Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap – I cried harder than Desiree. Get a grip, Jen.

I cried like a little bitch. I cried like a big bitch actually. Like a fucking baby, good lord.

Let’s dive in - Smitty says, “The television event of the summer starts now.” Well, THAT’s bold. And not correct. He should have said, “The television event that will make you cry like a fucking little bitch and then hate yourself for it…starts NOW!”

They’re in Antigua, which is gorgeous, but Desiree needs to hold on to that damn boat. At least she has her calves to weigh her down. WHOA, that was mean.

Side note: It’s pronounced “An-tee-ga”? I thought it was “An-tee-gwa?” I’m right, right? I can’t be dumber than Desiree, can I? Don’t answer that.

After an unnecessary recap of the entire season and the three remaining guys, we finally get to gay Drew’s date.

Drew’s Date 

Desiree says Drew is amazing, passionate and expressive. So yeah, gay.

I know I’m harping on the gay thing, but COME ON. Did he have gay for breakfast? He was oozing gay on this date. They drive around in a Jeep and stumble upon a party that I’m sure they had NO IDEA was going on and the party peeps didn’t expect them AT ALL. They dance around and Drew says he really thinks this is what it would feel like if they were married. I’ve been married seven years and I’ve never done the limbo with my husband. In Antigua. With a gay man.

Seriously? THIS is the best backdrop you could find?

Their dinner is rained out. I think Des angered the rain gods with those hideous pants, so they head right to the fantasy suite. She gives him the card and he spouts off some gay talk – “I’m ecstatic, I want to wake up with her in my arms”, etc. Yuckers. As always, Chris Harrison signed the card and adds the same PS that he always does: PS – As I do every season, I will be under the bed masturbating. Actually, I don’t want to see this one. Forget it.

Before they have gay dry humps, Desiree tells Drew how important it is for her to have a man who communicates well. Be careful what you ask for, lady. You’ve got an overly-emotional, girl-talker on your hands.

They turn off the lights and Drew moans once, just to convince us he’s actually able to get a boner with a woman. I don’t buy it.

Brooks in Idaho 

Why are they in Idaho? Isn’t his massive Mormon family in Utah? Anyhoo, Brooks goes to his mom and sister to get advice. I’m not sure why. There isn’t some huge mystery going on here.

He says when people ask if he loves Desiree, he can’t answer that and doesn’t know why. He also says the thought of proposing to her makes him uncomfortable. No really, why is this a fucking mystery? YOU DON’T LOVE HER. This ain’t rocket science, people.

He basically tells them he’s not all that hot on Desiree and they say to him that he’ll have to dump her. They said it with a lot more tact, and it took twenty minutes longer than I just did, but you get the drift.

Chris Date 

What the hell is she wearing? Pants, a bikini top and some beaded/shredded shirt? Did she buy that from the leaf sewer at the Shirley’s peak party?

They take a helicopter ride, but before they get on, Chris tells us he’s afraid of heights but he’ll be fine as long as Desiree is with him. Uh, yeah, that pussiness is super attractive. It ranks right up there with nose adjustment.

You don’t have to duck when you get out of a helicopter, dork.

They stop on an island, have a picnic and the producers make them write shit in the sand. They roll around on the sand and make out, and Chris says he’s having feelings of love. Desiree says she feels as if she’s been dating Chris for a long time, which is the kiss of death.

At dinner, she manages to ask Chris about the future, despite the noise from the random Antiguan squeaking crickets. He manages to spit out the fact he wants to stay in Seattle. She says she’d move there, although I sense she wants no part of Seattle. She only agrees to it because she thinks she’s marrying Brooks.

Chris says that Desiree makes him feel “vibrant”. Fuck, are they all gay?

She gives him the fantasy suite card and he says he’d like to use it so they can watch the stars together all night. Yup, gay.

And if that’s not the gay nail in the coffin, this is: He says his favorite way to express himself to Desiree is through poetry. For the love…

Brooks and Smits 

Brooks says to the Bachelor camera that everything in his head tells him this is right, but his heart doesn’t feel the same way. He says that he can’t pinpoint why he doesn’t feel crazy in love with her. Smitty comes to talk to him and he is NOT happy with Brooks. He takes an hour to tell Chris he’s not in love with her. He says everything has been great and fun, but he can’t say she’s the love of his life. Seems pretty easy-to-understand to me. Not to Smitty…

Smitty isn’t pleased and asks him to clarify – “Are you telling me you’re not sure or that you aren’t in love with this woman?” He says, “Hmmm, I don’t know.” Brooks…I’m on your side here, but you’re not making this easy on me. JUST SAY YOU DON’T LOVE HER. Geesh.

He finally spits it out – “I don’t think Des is the love of my life.” To which Smitty annoyingly says, “What does it feel like when you’re in love?” He says, “Are you even READY to fall in love?” Geesh, Smitty. He’s usually the voice of reason, but he’s bugging me here. Here’s my take on this:

Brooks doesn’t love her, plain and simple. He likes her a lot, they have fun together and she has all the qualities he’s looking for…but guess what? HE DOESN’T LOVE HER. He’s not an asshole, he’s not trying to be a dickhead – he just doesn’t love her and thinks he should probably get out now because he doesn’t want to marry her. America is going to hate Brooks for this, but I think he’s more of a man for admitting it.

Does he have commitment issues? Maybe. Does he have unrealistic expectations of how he’s supposed to feel? Maybe. But he adamantly claims he’s ready for marriage – Des just isn’t the one. So anyway, all of that is between him and a therapist. For now, he’s doing the best thing he can – leave before it gets any later. He doesn’t want to hurt her, and he cares about her. Brooks won points in my book this episode, actually.

Smitty says, “I know you don’t want to hurt her, but as a man it’s the conversation you have to have.” Well, YES, he knows that, dude. That’s why he’s THERE. Can you give him a break please?

Brooks Date…I mean, Brooks dumping 

He hugs Desiree and already looks sad – she asks him what’s wrong and he takes her to a bench to talk. She’s already crying, as she knows what’s coming. Me? I’m holding it together for now.

He tells her that she’s wonderful and he is so happy around her, but when they’re apart he kind of forgets about her. He says the moments they’re away from each other aren’t hard enough. So yeah, maybe THAT’S not the best thing to say. This pisses me off since it’s so stupid. Yeah, you should miss your significant other when they’re gone, but maybe he’s just a happy guy, enjoys his friends and his life and isn’t the type to sit at home like a total pussy crying about missing her. This is the annoying sister putting unrealistic shit in his head.

He ends up saying that he WANTS to be madly in love with her, but he’s just not. She tells him she IS in love with him and keeps crying. He looks more distraught than she does. I guess that’s sweet but really dude, hold it together.

There’s a lot of talk about him breaking her heart and she just cries against his chest. This shit is sad, people. I’m crying and desperately trying to hide my tears from my husband.

Two commercials later and we’re still on the damn bench. And nothing new is really being said. She’s just super sad and he feels super guilty. They finally walk to leave and Brooks asks her what she’s going to do now, with Chris and Drew. She says she was only conflicted because she didn’t want to share her heart – she only wanted to give it to him. He responds with, “Sorry, I’ll shut up, not helping.” Aweeeeesome.

They FINALLY split up and she heads to the dock to cry and cry and cry. He’s now bawling in the trees too, saying it’s the worst day of his life, and he hated hurting her. Awww, I like him.

Desiree tells the camera that Chris and Drew love her, but she can’t love them as much and that’s not what they deserve. “Honestly, for me, it’s over.”

DRAMA, PEOPLE….DRAMA! For real, what’s going to happen? Don’t tell me if you know. She can’t get engaged to Drew or Chris now, can she? I remember seeing footage of them crying in a limo – both of them. So I bet she tells them both goodbye and that she needs time to figure it all out. Later, in the studio audience, she’ll say she went home, got over Brooks and got engaged to Chris. (It CANNOT be Drew, right?) Then she’ll say she watched the nose adjustment a few weeks ago and dumped him.

Shit, I don’t know. See you next week, for SURE. I’m sucked in, I admit it.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap – “The Men Tell All”, I mean “The Juan Pablo Episode”

Seriously, seriously fucking boring. The only savior was the serious focus on Juan Pablo. I guess he’s the next Bachelor – why else would they do a “get to know Juan Pablo” segment if we were never going to see him again? Especially one that made him look as sweet and amazing as that? Remind me again why Desiree let him go? It’s MIND boggling that one would choose Michael over him. Or Drew. Or Chris.

We start this very long two hours with Desiree and Smitty crashing some viewing parties. I’m 99% sure these people know they’re coming. Why else would there be 250 people in each house, FULLY dressed up and in full makeup? With roses on the table and a complete buffet? If I sent out an email to my friends asking them to come over for a viewing party, I’d probably get four takers, and that’s only if I offered them dinner and free drinks. If I said Smitty was coming with ABC cameras, I’d get 150 people too.

I do appreciate there is a lot of alcohol at these parties, though. Anyway, Desiree and Smitty crash one party and the friggin Mesnicks show up? As in Jason and Molly? And a baby? Where the hell is Thai? Then out of the blue, Trista pops her head around the corner. What the fuck is she doing there? Shouldn’t she be at an AARP meeting? Kiiiiiiding. I love that she’s only three years older than me but I feel like she’s fifteen years older.

There’s a party bus? Who rented that? Is the Mesnicks baby on there?

I hate hate hate that Desiree was forced to sit with Ali, Emily and Ashley to discuss how she should act on the Men Tell All special. Emily is hot as usual, but snoozy. Ashley doesn’t say a WORD. And Ali is very opinionated on the whole “bad boy” topic. She’s also a touch heavy on the blush.

The Men 

Smitty introduces the men and Juan Pablo gets the biggest cheers. Duh. I’ll just get this out of the way: I really, really, really want him naked on top of me. I think it would be great fun.

You're welcome

James is HEAVY on the self-tanner. My God.

There is a recap of the drama with the guys, and I love that Drew talks about James and says, “He won’t be America’s next bachelor but he will be America’s next big giant asshole.” I mean….that’s awesome. Where’s THAT Drew with Desiree? The Desiree-Drew is a face caresser and has hard hair. I like that guy better.

We briefly let Jonathan apologize – the guy who kept trying to take Desiree up to the fantasy suite on the first night. He says he’s sorry to the people who had to view that. Why are you apologizing to me? I liked it. Who doesn’t like watching someone crash and burn so royally on night one? Amazing! We should be thanking you.

Ben in the Hot Seat 

I can’t even write about this, I’m so over it. He’s skeevy, kind of a douche bag and Desiree says it best – he’s insincere and you can’t tell who the fuck he really is. End of story. Except they play a recap of his drama in the house and I’m reminded of two AWFUL things: One—that girly tank top. Two – he’s a chin grabber when he kisses you. Get your goddamn hands off my face.

I like when Ben left that he asks, “When can I be seen in public again?” Umm, does he mean, when can I be seen in public with a girl? Because I’m pretty sure you can go out in public ASAP. It’s not like we are all wondering if Desiree killed you.

Here are the next twenty minutes: Your baby mama hates you, you suck as a father, Michael still thinks you’re guilty of fraud, everyone in the audience is overly horrified and I’ve decided to almost stop listening completely and eat ice cream.

Let’s take a second to make Juan Pablo look even better: Zak says Juan Pablo brought up his daughter in every conversation. We get it, already. He’s PERFECT.

It’s also funny that for every single commercial break, Smitty advertises the fact that there are bloopers later. Everyone loves those, so it’s almost as if Smitty knows it’s the only thing holding us onto this show. Side note: Why the hell didn’t we talk to Bryden? Me love Bryden.

James in the Hot Seat (why is it hot?) 

Could he be any wider? He looks like such a meathead. I actually find him remotely attractive, except for his body.

This shit with James is ridiculous. It goes on WAY too long. WAY WAY. Here’s the recap: All the guys hate him, especially Kasey. James claims he didn’t do anything wrong by saying he’ll have a good chance at being the next Bachelor if he makes it to the final four. We finally get to talk to Mikey who actually has the best excuse for this shit. He says that the two guys were just chatting, and they said if it doesn’t work out for either of them with Desiree, they’re both in Chicago and they should hang out. And party. In boats. With successful women. Life goes on.

Mikey somehow gets pissed at Kasey and says, “I’m a player on Us Weekly all of a sudden because of you.” Umm, no you’re not. That shit is my bible and I’m pretty sure you’ve never even been mentioned. So sit down, mob plumber.

Juan Pablo sums it up nicely by saying he wouldn’t let his daughter date James. Umm, she’s four so I certainly hope not.

Smitty asks him if he’d agree to be the next Bachelor and he says he’d have to talk to family about it, but he’d like to find love. Can someone tell him there is NO WAY he’d ever be picked for that so he doesn’t need to sell himself as sincere anymore? I mean, is he not paying attention to Juan Pablo?

Juan Pablo 

Speaking of Juan Pablo, we get to see a recap of his very-little airtime. They certainly included crap we hadn’t seen before, including the fact he told Desiree he had a little girl on the first night. Desiree says, in a horrible Spaniard accent: “Come to me, Juan Pablo.” SO WHY DID YOU LET HIM GO. Dumbass.

Smitty sets him up perfectly to be the next Bachelor by saying, “What are you looking for?” and “Do you date a lot?” To which Juan Pab answers perfectly. I think all this attention on him is a test for the producers to see if he sounds normal when he talks and can pull this off. If so, he’ll certainly be next Bach.

Juan P says he just wants to find someone special, have a family, wake up with them, enjoy many years together, watch movies, etc. He can watch movies with me anytime. In my pants. What?

Zak in the Hot Seat 

I don’t remember anything from his time in the hot seat – my only memories of Zak from last night are from that goddamn song. More on that later. I do recall Zak writing something in invisible ink for Desiree but I don’t care. The audience seems to care though. They all look like this:

Zak says he’s still in love with Desiree and it won’t go away. Ummm, I hope it does ONE day, no?

Desiree Here, Finally 

Desiree comes out, one hour and 33 minutes into the show. So she’s clearly not the draw here. Highlights of Desiree’s time in the hot seat:

• Jonathan regrets being a douche bag. I don’t care.
• Brian isn’t there. I don’t care.
• Desiree says she couldn’t gauge emotion in Ben’s eyes and that he seemed insincere. Isn’t that a characteristic of a sociopath?
• Juan Pablo asks her why he didn’t get a one-on-one date. He says, “It would’ve been great.” I hope she’s kicking herself. I want to kick her.
• Zak wrote a song. Ohhhhh noooooooo. Must. Get. Under. Sofa. Now.
• I don’t understand most of the song. I heard, “Dig a hole for your eyes” somewhere in there. What?
• The audience is crushed:

Bloopers and Previews 

Bloopers are pretty stupid except for the lights falling around Desiree and Bryden. I was seriously laughing out loud. They kept fucking crashing to the ground because the strings holding them were burning. I mean, that’s amazing. Idiot production assistants. Let’s hang the candles from dry trees with string! Brilliant!

Previews….so apparently there is a two-part finale starting next week. That means next Monday and the one after will each be two hours filled with crying and drama. My guess is that Brooks leaves her and she isn’t sure she wants to continue on the show. The producers tell Chris and Drew that, which explains why they’re so pissy too. The cliffhanger next week will be – will Desiree come back to choose either Chris or Drew or will she just abandon the whole show? Of course, the finale will be Desiree coming back to choose Drew or Chris. And of those two, I don’t know or care which one she does. I’m not super hot on either. Of course, I know nothing of this for real, since I don’t do spoilers, but it’s my hunch. A reader commented last week that my prediction is what it looks like will happen, so maybe it’ll be something totally different to psyche us out? I hope so! Drew admits he’s gay? See you then!

OMG What's going to happen?

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap - The "What the Fuck" episode

I mean….whaaaat? I mean….where do I start? I feel like a kid walking into Chuck E Cheese – there’s just too much to do. I have no clue where to start. I’ll never be able to give this shit show the justice it’s due.

Dallas for Zak’s Date 

When Zak warns Desiree about his family, I know we’re in for a ride here. I have high hopes. They don’t disappoint.

But first we take the family snow cone truck out for a ride. I mean….come on, Zak. Maybe we hide the embarrassing family business until we’re sure Desiree is super in love. Desiree is a good sport and says, “A future with Zak would be new every single day. I would never know what I’m going to get.” How in God’s name does that sound fun? Desiree wakes up to go to work and Zak is dressed in a circus trapeze outfit? The next day he coordinates a flash mob? Sounds manic and scary. Get a job, come home, take your ipad shit, make money, be an adult. Holy shit, that does sound boring.

They head to a school to feed a bunch of little assholes some snowcones, which MIGHT be my least favorite date of all time. Right next to the “culture” date when they’re in a foreign country. If the snow cone bus wasn’t the nail in Zak’s coffin, the penguin costume certainly was. That’s a move that a chick would find endearing when her husband does it…maybe. But it’s a major turnoff while you’re dating. Make sense?

They head into Zak’s parents house and the “energy was amazing!”, which is another way of saying, “these people are fucking crazy. They’re sweet but this shit would be exhausting after one Thanksgiving.”

Other than this exhausting energy, I find these people to be awesome. First of all, they’re all easy to look at. Sister is especially hot and I’m oddly attracted to his father. Mom could use a new hairstyle, but that’s forgivable. I love that they think Zak is a total douche bag for coming in shirtless and saying, “Will you accept these abs?” which I had actually forgotten about.

The rest of the date goes downhill. I already assume Desiree is going to dump Zak so when Mom starts gushing about how awesome they are and how amazing they are together, I begin to feel bad. Yes, even I have a heart, people. This shit is sad – sister says she’s never seen Zak so happy and she hopes he doesn’t get hurt. Oh noooooo.

But then I’m distracted by the song. It’s sweet, but I can’t help but feel these three want to be singers and are using this exposure to get a record deal. No that can’t be true – they’re really not good. Their voices are…not great. I can’t sing for shit, so I’m not super qualified to judge, but I know enough to know they sound a little off-key and….well, shitty.

Before she escapes, Zak gives her a friggin ring he bought her in Atlantic City and then tells her that he loves her. The ring is a little over-kill, but the “I love you” was cute. I admit.

Scottsdale for Drew’s Date 

This is a fucking disaster of a date. First of all, they pick up the mentally handicapped sister. This shit is shameless. Do we need to do that to her? Admittedly, I don’t have experience with mentally handicapped people, but throwing them on a reality show feels mean...and just wrong. It’s really heart wrenching to watch her with Drew.

What car is that? Please say it’s a rental.

They head to his mom’s house, where Desiree is told she will be meeting his Mom, Dad, sister, another sister, brother, brother in law, two babies, a new husband, an uncle, a cousin, a priest, a circus performer and a dead hooker. I mean, really, do ALL these people need to be there? (Wait until Brooks’ Mormon date. Wow.)

Drew’s dad asks Desiree if she’s ever met an angel. She says no. He says that sister Melissa is an angel. To which Desiree replies, “Ummm, yes I meant to say that yes, I’ve met an angel and it was your daughter. Of course.” Way to set her up to get the answer wrong. Dick.

Dad talks to Drew and it’s super cute, too. He says, “If you want to marry this girl, go for it, pal. Bring this girl back into the family, will ya?” And then adds, “I sense you might have to do it by force, but hey, po-tay-to, po-tat-o.”

Drew’s I love you, by the garage, is cringe-worthy. It’s SO cheesy. Also, he’s super gay.

Somewhere in Oregon for Chris’ Date 

Chris dons his Oregon plaid for his hometown date, which is how I dressed for a good portion of my collegiate career as well. Go Ducks!

Anyway, he takes her to a baseball field and makes her run bases and hit balls, just so HE can show her that he’s athletic and shit. Lame. She sits next to him on a box while tossing him balls to hit, and she is sitting WAY too close. I mean, what if he clocks her in the face with a bat? Good lord.

Meeting his family is…interesting. Desiree tells them how she fell off a rock when she was on a date with Chris. WHY DIDN’T WE SEE THAT?!? Anyway, Chris’ inappropriate father decides that it’s a good time to fix her back, by laying his son’s girlfriend ass up on a table and feeling her up. And breaking her a little. It’s just all not OK. Does he not see this?

When Chris’ dad talks to Chris, it’s even weirder. He asks Chris if she takes care of herself, healthwise. What the fuck? Sure, I get health is important, but shouldn’t you be more focused on how these two feel about each other? What a freaky dude. Seriously, I have oogly feelings about him.

And now…the piece de resistance. The nose adjustment. This is one of the most fucked up things I’ve ever seen. I literally screamed. That looks terrifying. And completely disgusting. What freaks me out the most is the fact that Chris thinks it’s acceptable for him to do that on TV. If I were Des, I’d be running back to Zak’s family.

Mom talks to Desiree and then Chris, and she doesn’t seem super stoked on this entire situation. She doesn’t really smile at all and doesn’t look too pleased, but I think she’s just one of those women who looks kind of sad or pissy all the time. Eventually, she sort of gives Chris her blessing, but it’s all still weird. This is all giving me the creeps. All of a sudden, the snow cone truck looks more acceptable.

Salt Lake City for Brooks Date 

Salt Lake City? Is he Mormon? Well yes, this fact becomes clear in about ten minutes.

Before he takes her home, they have a picnic and then canoe around a lake. Brooks still sounds like he’s unsure of how he feels about her and tells her he wishes they had more time to explore their relationship. He’s sooooo gonna dump her.

He says to the camera, “Desiree and I are on the same page of how we feel about each other.” Ummm, no you’re not. She worships the ground you walk on and you’re about to dump her ass. Not the same page. No.

Brooks’ family is ginormous. So yes, they’re Mormon. At the dinner table, I think I count 15 people, which is just his mom, dad, siblings and their husbands. I mean, whoa. That’s a lot of activity. They seem funny though, which I dig, and I appreciate they’re smart enough to wear nametags.

There is a lot of chatter about how he feels – can she hang with him, can he make her happy, blah blah blah. This is exhausting. Then he sits down with…his sister? I think? He asks her how he would know if she’s the one (more or less). She says, “You always want to be with that person, and you can’t think of anyone else who makes you laugh that hard.” What a bitch. Way to set him up for failure. Those are ridiculous, unattainable qualities. I am in love with my husband…but I do NOT want to be with him all the time. Are you kidding me? And I have a few hilarious friends that make me laugh just as hard as my husband. I didn’t marry him for knock-knock joke ability. For fucks’ sake. It’s more realistic to say, “You should love her a whole lot, want to protect her and really enjoy your time together.” Better, right?

Brooks asks his sweet Mom for advice and she’s normal, saying they’ll all love whomever he brings into the family. I dig that – much more normal. As she’s leaving, one of the brothers yells out, “Thanks for not being a huge waste of time.” So where can I get his number?

Back in LA 

Her asshole brother comes to see her and they have an awkward discussion about the guys. It’s clear he doesn’t give a shit about learning about these guys. And again, I’m so annoyed with Desiree for not giving it to him. She needs to say, “Look, you were an asshole to Sean and completely out of line. Unless you promise not to be a fucking dickwad, I will not introduce you to these guys. Got it?” But instead she sort of waffles around him, describes the guys and he then tells her that he doesn’t have any problems with this situation. Oh gee THANKS dickhead. Side note – can you imagine him with Drew? He’d eat him ALIVE.

Rose Ceremony 

Desiree chats with Smitty and again tells him she’s in love with Brooks, and that she’s hopeful for a proposal. From him. It can’t be any clearer that he dumps her.

She gives the three roses to Brooks, Chris and Drew. Therefore, poor Zak is sent home and it’s friggin SAD. She walks him out and tries to explain to him why she dumped him. It went something like this: “You’re so loving and great. I don’t want you to lose that. I had to weight people. I’m not going to be exactly where you are. You deserve it. You know that ring. Beautiful, snurrgle, blahhhhhh, harrump. Zing poop.” I seriously couldn’t understand 10% of what she said.

In the limo, he’s super sad, saying he’s spent way too many years alone. This shit is heartbreaking. Next Bachelor perhaps?

Oddly, next week is the Men Tell All – doesn’t that usually happen when there are only two guys left? Hmmm. See you next week, peeps.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap - Madeira is filled with pussies (cats, I mean)

We are down to FIVE people. FIVE! That’s so exciting. And by “exciting”, I mean, thank god this boring shit is almost over.

They head to Madeira Island, which is apparently SO difficult to find, the Bachelor people make a map for us, complete with a wee little plane to show where they are going. Do they think we’re a bunch of idiots? Also, I had no idea where it was. So thank you, Bachelor people.

So THAT'S where it is...

Lindsey (I think that was her name), Jackie and Catherine all get a free trip to Madeira to have a six-minute conversation with Desiree about the remaining guys. These chicks were friends last season, which is just weird because Sean is engaged to Catherine now and Desiree was heartbroken over him. Actually, that’s not too weird in this fucked up incestuous Bachelor franchise. They chat about which one is the best kisser (Juan Pablo…oh he’s not there anymore), who is most athletic (none of them), and who has the biggest penis (Juan Pablo).

Oh by the way, when asked about Sean, Catherine says, “Well, he wanted a best friend and I wanted a best friend and that’s what we are to each other.” That is code for, “This fucking overly-religious meathead won’t hump me until we’re married and I’m dying here. DYING, I tell you! Which one of those five do you like least, Desiree? I’m going for it.”

Desiree talks about what she wants in a guy, which is the dumbest question of all time. We all want the same shit, and NO I don’t want anyone who challenges me. How annoying. “Jen, are you sure you should eat that? Why don’t we go on a run today? How about if we take a Mandarin class? We should climb Everest.” Shut up. Let’s drink wine, take naps and watch the Bachelor for fucks’ sake.

Brooks Date 

Desiree takes Brooks in the smallest possible car to the farthest possible place on the island. Also, she is a shitty driver. They walk out onto some precipice and she needs to take the goddamn sassy shoes off – this is a place for comfy, safe climbing-type shoes. Geesh, damn bitches are so vein. Wear a pair of goddamn Nikes, for fucks sake.

That car is not going to make it.

They are “on the road” to falling in love, and Brooks is “in the clouds” trying to figure out how he feels. I really hate this show.

They sit and hang out on this rock in the clouds and it’s actually super cool…until the clouds get thicker and they can’t see each other at all and they get hit by lightening. Really, is that safe? Between those shoes, that car and those clouds, it’ll be a miracle if they make it out alive.

They seem pretty cute and happy, I guess, so I’m surprised to hear Brooks is hesitating as much as he is about her. More on that later.

They head to dinner later and she is wearing the shortest goddamn skirt of all time. How about dressing for the occasion? Oh BROOKS, what in gods’ name is that cardigan number all about? Wowzers. They chat and it goes like this:

Brooks: My family is close, my dad wasn’t around.
Desiree: huh?
B: We sacrificed you know? We’re not that close. It’s what I want. Bumble bumble blah blah gurgle.
D: I…..am a little lost. Do you have a cotton ball in your mouth? I can’t understand you.
B: Let’s talk about adjectives instead!
D: OK I have four adjectives about the love process. I am VERY smart. Here I go. There’s stepping, skipping, running and the finish line.
B: Those are not adjectives, you asshole. That was three verbs and a noun.
D: But I love you.
B: No comment.
D: You’re going to leave me later, huh?

Really, what was up with the mumbling? I couldn’t understand him. She tells Brooks she’s running (in the metaphor, not in real life. She couldn’t in those heels), and he later tells the Bachelor camera that he’s a bit behind her in the emotional process…although he’s totally not sharing that with her.

So here is my big prediction. Reminder – I don’t read spoilers and I hate it when people spoil shit for me so don’t confirm or deny this if you know anything. But here’s my guess: Brooks leaves her in two episodes. Remember last week when we saw her crying and Drew says, “It just wouldn’t work” or something like that? I bet it’s Brooks who leaves and Drew is consoling her. There was a clip where she says something like, “I stayed with this whole process for you.” And it looks like she’s talking to Drew? I remember thinking there was some weird voice dubbing going on. She says that to Brooks…and that is why we saw previews of Smitty asking her if she wants to stop the show – because she’s so distraught that Brooks leaves. Pretty good, eh? Also, I hate myself juuuust a little bit for putting so much thought into this.

They watch fireworks and some dumbass accidentally threw every firework into the launcher at the same time.

"Oops, my bad!" - Madeiran fireworks operator

 Chris Date 

Chris gets the next one on one date. Chris smells the date card after he reads it. Easy dude. They get the yacht date and this would sooooo be my choice. Desiree says, “He’s got all the qualities I’ve been looking for in a husband, so today I’ll be picturing what our lives will look like in the future.” Anyone else see a problem here? Your lives in the future will look nothing like being on a yacht in Madeira. Know what it’ll look like? You’ll be drunk and crying while watching Titanic on TV for the 30th time, while your husband is in the bathroom taking a thirty-minute shit with his iPad on his lap. You’ll then scream at him to fix the goddamn Potscrubber 1200 for the tenth time that day while you text your friends about how you almost found love once, just like Rose and Jack Dawson.

Chris says that their chemistry is pretty legit. His words for real. Dork. You’re not MC Hammer.

They take the yacht to a deserted island which blows – I’d much rather stay on the boat. They write a poem, TOGETHER, which is horrid and very Dr. Seussy. Chris says, “It just feels right – it’s not awkward.” I beg to differ. The underside of my couch also begs to differ. They put the poem in a bottle and toss it out to sea. Somehow, going from the grass to the rock by the ocean, Chris gets soaked but they don’t show how, which is super disappointing. I bet he got wiped out by a rogue wave and it would have made amazing TV. Chris makes a horrible throw of the bottle, and then says, “This is a memory only Desiree and I will have and it can’t be duplicated.” Ummm, I guess that’s true, but wait until you see the cloud date on TV with Brooks. That shit was awesome!

 Worst throw ever.

They pass by another cat on the way to dinner. What is up with all the pussies on this island? Wow, there are so many jokes in here, my head might explode.

I'm just one of many pussies on this island!

At dinner, he asks her how many kids she wants and she casually answers something like, “Not many, three of four.” THREE OR FOUR is not many? This bitch is delusional. My two kids have singlehandedly shaved ten years off my life at least, through exhaustion and stress. I’d love to see free spirit Desiree handle four. Crazy bitch.

Chris reads another poem (STOP IT) and it says he’s falling in love with her at the end. She looks happy-ish and says, “He has all the qualities I’m looking for.” By now, we’ve learned this is the kiss of death. Love is not a spreadsheet, lady. You don’t hear her say that stuff about Brooks – she just loves him, regardless of his list of good qualities and in spite of the hair.

Michael Date 

Michael gets the next one on one date, which says, “Let’s have fun in Foonchow.” Pretty sure it didn’t say exactly that. But close enough.

They have the “walk around town” date. The “take in the culture” date. Ugh, that’s the worst. Culture. Bleech.

She tells Michael they’re just exploring the town today. Look Michael, this is the park where I got felt up by Chris last night. Michael says, “I hope she sees me as the man she can spend the rest of her life with.” Ummm, notsomuch.

They take some sled down a hill and uh, how dangerous is THAT shit? How about a helmet? Good god. And guess what, you guys?? Love is like sliding down a hill – you’re out of control and you’re scared and sometimes you shit your pants and crack your head open and die, but hey, love is worth the risk!

At dinner, they talk about love, diabetes, deadbeat dads, hospital bills, and the fact that Michael got his heartbroken in what sounds like the shadiest story of all time. Apparently some chick relocated to Miami for Michael, but then his friend sent him a photo of her on a mountain with some other guy in Vail. So was he not suspicious when she packed up ski equipment and said she’s going to the grocery store and didn’t come back for five nights?

They head to a private concert by three people in a street and the lady never opens her eyes. That’s all I really noted down about that. Desiree ends the date by saying, “He’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.” She pauses and adds on, “Also, I’m pretty sure he’s gay and I have zero sexual attraction to him. Zero.”

Zak and Drew Date 

Des wants to take the guys go-cart racing because “she wants to have fun every day of my life.” Really? I don’t. I want to cry and be bored and sad. See what I mean? We all want the same shit. Stop pretending like this is groundbreaking, unique information.

They race around the racetrack in these little cars and I guess it looks pretty fun. At least they have helmets on. And we find out love is like racing a go-cart with the rush of adrenaline, FUCK YOU.

The boys race and Zak wins…umm by a landslide. He gets the first alone time with her and shares with her a scrapbook of their journey, hand painted by him. At least it’s not poems and cutout magazine words. Fuck. He really isn’t much of an artist though, is he?

 This is Germany. Obviously.

I don’t get the feeling that she’s all that into him. He’ll be the next to go, I think, which is sad because I kind of dig him. Kind of.

She then has alone time with Drew who tells her again about his severely mentally handicapped sister. He asks her if she’ll come with him to pick her up for his hometown date and she says yes! Because 200 cameras won’t be overwhelming to her, I’m sure.

Drew goes a little overboard with the love talk here, saying he’s never had these feelings with anyone before and he’s fallen in love with her. And he’s never felt this before. And he’s never felt these feelings before. He’s never fallen in love like this. Never.

She gives the rose to Drew because Zak’s Germany picture was unforgivable and she probably senses Drew would freak the fuck out if she didn’t.

Wrong, wrong and more wrong.

Rose Ceremony 

Desiree chats with Chris before the rose ceremony and says Drew is the best looking guy she’s ever met, which seems extreme. She tells Chris that she’s at the finish line with Brooks – she’s in love with him. She starts crying because she’s so happy and emotional about it. Smitty says, “So are we done here?” She replies, “No I’m keeping an open mind.” Good thing because Brooks is about to dump your ass. Yikes.

Drew already has a rose, and the others go to Brooks, Chris and Zak. Which means poor Michael is sent home. She basically tells him that her other relationships were progressing faster, and also she didn’t like him that much. He was super sweet saying to her that no girl will measure up to her and that he sincerely wishes her nothing but the best. This makes me feel bad for all the shit talking I’ve done here.

However, I don’t feel bad anymore, after he gets in the limo and makes the super unfortunate decision to CALL HIS MOTHER. Dude, don’t do that. Why? Are you TRYING to look like a total pussy? He tells Mama that Desiree dumped him and she says, “Oh no, here we go again.” Which also sucks for Michael’s reputation. Now he looks like a pussy that continually gets his heart broken by bitches and cries to him Mom about it. Lord.

Previews next week show more of Brooks’ doubts and Desiree’s creepy brother back in the mix. See ya then, peeps.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap - The Whiny Bitch Episode

The best part of this week was getting rid of three guys! I see a light at the end of the desperation-herpes-filled tunnel. Anyway, we start with eight guys and the previews tell us that it’s the “all about James” episode. Desiree begins her time in Barcelona by walking around. Apparently, she’s hopeful, excited and likes churches.

Drew Date 

I haven’t been under my sofa more this entire season, than I was on Drew and Desiree’s date. SO many awkward moments. Drew (27, Scottsdale, Digital Marketing Analyst) is nice and normal and he’s not crazy or lame…he’s just a little…vanilla for me. And nerdy? And his hair is too coifed. And he would probably be the guy to caress my face and use the term “make love”. He probably doesn’t ever say “fuck” and he makes sure his balls are shorn carefully. This is just a guess. So nice guy, but something rubs me the wrong way (that’s what she said).

He says, “My time has finally come, and I’m really looking forward to it.” See what I mean?

They meet in the street and Drew says that before they start the date he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about kissing her. That is code for, “It’s ridiculous how far the other guys have gotten and I haven’t even kissed you yet, so I HAVE to.” She squeals! Ahhh! Ok! And Kiss. And I’m under the sofa.

Desiree says, “I love that he kissed me right away, it started the day off strong.” Like his penis. Sorry, that was stupid.

He says, “Every time I’m with her I get butterflies.” Again, not okay for a man to have this terminology in his vocabulary. Along with ‘fairy tale’.

They head to a bar, which is an ironic choice of venue to tell your TV girlfriend that your dad is a recovering alcoholic. He says he’s his hero but now he has cancer. But he’s doing well and “nobody in the office even knows he has cancer!” Ummm, they do now?

On the way to dinner, they stop in a dark alley to groove to a little band. Under the sofa. They head to their private little table and I can’t get over her poor shoe choice – shockingly white high heels…on cobblestone? Twisted ankle much? Think practically, girlfriend. After dinner, Drew tells the Bachelor camera that he’s overcome with emotions and his thoughts are running crazy…I feel something coming, so I assume the “under sofa” position. Sure enough, he makes her run in those dangerous heels away from the cameras, down a dark alley. It can’t be romantic, as you see fifty production/camera people scramble to catch up. Phew, thank god I’m under the sofa already. He pins her up against a wall and kisses her, while caressing her face. Yucks.

So romantic. Especially the spotlight.

She gives him the rose in the alley because the producers just yelled at her to do it, since she ran away from the dinner table, fucking up the rose plans. He accepts of course, and then decides it’s the perfect time to tell her about James. (Reminder for those who missed it – James and Mikey had a conversation last week where he talked about being the next Bachelor if he made it to the top four, and how he wants to take hot women on boat rides in Chicago. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s basically it). Drew tells Desiree about this conversation and she looks pissed. The end.

Group Date 

The group date is for Brooks (28, Salt Lake City, Marketing Consultant), Chris (27, Seattle, Mortgage Broker), Kasey (29, San Luis Obispo, Advertising Executive), Michael (33, Miami, Federal Prosecutor), James (27, Chicago, Advertising), and Juan Pablo (31, Miami, Former Pro Soccer Player).

It’s a soccer date. So how stoked is Juan Pablo? He says, “I feel at home, I think it’s going to be a great day for me.” And it’s going to be a great day for ME – how hot does he look? Me like.

They practice a bit and Juan Pablo looks as hot as you’d suspect. Next they play a game against some pro girls and they get their asses kicked, namely because James is the worst goalie of all time.

At the after party, Michael toasts: “Here’s to kicking some soccer balls today and kicking it with Des tonight.” And here’s to kicking you in the goddamn nose. Cut that nerdy shit out, please. Ugh.

She takes Chris to her bedroom and gives him a poem that she wrote for him…and it RHYMED, people. I would assume if you went to poetry graduate school, rule number one would be to NOT rhyme your shit. You sound like Dr. Seuss.

Kasey and Michael decide to confront James and as most Bachelor fights go, it just goes around and around until we’re all exhausted. James says he didn’t start that conversation and then just kind of roars for awhile. Michael however, really loses it. He’s the one that really comes unglued, throwing stupid shots like, “You’re not trying out for the Jersey Shore”, which you know he thought of in bed one night and was just DYING to use it.

At one point, James yells at Kasey and says, “Oh so you just know EVERYTHING I said?” And Kasey answers, “Umm, yeah, cause I heard you.” So that’s funny. Kasey actually wins big points with me here – he sounds super rational which is sadly a total turn-on for me. He loses me a bit when he says, “James is just trying to figure out how he can deny and counter-accusate.” Ahhh, ye ole counter accusate.

Desiree then talks to James, who cries and claims the guys are just threatened by him. Pluuuease, Desiree, that’s like saying, “here for the right reasons”. They don’t just make shit up because they’re threatened. Good lord. Also, that is the fakest cry ever.

Apparently Desiree likes him because this would be the perfect excuse to get rid of someone you weren’t that into, like Michael, for instance. But she lets him convince her that he didn’t REALLY mean it. So she tells him she wants to sleep on it. In his car back to the hotel, he only looks broken up over the fact that the guys are making him look bad. So yeah, he pretty much sucks.

Zak date 

They head to an artists’ studio to sketch some people and he’s not that bad. That is, until this:

Then he just wins huge points with me for actually making that. That is awesome. I would frame that shit if I were her. She actually wins a few points with me by laughing so hard. At least she can take a joke.

Then a poor nude model is forced to strip naked for them. Does he know what show this is for? I feel bad for that dude, who has to strip down for these two nimrods. Also, there is no way I could even attempt to draw that. Zak then thinks it’s funny for him to get in a robe and model for Desiree – in his underwear. It’s just an attempt to show Desiree his muscular body, which is super lame. I was beginning to like him, but this brings me back to night one, when he was shirtless for fifteen hours.

"Be sure to draw THIS"

They have dinner in a cave, which makes me claustrophobic just looking at it. How are they certain that shit won’t cave in? Scary. Zak is actually really sweet, but not in a total pussy way, so he’s growing on me a little. He does say how much he loves an adventure and how settling down in one place is not for him………….which begs the question, soooo what will you do if you win a wife on this show? She’s not going to want to take your baby on a friggin adventure every week. And sometime the kid will start Kindergarten and might need a school to go to – not a camel in the Sahara. I don’t know what that meant.

I’m liking Zak a lot but I’m not sure if a wife and a white picket fence are in his future. When a dude says, “I’m not comfortable settling down in one spot – that’s why I’m still single”, things don’t look good for picking up a wife.

She gives him the rose. Also, there are a lot of corridors in Spain.

More James Drama 

Back in the hotel room, James continues to fight with Drew and everyone else. I’m exhausted with this shit. What a bunch of whiny bitches. So he’s a dirtbag – why do we have to keep fighting about it? Juan Pablo agrees with me – he looks like he is OVER it.

Desiree takes James outside to talk AGAIN, and once again he convinces her to keep him, despite his sweaty boobs. James comes back to the room and sits with the guys. I’m so bored, I decide at this point to rank the guys in order of who I want on top of me naked. The first one is Juan Pablo. Next is Zak, then Brooks, then James, Chris, Kasey, Drew and finally Michael. Just in case you were wondering.

Rose Ceremony 

Drew and Zak already have roses. The rest of the roses go to:

Chris – Dr. Seuss. Cute, normal…a little boring, but sweet guy.
Brooks – flat teeth, cool guy hair, cute, normal.
Michael – Super dork, No way in God’s green earth she will pick him. No way.

Therefore she sends James, Kasey and Juan Pablo home. Woo hoo – three guys down, thank god. I thought Kasey was normal actually but it was clear they weren’t a match. James kind of sucks and you know I’m sad to see Juan Pablo go. Clearly, there was nothing but tongue and boob rubbing between them, but man was he fun to look at. In his goodbye interview, he cries and says he hopes to find a stepmother for his daughter. He just wants to find love, a wife, someone to be with. He then says, “Ok cut! Is that sufficient for a Bachelor application video? Greeeeat, thanks.”

James isn’t sad about Desiree at all, but is just bummed out that he looked like the bad guy to America, thus ruining his chances of becoming the next Bachelor. Douche bag.

And she’s not picking Drew, so I bet it’s between Zak, Chris and Brooks, with Chris and Brooks as the final two. However, I admit I’m sucked in at those previews. What the heck happens? Why is everyone friggin crying? I’ll keep you posted.