Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap – This show is Stage 7 Horrible

10 people? We have 10 goddamn people left? We’re six weeks in and it looks like we have two left – that is waaaaay too long for me. By the way, this is the shortest recap ever because nobody gives a shit about this show. Including me.


From here on out, they will compete as couples, vote as couples and continue to bang as couples. Rachel, who is waaaaay too emotional about losing Michael, is unfortunately paired up with Nick, the dumb Trainer with little to no role on this show.

The couples pile into a school bus and head to some performing arts center where they are told they will compete in a spelling bee. And they are not pleased about it. Wow, you’d think someone told them they were about to dive in open water with sharks that feast on the herpes virus. They are freaking out…they’re afraid they can’t spell and will be embarrassed on TV? They’re afraid THIS will embarrass them?

The judges are three kids who are the top spellers in California. I cringe when I hear this. WHY oh why would their parents allow them to go on this show? These kids are smart, driven and accomplished. They have real potential! Don’t subject them to this insanity. They’ve been tainted…now their resumes read: Bachelor Pad – Cast member 2012. Yikes.

Kalon is really bad, spelling “ceremony” wrong, and Blakeley and Tony aren’t much better. Pretty soon everyone is out but the top two couples – Chris and Sara, and Ed and Jaclyn. Despite the fact Ed thinks “cockamay” is a real word, they made it to the finals. Wow.

Chris and Sara win, which means they get roses for safety this week, which pisses off the entire house since they all hate Chris now. They get an overnight date and leave right away, while the rest of the sad saps head back to the house on the bus. They don’t look happy…oh and guess what doesn’t look attractive on a guy? These things:

Ed and Jaclyn also get an overnight date, which proves to be quite entertaining. And a liiiiittle bit pathetic. More on that later.

Chris and Sara date 

As Chris and Sara drive away in the limo, they’re saying they now know they’re the smartest people in the house - this confirmed it. Um, that’s not really much of a compliment. That’s like me saying I’m the best runner…in a community of legless people. That makes no sense. I know. I’m tired.

They get on a private plane, land at Santa Margarita Ranch and take a train ride. They also swim in a freezing cold lake and hike around in high heels. Then they spend the night in a barn: eating dinner, dancing and making the hay stick together with the release of all their bodily fluids. The only interesting part is when Sara asks him about his past relationships and he pretends that he actually “dated” Emily. I love that three weeks on the Bachelorette means “dating” to him. He’s delusional. Almost as delusional as Sara insisting they have something, “real”. It’s real, yo.

Back at the house…Rachel is super depressed about Michael and Jaclyn says, “She’s a mess, like a stage 7 earthquake”. Ahhh, yes, the infamous “Stage 7” earthquake. I’ll never forget the Great Stage 7 Quake of ‘89.

Ed and Jaclyn date 

On this date, Jaclyn somehow ends up proving to us that she’s more desperate than Jamie…she just does it with a lot less flare.

In a nutshell, Ed and Jaclyn are totally banging every night. She thinks this means they like each other and are “dating”. Ed has no interest in dating her…just banging her. This is all quite simple, but Jaclyn manages to make it a Stage 7 emergency.

Ed already admitted in front of the house that he’s not looking for a relationship here. To me, that’s all you need, right? That alone tells you he likes to bang you, but he’s not going to date you. End of story. Jaclyn doesn’t see it this way.

Let’s back up…First they fly to an island, hike around, and sit and chat on a blanket. Ed tells Jaclyn that he’s been pursuing someone back home pretty seriously and still has feelings for her. Ummm, and does Ed honestly think THAT girl is going to be super stoked by his behavior on this show? Safe to say that relationship is over. Unless she’s pathetic too.

Anyway, Jaclyn is pissed, which is still confusing to me. She already knows all this, doesn’t she? He told her he likes her and wants to bang her, but has made it pretty clear he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend. What’s so confusing about this? At the end of the night, she agrees to spend the night with him and bang him until he can’t walk. She simply says, “I can’t help myself.” Oh wowzers. So you love him and he told you he doesn’t love you, but you’re going to go sleep him anyway, in hopes that he’ll change his mind and love you back? Wow, this is so friggin sad. Does anyone have an ounce of self-respect anywhere? Don’t get me wrong – if these two wanted to get drunk and hump, more power to them. But it’s different when one of those people loves the other and the other one doesn’t. To be a non-dick, Ed should have said, “I think it makes you sad when I stick it in you, so we should stop because I don’t want to hurt you.” But no, he wants to continue banging J-dawg, so he dances around it a little, and she gives in. Therefore, I give up.

When they get home, they have a rose to give to another couple, so they give it to Blakely and Tony, so they’re safe this week, too.

Cocktail party/rose ceremony 

Blakeley and Tony are safe this week, along with Sara and Chris. The elimination comes down to Rachel and Nick, or Lindzeeeee and Kalon. After forty minutes of meaningless filler, Kalon and Lindzi are sent home. I guess Jaclyn and Ed had the deciding vote and voted to keep Rachel because they’re better friends. Pretty cerebral stuff.

They say goodbye and each get in their own limo. Of course, the limo just begins to pull away and Kalon gets out to chase Lindzi down and jump in her limo. Awww, that’s sweet. You know what else it is? Repetitive. Same thing happened last year with Ames and Jackie, right? Maybe Ames wasn’t eliminated but then ran off anyway, which is basically the same thing. Details, whatever.

I’ll see you guys next week – it looks like we have two more whole weeks left which is really bad news for me. But I’m committed now, so I’ll see you then.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - Lord help us, when does it end?

You know what’s NOT easy? Finding motivation to watch this crap and write about it, while listing your house for sale and trying to buy a new one, all during the week your kids are out of school. Holy fuck. Therefore, I recognize this will be short, half-assed and a less-than-stellar effort. Apologies in advance. But then again, who the fuck is still watching this crap anyway?

There are 12 people left, 10 after tonight. So how is it possible next week is the last week? For the last two summers this show has only lasted six episodes. This week was episode five. So WHO at ABC thought to themselves, “This show is so awesome, let’s extend it to ten episodes!” Oh Lord, please don’t tell me we have five weeks left. Shoot me now.

Most of this show revolves around Blakeley’s hatred toward Chris, since they WERE partners but he defected and tried to get her out of the house. And Chris now hates Ed and Kalon too, since they lied to Chris about voting Blakeley out. Got it? I know, I don’t fucking care either.

I do enjoy when Ed and Chris fight and Chris screams, “I’m a grown ass man! Talk to me like I’m a grown ass man!” Do I even need to make fun of this? How many grown ass men call themselves grown ass men? That’s like me calling myself “Fucking classy”. The fact that I say it makes it not true. Comprende?


The kids this week try to balance a bunch of china cups and saucers on a tray, while they walk. Blakeley is stoked because she has 13 years of experience working at Hooters. Oh no she did’ent. Don’t ADMIT that, you shithead! Anyone who works there says things like, “I just worked there for a summer to pay for my boob job”. They don’t admit it was a friggin career. Good God, Blakester.

PS – Winners get roses for safety and get to go out on a date. No penalty vote for the losers this week.

Erica is pissed since the challenge is unfairly biased to chicks who worked at Hooters. She’s disappointed there has yet to be a challenge catering to her strengths. Mmm hmm. Riiiight. Sorry, Erica, the Producers have yet to figure out a way to do blow job contests, massive boob contests, low IQ contests or monotone voice contests.

The chicks go first and they are horrible. Horrible. I mean, I think it took more than a day and they had to go to bed and continue shooting the next day. I mean, wow.

Sarah wins but finds out she was DQ’d since she broke a rule. She is frustrated and says, “Now I know how Olympic swimmers feel.” Again, riiiiight. I bet you feel EXACTLY how an Olympic swimmer feels when they are DQ’d. They spend their entire life training for their sport, and you, Sarah? I take it back, actually. Sara has also spent her entire life training for the Bachelor Pad skank Olympics.

Blakeley therefore is the winner and Chris says it’s the worst thing that could happen to him. Really? Worse than brain cancer? Worse than being hit by a bus? You asshole.

When it the guys’ turn, they do waaaaay better than the chicks and finish the entire thing within minutes. Tony wins, in spite of the fact Blakeley and her Hooters training is screaming at him during the entire thing. Geesh.

Since Blakeley and Tony are partners and both have roses, Blakeley is able to give a rose to another guy to have a date. She chooses Kalon. Then she has to choose between an evening date or an overnight date – she chooses the overnight date, saying it was a “no-brainer.” Hello? Easier to put out in a hotel room? Duh?

Kalon and Lindzi Date

Kalon and Lindzi head out on their date in a Bentley. They drive to a bridge that some asshole Producer had the balls to close down for the night. It’s not like Twillight is being filmed – it’s the friggin Bachelor Pad. Why did Los Angeles give the permits for that? LA is dumb. Also, why are they playing Jaws music as they drive around?

Anyway, on the shutdown bridge, there is a dinner set-up for them, on a platform with chandelier, etc. It’s romantic…I guess? Kalon tells Lindzi that finding her was a pleasant surprise, blah blah blah. So they like each other. Woo hoo. They end the date doing this and it is REALLY awkward looking:

Back at the house, Chris is bitching to Sarah about how he knows he’s going home this week, so he’s going to go out like a man. Next sentence: “I’m not going out without taking someone with me.” Sooo, how is that like a man? You mean a big pussy man? Got it.

He vows to get Lindzi out of the house just to piss off Kalon. Nice.

Blakeley Date 

Tony is stoked for his overnight date with Blakeley since she’s “smokin’ hot” so he can’t wait to see if there’s a connection. Or at the very least, if he can connect his penis to her vagina.

Erica comments how this is an odd pairing since Blakeley is manly with tattoos and worked at Hooters for 13 years. “She’s just trashier”, says Erica. Wow, I agree but I would have used much nicer language. No I wouldn’t have.

They pull up to a campsite and airstream, and words could not have expressed how pissed off I would have been. I’m pretty low-maintenance, but I don’t camp. Uh, especially on the Bachelor where dates should be yachts and fantasy suites. This shit is unacceptable.

Blakeley is horrified too, but eventually she comes around, saying, “It’s more about who you’re with.” Actually I agree because camping totally blows, but I would completely fight off snakes, grill hot dogs and poop in a hole if Jef with one f was with me.

Anyway, they barbecue and hang out. Tony turns on the music in the Jeep to dance and it’s good ‘ol Wes singing, from Jillian’s season. Who could forget that “Looove, it don’t come easy” song. So they dance, makeout and that’s about it. I’m sure they humped in the airstream but they didn’t show that part.

Back at the house 

Back at the house, Michael makes Rachel this comfy romantic bed out on the back patio. She claims it’s one of the sweetest things a guy has done for her. Really? He made you a BED. You know what people DO in beds, right? Yeah, super sweet. No ulterior motives there at all.

The next day, Tony gives his rose to Jaclyn. Since he had a rose to give out on his date, but he went out with Blakeley who already had one, he had an extra and chose Jaclyn. No idea why. Nor do I care.

Smitty comes in to chat with the kids. Ed ends up blabbing about how he said he’d never get involved with anyone romantically here in the house and he still stands by that. Pan to Jaclyn who has been blowing him nightly and she looks…well…less-than-pleased.

Smitty then tells everyone that the rules have changed this week. ALL the houseguests will vote one girl out, and that girl alone chooses what one guy will leave with her. It’s actually an interesting spin on this crap show, and I sense that the Producers could tell this season was going nowhere and needed some help.

The next 45 minutes of the show are spent listening to these douche bags discuss “strategy” and which girl to vote out. Michael comes up with a plan to vote out Erica, but to make it seem like it’s Chris who came up with the idea, so she’d be mad at him and take him out. A great idea, but he should know these untrustworthy dickbags would squeal on him. Sure enough, Chris figures out people are brainwashing her and walks her into the voting room and shows her that he is NOT voting for her. He calls it “making Bachelor Pad history” which is just about as cool as “making Holocaust history” or “setting an STD catching record”.

Wait a second, why did Kalon encourage him to do that? Aren’t they enemies now? I swear I can’t keep up with the details of this show. It’s like watching Mission Impossible.

In the midst of all the strategy talk, Ed and Jaclyn talk together. In a nutshell, she was banging him because she thought they were “dating” when in fact he was doing nothing more than banging her just to bang her. He says, “I didn’t want to come here and start something. Now whether we’re sleeping in the same bed or doing whatever we’re doing, that’s a different story.” Ahh, I see. That’s always awesome for a girl to hear. If I had a dime for EVERY time a guy said to me, “We’re not dating or anything, just having fun right? I’m not looking for a commitment”, I’d be a rich gir…forget it. I mean, I would have no idea about that. Everyone has always totally loved me. I had to fight them off. Exhausting.

In the end, the house votes out Erica, however, instead of taking Chris out, she decides to take out Michael. And MAN does she do it with a serious helping of piss and vinegar. Holy shit this bitch is one bitter hole. Wow. She screams, “The smartest thing Holly ever did was dumping you and marrying Blake.” Mmm, I disagree. That dude is all teeth.

Side note: Nick didn’t have one single line tonight. Why on earth is he still there? They should kick him out just for lack of participation.

Anyway, in summary: Erica proves she’s a little dingbat-ish, Rachel cries a lot as Michael leaves, Chris is an asswipe with a baffling high level of self-confidence, and there is a trail of live herpes virus leading out of the house. Just another week.

See you next week, and apparently the week after that, which BLOWS.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - Police Report: Missing, Jamie's self-esteem

My eyes are bleeding. I don’t know if I can hang for two more episodes. This is PAINFUL. No really, I’m the first to admit that even though the Bachelor and Bachelorette are shit shows, I love them. I look forward to watching them and can’t wait to see what happens. I admit it. But this Bachelor Pad nonsense is a fucking nightmare. I hate it, I hate myself for watching it, I hate these people and I really hate Jamie’s eyelashes. They’re long, clumpy and terrifying. FUCK.

Now that I got that off my chest, let’s talk about this crap show. And Chris? What a fucking piece of shit. I love that he tried to sell Emily on how mature he was, and on this show he is that asshole you knew and loved in college who manipulates your head. What an asshole. A piece of shit guy. Worthless. With a monotone dork-fuck robot voice. I thank reader Jordana for that gem.

Anyway, we’re down to 14 people which is 13.5 too many assholes left.


The contestants fill out surveys the night before the competition, asking such questions as “Who is the ugliest person in the house?” or “Who is most likely to transmit herpes to everyone in the house?” The competition this week is a game show, quizzing the contestants on the answers, and also some random Bachelor franchise trivia. Winning guy and girl each get a date, and the guy and girl with lowest score each have a point against them at the rose ceremony. Fuck, I don’t care.

Who said that the person who has accomplished the least in the house in Blakeley? The answer is Nick. The world-famous personal trainer who made out with skank balls Donna last week. OK Nick, you’re waaaay more accomplished than the VIP waitress.

Who said Erica would make the worst parent? Kalon said that. Along with the rest of America. So kind of a trick question.

Jaclyn wins the competition and says, “I can seriously taste the $250,000 at this point.” She adds on, “…in my mouth. I can taste it in my mouth. But it’s hard to tell what I really taste, because let’s be honest, I’ve had a lot of shit in my mouth these past weeks! Ha ha, honk honk.” (I don’t know, I just bet she honks when she laughs? No idea.)

Now it’s the guys’ turn to guess. Who said they’ve slept with nine people? It was Blakeley, who then admitted she lied. Grooooss. Who has banged someone on top of a car in a public parking lot? Classy! Sarah. She’s that closet whore for shizzle. Gross again.

Who says Jamie is the most annoying because she hangs all over every guy and spins in circles for no reason? Blakeley said it, but we all think it. Ed wins, woo hoo. David and Rachel score the lowest and therefore have a vote against them.

Afterwards, Jamie is crying to Kalon and Michael that she’s so alone and doesn’t have anyone. They agree. Michael is a smidge nicer about it, since Kalon said he doesn’t mind being nice to someone before they’re executed. The same way you pet a dog’s head before putting it down. I mean, wow. Wow…Kalon: to love or hate? I’m torn.

Blakeley decides to ask Chris why he was cheering so hard for Sarah during the competition. This is just the start of his asshole manipulation. He says, “You worry too much.” He tries to make you feel like you’re the one with the issues or you’re the one being unreasonable, when he’s the asshole fuckface. God, I hate guys like that. Hey Chris, you’re a fucking asshole.

Jaclyn Date 

She picks Ed to take on her date since they banged the previous night in a drunken stupor, so she thinks they are now dating. Wow.

They head to Dodger stadium where they play baseball by themselves for awhile. Then they shower up in the Dodger locker room presumably, and eat a picnic dinner on the field. Jaclyn is smitten saying she thinks Ed is so hot and sensitive. (?) Then she says, “Who doesn’t have a crush on Ed?” You know what? I do too. He’s such an idiot, but he’s funny and hot. I dig him. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to actually date him, but I see where she’s coming from. However, they eat hot dogs on this date and decide to do this:

If that’s not enough to make you fucking lose your lunch, I don’t know what is.

She then adds on, “Romance is a possibility since romance has already happened.” Hmmm, I’m not sure I’d classify it as “romance”, right? I mean, you banged him in a drunken stupor on a lower bunk bed on national TV. It’s not exactly the stuff romance is made of, but whatever you say, girlfriend.

They are given a rose on the date…apparently, since they both have roses from the competition, they can give that rose to any guy, who can then take a chick on a date. Ed wants to give it to Chris because he trusts him. They end the date with a kiss and fireworks. I’m not hopeful for these two.

Back at the house… 

Chris comments how Jamie will be sure to make a move on him tonight because she’s desperate. Well, YEAH, that’s an understatement. Despite the fact he didn’t want to be with her yesterday, she throws herself at him and they “snuggle” in bed all night. “Snuggle” is code for “penetration”, by the way. But the whole scene is so fucking pathetic, I can’t even watch it. I head below deck (under my sofa). She’s asking him if he really liked her all along, and saying “Am I really in this wonderful man’s arms?” I mean, it’s horrifying. He just wants to get laid here, and she is so friggin desperate for love I can’t watch. I want to tear her and her eyelashes apart but I just can’t be super mean to her because I feel so goddamn sorry for her. She’s beyond sad. I can only hope she will watch this and see how sad and pathetic she is and have a “come to Jesus” moment in her brain. She needs to go make a life for herself and find some self-worth and realize she needs to demand respect from guys. Right now the only thing about Jamie demanding anything is her vagina. And it’s hard to watch.

So anyway, Jamie is going on and on to the camera about how good it feels to trust him and it’s so nice to have someone care about her and protect her. Good lord, I can’t watch I can’t watch I can’t watch.

Jaclyn and Ed pop up and give the rose to Chris. I admit, I’m a little giddy with excitement because I assume he won’t take Blakeley or Jamie on this date and the meltdown that will ensue will be aweeeesome. Sure enough he takes Sarah, because he too senses the easy-access of her vagina. But where’s the meltdown? Blakeley is slightly pissed and wants to talk to him. GIRLFRIEND, he took another girl out. You don’t need to talk to him. It’s clear where you stand. Move on. Fuck! Girls are so annoying. We all need to learn to shut the fuck up from time to time. We don’t need to talk about everything. Geesh.

Jamie and her delusions have decided that Chris will not bang Sarah, but instead he’s taking her out because he REALLY wants to take Jamie out but it would be too rude to Blakeley to do it, so really he’s protecting Jamie. Is this what you do when you don’t want to be hurt? You just make up these massive lies in your brain and talk yourself into them? I mean, the chick is delusional. It’s actually kind of scary.

Chris Date 

They spend the first part of their date doing stunts and pretending to film an action movie. Sarah and her desperate vagina are already throwing themselves at Chris. Wow.

They head to a hotel hot tub where they completely contaminate it with sperm and other bodily fluids. She is gnarly and Chris is as big a scumbag as ever. Yuckers. There’s not much to talk about on this date because they just bang the whole time. They decide to rent a room at the hotel and bang more. Chris clearly knows what this will do to Jamie and Blakeley and doesn’t give a shit because he’s too interested in burying it in Sarah all night. These two dirtbags deserve each other.

Back at the Herpes Pad… 

Smitty comes in and gives Ed a rose – he says that Ed can give it to any woman he wants since he never got a chance to hand out a rose on his date. He gives it to Rachel. Woo hoo.

Jamie and Blakeley go into a room and talk, and I literally don’t know why or what the hell was accomplished. I’m zoning out. I think Jamie just tells her that they banged last night, and Blakeley says she hates Chris anyway. So Jamie then tells the Bachelor camera that she can’t wait for Chris to come home so she can tell him they can be together all the time! Umm, hello? Even in normal, healthy relationships, being together all the time isn’t a good thing so why the hell would Chris want that, dumbass? And he’s OUT WITH ANOTHER GIRL. Jamie just spins around and paces, waiting for him and it’s painful. Pain. Ful.

When they come home the next day and blab about their great night, Jamie finally admits that what he did was “alarming” and terrible. At least she’s not pretending he did it for them. I can just see her saying, “Oh yes, Chris humped Sarah but he did it because he loves me and he’s trying to get better at lovemaking for my sake. It’s so nice to have someone looking out for my best interests!”

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

Here’s the rundown. Ed, Jaclyn, Chris and Rachel have roses and are safe. David has a vote against him. It looks like it’s between David and Nick going home, and Jamie and Blakeley going home.

Chris is trying to get everyone to vote Blakeley out because she hates him now and he knows she’ll ruin his game. He hates Jamie too, but he actually wants to keep her because he knows she’s so pathetic that she’ll continue to try to be with him, despite the fact he bangs Sarah now.

Kalon is the weirdo here. He tells everyone something different and I can’t keep track of anything. I actually tried to figure it out for awhile, rewound my TiVo a couple times, and realized how pathetic it was to try to decipher this, so I moved on.

At the rose ceremony, Jamie and David ended up going home. Yes, Jamie was entertaining but the pathetic factor was so strong that it was too uncomfortable for me to watch. So I’m glad she’s gone and praying that she’s in therapy right now…and praying that she’s on some strong anti-herpes-type medication, too.

When Jamie leaves she tries to yell at Chris a little and says that what he’s doing to these girls is wrong. He fights back, saying he tried to keep her there! This nails the asshole coffin shut. He hates her and only wanted her around because she’s pathetic enough to vote for him to stay, but yet he’s still manipulating her, making her feel like she’s wrong. He is probably the scummiest guy ever to grace this show…and that is saying a LOT. I hope your dick falls off, you scumbag.

Of course, Jamie is sad in the limo but it’s actually more amazing to watch David, the dork fan who was sent home. He’s crying because he’s so sad to leave. He says it was incredible to be there, and leaving the house “is the saddest thing he’ll ever do.” In his whole life…ever. These are the moments that make me come back for more. How is it possible that humans like this even fucking exist? Amazing.

Two more episodes, people. Hang in there. Please.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - I'm so bored I can't even think of a title

Do you guys remember that movie, Major League? Great movie, by the way. Well, Harry Doyle, the announcer dude, says “One Hit? That’s all we got? One goddamn hit?” When told he can’t say “goddamn” on the air, he says, “Don’t worry, nobody is listening anyway.” Well that’s how I feel about this post. Who the fuck is even watching this garbage, let alone reading this?

I know, I know, many of you have emailed me or left comments on last week’s post to let me know you ARE watching and reading, and I love you for it. But it’s pretty terrible shit, isn’t it? On top of the whore-ness and stupidity of the contestants, the entire concept and “plot”, it’s also goddamn boring. Like, really boring. But I’ll give you a brief little recap here. So let’s go.

First of all, Ed says this game is all about perception, influence and lying. He’s using words that are too big. It’s about blowjobs, makeup, STDs and lying. I’ll give him lying – he’s right about that one.


This week’s challenge is an obstacle course. The peeps are standing with their partners, but Chris makes everyone shift over one spot so they’re competing with new people. Woo hoo. Smitty explains how the course is set-up, not forgetting to emphasize the part where they get in a sack and pour nuts on their head, making it a NUT SACK. We hear all the girls snicker, “Please Chris, you don’t need to explain how nut sacks work to this crowd. The girls here have plenty of experience handling nut sacks.”

Kalon isn’t worried about having ridiculous Erica as a partner because she’ll just “eat her way through the course, Pac Man style”. Holy crap, Kalon is growing on me. I didn’t mention it last week since I was afraid of the hate mail I’d get, but he’s kind of growing on me. He’s ridiculous, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t hate him. I think it’s because in comparison to others on this show, he acts normal.

Anyway, the boy and girl from the winning team each get a rose, which means safety this week. They also get to go on a date with three people, and can give one of them a rose too. The two people on the last place team each have a vote against them.

Jamie REALLY needs to lay off the makeup. Sigh. Anyway, despite the three pounds of foundation holding her down, she finishes her leg first and tags her partner Ed…. who never finishes the race cause he can’t haul his ass up the fudge slide. Wow. Ed has no core strength apparently, which is surprising for someone who humps as much as he does. Don’t you need core strength to be on top? (I wouldn’t know) Maybe he insists on being on the bottom all the time. This wouldn’t surprise me. Anyway, I digress. He finishes last and claims, “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.” Really, Ed? The worst thing ever? Not being able to climb a fudge slide? You douche.

David, the fan, ends up winning with Rachel as his partner, but not before the Bachelor Production Team has to look at the tapes since it was such a close finish. (aka Smitty and some 24-year-old Intern who taped it on his iPhone go behind a tree and just make up a winner. As if this show has a “production team?” Please.)

Later that night, David chooses Blakeley, Erica and Jamie to go on his date. Chris is just happy that they’ll be out of the house, which is actually totally funny. These chicks are going to be PISSED when they watch this show.

David Date 

The four of them head to some place that the producers had decorated to look like prom. We are on a budget here, aren’t we?

David is excited since he’s never been on a date with three girls. Or two. Or even one, really. The girls are excited for…umm, oh wait, never mind, they aren’t excited. David says this is super cool because he’s the prom king. Um yeah, you’re the only dude. But sure, Prom King, whatever. They spend the night dancing together. The four of them. And nobody else….to an unknown, but mildly pleasant, country band. See? This shit is BORING.

Jamie and David chat, and Jamie tells him that she missed her prom because it was “right around the time my mom started to disappear.” I don’t know her scoop but it sounds friggin SAD. This is proven later on…and it explains a LOT. More on that later.

They have a little photo prom backdrop set up for portraits, and Jamie and David kiss right on the mouth. Oy. Blakeley is pissed because she thinks that means Jamie will get the rose. She’s right – Jamie gets the rose a little later in the date. Let that be a lesson to you ladies – Sex almost always gets you what you want. Wait, what?

The humorous thing here is how pissed Blakeley is. She keeps saying David owes her. Ummm, for what, you idiot? You took him on a date last week, but you didn’t give him the damn rose. You gave it to Chris. So why does David owe you the rose? What an asshole.

Back at the house, the kids are having their craziest night yet. They are all wasted and humping each other. No wonder there are rats in that house – it’s filled with germs and STDs. Jaclyn jumps on Ed’s back and this is what America sees:

Again, I’ve been drunk in a bikini before, but I hope I would know NOT to do it on National TV because you can be damned sure some smartass blogger will take a picture of her TV at this exact point in time, and post it. Yikes.

Anyway, Ed and Jaclyn go to someone’s bunk bed and hump. Ed screams a lot and at least they have the decency to put up a blanket to shield me from the pornography. Somewhere Jillian Harris is high-fiving someone. “Thank God I didn’t marry that.”

Rachel Date 

Rachel takes Nick, Tony and Michael on her date. They head to Madame Tussauds famous wax museum. For some unknown reason, they think it’s a good idea to do a “Bachelor Experience”, with unsuspecting fans touring wax statues of past contestants. The big gag though, is that they’re real! It’s really these four pretending to be statues. Isn’t that a HOOT? I throw my laptop at my TV. I hate this I hate this I hate this.

Back at the house, Jamie says to the Bachelor cam that she’s excited to find Chris and be with him because he likes her! She finds him in bed and he says, “Not tonight” and she says, “Why not?” and he says, “Just because”. SO yeeeeah, ladies. When a guy doesn’t want to bang you and his reason is “just because”, it’s safe to say he sort of hates you. Run Jamie, run.

She starts crying and says to the Bachelor cam that she’s disappointed and she really wants to fall in love. She says she really wants a family to spend the holidays with. Oh Lord, now I can’t make fun of her. Seriously, this shit is sad. She mentioned before how her Mom left them, and now she claims she really just wants her own family. I mean, how fucking sad is this? Let’s all send Jamie a virtual hug right now. She’s just lonely, peeps. Explains a lot, no?

Also, she needs a serious self-esteem boost. Isn’t Chris the same guy who banged Blakeley right below her in her bunk, like two days ago?? Chris is a dickface, J-dog. You deserve better.

Back on the lame wax figure date, Rachel gives Michael the rose and they make out for awhile. Rachel really likes him and is afraid of going through another heartbreak. Another one? Awww, you poor thing. You’ve had ONE other heartbreak? Suck it up, I had like, 12 heartbreaks before I got married. It’s what happens. Life is pain and then you get married. Deal with it.

Back at the house 

There is so much annoying drama, I want to tear my ears off. I keep switching to the Olympics when I can’t take it anymore. But then I see those terrifying Russian gymnasts and I get scared and turn it back. What a frightening night on TV.

In a nutshell, Reid wants Ed out of the house because he’s jealous of him and bitter that he stole Jillian. I actually believe that. So he keeps conspiring with everyone to vote him out, but keeps telling Ed to his face that he loves him. It’s strange how Ed is so shocked by the deceit. Really? These people would give Satan a blowjob if it meant fifteen minutes of fame, and a little lying shocks you?

Sarah, who loves Ed and is sad he’ll never love her, tells Reid she’s going to vote Ed out, even though she almost killed herself with regret at almost voting him out three days ago. To add to the weirdness, she says she owes it to Ed to tell him. What the fuck? You’re a fucking idiot. Those four sentences sum up about 45 minutes of TV. Now you know why I hate this shit.

Rose Ceremony 

Rachel, Michael, David and Jamie have roses and are safe. It looks like the guys are going to vote out either Blakeley or Donna, and the girls are going to vote out Ed or Reid. Before the rose ceremony there is another 45 minutes of filler. There’s a lot of bitching about Ed versus Reid, and Blakeley freaking out. It’s boring. Donna is so sad about maybe going home “because everyone is getting action except me, and that’s not usually how it goes down.” Awww, her parents must be so proud.

She adds, “I can’t leave Bachelor Pad and not hook up with someone.” Despite her disgusting skankness, she actually has a point. I think my daughter’s stuffed unicorn could hook up with someone in that place. It’s not hard.

So she finds Nick and they make out. It’s literally the most obviously pathetic attempt at self-esteem bolstering I’ve ever seen. For both of them. You can almost hear their minds saying, “Well, nobody else wants to bang me, so if I can just hook up with SOMEONE, I might feel a little more worthy.” Yikes.

I lose track of who votes for who, but Donna ends up going home. The girls split their vote too, but the scales tip to send Reid home. I liked him but he was a tad annoying here. Jaclyn stands up at the rose ceremony and says that everyone needs to be playing more honestly. Seriously, that’s like standing up and saying, “You guys, we should really use birth control EVERY time.” It’s not going to happen, plain and simple.

In the limo, Donna cements America’s view of her skankability by saying, “I never thought guys would vote me out cause I’m so used to them throwing themselves at me.” I want to jump through my TV and smack this stupid bitch in the face – STOP IT. WHY do you want to look like a complete whore? Why why why? Go read something, study something, have SOME redeeming qualities that will make a man love you for something other than your vagina!” Oh my god, I’m such a mother.

Anyway, the good news is that I think there are only six episodes of this shit, and we’re down three already. 50% there, peeps. Deep breaths. See ya next week.