakfast? Liar. I’M intimidated by Sean, so sure as shit you should be.

Again, Sean and Emily don’t have much to SAY so they just make out a lot. He probably tried to grab her boobs by now too. If he could find them through that silky tarp thing.

Chris has one-on-one time and tells her he’s pissed at her for not giving him a one-on-one date, but despite his anger and pissiness at the Bachelor cam all day, he’s nice to her and it’s just another boring conversation.

Emily gives Sean the rose but she might as well as just given it to his penis. That’s what it’s all about with this guy, right, ladies? He’s hot. And nice, yes, but I’m not seeing anything exciting. Besides his penis.

 Glad this isn't awkward!


Jef with one f Date 

The date card says, “Jef – this is your chance to pull at my heartstrings.” God, he’s so hot. Emily wants him too. That card might as well say, “This is your chance to pull at my vagina strings.” But then wait…a vagina string sounds like a tampon. Jef, this is your chance to pull at my tampon string – well that just sounds like a different type of date altogether. Oh God, gross. Forget I said anything. Let’s move on.

They’re walking around Prague (shocking) and come across a creepy doll store. They buy horrendous looking versions of themselves, and Jef actually goes back in to buy Ricki one too, which is kind of nice, I admit.

They go into some library where they decide to reenact their relationship up until now with the creepy puppets. Seriously, who had this idea? Cassie, that slutty producer? GREAT idea.

Jef’s puppet tells Emily he’s a million percent in love with Emily’s puppet. It’s actually cute. Don’t get me wrong, if it were Chris doing this, I would be calling him a total pussy but when Jef does it, it’s perfect and endearing. I am blinded by my love for him. Holy shit I love him. Love.

Four hours later, they’re STILL sitting in the library, talking about all the kids Emily wants yesterday. She says that there aren’t many people she could lay on the floor with and still be really happy. Just Jef. And maybe Arie. And Sean, but only if he didn’t talk and just made out with her.

He ends the date by rolling on top of her, kissing her and saying, “I want to date you so hard and marry the shit out of you.” She laughs. Notice how Sean or Arie don’t make her laugh? OK, yes, I’m a little biased, but if Jef hadn’t won me before, he just did. I heart him. And yes, that includes him naked on top of me. Sigh.


Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

Jef tells the Bachelor Cam that it’s either Chris or John but you can call me Wolf who are going home tonight. I love that it’s SO obvious, even to the other guys, that the show is letting the guys narrate what will happen.

Chris keeps whining about the fact that he has a lot to say to her tonight. Shut up, already. He does look pretty pissed though:



Emily tells Smitty that she doesn’t want a rose ceremony because she already knows what she wants to do. Ohhhh Chris is NOT going to be pleased about this. Smitty tells the guys this news. What I wouldn’t do to read Crazy Chris’ mind right now. On the other hand, John but you can call me Wolf is rather pleased. He says, “I just closed the deal. Game over. Rose is mine.” This makes me laugh. Even if it WAS true, and she got rid of Chris tonight and gave John a rose…he wouldn’t last one more week. Has he not SEEN Jef or Sean? Geesh.

So Sean is the only one with a rose already. At the rose ceremony, she gives one to Jef and then Arie. Duh. The last rose comes down to John or Chris…and Chris asks to speak with her in private. It’s pretty tame – he just apologizes for not making it easy on her yesterday and for acting like a boy and not a man. He’s not ready for it to end, blah blah blah. Begging is NOT attractive, so in my mind I keep telling him to chill out and sound normal. He does a decent job, I guess. Aaaaand she gives him the rose.

John is pissed, but I’m sure Chris didn’t change her mind. She’s never been into Wolf, despite his closing abilities. I’m sure she was planning on giving the rose to Chris all along. Whatever.

Emily walks John out and says she didn’t want to meet his family if she wasn’t 100% sure where they stood. Here, I’ll decode for you: “I didn’t want to meet your family because I just don’t like you that much. I like the other guys more. I mean, have you SEEN Jef or Sean?”

Emily toasts the remaining guys, saying, “Sending John home was hard, but I’m so confident in the three of you I have here. I mean, four… right, right. I forgot Chris is still here. Four, yes.”

Needless to say, it’s pretty obvious the top three will be Sean, Arie and Jef. That’s my prediction (and I don’t read spoilers). I hate to say it but I think it will come down to Sean and Arie, leaving my poor Jef heartbroken and all alone. I wonder if having a 37-year-old married mother of two smartass blogger lying on top of him naked would make him feel better? Worth a shot?

See you next week, peeps.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap – Jef in a kilt. Mmmmm. Yum.

We’re down to eight this week, and I’m still bored since it’s pretty obvious who the final four will be. That’s when things will get interesting…right? Please?

They head to Croatia this week, but I’m pretty sure someone had a typo on the itinerary, and they were supposed to land in Scotland instead. More on that later.


Travis Date 

Poor Travis gets the first one-on-one date this week and it’s clear from the get-go that this is doomed. There is so little chemistry between them – it would be like me walking around town with a coat rack. Very dry…very boring. He seems like a nice guy, but there’s just nothing there. Remember Casey “Guard and protect your heart” guy from Ali’s season? I always said his voice sounded like he swallowed a gym sock. Well, Travis sounds like he swallowed a cotton ball. It’s not as bas as Casey, but there are similarities. Also, his voice inflection is weird – it gets REALLY high at the end of every sentence. Kind of annoying. And don’t even get me started on the naked-on-top-of-me criteria. Ain’t happening.

They go shopping and walking around town. They find a rock ledge sticking out of a wall – if you can stand on it and take your shirt off, you’ll be lucky in love. I’d bet a lot of money the producers made that up. Or some drunken Croatian dude made it up at 3am while walking home from a bar.

Travis gets up on the ledge but doesn’t take his shirt off. Yes, this is honestly what they waste time on. They need to cut these episodes to 1.5 hours. I don’t need to see this.

Travis is ready to “bust out of friend zone”, and it’s safe to say that if you are actually muttering this sentence, you ain’t busting out of it anytime soon.

Side note: Back at the hotel, Ryan is wearing this. What the?


Back on the date things are growing more grim for poor Travis, as Emily says things like, “I feel like I can be myself around him.” She might as well have said, “I think I’m going to poop on the floor next to the table at dinner tonight. I feel THAT comfortable with him. It’s so great.” I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Needless to say, dinner is a disaster. Travis admits he hasn’t so much as kissed another chick in two years, so his boner keeps toppling the table (not really). She is not turned on by this information. I like poor Travis, but he’s coming across as a little desperate and pussy-like. Poor guy…I think he’d be a good catch. If you’re into that sort of thing.

She tells him she can’t give him the rose because she doesn’t think they have that romance connection. Well he has it, since he’d like to bang hot Emily, but she doesn’t. So basically, she should just say, “I just can’t picture you on top of me naked.” Because that’s the truth, right, people?


Group Date 

The group date is for Jef with one f, Arie, Sean, Doug, John but you can call me Wolf, and Chris. In a painfully obvious plug, they watch Pixar’s new movie, Brave…which takes place in Scotland. I guess Pixar didn’t have any Croatian-based animated movies coming out this weekend?

They head to a theatre for their private screening. Just what every guy and girl want – to watch a fucking two-hour cartoon with five other dudes. And could they be sitting any farther from the screen?



Emily sits next to Jef and for the record, I would have totally stuck my hand down Jef’s pants during the movie.

After the movie, Emily forces them to wear kilts and short-sleeved shirts, despite the obviously cold temperature, and ride a donkey to a field. There, they are forced to compete in the Highland Games, a series of three embarrassing tasks. Also, why I am totally turned on by this?


Let’s talk about the donkeys for a minute. There is no way this is true – no way that it’s customary for Croatian men to ride donkeys into battle. How inefficient would that be? And if they’re wearing kilts, does that mean their balls are just rubbing around on the hairy donkey’s back? Gross.

The first task is archery, and the guys do really well, except Chris, who looks completely insane. His ass sticks out and he is awkward and embarrassed. He shoots his arrow into the ground. I’m not into the muscle thing at all, so being strong wouldn’t impress me, but you can’t look like this either. Yikes.

Next they flip a log over and Jef and Chris are disqualified because it didn’t flip all the way over. Jef somehow looks endearing when he throws his, but again, Chris looks awkward-city. Sean breaks his log because he’s so strong which does little to impress me, but Emily is hot and bothered. Mama like.

Then there is some weird task where two guys each hold onto a log, trying to pull the other one over it. Chris and Doug compete against each other, and poor Chris loses. However, Doug really loses since he is facing Emily during the competition while making this face:



Oh God, what if that’s his orgasm face?

At the end, Emily gives Chris the “bravest” award. He’s excited but I’m horrified for him. This is like the award they give the worst athlete in class but the one that “tried the hardest” or something. It’s not a compliment.

Emily pulls Chris aside for some one-on-one time and she leans in to give him a peck, but he sticks around, in the kiss for way too long and they end up making out. I don’t think she’s feeling it. Or maybe that’s just me? Yup, ok, that’s just me. Again, he seems like a nice guy, but kind of a pussy.

The next stop on this never-ending date is the after-party. They just drink and take turns making out with Emily, basically.

Sean and Emily chat, and he tells her that he has strong feelings toward her. Wow. How romantic. These two are perfect looking and perfect for each other on paper. And probably have some physical chemistry. But there’s absolutely nothing interesting here either. I don’t think she’ll pick him in the end. It’s too easy or something. I can’t put my finger on it. She tells him to “keep that confidence even when things get harder”, so she plans on keeping him around awhile.

Arie and Emily take a walk and in the best move I’ve seen in awhile, he sort of pins her up against a wall and makes out with her. This is what I’m referring to when I say these guys need to stop being such pussies. Don’t ASK me if you can kiss me. Don’t make ME make the first move. Make a bold move like that – it’s hot. However, do NOT caress my face when we kiss. So ooogly. Yuckers. And stop making your slurpy tongue slow and sloth-like in my mouth. Easy Arie.

Jef with one f and Emily snuggle for awhile and I am seriously in love with this guy. It’s a little odd how much I want to be naked with him, if I’m being honest. What’s the appeal? He’s hot, confident, quirky and so damn cute. But he does say the word “like” a whole lot. A lot. So that’s annoying. But I’d, like, still totally get naked with him.

That’s about all for the group date. Oh, Emily gives the rose to Chris. I’m surprised, actually, because there is very, very little appeal to him being naked on top of me.


Ryan Date 

Oh Lord. This is comedy though. Ryan voiceovers himself for awhile, while he’s getting ready, saying things like, “I know what I have to offer as a man.” He also says that he looks in the mirror every morning and asks himself, “Who do you want to be today?” He comments that most men don’t do this. Ummm, yeeees, correct, most men don’t do that. Why would they? Does Ryan sometimes say, “Who do you want to be today, Ryan?” and then he answers himself, “How about a lion? ROAR!” or maybe, “I’m going to be a gay jockey” or “It’s Wednesday! That means it’s space shuttle day! Vrrrrooooom!”

She picks up Ryan and before they even leave the hotel, he’s being cheesy and embarrassing and Arie pulls a Jen and almost hides under the sofa. Besides the intense sloth-kissing, I think I like Arie.

Emily likes Ryan because he’s playful, fun and charismatic. I get it. But he’s such a douche bag. He’s the guy we all dated when we were 22 (See previous post about band dude who cheated on me. Definition of charismatic douche. Great guy, fun, cute…horrific boyfriend.)

Anyhoo, they drive around and apparently Ryan is Croatia’s worst driver or the people of Croatia have serious road rage because there is a lot of honking. They go “oystering” on a boat, and I’m pretty sure that’s not the official term for it. She puts one in her mouth and has to spit it out over the side of the boat. Ryan is not impressed she’s not a swallower.

They chat on a bench and he blabs on and on about her being a trophy wife. Can someone please tell him that’s not a compliment? Fuck, shut up, dude. Emily comments that she likes him…sometimes. Her opinion goes “back and forth on him hourly”. Ahhh, true love.

At dinner, he tells her that he wrote down the 12 qualities he’d like to find in a wife. They are such things as “Logical, not overly emotional” (good luck with that, dude. You are marrying a WOMAN, right?) and “nurturer, unselfish, a server” yet “confident, magnetic sexy and beautiful.” This guy is so confused. He basically wants to marry a supermodel with a great personality, yet one who has absolutely nothing going on in her own world so she can dedicate herself 100% to making everyone but herself happy? And despite that she has nothing for herself, she should have rocking self-confidence? She doesn’t exist dude. And by the way? You’re an asshole. Are YOU going to offer HER anything? How about a list of the things YOU can give to Emily? I love that he wants someone un-selfish so she can wait on him and his selfishness all day.

Here’s what my list would say: Someone who makes me laugh, and laughs at my jokes. Someone who takes care of me and the kids, but has his own interests too. Someone fun to be with. Someone kind and loving. That’s it! Of course, there would be thirty other things on that list that I would NEVER share with him, like he can’t chew with his mouth open, he can’t caress my face when we kiss, he can’t talk to me during sex and he can’t be a total pussy. He also can’t be an annoying man’s-man, where he insists he HAS to go hunting every weekend or some bullshit like that. And he can’t be selfish. Holy shit, maybe I’m an asshole too.

After the list, Emily lets Ryan know he’s not getting the rose tonight. He fights her on it, saying she’s making the wrong choice, and he needs to show her the man that he is. The show does a good job of editing, because I actually think she’ll change her mind. He’s talking her into it and this is where being a Southern lady has its drawbacks. She doesn’t know how to tell him to leave, gracefully. If you’re like me, you can just say the truth: “You’re a douche bag. You’re really funny and cute, but you made a fucking list of what you want in a wife and showed it to me at dinner, forgetting to tell me anything you can offer me. Also, your list is bullshit. You make it seem like if I take a yoga class and leave you with the kids that I’m a selfish fuck. Well guess what? You’re the fuck. Get out…you fuck.” See? There are perks to being blunt, rude, and non-South.

Anyway, she sticks to her guns and gives him the boot. Yay!

In the taxi, Ryan says he’s shocked. He also says he built great friendships with the guys in the house – cut to the guys celebrating his departure. He also says he hopes that he’s edited not to look like an arrogant ass. Oops.


Arie Visit 

Arie claims he’s worried about Emily since she’s been so busy kicking guys to the curb this week. It’s just an excuse so he can go stick his sloth-tongue in her mouth for awhile, but whatever. It’s nice, I guess. He busts into her crappy Croatian apartment and tells her he wants to chat with her. He tells her Ryan would not have been a good husband for her and then sticks his tongue in her mouth. Veeeery slowly and veeeery wet. Lots o’ tongue. I like him but I can’t handle much more of the slow-motion kissing.


Cocktail Party 

Emily claims she’s probably going to send either Doug or John but you can call me Wolf home. Well, duh. But then Wolf shows Emily his grandparent’s funeral cards in his wallet and starts to cry. He claims that his dead grandparents move the chess pieces of his life. (?) It’s like a rule – you can’t send someone home after they cry about a dead person, so I should have seen this ending coming.

Anyway, she sits with Doug for a bit, who I will now refer to as TPD (Total Pussy Doug). TPD is acting fake humble because it’s really just PID (pussy in disguise). He seems so insecure and unconfident here – not a turn-on. Emily forces him to put his arm around her and he looks like he’s going to die of discomfort. I’m almost under my sofa, but I have to hang around to see if Doug starts crying too. He waits until he’s behind the scenes with the Bachelor Cam, but he doesn’t disappoint:


He’s crying, I think, because he knows he needs to man-up and make a move, but he didn’t. So he fears Emily will send him home.


Rose Ceremony 

Hey, Chris Harrison is there? What the? They fly his ass all the way to Croatia and he only makes a two-minute appearance at the rose ceremony? What gives?

Chris already has a rose and Emily has four more to give out. She gives roses to:

-Sean – Meathead. Bible beater. Hot, nice but boring.
-Jef with one F – My favorite. I want to put him in my pocket and take him home and make love to him all night long. The really dirty kind.
-Arie – Slow kisser with abundant tongue, but seems like a real dude with a sense of humor. I like him.

She has one more rose to give out. All of a sudden she looks like she’s going to puke and walks out without saying a word. Seems a smidge rude, no?

She runs outside to find Chris Harrison, who clearly makes no production decisions whatsoever, but they always like to make it seem that he does. He’s busy hitting on some producer…Chris tells her there are no rules here and she can do what she wants. Oh REALLY? Emily then tells Chris she would like to have a four-way with Sean, Arie and Jef – sending everyone else home, and the four of them will travel the world for five more months (with Ricki in tow of course), humping on every continent until she decides who she likes humping best. No rules my ass.

Anyway, she has a cryptic, edited convo with Chris Harrison. She goes back inside and tells the guys she can’t give away the final rose…

Pause pause.

BECAUSE?!?! She wants an extra rose so she can give one to both Doug and John but you can call me Wolf. Puuuulease. There is no way she’s marrying Pussy Doug or Wolf Man. Why prolong their presence? Geesh.

Anyway, so we’re down to six guys, but clearly we’re actually down to four. So we’ll see if she gets rid of John and/or Doug in Prague next week. And we get some dirt on the Producer scandal too. Apparently, Arie dated a producer on the show years ago, and this chick was a buddy of Emily’s, so she’s going to be pissed. Rightfully so, I say. Should be good stuff. Hopefully Emily shows “back woods Virginia” anger and not “Southern” anger.

See you soon!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap – I want to go back woods on Jef, if you know what I mean.

The gang arrives in London this week, which is bound to annoy London. Chris tells the dudes there will be three dates this week – two one-on-one dates and a group date with a rose “up for grabs” on each date.

After they check-in to the hotel, Sean (the 28-year-old Insurance Agent from Dallas) gets the first one-on-one date card. Sean comments, “She’s the ideal woman for me.” So let me get this off my chest. It’s clear everyone looooves Sean. But I don’t. Here’s why. Sean is all about this image of the perfect Southern woman. Remember he made a bunch of creepy comments a few episodes back about how he wants a woman who will let him lead her? And how his Dad taught him to be a man? Blah blah blah? It might be coming off wrong, but I get the MAJOR impression that he wants the good, Southern, sweet wife who will bow at his feet, be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen and let him run the show. It just feels like he’s looking to fulfill a checklist. I could be off. I’m known for being a tad judgmental, in case you haven’t noticed.


Sean Date 

They tour London on their own double-decker bus, which actually sounds fun…until Sean does this:



Aaand they’re touring. Mmm hmm. It’s…you guessed it…boring. The two of them together don’t exactly exude television dynamite. Look kids, Big Ben. We know.

Parliament.

There is really nothing interesting that happens on the ENTIRE date…with the exception of Speakers Corner. Remind me to never, ever go to a place called Speakers corner. What a nightmare. For some inexplicable reason, Sean decides to get up on a bench and preach about love. Aaaaaand I’m under my sofa. How horrifying. I would have died. The mom in me would’ve come out full-force. I would’ve grabbed his arm and whisper-screamed, “You get your ASS of that bench RIGHT now”.

It’s just cheesy. And it’s also an outward expression of emotion – two things that make me highly uncomfortable. He starts talking about love and my discomfort turns into anger. Get the fuck down.

They have a picnic snack and Emily asks him when his last date was. He says it was four months ago, but it was only one date. She just didn’t have the qualities he was looking for. He adds on, “I figured it out pretty quick.” Uh, yeah, one date. Way to give her a chance, dude. For the record, this kind of talk confirms my suspicions that he’s just filling a job opening as well. He just wants the girl who is perfect on paper. (Side note – Sean wants a hot, sweet Southern girl. Could you imagine his horror if we went on a date together? I’d crack one tiny, innocent joke about him pooping on my chest, or I’d spill and yell FUCK and he’d be OUT of there.) Light bulb! Maybe that’s why I don’t like him. Because I know he couldn’t deal with a chick like me. God this blog writing is therapy. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, I get that.

They have dinner at the Tower of London where Emily is trying to explain why it’s a prison. She’s talking about history so I quickly lose interest and stop listening. Yo, Bachelorette producers – know your audience. Those of us who enjoy this show, don’t care about history. A gross generalization, yes, but probably not far off.

He tells Emily it was the best day he’s ever had in his entire life and I think he needs to get out more. Emily makes me want to punch her when she starts in on her baby-making tirade. “I don’t want to rush things (liar), but I want a lot of kids. NOW.” She asks how many kids he wants and he blurts out, “Two is a good number.” But he quickly senses Emily’s disappointment in that and says, “But…I’m open to more. Two, three… (she’s still not smiling) Six, Ten”. OK Now she’s smiling. Wow.

She ends the date with giving him the rose saying, “I can’t imagine him being any more marriage material.” See? These two are made for each other. They don’t even know if they LIKE each other, but they’re hot and fill the open position they’re both trying to fill. Ahhh, true love.


Group Date 

The group date is for Chris (25, Chicago), Arie (30, Race Car Driver), Ryan (31, Trainer from Augusta), Doug (33, Single Dad Realtor, Seattle), Alejandro (24, Mushroom Farmer, San Francisco), Travis (30, Missouri, Egg Dude), John but you can call me Wolf (30, St. Louis), and Kalon (the 27-year-old prick from Houston who looks like he’s had lip injections).

They travel to Shakespeare’s birthplace where they are forced to participate in acting out some scenes from Romeo and Juliet. It really is a horrid idea, all-around. Romeo is apparently a rotating part, played by Alejandro (huh?), John but you can call me Wolf, Ryan and Kalon. Holy Poor casting, for fucks’ sake.

Arie and Doug are nurses, and look ridiculous. See?



I have no idea what Travis is, but he sounds a tad Shakespearean…and Southern…and Irish all at the same time.

Arie has no idea who Shakespeare even is, unfortunately not painting himself as the smartest in the crowd. Kalon looks ridiculous and is clearly taking this too seriously. He barks at Emily to go away so they can rehearse. Does he really think he needs to be GREAT because Emily is basing her husband choice on Shakespearean acting ability? What a fucking douche bag.

The show is every bit as painful and stupid as one would imagine. Emily claims she’s MORE attracted to Arie dressed as a nurse. Ryan kisses Emily a few times for his scene and she says that kissing him was a surprise to her and that “it was so sweet.” Why is it a surprise he’s a sweet kisser? Did she expect him to shove his tongue angrily down her throat while somehow simultaneously yelling at her that she has to stay thin and hot forever? Cause I did.

Things finally get interesting at the after-party. Wait – side note – it just dawned on me that Arie reminds me of John Travolta! Not as gay of course, but there’s definitely a resemblance.

Arie and Emily chat at the party, and by “chat”, I mean they say hello and then just make out for awhile. He says, “Our time together was amazing.” Well yeah, you had a boner for 15 minutes.

Ryan gives her a necklace and even manages to make that look like a douche-bag move. First, he pulls it out of his pocket without a box. Then he compliments his own gift by saying, “Isn’t that nice?” And then the piece de resistance? He does this:



Finally, the good stuff. Chris tells Arie that Kalon called Ricki “baggage” yesterday. Arie gets mad, and by mad, I mean ehh mildly annoyed. He tells Doug, who gets madder since he actually has a kid and knows how rude that is. So Doug runs to Emily to tell her. She first says she’s trying to think of the most ladylike way to respond (certainly, certainly would not be my first concern). Then she adds on, “I want to rip his limbs off and beat him with them.” Now we’re sounding a little more like me! She caps it off with, “I want to go West Virginia hood rat back woods on his ass,” Aaaaaand now I’m an Emily fan. Officially. She needs to get rid of the cheesy French manicure, but besides that? Huge fan today.

Doug and Emily gather everyone together and Doug announces what is going on, which is highly annoying. Sit the fuck down, Dad. Hood rat Emily is on the case. She asks Kalon if he has anything to say for himself, which he does not. He then interrupts her and she throws his line back in his face – “I love to hear you talk but not until I’m done.” She doesn’t get the line right, but it’s close enough. I’ll let it slide. You GO girl.

She says she’s disappointed and finally tells him to get the fuck out. Zing! So good. He leaves, and in the taxi admits that he’s probably not the partner who will make her life easier. Ummm, YEAH, that’s safe to say. But you ARE the right guy for her if she’s ever looking for tips on how to inject her lips, bang a supermodel or get her herpes under control since I’m sure Kalon has done all of that.

Doug, feeling rather proud of himself, tries to talk to her and she blows right past him saying she just wants to be by herself right now. That ought to chill his shit out for a bit. He’s annoying.

OK When Emily reappears she explains that now she’s pissed at all the other guys too for not warning her earlier about Kalon. Nobody said anything to her and she feels like nobody has her back. This is where I get really annoyed. She’s totally right…but you know what? The guys don’t say anything because they’ve all watched Ben’s season of the Bachelor and they know the rules. It NEVER bodes well for the chicks that want to warn the Bachelor about the one girl who is there for the wrong reasons. Never. Ben was an asshole about it, telling the girls to shut the fuck up and not to worry about the other girls. But somehow when a dude is a dick, the other guys are EXPECTED to tattle on him? I don’t get it.

Emily’s had a bad night and doesn’t hand out the rose to anyone. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Doug.


Jef Date 

Jef and his hair are SUPER excited for his date with Emily. She tells him they’re having afternoon tea and he says, “That sounds delightful.” That’s acceptable if you say it sarcastically, but I think he’s serious, which is a major offense. It’s like Doug saying last week he was “on cloud nine.” These are things dudes shouldn’t say. But because I am inexplicably in love with Jef, I’m letting this one slide.

They have an etiquette lesson with Jean while they’re enjoying their tea and this whole scene is pretty much my fucking nightmare. Jean is terrible – highly particular, highly pretentious and highly annoying. This is graphic but here goes: Jean needs to get the stuffiness violently banged out of her. A good humping would do this lady wonders.

Anyway, she is also horrified at Jef’s tea pouring behavior. Jef hates her too, saying she’s all up in their shit and he just wants to chat with Emily for awhile. Alone. But nope, Jean said that ain’t happening. She’s just yapping in their ears, or as Jef explains:



They finally ditch Jean and head to a pub. Jef tells Emily that Kalon said a bunch of crap to him about Ricki but Jef defended her. I mean, not enough to TELL Emily, but I guess Emily is impressed with that? I don’t get it. Anyway, Jef says that if Ricki is baggage than she’s the Chloe handbag he’d want for the rest of his life. Whoa. I barely know Chloe – how the hell does he? I’m hearing gay talk about Jef and I don’t get that vibe…until now. But guess what? I still love him. It doesn’t matter. It’s like I’m 20 again and even when my boyfriend calls me a “cunt” at a party in front of thirty people (true story), I still love him. Or I’m 22 and my boyfriend in the band is CLEARLY cheating on me, but I still let him live in my apartment rent free cause he’s poor. Or my other boyfriend at 22 who WAS gay. Like all of them…Jef can do no wrong in my head. Me heart Jef with one f. 4 Eva. (Side note – I’ve come a loooong way since then. My husband is awesome. He rarely, rarely calls me a cunt. Kiiiiidding.)

Emily comments that Jef says he’s into her but tonight she needs him to SHOW her that he’s into her. And then she adds on, “No, I mean I want him to literally show me that he’s IN me.” Har har.

They have dinner alone in a little pod of the London Eye, which is a horrible idea. The lighting needed to pull this off basically means Jef and Emily sit at a table in their pod, three feet from a camera crew and studio lights blasting on their heads. Ahhh, romance.

They’re both talking a lot about how amazing the other is and how much they like each other and how Jef feels like they could have something great. Yawn.

She gives him the rose and they make out at the waterfront. Finally. Me still heart Jef. Sigh.


Cocktail Party 

Emily spends the cocktail party time yelling at each guy individually for not standing up for her when Kalon was talking crap about Ricki with an i. Arie defends himself with my argument, saying he doesn’t want to waste their time together talking about other guys, and unlike Ben, Emily is pissed. This show confuses me.

Ryan puts her on a balcony and role-plays Romeo and Juliet. Stupid. But Emily falls for it and they make out awhile. Emily, girlfriend. Open your eyes. He’s shiny.

Sean says to her that he wants a sweet girl with a bit of an edge and he heard some of her edge came out last night with Kalon. He then adds on, “I said ‘a bit’ of an edge, not ‘a lot’ of an edge, so you’ll need to calm that shit down and be my southern lady if you want this to work. Got it?”


Rose Ceremony 

Jef with one f and Sean already have roses and Kalon and his lips are already gone. She has six more roses to give out, sending one more home. Gee, I wonder who that will be.

Roses go to:

 -Doug - 33, Charity Director/Realtor, Seattle: Annoying as fuck, tries to be group dad, probably talks about his feelings during sex.

-Ryan - 31, Pro Sports Trainer, Augusta. Really shiny, super charming in a smarmy kind of way. Probably talks to himself in mirrors.

-Chris - 25, Corporate Sales Director, Chicago. Looks like a pussy next to some of these guys.

-John but you can call me Wolf – 30, Data Destruction Specialist, St. Louis. I still like that his nickname is Wolf and he destroys data for a living. Does that just mean he presses the delete button all day? My IT husband would be horrified at this comment.

-Travis - 30, Advertising Sales Rep, Missouri. Egg dude. He’s next to go home.

-Arie - 30, Race Car Driver, Scottsdale. He’s not the hottest one here, but he certainly seems the most normal and probably the best match for Emily. I bet he wins it all. Just like a car race. Like the Indianapolis 500. When he wins at the end, he’ll pick up Emily and hold her over his head while Chris Harrison sprays champagne on them. Seriously, where do I get this stuff.

Home to Alejandro, the mushroom farmer. Didn’t see that one coming at ALL. They were a perfect match. He loves mushrooms and rat-tails, and she loves the Greenbrier and French manicures. Where did it go wrong?

Oddly, he’s crying, which makes no sense to the viewing audience since they only spent six minutes total together. Oh well. Back to the mushrooms, my friend.

Next week, they’re off to Croatia, which is super exciting for all of them, and for me who is actually excited to see what it’s all about. Guess who’s not excited? Croatia.

Sobering thought? We’re not even halfway done yet. Oy. See you next week!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap - Newsflash: Emily still plugging her nose when jumping in water

It is just me or did Emily show a little more spunk this week? I still feel like she’s heavy on the “interview” thing, and I’m mildly annoyed at her insanely obvious desperation to have babies, and the fact she still plugs her nose when jumping into a body of water, but she’s growing on me.

Anyhoo, we’re down to 13 dudes this week. Chris tells them there will be three dates this week – the group date, the one-on-one date and the dreaded two-on-one ménage a trois of awkwardness. He then tells them that they get to go to Bermuda – weee!

Alejandro’s nipple is so excited:


 So is Michael’s pretty yellow headband:



Emily is very excited to get to Bermuda because the NEXT time she’ll be there, she’ll be pregnant. This logic is lost on me as well, but she said it.

The guys pull into their hotel on a group of scooters and they look like a bunch of Lloyd’s from Dumb and Dumber. Or they look like a group of mental patients that all escaped at the same time. Either way, it’s funny.


Doug Date 

I don’t like Doug (the 33 year-old, single Dad and Realtor from Seattle). He’s too pussy for me. First of all, he’s as nervous as a 16 year-old girl on her way to prom, for his date with Emily. It just feels yucky. Man up, dude. The other guys sense this and make a LOT of fun of him, and I am in love with this scene. They are teasing puss boy and he’s MAD. Arie says to the camera that Doug is like the Hulk, “Doug Mad! Doug Smash. Doug Sad….” Too funny.

Emily picks him up and they go shopping. Doug replies, “Are we going shopping? I love it!” Another reason I dislike him. No dudes like to shop. Sure, it would be really fun if my husband wanted to shop with me, but the truth is, if he did, I’d be totally turned off. Lame, right? But so true.

Emily says things about Doug like, “It’s like we’ve known each other for years! He’s positive. The conversation is easy.” That’s like the kiss of death. On your FIRST date, you don’t want to feel like you’ve known each other for years. When you know someone for years, it means you poop with the door open. That’s not a good thing, people. Also, I know lust isn’t grounds for a stable marriage, but on my FIRST date, I’d like to be saying, “I want to rip his clothes off”, not “Gosh, he’s so positive.” Which brings me to the most critical point of all with Doug. I can’t picture him naked on top of me. He’d be trying to flex his big arms while being sensitive. Yuck. He’d probably say things like, “Do you like it here? How about when I do this?” Shut the fuck up. Do NOT talk to me when we’re having sex.

They walk around awhile and it is literally the most boring date ever. They probably had something exciting planned but when it rained they made them walk around instead. She writes his son a postcard. They walk through a giant O and make a wish. I’m asleep.

I wake back up when they head to dinner because I am startled by the butterfly dress. I mean…What. The. Fuck. She’s so pretty – but someone style her, please.



Doug says to Emily that when she wrote the postcard to Austin, it put him on cloud nine. Reason number 17 I hate Doug. Dudes shouldn’t say things like, “I’m on cloud nine”.

Emily thinks he’s too perfect and grills him for his flaws. He’s kind of douchey and says things like, “I’m with my son too much and I don’t wash my girlfriend’s car ENOUGH.” He asks her what her flaws are and she’s just as bullshit, saying, “I’m sensitive and I like to stay in my pajamas all day sometimes.” She adds on, “It’s weird though. Even when I do that, I’m oddly, just as hot.”

Doug then says that his grandpa told him never to kiss a girl unless it’s clear she wanted to be kissed. GREAT advice. I LOVE it when I basically have to beg a dude to kiss me. Feels really great. He then says, “I never make the first move. Ever.” What the fuck? You complete pussy. I don’t need to be manhandled, but I do need you to be a fucking man and kiss me. Two more good reasons I hate him. With Emily’s demure, shy, Southern ways, these two will NEVER kiss, apparently.

I almost forgot! Best and biggest reason I dislike Dougie: He says, “If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know.” Referring to yourself in the third person is also a total turn-on. (“Do you want Dougie to stick it in now?”) You asswipe.


Group Date

The group date this week is for Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis and Kalon. They’re going sailing and Kalon says he’s in his element. Just like acting is his element. Just like “fucking supermodels” is his element (his words, not mine. See his Facebook note below. Warning – trying to read it will make your eyes bleed)

https://www.facebook.com/notes/kalon-mcmahons-memoir/kalon-mcmahons-memoir/237303659709749
 
Apparently, the guys have to race sailboats, in teams of four. The winning team gets to spend the evening with Emily and the losing team goes home. Sean said that he played “D1 football” so he’s prepared. Not sure I see the connection? That’s like me saying I bought a new camera so I’m all ready to make pancakes now.

The race looks exhausting, but somehow team yellow pulls off the win. Team yellow is Ryan, Jef, Arie and Kalon. Oddly, Sean’s D1 football experience didn’t come through. Hmmm.

Charlie, Travis, Sean and Chris head home. I think Charlie might be crying, but I can’t be sure since I’m too busy throwing a bowl of peanuts at my TV while screaming, “You’re all fucking pussies, for shit’s sake!”

The after party is interesting, only thanks to Ryan. This guy is fucking delusional. How in the world does he think he’s a catch? He’s a judgmental, egotistical dirt bag, who isn’t even good looking. In three minutes, he manages to tell Emily she’s a trophy wife, and that she’s still not allowed to be fat because God designed her to be a beautiful woman. This logic is also lost on me. A common theme this week…

Ryan says he’s very intentional about what he’s doing here. Ummm, as opposed to unintentional? They are all there to be on the show, to date Emily. Does he think Jef just stumbled, unintentionally, upon the crew filming one day and said, “Oh hey, I’ll hang out for a bit! No idea what this is for though.”

Ryan talks to Emily and says that there’s a lot of depth to him. No there’s not. You’re a fucking idiot.

He tells her that he’s not here to impress her, but to make an impression upon her. Say what? What you talkin’ bout Willis? (Please say I have readers old enough to understand that reference)

This is the best part. He says that girls will be watching Emily to see how she conducts herself, and that she’s a role model… basically she should keep her knees shut (except with him, I’m sure). Then he gets mad at her for kissing Arie. Ummm, have you SEEN this show before, Ryan? The moral compass of this franchise is hazy at best, dude. If little girls are watching this show to learn about how to conduct themselves with men, they are already completely fucked.

She also sits with Jef, who I freaking love to death. She’ll never pick him, but I love him. Although even he pusses out here and won’t kiss her. Disappointing. Emily thinks so too.

She makes up for her lack of kissing with Jef by slurping the shit out of Arie’s face. The noises are nauseating. But he’s pretty cute.


John but you can call me Wolf and Nate Date 

The three of these people put together do not exactly equal television dynamite. I mean, SNOOZE. For fucks’ sake. What a boring damn date.

They meet on a yacht, ride to an island and they jump off a cliff (where Emily is still plugging her nose. Dammit, Emily. I’m beginning to like you, but you need to work that out). There is literally nothing to say about the entire first half of the date. The second half is a romantic dinner in a cave. How’s THIS for awkward:


 Just when I think things can’t get any more awkward, this is how the three of them are seated. In a straight line. Fun.



Then you realize that there is NO noise whatsoever in this cave, and the three of them are all meek and boring as fuck. At this point, I decide it’s best if I just hide under the sofa for a bit.

After what feels like twelve hours at the table, Emily takes Nate aside to chat. He cries about missing his family. Sweet, I guess, but WOW what a turn-off. He’s hot too, but now I can’t picture him naked on top of me anymore. Would he be crying?

John but you can call me Wolf and Emily talk alone for awhile, where he proceeds to sell himself to her for twenty minutes straight. He then ends the discussion by saying, “I don’t feel the need to sell myself.” Did I miss something while I was under the couch? What the?

She gives John the rose, boots Nate and the only thing I can think of is please, please don’t make the three of them take the 40 minute walk out of the cave together. I’ve had enough awkwardness for tonight, thanks.

It came down to the fact that Emily feels Nate is too young for her. She says, “I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I want someone for the rest of my life.” She tacks on, “And ideally, he’d be willing to sign an ironclad contract promising exactly that.”


Cocktail Party 

A couple days ago, Doug, who is 33, made a comment that there’s a difference between age 25 and 30, maturity wise. Obviously, the immature 25-year-old, Chris, doesn’t like this since he’s trying to sell Emily on the fact that despite his age, he’s more than ready to be a husband and dad. He did go to college, after all (See last week’s recap if you’re confused here). The big drama of the cocktail party is Chris telling Doug he didn’t like him saying that. Seriously, I’m so bored. THIS is the season’s drama? Anyway, Doug is kind of a dick here, making Chris feel crazy (I think Doug is a tiny bit manipulative) but Chris shows his immaturity by the way he fights. And I think he’s got a temper problem. And a massive amount of insecurity. But at least he’ll kiss Emily and doesn’t refer to himself in the third person, so he’s still ahead of Doug in my book. Let’s move on.

 Other highlights include:

• Alejandro tells Emily he has passion for mushroom farming. Seriously, how is he still here?
• Ryan says to Emily, “Just cause you’re the center of attention doesn’t make you worthy.” I don’t know about you, ladies, but I LOVE it when a guy says such romantic things like this to me. It’s right up there with being slapped around and spit on.
• Ryan says to the Bachelor camera that although he sees great potential in Emily (like a solid mutual fund?), he feels he is called to something bigger. He then goes on to tell Michael that he would like to be the Augusta, Georgia Bachelor when this is done. A small, sad, pathetic part of me thinks it would be great entertainment to watch this.
• Emily makes out with Sean for a bit, but they finish with a prayer, which always takes the heat out of a seduction scene. Juuuust kidding. They didn’t really pray. (out loud, anyway)
• Arie and Emily chat some more and there’s nothing new here. She clearly likes him and he clearly likes her sweet ass and access to a heavily NASCAR connected family. Juuuust kidding again. I’m sure he’s here for ALL the right reasons.
• Doug says he doesn’t need to kiss Emily to feel like he’s on the same page as everyone else. That’s something pussies say when they don’t have the balls to kiss a hot chick.
• Jef wears this below... Oddly, I find it attractive.


 Rose Ceremony 

Emily chats with Chris before the rose ceremony. She tells Chris that she knows Ryan thinks he has her where he wants her, but she knows what a manipulator he is. But then she keeps him. Way to stand your ground, Emily. I have faith you won’t marry the dude, but tell him to fuck off already.

She comments that she loves Jef and Arie but isn’t sure Mushroom Farmer is ready to be a dad. Why not? Is it the rat tail? The two diamond earrings? The nipples? What?

Anyway, Jef (hot), Doug (douche dad) and John but you can call me Wolf already have roses. And Nate has already gone home. She has seven roses to give out, sending two more guys home.

Roses go to:

-Sean - 28, Insurance Agent, Dallas. Hot, but overly exercised, and a bible beater. Wants Emily barefoot and pregnant, which is perfect for her, actually.
-Arie - 30, Race Car Driver, Scottsdale. Cute, loves Emily but overly loud kissing technique.
-Travis - 30, Advertising Sales Rep, Missouri. The egg dude. Despite the fact the egg is now gone, he’ll always be egg dude. Clearly not around much longer.
-Chris - 25, Corporate Sales Director, Chicago. Suffering from low self esteem and age discrimination.
-Ryan - 31, Pro Sports Trainer, Augusta. Smarmy, really gross, always shiny and likes to insult women to make them feel like shit about themselves. Winner.
-Kalon - 27, Luxury Brand Consultant, Houston. Super douche. Read the Facebook note and give me one good reason why he shouldn’t be smacked in the nuts.
 -Alejandro - 24, Mushroom Farmer, San Francisco. That’s right – he’s only 24 and farms mushrooms. This guy has as much of a chance of winning as I do winning the 200-meter Fly in the London games this summer.

Which means Charlie and Michael are sent home. Michael comments he’s never been in love (with anything other than his ponytail, that is). Charlie holds it together pretty well, too, but looks a litttttttle weepy in the rain. I had high hopes for him, and I can’t believe Emily kept Ryan, Kalon and Alejandro over him. I mean, come on. I love a good mushroom, but this is ridiculous.

I don’t read spoilers and I HATE it when someone blows it for me, so this isn’t coming from an “official” place, but I bet the final three are Jef, Sean and Arie, right? MAYBE Chris, Doug and Wolf will battle for a spot in there, but I don’t think so. I want to fast forward three weeks, please.

They’re going to London next week when one of the dudes calls Ricki “baggage”. Emily tells them to “get the fuck out”, which is bound to win points with me. Stay tuned.