Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Bachelorette Finale Recap – I’m SURE this one will last. This one will TOTALLY be different.

BOO. Not a fan of this outcome, people. Not cool.

But we have hours to discuss here. For the record, three hours of anything is too long. But I hang on to see Juan Pablo. Anyhoo, here we go.

Desiree is heartbroken after Brooks dumped her ass last week. She says it throws everything off. She sits with Smitty who says, “How are you doing today?” And she cried. Smitty sits there. Pause, pause, pause, pause, pause, pause. “I’m sorry.” This is a riveting interview, Smits.

He finally asks a good question though – if she had never met Brooks, could she see herself with one of the two remaining guys? That’s a good question. And it actually is – If she hadn’t met Brooks, perhaps she’d really like Chris. But guess what? SHE LOVES BROOKS…so it becomes a stupid question.

She says she’s so comfortable with Chris, and Drew is the nicest guy in the world….so YEAH, that’s not looking too good.

She tells Chris her heart is broken but not her spirit. Say what? What the fuck does that mean? When you’re trying to find love, maybe NOT having a broken heart is important? She’s so screwed. But she tells Smitty she wants to continue. Lord help us. Smitty tells her she has two guys, two roses and a rose ceremony, so….good luck. She tells him, “I want to find someone to share my life with. I do. I really do.” She adds, “I mean, I want that so much that I’m about to marry a gay man.” I may have added that.

Rose Ceremony 

Drew shows up and he’s actually quite handsome when he doesn’t move or speak. She tells them her first of many lies this week: “Until now I’ve taken every relationship individually.” Ummm, no she didn’t. That’s not true. She loved Brooks more than all of them. Isn’t that comparing them? She tells them Brooks left, she’s super sad about it but she wants to give them roses anyway. Thanks?

The audience “is anxious to weigh in”. Oh lord. The few women that speak are idiots. They say things like, “She’ll realize how much Drew and Chris love her!” Yeeeeeah, that still doesn’t mean she loves them. What am I missing here?

Here’s old lady. She’s at least 25 years older than anyone else in the audience, so I’m hoping for some wisdom. She says, “I think Brooks loves her but he got scared. He shouldn’t have asked two women their opinions, and not a man.” I think she’s half right. Brooks doesn’t love her, but he maybe should have asked a guy his thoughts. They would not have said unrealistic bullshit like the sister. He would’ve said this: “Yeah, I love my wife, but not like, so much I want to cry and be with her all the time. Once you’ve been with someone for ten years, they start to bug you anyway, so if you like her and she’s half normal, you should probably marry her.”

Drew Date 

It’s obvious within the first six seconds that she’s going to dump Drew. They hop on a couple horses and ride them to the beach. They look super awkward and have terrible conversation.

Des: “What did you do yesterday, Drew?”
Drew: “I just hung out.”
Des: “Like by the pool?”
Drew: “No just in my room.”
Des: “Why would you stay in your room when you’re on a free vacation to a tropical island?”
Drew: “Well, I was really busy masturbating to a Photoshopped wedding picture of us.”
Des: “Well that’s honest. Are you sure I was in the photo?”
Drew: “I have two pictures. In one, I’m marrying you, and in the other I’m marrying Brooks. I really like both pictures.”
Des: “This doesn’t surprise me.”

They get to the beach and Drew toasts to being madly in love. Awwwwwwwkward. She takes this as the time to send Drew to Dump City. She tells him she doesn’t see their futures together. Bitch, please, just be honest, like Brooks was with you twenty hours ago. YOU DON’T LIKE HIM. And you fear he’s gay. OK Maybe just say the first one.

Drew looks devastated, but keeps it together, saying all the right things. He says, “So I guess this is goodbye. Ummmmmmmm, do I have to ride the horse back?” He voiceovers himself as he walks away, “I’m crushed, I wanted to spend my life with her, I really do love her, oh good there’s a van, thank god.”

Chris Date 

Desiree puts on her bikini for Chris’ date, which happens to be the same one I had in 1989. Desiree comments, “This is the last chance for me”. Yes, Des, this is the LAST CHANCE you’ll ever have to find love. At 22 or whatever stupid young age you are, you’ll NEVER find anyone else. Gay mortgage guy is your last hope. Why is she so desperate? Good lord.

She takes him on a catamaran ride and I really thought they were playing the Celine Dion Titanic song for a split second. But no, dammit, it wasn’t. They spend the day on the boat, kissing a lot (pretending it’s Brooks, of course), and swimming. She continuously voiceovers herself, talking herself into being in love with Chris.

Later that night, in hotel room 46, Chris tells her he’s in love with her again, blah blah blah. She tells the camera it’s always flowed really naturally with Chris. Like the shit from his nose after an adjustment. That was stupid, sorry.

Chris tells her that he has something for her. OH NO. It’s scrapbook time.

I’m not far off. It’s a journal of poetry, shocking. She looks so surprised. Pluuuease, girlfriend, I knew two days ago that he was going to give you a poetry journal. She says, “Here’s to the greatest man I’ve ever known (besides Brooks, she mumbles under her breath)”.

She later cries a lot to the Bachelor camera saying she’s never felt anyone has loved her as much as she’s loved them, and that it’s hard to feel loved. OK Here’s psychologist Jen’s assessment: She’s crazy, level 10, code red insecure. She’s been super fucked over by guys before and doesn’t feel like anyone she actually loves will ever love her back (FYI, 90% of chicks feel this way in their 20’s). So she’s admitting whole-heartedly right now, to settle for Chris. At least he’s safe because she’s tired of getting hurt. So that sucks because she really loves Brooks.

Jackie, Leslie and Lindsey 

Seriously, why the shit are these three here? Are they considered industry experts? Jackie especially is an odd choice of spokesperson.

Sean and Catherine are there too, and I don’t buy it for a second that she doesn’t drive him nuts. She’s a child for shit’s sake. And why is the voice so annoying? Anyway, Sean says all the right things, Catherine makes no sense, Jackie is shocked Brooks dumped her and Lindsey (oddly the voice of reason here), says she’s worried about Desiree, since she obviously loved Brooks the most. Leslie is a dork, holding back laughter the whole time…probably thinking how ridiculous it is that she scored a free trip to LA for THIS.

Chris Meets the Fam 

Seriously, this is so boring. Even crazy ass brother Nate doesn’t do anything dramatic. Chris talks to the family about nothing interesting and he asks her dad for her hand in marriage. He says yes. Fuck this is boring. How boring are their holidays together? No wonder Nate broke out into crazy world. He needed some excitement.

Nate and Desiree talk outside together for a bit and he asks her about Brooks. He said that he knows she really liked Brooks, so is she settling for Chris? Aaaaand wow. It really says something about this show when NATE is the voice of reason.

She says it was hard when Brooks left and it took her a long time to get over him. Umm, define ‘a long time’. Like that horrifying, intense, grueling….40 hours? It just happened, like yesterday, dick. She’s not over him, she’s just determined not to go home alone.

The Final Rose Ceremony…aka Desiree’s LAST CHANCE EVER

Neil Lane gets his free trip to An-tee-ga and this is by far the least amount of airtime he’s ever had. He tries to impart words of wisdom in hopes that he’s shown for more than sixteen seconds on TV. It doesn’t work. Chris chooses ring number three (I think?), which seems to be the smallest. Dummy.

Desiree claims she has no idea what she’s going to do. She gets out of the limo. Smitty asks, “Are you ready for this?” She says, “I am.” Sooooo I guess she figured it out?

Oh the dress…the dress. I must say I haven’t bagged too much on her clothing choices but most of them have been horrendous. This is a new low. My mom is watching the show with me tonight and says, “Oh that dress is beautiful.” My mom is going senile. What was Desiree thinking? Did she walk into the store and say, “I’m getting proposed to, now what dress here really says ‘love’ and ‘eternity’? I know! One that looks like loose skin. Perfect!”

Chris gets out of the car and apparently Smitty didn’t want to walk ALL the way to the car to greet him. Chris says something like, “I’m 100% committed and I want her to know that.” Dude, I think that’s clear. Or you could write her ONE more poem just to make completely sure.

He walks out to see her and starts blabbing about the journey, blah blah blah. Apparently he wants to make decisions with her, I don’t know. I just know I’m not really into this pairing – I think it’s a disaster and I don’t want Chris naked on top of me, so overall I’m feeling a little tingly about the whole thing.

He gets down on one knee, but she stops him and says she wants to say things first. She tells him that she loved Brooks but certainly didn’t go into the painful detail she probably should have. She ran over that information quickly. She then tells him she sent Drew home…she says she was so blindsided by her feelings for Brooke that she didn’t see the one thing she always needed was right in front of her…It’s a good attempt. It’s the only way it sounds remotely believable as to why she freaked about Brooks 12 hours ago but is now engaged to Chris. But I just don’t buy it – she’s completely talking herself into it. She loves Brooks and she’s settling for Chris. I’m no expert, so whatever, but I am not feeling this one.

He FINALLY proposes and she says, and I’m not even fucking joking: “I will, a thousand times yes, I will!” Who the fuck says THAT? Come on now.

Yo check out my freaky skin dress

After the Final Rose 

Can we just jump to Juan Pablo?

I’m going to run through this because nobody cares. Desiree comes out first and Smitty is back on his interviewing game. He asks her how she was able to get over Brooks so quickly and get engaged to Chris? Love him. She admits that women like the chase sometimes, and Brooks was more mysterious, whereas Drew and Chris were overly emotional, gay and stalker-like. She softened the language a bit, but you get the drift.

There’s a lot of talk about Brooks and he finally comes out. I think he looks good. I bet a little bit of Desiree just wants to break down and sob. It’s making me sad picturing it, actually. Anyway, Brooks said it’s been tough to watch back but makes no indication that he’s changed his mind about her, unfortunately.

He says to her that he really WANTED to make it work and because of that his head was ahead of his heart. She gasps, “OH my god, I totally get that! It’s how I feel about Chris right now! Did I just say that out loud?”

She tells him she is engaged to Chris now, and he doesn’t look too broken up about it.


Drew comes out and here’s the summary: He says it’s been a long recovery process but he’s not in love with her anymore. He was able to find happiness. Phew.

Drew asks her if he was ALWAYS behind Chris and Brooks. She answers, “No we always had in-depth conversations.” Say what? This must be code for, “No, I’d say BOTH you and Chris were miles behind Brooks. Still are actually.”

She says goodbye to him and wishes him luck. She says, “Whoever you end up with is a lucky girl….or boy, whatever.”


Chris comes out, wearing the same suit he wore the night he proposed to Des. He says he’s happy, blaaaaaaaah, blah. Smitty asks him, “Yes, but do you feel you can fully trust this love?” Or maybe he asked Desiree that? Fuck I don’t care.

They watch the proposal and Desiree tears up. Smitty says, “I’m happy to see tears of joy.” She replies, “YES, they are TOTALLY tears of joy. Yup, JOY! Definitely, nothing but joy. No despair or sadness at ALL. All joy, all the time. I’M SO HAPPY.”

In other news, she’s moving to Seattle this weekend and Chris’ mom is texting her a lot. Also, Chris’ dad is still feeling her up under the guise of “chiropractor” whenever he gets the chance.

I’m super annoyed that Smitty doesn’t ask Chris about what he thought watching the show back. He finally saw the extent of her love for Brooks….and not him. But he doesn’t ask about it – that drives me nuts. You know they’ve had brutal fights about this one.

He gives her a gift and this one takes the cake. You DORK. A framed poem with rose petals, titled, “My Girl?” Do you think he recites it to her in a whisper while they make love? OH MY GOD SO MUCH OF THAT SENTENCE MAKES ME PHYSICALLY UNCOMFORTABLE TO PICTURE.

Juan Pablo 

Viva Juan Pablo! I admit, I’m friggin stoked. JP is the next Bachelor, people. Not only is he super hot, but he’s just a touch of awkward, saying the wrong things and acting not QUITE how he should. I bet it’ll be a train wreck of a season because bitches are going to LOSE their MIND over this guy. Good times, people.

We watch a Juan Pablo montage – He chases birds on the beach and talks about his daughter, Ka-Mee-La. I don’t care. I’m just staring at him.

He comes out and the audience freaks the fuck out. Oh man, this is SO going to go to his head. Good lord. The show ends and bitches rush the stage to hug him and feel him up a bit. This is going to be good, people. So the bad news is, we have to wait until January. But I WILL be there. Mama Like.

Thanks to everyone for reading and keeping with this lame-o season. Love you all.