Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Bachelor Pad Finale Recap - Most disturbing? Jamie's head.

It was touted “the most disturbing finale” ever. It certainly was – did you SEE Jamie’s disco head? Sarah’s mouth? Can you picture Tony banging Blakeley? (Do it, close your eyes. I dare you). And you can almost see the herpes radiating from the twins’ skin. Disturbing finale? Damn straight.

Let’s dive in… Smitty introduces the “cast” and nobody cheers for Jamie or the twins. This makes me laugh. Do they think they’d have fans?

During a recap of the season, I’m saddened to see this... This is that douche fan. I don’t even remember his name. I DO know that when a GUY blows open a bottle of champagne in a hot tub, you don’t do THIS:

You don’t do that if you’re a girl. You definitely don’t do that if you’re a straight guy. I mean, for the love of God.

Anyway, after some time recapping the tragic season, we catch up with Kalon and Lindzi who are apparently still together. Erica, who is sporting a much less trashier look these days, accuses him of going out with women around Houston. Lindzi sits there, dead behind the eyes, not reacting at all. Unless you call her insanely deep orange skin a reaction. Then she’s certainly reacting. That shit is nuclear. Wow.

Michael in the hot seat 

So this was the most surprising thing to me about the whole damn episode – I thought for sure Michael and Rachel would still be together. Why the fuck would I have such faith in these people? No clue. Anyway, Smitty asks how they’re doing and he says fine. Jaclyn pipes up, “She’s not fine. She wanted to Skype and you wouldn’t.” Wow, really? Way to make your friend look not-crazy. “JACLYN, YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED. HE WON’T SKYPE WITH ME! MOTHERFUCKER!”

Michael says that he simply didn’t think he was falling in love with her and there wasn’t enough there to pursue a long-distance relationship. This makes sense to me. There’s not much to pick apart, you know? It’s like, “He’s just not that into you.” Apparently, as Rachel will later attest to, he wasn’t quite so clear with HER on those details. I find it hard to believe a man wasn’t perfect at communication.

Jaclyn in the hot seat 

After an embarrassing recap of her fake relationship with Ed, showcasing how much she loved him with zero reciprocation (except for a nightly hump), Jaclyn blabs only about Rachel’s betrayal. She said she played a loyal game – “the most loyal I’ve been in my life, trust me.” Why? Why do women say shit that makes them look bad? That’s like me wrapping up a job interview saying, “Well, it was a pleasure meeting you. I feel that I would be a great fit for your company. Also, I steal things a lot. Did I mention I have herpes too? Good day, sir.”

Anyway, Jaclyn is mad that Rachel didn’t take her to the finale. She says she forgives but wouldn’t forget. Well, at least she stopped calling her “a piece of shit”, like she did in the limo. Ahhh, friendship.

Blakeley in hot seat 

Damn! Girl got some new tats! And classy ones at that. Mmm.

I admit she actually looks pretty – her face and hair, that is. That dress is skank city, but she’s looking okay. They do yet another recap of Blakeley’s drama with Chris and Jamie, and her budding romance with Tony. Chris says the best thing he ever did was trade in Blakeley and Jamie, for Sarah. Like a new car…it smells better. Umm eww. If forced to smell Blakeley, Sarah and Jamie, it would be a true contest as to who smelled LEAST skank. I say Blakeley wins because she’s an aesthetician and has access to perfumed lotions. I think that Sarah would win a straight-up skank competition (as opposed to a skank-smell competition), but Jamie works in a hospital, which means she’s got medicine/sick people smell COMBINED with severe skankness, so she might lose. Really, what the hell am I talking about?

Anyway, they show the clip of Tony and Blakester in the limo leaving Bach Pad. Tony says, “Who has two thumbs and feels like he just won Bachelor Pad? This guy!” Oh man. Who has two tired thumbs from writing these fucking recaps about these fucking dipwads and desperately wants to watch news or – gasp – read a book? ME DAMMIT. ME!

Blakeley starts to blubber about Tony, saying he fills a void for her, he lets her be herself, blah blah blah. Yeah, yeah, I get it, Tony’s a nice guy. But don’t we all get the feeling that he’s the big nerd from high school who thinks he finally scored the head cheerleader since Blakeley has big boobs? I can’t shake that feeling.

They stand up to make an announcement – they’re moving in together! The news is met with mediocre applause and I fight the urge to hide under my couch.

So Blakeley is moving to the Pacific Northwest where I can only assume she will stick out like a sore thumb. With big boobs. But WAIT there’s more….Tony starts talking to her about how he wants to show her how much he loves her and that he wants to be with her forever. And then he keeps talking. And keeps talking. FUCKING SPIT IT OUT. Nope, still talking. WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO! FUCKING DO IT! NOW! Oh my, I need some chill-out pills.

He asks her to marry him, complete with a close-up of the Neil Lane logo’d ring box. For fucks’ sake, Bachelor Pad. She leans down and says, “Are you serious?” and you can hear him say to her, with desperation and fear in his voice, “PLEASE SAY YES.”

She does and they will live happily ever after. Well, probably for another three months until Blakester realizes Tony is too soft when they have sex.

The Final Vote 

So it’s between Rachel and Nick, and Sarah and Chris. The couples come out on stage and before we can vote who wins, we have to listen to more bitching from everyone. Rachel cries to Michael and he reiterates that he just wasn’t falling in love with her. She replies, “But you were soooo into me when we were in the house.” He WAS into you… literally. And that’s about it, sister. I know that news sucks, but this night is going to get worse, so suck it up.

Chris blabs for awhile about how his parents disapproved of his behavior on TV. He said the show was tough to watch on TV. Uhhh, which part? Good lord. Then Jamie tells him he’d be a terrible father. Wow, zing. Easy, J-dog. Anyone with that shit on their head shouldn’t talk smack.

The voting is boring – it’s not a shock that Nick and Rachel win by a landslide. Everyone hates Chris, and most people can’t stand Sarah. No brainer. The only ones who vote for them are Kalon, Dave and Erica. No clue why…I don’t care.

Keep or Share 

Now it’s time for the keep/share bullshit. They’ve won $250K. They can split it evenly (if they both choose the “share” sign), or they give it to the other contestants (if they both choose the “keep” sign). However, if one chooses “keep” and one chooses “share”, then the one that chooses “keep” gets to keep it. The past two seasons, they’ve split the money.

Rachel chooses “share” and perhaps it’s not the most cutthroat way to play this game, but it does seem to be fair choice.

Before Nick reveals his choice, he blabs on and on about how nobody cared about him on the show. Nobody cared who he voted for, and nobody wanted him in an alliance. He basically tears into Rachel… and then he shows his sign: Keep.

GASP! Not really, since I totally forgot it was finale night and made the mistake of checking Facebook before the show started. Dammit East Coast! So Nick wins the whole $250K, leaving Rach-dog with nothing. MAN, has she had a bummer week or what?

So what’s my take on Nick? I guess it’s a bold move. It’s smart and exciting, sure. But it’s kind of dick, too. And I don’t think for a second he played brilliantly, like he claims. If he did, he wouldn’t be fucking crying like a pussy little bitch about how “nobody cared about me! Waaaa!”

He’s bitter and pissy, so he screwed his partner out of money. Do I understand it’s a game? Sure, and he made a bold move, I get it. Woo hoo. I wouldn’t have done it. And I think Nick is a douche bag either way. Also, I’ve wasted too much time talking about this already.

Rachel is pissed, understandably, and spends some time chasing Nick around, and he’s just trying to get the hell out of dodge. Again, understandable. This whole part is very Jerry Springer-esque.

So that’s it, folks. I can’t say I’ll miss it, but I will miss all of YOU so much! I love reading your comments, emails, tweets, texts, Facebook posts, etc. Let’s all go take a mental break and meet back here in January for the next season of the Bachelor. I’m going to go sell a house, buy a house, move, remodel, celebrate Christmas and catch you in 2013. But I’ll probably miss you all too much and will post some dumb shit here and there, so sign up for my RSS feed, or subscribe to get emails or something, will ya?

Love you all, thanks for all the reading, sharing with friends, and making my Bachelor-world more fun.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - Jef? Are you there? I miss you.

We’re down to the final four... Final four couples, that is. For those of you who aren’t great at math, that’s eight goddamn people. However, I’m confident in the fact that next week is the finale, so there is an end in sight. Which is good because I’m beginning to have nightmares about Jaclyn’s face. I need a Jaclyn-face-break.

Recap of the four remaining couples:

 -Rachel and Nick (She’s overly emotional about Michael, and he’s the personal trainer who didn’t talk for the first seven weeks of this show)
-Ed and Jaclyn (He’s funny, but a total douche bag, and she just plain sucks – literally and figuratively)
-Tony and Blakeley (oddest pair in BP history. She’s a bit hood rat, and he’s a smidge feminine. Also, if she sat on him, he would die. She’s not fat but her gargantuan boobies would squish him)
-Chris and Sarah (He is a fucking asshole and her mouth is really disturbing to watch when she talks.)


Each couple picks one person to sit on a seat dangling above the water, and another to answer trivia questions about the Bachelor franchise. If they get a question wrong, one of the four cables that hold the seat up is cut. Once three are cut the seat drops away and the person has to suspend themselves from a bar. Whoever is last dangling above the water wins. I can’t believe I just wasted five sentences explaining that. Who gives a fuck.

The questions are all boring – nothing scandalous. Somehow Sarah knows all of them. Chris says, “Sarah’s TV watching is definitely paying off right now.” There’s a sentence my husband will never say. There will never be a reason for him to say that. Never.

Anyway, Sarah knows waaaay too much and I’m not impressed…it makes her look a little pathetic. I mean, what kind of person knows so much about reality TV? Who would ever make reality TV such a huge part of their life? I bet she’s pathetic enough to write a blog about these shit shows. Wait…

Once their seats drop out, nobody can hang onto the bar for more than ten seconds. So it all came down to the questions, and idiot savant Sarah wins, so Chris is happy about that. For winning, they don’t get roses though. They have to choose a couple to go home right away. They choose Blakeley and her boobs along with tiny Tony. She is crying like she just found out her best friend was hit by a bus. Easy Blakester. It’s Bachelor Pad.

In the limo on the way home, Tony of course goes with her even though THAT move is waaaay overdone. He says that he wants to see where things go with Blakeley and he’s so happy he’s met her, blah blah blah. This ain’t goin’ anywhere. No chance in hell. She’d eat him alive.

 Do you think they're going to the airport like this?

Another Competition? 

The final three couples then ride to the Hollywood Palladium where they get a one-song concert from Night Ranger. You guessed it – Sister Christian. They sound pretty good, I’ll give them that. Were they lip-synching? They look a SMIDGE tired. Okay, a lot tired.

Oh and in case you were wondering, seeing Night Ranger is a dream come true for Ed because this song is on his running playlist. His words, people.

The competition is for each couple to sing that song in front of a live audience the next night. Night Ranger will be the judges. So that’s fun…they better turn their hearing aids up!

WHY they wasted these poor vocal coaches’ time is beyond me. As if it helped? Nope. The rehearsals are horrid. I can’t believe how tone deaf Sarah is. It’s shocking actually. Ed and Jaclyn are freaking out about how difficult this is. Jaclyn says, “The next 24 hours are the most important of my life thus far.” Wow, if that’s true, she REALLY needs to reevaluate her life.

I don’t get why they are so stressed out. I would literally just get fucked up beyond words, sing the shit out of that song and do the worm on the ground. Crowd pleaser much? I did that shit in my wedding dress and let me tell you, it WAS.

OK It’s show time. Smitty introduces the judges, Night Ranger, but there are only three of them at the judges’ table. What, did the other two die already? Oh wait, they’re in the band behind them perhaps?

Rachel and Nick go first and seem to do a decent job, but we don’t realize how great it is until we have the other two to compare it to. Next to Ed, Jaclyn, Chris and Sarah (wow, especially Sarah), Nick and Rachel look like Grammy winners. Ed and Jaclyn jack up the beginning so royally, that there was no recovering. Jaclyn missed her cue and then squirreled into the air, “Uh can we start over?” Ummm, no you can’t. So Ed decides that the next best thing to actually performing and singing is to simulate dirty sex with a hooker (uh Jaclyn, looking the part) on stage. It was graphic. And so so wrong. And just plain weird – why are they banging? That’s not what Night Ranger used to do.

Next up are Chris and Sarah. I have no words. I mean, I have no words. For once, Chris doesn’t have to be embarrassed about his behavior. Ed actually put it best – he said Sarah looked like a monkey being electrocuted. Jaclyn said she didn’t know if she was dancing or if something was legitimately wrong with her. I hate Jaclyn for saying something funny, by the way. Sarah was literally just freaking the fuck out, jumping, banging, kicking, humping.

 Shock the monkey

It was painful and I mean, PAINFUL to watch. Not that I’d actually know since I was under my sofa. Anyway, she managed to do all that while singing 100% completely off-key. Amazing. Oh and Chris is reading the lyrics off his fucking arm. Yo douche bag – it would be BETTER to just forget them.

The judges clearly pick Rachel and Nick as the winners. They get to choose who to take to the finale with them next week. Chris tells the camera that he hopes they take him – he says, “We worked hard for this. I mean, do you know how many STD’s I’ve contracted in hopes of winning this money?”
Jaclyn claims she’s best friends with Rachel and would hope her bestie would take her to the finals. She says that she doesn’t want to lose a friendship over this. Ummm, yeah, more on that in a minute.

The Final Decision

Nick and Rachel talk and have to decide who to take with them to the finals. The winner is chosen by the past cast members, so Nick rightly believes that nobody will vote for Chris and Sarah because they’re horrible people, so from a strategic standpoint, it makes sense to take them. But Rachel is torn because she loves Jaclyn, despite her face.

Nick tries to convince Rachel to do it, but Rachel says that friendship means so much more than money. Really? It’s Jaclyn we’re talking about, you realize, right?

In the end, they take Chris and Sarah to the finals, sending Ed and Jaclyn home. As expected from the shallow whore, Jaclyn is pissed off, calling her best friend a piece of shit and that she wants nothing to do with her ever again. Sorry RachDog, but this bitch ain’t worth it. I would hope my bestie would forgive me if I innocently screwed her out of a quarter of a million dollars. Geesh.

Ed and Jaclyn leave, where Ed noticeably does NOT ride with Jaclyn in her limo. Rachel is weeping to the Bachelor camera saying, “Money is ugly. Truly… Wait, did I say money? I meant Jaclyn.”

So the finale will be Rachel and Nick facing off against Chris and Sarah. The finale is advertised as the “most disturbing finale ever”. No way. I don’t buy it. I don’t read spoilers so I don’t know what happens…and it’s clear that something surprising happens, but not “disturbing”. They’re trying to create drama in a land of nothingness. Either way, we get this to look forward to:

 I mean...what?