Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - I'm dumber for having met those twins

Seriously, am I the only one even watching this garbage? Holy crap this is trash. This show makes the Bachelor and the Bachelorette look like an educational PBS special. Add to that the fact that the Olympics are on and it’s a miracle ABC is even bothering to air this shit. And don’t even get me started on those fucking twins. What a bunch of empty-headed whore bags.

Because I’m convinced nobody is even reading this, I’m making this short. Also, my head begins to bleed out my ears when I think about this show for too long.


 The competition this week is a rhythmic gymnastics routine. It literally pains me to have to spend two hours watching this show instead of the Olympics, but I WILL say that this display was probably more entertaining than Olympic rhythmic gymnastics. Why? Two words: Erica Rose.

She wears a dress to the practice. When you find out you’ll be doing rolls on the ground, maybe you go grab a pair of shorts? Just a thought. I mean, fuck.

Besides the shorts, Erica is horrible at gymnastics anyway. She says, “I’m not good at performing and I’m not good at remembering choreography.” She adds on, “I’m also not good at basic math. Or any kind of logic. Or sometimes just thinking. But I’m really good at talking slow and stupid.’”

Anyway, they practice and learn a routine. The best guy and girl win and get a rose for safety this week. They also get to go out on a date with three people and give one of them a rose too. The one deemed the worst (a really tough call), gets one vote against them at the elimination vote this week.

In a nutshell, the girls are just horrid. Horrid. Erica is clearly the worst. The judges (JP and Ashley Hebert of course, and some poor ex-Olympian with nothing better to do) are in shock at how shitty the girls are. After the girls are done, JP says, “I can’t even clap.” The guys are watching and say things like, “What’s happening here?” or “It looks like a preschool dance recital.” They aren’t far off. However, slut bag Donna thinks she’s great and is worried about her competition - Blakeley. Or Jamie. But her makeup is weighing her down. Seriously, ease UP on that shit, Jdog. It’s too much. Your face looks…thick.

The guys aren’t any better, but get a lot of applause because they at least tried to make it entertaining. But there isn’t any real gymnastics going on. They did the worm across the floor, for fucks’ sake.

The judges vote Ed and Erica as the worst performers, and Blakeley and Michael as the best.

Now Blakester and Michael need to decide who to take on their date. Donna is chatting with someone in the kitchen about how much she wants to go on a date with Michael. She keeps commenting on how she can normally get any guy she wants, and that guys are usually head-over-heels for her the first second they meet her, but she has to fight for Michael. I’m going out on a limb here…but I’d say these guys she can “get” or who are “head over heels” for her, just want to bang her. And they usually succeed, so she thinks she’s Miss Popular. I really need to teach my daughter this critical difference. It’s not a big WIN in life to have guys want to bang you. I’m 37 and certainly not the hottest chick around, sporting a lot of weird post-baby shapes on my body…but I know with certainty I could walk down a street in San Francisco right now and if I screamed “Free Sex with me!” that SOMEONE would take me up on it. I’m not saying it would be a quality guy, but please, if you throw it out there Donna, someone will bang you. It doesn’t mean you’re awesome. It means you’re slutty.

The other interesting part of the show (and “interesting” is a stretch) is dirtbag Chris. Now that Blakeley has a rose, he says he will continue to bang her so he can be safe too, even though he hates her and thinks she’s scary as fuck. I’m paraphrasing but I’m not far off. What a stand-up guy.

Michael Date 

Michael claims he’s going on his date for love, not strategy. However, he chooses Donna so he must be taking girls out based on whore-ability too. He also picks Rachel who I think is cool, and Lindzi who needs to lay off the bronzer.

They go to a theater and listen to some band perform. It’s a little awkward since they only allow twenty people in the door and everyone is watching the Bachelor Pad people dance together. It’s weird. Michael makes out with Rachel a bit…she claims he’s a phenomenal kisser and that dancing with him was romantic. Ummm, right up until he takes Donna away and they pretend they’re in the tongue fencing Olympics. This was nauseating.

Meanwhile back at the house, Ryan is making Jamie a special sushi dinner, along with a balloon and flower-filled surprise for her birthday. Really? Jamie? I think Ryan’s mind is all clogged and fucked up with 32 years of pent up virginity. His judgment is off since he thinks Jamie is the type of girl he wants to take home to Mom. Really? Did you not see Ben’s season? That kissing scene is unforgivable.

Anyway, as he spreads rose petals on her bed, I can’t help but think, “Yup, that’s why you’re still a virgin.”

Anyway, Jamie wants no part of Ryan’s seduction scene. Instead she wants to floss her teeth and spend time with Chris. Her words, not mine. She doesn’t know why Chris likes Blakeley because she thinks SHE is the girl Chris should want to bring home to Mom. Who? THIS GIRL:

She finally gets time with Chris and it’s just so gross. She pretends to tease him and I’m so uncomfortable. I switch to the Olympics, but this is what I find. What the? Nice camera angle.

Anyway, Chris wants to fuck Jamie and her makeup but I think he wants to fuck Blakeley too to ensure his safety. Either way, I’m nauseated. He ends up sleeping with Blakeley after making out with Jamie, even though he knows Jamie sleeps on the top bunk over Blakeley. Seriously, what am I watching.

Back on the date, Michael gives the rose to Rachel. Donna is sad so she soothes herself by going back to the house, getting drunk and making out with Erica Rose. Yum.

Blakeley Date 

Blakeley takes Chris, Ed and Dave on her date. They head to a soapbox derby race, where they make cars and race them. Ed wins. I’m BORED.

They head to the random house where the Bachelor lives during his season and they…sit around, and maybe hang out in a hot tub. Snooze fest. David, the nerdy fan, tries to get Blakeley to give him the rose which of course is ridiculous, since Blakeley will do whatever Chris wants because chicks on this show are pathetic and do whatever they think will land them a man.

Back at the house 

Everyone is wasted back at the house. Kalon and Lindzi are snuggly, which is odd, but fun for me to watch. David is making out with one of the twins but has to stop when he realizes that even touching one of those skanks gives him an instant herpes outbreak.

Ed is a wasted hot mess. I kind of love what a fucking asshole he is. He is pretty damn funny. I kind of enjoy how he doesn’t give a shit about anything. He doesn’t want to meet a chick, or play the game. He wants to get wasted and have a good time. Of course, that doesn’t stop him from getting a blowjob from skank fest participant number three, Sara. This chick needs some serious self-esteem instruction. She says, “I don’t want to be the only one not hooking up with someone in a hot tub! That would be so pathetic.” Riiiiight. It’s pathetic to NOT hook up with an asshole on national TV in a hot tub. Right. Got it.

The twins now have a weird segment that takes much too long to resolve. They fight and fight and fight and yell at each other for seven hours straight and finally decide to leave. It’s all really, really stupid. I just wonder what these two skanks are going to do next. How do they UP their skank value? What do they do AFTER the Bachelor Pad and fucking The Situation on Jersey Shore? How do they top that?

Cocktail Party 

Because the twins left this week, none of the girls will be eliminated this week. It looks like the elimination is between Ed and Ryan for the guys. The girls are split. Oddly, Sara decides to vote Ed out, despite the fact she gave him a blowjob last night and kind of likes him. It’s really, really weird. As soon as she votes for him, she spends the rest of the night crying about it. I don’t get it. Nor do I care. Seriously, I’m over these fucking morons.

The swing vote comes down to Jamie, who decides to vote off her own partner, Ryan, confirming the fact she’s not just an idiot, but also a fucking asshole. Also, I love the fact that the girls vote him out because they are skanks and have no use for a virgin. Wow.

I’m going to go read a history book or something, to try to regain all the smart I lost last night watching this.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - So those twins are skanks. Wow.

Wow, and I thought the Bachelor was filled with pathetic skanks. This show sets a new low. I mean, I’ve watched before, but I guess I blocked out a lot of the skankness. The best part is how the old contestants think they were chosen to be on this show because they’re the most famous or something. Hello? You were chosen because you’re the gross of the gross. I’m talking to you, Jaclyn. Fuck, all of you, actually…but some are clearly more skanked out than others. We’ll get to it.

Anyway, I’m still in Tahoe and I forced my friend to watch the show with me again. She was actually into it this time and I’m the first to admit I was entertained too. Mostly by the shock of it. People are really like this? Wow.

Chris Harrison lays it out for us, explaining how this season will not just be old contestants but super fans too. To which my friend asks, “Aren’t they all just fans? It’s not like any of them are famous, so they’re all just fans. It’s not like Jennifer Aniston is there, too.” She has a point. The

Skank Cast 

Chris from Emily’s season: The 25-year-old who thinks he’s mature, but cried like a fucking pussy. And has a huge temper. Apparently, his frighteningly low self-esteem manifests itself on the Bachelor Pad in the form of man-skank. A common theme on this show…and in life actually: Feel shitty about yourself? Bang everyone you can! Maybe someone will love you!

Lindzi from Ben’s season: I had mixed feelings about her. I wanted to think she was normal, and at times she seems cool, but then I found out she changed the spelling of her name to “Lindzi” just to seem extra special for the show. Unacceptable.

Reid from Jillian’s season: Reid was a favorite with the ladies. Not crazy hot, but he was so damn cool and a nice guy. He definitely would have won me over waaaaay before STD-laden Ed.

Ed from Jillian’s season: Speaking of dickhead Ed, here he is. In a nutshell, he thinks he is reaaaaaally, really cool for being on the Bachelorette and loves to take advantage of his false fame to bang chicks seven nights a week that he picks up in skank bars. I’m not saying you can’t be fun, young, and single, but he takes it to another skank level. In other words, he’s perfect for this show.

Blakeley from Ben’s season: In one of my recaps from Ben’s season I called her a lesbian cougar transvestite. Jesus Jen, not nice. I take back lesbian and transvestite, but I will keep cougar and add desperate, sad and resembles an Olympic female softball player. Also, she has the self-esteem of Nerf football. But she claims her ass-waxing job keeps her fulfilled so that’s nice.

Jaclyn from Ben’s season: One of the ugliest people I’ve ever seen, inside and out. What a fucking bitch. My friend says she looks like Paris Hilton after she got hit in the face with a frying pan. I say that’s too generous.

Kalon from Emily’s season: The way he looks at himself in the mirror, as he’s standing there in his underwear, is one of the scariest things I have ever seen. He looks like a murderer. I bet he’d ask if he could tie you up naked and poop on your chest on your first date. I turn to my husband (who is trapped in the same room as me since we’re on vacation) and I say, “I will never leave you no matter what because if I have to date in the real world again and fuckfaces like that are out there, I don’t want to go.” He replies, “Thanks? I guess…”

Paige, 24 – She’s one of the super fans. She thinks Chris is cute, so clearly her judgment is a little off. But I guess I’d say she’s normal-ish. Boring, not remarkably hot. Whatevs.

Chris, 28 – Another super fan…and I mean SUPER FAN. He likes to come home from a day of SWAT-teaming to his JC Penney pajamas, candles and red wine, and snuggles up on the sofa alone to watch the Bachelor. He also masturbates during every commercial break. As opposed to Kalon who wants to poop on you on your first date, Chris probably wants to caress your face and make slow-gentle love while listening to Kenny G. Yucks. Anyway, he claims he wants to go on the show to find real love. What an asshole.

Donna, 22 – Another super skank fan. From this introduction, she embodies everything I don’t want my daughter to grow up to be: A fucking skank whose self-esteem is based on the way her skank body looks in a bikini. In other words, she was perfectly cast for this show.

David, 28 – Another super fan. Is this guy for real?

Brittany and Erica – Holy trailer trash times two. Skank twins. And I mean, these chicks exemplify the definition of the word skank. One of them is apparently a virgin, but guess what, Virgin? You can still be a fucking virgin whore. I bet she’s given more blowjobs than all other Bachelor contestants combined, yet claims she’s a virgin so she seems clean. Yo bitch, wash that mouth out. There’s sperm on the side of your face. So anyway, I hate these bitches – they’re not only whores (the non-virgin admits she might have sex with someone as strategy), but they’re stupid and mean with terrible color jobs on their hair. I’m especially offended that they call Blakeley “old” since they think she’s 37. That’s my age and I’m not entering menopause soon, you stupid fucks. And yeah, I’m old, but I’d take my old, wrinkly ass over your stupid skankness any day. Enjoy your future, whoring and working at Yogurt Park. You fucks.

 Double the skank

Limos Arrive 

We see some of the people mentioned above and then a couple more we barely care about. Nick, the personal trainer from Ashley’s season. He seems the same and he looks like…well, a personal trainer. Exciting stuff.

Rachel from Ben’s season: I liked her. She seemed normal and fun.

Sarah from Brad’s first season: Who the fuck is this? She is not especially attractive or fun or skanky. I have no clue why she is on this show. They must have really had to grasp at straws to fill some last cast spots. Wow.

Ryan from DeAnna’s season: He’s a 32-year-old virgin who doesn’t drink. He’s a good guy who is a refreshing change from the skank twins but doesn’t hold much value for a show like Bachelor Pad. Also, what in God’s name possessed him to go on this show?

Jaclyn pops out of the limo and says, “I’m not here to please.” Guess what bitch? You’re also not pleasing my eyes.

Tony from Emily’s season: He gets out of the car asking, “Is this the gay Bachelor Pad? Am I in the right place?” I don’t know, he just seems a little gay. Anyway, Tony was the pussy who cried about his son all the time on Emily’s season. He says he wants to walk away from this show with the money AND love. Yeah, good luck with that. Your chances are much, much higher walking away with a genital wart outbreak.

Michael – Yeah, I don’t know. He seems like a funny guy, even sweet and normal. But I hate him for coming back to this show over and over. Move on with your life, dude.

Erica – Vapid, horrible chick. She’s just really shallow and stupid, but there’s always something that makes me feel bad for her. She just has NO self-esteem and spends her money trying to look good. Also, she needs a refund for those horrid extensions. She and Kalon have a feud brewing, probably because they’re battling for the Worst Human Award. She yells at Kalon to stop attacking her appearance because she’s worked hard on it. God, that’s so sad. Go work hard on being less stupid. Go study something.

The super fans are out next and you sort of want to punch all of them in the face. What assholes.

Cocktail Party 

The first night is filled with Ed doing nothing but trying to set a new drunken asshole standard. Don’t get me wrong, he looks like he’s having a good time and I’d love to do that too, but I hope I’d know not to throw it all out there. The first night. On national TV.

Smitty tells us there’s a competition each week and the winner gets a rose, which gives them immunity from being voted off. They also win a fun outing together. Sounds riveting, doesn’t it?

Smitty tells them that this week they will compete in couples, so they have to pair up. (FYI – the skank twins vote as one…because alone, they’re not smart enough to figure out how to put the picture in the ballot box.) The couples spend some time picking and choosing partners, but Ed is too drunk to participate. So when nobody picks Jaclyn, she is forced to take Ed. She runs out to the hot tub to tell him and understandably, he tries to drown himself when he realizes he’ll have to be with her.


This competition consists of the couples hanging out in a giant heart and whoever can stay there the longest wins. The big heart is hanging over a mat and gets tilted downward every few minutes. The first one to fall off gets a vote against them at the elimination that week.

Nate and Paige are partners, and there’s a little bit of flirtation there, but nothing exciting. Chris and Blakeley are partners – he isn’t really interested in her, but she is psychotically involved with him already. This is going to get good, people.

First ones down are Erica and Nate, and it’s shocking Erica isn’t more athletic. Not really.

One of the skank twins and David (a super fan) win the competition. God, could I care less? David asks himself, “Now I just have to figure out how to stick my penis into two vaginas at the same time…Hmmm.” I don’t think it’ll be that hard, actually. I’m sure their vaginas are huge. Actually one skank won’t put penises in her vagina, so she can just give you a blowjob later. God, this is gross and graphic.

Later on… 

The twins and David go on their date, which consists of riding some roller coasters at the Santa Monica pier and (shocking) skinny-dipping. That guy is stoked…but won’t be so happy when he wakes up with an enlarged, rashy penis.

Jamie is here…the horrendously awkward kisser from Ben’s season. She straddled him once and narrated her entire make out session with Ben and it was by far, the most awkward moment I’ve ever endured watching this show. But in that one moment, the producers saw what slut potential she had and immediately cast her in this show. She doesn’t disappoint – she takes Chris away to a dark room and makes out with him. They attempt to talk but that was oddly more awkward than anything, so they just decided to start kissing.

Blakeley somehow, misread the instructions from Smitty, and thought that by partnering with Chris it means she is sexually, emotionally and physically tied to him for the durationo of the show. Umm, Blakes? Please stop making us oldies look so fucking desperate and crazy. You’re his partner in a GAME, but he’s allowed to kiss other bitches. You haven’t even kissed him, right? What a crazy. Also, Jamie needs to tone down the makeup STAT. Yikes.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

Apparently, the boys are voting for Erica or Paige. It seems to be split down the middle. David, the super fan, tells Erica to her face that he’s going to vote for her. I don’t know why he thinks his honesty is so cool – he’s an idiot. She cries for a bit, and then confronts him at the pool, which is probably the best part of this episode. She says something like, “You’re ugly and a loser. You call yourself a fan, that’s pathetic.” I agree it’s pathetic to call yourself a fan, but I’m not above it. I’m a fan. However, I’m not SUCH a fan that I’d be willing to risk the health of my vagina to go on this show as a super fan and catch every STD under the sun. So she’s right he’s pathetic. However, she’s just as pathetic for thinking she’s a celebrity of sorts. She says to him, “You’d never be on the regular show.” Again, like being on the regular show is such an honor? Like only the best and coolest are on the show? Umm, no Erica. Look around you, sister. I’m not saying all the contestants are horrible people, but I also wouldn’t say they only pick the cleanest and most beautiful, right?

So the girls are voting off SWAT Chris for obvious reasons – he’s a little weird, none of the girls want to bang him and he’s a super fan. The house has divided itself between super fan and alumni. The guys are debating between Paige and Erica, with all the guys lying about who they plan to vote off, so it’s difficult to keep track of who is doing what and why. Also, I don’t really care.

In the end, SWAT Chris is going home who expresses sadness in the limo because he really wanted to go on the show to start a relationship. I mean, seriously? For being a super fan, he should realize that’s not a great plan. Also, he’s gay too. My friend: “Fuck, this show has more gay men on it then Project Runway.”

Paige is sent home for the girls. I’d rather have her there than Erica, but I’d say on the grand scale of things, it’s certainly not something I’m going to lose sleep over. God, I miss Jef.

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Bachlorette Finale Recap - Two hours and twenty minutes too long

What do you think, peeps? Good ending? I think most of us preferred Jef, right? As much as I loved him and wanted him for myself, I’m glad Emily picked him. If you really love someone, you set him free – isn’t that the saying? Go Jef, be with her. If it’s meant to be, you will find me.

Anyhoo, this week is a red-letter week because it marks the first time this season that I watched this show WITH someone. At home, my husband wants no part of this shit, but I’m on vacation in Lake Tahoe with one of my very best friends. I was dismayed to hear she doesn’t watch this show. I mean, how are we friends? I began to doubt everything. Maybe we’d have to cut the vacation short? Alas, she vowed to watch the entire three hours with me, which perhaps means she’s the best friend of all. That is a LOT to ask of someone who doesn’t watch the show. Well, it turned out, she was by far the most entertaining part of my night. She has a lot of anger and disgust for this crap and was pretty blown away so her comments were amazing. I asked if I could incorporate them into my blog post today and take credit for them…She said yes, but that doesn’t feel right. So when she has a gem for you, I’m quoting her directly. Brace yourself. So let’s get started.

They’re in Curacao and Ricki is there… with a fanny pack.

My friend: “How old is Ricki? Because that is not a 6-year-old body.”

Meet the Maynards 

Emily tells us she is in love with two guys and also, she is very bronzed. Her family is there to meet the guys and give her their opinions. Her Dad seems normal and very Dad-like. Her mother, Suzy, will look like Magda from “There’s Something About Mary” in about 10 years. And her brother turns out to be sweet, but he is scary as fuck out of the gate.

So Jef meets the family first and does a bang-up job. Suzy grills him but he answers in his poetic way and once again, I find myself wanting him to be naked on top of me. I get the feeling Suzy does too. He ends it with, “I want to marry her and love her forever.” Sigh…Her brother takes Jef away next and his face says, “I’m going to fucking kill this dude.” And he opens with, “Ricky (big Ricky) was perfect and nobody has ever lived up to him or given her what he did.” Well, okaaaaaay then, thanks. But then out of nowhere, he loves him. Jef talks to Pops next and asks for his approval if he proposes to Emily, and of course, Dad agrees. Everyone looooves Jef.

Arie is up next and he is very, very bronzey as well. And right away, he’s sweaty as balls. It’s extreeeeemely painful and awkward at first and my friend is confused as to why I’m trying to lift up the sofa in our condo to climb under it.

It starts to get a little better and Arie presents them with a gift: a box of all the roses Emily has given him throughout the show. “It symbolizes all the memories”, he says. They look genuinely touched.

My friend: “Thanks for the dead roses, Arie. In one box. We will…share them…somehow. Thank you.”

Magda talks to Arie and oddly, this crazy bird is totally growing on me. And she loves Arie too. And scary brother Ernie also digs Arie. He says he’s at a loss of what to tell his sister because he loves them both. Dad loves Arie. Shit, even I love Arie right now.

After they’re both gone, Emily asks her family’s advice and I’m sure they would agree with this: They are by far the least opinionated, least helpful family in the history of this show. It must be the Southern classy thing again. Nobody has the balls to speak up. Doesn’t even the sister-in-law want to say, “Well, that Arie guy IS a little sweaty.”

Finally, Magda and Pops say that it’s probably not realistic that she’s in love with two guys and Magda tells her maybe it’s wise to hold off on getting engaged. Emily and her uterus don’t like this rational voice-of-reason. She needs an engagement and baby STAT.

Back to the studio audience. I’m not enjoying this audience-participation thing. Just play the finale and then the special afterwards. Leave the dickwad audience out of it. And they are a bunch of dickwads… It’s fun to watch the two or three guys there – they are not happy.

Back to the show. We see Ricki frolicking with Emily again, as she gets ready for her date with Jef.

My friend: “Does Ricki have a disease or something?” (I look at her with wide eyes that say, “holy shit, did you just fucking say that? Brutal.”) She says, “No, no, the fanny pack. Why the fanny pack? Is she carrying insulin or something?” This makes me laugh.

Jef Date 

Jef and Emily meet on the beach for their last date. He asks how she is and she says that she’s stressed. He asks what is she stressed about?

My friend: “Are my teeth white enough?”

Jef admits there is still some doubt because he still hasn’t met Ricki. So it doesn’t take long for her to tell him that they’re going to play with Ricki today. Right then, I know how this finale will end. Emily would get too much shit from the crazies out there if she introduced Ricki to both men. Emily is too pious to do that, too. God, I’m good at this show. It’s so pathetic.

My friend: “Wow, her chomps are terrifying.”

They head over to the house she’s staying at, with Ricki, and they meet her and play in the pool. Jef is pretty cute and does a good job winning over Ricki and her fanny pack. I might add here that Ricki is much more comfortable in bodies of water than Emily. She does flips and doesn’t even plug her nose. Impressive.

Emily says she knows he’d be the best father, and Jef says meeting Ricki was the final piece of the puzzle.

My friend: “They’re just a fucking family right now. Is he going to propose in the pool?”

They hang out later and he gives her a fancy coffee table book about Curacao that he’s graffiti-ed with stick drawings of them. I admit, I sort of dig it. She laughs and laughs. They talk and talk about their “journey” and the places they’re gone to, and I’m squinting to understand them.

My friend: “Are they speaking a fucking foreign language? I can’t understand a goddamn thing. Also, is he a virgin?”

They spend some time perusing the book before he leaves.

My friend: “Why does he have a tattoo of the Sean John logo on his arm?”

This is an impressive observation. She then spends the next 20 minutes online sleuthing his tattoo. Apparently, it’s a tattoo of a word his Dad came up with, combining the names of all his siblings. It DOES use the same Sean John font though.

Chris Visit 

Despite the fact she says she woke up with a sense of peace, she invites Smitty over to chat, because he’s been through so much and knows about this show, etc.

My friend: “Is he a fucking psychologist? What the?”

 She tells Chris that Jef is the one, but immediately starts crying as she talks about Arie. She says she just can’t go on a date with him, knowing what she feels for Jef now. Smitty tells her to be honest with Arie and that he thinks she’s doing the right thing.

Arie "Date

Meanwhile, Arie goes to a creepy old witch lady who forces him to make a love potion with her. Without Emily. Isn’t he concerned as to why he’s alone on this date? He asks the lady, “Umm, do you know where Emily is?” She replies, “Oh no no no, Emily not coming.” Just kidding.

This is all just super dick of the show’s producers, by the way…but it doesn’t shock me with Mike Fleiss at the helm. That guy is smarmy.

Arie says to the Bachelor cam, “This is my last date with Emily!”

My friend: “Yeah, forever.”

He sits on a bench and waits for her, and gives her the happiest hello ever when she gets there. Ugg, this is painful. I might have to dive under the sofa for this one.

He tells Emily he made a cool love potion for her. “Super”, she replies, “I’ll bring this to Jef later.”

My friend (who is doing a modified version of couch-hiding): “ I can’t handle this. I’m going on Pinterest. I can’t watch.”

Emily does a less-than-stellar job of telling him to piss off. I get that it’s super awkward but she definitely fails a little. She keeps saying she has more confidence with her relationship with Jef. Why can’t she just say that she fell deeper in love with Jef? That’s honest and not shocking…I mean, they’re on the fucking Bachelor. It’s not like he doesn’t KNOW there’s another dude. Fuck.

She keeps blabbing on, “I always thought it would be you.” Emily…stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. And then silence. Please say something else. Fuck this is painful.

He gets up to walk away and says, “There’s nothing else to say”, as Emily chases him.

My friend: “This isn’t about getting your needs met, Emily.” I glance at her. She glances at me. “OK I’m going to keep pinning now.”

He is pissed but remains a gentleman (unlike pissy Ben Flajnik’s departure), so I’m glad Arie didn’t turn into a total douche bag.

In the car, he’s just sad, says he feels stupid and naïve, etc. He said that he still believes she’s the love of his life. Fuck, this is sad. I consider getting on Pinterest.

Back to studio audience. Smitty: “That was very sad. It’s clearly affected everyone here in the studio.” Pan to the audience to see a bunch of sad saps. You overhear the producer yelling, “OK people, we’re sad, we’re sad, hold it, hold it….no smiles, please. Hold the sadness. Cry if you can…and CUT!”

All of a sudden we’re interviewing JP and Ashley? What the fuck? Hang on, I get it. Emily jacked the finale by cutting out the entire Arie date, so we needed some filler. Ashley and JP have grown on me, but I could do without Deanna. And she could do without those jeans. Then we talk to Michael, who is fun I suppose, but who the hell is Ashley Spivey?

The Proposal

Back to the show. Emily woke up with so much love, that she and Ricki decided to spend some time writing in their journals. And she still has her insulin fanny pack.

My friend has completely bailed out at this point, by the way. She might be asleep.

Neil Lane definitely gets the short end of this stick. He has a twenty-second appearance and doesn’t get any therapist time, like he previously has. Jef picks out a big ‘ol rock and he’s on his way.

Emily and Jef are both getting ready for the big proposal night. Her dress is hoooorendous. Peach madness. Wow.

My friend (who has reemerged. I think she just needed a five-minute mental break): “Fuck, pageants R Us. Wow.”

They’re playing up some fake drama now about whether Jef will propose or not…and whether Emily will say yes or not. Of course he will. And of course she will. Geesh.

Emily makes it to shanty-town Curacao, the backdrop for this season’s big proposal. I get it – the ocean views are windy and annoying, but really this is the next best thing? It’s an alley in Curacao. And they set up a stage. And Jef walks through a fake shitty gate. I would be willing to bet this does not line up with Emily’s dream proposal.

My friend: “Is this where they make their love blossom? On this shitty set with shitty plants in a shitty alley?”

Jef arrives and Emily tells him that he’s the one. She also tells him that he was the only one to meet Ricki (duh…Jef probably knew he had it in the bag too)

Jef does an amazing job memorizing a pretty good speech. It’s very sweet and he again sounds like a friggin poet. He tells Em-dawg that God puts the right people in our lives when the time is right, and he’s so grateful she didn’t give up on love. He ends with, “If you let me into your life, I’ll never let you feel lonely ever again.” The boy is good.

He gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him. She waits forever to answer him and finally say yes.

My friend: “They paid her per second. Assholes.”

They play the “Glory of Love” and montage together their “journey”. I begin to tear up and I try really hard to hide it from my friend. But it gets even a tad cheesy for me. Good lord.

There’s been some debate among my friends about why they chose to use this song…I think they used it because it’s awesome. I have a soft spot for Peter Cetera. Another friend thinks the Bachelor franchise is too fucking cheap to spend money for the rights to more popular and current songs. The last argument is that the REAL target audience for this show is 40-year-old desperate housewives and this song is more in our range. I admit, it brought me right back to Ralph Macchio Karate Kid days.

My Friend: “Thank God, that was a long three hours.” I reply, “Umm, that was only two.” Friend: “FUCK!”

After the Final Rose

The After the Final Rose portion was pretty boring, mostly because Jef and Emily are still happy so there is no drama. Emily blabs on about how great Jef is…

My friend: “Her likeness to Jessica Simpson makes me think she’s dumber than she actually is.”

Arie comes out and looks like a sad little girl. He’s pretty sweet and I feel bad for him, but he’s looking a tad pussy-ish. He’s clearly not over her at all. But I am pleased to see they finally found the poor guy some powder.

He tells her that he wishes she was more direct with him and she admits she’s not good at being the bearer of bad news. See? This is boring.

Apparently, he flew to Charlotte after the season ended to see Emily but decided not to go through with it. A mature move, actually. He decided to leave her his journal, which she tells him she didn’t read. I’m about to ditch this show.

Chris asks if he was shocked the day Emily dumped him. He says he was shocked and never thought about other guys. Well, that’s just ridiculous. Hello? She’s on a show where the entire premise is to date 25 dudes. It’s not shocking she met someone else.

My friend has left the room, by the way.

Anyway, not much else interesting with Arie. I’m sure he’ll be pounding chicks down the Nascar circuit so he’s all good.

Jef comes out next and I see he’s gotten a hold of her bronzer. They blab about how wonderful they both are and how much they love each other. I’m so tired. For the love of God, let’s wrap it up. I do notice that Jef looks funny here. It might be nerves, but it might be a little diarrhea. That’s what it looks like – he looks like he might shit his pants any minute and he’s trying to hold it in.

They talk about having secret meetings and hanging out with Ricki. Emily says that Jef was probably exhausted after that weekend with Ricki and he replies, “Um yeah, that was different for me.” Oh shit, he has no clue what he’s gotten himself into.

They rewatch the proposal and Chris asks what took her so long to say yes. It took ten seconds, he says…

My friend: “LIAR! It was 15 seconds because I timed it!” She’s back apparently, and more invested in this show than I thought.

At the next commercial, Chris Harrison tells us he wants to bring our attention to an issue that they care strongly about, here at the Bachelor. It’s about...protecting our oceans. I can honestly say this is the last thing I ever thought would have come out of his mouth. What. The. Fuck. Why do they care about the ocean? Because they’ve been polluting it with sperm for almost a decade?

Back to the show. Jef and Emily tell us they might get married next spring in Charleston, after they take a trip to Africa. They also tell us he’s moving to Charlotte. Interesting. I feel like these two will actually make it. I tell my friend this and she replies, “Well fuck yes. He’s Mormon and she has a kid. And she’s done this show once before and failed. They might be miserable one day but they will never break up.”

Good point, actually. Sorry for the shit recap, but I’m pooped. However, I’m actually excited for Bach Pad tonight…but my friend is not.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Bachelorette "Men Tell All" Recap - I miss Jef.

This show doesn’t need to be two hours. FUCK. Sorry, I get a little ornery by the end of the season. And the thought of blogging a fucking three-hour finale next week and then the Bachelor Pad the next day is almost too much for this gal. But I’m committed, dammit. God that’s pathetic.

Anyhoo, tonight was the Men Tell All episode, which is half-ass entertainment. Of course, Sean is still perfect, Ryan is still arrogant (and tan) and Kalon is still a douche bag. And by the way? That dude is not cute. If he procreated with Emily, the kid would have big teeth.

 "OMG, Becky, Kalon is like, such a loser."

Chris first sits with Emily and chats about “unforgettable moments”. Everything they chat about is discussed AGAIN with the guys, in the studio, so this part is stupid. (See? I told you I’m over this) WAIT! I just realized why I don’t like this episode. Jef isn’t there. Now it makes sense.

The only half interesting part was when we saw “moments the audience didn’t see”, which only confirms some of the earlier shit talking I did this season. For example, Travis really is a massive dork. Your ostrich egg was stupid, but you made Emily sing to it? What part of you thought that would turn her on? I may have sent him home right then and there. At the very least, I would have said, “In all honesty, I’m probably sending you home soon, but on the off-chance I keep you one more week, you need to cut this weird shit out. Stat.”

Arie’s creepy twin brothers hide in the bush to watch them make out. Well, if they weren’t creepy before, that cemented it. I wonder if they masturbate together too. Twins are weird.

For sure, the best parts of this entire episode were the Bachelor Pad previews and sneak peaks. It’s almost as if the Producers can read my mind. They know we’re exhausted over the Emily season and the idea of committing to another six weeks from this franchise is unimaginable. So they need to prove that there will be entertainment. Well, I’m fucking sold. I admit it. I want to see pussy Tony cry about his son while trying to bang chicks. And I want to see psycho Chris, and overly sexed Jamie and cougar Blakeley, etc. I’m mildly annoyed Erica is back again – I like new blood. And Michael coming back again is a bit overdone, but we all like Michael, right? And he gets it on with Rachel who I dig, so that could be fun.

Chris brings the men out next and it’s funny to see some of the early folks who never stood a chance. Poor Joe. Chris recaps some of the guys’ best scenes (Just check it, says Doug). And then we spend some time tearing apart the guys. Ryan is arrogant, Chris gets mad at the smallest stuff (well, duh) and Kalon is just an idiot. Sigh, this is going to be a long two hours.

Side note: Wolf is wearing pink pants. And I dig it.

Kalon in the hot seat 

Kalon sits in the hot seat and I love Smitty so much here. He definitely comes closest to saying what I would say if I was there. With less “fucks” and “douche bags”, but it’s not bad.

He asks Kalon first why he even came on the show since he knew it was Emily and she had a kid. He admits that when he found out it was Emily, it was a huge issue that she had a daughter. Aaaand then he doesn’t really answer the question. I don’t think it’s a secret that he wants to be cool and famous…and he thinks he can bang hotter whores with a little TV exposure. Ladies – If you live in LA and this douche bag propositions you, please say no. You’re worth more that. ANYONE is worth more than this fuck.

Smitty asks him if he thought it was rude to tell Emily to “run along” when she came up to them while they were practicing, during the Shakespeare date. He says, “It’s a unique scenario and some people thrive and some don’t.” Ummm, OK. This is like my husband asking me, “What do you want for dinner, honey?” and me saying, “Turtles are very curious creatures, you know. Also, ambulances are loud.” WTF, right? Not exactly on-topic? Exactly.

Onto the baggage discussion… Kalon called Ricki “baggage” and Emily was outraged. Let’s be honest here. Kalon doesn’t mean that Ricki is a fucking asshole. He means, dating Emily means taking on a whole CHILD, which is a lot. And it is…he’s right. He didn’t want that and other guys were ready for it. That’s honest, and acceptable in my book. Kalon’s problem is that he’s a fucking douche bag about the way he communicates this.

Ryan in the hot seat 

After some recaps of Ryan’s douchebagness during the show, Ryan begins by telling Chris, “I’m very confident in me, but I’m also very confident in who God made me to be.” Again, this is like me saying, “Honey, I’d like a burrito for dinner, but also, I’d love Mexican food, like a burrito.”

Chris tries to yell at him, I think, but he ends up making Ryan look completely normal and he looks more fucking psycho than ever before. I mean, he’s not only immature, but he’s got a bit of a temper problem, no? If I asked Chris what he wanted for dinner, he’d say, “FUCK! I want a fucking burrito, did I not make that clear?!?! FUCK!!!! AHH!”

I’m sliding off course here. Sorry.

Ryan talks about his comment that he made to Emily when discussing her fake future weight gain. If Emily decided to get fat after they were married he said, “Well, I’d still love you, but I probably wouldn’t love ON you as much.” They even flashback to the day in the park and show Emily’s friends horrified at Ryan. Here’s Wendy, who clearly wants to smack Ryan. Also, Wendy is now my new best friend. For reals. She’s awesome and says fuck a lot and we’re going to run away together one day and open up some kind of shit-talking business.

 Wendy + Jen = BFF

OK Back to the “not loving on you as much” comment… Ryan got nailed for saying that, of course. But you know what? This is true fucking fact – true. We all would rather bang hotter people than fat people. Sorry, it’s true. If you’re married, yes, you’d still love your fat wife or husband, but you wouldn’t want to bang them as much. I’m a little fatter than I was when I was 22 and I’d much rather bang 22 year-old Jen than 37-year-old-post-twin-birth Jen. He’s right. HOWEVER, and I mean HOW-FUCKING-EVER: YOU DON’T SAY THAT WHEN YOU’RE TRYING TO WIN OVER A CHICK. You don’t throw that out there. You don’t admit it. Ever. We all know it’s true. You lie about it. Keep your mouth shut and lie…THAT is how you win over a woman.

Do I need to re-evaluate my moral code?

Chris in the hot seat 

Newsflash: Besides Chris’ immaturity and rage problem, his biggest issue is a massive lack of self-esteem. He says he’s confident but everything about him just oozes pussy (Ewww, that came out wrong). He just seems like a scared little kid. And if I put down my bitchy blogger attitude for a second, in all honesty, I’d say he seems like a decent guy. He’s just gotta work some shit out and grow up a couple years. He’ll be a real catch in 2018. This is also why you shouldn’t get married in your twenties. Because we’re all fucking crazy in our twenties. I mean, in my twenties I seriously considered becoming a dolphin trainer and I wanted to marry a guy who planned on playing in his cover band and cheating on me the rest of his life. Not okay.

 "I am full of rage watching this clip. I am literally going to turn into the Hulk."

Chris talks to him about how sad he was when Emily dumped him and he said he loved her 110%, blah blah blah and how he’s only really loved one other girl before and that was “young love”. It all makes sense now, right? Who marries the SECOND person they loved? I married the SEVENTH person I loved. And I was fucking heartbroken and pissed six times before that.

Chris asks him, “Do you think you anger easily?" I love Smitty. He’s slowly replacing my love for Jef. OK not really, but maybe a little.

Sean in the hot seat 

The girls are going crazy for him and everything he says is completely sweet and normal. The guy is literally perfect. And it does nothing for me. Like Emily, I apparently appreciate a guy with edge too. This is boring.

Sean watches clips of their time together and says it’s hard to watch and it’s hard to see Emily so emotional. See? Too fucking sweet. You can’t say a bad thing about this guy. There’s no doubt ABC is currently scouring their contract with Roberto as the next Bachelor to see if they can’t squeeze Sean in there instead.

Sean again mentions how he’s never had his heart broken and his Mom tells him that this heartbreak will be good for him in the long run. We all need to have our heart broken. It’s character building. And it teaches you how to deal with disappointment. And it shows you how, mostly, love just blows. KIDDING. But anyway, Sean’s mom and I are totes on the same page! I said that last week! I feel so validated!

Emily in the hot seat 

Emily probably chooses Jef, because let’s face it – you’d be crazy not to….and apparently they’ve been very busy having round-the-clock, very athletic sex these past months, because holy shit this chick is skinny. Wow. And her boobers are huge.

She says hi to the guys, and a special hi to Sean. Smitty asks her if it’s tough to see Sean? I can’t hear her answer because Chris is shouting, “Hey! Hey! What about me?! It’s hard to see me too, right?!?”

She tells Sean she had real feelings for him and Sean thanks her for opening his eyes to love again. Thank god these two didn’t pick each other, or else their conversation would constantly be putting themselves to sleep.

We briefly touch on Doug and the horrible awkward kiss he plants on her while she’s dumping him. I can’t even write about it without being under my sofa. Soooo painful.

Kalon tells her he’s sorry for his behavior but he’s using it as a growing experience. Emily tells him it’s the biggest load of shit she’s ever heard. It’s super endearing when Emily drops swear words. It’s those times I think we could be friends.

Finally, the bloopers, which are all friggin stupid. Emily freaks out about spilling wine on her dress. It’s those times I think we could never be friends.

However, Smitty saves the crappy blooper reel by asking Emily casually how many guys she hopes to sleep with during this whole thing? Without skipping a beat, she answers, “All 25, that would be a success.” It’s those times I think we could be friends.

The previews for the finale make me cry because Jef says, “I feel like we’ll have a love that makes the storybooks jealous.” I got chills. I admit it. I also got the opposite kind of chills when I keep seeing Arie face-grab while kissing Emily. Cut that out. Yucks.

The finale is two hours this coming Sunday – not Monday. After the two-hour finale, there’s a one-hour LIVE “After the Final Rose” special, which is awesome, yes, but three hours is painful. I don’t want to do anything for three hours.

Finally, next Monday is Bachelor Pad. I think one could get an STD from just WATCHING this show, but I’m willing to risk it. Bring it on.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap - What's worse? Arie's shine or Sean's Toms?

Do you feel like there’s finally a light at the end of the tunnel? Two more weeks, peeps. Two more weeks. Of course, that brings us to Herpes Bachelor Pad, but I need a Jef break. He’s consuming my thoughts. And my marriage.

We’re down to three dudes this week: Sean (hot, too much muscle, not much interesting stuff going on behind those eyes), Jef (don’t even get me started…he’s the Chosen one), and Arie (cute, fun, but overly shiny and a bit of a molester-type vibe. Also, can she really drink from the racecar-driver-well twice? Actually three times, because apparently she dated Dale Earnhardt Jr. before. I digress)

They head to Curacao and Emily tells us how hard this week will be for her because she feels so strongly about them all. Translation: She feels really strongly for Jef and Arie, and feels super bad about dumping Sean. She gives us a rundown of each guy:

Sean – “He’s what I want in a husband. He’d always be there for me. It’s deeper than just having butterflies for a guy.” Translation: He is a perfect guy on paper and I want to shoot myself for not having any feelings for him whatsoever. Also “deeper than just having butterflies” means, “I don’t have any butterflies.” As a final note, despite all my blabber about Jef and that I actually might bang him if given the chance, I love my husband – and I don’t get butterflies anymore. He leaves the door open when he shits, for fucks’ sake. Butterflies go away when you’re married. Except if you’re Kevin Bacon’s wife who claims she still gets butterflies, which means she’s a liar. Jesus, is it tangent day? Chill out, Jen.

Jef – “He’s his own person and marches to his own drum completely.” Yikes. This worries me for Jef. When you set out to find a husband, your list doesn’t look like this: 1) Funny 2) Loving 3) Loyal 4) Marches to his own drum. Anyway, she says he makes her laugh, which is KEY…this is why all of a sudden I think she picks him in the end. Because of that, and that damn letter.

Arie – “There’s a youthfulness about him.” Huh? Why is that good? So he’ll sleep in until noon like an 18-year old and forget his car payments? Youthfulness is super fun in a husband. (?) She also starts weeping a bit saying if she was with him, he’d love her forever. Why are we crying, Em? Cause you’re planning on dumping him? Also of note: Jef is the only one who she talks about how she FEELS about HIM, instead of his husband qualifications.

Before her three dates this week, Emily vows to make the most of her time with each guy. Translation: hump their brains out, but not on camera so Ricki doesn’t know.

Side note: Wouldn’t it be fun if I followed Emily around in real life as her translator? For everything she said, I would pop my head over her shoulder and translate what her polite Southern-lady ways were really trying to say. Emily: “Yes, I’d like a refill of iced tea while I wait for my lunch. Thank you.” Jen: “She wants her fucking salad. Hurry the fuck up!”

Sean Date 

They take a helicopter to a private island…and they sit there. Awkward-city. He’s gotten by his whole life on being hot and nice, so he’s never had to be mister funny or mister charming. They talk about the family visit and Emily says his sister told her that Sean treated his ex-girlfriends like buddies. Ummm, why would uncool sister say that to a chick he’s trying to woo? (Woo=best word ever) Sean explains that it was just the last girlfriend who super loved him, but he didn’t love her back, so he never held her hand, etc. Here’s what I think: Sean is hot, super sweet and kind and has a great family. But a good heartbreak for this guy might do him wonders. He’s probably never been dumped before. You don’t really know about relationships until you get hurt. How does one know what love is until your super mean ex-boyfriend calls you a cunt in front of your sorority sisters at a frat party and then dumps YOU the next day and dates a girl with flowing blond hair who will drive you crazy with jealousy for the next ten months? Not that I’m speaking from personal experience.

They decide the silence is too painful and go snorkeling, which seems impossible with Emily’s requirement to plug her nose when jumping into bodies of water, no?

After a day of talking and snorkeling (aka sitting in silence and walking in water), they head to dinner and some chill time by the fire. I actually have no idea if there was a fire. There usually is. Anyway, Sean reads Emily a letter that he wrote as if he’s Ricki’s dad? I’m confused. Also, he has girly handwriting. I think he was hired by the producers to write the fantasy suite cards as well.

The note says he’d never replace her dad and he’d love her forever or something, I don’t know, I’m not listening. I know Sean is over-confident, though. “This is going to mean a lot to her.” And “My life is going to change drastically and I’m excited for that.” See? That’s what happens when everything always works out for you. You don’t even comprehend the idea of her NOT choosing you.

He reads the fantasy suite card and Em Dawg doesn’t hesitate to say yes. They head back and Sean is stoked because 1) He thinks he’s getting his dick wet, let’s be honest, and 2) He says, “I’m really excited about tonight, because its just me and her. There are no distractions. That’s how it’s going to be for the rest of our lives.” Ummmmmmm does the word RICKI mean anything to you? No distractions? Hello? Kids are the biggest distractions of all! My daughter stands with me when I shit because she doesn’t want to leave my side. You think you guys will have six seconds of privacy ever again? Wrong! It’s parenthood and it’s a marriage killer, deal with it. (kiiiiidding)

Anyway, she boots him out of the fantasy suite in hopes of setting a good example for the Rickster. You’re on the Bachelorette, girlfriend. Your cover is blown, no? Maybe she was just turned off by his Toms. Or, as my friend texted, Emily is probably just on the rag.


Jef Date 

They head out on a pirate ship of some sort. I don’t know, I’d just be pissed it’s not a yacht. There’s a lot of talk between them about “getting” each other. She gets me, I get her, etc. There’s also a lot of talk about the Rickmeister. He’s worried. He digs this chick but it’s almost as if Jef JUST realized he’ll have Rickibomb around his ass 24 hours a day. Sure, she might be a good kid, but that’s different than meeting someone and THEN introducing chaos into your house together. Jef is smart to at least be thinking about it. But again, he could do no wrong in my book. Even when he says “It’s time to bridle our passions”. If anyone else said that I’d be ripping him a new one, but with Jef it sounds sophisticated.

Also, I want to hump him.

They have a fun day jumping off boats and things and guess what?

Em still hasn’t figured out the “blow out your nose really hard when you hit the water” trick. Seriously, just blow out. Stop plugging your nose. FUCK, it’s driving me nuts. My 4-year olds jump off diving boards and don’t plug their noses. How have THEY figured it out, but Em hasn’t? She doesn’t really scream athleticism. It’s OK – she’s hot. I’ve said it before, that’s God’s way of equaling things out. You can’t have it all. Me? I’m funny and have great feet, but I don’t look like Emily and when I bend over forward, my stomach looks like something out of a fucking horror movie (Thanks, twins!)

 This makes me want to stab my eyes out with jealousy.

They chat at dinner and Jef asks her why her past relationships haven’t worked out, and if he’d be a good fit for Ricki and where she wants to live. It’s all very sweet and normal. But I can tell he’s worried about the Rickinator.

When she gives him the fantasy suite card, he tells her that he’d respect her decision not to go, because he understands how Ricki is watching (please don’t say she’s watching), and their families would see it (Mormon parents) and it’s OK because pretty soon they’ll be spending every night in their own fantasy suite (Me = jealous).

They go hang out for awhile in the fantasy suite and make out. But their passions were bridled, don’t worry. (My passion for Jef? Not bridled)

Pan to my living room:

Jen: (yelling out of the room) “Rob? Did we ever have unbridled passion?”
Rob: “I’m taking a shit, I’ll be right there.”
Jen: “Sounds good! Woo, that Indian food didn’t treat you right, huh? Shit stinks!”
Rob: “No kidding. I feel like there’s a hot spike in my ass. Anyway, what did you ask me?”
Jen: “Nothing. Question answered.”

Arie Date 

This date is 95% making out, 2% talking and 3% being scared off by dolphins. (FYI – His kisses are still very slow, slobbery and graphic)

They head out on a boat too, but this is more “catamaran-like” than “pirate ship-like”. They put on some snorkel gear, which Emily struggles to use, and they go swimming with dolphins in the ocean. She is, not surprisingly, freaking out and Arie is holding her, while treading water, which might feel like someone is drowning you, no? Get the fuck off me. Emily realizes now that Arie would make a good dad. Wait, what? I think she meant to say “good lifeguard”.

They make out on the boat for a bit, where they attempt to stop and speak every now and then, probably because the producers are yelling at them, “Umm guys? Guys? You need to talk a little. It’s a TV show?”

He tells her that he thinks she saves the good dates for him and she says with excitement, “Yeah, like Dollywood!” To which he replies, “Riiiiight, I forgot. Dollywood. Mmm hmm. That was…yeah, awesome. Right.”

At dinner, I have to admit, Arie does a decent job of finally taking his tongue out of her throat for a minute and sounding like a normal, mature adult. Well, until he tells Emily he wakes up at 9am and goes out to dinner every night. But Emily tells him that she wants someone to come in and love Ricki like she’s his own. Really? I would never expect a guy who hasn’t met my kids before to love them like they were his own? I would actually settle for “I hope you don’t want to kill them cause they can be little assholes sometimes.” Arie agrees with me and tries to set her straight saying it’s probably more like a slow progression - he needs to first be Ricki’s friend and win her over a bit and love will grow from there. Makes sense to me.

They blab on a little bit more about how they dig each other. Emily says that she always looks for him and he’s always been the light at the end of the tunnel for her. Even when she picks up other guys for dates, she’d always look for him. This doesn’t sound good for my Jeffy…

She decides not to give him the fantasy suite card because she “doesn’t trust herself” that she’ll be able to keep her throbbing loins off of him. Really? But he’s so shiny.

I know one dude who is not pleased with this season’s fantasy suite episode. Smitty. Cause he can’t hide under the bed and masturbate like other seasons. (This is a long-standing hypothesis of mine).

Rose Ceremony 

Let’s get this out of the way. What the fuck is she wearing? Her boobs look ginormous, by the way. But that outfit? My friend says it best: “Is her skirt supposed to be like shells? So stupid and heavy and hot. Almost as stupid as the Swarovski bird.”

Emily spends a good hour crying to Chris Harrison about the rose ceremony. She’s not torn about her decision – she knows Sean is getting the boot, but just feels really bad about it. He is a nice guy, and his Dad was a saint, so she feels bad. I get that, I would too. Emily might plug her nose when jumping in water, but I think she’s still a nice person. So yeah, that would blow.

Smitty is grilling her a bit since she’s not admitting too much. She says, “I just feel really bad” and he says “I’m sorry” and she says “It’s Ok” and he says, “I know, but it sucks.” Which is why I love Smitty for keeping it real. Maybe Smitty is more my type than Jef…and by “my type” I mean, “Older and divorced and more down to bang me even with my fucked up stomach”. It looks normal again when I lie down. Smitty? You interested?

Emily then watches painfully awkward video messages, with each promising to love her forever blah blah blah. I admit, I’m jealous. This chick is STOKED.

At the rose ceremony, she tells the guys that she can see her fairy tale ending but with any one of the three guys left! Good move, I’m sure they LOVED hearing that. She then gives a rose to Jef, and one to Arie, sending Sean home.

I have to admit, it was fun to watch because for once I had no idea who she was going to send home. I certainly didn’t think she had a whole lot of chemistry with Sean, but they edit these damn things in ways to confuse us sometimes, so I was worried poor Jef wouldn’t make the cut. But he did…it’s down to him and Arie. I’m not sure what she’ll do. She seems to have more love for Jef, but more physical attraction to Arie. I worry Jef might be too much of a world traveler for her, because in reality she just wants to be a soccer mom. Arie might be too much of a kid though and not ready for this parent-action. Also, I’m sad I’ve put this so much goddamn thought into this.

Back to Sean’s departure…Sean is shocked and Emily does very little to explain herself. She sits in silence for a bit…and then tells him that she wanted it to be him so badly. Uhh, thanks? But he was a gentleman. In the limo, he said, “I pictured myself with her and the big family that she wanted. I had a beautiful picture of what my life was going to look like and now it’s gone.” Ouch. Also, meet your next Bachelor, America.

Next week is Men Tell All and then the finale airs on SUNDAY, JULY 22nd, not Monday, just FYI. See you next week, friends.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap - Where are all the weird families? Oh Arie's Mom - there it is.

Ahhh, the hometowns. A lot of weird shit going on out there, people. Let’s dive in.

Emily voiceovers herself for awhile, recapping the four remaining dudes. In a nutshell: Chris has many qualities she would want in a husband, Jef would make the best Dad, her future with Arie would be wonderful and Sean would give her the perfect life. Sounds similar, right? Here’s the unfiltered version…by “unfiltered”, I mean, what goes in Emily’s head, BEFORE it comes out her mouth translated and edited by her Southern lady ways. Here goes: Chris is super sweet and a nice guy, but also a total fucking pussy with the self-esteem of a toaster. I have to pretend I like him because the producers made me go to four hometowns. Jef is hot, quirky and I’ve never wanted to be naked with someone so badly in my life. I’m not entirely sure we’re meant to be together forever, but I will choose him just so I can hump him for a few months. Arie is great, but I don’t want to have Christmas day with his creepy mom for the next 40 years. OK She’ll say that AFTER the hometowns, but I couldn’t help myself. And Sean…Sean is the most perfect specimen of a boy on paper I’ve ever seen. He’s perfect…too bad I don’t like him all that much or find him all that interesting. The best part about Emily’s voiceovers is that she’s putting herself to bed in the process. Walking around the house, turning off lights, etc. However, she looks like this:

Bitch, this better not be how you really look on your way to bed. If I had the balls I’d post a picture of what I look like right now, at 9pm ready for bed. It ain’t pretty. It involves a lot of shiny face (thanks to this great new night cream I’m trying out) and spots of acne medicine because for some reason this 37 year old is breaking out like a fucking teenager. Thanks hormones! Fuck I need a makeover. Damn you, Emily.

Chicago for Chris’ Date 

Emily is about to meet Chris in Chicago and says to the camera, “Chris told me he was falling in love with me. That made me feel great. I could see myself falling in love with him.” Good lord, snooze. She then adds, “Oh no no, I didn’t mean in THIS lifetime, no. But if it was a parallel universe or something, where you know, I was less cool, I might like him? Probably not then though, either.”

Chris is Polish. Veeery polish. And he’s from Chicago, says Emily, so “he knows all the cool places to take me”. Like this kick ass venue:

I mean, I’m surprised they could even get in the door, that place is such a hot spot. So anyway, they talk and he seems so NERVOUS and so unconfident. This is his downfall. Work on that and get back to me in five years. There’s an off-chance I might want you naked on top of me then. An off-chance, but you never know.

Bring on the weird families! I love this part! Chris warns us his Mom is overly emotional, his sister will be tough and his Dad is super Polish. Oh Em Gee. I start to get giddy – an overly emotional mom, a bitchy sister and a dad who nobody can understand? This has so much potential! It’s like a trifecta of hometown date awesomeness!

But wait…they’re all totally fine. Sister Renee is a tad wound up, but not unforgivable. Dad is as Polish as they come but sweet as shit. Mom loves Chris and tells him to go kick ass and get your girl! (With the most amazing Midwestern accent you’ve ever heard) Even the sisters are fine – cute and nice. Where are the bitchy ones? Where’s Julia Flajnik when you need her? However, we DO have some amazing Midwest décor to make fun of:

Emily talks to Dad, John, and it’s pretty sweet. Nothing too interesting, but he’s a nice normal guy. He says to Emily, in broken English, “So is there some love there?” I think he’s saying, “So you like him, right?” And Emily replies, “Of course, I wouldn’t be here if that’s not true. Well that and the contract that I have to go to four hometowns, but that’s another topic.”

Later Dad sits down with Chris and says, “She mentioned she was falling in love with you.” Oh JOHN! You DID ENT. Oh John, what have you done? First of all, you’re a liar. That is not at all what Emily said, but I blame this one on a “lost in translation” moment. However, after he says it, Chris has a small orgasm on the sofa. “She loves me!!?? Oh! OH!…uh oh.” He’s stoked and I know this isn’t going to end well. John also tells Chris she’s a stunning young lady…all the dads want to bang Emily, by the way. A common theme tonight.

The producers say to Chris, “So you’re going to go to a Polish restaurant and then dinner at your house? We’re going to need more than that. Ummm, how about a polish band at your place?” So they end the night dancing on a 10 by 10 square-foot patio where all the men take turns rubbing up against Emily.

Despite me yelling at my TV “DON’T SAY IT!” and my husbands repeated warnings to shut the fuck up or our kids will wake up and find out you watch the Bachelor…. All this false over-confidence makes Chris tell Emily that he’s in love with her. Oh boy.

Utah for Jef’s Date 

Warning: I plan on talking a lot about how I want to bang Jef in this section. Skip over if you have a weak stomach.

Emily certainly got the “you’ll be on a ranch” note, because she is decked out in a little dress and cowboy boots. Yee haw! Jef picks her up (and he looks hoooot) and straps her shit into a little off-road car thingy. Apparently, Jef’s family is loaded with this a-may-zing ranch. They drive around and then go shoot some clay pigeons out of the sky. Emily nails every one and Jef is turned on and impressed (note to self, sign up for skeet shooting lessons stat).

Emily tells Jef she takes gun lessons back home. Gun lessons? Is that how it’s listed in the yellow pages? Anyway, Jef tells Emily she’ll meet his brother Steve, his wife and “they have a few kids”. Few = thirty, apparently. She’ll also meet his other brother and a couple sisters. I don’t know. There are honestly so many of them, I lost count of who was who. Jef reiterates that his parents are away “doing charity work” in South Carolina. The “doing charity work” sounds very dubbed in. What’s the secrecy? We know he’s Mormon, right? And after this section, there’s no doubt they’re Mormon, so why isn’t it just discussed? Sure, there are some things to poke fun at with a good Mormon family, but shit, we’ve got Tom Cruise and his Scientology to compare to this week. Makes Mormons look chill. Those Scientologists are fucking crazy.

Emily chats with Steve and there’s a lot of discussion about “similar values”, goals and morals. Again, why can’t we call a spade a spade here? Steve should just say, “Look, we’re Mormon…We’re not asking you to be Mormon (yet), but you need to be a good chick who wants lots of kids and hopefully believes in God. You down?” Whatever she says, Steve approves and says she’s a good person who would complement Jef well. One more thing – the talk about values always cracks me up. We all actually have the same values: To be good people, raise good kids, be happy. Does he expect Emily to say something different? Like, “Well, I’d love Ricki to grow up comfortable with her naked body, so I’d love her to live in a house where porn is being filmed around-the-clock, and I also hope she learns to express her anger through violence to others.”

Emily sits with Jef’s fourteen sisters who again want to talk about goals and values. I get it, there should be MORE than just wanting someone naked on top of you that determines whether you should get married. I better go ask my husband what his values and goals are. Weird that’s never come up. Hmmm.

Another thing that bothers me here? THIS:

This chick is hot. Where are the weird troll sisters? The jealous bitches? The crazies? Of course, my perfect Jef has the perfect family. One thing is painfully obvious here. When Jef finds me and we have a torrid love affair…I will NOT fit in with his family. I’d sit down at the ranch and throw out a “fuck” or one tiny, innocent joke about being pooped on during sex and I’d be banned from Jef’s ranch for good. Also, I forget that I’m married. (Pssst, Jef. I’m not religious so I don’t have as many of those pesky adultery rules as you guys do. Give me a call. I’m actually pretty cute. And flexible. And I don’t actually like getting pooped on during sex, so don’t’ let that scare you.)

Jef writes her a letter, reads it to her….aaaand I’m bawling. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Crying during this shit show is the ultimate offense. I HATE IT when I do it, and leave it to Jef to make it happen. It was really sweet and touching. Mostly because I pretended he was reading it to me.

Scottsdale for Arie’s Date 

Arie takes Emily to his racetrack where he zooms around for a bit, and then makes her get in the car with him. Not too exciting so far. Where’s Mom Mieke? We need some excitement.

Arie and Emily sit on a blanket and chat where Arie warns her that his family is very different and quite “European”. He also warns that his mom will not be open-minded. I begin to get excited…this could be good.

phallic much?

At the house (which is very Scottsdale-esque), we meet Arie’s parents, twin brothers and sister. Mom Mieke is sporting a very sassy, odd turquoise number, and I keep expecting to see Arie’s brother’s heads spin around…in unison.

They sit down to chat when bitch-ass Mom starts talking to Arie and his Dad in Dutch. Fuck, that is so rude. Arie shouldn’t have even answered her, but he does and I want to punch him. Dude, so rude. Mieke – Not cool. Emily says, “I just can’t read Arie’s Mom!” Which is Southern nice girl talk for, “What a rude fucking bitch.” The

Turquoise Euro-bitch and Emily sit down to chat where she asks her what went wrong with Brad. Emily replies, “None of your fucking business, you Dutch whore.” But translated in Southern lady talk, it sounds more like, “I fell in love with him and have nothing bad to say about him, but I didn’t ask fundamental questions about whether we’re the same or not.”

Pan to my family room:

Jen: “Rob? Honey? Are we the same?”
Rob: “Huh?”
Jen: “You know, fundamentally?”
Rob: “What the fuck are you talking about…oh wait, is it Monday? Damn that show.”
Jen: “Just answer the question. Are we the same? It’s important. Cause if we’re not we might be doomed and there’s this new boy I love and I think he could love me if given the chance but his sisters would think I say fuck too much. Do I say fuck too much? Are we the same?”
Rob: “I read your posts, Jen. I know about Jef with one f and yes, Mormons don’t like it when you talk about vaginas and pooping on chests during sex.”
Jen: “You don’t have to be so rude. Jef is wonderful and amazing. He cares about me. I just know it. It’s destiny.”
Rob: “You are delusional. But it’s been awhile since we’ve had sex so if you want to pretend I’m Jef, that’s cool if it gets me some play.”

Yup, we’re the same.

Back to the show. Arie’s Dad sits with Arie and tells him that Emily isn’t just pretty, but really nice and he likes her accent. He stops JUST short of saying, “If you date her, I might get drunk and try to bang her. Sorry, son.”

Arie’s mom comments to the camera, “I can’t wait for her to choose him and be together because I think they’d make an awesome couple.” Whoa, that’s over confident, I’d say. She obviously hasn’t seen Jef. Side note: Mieke could be Emily in 35 years. If Emily has a slew of plastic surgery…and becomes Dutch. And bitchy.

Arie ends the date with, “I am definitely going to marry Emily.” I guess overconfidence is a Dutch thing, then.

Dallas for Sean’s date 

Here’s what I noticed about Emily in this part…she only talks about Sean in one way – his qualifications for marriage: How sweet he is and how perfect he is. She says he’d make a great husband, he’s so sweet, he’s so kind, etc. He’d give her the perfect life. It’s all too perfect. She never says how she FEELS about him. I think she wants SO BADLY to love him like she loves Jef because Sean is hot as shit and has the perfect family and all the perfect qualities, etc. But I don’t think she’s all that into him.

They make out on a blanket in a park and let me tell you - It is VERY graphic. The tongue is out of Sean’s mouth before the lips hit Emily’s lips so you see a LOT of it. It’s headed RIGHT for Emily’s mouth – wow. I have a 65-inch TV, people, so this shit is RIGHT in front of my face and it’s a tad overwhelming.

Sean tells Emily how his last girlfriend was perfect but he didn’t love her. He said he’s vowed never to let a girl get so deeply involved with him if he can reciprocate those feelings. God, I HATE that dilemma. I hate it when I have SO MANY guys who want to love me so much and I have to stop them from loving me SO MUCH because I can’t reciprocate it. It’s soooo annoying. Read: sarcasm. I mean, really…there is NO talk about him getting his heart broken, ever? Of course not. Who would dump him? Shit, if he’d buy my daughter that playhouse in the back yard, I’d stay with him too.

They walk into Sean’s parents house where a little girl runs up to Sean and into his arms. (Clearly a prop. Or his actual niece who totally hates Sean but her parents bribed her with that playhouse to act like she loved him to make him look good)

Sean then tells Emily that he needs to confess something – he still lives at home. Immediately I know it’s a lie and part of some big joke. I hate myself for being so on top of it because it means I’ve spent too many years watching this show. I’m too good at the Bachelor, if that makes sense. He takes her to his room where it’s messy and filled with stuffed animals that he introduces to her, one by one. She comments, “He’s a mess…and really into stuffed animals.” I admit I laugh out loud. Emily is growing on me.

 He tells her it’s a joke to which she barely laughs. It’s that damn Southern lady thing again. I would have said, “Thank fucking god, because that was some scary shit. I thought you liked stuffed animals, for fucks’ sake.”

Sean’s Dad (who taught him how to be a man, in case you forgot from the thirty times he’s said that this season) chats with Sean. Sean tells him he really likes Emily, and Sean’s Pop is so impressed that Emily has made him open up. Dad then chats with Emily and it’s clear he also wants to bang her. OK Not really… he’s not as smarmy as Arie Sr. but I’m sure every dad wants to bang her, right? Shit, I kind of want to bang her.

Sean’s dad gushes to the camera about how sweet Emily is and how happy it would make him if she married Sean. He says, “I don’t think my heart could take it all.” THIS is the guy who taught Sean to be a man? How about a pussy? KIDDING. He’s super sweet.

She drives off in the Bachelor Escalade (Yukon? GMC?) and Sean says, “I just wanted another kiss tonight” and runs after the car. Insert eye roll here. I bet the ex-girlfriend is sitting watching this somewhere saying, “Dick never ran after MY car. Fucker.”

Rose Ceremony 

Emily tells Smitty how all of the dates went really well and she’s sad to hurt one of them blah blah blah.

She gives roses to Arie, Jef and Sean, sending poor Chris home, in what was HONESTLY the most predictable rose ceremony of all time.

 Chris does NOT take the news well. He is confused and shocked, thanks to his Dad telling him that Emily is in love with him. Geesh. She doesn’t really have an explanation for him, which is again, where it would be super useful to be me, instead of sweet Southern lady. “I’m just not as into you as I am those three. You’re nice, but I seriously would pay MONEY to bang Jef. Ok? Have a good flight!”

He’s pretty pissy pants in the limo and I’m REALLY excited to see him in the Men Tell All special – he’s not going to be over this. Meanwhile, while Chris cries in the limo, check out these happy dudes:

They’re off to the Caribbean for the fantasy suite dates next week. And I’m actually excited because for the first week in a long time, I don’t know who she’ll send home. I’m pulling for Jef… See you guys then!