Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Bachelor Finale Recap - "Most Dramatic!" Oh wait. No, not dramatic.

It wasn’t a “dramatic three hour event”, as advertised. Nothing can be dramatic for THREE fucking hours. I mean, good lord. I don’t want to do anything for three hours. Geesh.

So that was long… But at least it’s over and dare I say it: these two might make it to the Alter. I’m not saying they’ll be married forever, but I think they’ll get married just because they’re probably desperate to hump. Once they get married, hump and live together for three years, I don’t know what will happen. These are the dangers of being a born-again virgin. Let that be a lesson to you young people out there: Pre-marital sex is the best option. Wait…

The Lowe’s arrive in Thailand 

Shay Shay brought the damn kids to Thailand? That is a bold move…how many hours does it take to fly to Thailand? 76 maybe? 135? Waaaaaay too long with toddlers. Wow. I’m exhausted after the 35-minute flight to Los Angeles with my kids. And can’t you just see the Producers’ faces when Sean said to them, “Look, I want my family in Thailand and my sister wants two extra tickets and an extra bungalow for her spawn. Make it happen.”

Also, these people comprise the cutest fucking family of all time. I want to marry Sean too, just so I can hang out with Jay. Sherry? Not as much. But I want to party with Jay.

Sherry loves her Seannie, but she’s a bit annoying here, telling Sean OVER and OVER that he doesn’t have to get engaged. This one is afraid to lose her little boy. I get it. I’ll never let anyone marry my 5-year old son. I think about it and freak the fuck out. I plan on whispering to him on his wedding day “pssst, this is a huge mistake. Nobody will ever love you like I do. I will haunt this bitch’s dreams”.

 Love the cameraman running around behind them

Man, I’m chatty today. Let’s move on. The family meets Catherine first and my first tears are shed when she sits down with Jay. He says to her, “If it’s you, you will never have a bigger fan than me. I’ll love you like my daughter.” Seriously, I’m almost crying just writing this shit. How cute is that? I want to take off Jay’s clothes and make dirty love to him. Love him. Love. She looks genuinely touched and I want her to win so she can chill out with Jay on a porch swing for the rest of her life.

Sherry really likes Catherine too but she’s a little more reserved saying that Catherine is a great girl but she wishes they could spend more time together. Oh mommy. Chill, lady.

Next up is Lindsey and she’s nervous about meeting the family. She says, “I could easily walk though that door and make a bad impression.” Nah, you’ve never done THAT before.

Lindsey has nice talks with the fam, too, and she knows that the way into the Lowe’s hearts is to say the word, “prayer” a lot. So kudos to her about that. She tells Jay she wants to hang out with Sean for the rest of her life, which is kind of cute, actually. Then she says, “He challenges me.” What does that really mean? People say that shit all the time and I don’t totally get it. Why do you want someone challenging you all the time? That sounds exhausting. Can’t you just chill out together? I feel like the person who challenges you will be grilling you with Jeopardy questions all night long, and lecturing you on how you need a better job, or shit like that. No thanks. Let’s just drink wine, eat sandwiches and watch the Bachelor.

Jay tells Lindsey when Sean was born, they began praying for his wife, and when they meet her they wonder, “Is that the one I’ve been praying for all these years?” I mean, for fucks’ sake, the guy’s a poet. I’m crying. Again. He should be a motivational speaker or something. Good lord.

After she leaves, Jay tells Sean he loves both the girls and Sherry continues to freak out about Sean “not needing” to make a decision this week. Poor lady needs a Xanex or something.

Last date with Lindsey 

I mean...the pink denim shorts are unbelievable. I can’t decide if I’m mad and horrified at her for having the balls to wear this shit, or jealous that I would look horrendous in those. I guess I’m 13 years older than her. I would’ve rocked those at 24, too. No, I wouldn’t have. Maybe 18. Maybe…

They take a raft ride and all I can think is…that shit is not well made. It’s about to sink. Abort!

Nothing important happens on the raft. Back at her hotel room there is a lot of slurpy kissing. A lot. She tells him she has a surprise for him. Oh no. I’m picturing the dreaded scrapbook. She gives him three lanterns – they’re supposed to write a wish on each one and light them and send them into the world and the wishes will come true. She writes, “Love”, “Happiness” and “Family” on them. I guess she should have been more specific?

Also, that is a crazy fire hazard. Wow. Way to almost light an entire country on fire. Good lord.

Last date with Catherine 

Catherine tells Sean she got to touch an elephant yesterday. Sean replies, “In a couple months you can touch my elephant, if you know what I mean.” No, he didn’t say that.

They ride an elephant around which excites Catherine to no end. I feel a bit voyeuristic watching them ride it, because of the way the elephant walks and the way Sean is smashed up against Catherine’s ass, they look like they’re humping every time the elephant takes a step. I’m sure he has the biggest born-again-virgin boner ever. It’s actually a bit awkward. It’s not like they can have sex for months anyway after that ride – her lady parts are going to need time to heal. Bruised much? Ouch.

Back at her hotel room that night, she blabs about how difficult it is to open up. Honestly, I zoned out here and there’s no way I’m rewinding. Sorry. She eventually tells him she loves him and he responds with, “We had fun today, right?” Sean…Sean boy. Not cool. I get that you can’t say, “I love you”, but you could throw the girl a tiny bone, right? (no pun intended). You could say, “You know I can’t say anything, but I really, really like you too.” OK maybe that’s worse.

So she’s a little pissed, saying she can’t get anything out of him and she needs to know there’s some kind of reciprocation. Hang on - I have to note this down for my seminar. He CAN’T SAY HE LOVES YOU. Geesh. This seminar is going to be a big seller here. I can help a lot of chicks out.

Hold the phone! Neil Lane is in Thailand! He says he has the best job in the world. No shit – you get to fly to Thailand for a thirty-second appearance. Sean tells him, “I want a ring that says ‘This is how I feel and these feelings aren’t going to change ever’.” Neil responds with, “Riiiiight, well, they’re just rings, so I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Can you pick one? I’d like to go ride an elephant today.”

Final Rose Ceremony! 

I like that I put an exclamation mark on that paragraph heading. As if I’m SO EXCITED!

Lindsey, Catherine and Sean voice over themselves saying they’re nervous, in love, blah blah blah. The first one out of the Thai limo is………….Lindsey. As she’s walking to Sean, she says, “Today is the best day of my life. Today is the day I’m going to get engaged. I’m just so happy, I can’t believe this happened. It’s what I’ve always wanted.” Way to rub salt in the wound, Bachelor people.

Sean says goodbye to Lindsey, saying a bunch of lines like “it’s not you” and “I’ve been praying for clarity”, blah blah and she handles it well. She’s emotional but not rude and not a big baby. She says, “So I’m going to go now because this is really painful.” She then takes her heels off, as if to say, “Fuck you. I don’t need to impress you anymore.” So that’s cool.

In the limo, she’s a little more pissed, saying, “He dangled everything I wanted in front of my face.” I don’t even NEED to make the joke here, do I?

Smitty walks up to Sean and gives him a note. This fucking note has been dramatically advertised all season, when it fact, it turns out to be….a note. About nothing. It’s from Catherine, obviously, and she tells Sean she’ll love him forever and can’t wait to build a life, blah blah. Damn Bachelor people.

Sean is looking VERY orange when he tells Catherine how much he loves her and that he wants to spend the rest of his life telling her that he loves her. She, on the other hand, looks like she’s about to vomit. Really. She is shitting her very gold dress. He gets down on one knee, asks her to marry him and she says yes, then hugs him and says, “I’m so addicted to you!” Oh lord.

I thought that was Smitty watching them

She looks really happy and so does Sean. Sherry is at home crying, however, and Jay is giving himself a high-five. (?) Shay is at home crying since her kids have still not recovered from the Thailand flight jetlag. And I’m crying because it’s cute and I’m so fucking happy this is over. Mama needs a break.

After the Final Rose 

This was dumb. They could have tacked on ten extra minutes for this. Lindsey came out first and asked Sean all the same questions that all cast-off chicks ask: What did I do wrong? What went wrong? When did you know? Sean explains that he has no real reason except that he fell in love with Catherine. I don’t know…if I guy tells me he wants to break up because he’s in love with someone else, that’s usually enough for me.

Catherine comes out next and they look cute and in love, etc. They’re looking forward to holding hands in public and going to movies. Also, they’re extremely excited to bone. They didn’t say that exactly, but they announced that they will have their wedding on ABC, soon. That is code for, we want to get married ASAP so we can hump, but we don’t want to actually have to plan or pay for it.

Catherine isn’t super eloquent when put on the spot. When asked about their wedding, she says, “I don’t see why there has to be a waiting period.” Ummm, like when you buy a gun?

Sean then says that he doesn’t want to plan too far ahead but Catherine’s bags are packed to move to Dallas. Huh?

Smitty then announces that Desiree will be the next Bachelorette, probably the worst kept secret in Bachelorette history. Woo hoo. I’m too tired to even think about whether I care about this or not. I don’t love her, don’t hate her. Me = ambivalent right now. I am however, excited to see her crazy brother.

So that’s it folks. I’ll see you back here for the Bachelorette. It usually starts in mid-May, but Smitty said it’ll be on “this summer”, so we’ll see what that means. Thanks for reading, commenting and making me laugh too! Love you all.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Bachelor Recap - Women Tell All. Also, AshLEE is still crazy.

I’m never going to complain about this show being boring ever again, because nothing will ever be considered boring when compared to this episode.

Smitty: Are you guys excited to see Sean? What about Sean with his shirt off?

 No shirt-Sean? I think I just came. 

Sean and Smitty hit some Bachelor viewing parties to surprise the chicks. They head to the Delta Gamma house at UCLA and as expected the chicks squeal and cheer and do that anchor thing with their arms. This part would have been sooo much more interesting if they went to a fraternity house.

Sean claims it’s humbling to have all these people invested in how his life turns out. I appreciate the sentiment, but I think people are more interested in watching these bitches crash and burn, than how Sean’s life turns out. Just a hunch.

The Laaaaadies 

 Seriously, what attacked her chest? 

Most of the chicks are there except Tierra who apparently has been sequestered back stage for her own safety. After a quick recap of the drama in the house, we dive into Tierra (that’s what he said). We spend waaaay too much time talking about her and how everyone hated her. After one full hour, I’ve deduced that all the drama stems from the fact Tierra isn’t a morning person.

Tierra comes out in a hideous, 1980’s number, complete with a tummy cutout. Yikes. Trying to explain the sparkle, she says her Dad always told her that. She says, “When I walk into a room, I bring joy and light up a room.” I understand trying to bolster your kids’ self-esteem but her dad is a straight-up liar. On a related note, I would never, in a million years, say this: “People just judge me based on my looks.” I mean, that takes balls. I wouldn’t say that if I looked like Gisele Bundchen. It’s just not cool to say. (Side note, I hate Giselle. And Bruno Mars. And Faith Hill. I digress…)

I love Smitty in this setting. He says what I would say (albeit with less “fucks” and general sarcasm). He says, “So you don’t have to be best friends with everyone, but why not friendly?” She says, “I felt ganged up on! And believe me, I usually like being ganged up on, if you know what I mean, but not by these chicks!” Just kidding.

Tierra says she doesn’t want to apologize for anything, then says she wants to apologize and realizes she can work on her flaws. She also flaunts a large engagement ring and says she was engaged back in January—the same month she was dumped by Sean. So that’s healthy.


Was it necessary to show Sarah saying, “I’m going to be the girl at the end, I just know it!” Then switch to her sobbing, “It’s always the same! I’m special and a great girl, waaaa!” No, I’m kidding. That must suck for sure. I’ve said that line to boys and they’ve said it to me. You like them, but not really. It blows to hear it. But let me settle this for you, Sarah: It has absolutely nothing to do with your arm. If you were missing a brain, all four limbs or a vagina, we’d have problems, but nobody gives a shit about the fact you only have one arm. You’re not married for two reasons: 1) You haven’t met the right guy because you’re only like, 22, or some shit. And 2) You act like you’re on a constant drip of Quaaludes.


Oh my god, you guys, I have SO much to say about Desiree’s time in the hot seat! Oh wait, no, no I don’t. She says she was sad and thought she was perfect for Sean, and yes the hometown was bad, and then I fell asleep. My god.

The only thing of note here, is that Desiree is treating this as her Bachelorette audition. “I’m very open to finding love and I just want to make someone happy.” She continues, “And by ‘someone’, I mean myself, hopefully on the Bachelorette sticking my hand down 25 guys’ pants on a yacht somewhere. Weee!”


She starts off sounding quite normal, but soon begins to sound like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. You know, the one who cooked the bunny? Oh my god! I just realized it was probably her who killed Magic!

She says her pissy goodbye wasn’t because she was mad but in shock. She says she’s not in love with him anymore – she knew he didn’t want her so she had to move on, and once she started watching the show, she realized he wasn’t what she thought he was. See? Sounding normal-ish. Then it begins to break down…when Sean comes out, she bashes him for not coming to check on her after he dumped her. (“I’m not going to be ignored, Dan.” Anyone? Fatal Attraction? Fuck I’m old.)

Sean says that would have made it worse. YES! You dumbass, he didn’t want to be with you. And yes, that hurts, but if he came to see you, you would have hounded him about WHY and cry and it would be waaay too much for anyone to deal with. I get it. She says she was dishonored by him. She wondered how he could change his mind about her in four days (from their overnight date to the rose ceremony). Ummm, have you seen this show? Everything he’s saying to you, he’s saying to two other chicks. He’s dating them just as seriously as you. I don’t understand why all these chicks act like they’ve never seen this show before. In my seminar that I plan to teach one day about how to succeed on this show without looking crazy, lesson number one will be to WATCH THE GODDAMN SHOW.

Sean admitted that one of the reasons he dumped her was because it was hard to find laughter with her. I KNEW IT! You know why there was no laughter? Because all she ever did was talk about HOW IN LOVE SHE WAS.

The big drama comes when AshLEE tells Sean that she can’t understand why he told her he had no feelings for the other two women. He claims he did not say that. I’d be willing to bet on Sean in this argument.

After a mediocre blooper reel, we see some previews for next week and that’s about it, folks. Oh and RIP Magic.

Next week is the two-hour finale and then the hour-long “After the Final Rose”. I've heard they're going to announce the next Bachelorette on the ATFR special. Sarah and Desiree are frontrunners, with Desiree clearly winning out - Sarah is too meek. Bachelorette starts in May, people.

Should be good stuff next week! And uh, long.