Tuesday, December 18, 2012

JP and Ashley’s Wedding Recap – I’ve seen enough tongue for one night, thank you.

I mean seriously, can someone teach these two how to have a nice, quick peck on the lips? Not EVERY kiss has to have lip sucking and tongue action. It was nauseating.

How ironic that it says PG on the top of the screen

Good to see after three months away, I can get just as annoyed at this show and the dildos on it. On that note, I’m sorry for my absence. But I dare anyone to write for 11 weeks straight about the Bachelor, only to be thrown into a season of the Bachelorette, only to be force-fed Bachelor Pad, and actually want to ever look at their computer ever again. But really, yes, I was excited to take a break but then the fall got crazy – we had a death in the family, we sold our house, bought a new one, moved and are STILL feuding with the peeps who bought our house. So yes, drama and chaos. But I had to recap this shit, and you know I won’t miss Sean’s season. Although did you see him at Ashley and JP’s wedding? The dude is boring. He even sits boring.

So thanks for the emails and Facebook messages asking me where the fuck I’ve been. I love you all. And I’m back.

The Journey 

To start this two-hour marathon, Chris Harrison introduces the show and tells us this is the third Bachelor/Bachelorette wedding. First we had Trista and Ryan, which was a mind-blowing nine years ago. I’ve spent a decade on this shit franchise? Wow. And then we had Molly and Jason which doesn’t really count since he didn’t pick her on the finale, but whatever…and now Ashley and JP. I like how Smitty said, “This is the third Bachelor wedding, and we’re very proud of that.” Ummm, three weddings out of twenty-five seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette? That’s 12%. Would you be excited if you got 12% on a math test? Pipe down, ABC. This is a train wreck and we all know it.

Okay, then we then dive into 90 minutes of their “journey”. JP says, “There was no question in my mind that she’s the one. She’s always been the one.” He’s very gung-ho about his love for her and it’s an ongoing theme here. I want to tell him to slow down on the “I worship the ground she walks on” talk. It’s…a lot. I get that they’re in love but it’s bordering on pussydom. (Like a kingdom of pussies? Sorry, I’m out of practice.)

Apparently, Ashley is in her pediatric dentist residency in Philadelphia and I’m oddly thrilled to learn she hasn’t thrown away her entire education on this show. I thought she might be one of those chicks who tries to make a career from her fifteen seconds of fame on this shit show. Like she’d start a purse company or try to do the local weather in Tampa.

They live in Princeton, New Jersey, which is apparently making Ashley baby hungry. They buy apples there and walk Ashley’s dog, Boo (because if you love Ashley, you love her dog. She’s a package deal, blah blah blah. You psycho.)

Anyway, they get their families together in some restaurant in New York, to tell them that they’ve finally set a wedding date. JP says, “Our families don’t come together that often but when we do it’s just all smiles and fun.” Say what? I guaran-fucking-tee you that it’s not all smiles. No family get-together is all smiles, especially when you mix with in-laws. And it’s especially a lie in this family – wanna know why? Because I bet you a bitrillion dollars that JP’s sweet Mom hates Ashley’s sister. Speaking of Ashley’s mom, she looks really sweet...but she could use a chemical peel, no?

Next, they meet with their wedding planner, who will pretend to listen to them, but will then leave the meeting and do the entire wedding based on ABC’s requests. Oh and she wants nine bridesmaids...and their dog in the wedding. Assholes.

They also discuss Ashley’s need for more than one cake. Why? She’s not going to eat more than one slice anyway? Does her forehead want an extra piece? (She’s actually gotten a handle on her forehead issue, with a nice haircut and bangs. But the joke is still funny. To me, anyway.) They’re also giving the guests forget-me-nots as favors, for them to plant in their own gardens when they get home. Why doesn’t the planner say, “Hmm, while I appreciate the cheesy thought, nobody in their right fucking mind will be excited to get shit to plant in their garden when they get home.” Oh my god, maybe there ARE people who would like that? I bet my closet-hippie best friend might. Ericka, weigh in please.

After their meeting with the planner, they sit in a park and he wears his long underwear (naturally) and they feed each other cupcakes, which is just uncanny because it’s EXACTLY what my husband and I did after we met with our celebrity planner about what part our Yorkie will play in our made-for-TV wedding. But please tell me this is staged because it’s fucking weird to feed an adult cupcakes in a romantic, sexy-type way.

Ashley then takes her mom, JP’s mom and her bitch sister (who is working overtime to compensate for last season’s whoreness), to try on her wedding dress. It already fits like a glove (a tight, whore-y glove), so again, this shit is staged for TV. Bitch Sister does not look pleased.

Onto a six-second segment that shows JP choosing a tux for the wedding. All I can think about during this part is, “I bet Ashley has dentist fantasies about fixing JP’s Dad’s teeth.”

Onto Neil Lane to choose wedding bands. One take-away here: Neil Lane with chest hairs sticking out is enough to make me purge my burrito dinner.

We randomly pan to the wedding, where Smitty is chatting up Jason and Molly Mesnick. You know, THESE two:

I mean, how could you NOT want to bang that guy? Anyway, she’s pregnant. No Chris Harrison, THEY are not pregnant. SHE is pregnant. I HATE that. THEY are having a baby, yes, but HE is not pregnant. Fuck.

Anyway, Chris asks if Thai is excited. You might remember that Jason had a son from a previous marriage named Thai. I never knew how to spell it though, so I debated between Ty, Tie, Tye, and settled on my favorite: Thai. So yes, Thai is excited. Also, I don’t give a shit.

Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties 

JP and Ashley head to Scottsdale for the Bachelor and Bachelorette parties. Always a fun party when your Mom is there. Good Lord. Oh shit, wet-blanket-sister is there? Buzz Kill.

They get manicures and the nice lady puts JP on her finger. I will pay good money to get a photo of Jef with one F on my finger.

For some reason, the ladies decide to pole dance and this cougar shows them the ropes:


Hey, if you don’t want someone taking a picture of your crotch on posting it on their blog, don’t friggin DO that on TV. Geesh.

Ashley is apparently the only one who wants to try it and she basically just walks around the pole a bunch. For some reason, I came REALLY close to hiding under my sofa while watching this. Very uncomfortable.

JP is racing cars and drinking scotch. For the love of God, are we at the wedding yet? This shit could easily have been compacted to an hour.

Random Side Note: 

Chris interviews Trista and Ryan but they have nothing new to say. Trista looks pretty good, but I have no clue how he has put up with her laugh for so long. Wow. He is hot and athletic and sweet. But he’s aged, yes? Believe me, I look like an 80 year-old hag next to my 28 year-old self, so I’ll pipe down, but I’m just sayin’.

Chris Grills JP and Ashley 

JP and Ashley asked Chris Harrison to officiate the wedding. I see why – he’s been there since the beginning and he’s funny. Oh and ABC forced them to choose him. But I’m just confused as to why he is taking it so goddamn seriously. He says he’s honored to do it, but then turns around and says, “I want to make sure they’re truly committed to what marriage means.” Uh fuck off, friend. I didn’t ask you to play judge and jury on my union here, you dick. Just read your ABC-written, minister-via-the-internet script and pipe down. He asks stupid questions, which JP and Ashley pretend they’re taking seriously, but really they’re just excited to run out and practice kissing. No, I’m not kidding and I want to hurl.


The TV tells me we’re going to get a sneak peak at Sean’s season of the Bachelor. From what I gather of the promo picture, there’s a monkey involved.


There’s also this scary lady, who will undoubtedly give me lots of good material:


Besides that, there is a girl who falls down the stairs and a girl everyone hates. And Sean. Yeeeeah, that sounds greeeeat.

Chris sits down with him and asks for his impression from night one of meeting all the women on his season. He says, “I was blown away by how funny they were, how smart they were. I didn’t know the quality of the women would be so great!” He adds, “I mean, have you SEEN this show? These women are freaking horrible people, so I was pleasantly surprised! I think I have herpes now, but you know, it could have been way worse!”

Wedding Day – Fuck, finally 

It’s wedding day and JP gives Ashley a charm bracelet with a tooth on it. Ahhh, romance.

JP walks up the aisle with his parents (Side note, Roberto is there and still WAY hot). Ashley’s sister carries Boo, and the dog isn’t wearing any of the fancy outfits the wedding planner showed them. (ABC was all, “yo, fuck that shit. We ain’t springin’ for dog clothes”. I have no idea why ABC is ghetto in my story here).

Ashley walks up the aisle to “I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You.” Aaaaand I shed a tear. What. The. Fuck.

Chris blabs on for a couple minutes about how opposites attract (which always sounds like a veiled insult), and then asks if anyone objects to this union. Please bitch, that is not tradition anymore. Just trying to drum up drama. What if Flajnik popped up and was all, “Yo, she’s my bitch! I still love that ho”. Seriously, why is everyone ghetto? And how does a yamaka stay on JP’s head?

JP and Ashley’s mom stand up to do some Irish hand blessing and JP’s mom says, “These are the hands that will tenderly hold your first child.” She also says, “And when they’re wrinkled and aged, they will still be reaching for yours, as they hold you here now, promising you they will never ever let you go.” I mean, my God, are you trying to kill me? I almost need to grab a paper bag to keep from hyperventilating from crying so hard. The woman is a poet. I take back the mean things I said about her leathery face.

Onto the vows, which are relatively cute, but why is Ashley fucking screaming hers? She ends hers by saying, “I promise that every day that we are together will be the greatest day of my life.” Ummm, I don’t get it. That means every day has to be better than the previous one? What if she wakes up with a migraine and Boo shit on her head in the bed? That day won’t be the greatest. What if you get stabbed in the neck with a dental tool by an unruly toddler? That day won’t be the greatest. Just seems like a hard-to-follow-through-with vow.


We don’t get to see much of the reception. JP and Ashley dance their first dance to a stoned guy singing. I just want to know where my Jef is? Why does Em-dawg get to go to the wedding and not him? Lame. If he was there and sat next to Roberto, I would have taken THAT picture of my TV and framed it for my nightstand. Mama like.

So that’s it. Did I miss anything? I’ll see you the first week of January for Sean’s season premiere!