Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Bachelor Recap – I can’t be tortured like this, says Tierra. And me.

For the love of God, thirteen girls left and four hours of Bachelor next week? That’s enough to push one blogger over the edge. It’s been seven years of blogging this crap. Perhaps I’m over it? The anger seems to be escalating, no?

Selma Date 

Selma, the 29 year-old Real Estate Developer from San Diego, gets the first one-on-one date with Sean this week. Sean tells us that Selma says people judge her too quickly, based on her looks – they say she’s just another pretty face. Can I just say it takes major balls to say something like this? That’s like saying, “Seriously, it’s hard to be so beautiful” or “It can be a real struggle to get people to look past my perfect physique” or “Being a NASA engineer is a lot of work!”

Anyway, Selma is mildly annoying in the limo and then on the private plane. She says, “Can you handle all 110 pounds of this (pointing to herself?)” Again, shut up about how skinny and perfect you are. Geesh. Also, I think 100 of those pounds are in her boobs.

Sean keeps saying, “Selma assumes we’re going somewhere nice because we’re on a private plane, but I have a surprise for her!” Ummm, no she doesn’t. She knows damn well you’re doing something dirty and athletic…wanna know why? Because per the producer’s instructions, SHE’S WEARING WORK OUT CLOTHES, you dumb fuck.

They land in the desert and Selma says, “I don’t do well in heat. I’m so disappointed.” She sounds SUPER fun, no? And also not very acclimated to desert heat for being Iraqi.

They’re in Joshua Tree National Park and Sean breaks the news they are rock climbing today. Sean says, “She’s mentioned she’s not athletic”. Ummm, why would you mention this, Selma? I’m not saying you want to date the next Hope Solo, but maybe don’t want to come across like an uncoordinated mass of bones. Just so I’m clear, you also don’t want to date the actual Hope Solo. Crazy cray cray. I’d date Kerri Walsh though! Maybe even Gabi Douglas – she’d be flexible! What the hell am I talking about?

Selma is nervous and bitching a lot, but shockingly climbs the rock and doesn’t die. I keep hoping she doesn’t fart as she’s climbing above Sean.

They go to dinner at a funky, theme-y RV park. There’s that slashed Bachelor budget again. While snuggling after dinner, she tells Sean all about her super strict Arabic family, and how she was raised a Muslim in a very strict household. Please please please please please please please, for the love of God (Allah?) go to her house for a hometown date. Please. Blogger heaven. Please.

Selma can’t kiss Sean because she’s barely allowed to date, let alone go on TV and make out in hot tubs, etc. So her Mom especially would just freak the shit out, so no kissing for them. Sean moans to the camera for awhile about how he wants to kiss her soooo bad. He says to the Bachelor producers, “Can you Google “Muslim and blow jobs”? Maybe those are ok?”

He gives her the rose and she gives him blue balls.

Group Date 

This group date has a chance to make Bachelor history. I mean, they put a bunch of catty, unathletic bitches in roller skates and basically ask them to fight. And one of them is missing an arm. And Tierra is there. And self-proclaimed “I don’t do anything adventurous” AshLEE. I’m so excited I could pee. Sean says, “This is going to be so much fun to watch.” Holy shit, you can say that again.

So they get geared up, and ummm…they can barely stand up. I mean, it is so fucking funny. I would have paid money to be there. I bet the crew was friggin dying. Not to mention those butch roller derby chicks.

Oops, did I fall like this? I’m so flexible! 

Poor Sarah really struggles because, understandably, her balance is off. I feel bad for her… But really, how many times will one have this problem? She never needs to step foot in another roller derby arena ever again.

Amanda bangs her jaw on the floor and gets shipped off to the hospital. God, these bitches are accident-prone. Sean (the producers, actually) decide that the show’s health insurance could never cover what would happen to these ladies if they actually tried to have a roller derby battle, so Sean makes it a free-skate to Journey instead. He says, “I want them to spend time with me and not worry about cracking their jaws.” He adds, “Unless it’s on my penis.” God that was dumb. He also adds, “They weren’t ready for the physicality of roller derby but they embraced it.” Uh they did? How? By crying, bitching and falling?

At the after party, Sean chats with all the girls. Amanda, back from the hospital, gets a kiss on the jaw from Sean. She says, “I should’ve told him they took my tonsils out”, and then made this face:

It’s not that funny, but I’m posting it here because I want to know how many readers KNEW I was going to post this shot?

Tierra and Robyn bicker about something, I don’t know, and Tierra loses it. She threatens to leave, then runs off to whine to Sean. She freaks out, screaming, “I can’t be tortured like this!” And “I’m holding it all in!” (Uhhh, this is holding it in?) Of course, she’s hot enough for Sean to want to keep her around. Any normal-looking chick would get the boot STAT but because she’s hot, he begs her to stay and even gives her a fucking rose. I’m angry with Sean for this. When chicks cry and get all emotional and needy, it’s a turn-off, but if you’re hot enough, it gets you a rose!? This is not sending crazy girls the right message. Rightfully so, the other girls are disgusted.

Leslie Date

Leslie, the 29 year-old Poker Dealer from Los Angeles gets the next one-on-one date. Yes, you read that right. She received earrings with the date card, and she’s stupid excited, saying, “I’ve never gotten jewelry from a boyfriend before!” Umm, you still haven’t. He’s not your boyfriend, first of all, and second, the Producers came up with the idea and bought them. HOW do they not know this? These fucking chicks are delusional. Unhinged, all of them.

Sigh. Anyway, this is the overdone “Pretty Woman” date, which supposedly all girls dream of. Ehhh, not really. It’s not romantic to try on dresses with a dude watching, really. And do we really want to emulate the movie where a rich dude buys a hooker clothes because he’s embarrassed by her skankness?

Leslie finds her perfect dress. Winner winner chicken dinner, she proclaims. Fuck you. And stop playing with your goddamn hair.

Next stop, Neil Lane, who negotiated more airtime into his contract this season. He lends Leslie a necklace. Fuck me, I’m bored. Leslie says, “I’ve never been treated this good before.” Oh my god, please someone explain to her – this is not Sean’s money or Sean’s idea. Go make out with the Producer if you’re impressed with what’s going on. Idiot.

They head to dinner where it’s clear this is going nowhere. She’s annoying…I’m sure she’s nice, but she laughs crazy and seems awkward all the time. Their conversation was ALMOST an under-the-sofa moment. (She grew up “in church?”) It was like a horrible awkward interview. And I know I’ve said it before, but I really hate the question, “What do you want in a husband?” There’s only one answer. We all want the same shit. Humorous, love, loyal, smart, blah blah. Nobody wants a Unabomber.

Sure enough, Sean tells her that he doesn’t feel a romantic connection with her. I appreciate his honestly and gentleness when booting her. She’s a little torn-up, saying she’s lost right now. Soooo, she went on one date with him. Your 20-year marriage didn’t dissolve, poker lady. It was ONE date.

If they hit it off, some dude was supposed to sing for them, but she’s gone now. Contractually, they promised this dude some airtime, but it would be too gay for Sean to just sit there alone and listen to him, so he watches him from a balcony…while music guy plays to nobody.

Cocktail Party 

Highlights from the party:

• Robyn tells the camera she needs to do something tonight to get his attention and I start to get excited. I love it when the bitches get desperate. She proceeds to ask Sean if he wants to eat chocolate. He says yes, because really, who doesn’t like chocolate? Dammit, Sean, she’s talking about her! White girls can’t do this, because if I asked a guy if he wanted to taste something vanilla he could easily say no because vanilla isn’t nearly as popular as chocolate.
 • AshLEE is chill and sweet, so Sean digs that, but I don’t think this chick is spirited enough. She’s too quiet, chill and reserved. The two of them would put each other to sleep. Snooze.
• Tierra tells Sean not to listen to the other girls if they talk shit about her. I mean, how many warnings does this dude need? He says, “Tierra needs more reassurance than anyone else in the house, but I don’t see that as a bad thing.” Ummm, this is such bullshit. Of course that’s a bad thing, you asshole. It means she’s insecure and needy. Also means she’s an attention whore and totally selfish. Last week she falls down the stairs, this week she freaks out for attention and next week she apparently falls through an iceberg. She loves the drama. Drama is not a good quality in a wife. Trust me. Just ask my husband.
• She DOES have a dent in her forehead. Probably from playing softball in prison.
• Daniella needs some powder.
• I just noticed how much lip-gloss is in this room. Herpes can stick to that shit.
• On a related note, these chicks all look like they just finished eating pork chops and snorting crank.
• Catherine gives Sean a piece of paper with a kiss on it, tells him she’s really attracted to him, and I want to fucking punch her. She takes him to the driveway so they can make out in private, and I’m under my sofa.

Rose Ceremony 

Tierra and Selma have roses already. The remaining roses go to:

-Catherine - 26, Graphic Designer, Seattle. Awkward city. He will never choose her. Not gonna happen.
-Desiree - 26, Bridal Stylist, Los Angeles. Didn’t speak one word this week, but still a viable choice for Seannie.
-Lindsay - 24, Substitute Teacher, Missouri. Sean likes to make out with wedding dress girl but it ain’t going anywhere.
-Lesley - 25, Political Consultant, Washington DC. Also didn’t speak one word this week, but she’ll be around awhile.
-Robyn - 24, Oil Field Account Manager, Houston. Sexual chocolate.
-AshLEE - 32, Personal Organizer, Houston. Control freak, very organized and non-adventurous. Sounds like FUN!
-Sarah- 26, Advertising Executive, Los Angeles. She’s a super trooper for even attempting roller derby with one arm, but her lack of confidence will be her demise.
-Jackie - 25, Cosmetic Consultant, Florida. I still want to know what a cosmetic consultant is.
-Daniella - 24, Commercial Casting Associate, San Francisco. Shiny and very little role. She’ll be gone within two weeks.

Therefore, Amanda goes home. Good, she was just…off a little. He tells her he’ll walk her out…to the foyer anyway.

Only TWO girls are gone this week?? And there are TWO two-hour episodes next week? (Monday and Tuesday nights) Are you trying to wear us down? That’s just too much. Also, it’s super predictable who the last few chicks will be, right? No way he’ll end up with Robyn, Catherine, Lindsay, Daniella, or Jackie. Final six are Sarah, Tierra, Selma, Desiree, Lesley, and AshLEE (Again, just my guess, I don’t read spoilers). I bet final three are Tierra, Desiree and Lesley.

See you next week…

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Bachelor Recap - Olympic-level Volleyball. Almost.

So the first two weeks of this show, my phone, Facebook page, etc., were busy with lots o’ comments about Sean. This week? Nothing. So are we bored already with Sean? I am a little. As usual, I want to see what happens, but I’m not super into this season. Sean just isn’t Jef-like enough for me.

Okay, so as we start this week, Smitty tells the ladies there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date this week. Sixteen girls left. That’s a lot o’ eliminating that still needs to be done.

Lesley Date 

Lesley is the 25 year-old Political Consultant from DC. To date, she seems the most normal, and is cute and kind of fun, I guess. However, when she gets the date card, she blabbers on about how this is “literally a dream come true”. Really? A date with a cute guy who you don’t know at all is your absolute dream come true? Not a BMW or good health or a trip to Fiji or a full body massage from Jef or a coffee truck that visits your street every morning? These bitches need to aim higher. It’s just a date, girlfriend. Just a date.

They head to the Guinness Book of World Records museum in Hollywood where they are soon told they have to attempt to break the world record for longest on-screen kiss. Previous record: 3 minutes and 16 seconds. The weird thing about this is that their lips have to touch the entire time, which makes sense if it’s a kiss record, but when you’re making out with someone, don’t you usually move around a bit? Literally being lip-to-lip for over three minutes sounds super uncomfortable. Especially with this fucking creepy guy watching. Guaranteed he got a boner.

Anyway, I’m super uncomfortable watching it. Not “under the couch” uncomfortable, but definitely trying to avert my eyes a bit. I keep wondering why we have a split screen and we HAVE to watch them the entire three minutes? Then I realize that it’s a record for longest ON SCREEN kiss, so I guess that means we’re all subjected to every detail. She seems very sexual-like and rubby with her hands all over his face, but yet is totally laughing and squirmy the entire time. I wonder if she’s like that during sex? Oy.

They head to the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel to snuggle, drink and make out a bit. It MIGHT be the most boring three minutes in this show’s history. That’s what happens when you have a normal chick and a boring-ish guy. Here’s what the entire segment sounded like: “I think you’re great I feel like I’ve known you forever I was a nerd in high school I didn’t think I’d have feelings this fast let’s make out…aaaaand confetti”.

Group Date 

The group date is for Kacie, Robyn, Leslie, Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie and Tierra. The date card says, “Who is going to win my heart?” Because of that AshLEE says, “I’m glad I’m not on the group date because I have a feeling its something with activity.” That’s a direct quote. Amazing. Don’t get me wrong – I agree with her 100% - give me a yacht, a Corona and my ass on a beach lounger all day. Don’t make me work out or hike or some tiring shit. HOWEVER, I’d be much smarter than she is about the way I say shit like that. I’d say, “I’m glad I’m not on that group date because it sounds like all that activity would make it hard to chat with Sean!” Don’t say, “I hate active shit”. It makes you sound lazy and unmotivated. You don’t want him to know that about you yet. Remember – this show is all about pretending to be something you’re not in order to land a man.

Sean takes off his shirt and the girls say he looks “so sexy”. I agree, if they’re comparing him to the same Sean wearing that fucking tank top.

Smitty shows up on the beach, oddly in a dress shirt, and tells them they have to play a volleyball game – the losers go home and the winners get to hang with Sean all night. This is just enough incentive to fuck with these girls’ heads and force them to play like volleyball rock stars. Oh wait, no, no it’s not. They are…..terrrrrible. I don’t really have words to describe it. It’s like none of them have ever seen a ball before. I’m horrified for them. Have they never jumped, moved, swung their arms, bent their knees, or moved quickly before? I think Sarah would have beaten them all, single handedly (pun intended). They were that bad. I don’t think the ball made it over the net once.

However, I’ll give them this: They have rockin’ bodies. It’s quite impressive. So don’t any of these chicks work out in order to get these nice bodies? If they did, they’d have a flicker of athletic ability somewhere in there…

The blue team wins, but I’m honestly not sure how a match like that was even scored. The producers probably flipped a coin. So Lindsay, Jackie, Robyn, Amanda, Kacie and Desiree get the night with Sean. The other crazy bitches are crying as they head home. Back at the mansion, they’re still crying, saying it was an exhausting day. Yes, that six straight minutes of volleyball really took everything out of you.

Back on the date, the girls take turns chatting and making out with Sean. Lindsay says to him, “When I fall in love, I fall head over heels and I give everything to that person.” All guys LOVE to hear that. She might as well have said, “If I like you, I will follow you everywhere and make you my entire world, forgetting all my own friends, hobbies and even my job. I’ll be just a tad psycho. I will love you THAT much.”

Weird Amanda says, “I hope I get that rose”. Desiree says, “What are you going to do to get it?” She replies, “Whatever it takes.” Soooo, the normal answer to this question would have been, “I’m not going to DO anything to TRY to get the rose – just be myself and hope he likes me.” The fucking crazy answer is, “Whatever it takes.”

The weirdest part is when Kacie attempts to tell Sean about the feud between Desiree and Amanda. I remember once in college I got so stoned I couldn’t finish a sentence because by the time I got to the end of the sentence, I had forgotten what the beginning of the sentence was about. (I’m not a great pot smoker). Anyway, it’s like Kacie is that stoned here. She says, “There are two different dynamics, and I’m stuck in the middle. I’m having a hard time being myself.” What? Her story does not make any sense and Sean wants to punch her in the face. What a dipshit. Have we learned nothing from forty-five seasons of this show? It never works to trash another girl. The Bachelor never says, “Wow, thanks for the info! The fact that you’re being a tattletale and super catty and bitchy is a total turn-on. I love you so much more now!” Here’s how you “win” the Bachelor: You have a rockin’ body, you’re fun and lighthearted, tell him you like him but do NOT tell him you love him, you act confident, like you don’t give a shit about the other girls, and be sexually promiscuous. It’s so easy, girls. Anyway, since Kacie has the brainpower of a lemur, she doesn’t get this memo and comes across as an idiot.

Sean gives Lindsay the rose. He’s overheard saying, “I fucking hate all these bitches, but I doubt the producers would let me boot six girls in one night…so I guess crazy wedding dress girl gets it. Damn.”

AshLEE Date, wait no, it’s Tierra falling

Tierra falls down the stairs and they make it into an unnecessarily huge issue. I am convinced they added sound effects to the falling, which I really appreciate. Sean comes in the door RIGHT at that exact time and calls the ambulance. The paramedics show up where they strap the bitch to a stretcher and put on a neck brace. Girlfriend is not pleased about it. She’s whining, “I just want to be left aloooooone. I’m fiiiiiiine”. Sarah knows what a pussy bitch Tierra’s being.

Sarah is all, “Buck up, you asshole. I don’t have an ARM and you don’t hear me whining. You pussy.”

The paramedics realize that they really do not want to be alone in an ambulance with this bitch, so they finally let her go. She is super, super rude to them. Wouldn’t you just say, “Thanks guys, I’m really fine, but I appreciate your concern. I’m fine.” But Tierra is a mega bitch.

AshLEE date 

Sean takes AshLEE out in a jeep, fucking up her hair, where they finally stop at Six Flags. Did the Bachelor’s budget get slashed this season? A beach for a volleyball game, the Guinness museum, and Six Flags? Next week will be a group date at iHop.

Sean then pulls out Brianna and Emily, two girls who have rare illnesses (too tired to rewind and google them), who have become pen pal buddies. They love the Bachelor, so to be nice, Sean allows them to hang out with him all day. While he’s on a date. These chicks have it rough, so I won’t make fun of them or this scene, but I will say I was panicked the entire time about that one chick’s hair getting caught in the rides.

They walk around forever, ride some rides, dress up in Wild West gear (I have NEVER understood that), and win some big stuffed animals. Then they head off to see Sean’s favorite band that nobody has ever heard of, the Eli Young Band. They all dance and Sean says to AshLEE, “Can you even picture a better day?” She says, “No”, and I yell at my TV, “Liar!”

AshLEE tells Sean a friggin sad story about how she was abused by a foster family and then she tells the story of the day she was adopted and Sean cries. Pussy. He gives her the rose and they start dancing to good ‘ol Eli Young who was apparently just sitting behind them in silence, listening to their chat, waiting for the cue to start playing again. Not weird at all. Eli Young finishes the song and yells, “We’re sorry about that abuse thing, too, AshLEE!”

AshLEE says, “I’ve opened up to Sean more than I have anyone ever in my life. My heart is in his hands to nurture and hold and take care of.” So that’s not a lot of pressure at all. I’m SURE this won’t end badly for her. I mean, there are only 15 other girls, so I’m SURE he’s already decided on her.

Cocktail Party 

Highlights from the party:
• Sean sends a limo to fetch Sarah’s dog so she can snuggle with him for a bit. It’s pretty cute. Snooze. Again, normal chicks = boring scenes.
• Tierra wants to cut someone since she keeps getting interrupted while talking to Sean. So she interrupts him with someone else. Who then gets interrupted by someone else, and so on, and so on. These bitches are not subtle. Or relaxed. Or easy-going. Or secure. Or confident. Or fucking normal at all. I’d be SCARED if I were Sean.
• Kacie is heading off to deep-sea dive (see photo below), and stops to chat with Sean, who admits they “took a step back”. In other words, “You were hot enough for me to keep around awhile, but now I think you’re fucking crazy.”

Rose Ceremony 

Before Sean gets started he asks to speak to Kacie alone. He then tells her that he doesn’t see it going anywhere and respects her too much to have her sit through another rose ceremony. She replies, “Good, because I’m actually late for my evening scuba dive.” That was a stupid joke.

She holds it together in the limo saying, “I really wanted this to work. I have a great life. Hopefully, I can find someone to join me in that life.” She then turns to the Producer and says, “Can this be my official application to be the next Bachelorette or should I still submit something on the website?”

So Lesley, Lindsay and AshLee already have roses.

Roses to:
  • Tierra - 24, Leasing Consultant, Denver. Broken head, bitch. Sean is smitten with her bitchiness but hopefully once he gets in her pants, the fascination will wear off. 
  • Leslie H - 29, Poker Dealer, Los Angeles. Seems nice, but sorry lady. It ain’t happening. 
  • Catherine - 26, Graphic Designer, Seattle. Who? 
  • Daniella - 24, Commercial Casting Associate, San Francisco. Less stoned this week, but not less lame. 
  • Robyn - 24, Oil Field Account Manager, Houston. Chocolate. Offers Sean tasting next week. 
  • Selma - 29, Real Estate Developer, San Diego. This doesn’t seem to be anything interesting at all. She might be crazy, so stay tuned. 
  • Sarah - 26, Advertising Executive, Los Angeles. One arm chick, sweet girl. Not sure Sean will fall madly in love with her. 
  • Jackie - 25, Cosmetic Consultant, Florida. Mary Kay lady, red hair, no role at all on this show. Filler. 
  • Amanda - 26, Fit Model, Newport Beach. This chick is scary. She kind of looks stoned when she smiles, but is clearly forcing it for Sean. He’ll see through this weirdness pretty soon. 
  • Desiree - 26, Bridal Stylist, Los Angeles. Sweet and normal chick. Not exactly my best-friend-type, but nice and vanilla. Perfect for Seannie. 
Therefore, Taryn (super blond from Oregon) and Kristy (Model from Wisconsin). They’re both relatively broken-up about it but there’s no long running sobbing, so that’s boring. You know what’s not boring? Previews for next week. Robyn: “Do you want to taste chocolate?” Fuck, lady, if you’re asking if I’ll kiss you, yes, since I have no idea how to say no, but do NOT call yourself chocolate, you fudgy douche bag.

Week three, out. See you for the next one, peeps.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Bachelor Recap - I'm pretty sure this will never be over

Week two, people. Week two. Aaaand sigh.

Smitty meets the twenty remaining chicks (that’s right, TWENTY), in the mansion and tells them that he can picture Sean getting down on one knee and proposing to one of them. He adds, “Which is kind of an incredible thing to think about.” I love Smitty. He might as well have said, “He might actually marry one of you dipshits, which is just insane. This show is so fucking stupid. I can’t believe I’m a part of it.”

Sarah’s Date

Reminder – Sarah is the 26 year-old Advertising chick from LA. Aaaand she’s the one with one arm. As Sarah gets ready for her one-on-one date with Sean, all I can think is…She applies her eyeliner much more effectively than I can, and she has one arm. Amazing.

A helicopter arrives to pick them up and all the girls are SHOCKED. Come on, girls. The Bachelor franchise does this trick at least five times every fucking season. Seeing a helicopter land at this house is as surprising as seeing a cabinet full of Valtrex in this house.

Sarah shows her age here. A lot. She squeals that this date is the biggest dream come true of her life so far. So…she needs to get out more. She also says, “My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” (Insert your own “hand-loving” joke here)

They land on a big ol’ building and he tells Sarah that they’re going to “free-fall” off it. Not exactly true, since they’re harnessed, but whatever. As they’re peering over the side, he says, “Do you trust me?” This bothers me. It has nothing to do with trusting him. Trust the dudes who strap on your harness. I guess it wouldn’t be quite as romantic if Sean says, “Fuck I hope this doesn’t drop us.” And then the harness guy says, “Sarah, do you trust me?”

This whole charade is so weird to me. It’s not like a permanent bungee tower is set up here, which means they had to hire all these people, wire this whole building and deal with getting a zillion permits from the city of Los Angeles. Just seems like a lot of effort to watch these two fall for six seconds, no?

Afterwards, as they’re cuddling, Sarah tells Sean a story about how she tried to go zip lining with her Dad and they wouldn’t let her go since she was “disabled”. She cried and her Dad looked at her and said, “This is why you need to find a guy who can deal with things like this all your life.” Sooo I’m sure he loves her, but kind of a dick Dad thing to say, right? Maybe this would have gone over better: “Sarah, you’re wonderful and these people don’t know what they’re talking about. You’re certainly not disabled. I love you and someone will realize one day how wonderful you are.” Right? RIGHT? I’m not sure it was the time to say, “This one-arm thing might be a pain in the ass for you sometimes, so hopefully you find a dude who can deal with it.”

Moving on. Sarah is like, WAY, too excited about her love of Sean on date one. She says, ”The fact that Sean didn’t treat me differently means so much.” See, and I think the opposite. I think it would have been nice if Sean said, “Hey, I know you’re missing an arm and I want to make sure you’re comfortable climbing this ladder and doing all this.” But what do I know? Oh and she gets a rose.

Group Date 

The group date is for Kristy (model), Amanda (Fit Model…whaaat?), Brooke (red-headed black gal), Lesley M. (Political chick from DC), Daniella (Casting Associate from San Francisco, aka Stoned Kesha), Catherine (Graphic Designer, Seattle), Robyn (Oil Field Account Manager from Houston, but more importantly, she’s the chick who fell on her face doing a back handspring on night one), Katie (Yoga Teacher, Charlotte), Selma (Real Estate Developer from Whale’s Vagina), Diana (Single mom, Salon Owner from Utah, which sounds waaaay better than Hairdresser), Taryn (Health Club Manager from Oregon), Kacie (painful laugh chick from Ben’s season) and Tierra (Leasing Consultant from Denver – super hot but I think super mean).

They drive to a mansion where Sean tells them they’re doing a photo shoot to possibly be on the cover of a Harlequin novel. Guess who’s excited?

The girls are told that the person who has the best chemistry with Sean will be the winner, who will ACTUALLY get to be on a cover of a Harlequin novel that nobody will read except for people stuck overnight in airports.

Most of the girls get to look hot, except for a few who have to look hot, yet old-time. And then there’s this:

I mean…that’s just mean.

Not too much to report here. Lesley is a little slutty, which I dig. Sean says, “Lesley is making an impression on me today. I’m seeing this sexier side, maybe?” Well, yes, especially since you’re comparing it to butch-football girl from the first night.

Kristy is really, very excited about this. I mean, very. When it’s her turn, she really goes all-out. Even the other chicks say, “So yeah, it was hot.” She ends up winning and she is VERY excited:

At the party afterwards, Lesley gives me my first “under the couch” moment for tonight. She has a super awkward talk with Sean because they want to kiss but she’s being an idiot about it. Then afterwards, she decides it’s normal to chase him down and kiss him and I’m under the sofa again. I do appreciate how Daniella, wasted, is slurring to the camera about how much Sean loves her, but has to stop mid-sentence since Sean and Lesley are sucking face right next to her.

Kacie and Sean talk about…well, nothing really. There’s a lot of discussion about moving out of the friend zone, but I’m not following. She’s cute and sweet…but that laugh. I mean, I could really go insane listening to that for a lifetime. Do you think it’s changeable?

Other highlights: Selma is sweet but crazy as fuck. I just sense it. Tierra says that she hopes she gets the rose, because that would mean Sean would want her around awhile, maybe even forever. That’s reading a LOT into one rose, no? Catherine is a vegan but loves the beef. Fuck you.

Katie decides she doesn’t compete for love and isn’t really comfortable in this scene. Soooo, she KNOWS what the premise of this show is, right? So this is really code for, “I don’t stand a chance and I hate these bitches so I’m going home to do some yoga.” She breaks the news to Sean that she would like to leave and he puts up a fight. Oh wait, no he doesn’t. At all. He smiles and says, “So I’ll walk you out!” He then adds, “Can you walk faster? I want to see if there’s time to bang Tierra before the night is out.”

Kacie, apparently out of the friend zone, gets the rose. Tierra says she doesn’t get it. Really? You don’t? You don’t think Sean will like ANYONE else at all? Overconfident, yes, but more just stupid really.

Desiree Date

Desiree is the 26 year-old Bridal Consultant from Los Angeles. Sean wants to make sure she has a sense of humor so he decides to play a HILARIOUS prank on her. He takes her to a fake art gallery (again, this seems like a huge set-up for little payoff). There is a (fake) million-dollar work of art, and they check it out alone in the “workroom”. The gallery owner tells them “it’s the artist’s response to the Chernobyl disaster” which makes me laugh out loud. Sooo something I would come up with. Everyone leaves the room, the art comes crashing down and everyone accuses her of breaking it. Hahahahahahahah. Eventually Sean tells her it’s a joke, and she doesn’t seem too amused. Sean says she’s a good sport. He then adds, “Good sport because she didn’t cry but it would have been nice if the bitch looked mildly amused. Damn.”

They head back to Sean’s house where the producers have made them scrambled eggs apparently, along with meat and broccoli. They head to the hot tub. Here’s how the conversation went:

Sean: You have an amazing bikini body.
Des: I know. My parents are SUPER happy in their marriage.
Sean: OMG mine too! I’m super family oriented.
Des: Me too.

Pause pause pause pause pause

Sean: Wanna make out?

Later he tells us he was “blown away by her depth.” Then he says, “Oh sorry, I just accidentally added some words there. I mean I just was blown.” She gets the rose.

Cocktail Party Highlights

• Lindsay (24, Teacher from Missouri) works overtime trying to make up for the wedding-dress fiasco on the first night. I’m not sure it works.
• AshLee (fuck you for that spelling) – doesn’t have much of a role. I just wanted to again express my annoyance again at that spelling.
• Robyn – Isn’t entirely sure Sean is attracted to black women so he asks her. He says yes, he is, but he is NOT attracted to overly anxious women who back flip in evening gowns trying to impress him.
• Selma tells him how to say, “You are very beautiful in Arabic”. It sounded like “Tenty husha poop”. I’m sure that’s right.
• Amanda’s meds have worn off and she looks fucking crazy as fuck. What the hell is up with her? She’s super creepy but then Sean comes up and she’s all smiley and normal. That is almost scary. She’s got a freaky side for sure.

Rose Ceremony 

Sarah, Desiree, and Kacie already have roses, and Katie is already gone. The remaining roses go to:

  • AshLee - 32, Personal Organizer, Houston. I’m going to call her AshLEEEE from now on.
  • Lindsay - 24, Substitute Teacher, Missouri. Nobody will ever forget the wedding dress thing. Sorry. 
  • Robyn - 24, Oil Field Account Manager, Houston. Her face is recovering nicely from being smashed into the ground by the weight of her own body on the first night. 
  • Jackie - 25, Cosmetic Consultant, Florida. She didn’t have a date this week so I don’t have much to add here. Hopefully, she’ll be crazy next week. 
  • Lesley M. - 25, Political Consultant, Washington DC. I dig her. She seems normal and cute, but I hated the “trying-too-hard” thing at the party. Chill, girlfriend. 
  • Selma - 29, Real Estate Developer, San Diego (Whale’s Vagina). Pretty and sweet. Normal. But something tells me there’s a dark secret. Like she’s been imprisoned before for stabbing someone or she likes to poop on guys during sex. 
  • Catherine - 26, Graphic Designer, Seattle. She likes meat…but she’s a vegan so I guess that means she likes penis. I don’t know. I’m not up on the young people sarcasm these days. 
  • Leslie H., 29, Poker Dealer, Los Angeles. She’s gone next week. Nice gal, but no way. 
  • Tierra - 24, Leasing Consultant, Denver. She is seriously an entirely different person from the times she smiles and the times she doesn’t. 
  • Taryn - 30, Health Club Manager, Oregon. VERY white hair, but seems normal. Just waaaay too timid and boring for this show. 
  • Daniella - 24, Commercial Casting Associate, San Francisco. Stoned Kesha.
  • Amanda - 26, Fit Model, Newport Beach. She’s about to crack. 
That means Sean sends Brooke (25, Community Organizer, Philadelphia) and Diana (31, Salon Owner, Salt Lake City) home.

Brooke tells the Bachelor camera that Sean was a great guy but he’s not the guy for her. She’s too normal for this show.

Diana just says that she’s sad she couldn’t stay longer since you don’t have much free time as a single mom. This cracks me up – she’s just more bummed about missing out on more free Bachelor/mansion/all expenses paid/no kids vacation.

I’ve had a few requests for Bachelor fantasy picks and my predictions in general. Just so we’re all clear, I do not read spoilers and I hate it when people ruin it for me, so don’t tell me what happens! I think the final few chicks will be: Tierra, Desiree, Kacie, Sarah and Lesley. If I had to choose top two, it would be Lesley and Desiree. Or maybe Tierra and Kacie. Fuck, I don’t know.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Bachelor Recap - Just another week...missing self-esteem and missing arms

All I kept thinking about last night was how awesome it would be if Sean only booted all the black chicks and the chick with one arm?

Sooooo, Sean is back and looking for love. He’s plenty fulfilled already, with a great Dad, great nieces and nephews, great job and great green shirts to work out in…but he wants to be a dad and husband too. Awww.

As a recap…Sean is 29, from Dallas, works in Insurance or something, and was third place on Emily’s season. I love that Emily dumped him because I feel like he’s never been dumped and needed a little bit of humility. Yes, he’s good looking, but he’s waaaay over-muscular for my tastes. And I always thought he was super boring…but this week’s show proved he had a little more personality than previously thought. I do still think he has a bit of “I want a southern wife to obey me, pump out my babies and cook for me” going on. We’ll see.

Aaaanyway, let’s get started. This recap always sucks because I’m trying to sort out the 100 friggin crazy women. So bear with me. We start with a summary of Sean’s history on the show: Emily dumped him, he was heartbroken, he works out a lot and only wants to be engaged once. Now you’re up to speed.

Arie’s visit 

Arie’s visit really helped me like him more. He never did much for me, but he was so damn funny here. I love that the Bachelor producers were like, “Go to Sean’s place and give him advice on how to find love.” And Arie was all, “Fuck that, I’ll go and fuck around with him.”

Arie and Sean first decide to practice how he will say, “Will you accept this rose?” They try different emphasis on different words. Will YOU accept this rose? Will you ACCEPT this rose? I find it funny. I just wish they tried this one: WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS ROSE? How awesome would it be if Sean just fucking screamed it at the first chick? Arie then shows his kissing technique:

But the best part was discussing how Sean will dump them…he can’t say he’s moving. He can’t just stop texting them. He says that he can’t say, “It’s not you, it’s me”, because it’s obviously going to be them, not him. This simultaneously makes me love him and hate him. Let’s meet these chicks.

A preview of the crazies 

Smitty tells us that these ladies have signed up for a chance to become Mrs. Sean Lowe. I mean, for fucks’ sake. Are we in 1955? A chance to become a wife? The ultimate prize! Wife Contest!

Desiree, 26, Bridal Stylist, Los Angeles. This chick is dying to get married. She also looks a little like Katie Holmes. She acts like Suri though.

Tierra, 24, Leasing Consultant, Denver. Worst name ever. It screams stripper. She looks super cute, but when she stops smiling, she looks super fucking evil. And guess what?? SHE’S FAMILY ORIENTED LIKE SEAN!

Robyn, 24, Oil Field Account Manager (she sells oil fields?), Houston. She’s black. I’m just sayin’ it because it’s painfully obvious that the Bachelor peeps made an effort to include diversity in the pool. She sticks post-its everywhere to help learn Spanish…probably the least effective way to learn a language ever.

Diana, 31, Salon Owner, Salt Lake City. She’s a single mom of two. She’s the oldie. And yes, I know I’m a dinosaur at six years older than her, but for this show, she’s friggin old.

Sarah, 26, Advertising Executive, Los Angeles. She has one arm. Let’s just say it. She has one arm. The bad news? This chick is a friend of a friend, so I can’t make fun of her. But honestly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop myself.

Ashley P., 28, Hair Stylist, Michigan. She “has no idea why she’s still single”. Fuck, really? It might be the fact that you’ve “actively searched for a boyfriend”, or that now your life is “just me and my cat”. Or that you’re addicted to shitty porn. Or that you’re an alcoholic. Or that you’re an asshole in general. Maybe one of those?

Lesley M., 25, Political Consultant, Washington DC. You guys, she is a HUGE advocate for the environment. She is hot, I think. She’s normal, I think. She’s a little butch, I think. I’m on the fence.

Kristy, 25, Model, Wisconsin. She thinks she is hot shit but she’s one of those chicks that look WAY better while modeling than she comes across in real life. She looks a tad drag-queeny?

AshLee F., 32, Personal Organizer, Houston. I could write an entire blog on this chick. Let’s start with the name. For real? AshLee? Fuck you. And Personal Organizer as a career is a cry for help. I’m painfully organized too, and I realize it’s just about having a need to control shit. Being that she was bounced around in foster homes, I get that need for control but holy shit, it makes for one complicated bitch. Put that chick on the Bachelor and we’ve got TV gold. I expect big things here.

The limos dump off their loads 

AshLee F. 32, Personal Organizer, Houston. She personally organized her arrival. And then walked away from Sean without saying anything. Awkward.

Jackie, 25, Cosmetic Consultant, Florida. Fancy way of saying she works at the Clinique counter at Penny’s.

Selma, 29, Real Estate Developer, San Diego (Whale’s Vagina). She’s pretty and exotic. I bet also, 100% crazy as fuck.

Leslie H., 29, Poker Dealer, Los Angeles. Big Mouth. Odds of her ending up with Sean? About the same odds as me being able to laugh without peeing myself juuuust a little.

Daniella, 24, Commercial Casting Associate, San Francisco. She looks just a tad stoned.

Kelly, 28, Cruise Ship Entertainer, Tennessee. Oh lord. My first “under the couch” moment. Why do we sing to him? Why? So awkward. And why so much tanner? She looks orange and insane.

Katie, Yoga Instructor, 27, Charlotte. Her face is pretty…but weird. No way this is happening for Sean.

Ashley P., 28, Hair Stylist, Michigan. She pulls out a tie in reference to 50 Shades of Gray and it’s clear Sean has no idea what it’s for. Do you think Sean is looking for a wife that is into dirty bondage? Doubtful.

Taryn, 30, Health Club Manager, Oregon. She’s very pretty and quiet and in about ten minutes it will become clear that she has the self-esteem of a sand dollar.

Catherine, 26, Graphic Designer, Seattle. She calls Sean “a hunk”. She giggles like a ten-year-old girl. It’s not attractive.

Robyn, 24, Oil Field Account Manager, Houston. Hola! It’s Robyn. She fucking falls on her face while doing a back handspring or something. It’s amazeballs. What an asshole. Did she practice that shit in a dress? He’s not looking for a gymnast. Did nobody do research on Sean? What would have impressed him is if you walked out of the limo with a Kitchenaid Mixer in your hand, and vow to bake for him every day and obey him at night.

Lacey, 24, Graduate Student, Valencia. Dying to know what kind of graduate student. She has lots of sparkles and hair extensions and wants to be called “Lace”, just to slut-up her name a little.

Paige, 25, Jumbotron Operator, New York. This bitch is a Jumbotron Operator? I mean, that’s amazing. If you’re a Jumbotron Operator, you go get a new job before going on this show, just so you don’t have to write “Jumbotron Operator” on your application. She was one of the “super fans” from Bachelor Pad last summer, and looked a lot more normal then.

Tierra, 24, Leasing Consultant, Denver. She tells Sean that she has an open heart (tattoo) and hopefully Sean will be the guy to fill it. That’s not all Sean wants to fill. He tells her to stay there while he tells Smitty he wants to change the rules and give her a rose right away. So at least he’s not too blinded by looks. She bitch doesn’t even talk and gets a rose?

Amanda, 26, Fit Model 26, Newport Beach. I think she was born with more teeth than the average human has.

Keriann, 29, Entrepreneur, Florida. Entrepreneur is code for “I’m trying to start my own beaded jewelry line.”

Desiree, 26, Bridal Stylist, Los Angeles. She brought pennies so they can make a wish in the fountain. Gay.

Sarah, 26, Advertising Executive, Los Angeles. Solo arm.
Brooke, 25, Community Organizer, Philadelphia. The black lady with red hair. She would fit RIGHT IN with Sean’s family.

Diana, 31, Salon Owner, Salt Lake City. Snooze.

Lesley, 25, Political Consultant, Washington DC. She brings a football, which always bugs me when the chicks try to look so…”check me out, I’m such a guys’ girl. So down-to-earth and I know what a football is!” She looks a little butchier here than she might have intended.

Kristy, 25, Model, Wisconsin. She is wearing waaaaay too much makeup. And I mean, waaaay too much. RuPaul would even think so. This shit scares guys off. No guy wants to see you peel off your face at night and watch it fall into the sink.

Ashley H., 25, Fashion Model, 25, Denver. She’s black too. Nicki Minaj in a prom dress from 1982. I thank my best friend, Wendy, for that comment.

Lauren, 27, Journalist, Rhode Island. Totally forgettable.

Lindsay, 24, Substitute Teacher, Missouri. She wears a wedding dress. She is an idiot. She kisses him on the lips, which is just gross and aggressive. She tells Sean she has balls for wearing a wedding dress and he replies, “I hope not” (another point for Sean).

Just when we think that’s all, Smitty tells us there is one more woman…and out pops Kacie from Ben’s season. She’s 25, from Tennessee, and I have no idea what she does for a living. I remember thinking she was cute and normal but SO YOUNG. And then I’m forced to remember…that horrid laugh.

Cocktail party 

Sean walks in to hang with the ladies and he starts handing out roses like nobody’s business. At first I like this idea – he can just hand them out as he “connects” with someone…but then I realize it’s WAAAAY more awkward this way, because when he sits with someone like Nicki Minaj and does NOT want to give her a rose, he then just walks away and it’s horrendously awkward (I’m hiding under my sofa after that one).

Wedding Dress Lindsay is now wasted and asks Sean to dance. I’m under my couch so I miss a lot of this, but she demands that he kiss her, as she promises she’s not contagious. She’s worried Sean doesn’t get the joke. Oh he gets it…he runs back to the Production Office and says, “OK who cast insane wedding dress girl? Good one, guys. Ha ha.”

Ashley, 50 Shades of Gray, is also wasted and pulls out the tie again. Sean claims he brought a rape whistle (another point for Sean. Props for showing personality and humor, missing until now). Next, Taryn claims she doesn’t fight over a guy. Umm, have you never seen this show? It’s not about one guy and one girl. Where’s the fun in that? The POINT of the show is not to find love, but to watch 25 girls with low self-esteem self-destruct. Anyway, she starts to cry, winning the “first to cry” award, because Sean hasn’t noticed her. People, please. Get a grip. There is no reason to cry on night one. None. Anyone who cries gets an automatic dismissal. Cray cray.

Inside Sarah talks about how she’s sad she hasn’t talked to Sean yet. She goes on to say that she doesn’t really know why she’s single, so she assumes it’s because she only has one arm. Pluuuease girlfriend, it’s not like you’re missing a vagina. You’re missing an arm. And it’s not even your right one, so you can still give hand jobs, and all guys LOVE hand jobs. I don’t think guys care you don’t have an arm – it’s probably because you’re not the most exciting chick around and your painfully low self-esteem (she claims she must not deserve what other girls do). If I had one arm, I’d just OWN it, you know? I’d make it a thing. I’d paint it red and stick it up in the air, draw attention to it, hit people with the stub, hang spaghetti off it, pretending it just fell off, and play tricks on strangers all the time. OK I’ll shut up – I’m sure it sucks for her, but she’s a pretty girl and seems really sweet and can definitely find a dude…she just needs to buck up a little!

Rose ceremony

So Sean has been handing out roses all night, like these chicks hand out their herpes, so by the time the rose ceremony comes along, I think thirteen chicks have roses:

Desiree – bridal consultant, seems to be 12 years old.
Tierra – got the very first rose, really pretty yet has streaks of sheer evil inside.
Selma – exotic, very red lips, will love Sean forever or cut his penis off during a fight. One or the other. No in-between.
Brooke – red headed black chick.
Robyn – black chick who fell on her head.
Sarah – one arm (I’m not saying it in a judgmental way. Just a classification-type-of-way)
AshLee – Organizing cougar
Katie – Yoga Instructor, not a chance in hell. Sorry, lady. Namaste.
Catherine – Say who?
Diana – Single mom, not much of a role here.
Jackie – works at Penny’s.
Leslie H. – Poker Dealer. Big mouth. Seems spunky. Aaaaand she’s black too.
Lacey – Goes by Lace. Not much to report.

Sean still has some roses to give out, which must feel great to these chicks. He didn’t like you enough to give you a rose on the spot, but he still has some extras, so here you go.

Amanda – girl with awkward pause, lots of teeth
Lesley M – Footballing politician. I dig her for some reason.
Kacie – Overly confident chick from Ben’s season. Fell hard for Ben so the jury is still out on her decision-making skills.
Kristy – She apparently won a contest titled, “The Best from the Midwest.”
Daniella – Stoned casting associate. Nothing to report here.
Taryn – Doesn’t like being ignored or competition. But loves white hair dye.
Lindsay – Crazy in a wedding dress. Odds of recovering from the notoriety this episode will bring are slim.

Therefore, the following chicks get the boot:

Kelly - Cruise ship entertainer who was assaulted with a spray tanner on the way to the mansion. She says she is just more embarrassed, since she was the girl who sang to him and got kicked off right away. So yeah, that’s pretty spot on.
Lauren – The blond Italian.
Ashley P - Drunk 50 Shades of Gray chick. Thank God. I mean, it may have been fun to watch for a couple weeks, but really, thank God.
Paige – Super fan from Bachelor Pad. She seems bitchy and lame this time around.
Ashley H – I feel a little bad for Nicki Minaj here. She says she wanted this so badly and it’s been years since she’s been in love. Well NOW I feel bad.
Keriann - Tiny eyes. No real presence on the show. Oh well.

The previews look pretty good, with a lot of made-up drama. I like the chick that fell down the stairs and they make it seem as if she was pushed. So stupid. I like how the paramedics show up, see Sarah and yell, “She’s lost an arm!” Just kidding. That didn’t happen.

See you next week, folks.