Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Bachelor Recap – It rains a lot in Thailand. Please note - rain does not keep crazy away.

Sean and the chickies are in Thailand. It’s the fantasy suite date episode, which I used to call the STD suite, but this season it will be called the heavy petting/blow job suite.

Ummm, not safe! 

We’re down to Lindsay, AshLEE and Catherine. Here’s his recap of his final three ladies:

Catherine: She’s a nerd but gives him the silly he needs in his life. Wow.

AshLEE: She wants the same type of marriage, kids and family that he does. What the fuck does that mean? We all want the exact same thing. Every single one of us. We want a happy marriage, nice normal kids that don’t kill people and a nice happy life filled with fun, laughter and love. Who DOESN’T want that? Does Catherine want a kid that worships the devil and a marriage filled with mild abuse? Of course not. Stupid stupid shit. Oh and he says he likes AshLEE because she communicates and he wants that. Um, no you don’t. That’s too much communication right there. Waaaay too much.

Lindsay: She didn’t seem to have the maturity he was looking for at first, but now Sean appreciates how fun she is and that she never seems to have a bad day. God I hate people like that.


Lindsay Date 

This chick is growing on me a little. Despite the fact she “never seems to have a bad day” (puke), she seems the most normal and fun. Sure, she’s probably as mature as my new goldfish, but at least she’s fun, has a normal family and a shred of mental stability. Unlike some other chicks… Ahem… ASHLEE.

Side note. Sean’s turquoise tank top is unacceptable. I expect he’ll be wearing a puka shell necklace next.

As they walk through a market in Thailand followed by Bachelor cameras on an all-expenses paid trip, they claim this is what life would be like if they were married. What the fuck? People, no. This happens every season and every season I say the same thing. This is not real life. Real life is telling your husband not to touch you when he crawls into bed because he better not fucking wake you up, and then it’s having massive diarrhea in your shared bathroom after a night of bad Chinese food. That is real life. This is not.

Despite the fact she tells Sean she doesn’t want to eat bugs, he takes her to the bug cooker lady, and makes her eat a bug. She is not thrilled.

This is the same face I made the first time I swall-…forget it. 

And now begins the best friend talk. You’re the best friend I was looking for. And this is repeated maybe five times on this date. Kiss of death, lady. You don’t marry your best friend. We all claim that, but it’s not true. Your husband becomes your best friend after you get married but you don’t marry your best friend. My best friend has seen me shit my pants in a drunken stupor and cry like a serious, serious mental patient. Believe me, she doesn’t want to marry me. My husband has also seen me do these things, but he saw it AFTER we were married.

They head to a beach and feed monkeys. Hello? Did you not SEE Outbreak? They swim in the sunset and it looks amazing. I could fall in love with anyone there. Even Bruno Mars. (I HATE Bruno Mars.)

They have dinner at the Thailand version of “It’s a Small World”, where Sean presents her with the card from Smitty, inviting her to his fantasy suite. Here’s how the conversation went:

Sean: I don’t know if you read last week’s US Weekly, but I’m a born-again virgin. Basically, I hump someone and then just claim that immediately afterwards. Anyhoo, what I’m saying is, we don’t have to have sex.
Lindsay: What the fuck? No sex? Bullshit. I want to have sex.
Sean: Sorry, lady. I have morals to uphold. You can totally play with my balls though.
Lindsay: Can I give you a blowjob too?
Sean: I suppose so. Virgins do that, right?
Lindsay: Will you be my best friend though?

So they head to the fantasy suite where she finally tells Sean she loves him, although she giggles like she’s in fifth grade and it’s a little cringe-worthy. But still, I like her.


AshLEE Date 

This entire date is AshLEE blabbing on and on about how Sean is her soul mate. It’s really, really scary. It’s too much. I’m happy for her if she feels she’s broken down walls and is healing and all that good stuff, but she needs to rein it in. And also, if you’re truly healed that much, you wouldn’t be so unstable about it all – did you see that video message? Yikes. OK Enough bagging on her. She’s a nice gal and has clearly been through a lot. But she needs to slow the shit down.

Sean tells her they’re going to swim through a cave to a private beach and you can almost see the panic on her face, as she again equates this experience to being abandoned. Umm, he’s not going to abandon you while swimming in a cave on national TV. On the other hand, if he sticks with you and helps you through the swim and is an awesome guy---that does not mean he’s going to marry you. At all. These things are not related. That’s like me saying if my husband does the dishes Thursday night, he will not bang his assistant someday. Unrelated.

“Do I get a floatie? Haha. OH WAIT YOU’RE FUCKING SERIOUS ABOUT THIS CAVE THING?”

They start swimming and this is when I know Sean is going to dump her this week. She says, “Do you know where we’re going in there?” and he says, (pause pause pause), “Ummm….no.” You can just hear how annoyed he is. He can’t put up with this anal-retentive shit his whole life. I’m not one to bag on organization, but this chick is rigid. She needs to relax a bit.

She says, “I don’t do caves.” Ummm, do ANY of us do caves? No. It’s vacation, lady. Sean’s not asking you to cave swim every day. She’s freaking out… let me guess. She’ll survive the three-minute cave swim and realize she’s had a major breakthrough. Yup – she claims it was “life-changing”. Oh boy.

At dinner, he gives her the fantasy suite card as she pretends she wouldn’t bang him. He says, “I just want to stay up all night talking. Oh and by ‘talking’, I mean ‘rubbing my penis’”. She ends the date by saying, “I will spend the rest of my life with this man.” Part of me thinks she’s right. Even when he’s married to Lindsay, she’ll be camped out in a tree in the front yard sobbing.


Catherine Date 

This chick wins huge points with me because she’s the only one wearing flats. I mean, we’re on a beach in Thailand, ladies – why the wedges?

Sean claims he loves spending time with Catherine and he knows that’s an important part of finding someone. Fuck you. You THINK? God, we’re all dumber for having seen this. May God have mercy on our souls.

They head out on a boat ride, and I’m pleased to hear Catherine call her sisters jealous, and say that they were, in fact, humongous bitches. Those chicks blew and I’m glad Catherine’s not blind to it.

Side note: snorkeling terrifies me.

They make out in the rain and Sean claims he can’t imagine doing what they did today with any other girl. Umm, you mean make out in the water? Cause you did that. With all the girls. All day…so three girls. All of them.

 Ummm, also dangerous! Get off the damn water, people! 

They head to dinner where she also accepts the fantasy card suite and spends the night rubbing Sean’s penis.


Rose Ceremony 

Sean gets ready and talks to Smitty and is downright terrified to send AshLEE home. Holy crap, I hear you, brother. For some reason, I see this elimination coming from a mile away. He is freaking out and rightfully so. This is going to be a stage 5 breakdown. He says, “I’m worried she won’t be okay when this is over.” Ummm, yes, that’s a valid concern.

Smitty makes it even more brutal by saying to the ladies, “One of you will be on a plane back to the United States tonight, and Sean will be proposing marriage to one of you next week.” I mean, was that necessary, Smits? The girl is going to freak the fuck out. Way to add fuel to the crazy fire.

He gives roses to Lindsay and pause, pause, pause…DO IT ALREADY, aaaand one to Catherine. AshLEE looks pissed off. PISSED OFF. She storms out. He says he wants to explain himself, but only says to her, “This was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I hope you understand where I’m coming from.” Umm, no, not really, that doesn’t really help at all, but thanks.

She is pissed and holds it together, but then it really starts to come down in the car. I’m legitimately worried this chick will never recover.

Next week is Women Tell All and the following week is a mind-numbing three-hour finale. For the love…three hours?

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Bachelor Recap – Sean Tells All…I mean, he says nothing. At all.

Seriously, is anyone even going to read this shit? Last night’s Sean Tells All was probably the most boring 60 minutes of this franchise ever. Thank the heavens above it was only an hour. Sean is growing on me…a little, and I think he doesn’t sound stupid or asshole-ish, but there was just nothing interesting to say.

Smitty introduces the show by saying, “Sean is about to take Lindsay, AshLEE and Catherine on their intimate overnight dates in Thailand. Did I say ‘intimate’? Haha, that’s silly. I mean, virgin dates where they play dominos all night. Ha. Virgin.”

I’m referring to US Weekly’s latest claim he’s a virgin. I’ll get to it.


Desiree 

First they discuss Desiree’s departure. Smitty says, “We all watched shocked and stunned as you sent Desiree home.” Really, Smits? Shocked and stunned? It’s not exactly the raid on Bin Laden. It’s the Bachelor. Chill.

They chat about the weirdness that is Desiree’s brother. How odd that he talked to Sean once and was super nice to him and then took him back outside to tear into him. He sounds unstable. Someone commented on my blog yesterday that nobody stood up to him because they’re afraid of him – great call. He might be one of those dudes you just don’t want to mess with. Except Sean who called him a jackass. Sean also admits that Desiree’s brother influenced his decision to send Desiree home. YA THINK?


Sarah

Sarah, the chick with one arm, is up for discussion next. Guess what? He didn’t feel passion when he kissed her, so he sent her home. He told her that he seemed to be forcing it. WELL A GIRL CAN’T HEAR THAT ENOUGH! Ouch.

So yeah, that was it. That didn’t even deserve it’s own paragraph header, did it?


Selma

In case Selma’s parents haven’t already totally disowned her, Smitty nails the coffin shut by saying, “Despite the fact you never really kissed you guys had amazing sexual chemistry between you!” Sean replies, “No shit! Did you see how touchy-feely that chick was? She was such a tease! Muslim cock teaser!” (Am I going to get hate mail for using the term “Muslim cock teaser?”)

Then they show footage of weird nose rubbing, eyelash rubbing and finally she humiliates her family for good by actually kissing him on the lips. Aaaand then he sends her home. Ouch. (That’s what his balls said). What?


Lesley 

Lesley was a fan favorite, says Smitty. Sean replies, “But she wasn’t my favorite.” He then adds, “Soooo, should we just move on then?” Oh wait, that part was me.

In a nutshell, she didn’t open up enough to Sean, so he didn’t feel like they were getting any closer. Also, they played a sexual cupcake game where she moaned, “Shove it in my mouth!” and I think Jesus Christ whispered in Sean’s Christian ear – “No way, dude. That shit’s not gonna fly in my house.”


Tierra 

I had high hopes for this part of the show, but again, Sean doesn’t really reveal much. He says she never should have gone on the show because she can’t get along with her peers and doesn’t do well in this scenario. He says he was duped by her. I really want him to say, “That bitch be crazy, Smitty! Can you believe her unstable-ness? What a wack!” But nope, he doesn’t say much. To his credit, he doesn’t really talk like that. I mean, he’s not me.


Other highlights: 

• Sean says that Ashley (bondage girl from night one) “may have come on too strong.” Um, that’s like saying that Carnival ship needed an air freshener or two.
• Catherine squeezed in the wheel well of that snow bus. What the?
• Wow really? Just two “other highlights”?


Us Weekly 

The latest US Weekly claims that Sean is a virgin. Once you read the article, it explains that Sean banged chicks in college but has since decided to stop banging chicks until he’s married. A born-again virgin, if you will. I’m not sure how this makes you a virgin. Once it’s gone, its gone. So instead of calling him a “born-again virgin”, we should be calling him “dude who used to have sex but has since decided to embrace Christianity and not have sex again until he’s married.” OK I guess the first title is easier to say.

Smitty tries to address this with Sean by saying, “Viewers have a certain expectation about what happens in the fantasy suite. What do you have to say about that?”

Sean says, “I would say it’s none of your business.” Good for you, Seannie. Fuck ‘em. Also, he knows if he touts himself as virgin-boy, viewership might decline a bit for the STD Suite episode.

Previews look pretty tame and status quo. Lots of swimming, making out, feeding monkeys, you know – the regular stuff. However, what is with that note at the end? I’m guessing the girl he decides NOT to marry writes him a note saying she senses what’s about to happen and she just can’t show up if it’s not her. What cha think? These chicks all worship him – there’s no way one dumps him. No way.

What is with the shower scene? What would the big JC say about that? See you next week, friends.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Bachelor Recap – 1980’s decor and asshole siblings? Ahhh, hometown dates.

Houston with AshLEE 

AshLEE’s date in Houston can be summarized in one sentence: She needs to chill the fuck out on how much she loves Sean. Ok wait, one more sentence: She also needs to shut the fuck up when discussing her sex life TO HER PARENTS. My God, talk about hiding under the sofa. How horrifying. I want you all to stop for one second and picture this: Picture telling your DAD about the last time you got naked with your significant other. I could throw up thinking about it.

Anyway, AshLEE meets Sean in Houston and they have a picnic. No wonder they aired this date first – this shit is boring. AshLEE says she is excited to introduce Sean to her parents because he is a man that she “has fallen into love with”. Fallen INTO love with? Fuck you.

She also says that Sean told her to trust him and that he’d be the man to protect her heart. Umm, he didn’t say that. He would be a fucking crazy person to say that to any chick on this show. She also says she’s been looking forward to bringing her future husband home to her parents since she was four years old. Really? I have a four year old. You know what she’s excited about? Making it to the toilet in time before she pees herself, her new headband and trying to put both her ankles behind her head at the same time. Not introducing her future husband to me.

Anyway, she tells Sean he’s so amazing and so handsome and he giggles and says, “Stop it” like a little girl. This is a little nauseating. WE GET that you love him, but this is too much, girlie. Try to have fun and talk about something other than your love for him. On a related note, I bet AshLEE likes to use the term “make love to”. Bleeeach.

At dinner, after she tells her parents she rolled around in the sand with Sean in St. Croix, she tells her parents about the polar bear plunge or whatever the hell it’s called. Instead of saying, “We had to jump in 34 degree water! It was crazy!” She says, “I had to leave my fear of abandonment aside and I came up a new person”, or some really awkward shit like that. Also, she’s crying. Oh lord.

Sean chats with both her parents and nothing interesting is said. Boring city. But they seem like nice people, which is more than I can say for Desiree’s asshole brother.

After they leave, AshLEE says today was magical, her dream come true and there is pixie dust everywhere. Say it with me: Fuck you.


Seattle with Catherine 

 “I love Sean cause he’s always ready to do stuff!” Yeeeeah, like catch three fish because the entire segment has been set up in advance by Bachelor producers. He loves her energy. She loves his smell. This is riveting stuff.

After walking around Seattle, where Sean is so excited NOT to be constantly talking about love, they head to Catherine’s Mom’s house, which needs a serious remodel. And maybe a deep clean. Her sisters are catty, jealous bitches who try to throw her under the bus. They tell Sean that Catherine is a messy pig, not ready to settle down, a moody bitch and leaves guys after the fun wears off. Why would these fucking whores do that to their sister? How totally weird. I’d love to know the stories of these chicks – jealous for sure.

 "You ready, sis? Let's totally fuck with Catherine's happiness."

Sean asks Catherine’s mom for her blessing if he proposes to Catherine, to which she responds, “Well, let’s see how this goes, you should mull it over, blah blah blah.” So that was weird too. As is all the wood paneling in their house. Sean leaves the date saying her family brought up stuff that made him doubt the relationship…mostly, well…them.


Missouri with Lindsay 

Well you wouldn’t have thought this to be the case, but Lindsay’s family certainly wins the award for most normal family.

Lindsay first meets Sean and tells him she’s never brought a boyfriend home before “that she’s serious about”. Only the un-serious ones she’s banging for sport? Ok, that’s one way to do it.

I don’t understand why Sean dresses up in Army gear and does some drills? Some asshole Bachelor Producer’s GREAT idea. How clever! What a way to liven up the show! How funny! Asshole.

Sean and Lindsay head to her parent’s house where her dad pats her arm like a puppy. They seem like nice and normal people, with the exception of Lindsay’s poor little brother who seems like awkward city.

Sean tells Lindsay’s dad that he’s crazy about her…a common theme tonight. I think he says that about all four girls to their families. I do appreciate that Lindsay’s mom asks if he’s in love with her and he replies, “I’m not in a position to say that right now.” It sounds a bit douche-y but I like that he admits he can’t be blabbing about loving all the chicks or he’d sound super douche-y. Points for Sean.

Sean’s dad tells him that his biggest concern is Lindsay getting hurt. Sean replies, “Yup, valid concern. I’m dry humping three other chicks, so yes. Good call on your part.”

When Sean asks for his blessing, Dad goes on a strange rant about being a paratrooper. It ends with him explaining the fact that all paratroopers have authority to answer questions so Sean should become a paratrooper. I think. I may have missed part of it, I don’t know.


Los Angeles with Desiree 

What a train wreck this date is – wow. They go a hike in LA because Desiree is desperate to prove to him that she’s an outdoor girl JUST LIKE YOU, SEAN. She then takes him to her little house where she makes her family dinner. The doorbell rings and it’s not her family, but a young dude, claiming he’s been texting and calling Desiree and that he still loves her! Gasp! By the way, I saw this coming from a mile away. Did you guys figure it out? It seemed so fake and the Bachelor peeps didn’t sell it enough. We heard about drama with Tierra for friggin weeks, but this was never even shown. Anyhoo, Sean steps in and is about to force him to leave when she breaks the news to him that it’s all a joke. HAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAH, HAHAHAHA.

Desiree’s family comes in next and her mom doesn’t really look like a “Roxanne”, am I right? Her parents seem very sweet and passive. They don’t show one second of Sean’s chat with her dad, which is usually the highlight of the visit, so that tells you how normal it was.

Desiree’s brother really takes the dickhead cake though. At first, I was mildly impressed that he was calling him out a bit. Sean says he’s crazy about Desiree and brother says, “Crazy about a lot of girls, right?” Which is awesome, because Sean actually IS saying those exact words about each chick. So I get that…but then he just gets super rude. He tells him he’s a playboy and Sean seriously defends himself. Brother replies, “I’m not buying it.” What a dick. Can’t he just say that he’s skeptical and worried Desiree will be hurt blah blah blah?

What really kills me though is Desiree won’t tell him off. I understand that a lot of chicks aren’t yellers and swearers like me, but I desperately want Desiree to say, “Look kid, you don’t know him and you have no right to judge him. I like him and I would have appreciated you not being a total asshole to him. Fuck off.” But she just sits there and says, “What did you say to him? That’s not niiiice. OK bye.”


Rose Ceremony 

Sean admits to Smitty that he’s confused and doesn’t know whether to send Catherine or Desiree packing. He says, “I sort of hate both their families so what the hell am I supposed to do?” Smitty nods a lot, which does nothing to help Sean and I get the feeling Smitty is over this season. I hear ya, brother.

Sean gives roses to Lindsay and AshLEE and then dramatically walks off in confusion. He stares at their pictures when Smitty comes in and pats him on the back and asks “Wassup?” Sean says that he can see a wife in both of them and doesn’t know who to send home. It feels like a lose-lose situation and he’s confused. Smitty replies, “My advice to you tonight is…get it right.” Gee THANKS Smitty, that’s super fucking helpful.

Sean ends up giving the rose to Catherine and walks Desiree out. She says it was a huge mistake. This is how sure she is: Not even 99.9% sure but 100% sure. Whoa. Sean tells her he’ll miss her and she says, “Then don’t let me go.” OH MY GOD AM I TEARING UP? THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

So that’s it, kids. We’re down to AshLEE, Catherine and Lindsay. I’d say it’s between AshLEE and Lindsay but I’ve been wrong on every prediction so far, so I’ll just shut up. Oddly, there’s an hour-long “Sean tells all” tonight, which is just odd, so I’ll see you guys tomorrow!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Bachelor Recap – You guys, don’t expect me to control my face, ALL the time

We’re down to six gals, which just feels good, like there’s an end in sight. We’ve got Lesley, Desiree, Catherine, Lindsay, AshLEE and Tierra-able.

The kids land in St. Croix and head to the Buccaneer, which could use some new curtains. The first one-on-one date goes to AshLEE. She claims every time she’s with Sean she gets carried about, not just physically, but emotionally. I dislike her for saying she gets emotionally carried away.


AshLEE Date

Their date is awesome – sailing, swimming and playing on a catamaran and then a private island. Awesome. There’s a lot of making out and a LOT (and I mean a LOT) of AshLEE discussing her abandonment issues. I get it and it’s sad, but she’s so DRAMATIC and serious about everything. I’m not sure how SUPER FUN this chick is to be with. Kind, sweet, caring? Yes. Fun, spontaneous and willing to do a keg stand at a Super Bowl party? Me thinks not. (and who DOESN’T want a keg-standing wife?)

Sean asks her about Tierra and she goes off! I mean, AshLEE has the balls to tell Sean that Tierra….wait for it…doesn’t say good morning! GASP! Sean says AshLEE is honest and he’s so grateful for the fact she warned him. “What the fuck?” Says Kacie, from her sofa at home. Kacie adds on, “That is such bullshit. I warned you about her weeks ago but somehow that made me the fucking catty asshole, but AshLEE does it and you’re so grateful, and proceed to feel her up on a yacht? Lame. Just because I was wasted and speaking drunk code, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have listened. Suck it Sean.”

AshLEE then calls Sean “her future husband”, and I begin to fear what will happen to these abandonment issues when Sean dumps her shit on a tropical beach in two weeks. Lord.

At dinner, AshLEE tells Sean she met a guy her freshman year in high school, married him her junior year and left him her senior year. Sean pretends he is totally okay with this information, which thrills AshLEE, so much, that she stands up on her chair and yells, “HELLO ST. CROIX!” Aaaaand, say it with me people: I’m under my fucking sofa. I mean, how embarrassing. Of course, it only gets worse when she yells, “I love Sean!” while staring directly at him. Ewww. I bet she’s the type of chick who wants to look her boyfriend in the eye while they’re having sex and tells him how much she loves him. Eeek.

Speaking of under my sofa, who caught this commercial? Jared jewelers? I mean, wow. Whoa.



Tierra Date 

Tierra’s date is the city date – when the couple strolls the streets of the local Caribbean town they happen to be at, while the guy buys the girl drinks, cheap jewelry and soap. She is NOT pleased about it. She’s worried about makeup dripping, bugs attacking and general sweatiness. This chick sucks so hard, but I have to agree with her 100% here. This date blows. Give me a yacht in the Caribbean, a pina colada, and a fucking fruit salad any day. Fuck this walking-around-exercise-culture shit.

Sean asks Tierra during the date about the other girls. She says things in the house still suck and she doesn’t regret the way she’s acted and wouldn’t change it. She’s not very perceptive, eh? This is when you do damage control, dumbass. You say, “I think I’m getting unfairly attacked, yes, but I do recognize I was a bit defensive and rude. I’m just not comfortable in this setting, blah blah blah.” This is going to be a chapter in my book about how to act normal and do well on this show. It’ll be called, “Chapter 9 – When you piss off other girls, here’s how to recover, and fool the Bachelor into thinking you’re not a complete psycho whore.” Again, it’s a working title.

They sit on a dock and make out a bit, when Tierra probably realizes she’s in deep shit here, and needs to do something drastic. So she tells Sean she’s falling in love with him. Ahhh, the Hail Mary.


Group Date 

Fuck, talk about the worst date ever. Here’s how it went:

4:42am – Sean wakes them up with a camera in their faces. Asshole.

5:27am – They are the first people in the US to see the sunrise. Desiree claims it was totally worth the 4:42am wakeup. Liar.

He tells them they’re going to road trip across the island, stopping in shitty treehouses and crap along the way, and will catch the sunset on the other side of the island. I mean, my god, what a horrible, long, miserable day.

10:34am – They are at a sugar mill. Here are all my notes from this portion: “They are at a sugar mill.”

12:16pm – They see a horse.

2:14pm – They see a treehouse.

3:47pm – Desiree “throws herself out there.”

They end at Sandy Point, where Sean has one-on-one time with all the girls after frolicking with them in the ocean. He talks to Lindsay first and basically says, “Wow, I like you so much more now than the first night when I thought you were a fucking crazy bitch.” He may have said it a little softer than that.

He talks to Catherine who tells him that her father tried to kill himself IN FRONT OF HER when she was just 14. Sooo, let me get this straight. In the ice castle, Catherine was looking for a good segway to tell Sean she was sooo ready to get married. So she tells him the story about her friend who was smashed by a tree. Somehow that clarified things to her (at, um, age 12), that all she wanted in life was a husband. Huh? But NOW she tells this story about her dad? Wouldn’t this make an easier segway? “My dad tried to kill himself, and that whole situation with my father made me realize how important it is to find someone I love who will raise kids with me in a wonderful, safe environment and not a volatile one.” It’s not rocket science, people. That being said………I DO feel horrible for her. Sad story.

Sean gives Lindsay the rose, which totally surprises me. I just don’t see them together – all they do is makeout and she giggles a lot. Anyway, they attempt to catch the sunset but they miss it, despite the fact they’re SITTING ON THE BEACH. This show is so annoying.


Lesley Date 

They go to some plantation and walk around. It’s like a big garden. They walk around. I mean, this sets new lows for Bachelor boredom on a date. She tells him very awkwardly that she likes him, their slow progression and their mad chemistry. Huh? They’re awkward. Then they pick fruit. Then they walk. The end.


Shay-ster 

Sean’s sister Shay flies to St. Croix to give Sean advice. He says that she has a husband and kids, so she’ll be a good person to talk to. Shay doesn’t give a shit about helping Sean – this chick is just STOKED that she gets an all-expenses-paid trip to the Caribbean without her annoying kids and husband tagging alone. That’s heaven, she says, as she drinks her pina colada and pretends to care what Sean says. “I really like these girls, I can picture all of them as my wife.” “Sean, I don’t give a flying fuck, where the hell is that waiter? Guacamole and a Mai Tai, please!”

She decides to give Sean a couple sentences of advice before she gets back to tanning, and tells Sean to watch out for the chick that none of the girls like. Even if they have sparkle.

Meanwhile, Tierra and AshLEE are having it out in the hotel room. It’s just a bunch of catty bitching and yelling. It sounds like this:

Tierra: “I can’t control my fucking face! My eyebrow is out of control! I know it makes me look insane! I CAN’T HELP IT!”
AshLEE: “Wassup with you crazy bitch anyway.”
Tierra: “I HAVE SPARKLE GODDAMMIT! My parents even said so.”
AshLEE: “You’re not nice. Also, you’re a complete shitbag. What a terrible person you are.”
Tierra: “MEN LOVE ME!”
AshLEE: "Anything else you'd like to say?"
Tierra: "DAMMIT, you're making me sweat. I HATE SWEATING!"
AshLEE: “How is it that I lived in abusive foster homes and shit, and I turned out much more normal than you?”
Tierra: “I’m done with this conversation! I must viper you!”


Sean leaves Shay to fetch Tierra because he wants his sister to figure out if she’s as crazy as everyone thinks. By the time he gets to the hotel, Tierra is in shambles. Again. She’s crrrrrrying, saying she can’t deal with this. This is so hard. Waaaaaaaaa. Sean walks around in a circle outside for awhile and then comes back in and tells Tierra to get the hell out. Again, he softens the language a bit. He says he’s crazy about her but this is too hard for her and he doesn’t want her to be so unhappy. This is a bit pussy of Sean. Just say, “Look, I liked you a lot, but this is all just too dramatic for me. There’s always something going on with you, and I think I’m just done. It’s just changed how I feel.” But he pussies out. Pussy.

Sean says, “I think the world of you.” She replies, “Obviously not enough.” I agree with her on this one. Shut up, Sean. If you thought she was so awesome, she’d still be there. You took her sparkle away.


Rose Ceremony 

Lindsay already has a rose and the three others go to Desiree, Catherine and AshLEE. This means Lesley is going home. There just wasn’t a spark there (not to be confused with sparkle). Catherine is oddly torn up about it, saying that her beliefs are shattered in what he wants, because Lesley is much cooler than her. It’s a little…weird. AshLEE, on the other hand, claims that the rose she received tonight means she can trust Sean and that he is her husband. Love conquers all. Oh man, this is about to become an epic goodbye. I fear for that one.

Previews for next week look promising – the hometown dates are always a horrific glimpse into Middle America. They show Desiree’s dickhead brother fighting with Sean, and it dawns on me that these are the previews we saw waaaay earlier in the season and we were meant to believe Desiree’s ex-boyfriend came back to fight for her. Nope, it was just her rude ass brother.

I strongly predict he says goodbye to Catherine next week, and that Desiree and AshLEE will be the final two. See ya peeps.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

The Bachelor Recap – You’re not dying, bitch. You’re cold.

I’m so tired of this dramatic bitch, Tierra. I get the whole dead boyfriend thing – that’s bound to screw you up and make you afraid to lose someone. I get it. But there are some serious, deep mental issues and shit this chick needs to work out before attempting to GET MARRIED from a reality TV show. OK I’m done.

Lake Louise is friggin beautiful. I’m Canadian you know, but I’ve never been there. It’s on my list now.


Catherine Date 

How much did it cost the Bachelor in insurance premiums to allow Sean to drive a fucking snow bus? Anyway, these two get the best date. I’d still take a yacht in Fiji over that, but it would be super fun to go sledding and roll around in the snow. For a few minutes, anyway. Oh and also, Catherine was apparently about to DIE which is why “Sean drove up to rescue” her. What the fuck. Yes, that was perilous for a few minutes there. Phew. Thank god for Sean. Fuck you.

“I never get cold when I’m with Sean.” Liar. Fuck you again.

Sean tells us they had a blast doing somersaults and making snow angels and this is exactly what he wants in a wife. This show has a way of really stretching it from point A to point B. Examples: “I was standing on a glacier, Sean rescued me.” Or “My best friend was crushed by a tree in front of my eyes when I was 12, and that made me realize my goal in life is to get married.” Or “She does snow angels, so she’d be my perfect wife”… despite the fact you live in Texas. With no snow.

Some poor bastard whittled his poor hands for five straight days making a snow castle so Sean and Catherine can bang inside. It was pretty cool, so kudos to that poor bastard.

At the end of their date, Sean tells Catherine he wants her to know how special she is, so he gives her the rose. Keep this sentence in mind – you’ll hear it about 30 more times tonight.


Group Date 

The group date is for Tierra, Sarah, AshLEE, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley and Daniella. Sean says, “I have a date today that will certainly challenge the women.” Soooo my question is, why are we needing to challenge them? They’re 24 and can barely read. Who the fuck cares to challenge them? Why doesn’t Sean just get wasted and bang them all? Why all the challenges? It’s not Survivor.

Sarah is going to “bring it 110% today”. Why are we “bringing it?” Can’t we just have fun and get to know Sean? Where did all this competitive shit come from? Oh right, its all the challenges.

They canoe across the lake and Sean says, “The girls think this date is over but I have a surprise for them.” Uhhh, they think it’s over after a 10-minute canoe ride? What the fuck? He tells them they’re going to jump into the 33-degree lake so they can be part of the fake club with no benefits what-so-ever, “The Polar Bear Plunge Club”. Or something like that. He tells them they don’t HAVE to do it but if they don’t, they will fail the challenge. Just kidding. But not really.

Selma is all, “Peace out. Fuck that. I’m from Baghdad, I don’t do snow.” But remember she didn’t do sand either? I do appreciate the fact that she is owning it, though. She’s just like, “Fuck you. You can call me a princess, I don’t give a fuck. I’m not jumping in that shit.”

There are only two lifeguards, which seems like a poor decision with these chicks… and Sean (who does look a little pussy-ish here). And kudos to Sarah, who indeed brought it by jumping in first. I’m shocked that AshLEE does it – she’s all about control and being inside. However, leave it to her to think that jumping in this lake is a “breakthrough”. Whaaaa? She tries to control everything, since her childhood was so out-of-control, right? I get that. But what is it about jumping into the water that is so “out of control?” You were surrounded by lifeguards and cameras. The Bachelor isn’t going to do anything that kills you.

Oh course, Tierra can’t breathe when she gets out and makes a huge drama out of being so cold. Of course you’re cold. You just jumped into 33-degree water. Calm the fuck down. The paramedic lady asks if she knows what day it is, “Nuh uh” was her explanation. Sean tries to help by adding, “But I don’t think she would know that information anyway. She’s not the sharpest. But check out her boobs!”

The other girls are fine and head back to the hotel to clean up. Tierra is putting oxygen up her nose and having some poor production assistant rub her feet and feed her sandwiches. Sean comes in to check out her and she is snuggled in a fluffy robe, in a huge hotel bed with a down comforter, being waited on. Sean tells her, “You always find a way to get alone time with me.” So he’s not stupid about her, right? He can see all the manipulation and drama? So WHY does he like that? Guys are annoying.

 She will not be pleased that this photo exists. 

She gets to skip the party since she’s “hurt”, using the term loosely. Again, this would be my dream. I’d flip on some reality show, get room service delivered and chill out in my awesome hotel bed. But she actually CHOOSES to get dressed, put makeup on and wear boots. My God, how are there people on earth SO different than me?

The girls are pissed Tierra shows up. Sean immediately takes her aside and says, “Your hands are so warm!” And she replies, “Fuck, they are? Dammit. I mean, but Sean, my whole body is still soooo cold. I mean, I’m barely alive. Hold me!”

Lindsay and Sean do nothing but kiss and it just looks…graphic. With horrible, horrible slurping sounds. See this picture? What kind of sounds would you EXPECT coming from a kiss like that? Yeah, well that’s exactly what sounds you hear.


He gives the rose to Lesley.

After the party, he decides he has to send Sarah home. He doesn’t see “forever” with her. She cries a lot and it’s actually really sad. I wonder if she’ll have a little cheering section trying to get her to be the next Bachelorette.


Desiree Date 

This is a super boring date. She’s wearing horrible jeans that show off her bubbly legs and pigeon-toed nature. They repel down a mountain (boooring) and I can’t fucking believe these people are still talking about risk taking in a relationship. Let me be clear here: DOING ANYTHING ADVENTUROUS IS NOT A FUCKING METAPHOR FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Stop saying it. “I took a risk by repelling! That’s exactly like falling in love!” Fuck you. It’s not. Neither is canoeing, or jumping in a lake. Jen F angry.

They eat a picnic lunch and climb a tree. They head to dinner later in a teepee. Desiree tells him that she grew up poor and used to live in a tent. Sooo what’s with all the shitty-life stories this season? We’ve got a girl with one arm, one who lived in a tent, one who was abused in a foster home, one whose best friend was crushed by a tree, one whose boyfriend died from a drug overdose, one bulimic and don’t forget the Jumbotron Operator. That shit is traumatic too.

When Desiree tells him how poor she was growing up, she mentions that now, having material things doesn’t matter to her at all. Ummm, wouldn’t it matter more? If I grew up in a tent and actually owned a house now, I’d be all, “Hot damn! I have a fucking house!” If I grew up in a house and now owned a house, I’d be all, “Here’s my house. Again.”

Also----What. The. Fuck. Is. This. Sweater.


Sean, being the intellect he is, asks Desiree if not having money was ever difficult? No, you asshole, it was fucking fun wiping my ass with a leaf in my tent.

She says she grew up never taking things for granted, always putting others first, and now she just wants a house full of love. She adds, “Well, maybe just a fucking house, period. And not a tent.” Also, did you notice the abrupt jump from A to B again? I grew up in a tent so I want to be married.

Of course, Sean tells her that he wants her to know how special she is, and gives her the rose. She says, “I grew up in a tent and now I’m falling in love in a teepee.” Fuck you.


Cocktail Party 

Highlights from the party:

• Selma humiliates her Muslim family by kissing Sean on TV. And also by showing her gigantic tits in the tightest dress ever. Wowzers.
• Lindsay tries to actually TALK to Sean instead of kissing him and here’s what I think: I NEVER want a close up of myself making out with anyone on national TV.
• AshLEE’s whole life has been about control, so she gives Sean a blindfold which signifies what she’s allowing Sean to do in their relationship (Sean’s eyes open wide and he high-fives himself) He carries her ten yards across the hotel and makes out with her. So yeeeeah, sure that’s super meaningful.


Rose Ceremony 

Lesley, Desiree and Catherine already have roses. Others go to Lindsay, AshLEE and Tierra.

This means Daniella and Selma are going home. Daniella was pretty friggin obvious – they barely talked and she was an interesting bird. Selma was a bit more surprising. I’d analyze it more, but I’m just so damn excited that we’re down to six girls! That feels like there’s an actual end in sight! I’m sticking with Desiree and Lesley as my prediction for the final two.

The kids are headed to St. Croix next week. See you then!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The Bachelor Recap - WHO LIKES THE OUTDOORS, DAMMIT!

OK People, this won’t be my longest recap, so don’t email me saying, “I can’t believe you forgot to mention Selma making a hand job reference when demonstrating goat milking!” (Muslim mommy must have loved that one). If you think about it, if I mentioned EVERYTHING that was ridiculous about this show, this would be a thesis every week. It almost is already. But with four hours this week, and another recap to write tomorrow, Mama’s gonna keep this one short. Plus it was stupid, so that helps.

Eleven girls left and three dates this week: the one-on-one, the group date, and the dreaded two-on-one. Smitty tells them they’re heading to Montana because Sean is a country boy. Also, the Bachelor is cheap these days so no Fiji for you. Here goes nothing…


Lindsay Date 

Sean says he likes to camp and canoe, so Montana will test some of the girls. Fuck, and me too. I’m athletic, I guess, but I want no part of camping and canoeing. A million bucks says none of these chicks do either, so it becomes a game of “who can ACT like they like camping” the best.

Lindsey, the 24 year-old substitute teacher from Missouri, gets the first one-on-one date. She’s recovered nicely from the horrific wedding dress incident of night one, but there’s something off-putting about her mouth. The whole date takes three minutes – they fly in a helicopter and sit on a blanket, then sit by a fire and make out. Sean asks her a question and she answers it and then sticks her tongue in his mouth. The end.

Really, there wasn’t much more. Sean comments to her that he had so much fun today with her. Ummm, sitting on a blanket? That was “so much fun”? Did you finger bang her under that blanket? Receive a hand job I missed? Oh wait, that wouldn’t be fun either, really.

They end the night making out on a platform with the entire city of Whitefish watching. Awww, romantic. Super special.


Group Date 

The awesome group date this week is for Selma (spicy Iraqi), AshLEE (control freak organizer), Desiree (bridal stylist chick, bubbly-ish), Catherine (huh?), Sarah (one arm, sweet but a little boring, self confidence of a paper cup), Lesley (political chick, seems normal), Robyn (the lone surviving black girl) and Daniella (wasted Kesha).

Sean tells us he is making the girls compete in an obstacle course race. He says, “I don’t need an outdoorsman wife, but...well, wait, yes, I do. Apparently.”

Selma says he looks handsome today, but I’m not listening to her words because what the fuck is on her head? That does not scream “low-maintenance, outdoorsy wife”. Also, she looks like an Iraqi Kelly Ripa, no?


Also, I’m going to go out on a limb here, but I’m thinking AshLEE, the personal friggin organizer, doesn’t rough it too often. Just a hunch.

The obstacle course is an exhibition of humiliation. I mean, the canoe race is mind-blowing. When you’re in the back of a canoe and you’re going the wrong way, YOU SWITCH FUCKING SIDES, and start rowing on the other! For fucks’ sake. I know it requires you to pull the oar out of the water, but isn’t that kind of intuitive? I guess not. You can see Sean’s outdoorsy-wife fantasies flying out the window.

After some canoeing, hay-carrying, sawing and goat milking, the red team has to down a glass of warm goat milk to win the race. Somehow Desiree is forced to take this bullet for the team and wow, the chick can gulp. I DO wish it was goat semen, because that would have made THIS picture that much more disgusting.


Sorry, that was really gross.

Red team wins, so Desiree, Robyn, Sarah and Selma get to hang out with Sean more while the blue team heads home. However, soon after arriving at the bar, Sean decides that these four chicks aren’t exciting enough for him, so he invites the losing team to come, which is rude but awesome because it makes the red team come unhinged which is always fun to watch. Smitty delivers the news to the blue team in their hotel room and they’re ecstatic. This is how I know I’m too old for this shit. If I was snuggled in sweats about to go to bed and someone told me I had to get dressed up, put on makeup and go flirt with a guy, I’d be SO sad.

Tierra bitches that she’s being misled. THIS I don’t follow. How exactly? You DO KNOW you’re on a show where he dates lots of chicks, right? You have a date with him tomorrow. Chill the fuck out, you insecure pile of bitchiness.

She runs to find Sean so she can get the reassurance she needs. Sean, warning. I know you like her, but a chick that needs CONSTANT reassuring when you’ve been on two dates with her, is a bomb waiting to explode. This show is fucking chalk-full of mental health issues. I mean, for the love of God.

Speaking of mental health issues, Daniella starts to cry that Sean doesn’t pay attention to her. She sounds like my four year-old. Sean works to soothe her by saying nice things, but the only thing that makes her feel better is when they kiss. Ahhh, self-confidence. Sean gives her the rose from the date, which is an odd choice to me. Someone said that Sean seems to go to the dramatic chicks. He feeds right into the crying chick, the needy one, etc. That’s so true! And super annoying.


Tierra and Jackie Date 

Well, since they’ve showed the previews of Tierra being super cold in Tuesday night’s episode, we already know how this date will end. Not that I thought Jackie stood a chance anyway. Nice girl, kind of cute, but not much else going on.

Sean tells us he loves getting outdoors, so that’s what we’ll do today. FUCK WE GET IT. You’re soooo outdoorsy. We’ll call you Bear Grylls from now on. Geesh.

He says, “I really like both these girls!” Liar. You like Tierra. Or you want to get in her pants anyway.

They ride horses for a bit, have lunch in the wilderness and take turns sitting on a blanket and making out with Sean. Snooze. Jackie knows she’s about to go home. It’s no contest, right? So in her panic, she decides to bad mouth Tierra to Sean. Again, this never works. Why, WHY can’t they see it? It just shows how friggin insecure you are. Shut up. Man, I’m seriously going to create a document for chicks cast on this show. “How to behave on the Bachelor and how to pretend to be self-confident. Basically, how to lie to land a man. How to pretend to be something you’re not”….by Jen F. So it’s just a working title at this point.

They head into dinner and it’s super awkward and painful to watch. He soon gives Jackie the boot and then heads outside with Tierra to make out with her and watch fireworks. Lord this is slow tonight.


Cocktail Party

Highlights from the party:

• Desiree bitches to Sean about needing reassurance. She’s been normal-ish so far, but she is teetering on the edge here folks. She bitches a little about Tierra, but can’t back it up and it pisses off Sean. She needs to pull it together here or she’s out.
• Robyn hates Tierra, saying that she plays the “damsel in distress” role perfectly, and that’s pretty spot-on. She threatens to make it a “Bad Girls’ Club” and you can overhear the producers saying, “Oh yes, please? That would be AWESOME! Go go, do it! Slug someone!”
 • Tierra explains to Robyn in a screamy-rage that she’s a Scorpio, “I’m a scorpion! And my stinger comes out when I’m mad! Tierra MAD!” Sean walks by. He takes her outside and asks what is up. She explains that everyone is attacking her for no reason. He sits there. WHY the fuck doesn’t he say, “Look, I know girls are catty, but they can’t ALL be attacking you for NO reason.”
• He asks other girls why they hate Tierra so much and they all do a sucky job of throwing her under the bus. Why doesn’t anyone just say, “Dammit Sean! The bitch is full of drama and neediness! There’s always something that sets her off or makes her cry or something! She fell down a fucking flight of stairs, ten seconds before you walked in! I mean, did you see previews for tomorrow night? Bitch falls through a glacier or something!”
• Sean tells Smitty that he isn’t confident anymore that his wife is in that room. Well, that’s honest.


Rose Ceremony 

Lindsay, Daniella, and Tierra already have roses.

The others go to:

-Selma - 29, Real Estate Developer, San Diego. Selma’s cute but high maintenance. He won’t pick her because he’s not allowed to bang her on TV.
-Catherine - 26, Graphic Designer, Seattle. Wow, there is nothing exciting to say about her. I guess that means she’s normal.
- Lesley - 25, Political Consultant, Washington DC. She seems the most normal, but still has a personality. I’m not sure she’s Southern belle enough for Sean, but none of these chicks really are.
-AshLEE - 32, Personal Organizer, Houston. She seems sweet…I just don’t know if Sean sees a wife in there.
-Sarah - 26, Advertising Executive, Los Angeles. She’s a sweet girl. Really cute, and nice, but quiet and not all that exciting. Did I mention she only has one arm?
-Desiree - 26, Bridal Stylist, Los Angeles. Teetering on the edge of craziness.

Which means that along with Jackie, Robyn heads home. I guess he didn’t feel like taking a bite of her chocolate anymore. (See last week’s recap for explanation.)

See you next week, folks. Oh fuck, I mean, I’ll see you tomorrow.