Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap – The magician was a joke, right?

Soooo, how many of you watched the first five minutes last night and said to yourself, “Oh fuck I just can’t do this again.”

Welcome back readers! I’m actually kind of excited for this to start. Well, actually, I wasn’t excited until I watched last night’s episode. Desiree kind of drives me nuts but there are a few guys this season who will certainly make some good drama (read, they’re pussies), so that might be fun!

Let me introduce my blog, to those readers who may be new. Here are the basics…I recap every episode of the Bachelorette, but I’m not the most efficient recapper. I leave out a lot of crap because I’m more interested in poking fun at this show than giving you a good, detailed recap. I’m not a news reporter…I’m just a smartass. So don’t yell at me for forgetting shit. Also, these posts tend to be long since I end up rambling in a crazy, babbling way. I apologize in advance. Finally, I’m not into spoilers. I hear Reality Steve is the way to go if you want to find out what happens in advance, but I actually like NOT knowing, so don’t come here for spoilers. So, you’re saying to yourself, “So she doesn’t recap really well and she doesn’t tell me spoilers so what the fuck am I reading her for?” I guess I can’t help you with that one. I’m just a shallow smartass who makes fun of this show. I used to yell at my TV and my husband told me that I needed an outlet. So I wrote emails to my friends, which turned into this blog, which turned into WAY more people reading it than I ever thought. So that’s fun, but I still don’t really know what I provide. Also, I use a lot of bad language.

One more thing, and this is important for this season: I like to gauge a guy’s attractiveness and whether he would be a good choice, by one thing only: Whether I can picture him naked on top of me. It’s actually quite effective. Some guys are good looking but there’s someone ooobly about him that makes me cringe if I picture him having an orgasm while on top of me. Then there are some dudes who aren’t as traditionally good looking, but I really want them to wiggle on me naked. You’ll see what I mean. Let’s get started.


Desiree starts out every day the same way I start out every day: Talking to myself about fairy tales and rollerblading while wearing a bikini top and pink cowboy hat. These producers are such fuckbags. If they suggested that to me, I’d say, “Hell no, are you people crazy? That’s fucking ridiculous. Nobody does that.” But Desiree says, “Ok sounds fun, weeee!” Can’t you just picture her saying that?

She then tries to win over America by saying they were poor when she was growing up and they had “the same struggles that all Americans do”. That makes her super real, people. She’s an all-American sweetheart, a la Reese Witherspoon. Don’t you want to just root for her? Not me. I don’t care where you came from, lady pants. I just want you to be normal and fun, and you cry too much. Also, you are sort of awkward and don’t really put those dudes at ease. More to come on that.

Also, the Bachelorette producers left her a drafting table so she can begin designing her wedding dress. As she parlays her 15 minutes of fame into real life, I see a future “Dresses by Desiree” line in her future. Like Trista Sutter’s handbag line. Uh oh.

That Bentley is not Tiffany blue. That shit is 1970’s appliance turquoise. Wow. What a shame to do to a Bentley. Who am I kidding, I’d still drive it.

We spend the next 20 minutes hearing the exact same thing we hear from every Bachelor/Bachelorette on the first episode: “I’m ready to fall in love. I’ve had heartbreak before but now I’m in the right place to find love. This opportunity is like a fairy tale. I hope my herpes has cleared up.” You know, the regular stuff.

Side note: She has thick calves.

She talks to Chris and tells him what she wants in a husband: Someone who can communicate and who loves cuddling. Really, that’s it? How about “Not a magician or a total pussy?”

The happy couple...wait, what?

Chris introduces us to some of the guys 

Bryden, 26, Montana, War Veteran: He joined the military IMMEDIATELY after getting his heart broken. If THAT doesn’t seem like poor-decision making, I don’t know what is. I’m all for defending the country, but maybe you don’t make that decision just to get away from a girl?

Will, 28, Chicago, Banker: He does sweaty yoga and high-five’s people in the street a lot.

Drew, 27, Scottsdale, Digital Marketing Analyst: He has divorced parents, an alcoholic father and a mentally handicapped sister. But he loves his life in Scottsdale?

Nick, 26, Chicago, Tailor/Magician: He’s a magician. Enough said.

Zak, 31, Mico, Texas, Drilling Fluid Engineer: He likes to be naked and he’s a “drilling” engineer. I bet he makes jokes about being good at drilling when he’s hitting on chicks in bars. Yup, he’s that guy. I want no part of him naked on top of me. Yuckers.

Robert, 30, Los Angeles, Advertising Entrepreneur. He’s the spinning sign guy. Do you think he’s THE spinning sign guy? Either he’s loaded or homeless. Also, he skateboards so now he reminds me of Jef with one F – the young entrepreneur who skateboards. Except he’s not nearly as cool, and I don’t want him naked on top of me. Jef on the other hand? He can wiggle on me naked all day long (except when I need to eat and pee).

Mike R., 27, Dallas, Texas, Dental Student: I can’t figure out what color he is?

Brandon, 26, Costa Mesa, California, Painting Contractor: He’s an “adrenaline junkie”. Oh God, annoying. Who wants to marry an adrenaline junkie? He wants to wakeboard all day. It’ll be hard to convince him to change a shit diaper and cook me dinner, right?

Limos are here! 

The 25 guys are here, and according to my calculations it takes approximately six hours for all of them to get out of the car. Fuck this is long.

Drew, see above: He trots up to her and giggles, like a nervous schoolgirl. Definitely not naked-on-top-of-me material. (Are you getting it yet?)

Brooks, 28, Salt Lake City, Marketing Consultant: He has cool, scraggly hair but I’m not sure he has the coolness to support his cool-guy hair. Also his teeth are flat. Does that make sense? Somehow it does for me.

Brad, 27, Denver, Accountant: He seems cute, but maybe he’s a dick?

Bryden, see above: He seems normal here, probably because he looks comfortable with himself and not all fidgety and pussy-like.

Michael G., 33, Miami, Federal Prosecutor: He tells Desiree he’s going to find her penny in the fountain because she deserves a do-over. Seems like a good idea, kind of cute, but not too dork-cute. However, they cleaned out the fountain and he looks for her penny for WAY too long.

Kasey, 29, San Luis Obispo, Advertising Executive: #DORK.

Will, see above: He calls Desiree “Athena” and wants her to come up with a name for him too? Don’t fucking test me on Greek mythology, dude. We get it, you’re SOO smart.

Mikey, 30, Illinois, Plumbing Contractor: He comes from a close family (read: Mob). All we have is family. Huh?

Jonathan, 26, North Carolina, Lawyer: Love this asshole. He gives her a fantasy suite card and she claims she is not that kind of girl. Way to have a fucking sense of humor, Des. Sure, he might be a rapist but isn’t this show all about taking risks? What a wet blanket. Geesh.

Zak, see above: He’s shirtless and asks Desiree if she’ll accept these abs. Two words: Awe.some. Not because I think he’s hot. I don’t. I’m not turned on by this overly muscular thing and I’m certainly not turned on by ridiculous egos, but I want to watch anyone on TV who has the balls to be THIS big of a fucking douche bag right off the bat. Love it.

James, 27, Chicago, Advertising: Who the fuck was this again?

Larry, 34, Berkeley, ER Doctor: He tries to spin her and dip her and it doesn’t really work because of her dress. Desiree says, “Yeah, not really the dress to do that in. hee hee.” I hate her for this. He’s being cute (sort of) and it doesn’t work and she doesn’t do anything to make it less awkward for him. Crack a joke or something, laugh, say it’s no big deal. She’s so rigid. I would have said, “This will work better if I take my dress off. Is that OK?” I don’t know, I’d just say something. She bugs me here. Also, I think Larry rocks and he’s misunderstood.

Nick, see above: Again, he’s the magician. He burns a napkin and makes a rose appear. He could make Jesus Christ appear and I still wouldn’t be impressed. Magician = dork.

Zack, 28, Newport Beach, Book Publisher: He’s wearing a suit with sneakers. I can’t decide if I think that’s cool or douchey? Either way, I think I like him. I think?

Diogo, 29, Ski Resort Manager, Lake Tahoe: This poor bastard doesn’t stand a chance. The producers probably told him the only way they’d cast him on the show is if he agreed to wear body armor. So he does and he…comes across as the dude who wears body armor. He seems sweet later on, but yeah, no.

Chris tells her that was only 15 guys and she still has 10 more to meet! Thank fucking god, she says to herself.

Chris, 27, Seattle, Mortgage Broker: He says he has butterflies. I immediately reach out to my TV and try to strangle him through the TV. DUDE…if a girl is a heterosexual, she wants to marry a man. Men don’t admit to having butterflies. Stop being such a pussy. Man up.

Mike, see above: He’s the dental student so he wears his white dental coat. That’s his way of impressing her? I’m almost a DENTIST, check me out. So yes, that’s lame and also, he looks like a mad scientist.

Robert, see above: He’s not a tie guy. What?

Juan Pablo, 31, Miami, Former Pro Soccer Player: I mean, just how much sex has this guy probably had in his lifetime? Wowzers. She’ll keep him around for a bit so she can make out with him and he’ll feel her boobs, but she can’t marry Juan Pablo.

Brandon, see above: The adrenaline junkie pulls up on a motorcycle. She says, “Oh great, that will be perfect for our newborn carseat.”

Brian, 29, Financial Advisor, Baltimore: He’s wearing a fuzzy coat and jeans, and tells her he wanted to do something different because he’s always in a suit back home. He’s an asshole for TWO reasons. ONE: Way to fucking get dressed up to meet me. Like I’m NOT as important as your job? Asshole. TWO: He’s secretly trying to tell Desiree he’s impressive because he’s got SUCH an important corporate job that he has to wear a suit everyday. You know who else wears a suit every day? A host in a fancy Chinese restaurant. Or a movie theater ticket-taker.

Micah, 32, Denver, Law Student: He wears a fucked up suit that he made himself because he knows she made her own dress last season. I dig it. It’s funny, not over the top, yet shows he paid attention last season and knows her. He’s cute-ish. So what does she do? She eliminates him. See? She sucks.

Nick M, 27, Charlotte, North Carolina, Investment Advisor: He seems cute, confident and normal…until he tells her he wrote her a poem. Sigh. These dudes are hopeless.

Dan, 30, Las Vegas, Beverage Sales Director. He looks like Jeff Probst. That’s all I got.

Ben, 28, Entrepreneur, Dallas: He brings his son with him. His son is cute, yes. He tells her that he wants her to know who he is from day one. I dig this. Don’t come out with it as a confession on date three. I dig it. However, he’s playing the son card pretty hard right now, so I’m torn on him. He seems cute and normal but I’m debating on the naked-on-top-of-me status.

Cocktail Party Highlights 

• Nick is wearing too much purple. There’s something off-putting about a guy who puts TOO much effort into his wardrobe. Also, in case I haven’t mentioned it, he’s a fucking magician.
• Brandon tells her that he flipped a coin to decide whether to come here. It was between a birthday party or the show. The show won. Desiree replies, “I’m so happy to hear you were so excited to meet me that a mother-fucking coin decided it for you. You douche bag.” OK That was me. She didn’t say that. She said this, “Awwww, that is so adorable!” Fuck you Desiree.
• Ben tells Desiree that his baby mama is his best friend. Soooo, that’s weird. They weren’t married, just good friends, but he accidentally knocked her up? Were they doing friend-like things together, like shopping or having lunch and his penis accidentally slipped inside her? This story is shady.
• Shirtless guy is still shirtless. It was a funny entrance I get it. Now put your fucking shirt on.
• Later shirtless guy says, “I need her to know I’m 100% serious about this.” Really? Again, start by putting your fucking shirt on. Also, jumping into a pool with your pants on is also not showing you’re serious about her.
• Hmmm, I MIGHT want Juan Pablo on top of me naked.
• Drew says to her, “When do the butterflies go away? I kind of don’t want them to go away.” Fuck you, Drew. (I bet Drew would caress your face when you kiss him. I also bet his love-making is slow and filled with gentle “I love you’s”. I think I might puke.)
• Jonathan is annoyed Desiree hasn’t gone to the fantasy suite with him yet. He plans on taking her there and “kissing her on the mouth”. She says no. He tries to take her there again and she sends him home. Ok he might be a little too Silence of the Lambs after all. Oh and he claims his love tank hasn’t been depleted in years. What the fuck? Go rub one out in the limo, dude. You’re freaking me out.

Rose Ceremony 

So we started with 25 guys but she’s already sent Jonathan home. So we have 24 left…Here’s the rose summary…

She gave roses to the following guys during the cocktail party:

Ben: The daddy. You can’t NOT give the single dad a rose on the first night. That’s in the contract.
Zak: Shirtless. She must feel bad that he’s been so cold all night.
Bryden: The war vet. He seems normal thus far.
Michael G.: The federal prosecutor. I feel like he’s really 55 years old.
Drew: Face-caresser with butterflies. Eww.
Nick: The investment advisor poet, NOT the Magician. Thank GOD.

At the actual rose ceremony, 13 more roses go to:

Brandon - The adrenaline junkie who now claims he just met his future wife. Oh lord, adrenaline junkie is crazy! This is exciting!
Zack - Suit with sneakers who doesn’t have one minute of airtime after limo introduction.
Will – Yoga guy. I like him, I think? More as a yoga buddy than a lover, but at least he doesn’t have butterflies.
Brooks – Cool guy hair.  
Juan Pablo – Hot, sexually experienced.
Brad – Accountant. So yeah, that’s all I wrote.
Kasey - #stillahugedork
James – No clue who this is.
Robert – Spinning sign guy.
Brian – He’s SO tired of wearing a suit, you guys. He’s so important back home, you guys.
Dan – Dan? There was a Dan?
Chris – Wait a minute, maybe he was the butterfly guy? Shit, I don’t know. Let’s just call them both pussies until we are convinced otherwise. (See? Told you I wasn’t the best factual recapper)
Mikey – Mob Mikey.

So the following guys get the boot:

Larry: Misunderstood ER Doctor who likes to dip.
Nick: Magician. Again, thank god.
Diogo: Armor guy. Poor Bastard. But let’s be honest – despite the armor, he didn’t stand a chance.
Micah: Guy who made his own horrible suit. Of course she lets the only fun one go.
Mike R.: Dental student with ambiguous skin color.
Jonathan: Aggressive fantasy suite guy. Either he’s a total rapist or he would have been the best sex she ever had. It’s a toss up.

Larry says he’s disappointed, especially because he practiced that dip with 50 women and only two of them had problems so he’s shocked it didn’t work out with Desiree. Ummm, were any of these women wearing ball gowns and heels? You can’t just practice it with 50 ER nurses wearing scrubs and those nurse-traction shoes. They have complete control of their movement in those bad boys. Geesh.

Nick, the magician says that maybe she just didn’t get to see who he really was. Maybe she did? Just sayin’.

That’s it folks. See you next week!