Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap – That’s a lot of hoodies

So you know it’s a boring night on the Bachelorette when the most interesting part to me was counting JUST how many friggin hoodies those boys wore. Every single one, I swear.

Seriously. Almost every single one.

You also know it’s boring when the producers have to lie in the previews – ummm, they previewed things that don’t happen until next week. Fuckers.

So the hoodies head to Munich this week. I booked a trip to Munich once and then happened to get pregnant with twins before I left. Therefore, by the time I took said trip to Munich, I was seven weeks pregnant and puking my fucking brains out every five minutes. I woke up one morning and sent my husband out to find me ANYTHING without goddamn sausage in it. He came back an hour later with McDonald’s french fries. That was literally the most un-disgusting thing he could find for me. Later that night, I actually found a salad on a menu at a restaurant! A salad! Greens! Thank god. They serve it to me, with a big fucking sausage lumped on top. I puked.

So anyhoo, I have bad memories of Munich, brought back to me with visions of this:

 This shit haunts my dreams.

You know who else hates Munich? And Desiree? Bryden. So sad. When he says to the Bachelor camera that he wants to go home, I literally feel like someone is breaking up with me. Please don’t go, Bryden. Although admittedly, one of the things I like about him is that he’s honest about his feelings for her. He’s just not that into her so he leaves. That is kind of manly and hot.


Chris Date 

Chris (27, Seattle, Mortgage Broker) says, “I couldn’t have asked for a better place to go on a date with Des.” Really? How about Fiji? Desiree then says, “I couldn’t have picked a better guy for this date than Chris.” Really? How about Bryden? Or even Smitty?

They head out to skip/dance to a German band or something, in the city square, with everyone watching. Why? They try on lederhosen. I hate this fucking show. We GET IT, you’re in Germany. Wait…GASP! I just had a thought. I think this is the season that this show has jumped the shark (Google it…although I’d be disappointed if you guys didn’t know this reference.) It’s just over…it’s the same shit. And I mean, the exact same shit. Why do we keep watching? There’s never real love at the end of it, there are the same dates, the same guys there for the wrong reasons and the same herpes outbreak.

After Bryden comes to tell Desiree he’s leaving (who is oddly fine with it. Did she not SEE how he was the best one?!), they head to a restaurant. Chris consoles her by saying that HE is there for the long haul. Desiree says to the Bachelor camera, “For him to tell me that he’s here until the end makes me know there ARE guys here who are true and honest”. Hold the phone, bitch. So Bryden doesn’t feel enough for you…he’s honest about it and heads home. Chris, who has known you for 28 days and tells you he’s 100% sure he would stay until the end, is the honest one? He doesn’t know for fuck whether he wants to marry you. He’s the irrational, not honest one. Bryden had the balls to be honest, at least. Grrrr.

I just can’t get a read on Chris. He seems sweet and genuine, but I can’t tell if he’s a Super Nerd or not. I also really hate the poetry. I also hate the fact he’s vowing his forever love to her. They head to the Munich Residenz for dinner (Someone is going to be in big trouble for misspelling that). Chris says he’s so excited for dinner, because he doesn’t have to worry about the other guys, or about brushing his teeth. Huh? Like at home he paces around mumbling, “Oh my god is it time to brush my teeth yet? Will I use an upward motion? I wonder if I should use mouthwash? Oh my it’s so stressful.”

Desiree says with Chris it feels normal. Kiss of death. Normal? Like how it feels in the grocery store? Normal, everyday? Hmm.

His poetry is horrendous and rhyming. Her teeth are too small…or her gums are too long? I’m so bored, this is what I’m noticing. Then they dance to a private concert by musician Matt Roid. I know that’s not his real name. Don’t care.

Chris says this is a fairy tale. No man should have those words in his vocabulary. I can’t imagine what a turn off that would be. Des says she can trust Chris. Again, that’s the kiss of death. Yes trust is important but that means this is ALL she feels for him. Safe, trustworthy, normal dude. Not “dude I want having an orgasm on top of me”. Albeit, that’s not the best gauge for husband-ing either, I suppose (Uh, Juan Pablo).


Group Date 

The group date is for Juan Pablo (31, Soccer player), James (27, Chicago, Advertising), Kasey (29, San Luis Obispo, #advertising), Zak (31, Drilling guy?), Brooks (28, Salt Lake City, Marketing), Drew (27, Scottsdale, Marketing) and Mikey (30, Chicago, Plumber).

 Hoodie count...every goddamn guy.

They head up a gondola and see some beautiful mountains – where the hell were those on my trip? The guys get to the top and yodel with an old guy. SO DUMB. They go sledding which looks like waaaay too much fun and I especially enjoy when Drew plows into her. Maybe don’t sled tailgate?

Also, love is like sledding down this hill, you guys. You just let go and see what happens! Umm, no you don’t. You hold on and control yourself. You don’t try to come across like a total pussy and try to have fun. Maybe it is like sledding.

Brooks wins major points with me here because he clocks her in the fucking face with snow, like my favorite scene in probably any movie, Dumb and Dumber.



After the snowball fight, they head inside this kick ass snow igloo thing and hang out on fur rugs. Mikey takes her outside and asks her if she wants to make mini-snowmen. It’s rare you get to see the actual MOMENT the girl decides she doesn’t like a guy. But that was it. Certainly.

Zak tells her he was going to be a priest but sat on a mountain in Europe and decided he wanted to bang chicks instead of dedicate his life to celibacy. He didn’t quite word it like that.

She gives the rose to Brooks, the end.


Michael and Ben Date 

I am looking forward to this two-on-one date because Desiree is the queen of NOT knowing how to work through awkward social situations. I’m also excited because Michael claims he has trial tactics – cross-examining and impeaching. I mean, my god.

Michael claims that Desiree picked him for the two-on-one date because she probably wants Michael to expose Ben. Ummm no. She picked you two because she doesn’t give a shit about losing either of you.

They take a hot tug ride. This thing is aweeeeesome. It’s a mobile hot tub, for fucks’ sake! I bet the hot tug website is blowin’ up today. Michael begins his trek down asshole lane by saying Ben’s father situation reminds him of his own because his father was also an absentee father. Uhh, ouch?

He continues doing this at dinner…again and again. My takeaway here is that he’s an idiot. He’s also an angry, passive-aggressive idiot. I mean, wow, dude. How in God’s name does he think this is a good idea? Just sit her down and tell her how Ben sucks. This tactic is lame and as Des points out, makes her uncomfortable. It also makes him look like a total asshole. She should have sent them both home. She’s not marrying Michael, I mean, come on.

Ben leaves dinner because he’s pissed and Desiree comes out to him, where it’s clear Ben is playing the victim card pretty hard. He says, “I just can’t keep getting hit…” He’s such a skeeze. Gross.

She gives the rose to Michael, which is a joke. Ben was terrible, but so was Michael. So dumb. In the getaway car, Ben is seriously freaky looking. Of course he asks to get drunk and asks when he can start banging other girls. Niiice.


Cocktail Party 

Actually, before the cocktail party, some of the guys are hanging out in the hotel room. Kasey and Drew tell the other dudes that they overheard James talking to Mikey, saying he owns Chicago and with this TV exposure, he’ll run that town. He can hook Mikey up with hot chicks and take them on boats (I’m paraphrasing). He also said if he makes it to top four, he has a good chance of being the Bachelor. Oh lord. Also, I’m mad at myself for ALMOST liking him last week. Dickhead. The guys want to tell Desiree about him…but they don’t get a chance because Desiree doesn’t want a cocktail party! The drama!

Smitty meets Desiree at Schlossenscholls-hifenberg-enstein. He is clearly booored with her so he starts asking her who the best kisser is. From an emotional standpoint, it’s Brooks. From a purely physical standpoint, it’s Zak. Wow, I don’t know which one is more offensive. He then asks Desiree how much it would suck if she fell in love and one left her right at the end? This is why I love Smitty.


Rose Ceremony 

Bryden and Ben have already gone home, and Chris, Brooks and Michael already have roses. The rest of the roses go to:

-Zak – shirtless on first night, oil driller, almost priest, best kisser.
-Kasey – hashtag guy. Nice guy, but there is NO way she’s marrying him. Zero.
-Juan Pablo – This dude is really hot, but I just laugh at what little airtime he gets. He has zero connection with Desiree but she keeps him around for fun. Thank you, Desiree.
-Drew – Oh my god, super nerd with unsettlingly coifed hair. You just don’t want him on you naked.
-James – cute and sweet, but now I think he’s a fucking meathead who thinks he rules the earth. Nothing is more unattractive, dude. Except poetry. And face caressing. And general pussiness.

Therefore, Mikey is sent home. He says he says he has a lot to offer and she’s missing out. I want to think he’s being genuine but now I can’t help but picture him shirtless on a boat with James and some whores.

Next week, I THINK, we’ll finally get to see the drama when the guys tell Desiree James sucks. So that’s something to look forward to…maybe?

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The Bachelor Recap - A whole lot of gay

Oh my fucking god this was the most boring episode of all time. We had to add an old Jersey couple to the show…for forty goddamn minutes? It didn’t help the boredom factor. Snooze.

Smitty is looking, uh…loud in that plaid number. He tells the 13 remaining guys that there are again three dates this week, and they get to leave the mansion and go to…Atlantic City! I can almost hear the guys groan and say, “What the hell? That’s bullshit, what about Rome or Fiji?”

They arrive and it’s described as Vegas on the ocean. Wait a second, really? Count me in!


Brad Date 

The moment I know Brad gets the first one-on-one date, I realize Desiree did that so she can get rid of him. The girl likes to stick her tongue in the guys’ mouths and get felt up – she’s not missing out on an opportunity to do that with Juan Pablo on a one-on-one date, for Brad. She’s doing it to give him the boot. Also, he’s totally gay.

They spend the day on rides, winning prizes, eating taffy and pretending they’re breaking into a chocolate factory when clearly it was planned in advance. Also, it’s like a factory of poop on a conveyor belt.

Desiree says she always noticed Brad was gorgeous but she’s noticing it more now that he’s in his element. His element? At the fair? Not sure if you want a guy who is in his element at a fair, with cotton candy and dangerous rides. (I mean, that slingshot? Accident waiting to happen.)

They sit next to a big old sand castle that some poor production assistant worked his fingers bloody making. I would have walked up to it and kicked it…just to see if I could make that assistant cry. The conversation here and at dinner is painful. I’m almost under my sofa. The producers make it so much worse by not playing any music and never editing it. They just show these horrible pauses. Anyway, they make the poor decision to climb to the top of a lighthouse JUST so she can dump him at the top of it. They make it to the top: “Phew we made it” pause pause pause pause pause… “So yeah, unfortunately Brad I do have to say goodbye”.

I don’t blame her – it was awkward and there was no spark and he’s gay, may beat drunk women and named his son Maddox. I DO bet he’s the nicest guy on the planet, but really not naked-on-top-of-me material.


Group Date 

The group date is for Brooks (flat teeth, cool hair), Bryden (war vet, hot, my favorite), Zak K (shirtless oil driller), Kasey (#dork), Drew (I think he’s gay), Juan Pablo (hot soccer player that she is keeping around solely as man-candy), Zack W (who?), Mikey (mod plumber, meathead), Ben (sooo creepy, single dad), Michael (gay prosecutor) and Chris (mortgage Seattle guy.)

The guys are told they have to participate in a Mr. America pageant. To help them, they’ve hired the single gayest man around – of course he’s a pageant coach. (You can hear Michael and Drew cheer!) Anyway, the competition is apparently how to make the dudes look as gay as possible. Why are the talent options ribbon dancing and high heel walking? And the super gay monologue? Ew.

They oil each other up and the show begins. Are you a giver or taker, Kasey? #imjustadork. Mikey slaughters his question by saying he’s not just a body, but he likes to cry and takes walks on a beach. WOW. Chris wants to take girls out to dinner more and Juan Pablo wants to date a dancer. Yup, that’s the interview portion in a nutshell. (Desiree is not optimistic)

Talent portion is worse though. Kasey stomps around in tap shoes, Bryden pelvic thrusts in the poor black man’s face and Mikey does handstand push-ups. Again…WOW.

The swimsuit portion is very muscled and oily. Third place goes to Brooks, second to Zak and the winner is Kasey. #whatthefuck

Highlights from the after-party:

• Chris wants to show her his serious side with a poem. I can’t think of a bigger turn off than a guy reading poetry. Is that just me? Ewww.
• Wait a second, a dude alone in a bubble bath eating strawberries might be a bigger turn off. James, I’m talking to you. What is wrong with these guys?
• Everyone hates Ben. Ben looks skeevy, yuck.
• Zak gets the rose from this date because he sang her a song while playing his guitar. Twice.


James Date 

Oh Mike Fleiss, you scumbag. Way to turn a real tragedy into a Bachelor segment. It was all one big advertisement for Red Cross and I found it kind of lame. I’m all for bringing awareness to tragedy where we can help, but it all just felt…skeevy.

They take a helicopter ride over the devastation and it is really sad, but maybe someone should have told those people not to build houses SO close to the ocean? OH MY GOD, I’m kidding, do not write me hate emails. I’m sorry, sorry. I kid.

We meet Manny and Jan, I think, and these two are sweet and yes, I feel bad for their loss, but MAN do they suck up a lot of air time. We get it, the Bachelor wants to do something nice for them, but enough already.

I admit I zone out a lot here. Manny and Jan are sweet, but it’s just long. James and Desiree tell them that they can have their fancy date tonight in Atlantic City! Weee! To which Manny replies, “Oh really? Dinner? I was hoping for a new fucking house. But thaaaaaanks, assholes.”

Desiree and James go to a bar for pizza and beer (awesome) and James is growing on me. I think. Desiree gives James her “money can’t buy happiness” speech, which is total crap. Of course money can buy happiness. I’m not saying all rich people are happy, but with 10 million dollars I could buy a lot of shit that would make me happy. Like a new kitchen without a 1982 dishwasher called the “Potscrubber 1200”.

James tells her he cheated on his girlfriend. They were together for five and a half years and he apparently cheated when he was 18, a freshman in college. So they got together when he was 12 and a half? Then yes, you can cheat on her. You began dating her because she shared her sandwich and Oreos at lunch. You’re forgiven.

Desiree isn’t so sure. She says, “It’s disappointing that he cheated, because it shows temptation might be a problem.” Riiiiight, you idiot. Temptation is never a problem for anyone else. Never. I almost banged a Starbucks barista last year. Please.

Again, instead of giving them a new house, we surprise these poor people with a restored wedding album. Meh, sure, that’s kind of nice, but again, I’d like to NOT sleep in a bus station. But now I have my wedding album to keep me warm! Thanks!

More Manny and Jan time: They dance at a private concert by Hootie and the Blowfish. Yeah, I know he’s not with them anymore, and wants to be called by his actual name, Darius Rucker, but I’ll probably only be able to call him Hootie. He’s kind of hot, no? For a black dude, he can’t dance for shit though.

Des gave James the rose, by the way, and they make out a lot. The end.


Cocktail Party 

Highlights from the cocktail party:
 • Bryden says he thinks his feelings are falling behind where they should be. I will be devastated if he leaves because I like looking at him. However, I kind of totally respect him for not being a total pussy like a lot of these dudes.
 • Michael says he has “a gesture he wants to present to Desiree.” I start to get excited – this is the stuff I look forward to. And it’s every bit as lame as I hope. D is for down to earth, E is for easy to talk to, etc. I mean, who doesn’t want a guy who does THAT?! Am I right ladies? Forget being funny, hot and kind – make me a fucking anagram. Wait, that’s not an anagram. What is it? Fuck you know what I mean. They make out and horror: he’s a face grabber. The horror. Also? Still gay.
• Bryden confesses to Des he’s not sure he likes her a whole lot and I get the feeling she doesn’t totally get it. She tells him to take it slow. Ummm, sure, he says, but you might just suck. Not sure.


Rose Ceremony

James and Zak W. already have roses and Brad has already gone home. The remaining roses go to:

-Chris: Seattle mortgage broker. Poet. A little dorky?
-Brooks: flat teeth, cool guy hair, tone deaf
-Juan Pablo: soccer player, hot. But really? She’s not going to MARRY a dude named “Juan Pablo”. Bitch, please.
-Drew: Gay as a two-dollar bill.
-Michael: Gay prosecutor.
-Ben: Smarmy single dad who everyone hates. He makes me wiggly. Yuck.
-Kasey: hashtag dork. The last one I’d want on me naked.
-Bryden: The first one I’d want on me naked. Mama like.
-Mikey: Mob plumber. Nice guy, but just a friggin meathead.

Therefore she sends Zack home. I mean, TWO guys go home? That’s IT? For the love of God.

Zack is confused and says he came here hoping for love, leap of faith, blah blah. But dude? Your odds of winning a wife here are 1 in 25 so it’s not THAT shocking, right? Geesh. See you next week, peeps.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap – A mess of tank tops and flesh-colored leggings

Peach leggings, men wearing lady-tanks and serious mental instability…what more could a blogger ask for?


Group Date 

The first group date goes to Chris (Mortgage Broker from Seattle), Brian (Investment Advisor, Loud Talker aaaand general dirt bag), Drew (overly soft marketing dude from Scottsdale), Michael (Federal Prosecutor who seems out of place), Brooks (flat teeth, cool-guy hair), Brad (Accountant, child-hider), Mikey (Mob Plumber but sweet guy), Brandon (cray cray cray cray cray), Zack K. (Book publisher. No really, who the fuck is this?), and Ben (Single Dad everyone despises for talking to Desiree?).

They head to a gym where they are forced to play dodgeball with extremely serious dodgeball dudes. They throw that ball HARD and I know I would cry if I was ever hit like that. But I keep thinking how AWESOME it would be if they played this on the Bachelor and all the chicks were nailed that hard. Wouldn’t that be amazing?

The dodgeball commissioner says, “We’ve been invited here today to teach you how to play our game.” This can be translated as, “I just want to make it clear we did not ASK to be here and be associated with this show. We are being paid to be here.”

After some training and probably a lot of pain that none of these dudes will admit to, they head to the Grove, an outdoor mall in LA that looks like Disneyland’s Main Street. The dudes are split into two teams and the winning team gets to hang with Des at the after-party. The red team is Mikey, Michael, Brooks, Chris and Brandon. The blue team is Ben, Drew, Zack, Brad and Brian. Drew makes the winning kill in game one and I sense by his extreme excitement, this might be the first time any male-oriented physical competition has been a positive experience for him.

Tiebreaker game – Brooks breaks his finger and I bet this hurts like a mother fucker. I’m not quite sure why we need an ambulance, though? Or the oxygen through his nose? Then he says that he passed out while “resetting” the broken finger, which almost makes me vomit. I want to make fun of him for being such a pussy – it’s just a finger – but I bet it’s insanely painful. Of course I was in labor for about six seconds and had one contraction and begged for that goddamn epidural so I’m no spokesperson for high pain thresholds.

I don’t even know who wins, but Desiree says, “I’m taking all of you to the after-party! Weee!”

Highlights from the after-party:

• Brad confesses to his ownership of a three-year-old son. He also confesses to a prior domestic violence charge. Maaaaaybe he could have kept that part to himself, no? Also, there’s a drug-crazed baby mama involved, so that’s not SUPER appealing for Desiree, you know?
• Mortgage Chris wants to make an impression so he takes her to the roof of this building to which she is overly impressed. “Wow! A building! A roof, oh my god Chris, you’re kidding me! Wow!” He says, “Let’s sit here”, and points to a stoop. She replies, “OH my god, are you kidding me? Here?” And he says, “Uh yeah, it’s a stoop, so yeah.”
• Brooks is back and the Bachelor people play hero-like music as he steps out of the limo, still in his 80’s athletic gear.
• Chris’ rooftop move apparently does make an impression and Des gives him the rose, which is awarded by a special private concert from Kit Earl. I know that’s not her actual name, but again, I have no idea who this is so I like butchering the random bands’ names all season. Also, the concert is super awkward as there is just a random woman screaming in a microphone three feet from them as they make out.


Fake Girlfriend 

Des is sitting quietly at her rental house with a camera in her face, while she writes in her journal while wearing waaaaaay too much makeup. The phone rings and she walks over to the phone. “Hello?” “Hi, this is a Bachelor producer and I just wanted to tell you we fired your stylist and you need to get those god awful pink leggings off your legs stat. Nobody should wear those. Nobody. Ever.”

Smitty tells Desiree that Brian has a girlfriend and to meet him at the guys’ house and she’ll confront him. To which she replies, “OBVIOUSLY.”

She pulls Brian outside and asks him if he has anything to say to her. Is he hiding anything. Is he really ready to date. Blah blah blah. If Brian doesn’t see an ambush coming from a mile away, he needs a kick in the face. Girlfriend walks in (and Desiree makes the incorrect decision to hug her. Girlfriend doesn’t want to hug you, dumbass). Anyway, I don’t believe gal pal for a second. She is literally the worst actress of all time. Why would she say, “What about Donovan, MY SON” three times? He knows it’s your son.

In a nutshell, she says they are still together and humped the night before he left for the show. Also, she thought he was just in Los Angeles for a three-month business trip (Totally normal). Also, she threw rocks at his face once.

Despite the fact these two are destined for a few domestic violence charges, if these two actually DID make it to May 11th, what was Brian thinking would happen when the show aired? So yeah, I’m thinking this is all fake. Anyway, Brian heads home.

Brandon. Wow, let’s discuss Brandon. He is especially upset by the Brian mishap because he was like Donovan at one point – the poor son of a single mom who loved the men mom brought home because they were finally a dad for him. But he’d wake up one day and they were gone, so he’s been abandoned a lot and can sympathize with poor Donovan. He cries. I’m torn here. I mean, he’s cried a lot. He claims he’s in love with Desiree (on episode three) and he’s clearly a total pussy so my urge to make major, major fun of him is overwhelming. But he’s also seriously, seriously in need of major therapy. I mean he literally said, “I don’t want anyone to leave me anymore”. He needs to figure some of this heavy shit out before he captures dates a girl. He’s not in love with Desiree – he wants her to be the thing that will never leave him. If she DID pick him, he’d freak the fuck out if she went to get a pedicure (WHERE are you going? You’re coming back right? There are no guys there, right? You still love me? DID YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU STILL LOVE ME!!?”) So yeah, he needs to straighten some shit out.


Kasey Date 

Reminder – Kasey is the Advertising guy who insists on speaking in hashtags. OK he didn’t do that once this episode, but he did it multiple times on the first night and I can’t just block out all memory of such dorkiness. Anyway, this is, by far, the weirdest date in Bachelorette history. I blame a lot of this on Kasey’s total lack of sex appeal but I blame more of it on Desiree’s lack of ability to make light of situations, and just be fun in general. My overall feeling on this lady is that she’s probably nice, smart-ish, friendly and would make a nice wife. But she’s just not all the exciting and interesting. Her personality is fine, but just…blah.

Anyway, Desiree and Kasey go to a building in LA to hang from it and “dance.” It looks miserable for them and they give up quickly. They try to hang out on the rooftop but it’s too windy. They make the stupid decision to swim but it’s too cold. They try to kiss in the pool but the Bachelor people will only play funny Muppet-like music, so even that seems ridiculous.

Desiree says, “This date isn’t going how I wanted it to but it’s not Kasey’s fault.” That’s right – it’s your fault. Make some jokes, laugh about it, make the producers take you somewhere more fun. I don’t know – just do something. She gives him the rose saying, “I’ve had such a great day with you.” Huh?


Group Date Number Two 

Date two is for Dan (Dammit who the hell IS this?), James (Meatheady-type guy from Chicago, but actually seems sweet), Juan Pablo (hot-ish, but come on), Bryden (my current fav, war vet) and Zak W (shirtless welder? Oil driller? Something like that).

Ah, the cross-promotion date with the movie peeps of the Lone Ranger (coming soon to theaters near you). They participate in a fifteen minute cowboy boot camp to learn how to do such manly cowboy things as how to walk in tight pants, spin a rope over their head and how to throw a fake punch. Whoever can do such things the best wins a special screening of the Lone Ranger movie in a stinky barn on a comfortable wood bench for two hours. Fun!

The guys all do a little cowboy skit and Juan Pablo wins because he speaks Spanish, which somehow works for Desiree. Let’s be honest – she just wants to bang him. She knows damn well she’s not marrying Juan Pablo.

During the movie, he picks popcorn off her boob and she totally makes the first move to kiss him. See?

After-party highlights:

• How many times did she say, “I love this whole group of guys!” No you don’t. There’s Brandon? And the Prosecutor guy? Come on.
• Bryden is my favorite. Yes, even with that hair. He’s so sweet and I dig that ridiculous laugh, but somehow despite that, he’s still a man’s man. But not overly meat-head-ish. I love him. But I really wish he’d make the first goddamn move and kiss her.
• Zak tells Desiree that she has positive energy and gives great feedback. Huh? Like, “Thank you for this one-on-one time, Zak. I found your conversation to be light and easy with a touch of maturity and not too many awkward pauses. Well done.”
• Big James tells Desiree he wants to make sure she’s into him so he’s not wasting his time. But he does it with a little more tact than that. She gives him the rose. I like him! Too overly muscled for my tastes, but he’s so nice. I can’t quite see them married, but I dig him.
• Desiree says, “To me, the rose symbolizes more time.” Almost simultaneously, James says, “To me, the rose symbolizes our feelings are the same.” Mmmm, I sense trouble.


Pool Party 

Desiree decides to have a pool party instead of a cocktail party, which sounds fun, sure. They attempt to break the record for the most meatheads that have ever fit into one hot tub. Ben and his ridiculous fucking tank top steal her away on a drive first, and he asks her to keep it a secret. Seriously, I can’t get over the tank top. Is it fucking Michael Stars? James Perse? Not for a DUDE. Take it off.

"Shhh, don't tell anyone how gay I am in this tank top."


Anyway, the guys are oddly furious with Ben for this. I get it’s a little annoying, but they really hate him for it. Personally, I hate him much more for that tank top. Michael, Federal Prosecutor guy, says, “I just hate being lied to, I can’t unscramble that egg.” Say what? I don’t understand this statement so I try it out on my husband. He walks into the kitchen for some water, during the show: “Babe, can you unscramble my egg?” He stops… “What the fuck? Is that sexual? Then yes!” Perhaps I used it incorrectly.

Brandon pulls Desiree aside and tells her he’s falling in love with her, he’d never take her for granted and that she consumes his mind. So yeah, that wouldn’t scare off anyone.


Rose Ceremony 

Please don’t say she designed that dress.

James, Kasey and Chris already have roses, and Brian has already gone home. The remaining roses go to:

-Bryden – My current favorite. The war vet. Hot, yet sweet. Definitely man-on-top-of-me-naked material. Yum yum.
-Juan Pablo – Soccer player who Desiree has zero intention of marrying but she will certainly try to rub his penis a couple times before she gets engaged.
-Zak W – I’m so confused. He’s the shirtless oil driller, but now he seems all scared and pussy-ish. He’s kind of funny, kind of cute, sweet maybe…but is he about to rip off his shirt and oil his abs? I don’t know who this guy is.
-Brooks – Busted finger girl hair. Cute and likable. I see him going a long way. And yes, readers, I hear you: He might be a little gay.
-Drew - Too nerdy for me, but seems like a nice guy. Can’t imagine him naked on top of me. It would be very slow and fancy. No thanks.
-Zack K - I mean….he needs some airtime. Who? Book publisher what?
-Brad - Dad to three year old and sometimes violent towards drunk girls. But not proven.
-Michael – Federal Prosecutor who dislikes scrambled eggs.
-Mikey – Mob Plumber. Really nice guy, but I can’t see her taking him home - know what I mean? Sweet guy though. And fun. I bet he sweats a lot during lovemaking.
-Ben – Single Dad, seems really yucky now that I’ve seen him in that tank top. Guys hate him. He seems a little sleazy, but I’m not sure. I just will never get that tank top out of my head.

Therefore, she sends Brandon and Dan home. Dan is bummed and pissed that Ben got a rose over him, but I don’t sense Dan will be losing much sleep over this whole thing. Brandon on the other hand needs to be on a suicide watch. It’s actually quite scary – he’s so upset. This poor guy could be a good husband one day but he needs to figure shit out. I honestly think the producers probably warned Desiree about him. If she kept him a few more weeks he would have seriously, seriously lost his mind when she dumped him. (Dammit! Could’ve been fun.)

Desiree tells him that he’s a great guy, just not for her, and he says something like, “How do you know? We’ve barely talked.” Sooooo you’ve barely talked but you know you’re in love with her? He cries a lot and tells the Bachelor camera, “Once again, someone left me.” Uh oh.

Next week Desiree looks for “a love that can light the darkness”. Say what? I love my husband but that love has never been able to shine light in the shitter at night when I can’t see where the goddamn toilet is. See you next week.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap - What the hell does "for the right reason" mean anyway?

I’m not here to make friends, I’m here for the right reasons, I am totally ready to find love, family is everything to me, there’s one guy in the house who is different around you than he is around us, I can’t wait to have kids, this is a fairy tale, I’m ready to take a risk, I’m the luckiest girl in the world, I never thought I’d feel so strongly so soon. Fuck all of you, all fifty-nine seasons of you – it’s all the same. GRRR!

Wow, it’s kind of early in the season to be this ornery, no? Sorry about that. But really, it’s all the damn same. They even did the same goddamn bridge date as last season (or the season before?)

Let’s dive in (that’s what he said). The guys and all their tight v-necks move into the mansion and Smitty walks in wearing his Chinese pajamas to explain how the dates will work even though you’d have to be a complete moron not to know this information by now. (Blog Newcomers: I call Chris Harrison “Smitty”. Not sure why. Some friends coined the term and it just seems to work).

Side note: What a bunch of meatheads. Wow.


Brooks Date 

Brooks (Marketing Consultant from Salt Lake City with cool hair, flat teeth) gets the first date and he’s “giving arm pumps” he’s so excited. His words, not mine. Oh lord, dork alert.

They head to a bridal salon because Desiree thinks it’s important for Brooks to know she’s passionate about designing wedding dresses. Mmmmmmkay. So they try on dresses and tuxedos (Every guys’ dream first date). Aaaand this date has nothing to do with designing.

Then they buy cake from a cake truck, get mauled by crazy fans and then hang out by the Hollywood sign (ok that part is cool). Also, I kind of hate Los Angeles for allowing Bachelor cameras and these two nimrods to sit on the sign as a way of celebrating the sign’s 90th anniversary. How about a party? Maybe restore the sign? Maybe light it up? Fireworks?

I would not be this excited if I saw Desiree.


Warning, warning: I spot a Man Ring. Gross. A man wearing any jewelry is a turn-off to me, with the exception of a wedding ring.

They chat a lot, mostly about risk taking, and I have to say that he’s growing on me. He seems pretty normal and sweet, albeit a tad dorky. I’m torn on the “lying on top of me naked” thing. But he’s cute, not psycho, still has flat teeth, but really sweet and seems to listen to her, which I dig. They kiss on the sign and there’s a crescendo of music and I’m almost under my couch. (Blog Newcomers: When things get awkward and I get embarrassed, I hide under my couch).

They drive to a shitty part of town where Desiree decides to break through a “road closed” barrier. Brooks is stupid enough not to realize that’s part of the plan, which annoys me. They end up on the same bridge as last season. The d-bag producers of this show decided to shut down this bridge so they can film a date on it. I’m sure the ghetto is pissed.

She asks him about his parent’s divorce and for a second I think he’s going to cry. Please don’t. In a nutshell, his Dad sucks the big one, so Brooks is excited to have kids so he can actually hang out with them. We end this marathon date with a private concert by Andy Gruyere, like the cheese. OK I have no idea what his correct name is, nor do I care, but I like pretending there’s a rock star named after a cheese. Brooks claims that today has been the most magical day he’s ever experienced. Aaaand any man who uses the word “magical” can never lie on top of me naked.

Also, I think Brooks has bad breath. Just a hunch.


Group Date 

The group date is for Dan (beverage sales guy who looks like Jeff Probst), Juan Pablo (cute soccer player), Kasey (advertising guy who speaks in hashtags), Zack K (some book publisher with zero air time still. Apparently, not that interesting), Will (the black, yoga-loving banker), Brian (talkative financial advisor), Drew (digital marketing analyst, who?), James (meathead-looking), Mikey (mob), Zak W (shirtless), Nick (investment advisor who writes poems, yuck), Michael (federal prosecutor, small anger management issue), Brandon (painter, adrenaline junkie who is also desperately in need of a therapist) and Ben (the single dad that everyone hates).

Desiree meets them at a winery in Malibu where they’re told they have to shoot a rap video with Soulja Boy. It’s like the producers were just TRYING to find the very best way to make these guys look like complete douchebags, and ruin the career of a b-list rapper, simultaneously.

The song is called “For the right reasons” and I just about spent the next thirty minutes under my couch. Wow. The rapping is bad, but the dancing? Horrific. If I were Desiree, I would have closed my eyes, because seeing them do that would have immediately eliminated them from my list of “Dudes I would allow to lie on me naked”. Brandon is the worst. He’s practically naked but watching him rap to Desiree on that white furry couch is painful. Finally, they get to the after-party.

Highlights:

• Zak tries to show Desiree he’s more than just the shirtless douchebag he advertised on night one by giving her a used journal. (?)
• Brandon is cray cray. Plain and simple. He tells us that love is like a butterfly: If you hold it too tight it will die. He then tacks on, “Also, if you tie it up to a pole in your basement and tell it that you love it over and over, it mostly just cries and doesn’t reciprocate love. Umm, that’s just a metaphor though.”
• Ben’s kissing sounds are nauseating.
• Michael promises Desiree that he’ll always have her back. I appreciate the whole protector thing, but he barely knows this bitch. How does he know she’s worth protecting?
• Mikey is oddly pissed at Ben for interrupting his conversation with Desiree. Dude, this is how it works. Everyone interrupts everyone else. Deal with it.
• Meanwhile…back at the house four guys wait anxiously to see who will get the second one-on-one date. Also, I’ve never seen any of these guys before.
• Back to psycho Brandon – he tells Desiree about his family. His dad ran away, his mom was a drug addict and he basically raised his siblings. It’s really sad and I feel for the guy. I’m no therapist, but isn’t it clear the dude is desperate for love and a real family? Maybe he needs a nice psychologist to talk to and THEN try to date.
• Brandon tells Desiree he wants to come home to her and love her and be grateful she’s in his life. I mean….whoa. Not okay, dude. What makes him think it’s ok to say this on date one?
• She gives Ben the rose, who is seems slimy right now. Maybe it’s those slurpy kisses.


Bryden Date 

Bryden (the War Vet from Montana) gets the second one-on-one date and he heads out on a road trip with Desiree. They head to a beach and run through an orange grove (again, every guy’s dream date). I have officially decided I love his weird laugh and I definitely would like Bryden on top of me naked.

They end the road trip at Ojai Valley Inn and Spa. At dinner, Desiree says it’s the best road trip she’s ever been on. Really? You mean you enjoy a road trip with a hot guy in a Bentley, more than with your family across the entire fucking country in a beat up 1970 Volkswagen Van? Weird!

Bryden tells her about his gnarly car accident a few years ago, which he remembers vividly due to the fact he carries graphic photos of it around in his pocket. They then head to the hot tub and the TINIEST part of me is jealous of Desiree and all that Bryden tongue she gets to suck on. He’s yummy, no?


Cocktail Party 

Highlights of the cocktail party and Desiree in her green, sparkly mermaid dress:

• I mean, come on ladies, is there a bigger turn-on than “I have type one diabetes?”
• Ben interrupts Diabetes Michael to get a chance to chat with Desiree. The guys are pissed and take Ben out back and beat the shit out of him. OK not really. They yell at him like a bunch of chicks and I hate them all. What a bunch of sissy girls.
• Brian, the financial analyst, likes to talk more than he likes to listen. And he talks fast. And loud. And intensely. I bet if you had sex with him, he’d order you around a lot. “Touch this! Move a little right! Grab that! Flip over! Move!”


Rose Ceremony 

Brooks, Ben and Bryden already have roses from the dates this week. She gives the remaining 49 roses to: (Ok only 13 but feels like 49)

James – Advertising meathead
Kasey – Hashtag meathead
Dan – Beverage sales meathead
Juan Pablo – Soccer player meathead. But hot.
Brad – Accountant. Meathead? No idea.
Chris – Mortgage Broker. Not clear on meathead status since I don’t know who the fuck this is.
Brian – Loud Talker Finance guy.
Zak W – Shirtless, giver of used crap
Drew – I have no idea, but I’m assuming he’s a meathead of some kind.
Mikey – Mob plumber. Definite meathead.
Zack K – Book publisher. I truly have no idea who this is.
Michael – Federal prosecutor, protective, hates Ben.
Brandon – Butterfly killer.

Therefore, she sends the following guys home:
• Will – Yoga high-fiver.
• Robert – Sign spinner is so sad that he’s going home, that he calls it “An absolute nightmare”. Right up there with bankruptcy and being murdered. Sure, it’s a “nightmare”, Mr. Dramatic.
• Nick M – Investment Advisor, who?

That’s it folks. Next week is the old “Someone has a girlfriend back home” episode. I mean, for real, haven’t we been here before?