Thursday, September 11, 2014

My New Blog!

Weeee! Here's my new blog. All of the old content is here - so please be sure to delete the other one from your bookmarks, rss feed, whatever. ADD THIS ONE!

Enter your email (look to the right, scroll down, and enter your email in the box that says "follow by email") to receive email updates, or add this to your rss feed!

Or click on the Facebook button to the right and "Add" it as a friend - that is the only place I will now post the links to my blog!

I will see you in January, friends!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise – How pissed off is Neil Lane right now?

Was there a drunken Sephora employee stationed at the Herpes pad? I mean, my god, ladies. Not only are you all wearing WAY too much makeup when you’re at the beach, but that’s too much makeup for a Vegas stage production. Ease up, holy smokes.

Chris Harrison tells the remaining twelve people, six “couples” (using the term loosely), that now is the time to take a hard, honest look at your “relationships” (using the term loosely). If you don’t see it going anywhere, then leave. And you have to decide NOW, RIGHT NOW, if you want to be with them. Sooo, they fought to stay every week and now they just choose to leave? This show is so weird.

Jackie admits to the camera that she doesn’t know if she can fully picture an idea of love with Zack, because, well…they just had one date about 48 hours ago. Yes, Jackie. Yes, I’d say that’s valid. This show is so fucked up.

Despite the fact they’re supposed to be talking to each other, the boys and girls separate and chit chat amongst themselves. AshLEE is so full of shit that Money can’t handle it, and runs to Graham. He then runs to AshLEE and dumps her ass. Yes, it looks like we can blame this on Michelle, but please. He didn’t like her. At all. Really…I think he was sad because he’s a nice guy and felt bad for squashing her heart, but he didn’t like her that much. Also, I’m going to wear THIS to elementary school drop off tomorrow morning:

Why isn’t Graham the next Bachelor?

Christy and Tasos break up in about sixteen seconds. The girl has yet another wicked sunburn. Then, Jackie and Zack break up in about twenty seconds. Also, THIS is what I’m wearing to school drop off on Thursday:

But only if I can find these earrings to go with it and if my makeup looks like this:

Robert and Sarah decide to stay. “I’m not packing my bags.” “Neither am I.” Weeeee! Decision made. Harrison would be disappointed in their lack of a fully-thought-through dissection of the relationship.

Money can’t make a goddamn decision about Cody. She is stressed about it and says, “It is literally like someone has a gun to your head.” And with that comment, every person in America who has ACTUALLY had a gun to their head, gives a collective, “Fuck off dummy” to Michelle.

Money calls her daughter, Brielle, to help her with this decision, which is totally appropriate of course. Here’s the conversation:

M: Hi Brielle! It’s Mommy! I miss you, but not too much because I’ve been very drunk. How are you?
B: I’m fine, Mommy. You’ve been gone a long time. Hope it was worth it.
M: Can you help me with a decision?
B: I’m only like, five, but OK.
M: I have to decide about a cute boy.
B: You don’t have to decide NOW.
M: Actually, yes I do. Right NOW, NOW. NOW! I have to decide or I will be imprisoned in Bachelor prison. They can actually MAKE you choose someone. I have to! NOW!
B: No mom. You don’t. Chill out. You can always dump him in real life soon, so you don’t HAVE to decide on forever right NOW. I fear you’ve been brainwashed by the Bachelor producers.
M: His name is Cody and he’s cuuuute.
B: Perhaps you shouldn’t be so hung up on looks, Mom. Chill out on the hair extensions and makeup, too. Anyway, if you like him and he has a good personality, then go for it.

So Michelle and Cody stay, along with Lacy and Marcus, Duh. So we’re down to those three couples.


The three couples now all get overnight dates. Harrison advises them to use the time to have real conversations about where the relationship is going. In other words, bang until the sun comes up and don’t talk about anything.

Michelle claims she has responsibilities as a mother and needs to talk to Cody about that. The next morning, she tells Lacy they humped all over the room and that she was “sore”. Glad to see all that parenthood talk went well!

Robert and Sarah are also excited to be together. Sarah wants Robert to drill deep, dive deep, dig, deep, something like that. What I wouldn’t pay to be a Bachelor editor…I’d get drunk and slice together all these lines too. Amazing. Anyway, despite the digging deep plea, they seem to have a very 12-year-old feeling date. They look like kids touching tongues for the first time. Not hot.

Marcus and Lacy profess more love – Lacy says, “You have my whole heart…and my vagine.” Then they slobber all over each other. They need to turn off the microphones when they make out – the slurping mic is gross.

Next Morning 

I’m so annoyed at the Sarah and Robert thing. What the hell happened? Sarah said he turned off the lights and went to bed…with his pants on. That, I guess, is OK if he didn’t want to have sex with her. Maybe he wanted to take it slow. But then she tried to take his pants off (all of this she admits, by the way) and he stopped her. Maybe he’s missing a penis, much like her arm is missing. They’d be a perfect match!

Anyway, why didn’t she ask him THEN what was going on? I feel like it’s super weird and we’re not getting the whole story. When she asks him about it the next day, she says, “You didn’t even want to touch me.” They never really show what he says in response. How annoying! Either she just complained and he never answered her, or we’re missing something here. I liked them, dammit. But that’s over now…boo.

Michelle is now crystal clear about Cody, thanks to the aerobic banging they did all night. Cody says he marked some things off his bucket list last night. Ewww, dude, gross.

Oh no, Alumni… 

This is why you get married after appearing on this show. Because you get to take trips to exotic places for free, all for ten minutes of your time, fake counseling these people. Awesome.

So Harrison brings in Desiree and Chris, Catherine and Sean, and Molly and Jason. They take turns talking to the two remaining couples, individually and together. Harrison claims they can give them advice about dealing with your new relationship in the real world. In what vortex have we fallen into, where these numnuts are powerful advice-givers?

They all agree everyone is in love…except Desiree who looks miserable to be there with poet boy. Oh and Marcus likes Lacy’s boobs, no kidding. Harrison thanks them for the sixteen minutes. No problem, they respond.

Final Rose Ceremony 

Money and Cody blab to each other about how happy they are to have found each other. That’s nice. Cody says, “I’m so glad you were here. I mean, at first I didn’t care because I was glad Clare was here, but now I’m glad you were here, but mostly only after she left. But still I’m glad.”

Marcus asks to have a moment alone with Lacy. From Harrison’s quick response I can tell this has been pre-planned. He walks with her down to the beach so they can have private time away from the six people in the hut and now they only have a couple million at home watching. Much better plan, yes.

He friggin proposes to her! Too bad I read that spoiler a few months ago, dammit. But still, I guess that’s cute? I think they’ve been on vacation for three weeks but sure, that could be enough. ?

He gives her a rock and I just wonder where the fuck Neil Lane is? He soooo got cut out of this series. Lame, Bachelor! Not cool.

Screw the private time, Harrison lets everyone else watch and then they run to the beach to congratulate them. But then they have to exchange roses again, which seems weird. I mean the ring sort of does the trick, no? It’s awkward city as Lacy vows to be the best wife ever. The end! And I read today that Bachelor in Paradise was picked up for season two next summer, people. Weee! I think?

Time for a break. I’ll see you next January with Farmer Chris as the Bachelor. I’ll have a new blog site, but I’ll send out that update on my blog later this week. For now, bookmark this page: 

I’ll give you all the details and it’s still under construction so stay tuned! Thanks for a fun few seasons, peeps. Love you all.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - It's so natural in nature, you guys

I’m beginning to bore a bit. Next week is the finale and me thinks its time… Let’s get started.

First off, Cody needs to chill the shit out. My god, dude! I love that you’re honest and want a real relationship but you’re coming across as…a little too available. You don’t tell a chick you love her after six days together. Marcus didn’t even do that.

Marcus/Lacy Date 

There is no way I’d climb down that hole.

Poor Lacy…her lesson from the producers on what a stalagmite is does not need to be shown. But WOW, she’s not a great listener. HE SAID STALAGMITE.

I am SO not into this date. Swimming in a dark cavern in MEXICO, no less, with fucking catfish and bats? In what realm is this romantic? I would cry. But leave it to Lace-dog to see the silver lining in all this horror: “Facing fear together propels a relationship.” It’s a good lesson, people, and one that this show teaches us every season. Doing dangerous things together is a metaphor for coping with the pitfalls of any relationship. Wading through E. Coli infested waters will be instrumental when these two go shopping for their first washer and dryer. (?)

Lacy thinks it’s pretty here. She says, “It’s all so natural in nature.” Well said, Lacy. That’s like saying, “It’s so bathroom-y in this bathroom.”

Lacy tells Marcus that she is also falling in love with him and the show mocks these two dorks with some crescendo romantic music and a chorus of animal noises. Despite my hatred for these smarmy producers, I admit sometimes I love them, too.

Lacy then tells the camera Marcus is helping her to break down walls (vagina walls, presumably). She then says she couldn’t have asked for a better date. Ummm really? I could’ve asked for about 10 million better dates than swimming in Parasite Bay.


Brooks is there…the cute, normal guy from Desiree’s season. She looooved him and I bet a hundred bucks that she still does. He left her and she was pissed. Anyhoo, I’ve never noticed that he’s a little gay. Am I right? Just a little. Still cute and fun, but just a small side of gay thrown in.

Sarah says she has a crush on him and wanted him to be in paradise. But she’s pretty solid with Robert these days, so what to do? Be a sucky chick and totally fuck it up with good guy Robert so you can see if you like Brooks. Grrr.

He asks Jackie on a date and she says yes. Why the headband? Thank God I missed the disco headband trend. They head to Casa Banana, which is probably my favorite name of all time for a bar/restaurant/foosball gambling operation.

Brooks speaks to the waiter in Spanish and it blows Jackie’s mind. However, Jackie has the same demeanor when her mind is blown, when she’s horrifically sad and when she wins a non-prized foosball game. She is snoozy. Also, apparently she is afraid of lamb and loves sushi. She also claims she does not kiss on the first date but forgets her own rule later on with Zack.


Sarah says she wants a bowl of nachos and somehow the producers edit that so her voiceover says, “I need to break up with Robert”. I bet this was never even a thought and those dickbag producers made it seem that way. Anyhoo, Robert leaves her a cute note to meet him on the beach. She comes to her senses and realizes she has it all with Robert…they cuddle on the beach bed thingy and decide to see what happens with their relationship in LA. They’re cute and I’m happy she didn’t fuck it up. The end.

Other Shit 

Here are some other highlights from this episode. Can you tell I was bored?

-Michelle tells Cody to back the fuck off, but she says it a little nicer than this. He responds by saying he’s a rookie with all this relationship stuff. So that’s not attractive.

-Christy says, “Jesse gave me a rose last week so that tells me he’s here to find a girlfriend.” Say what? What prior knowledge of anything to do with Bachelor Pad/Bach in Paradise franchise tells her this? Chick is delusional. All that alcohol is clogging up her brain. Michelle breaks the news to her that Lucy gave him a hand job in the van last week. I assume it was hand job since she says that Lucy was feeling him up, but it doesn’t make sense because hand jobs aren’t really all that desirable, no? Christy pissed.

-Oddly, God apparently delivers Tasos to Christy. Really, God? If I were Christy and asked for a savior of a man, I’d hope Harry Connick Jr. dropped in. Or Clooney. Or Simon Cowell (you heard me). But Tasos? I mean, he seems nice, but naked on top of me? Nope. No. Nooooo.

--Side note: Cody needs to lay off the rock lifting. It’s all big enough, dude. Stop. Go on a run. Go stretch your neck.

--Tasos and Christy go on a date and AGAIN, what is with the parasite infested waters?? Tulum is hurting for date ideas. There is no way I’m floating in that fucking gator swamp. No way. Also, can we PLEASE give Christy some sunscreen and instruction for chest application?

--Tasos – do NOT narrate going in for a kiss. Just do it or don’t. Don’t talk about it. Awkward city.

--Sarah and Robert are tossing beanbags and she says, “I have the worst arm.” Well, yes, silly, try to throw with the non-missing arm and you’ll do better. Geesh.

In case you were wondering where they went on their date...Thanks Producers!

Zack/Jackie Date 

AshLEE cries because she doesn’t get the date card. Graham won’t talk to her unless they’re forced to, while on a date, so she is super pissy. She REALLY bugs, no?

Anyhoo, Zack and Jackie go out on a date and you have GOT to be kidding me with swamp-date-parasites-up-your-vagina-date number THREE this week?

Men wearing necklaces are a no in my book, but that no becomes HUGE when the necklace is all hempy-like. Yucks. She comments to Jackie that he likes her because she’s so “even-keel.” In normal world, “even-keel” is code for boring as shit, but since he’s comparing her to craze-dog Clare, this “even-keel-ness” is totally appealing. (FYI – Don’t get me wrong. I liked Clare, but that chick be crazy.) Jackie and Zack kiss. Whatevs.

Cocktail Party 

Zack has a gift for Jackie – it’s a bracelet. Apparently, you make a wish and put on the bracelet. When it falls off, your wish will come true. Let me get this straight. Someone made a shitty bracelet that is MEANT to fall off? So it costs like a penny to make? And that thing sells? For actual money?

So get this…after he gives her the bracelet, my TV decides to konk out and goes black. By the time it comes back, Jesse is in a car, leaving the compound with Christy and two other chicks are yelling at him. Soooo, I guess I missed Christy telling Jesse off, which probably led to him choosing to leave. Am I right? Cause I don’t care enough to find it online and watch those missing ten minutes. Maybe I could recap like this all the time: Skip ten minute portions every now and then and just make up what I THINK happens. Would you guys even notice? It is a predictable show…something to think about.

The girls are yelling at him about how he banged more than one chick and then blabbed about it to the guys. So basically they’re yelling at him for being a dude. He just sits there, like, “Yes, correct, so what’s your point here?” The yelling isn’t doing much to get him to apologize or anything, so eventually they just let him go. He’s a bit of a douche bag, yes.

Rose Ceremony 

No surprises…

Lacy gives her rose to Marcus, Sarah gives her rose to Robert, Michelle gives her rose to Cody, AshLEE gives hers to Graham, Christy to Tasos, and Jackie gives hers to………….Zack! THAT was dramatic. Not really. Brooks goes home, Desiree cheers!

Harrison tells them that starting tomorrow, everything changes. Dum dum DUM! No more arrivals, no more rose ceremonies, no more dates. Just alcohol and sex, people. Make it work.

So next week is the finale – we will see what drama unfolds. See you then people!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Skank factor raised

Remember yesterday when I said these awesome previews better live up to the hype? Yeah, so they didn’t. All that drama with ambulances, Graham running off when offered a rose and someone getting lost in the jungle? Yeah, well Graham was thirsty and Lacy had the runs. Talk about over-selling, geesh.

Lacy pukes in the middle of the rose ceremony. By “in the middle of”, I mean, she ran to a toilet and then puked in it. She’s been in Mexico – this is not a shocking diagnosis. She gets an ambulance, goes to the hospital and good ‘ol Marcus hangs out with her. He was “terrified” for her. Seems like a strong word for the runs. Although once, I had a serious bug and pooped my pants in a movie theater. Then I threw up and crawled out of the bathroom, where I collapsed in a poop-filled heap in the lobby of the theater. My boyfriend at the time was there with me and indeed, he looked terrified. I DO wonder if that had more to do with the fact that I had just shit my pants in front of him, or my overall health…we broke up soon after. I don’t think you get over that. Poor guy.

End of rose ceremony: Michelle gives her rose to Cody, Sarah gives it to Robert and Jackie gives it to Jesse, shocker. So Marquel and Kalon go home, no loss there.


Who the hell is this? She is from the Midwest – clearly - and has horrible hair extensions and a significant drinking problem. She’s wacky skinny, kind of pretty but also suffers from a debilitating self-esteem problem. Also, she is SUNBURNED.

Aren't you NOT supposed to see the extension clips?

She asks Zack on her date and he says no, because he’s committed to Clare (dammit, he says!) As they play happily-ever-after music, Clare is filled with hope saying she now knows he cares for her and she trusts him! If that’s not a set-up for a teardown, I don’t know what is.

She takes Jesse out on the dreaded culture date, and these guys are probably the two most ill-suited people for this type of date…next to me. They don’t care about culture shit – the girl needs a drink. They find some tequila and beer and they can FINALLY relax. She’s a drunk for sure, but I agree a little alcohol could ease the pain of that shitty date.

Sarah/Robert Date 

Sarah tells us this date will be very telling for where their future lies. Oh good, another girl with totally realistic expectations. This ONE date will say it ALL. They seem super cute together and he is much hotter than originally thought. However, the sexual chemistry between the two of them is about as strong as it is with me and my stepbrother. (For clarity, that means NONE. I repeat I have no sexual chemistry with my stepbrother)

They take a dip in a Mexican koi pond and affirm my judgment regarding the lack of chemistry. They kiss, but there is something that just feels off. Like the two of them want to be with someone and there’s literally nobody else left, so they’re just all, fuck it – let’s hang out.

Back at the House 

Christy needs to get wasted because, well, it’s Tuesday. Cody is mere moments shy of molesting Michelle, and Zack is kicking himself that he didn’t give drunk Christy a chance. So he talks to Clare and tells her that he’s still trying to determine if they’re right for each other. In Clare’s head, this simple revelation is equal to telling her he hates her guts and wants to kill her. She freaks the shit out, runs into the jungle, cries a whole lot, chats with the raccoon and decides to go home. She breaks the news to Zack, which is just a veiled attempt at hoping he’ll beg her to stay…but he doesn’t. He actually might have said that, but she again overreacts and interrupts him, so he’s all, “get the fuck out.” Not really, but for real, Clare - You’re a good gal, truly. You just need to get a handle on the out-of-control emotional shit. I do think Zack is a bit…dickie about these things. He acts all innocent, but some of the shit he says is not totally nice and easy.

Lucy comes spinning down the beach. She’s the incredibly annoying and YOUNG free spirit. Apparently this is code for slutty and homeless looking. This chick is bananas annoying, my god. She gets naked, pretending to be a free spirit but really just desperate for attention. I need to be a therapist, for reals, people.

Lucy/Jesse Date 

Jesse is everyone’s “might as well take him” for the dates this week. They go to Chee-Chin-Izza and walk through ruins, snooze. Lucy is awkward city with her giggling and Jesse’s take on the date sounds like this: “She’s got a great personality and I can’t wait for her to take her top off again.”


Michelle/Cody Date 

He is the female version of Clare. He’s so nice, but dude, chill the fuck out. My god, he gets attached quickly. Yikes. Michelle comments that she appreciates how “all-in” he is with her. So THAT could be misconstrued.

They head to some fancy hotel and take engagement photos…odd since they’re not, you know, ENGAGED. They then force her to wear a wedding gown and take more wedding photos. The freeze-frame with cheesy font saying their names is too fucking much. Also, THIS is a wedding photo we all have, am I right, ladies?

Graham/Ashlee Date 

Oddly, they go racecar driving in Mexico. As expected, she is a total wuss and drives 15 miles per hour. Doesn’t she go normal freeway speeds at home? Can’t she go at least 60? Graham comments that she proved to him she’s ready for a minivan. I could have told you that based on her general, I AM OBSESSED WITH GETTING MARRIED, vibe.

That’s it. I’m annoyed he likes her cause she sucks.

Other Annoying Happenings 

Lacy and Marcus have now ceased to give us any interesting TV whatsoever. If it were up to the producers, they would kick them off the show and bring in some more insane, disease-ridden psychos. But they can’t, and they can’t totally ignore them, so about once an hour they show them making out and professing love.

Jesse and Lucy are also making out, but he might just be making out with a homeless dude who wandered into Tulum. I can’t tell. Then Christy goes to him since she’s feeling desperate now and he makes out with her too. And grabs her ass in the dark. Pssst, guys, there’s a camera in there…and your parents are watching. WAIT! Lucy is all, I’M SEXUAL TOO YO! Pay attention to me! Love me! What you’re busy with Christy? OK no problem, I’ll come in too.

So gross.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

Zack tells Jackie that he wants to get to know her better but he SWEARS it’s not that Clare just left and he’s moving onto her. OH wait, yes, that’s exactly how it is. Christy then begs for her rose from Jesse, and Lucy says she’s starting shit, but I don’t get at all how she’s doing that? So it doesn’t really work, and she’s toast.

Chris Harrison walks in and tells the kids that their time in paradise is shortening, so time is of the essence to fall in love. Ahhh yes, nothing will make true love happen more effectively than a ticking clock. GO! YOU HAVE THREE DAYS TO FALL IN LOVE! GO!

Robert gives his rose to Sarah, Graham to AshLEE and Cody to Michelle. Marcus gives his rose to Lacy and gives a horrid speech and sticks his tongue down her throat. Harrison is not amused. Zack gives his rose to Jackie and Jesse to Christy. Buh Bye, Lucy.

I have no idea how many episodes are left. My hope is forever, but alas…it won’t be. Two more weeks, maybe? Then we have a break until January, when Farmer Chris looks for love…he was just announced as the new Bachelor, in case you missed it. Love you peeps, see you next week.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Everyone's eggs are in everyone's baskets

These two nights better deliver on all this drama – these previews are bananas! Bring it on, you hopeless crazy people. Also, sorry this is so late. Busy day…and I still have to watch tonight’s show!

Robert/Sarah Date 

We start the show with Robert asking Sarah out on a date, which sets Michelle off. She’s crying, pissed and oh so lonely. She’s hot and normal-ish, but she’s all, “EVERYONE HAS SOMEONE. I WANT SOMEONE!” and I don’t dig it. It’s ok to be lonely and want a husband – don’t just say it out loud, so passionately and crazy-like.

They hardly show anything from this date, probably because these people are too normal, so it’s boring. Sarah does comment on how safe Robert makes her feel while swimming in the ocean. However, from what I know, he’s not a certified lifeguard so I don’t follow this logic.


Cody does zero for me, sexually. I mean, zero. He seems super sweet and clearly makes physical fitness a priority but I have no interest in him rubbing up on me naked. Clare feels the same as I do…She’s tempted to love on him but only because he seems to be a much more secure option than wild card Zack.

Anyway, he asks Clare out on a date and she tells him she’s going to give it a try with Zack, so no, she can’t go out with Cody (this actually takes about 35 minutes of airtime but I compressed it here to one sentence because you people really don’t need the shitty play-by-play.) Clare asks Zack about it and he’s all, “I like you and all but whatevs.” Basically, Zack likes her but not a lot. He’s not willing to say that he’s 100 percent committed to her forever. Clare is emotionally needy so unless he’s all “I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO MARRY YOU,” she’ll be bummed. This is not a great match. Also, there is a lot of talk about eggs in baskets, which I can only assume is code for penises in vaginas.

Marcus/Lacy Date 

Cody decides not to go on his date, since it would be tacky to invite someone as sloppy seconds. Umm, this show is all ABOUT sloppy seconds, pluuuuease. Marcus and Lacy go out instead, loving each other and being needy and gross. Also, that’s an annoying loveseat to eat dinner on. You have to lean way over to put food in your mouth?

They chat about how much they love each other’s features and how she will never get scared off. It’s nice they like each other, but they are going to have a serious reality check when they get home and Lacy asks him to fill her car up with gas and normal shit like that. How can you go from an all-expenses paid vacation in a tropical hotel that resembles a sombrero, to living in a shitty condo with cats in Akron? No offense to Akron. Total offense to cats.


Kalon does LESS for me sexually than Cody. Yes, he’s a total dirtbag, but just physically he scares me. Why do his lips look like he’s had injections? Why is he so blotchy? Admittedly, his major asshole-ness helps his unattractiveness.

He asks Michelle out on a date who says yes, for reasons I can’t explain. Maybe she wants someone to motorboat the shit out of her boobs, because he makes it clear that’s one of his strengths. The next morning she decides there is no reason to go out with him so she tells him she changes her mind. He then asks Jackie who oddly says no because it wouldn’t be beneficial. Say what? Sarah then says no, just because…no. He decides to go on the date by himself, which is amazing. Of course, he thinks he’s SO funny to make out with himself and have conversations with himself and I hate him that much more. Also, I bet he makes high-pitched squeals when he has orgasms.

"This is probably what I look like having an orgasm!!!! AHHHH!!"

Jesse Kovacs/Jackie Date 

This guy sucks too. What’s with all the assholes? I guess if they were all normal and nice, there wouldn’t be good drama. He asks Jackie out on a date. Marquel sad. They head to Rio Secreto…said with a full American accent. Not pronounced secret-oh, but secreeeet – oh. As in…underpant secretion. It’s like a big joke on all of us now.

Jesse makes it clear to everyone but her that he’s out with Jackie because it is his only option for getting a rose this week. Is this chick that dumb too? Truly, how is it possible Clare remains the smartest one in the bunch? I think being on this show would be like hanging out in the Southwest terminal. You’re automatically the smartest and prettiest one there simply by comparison.

AshLEE/Zack/Clare Drama Central 

This could truly take pages to recap correctly, so I’m going to sum this up for you as quickly as possible. AshLEE, who is just extremely cunty in this whole deal, chats with Zack and doesn’t think she’s on camera. She tells him to see other chicks and be careful of Clare because she likes to fuck in the ocean. I am first confused why this is a negative? Having sex in the ocean is difficult and uncomfortable at best, so maybe Clare should be getting high fives for having the stamina and muscle to do it. Why warn him against it?

Once AshLEE realizes that conversation was on camera, she panics. She runs around the house telling everyone what she said, which also seems counterproductive when trying to hide your shitty actions. Bottom line – she’s a shitty ass, bitchy bitch girl. A girl who downright sucks. Lacy tells Clare everything and we see Clare then grab two knives, simply preparing a salad or something, but hey it looks kind of threatening.

AshLEE Cunty tries to apologize to Clare who wants no part of it. Good for you, Clare. Fuck that psycho. Oh MY, that was quite strong. And no, cunty, Clare does NOT want to hug it out, bitch pants. Back off.

Cocktail Party 

Soooo, Cody has apparently decided in the last 7 hours that he no longer likes Clare but is interested in Michelle. This show is seriously about being with the other single person in the room. That’s it. Anyway, he tells Michelle he wants to get to know her, he kisses her, etc. Michelle comments that ever since she’s been there, she’s felt like a plan B…or C. Even D sometimes, but she’s never been a Plan A. And then Cody came in and swept her off her feet. Ummm, swept you off your feet AFTER being denied by Clare, thereby cementing your Plan B status? Theeeeen YES, that is correct.

Michelle tells Graham what happened two days earlier with AshLEE and it’s funny he has no idea. What is he doing all day while all this drama is going down? He seems pretty bummed out he just found out he’s dating a whore bitch monster.

Rose Ceremony 

Girls are giving out roses this week:

-Lacy gives hers to Marcus
-Clare gives hers to Zack
-AshLEE bitch tries to gives hers to Graham….who oddly walks away. And then? TO. BE. CONTINUED. Those bastards! So onto tonights show…

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Bitches Be Crazy

Elise scares me. How much of this crazy is editing? I fear not enough. And what’s with all the metaphors? In the storm of reality TV, this show is my rainbow.

Despite her obsession with Dylan, within minutes, she has become obsessed with Chris. “I’m really glad I gave the rose to Chris.” Ummm, you barely did. You tried to give it to Dylan who said no, and then you gave it to Chris because he was the only other one there. And Chris is hot for some Tulum penetration so he says yes in a heartbeat. Screw the bruised ego - He wants to bruise her vagina. Sorry, gross.

Danielle walks in – from Juan Pablo’s season? Whatever. She came for Marquel so she asks him out on a date. Michelle says, ”Things are not awesome with me and Marquel right now.” I’d say that’s valid. When a guy is attempting to bang at least two other women while staying with you in a house, I’d say things have gone downhill.

Marquel/Danielle Date 

A prop plane in Mexico? Why don’t they just throw them off a cliff? Deathtrap much?

Danielle says, “This could be the first date with the man I’m going to marry.” My god, why must girls say shit like this? No, it won’t be. You want to know why? Because you said that.

Elise gets a date card and asks Chris, of course. Also, she’s still talking about rainbows. Chris hurt his knee. Some Mexican man twists it, puts his hand on it, and says, “It’s sprained.” This does not instill a lot of confidence in the Mexican medical system. A friend of a friend once kicked a cinderblock in Mexico, thinking it was a cardboard box (alcohol was involved, duh). He shattered his foot, went to a hospital, where they cast it. Later that night, back at his condo, it swelled and he was in excruciating pain, so his drunk buddies managed to cut the cast off of him, and send him back to the US on a plane. I mean…

Anyway, back to Marquel’s date. They walk around some ruins, a church, I don’t know. It looks old and dirty. Danielle is not saying much to her future husband. She’s cute, but I fear boring. They have a very sexless swim. Not much goin’ on here in the chemistry department. The date is a bore until they almost get hit by lightning. My god, they could’ve fried in that pool, mere moments before! It’s amazing anyone gets out of there alive.

Back at the Herpes Compound 

Elise: “Chris and I are on the same page. He represents hope to me.” Seriously, is she drunk? She then adds, “He’s a man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to fight for it.” Well that’s true. The dude wants your vagina and he is GOING on that overnight date despite excruciating pain. He will fight for that vagina.

Michelle and Clare set up a double date for Zack and Robert. So these relationships are going nowhere. I actually like Zack and Clare together, but I’m preeeeeety sure Jackie and Zack would pick each other if given the chance. And for some reason, Robert ain’t into Money.

Chris/Elise Date 

You can barely call this a date. It’s like a jail time conjugal visit. There is no other agenda here but to bang each other into tomorrow. Good lord.

Before they go, Chris says he wants to go on the date, even with his bad knee because “She’s got a bangin’ body” and “It’s a night date and stuff could happen, so we’re going.” He’s totally skeezy, yes, but I actually think a lot of this is editing. Every time we hear his voiceover, it’s chopped up. I also find it weird that at the rose ceremony later, he’s talking all about love, but NEVER once mentions anything about actually liking her before that. So oddly, I don’t think he’s as gross as they’re making him out to be. I realize this is odd for me.

The producers have put the Deathtrap airplane on retainer as it’s used for every date this week. Elise and Chris head out to Charpachy or whatever it’s called. They eat dinner and COULD she look any sluttier in that dress? They “swim” in the hotel pool. I’m certain that bathing suit is not actually supposed to get wet. Also, that is not the suit you wear when trying to sell yourself as wife material.

 "Is this dress subtle?"

After they head to the hotel room, they play audio of him moaning. Those are clips of him walking in pain with his knee. They don’t have microphones on them while they bang in the herpes suite. Give me a break.

Back at STD Headquarters

Sarah is torn up here, people. Michelle is out seducing Robert and Sarah cries, saying she doesn’t have the confidence to put together something like that. She comments her biggest enemy is herself. She says Michelle is beautiful and confident, and everything she’s not. Sarah is super normal and cute – she’s got ONE problem and it’s easily fixable: STOP hanging out with Bachelor chicks. They’re all hotter than most, sluttier than most, much more aggressive than most and wear WAY more makeup than most. Normal life isn’t that freaky. I’d feel like shit about myself hanging out with Michelle Money’s body too. Also, thank God Sarah isn’t talking about the arm anymore as the source of her lack of confidence. It is not about the arm.

Jackie from Sean’s season walks in. She’s much hotter than I remember. She asks Marquel on a date, whose head is growing immensely from all this attention. I want to remind him that he’s getting all this attention mostly because he’s one of the only ones not coupled up – he’s the new Clare.

The next morning, Graham complains to Michelle how AshLEE is psycho and annoying because she’s way too into him, talking about meeting her Dad, and just being crazy in general. Let’s discuss AshLEE. She’s probably the hottest one there, but I find her totally unattractive because she’s crazy and SO boring. She needs to drink more, perhaps tell a joke or two and just chill the fuck out. Graham is 100% not into her. He just has no other options. She peed all over him, marked her territory and now nobody else can touch him.

Marcus and Lacy update. They’re all in love and doing Dirty Dancing moves in the hot tub. So that’s nice? I guess?

Marquel/Jackie Date 

Ugh, more ruins. Good lord, they had to walk up all those stairs? Sweat central, gross. You know what else is gross? Commentating your kiss. Shut UP, Marquel. Ewww. “I don’t normally kiss on the first date (liar), but I’m going to take this opportunity to do so. If you’re feeling it, please move in and participate as you wish. If not, pull back. Aaaaaand here I come.” I’d seriously laugh out loud.

More House Things 

Elise has even managed to slut it up for the plane ride home. They head to a hospital and then back to Chris’ bunk bed where she brings him ice. She’s SO excited to take care of him, because this is a real life setting. Sigh…NOTHING on this show is remotely close to real life. Even an injury sustained, believe it or not…is not real life here. You know what would be real life? If one of these chicks gave birth, screamed in pain, shit all over the delivery table and then ended up with an emergency c-section with your intestines put on the little side table next to the operating table. Do THAT and then you can talk to me about a real life setting. Assholes. Also, I know I’ve made this joke before, but guess what? This show repeats itself, so I can too.

Clare is crying about her dad, who passed away ten years ago this week. It’s actually really cute that Zack comforts her and it’s all kind of sad. And then in an unbelievable twist, her dead father appears reincarnated in the shape of a female Mexican sea turtle giving birth on the beach. Wow!

AshLEE and Graham Date 

I’ve never seen a dude SO uninterested in a chick before. They’ve been there three weeks and haven’t kissed yet. He’s NOT into you, lady. But she follows his Instagram so…there’s that.

They have a boring dinner and then dance for three minutes in the town square. And by “dance”, I mean, she wiggles a little. They have two hotel rooms and THIS tells me how crazy she is: She is hot and he has the opportunity to hit that, but even he knows that doing so would bring on so much crazy he couldn’t control it.

In a last curtain call of crazy, she ends the date by saying, “I don’t want to rush things but we’d have hot babies.” Let’s talk about how weird it is to call an infant “hot”. I remember when I was almost bleeding out on the operating table and I finally saw my son, I said, “OMG he’s so hot.”

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

It’s clear who the guys are giving their roses to this week, with the exception of Robert and Marquel. Robert is torn between Sarah and Michelle and Marquel is torn between Danielle and Jackie. Chris Harrison’s suit is horrendous.

-Graham gives his rose to AshLEE. He’s sad about it.
-Zack gives his rose to Clare, but wishes it was going to Jackie.
-Marcus gives his rose to Lacy
-Marquel gives his rose to Jackie, in the least surprising give of the night.
-Robert gives his rose to Sarah, and Michelle is bummed.
-Chris calls Elise’s name but tells her that he can’t give her the rose because his knee hurts and he’s going home. He then makes the mistake of a lifetime, and asks her to come with him. Let’s talk about this.

He doesn’t ACTUALLY want her to come with him, literally. I think he means, let’s date, you can fly to Chicago and visit me, etc. I just don’t want you to stay here and date more – date me instead. However, in the Tulum airport, she changes her ticket to a one-way ticket to Chicago, hires a moving van to pick up her shit at her house and then buys herself a Chicago sweatshirt. He’s so screwed.

Chris says he still has a rose to give and gives it to Michelle, saying she deserves to find love. You’d think someone just bought her a house – she is overjoyed. “I will never forget this as long as I live.” Really? She’s so easy to please!

Next week looks amazeballs despite the fact the producers are asking us to spend FOUR fucking hours watching this shit. See you then!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise - Too much amazingness to choose from for this title. Wow.

There’s actually almost TOO much to discuss. I mean, I could write for days on this episode. I have no clue where to even start. So. Much. Grossness.

Mr. Putz 

Crazy Michelle K. left last week but apparently she started banging Mr. Putz, a NOT smart crewmember, right before they started filming. Harrison tries to talk to Michelle about the drama and she refuses, saying she doesn’t need to talk to Chris because “he’s just the host”. I mean, she has a point.

After she left the show, Mr. Putz and Michelle met up in a hotel room. A staffer knocked on the door and Mr. Putz freaked out about getting caught. It was then that he decides his best course of action is to jump off the balcony of the hotel room, breaking both his feet. I mean… there’s no commentary needed. Truly. Ok one thing: Is there just a moment of clarity you'd have, lying in a mexican hospital with ghetto bandages on both feet, after having jumped from a balcony to avoid Bachelor in Paradise cameras, where you just wonder where life steered you wrong?

Chris Butt-something–ski 

Chris B walks up and they play Jaws music, which is funny considering his dumpy pants and long torso – it’s not like Jaws, really. He has a date card and decides after five minutes in the house to ask Clare, everyone’s favorite platonic date.

He takes her to the Mexican spa where THESE hands rub her down with oil, all sexual-like.

Meanwhile, back at the sex shack, Robert is bent out of shape because fifteen minutes ago Lacy was all over his hog, but now she’s decided to marry Marcus. The girl DOES change her mind on a dime. That’s fast, even for herpes-dise.

Speaking of herpes, Elise is chatting Dylan’s ear off about how she’s a Pisces so she likes water. You can just SEE it on Dylan’s face - It’s saying: I would kill myself if forced to listen to her for the next 50 years of my life. What was I thinking? However, Elise loves to talk to the camera about how she’s so in love with Dylan, how they’re meant to be and how they connect on so many levels. Ummm, ONE. You connect on ONE level and it’s the level of your vagina.

The editing makes everyone look like bigger assholes. As soon as she’s done telling the camera how much she loves Dylan, he says that every minute he’s hanging out with Elise is one less minute to meet other chicks. He basically tells her this to her face, and she tells the camera he’s just scared…thus beginning her serious, serious delusions about him.

Back on the date, Clare thinks perhaps Chris isn’t as bad as rumored. She says he seems like a nice guy. Very un-herpes like. In about three hours, she’ll change her mind.

Marcus Date 

Marcus takes Lacy out on his date and Robert is STILL talking about it. Lacy comments that it’s not too soon to consider a future with Marcus (YES IT IS) but she’s concerned because he just got out of a relationship with Andi (NO HE DID NOT). Apparently, they discuss it and it’s all good. They make a wish on some freaky shrine of candles and I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to blow them out. It’s not a birthday cake?

Back at the herpes hut, Elise is wasted and making out with gross Chris in the ocean. I hope sharks aren’t attracted to herpes like they are chum. If so, it’ll be like Jaws 5 here in a minute.

Next Morning 

Shockingly, Elise regrets her sluttiness. Continuing the delusion, she’s convinced her actions will only draw Dylan closer to her. She claims what they have is special and this is a turning point. YES. Yes, it is. Turning toward Valtrex and away from your crazy face…you nut.

She decides to tell Dylan about how busy her vagina has been, and he tells her this isn’t meant to be. She continues to think he’s just playing hard to get or something. Was I this stupid about boys in my twenties? This is amazing.

Zack from Desiree’s season is here and I have no idea who this is. I went back to my recaps of Desiree’s season and for four straight episodes, every time I mention Zack, I wrote in parenthesis (who the fuck is this?) So apparently there’s not much history. He seems cute.

Zack Date 

Zack chooses Clare for his date and they get the dreaded “culture” date of exploring the town. She claims to enjoy it though because she’s exploring her heritage. Say what? She thinks she’s 50% Mexican. I bet her mom once told her she’s half Canadian and half ‘Merican and she thought she said “Mexican” and has been running with it ever since.

She says this date is different than the other five she’s been on this week because there’s a romantic connection with him. She felt it in the ocean. Oh Clare. I get it and it’s funny but you have to know they’re going to edit you like an asshole, so just don’t say shit like that.

Back at the hotel, Elise continues to claim Dylan loves her but this is just a hurdle for their relationship. She is crazy delusional. Cray. Chris B. tells us he has nicknamed Dylan, “Fat Damon”. It’s not a bad nickname, but Dylan isn’t fat, he’s just that male-cheerleader-type of stocky. Chris B shouldn’t be bashing on other’s looks either, Freaky Long Torso Man.

Dylan Date 

Elise is frighteningly convinced Dylan will take her on his date, despite the fact he told her that he wouldn’t. He asks Sarah who annoyingly tells him she’ll think about it. That’s so annoying. She talks to Elise, I fall asleep just for a second, Sarah tells Dylan she’ll go, they go out to eat, they come home, the end. Wow that was boring.

Ben Drama 

Ben has a girlfriend back home. This chick CANNOT be smart because she just let him go on Bachelor in Paradise? Anyway, she wrote him a love note, Ben stuck it in his backpack and Marcus found it…and by “found it”, I mean, the producers gave it to him. He shows Marquel, they confront Ben, Ben admits he loves chick back home and decides to leave. What’s funny is that if any of these chicks liked him, he would’ve been on them in a heartbeat.

Michelle Money is oddly torn up about the whole thing, presumably because he took the place of another guy who would be there for the RIGHT FUCKING REASONS. I hate this show.

Cocktail Party 

I love how Chris Harrison comes in and stirs shit up: “Doesn’t that whole Ben thing remind you why dating totally sucks?” Michelle comments how she has great, open communication with Marquel. Apparently it’s over-communication. Marquel needs to shut UP.

Marquel: Hi Michelle. You look hot. Also, you drink too much.
Michelle: I do NOT. Do I? Wait, no. Wait, I do. No I do NOT.
Marquel: I actually have a list of shit I don’t like about you.
Marquel: Don’t worry, I have a list of things I like, too.
Michelle: The list of shit I hate about you starts with those fucking Napoleon Dynamite glasses. You are not cool enough to pull that off.
Marquel: Back to you. What is that shit on your forehead?
Michelle: I hate you, but I think you’re my only hope this week.

Dylan tells Elise he doesn’t like her and if she gives him a rose he won’t accept it. OK He bounces around it a little nicer than that, but the message is clear. Clear-ish. Clear enough, people. But she claims he’s sending mixed signals. Ummm, not entirely. If he’s sending mixed signals, they’re mixed between totally hating you and hating you a little.

Rose Ceremony 

Girls are giving out roses this week. Here you go:

-Lacy gives her rose and gigantic boobs to Marcus
-AshLEE gives her rose and crazy to Graham, who barely wants it
-Clare gives her rose to Zack and his connection
-Michelle oddly gives her rose to Marquel. Huh?
-Elise tries to give her rose to Dylan. As discussed, he says no. She says:

I want to thank Dylan because I am a woman. I need 100% and a man to fight for me. I thank you, Dylan. Life has ups and downs, you guys. I am like a little baboon. You guys, I will fight for my right to ocean bang. The stock market is up, the wind blows. I am just a rose, with thorns. Thank you, Dylan, peace to all, and to all a good night. Chris, do you want my rose?

Ummm NO, says Chris. But yes. Thanks?

Sarah totally pusses out and gives her rose to Robert instead of Dylan, who I think she liked? Probably doesn’t want to piss off Elise. Also, let’s be honest, Sarah and Dylan didn’t stand a chance. So if one or two people get voted off each week, and one or two new people come each week, then this shit could hypothetically go on forever? That would be AMAAAAAZING.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise – Should I watch or not? I’m 80/40.

I bet this entire series is a set-up social experiment…for US, the viewers, to see just how shitty a show can be and still draw in millions of viewers. Like me. Because I tell ya people, I was SUCKED into this shit.

First of all, what a fucking fuck fest. My god. Second, what a T and A fest. My god. Lastly, what a showcase of somewhat-hot, stupid people. My. God.

Herpes-Dise Cast

Clare, 33, Juan Pablo’s Season 
My initial notes on Clare said “Skank-o-Rama”. However, after watching this show, she is not only one of the more normal ones, but one of the smartest. As a friend said, when Clare is the intellectual anchor of the group, we're in trouble. Clare tells Chris Harrison that she “has been focusing on getting back to being Clare.” Ohhh maybe not the best idea. Maybe we should’ve worked on NOT being so Clare? Juuuust kidding.

Marcus, 25, Andi’s Season 
He just came off a tough breakup, but “hopefully this will help”. By tonight, you’ll be deep inside three chicks, so YEAH, at least you’ll be distracted.

Sarah, 27, Sean’s Season 
 “I was insecure about having one arm, but now I’m not.” She adds, “As a matter of fact, I own this shit. I will beat your stupid ass over the head with my stump if you fuck with me. DEAL with it.” And you know what? She ain’t lying. She showed a considerable amount of sass this episode.

Marquel, 27, Andi’s Season 
“His outfit was on point”, said someone. Ummm NO, no it was not. He looked like a rodeo clown. Suspenders in Mexico? OK?

Daniella, 25, Sean’s Season 

Graham, 35, Deanna’s Season 
At 35 years old, he’s like the Betty White of this show. Can he get older? Yes, I recognize I’m 39 and most of my friends are saying, “I can’t believe they think he’s old at 35.” For this franchise, he is old as fuck. And he’s been on these shows for a goddamn decade, my god. Also, he’s totally normal, kind, sweet and hot. How is he still single?

Lacy, Juan Pablo’s Season 
Calling her boobs “big” is like saying Acapulco is “kind of” dangerous. Her boobs are friggin ginormous. And they’re real, I think, cause they’re kind of bouncy.

 No comment.

Ben, 30, Desiree’s Season 
He was a total douche bag on Desiree’s season, but he had about six lines this entire episode.

Michelle K, 30, Jake’s Season 
This chick is not only the craziest thing to see this franchise in awhile, but she is CREEPY. I don’t want to write anything mean about her, actually. She’ll find me. So yes, Michelle K is beautiful and so sweet.

Robert, 31, Desiree Season 
No clue.

Dylan, 26, Andi’s Season 
He looks way better with the short hair, but there’s still something not quite right. Like he MIGHT beat you up if you interrupt his football game?

Elise, 28, Juan Pablo’s Season 

AshLEE, 33, Sean’s Season 
She is not only completely psycho but she has NO qualms in readily showing it. She truly has no idea why it’s psycho to say, “I had already planned for us to run off into the sunset together” after meeting someone 18 hours prior.

Harrison then explains to the gang that this week, there is one more girl than guy. So each guy gets a rose at the end of the week to give out. The girl left without a rose, goes home. Oh and just for kicks, there are some date cards given to the girls this week, and that girl decides which guy goes with her on the date. Oh and next week, it switches and the girls hand out roses. That’s right, I just spent a paragraph explaining the rules.

They head to their vacation house/hotel and it’s open and fun, but also very….MEXICAN. It’s like a giant decorated sombrero in there.

Sarah comments that, “Lacy is comin’ in hot”, and I have to say its on-point. Lacy is used to those tatas getting her some attention and she will make SURE she walks away from this Herpes-dise with more than just a sexually transmitted disease. She is ON IT, people. She immediately attacks Marcus, then Robert. When both of those guys go out on dates at the same time, she completely freaks out. “I don’t know how to function longer than three minutes without a man fondling my breasts!!! HELP!”

Dylan and Elise head to the ocean where I want to run up to them and take their glasses away from them. People! That shit will shatter in your fucking face. Be responsible! My goodness, are we 22 here?

Clare Date 

Clare picks Graham for the first date – a date in the ruins, puke. Graham is the only one who would ACTUALLY appreciate it, so good choice. However, AshLEE freaks the fuck out. This chick is dangerous crazy. I mean, we’re talking less than 24 hours of knowing him and she is CRYING, saying under her breath, “He couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours. And he’s not here for me obviously.” I mean, bitch! You crazy! No, he’s not there for you. He’s here, like the other guys, to look at Lacy’s tits. Get over it.

Clare talks to the raccoon, who convinces her to take Robert instead. Also can I just say how fucking stupid the bachelor producers are? She’s talking to someone and they edit it to make it look like she’s talking to the raccoon, just to make her look like an asshole. I mean, it’s great, don’t get me wrong, but give me a break.

So yes, she decides to bow to the crazy bitch and takes Robert on the date instead. Ummm, how pissed is Graham? And how awesome does Robert feel, Mr. Sloppy Seconds?

So Clare is fun and normal-ish here, minus the whole “vista” debacle of course. They claim this is “amazing”. Ummm, except for all the fucking ants biting you? No thanks. Where’s the yacht date please? Culture shit is dirty.

Sarah Date 

Sarah takes Marcus on her date, which is aiming high, so I’ll give her that. They head to a cavern thing with a lagoon thing. They swim and she straight-up makes the first move. It’s awkward city, as she says, “I WANT to jump in, but I want to kiss you first.” He’s all…..ok?

Back at the sombrero, Michelle Money walks in the door and she also has been around the Bachelor block, but I dig her cause she’s normal. Until she complains about her old age and stretch marks and then busts out her models’ body. Lady, shut up. Also, she needs to seriously seriously chill OUT on the makeup. Good gravy.

Michelle has a date card and takes Marquel after deciding that’s her best bet of getting a rose. I mean, after realizing she’s totally into him? Whatevs.

Before they leave on the date, we see AshLEE apologize to Graham and I will tell you this: It does NOT help her crazy-case.

Michelle Date 

This date doesn’t deserve it’s own heading. I have nothing to say, except for the fact I think he’s wearing a seashell shirt and I’ve never seen a human being so uncomfortable on a horse before. Also, if she’s worried about HER body, I need to lock myself away in a box. Whoa.

Back at the hat, Lacy is in a pickle because she’s already promised her vagine to both Robert and Marcus. So who to choose for her date? She’s 80/40. Makes total sense because she’s 80 to one guy, 40 to the other, which puts her 20 over. That’s for her boobs. I know that makes no sense, sorry.

Lacy Date 

The 80 minus 20 wins and she takes Robert (?). What the hell is her hair doing? It’s like a fat old bun. Like her big boob on her head.

Rose Ceremony/Cocktail Party 

Two girls are going to go home, because now that Michelle Money is there, there are two more girls than guys. Crazy Michelle K. interrupts the rose ceremony to leave because she knows damn well she ain’t getting a rose. Then the guys give out roses:

-Marquel gives it to Michelle, who looks like Marie Antoinette.
-Graham gives it to AshLEE because as Sarah so perfectly describes, “If he doesn’t give it to her, he’ll get his balls chopped off.” Damn straight.
-Dylan gives it to Elise, who claims she already loves Dylan. WHY WHY WHY so much crazy? -Marcus gives it to Lacy, in a move to show her that he wants her vagine STAT.
-Robert gives it to Clare because quite frankly, Lacy already has a rose.
-Ben gives it to Sarah. Not sure why? Because Daniella was option B and nobody knows who she is.

So next week looks good because apparently crazy Michelle K. was hooking up with the son of the hotel owner. I made that up. But it looks a little dramatic, so that’s fun. See you then, peeps.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - Oh Nicky. Not cool.

Nick! You dick. More on that later.

Nick Meets the Dorfmans 

The Dorfman family scores a free trip to the Dominican Republic. Nick gets totally dressed up to meet Andi’s family, complete with a baseball-type jersey and forgetting to brush his hair. But he wins points by bringing mom flowers and dad alcohol. To which sister replies, “What the fuck? Am I chopped liver?”

Ah yes, Andi’s dad, Hy. You can tell Andi got to him and begged him not to be an asshole. He was stoic, but mostly nice-ish. Nick thanks Andi’s mom for raising the most wonderful girl he’s ever met. He then adds on, “Did I mention she is a panther in the bedroom? I mean, WOW!”

Do I have to keep writing here? It’s all the same shit. He kisses ass, telling everyone how much he loves her, he’s a bit awkward, asks for Hy’s blessing to propose, etc. All in all, he seems to genuinely like Andi a LOT but is an emotional mess…Also, I need sister Rachel to STOP playing with her goddamn hair.

Josh Meets the Dorfmans 

I bet Josh makes the worst first impression ever. I mean, he’s totally smiley and nice, but he’s much more outgoing and way less pussy-like than Josh, so I bet he comes across as this cocky athlete-type.

There’s a lot of the same shit, asking how much he loves her, blaaaaah. Josh and Hy are dressed the exact same, which is weird.

Last Date with Josh 

Again, Josh gets the yacht date. Lucky bastard! They hang out on a yacht, make out in the ocean and talk about…well not much. Josh says to the camera, “I have an unconditional love for my family and I feel that way about Andi – Even stronger, actually.” Ohhhh Josh’s mama is NOT going to be pleased about that. And I am NOT pleased about his red pants.

They go sit on a sofa later where they talk about…nothing. They laugh and make out a lot. He gives her a personalized baseball card and I bet my hat the producers gave that to him to give to her. It’s actually a little funny so nice work, Producers, I mean, Josh. At least it’s not a fucking scrapbook.

Last Date with Nick 

That’s a lot of blue he’s wearing! Blue on blue on blue. They go off-roading, otherwise known as on-roading in a Jeep. The passion is off the charts with these two, as Andi says, “Nick makes me think deeply.” THAT sounds fun.

They have a picnic at some lagoon and I’m SURE there are no snakes or scorpions in there at ALL. I mean…are you people crazy? And not in a million fucking years would I go swimming in that lagoon. I’m sure it’s infested with that parasite that swims up your penis hole.

When they later sit on a sofa, he’s so friggin unattractive. I mean, stop the mumbling and the nervousness. He seems like a super insecure teenager. All he’s looking for is reassurance. She even tells him that he needs to stop overanalyzing and to turn his brain off. How annoying would it be to be married to THAT? Let’s ignore the fact that’s TOTALLY me and I’m sure my husband would like to turn my brain off daily.

He gives her a sand-filled necklace, which is sweet, sort of, but totally unusable. Would you EVER actually wear that? In Andi’s words, STOP. You pussy.

Andi comments that she loves her physical connection with Josh but there’s an intellectual connection with Nick. There is so much wrong with this. First of all, would you like to be married forever, to the guy who you have zero fun with, but can talk about politics with? Or would you like to be married to Josh where you don’t talk about shit, but laugh a lot and roll around naked together. Hmmm. Wait, this is actually a hard decision.

Neil Lane visits the guys…oh wait, just Josh 

Neil Lane also gets a free vaca to the Dominican Republic where he is dressed in his Neil Lane uniform. Do you think he was mad his airtime was cut in half? Josh picks out a ring…Nick hears a knock on his door’s Andi, not Neil Lane. Dum dum DUM!

Do you think he saw Neil Lane leave Josh’s room and he was like, “Hey. Hey! I’m over here! Why are you getting in your car??!”

Andi pops into Nick’s room and you can see the horror on his face. He knows this isn’t good news. She dumps him, telling him something didn’t feel right and it’s clear they shouldn’t be together. She mentions some other crap, but here starts the recurring theme of Nick: He’s just mad that she gave him reassurance when it was really empty. He’s mad at the public humiliation factor. Why did she say things? Why did she look at him that way? Why did she ride him in the fantasy suite until sunrise? He says she took it too far.

He gets a ride to the airport in the Bachelor-hired car. He complains, mostly about the fact he was so confident and she blindsided him.

Josh Proposes 

Why are his pants and jacket so tight? Did the humidity make him expand? Good lord! He’s still hot though. He walks out to Andi and is sweating his balls off. He tells her when he gave up his first love, baseball, he knew there was a bigger love out there. Oh lord, her whole life is about to become a baseball metaphor. When she’s giving birth: “Andi, hit this one out of the park!” etc, etc.

He goes on and on and on. He finally stops and she tells him that she’s madly in love with him too. And that he’s the one she wants to spend the rest of her baseball days with. Good lord, get this guy a bottle of water!

After the Final Rose 

This could just be called the Nick special. What happened next with Nick…well, he went home and was super pissed he wasn’t chosen. I do believe he was heartbroken, yes, but 90% of his sadness stems from the fact he feels he was led on and humiliated on TV. He’s mostly just annoyed that he THOUGHT he would be the winner. We follow him all the way back to Milwaukee so we can see him ponder Andi sadly in a market, overlooking a river, etc.

He goes back to the Men Tell All taping and tries to get her to talk to him. She refuses. Couldn’t they just have asked her before he flew all the way out there? That seems like a waste of money.

Out on stage, Chris talks to Nick about how that was actually his second attempt at trying to talk to her. She refused him that time too. Nick AGAIN says how he felt so blindsided because she gave him so many reasons to be confident (One reason – she gave him her vagine.)

Andi comes out on stage and for trying to talk to her for three months, he doesn’t have much to say. He’s sad, he’s uncomfortable, but as we’re about to find out, his pride is just hurt that he was overly-confident and got shit on. He drops the bomb, “If you weren’t in love with me, then why did you make love to me?”

GASP! Wait, does this fucking woman have minions on her nails?

He adds on, “That night was fiancé type of stuff.” Soooo, he’s a single dude in Chicago – am I honestly supposed to believe that he’s never had sex with anyone that he wasn’t in love with? Every woman he’s been with has been almost his fiancé? I’m far from a slut, but please, I’ve had sex with a dude that I don’t think I’ll marry. Sometimes it’s just fun and you’re drunk. Maybe I am a slut…

Perhaps Nick has only had sex with one other woman (his past ex-fiancé) because he truly believes that you don’t have sex with anyone unless you’re about to marry them. Maybe he’s truly pious and way less slutty than I am. But I just doubt it, so chill out Nick. Therefore, I chalk this move up to asshole-ness. She humiliated him (in his eyes) by making him think he was the one and then dumping him on TV. That’s embarrassing (to him). So he wanted to humiliate her. True, she had opportunity to talk to him in private – maybe if she did that, he wouldn’t have said that on National TV. Either way, his ego was bruised and I think he was kind of a dick here. Bottom line: He’s got major crazy potential, and he’s a bit of a prick.

Also, she was PISSED. I love how Andi gets pissed and if she’s pissed at you, you’re done. She’ll never talk to your ass again. She was fuming.

Bachelor in Herpes-dise Promo 

Please, people, this shit looks incredible. I’ll be there next Monday, for SURE.

Josh and Andi 

Of the hour long special, Andi and Josh are together on stage for three minutes. He’s got something in his eye and won’t stop poking at it. They’re happy together and have been sneaking around Atlanta together. I thought he lived in Miami now? Also, between Josh, Andi and Nick, it’s teeth-o-rama on this show. Wow.

Chris Harrison makes fun of Andi’s frownie face, which I appreciate she readily admits to. They bring out grumpy cat and oddly, throw that shit on her lap. Can someone get this cat off me? This dress is expensive. Thaaaanks.

So that’s all for this season. Good stuff, peeps. See you next week, people. Herpes-dise!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap – Men Tell All and an Ultrasound

First of all, I cannot even begin to thank all my cyber friends for all the amazing love and support I received last week after letting everyone know about my mom’s cancer diagnosis! I received tons of comments, emails, tweets, etc. It was just such a wonderful surprise and it made me realize why I still do this. It’s becoming harder to write about this same shit show every week but I would miss you guys if I stopped. Truly – thank you for your support.

Quick colon cancer update since so many people have asked. I’m down here with mom in Southern California (I live in Northern California for those who don’t know). She’s hanging in there, but clearly not her lively self. After some tests and scans they found the cancer has not spread past her colon, which is amazing, amazing news. Surgery soon and we’re hoping that’s it. But she’s been sick so we’re not sure how this will all go, if they’ll find something else unexpected, and how she’ll handle surgery. So we’re not out of the woods but all indications say that the cancer is totally treatable.

Onto the Men Tell All. I’m busy with Mom so this will probably be short and sweet which is fine considering there isn’t too much to discuss. This show could definitely be one hour.

JP and Ashley 

These two are back…She is not only pregnant but has the biggest boobs I’ve seen in awhile. And on full display, yowzers! The fact that they tore a hole in her dress to do a live ultrasound on a Bachelor special tells me just how low this franchise will go. Don’t get me wrong, I was mesmerized but at one point, my mom yelled, “What the fuck are they doing??” So I know I’m not alone in thinking that was a little bananas. Also, that took awhile. I bet the ultrasound guy couldn’t find a penis or vagina on that thing but was terrified to say it. That would not have gone over well with producers. So he says, “Uhhh it’s a…boy?”

Before we meet the guys, there is a Bachelor in Paradise preview, which I have to say…looks Amazing. AMAZING. They’re doing a good job in selling it – I definitely want to see it. I tell my mom this. She replies, “Oh good lord, Jennifer….is Castle on now?”

The Guys 

Har har you’re all wearing scarves. Also, Dylan looks WAY better with that mane under control. Other things to note: Three guys are wearing red pants, and annoying Marquel has a cookie on his lapel. Dork.

They talk about the “blackies” incident for twenty minutes. Seriously, that was overkill. They’re just trying to give Marquel some airtime so he can get some fan support so he’ll be the next Bachelor. The show came under fire for not having enough diversity a couple years ago, so clearly they want Marquel to be the FIRST African American bachelor. However, he’s on Bachelor in Paradise this summer, and a friend of mine made the good point that you give up your Bachelor card if you’re on Bach Pad. Excellent point. So we’ll see. In the meantime, I just wish they’d shut the hell up about this.

After we hash out this fight forever, Marquel now gets in the hot seat. Uh, why? He didn’t even kiss her, he wasn’t close to the end, sooooo they must be giving him a Bachelor audition here. Oh wait, no, he just had cookies to hand out.

Marcus is now in the hot seat. Here are my notes from this part. “He cried a lot when he got kicked off. He’s now on Bachelor in Paradise.” Clearly, it was a riveting segment. He just failed HIS Bachelor audition.

Now the farmer is in the hot seat. He’s pretty hot…I THINK I could handle him naked on top of me. Anyway, this chick in the audience was so planted there. Give me a break. So some random girl asks to meet Chris, come up and sits next to him. Chris Harrison tells them to have a speed date during the commercial break. What if, when they came back, Farmer and random chick were making out and he was rubbing her boobs? That would’ve been awesome.


Have I ever said that I actually think Andi has decent taste in clothes? Most of these bachelorettes are so tacky but I like her stuff… with the HUGE exception of those camel toe pants. This dress tonight is awesome…a bit fancy for this, but whatever. Also, did she get a boob job? Also, if I sat on that sofa in that dress, my thigh cellulite would be all squished and puckered against itself. Attractive, I know.

Why does this random pro golfer keep talking?

Nobody says anything interesting. Lie detector results come out and we find out Dylan was a big liar, saying he prefers brunettes (liar) and is ready for marriage (liar. And no shit.) Josh also lied but Andi AGAIN says she doesn’t want to hear it. Why not? He’s not even there. Screw trust – go get the goods.

Bloopers are the best always, but even these aren’t amazing. Is it the cancer shitting on my sense of humor? It’s not that funny, amiright?

Next week is the finale and we see a quick review of Josh and Nick. They play the whole thing like Nick is all crazy dog (“SHE WILL BE MY WIFE. SHE WILL.) And Josh is the one she really likes but maybe he’ll hurt her. What to do, Andi? What to do…I’m rooting for Joshie only because he’s waaaaaay hotter.

I’ll see you next week for the finale, hopefully. And then onto Bachelor in Herpes-dise.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap and Colon Cancer? Say What?

So here’s the scoop. My mom was diagnosed with colon cancer last week. Needless to say, it’s been a shitty five days. I am also now sick as a dog since I’ve been crying and not sleeping… and the fact my kids are sick too and they like to cough RIGHT in my face probably didn’t help. All of this means I’m not writing a Bachelorette recap this week. Let’s face it – this show is the same goddamn thing every week and I’ve been blogging for seven years or so? So it’s safe to say that I’m finding it hard to say funny things anymore, and this week of course, it is near impossible to be funny.

 However, I still watched the show. I like the damn show. It’s ridiculous and it’s no secret it’s my guilty pleasure. I own that. It was a good escape last night. So I watched it and though I don’t have the energy to recap the entire show, I will list some of my favorite parts from last night. Here goes:

- Jury is back: I do NOT want Nick on top of me naked and I DO want Josh there.
- Boys who scrapbook immediately leave sexy zone. Those drawings were pretty good though.
- Nick says “like” way too much. Like, WAY too much. It’s super annoying. He sounds like he’s 12.
- Exploring the city date = short end of the stick
- Josh tells the camera how much he loves Andi and that he’ll give her unconditional love and support, and that he’ll always protect her and trust her. No really, I love him. I’m not saying they’d last forever, but I dig him right now.
 - Of course they give Farmer the horse date.
- Chris tells Andi his favorite part of his hometown date was when “you just hopped on my lap and went to town.” So THAT could be misconstrued.
- The real reason she cancelled Chris’ fantasy suite date was because her vagina was bruised from all that horse riding. And from Josh and Nick the nights before. Mostly Josh, probably.
- She likes Chris and knows he’s the best guy there with the best family, but she’s not feelin’ it. She doesn’t want him in her vagine. She wants to want it, but she doesn’t. Buh Bye Chris. I LOVE him. But don’t sweat it, America – I’d bet my hat he’ll be the next Bachelor.
- Could the rose ceremony be ANY further from the car?
- Guaranteed the producers made Andi do the rose ceremony. “We did NOT spend five thousand dollars making this wood platform on the ocean so it goes to waste.”
- I had to dive under my couch after she gave both Nick and Josh roses and then they all just stand around…and talk about love and the fact she banged both of them within the previous 48 hours. I mean, STOP. (see what I did there?)

Next week is Men Tell All and the next Monday is the finale. I’m mildly interested to see how it all goes down, but I am extremely excited for Bachelor in Paradise. I mean, have you seen previews? The cast? Good shit, people. See you next week, hopefully. I’m playing it by ear.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - Soooo many damn siblings

I’m tired.

Milwaukee with Nick 

We start in Milwaukee, Wisconsin with Nick and his big ass family. They start with a tour of the Milwaukee public market. Nick says, “I like spending time here.” That’s weird. Don’t you say, “I like going here” or “I like buying cheese here.” To say “spending time here”, feels like he comes and does Tai Chi outside of it.

They go to a brewery next. I feel like going to a brewery in Milwaukee is like going to Alcatraz if you live in San Francisco. It’s totally cool, but you don’t really do it. Then they polka dance, which is more like hopping. No real technique there.

Then they head to his parent’s home – the ULTIMATE Midwestern house. It’s exactly the house I grew up in, in Minnesota. And holy holy shit why are there so many kids? At least nine siblings right? I lost count. How is that even remotely manageable? Did this happen on purpose?

One of the sisters asks Nick if Andi makes him laugh. He pauses and says, “She just makes me smile.” So that’s not awesome.

Littlest sister Bella asks precocious questions, which is annoying. I mean…this mother. How can she have a 9 year old and a 33 year old? Is Nick the oldest? Isn’t that poor woman tired of mothering? I know it’s a blessing and the greatest job in life, blah blah blah. But you know what else is great? Having them grow up and traveling to Italy alone with your husband.

Andi asks Bella if she’d take her as a sister. She responds, “Quite honestly, there’s enough fucking people in this family. Nobody even remembers to feed me. I haven’t been to school in three weeks because Mom forgot. She was sleeping. She’s really tired.”

To her credit, Nick’s mom seems totally sweet and normal. How is that POSSIBLE? Nick says his mom knows him better than anyone. I mean, she mixes him up with the other brothers, but COLLECTIVELY she knows them all, in a smashed together sort of way.

Anyway, I dig her and her pearls. She cries and tells Nick she wants him to be happy. THIS is a better Mom than me. I’d be all, “She has a frownie face! She’s totally crazy when you fight with her and won’t let you get a word in edgewise! My baby can do better! OK she’s totally hot and smart – there’s nothing wrong with her at all but nobody will love you as much as I do!!” Oh god I’m going to be a crazy mother-in-law.

Arlington, Iowa with Chris 

So now we know why a hot, normal, sweet guy like Chris is still single. He literally lives in the middle of fucking NOWHERE.

He drives Andi around in a tractor and I’m sure he has a massive boner. They have a picnic where Chris tries to brace her for her life as a housewife. She physically winces. She’s no Nick Mom. I hear ya, sister. He mentions she could be a lawyer in Cedar Rapids, which is 70 miles away. I googled it. So that’d be a fun commute. Plane flying an “I love you” message? Winner.

They meet his family – parents and three siblings. I get why French braid mom had four kids there – there was nothing else to do but procreate and they probably needed help with the farming work on all that goddamn land.

Here’s my take on Chris’ family. These people rock. I’d love to be surrounded by such fun, super normal, crazy people like this. They seem like the happiest, nicest friggin family ever. Mom is seriously the best. I want to reach through my TV and take her home. She needs a serious fashion intervention but shit, if I lived on a farm and never saw anyone but my kids and husband, I’d look that way too. Shit, I see hundreds of people every day and I barely shower three times a week.

The sisters love Chris and tell Andi how amazing he is. My brother would never say anything like this about me. His mom takes Andi aside and tells her she loves her and wishes her good luck on her decision. She adds, “I guess your life depends on it.” I love that shot of drama! Wow mom!

These awesome, fun people play ghost in the graveyard. I don’t know this game but I want to play it with these people. I bet they get wasted. These are MY people! I want to marry Chris. I sense Andi loves them as much as I do, but doesn’t love Chris quite as much. Anyway, that’s about it.

Tampa, Florida with Josh 

They head to a baseball field, despite the heavy trauma it inflicts on Josh to see baseballs. They play around a bit and then head to his family’s house because CLEARLY this family has an unnaturally close bond. They need to get OUT of each other’s pants, my god.

Hot little brother Aaron is about to be drafted to the NFL and the whole fucking family is obsessed with it all. Obsessed. I get it, let’s be excited for him – that’s pretty awesome. But a little balance seems in order. Andi is worried (RIGHTFULLY SO) that if she married Josh, life would be all about Aaron’s football games and all about doing shit with his family ALL THE TIME. If Andi wanted to take the kids to Disneyland it probably wouldn’t be allowed unless Aaron and the whole family went. Yes, Andi, when you’re married your new little family becomes the priority but I have a feeling Josh’s family will disagree with that one. Good luck there.

Andi tries to chat with Mommy about it and mom says, “I don’t see Josh cutting the cord.” Oh lady, you’re in for a rude awakening. Josh will, in fact, probably want to live with his wife and not you. Also? Josh’s mom is hot and looks younger than me.

She talks to sisters, the dad, Aaron and it seems like they’re REALLY hammering home the whole “you’re marrying the family” shit. Although Mom eventually says to the camera, “When Josh gets married, his wife will be his priority”, although you can almost SEE her gritting her teeth.

Dallas with Marcus 

Marcus claims he’s going to take Andi through a day-in-the-life of Marcus in Dallas. So he takes her to a strip club…during the day…and strips for her. What the fuck? This is so uncomfortable. And I guarantee you it’s a Producer request. I’m so embarrassed. Am I under my sofa? Almost, but this one you just have to see unfold. It’s really bad.

We head to the incredibly uncomfortable family house where Andi meets Marcus’ mom, sister, brother, niece and nephew. By now, I’m over this family shit so I admit I zone out a lot here. I really love his brother – seems like a nice, normal dude. And he has a nice moment with Marcus, when Marcus thanks him for being like a Dad to him. Geez, this shit is deep and sad.

Marcus’ mom is downright terrifying. Perhaps it’s because I know she was super mean to them as kids, but it’s also the Russian in her. She reminds me of Bela Karolyi. To her defense, she seems nice and sweet, but just a little guarded. OK and terrifying.

Marcus ends the boring date by going waaaaay overboard on how much he loves her. Yikes.

Eric News 

Everyone is called to Chris Harrison’s house in LA and they all must be totally confused why they’re there. Chris tells everyone that Eric passed away and the guys are freaky quiet. Andi cries but holds it together – ish. Then when the camera gets put on the ground, yet still conveniently filming, she loses it, saying, “I can’t believe that was my last conversation with him.” It’s all incredibly sad – seriously, what a loss.

Rose Ceremony 

OMG they're exactly the same.

24 hours later, they’re back at the mansion for the rose ceremony. Andi chats with Chris and it’s all so friggin sad. She’s struggling with the news and the makeup people are struggling to reapply 100 times since she keep messing up her evening eyes. She finally makes it to the rose ceremony. Oh wait, she’s gone again. Now she’s back. Roses go to:

-Josh – Traumatic baseball past. So hot. His family will insist on living in Josh and Andi’s basement.
-Chris – Hot farmer. Sweet. Perfect. Nice family. Only drawback is the fact he lives in the middle of fucking nowhere.
-Nick – Overly confident. I’m torn on him – the guys hate him but he cries and seems to love Andi. What the hell? Is he crazy?

So Marcus is sent home, which wasn’t too shocking after National Russian Gymnastic Team feeling of his hometown date. But it’s still sad – Marcus is totally torn up, saying, “I saw a future with you and that’s the hardest thing - letting go of that.” Ugh that does suck. Poor Marcus. In the limo, he says, “I feel like an idiot.” Oh lord, you don’t even know what that means until you see yourself in that strip club.

Next week, the kids are off to the Dominican Republic for some fantasy suite action. See you then, kids.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - The Dry Hump Episode

This week there are two one-on-one dates and one group date but there is only a rose on the group date oh my god I don’t give a shit about this show anymore. Andi’s frownie face is also wearing on my last nerve. And I keep waiting for someone to express a concern again and then she gets all pissy pants and shuts down. She’s fun.

Six guys left, we’re in Belgium and this entire episode is about Nick’s over-confidence and the guys’ gay scarves.

Marcus Date 

Marcus and Andi walk around town. At least an hour of this episode is walking around town. Eating chocolate. And watching animals. We could do an hour show, people. Don’t need two. At a café, Andi asks Marcus if he’s been journaling. Sigh. I’m sorry, I’m sure journaling is healthy or artistic or some shit, but it’s just a bit of a turn off for me. I want a guy in touch with his feelings but don’t be THAT in touch.

Marcus comments it’s the first day he feels like Andi is his girlfriend. It’s pretty accurate. Yup, whenever I would go on a date with my boyfriend, I go home alone and dry hump a different dude against a tree.

They eat dinner alone in a fancy palace, and I mean, how many goddamn palace dinner dates can you do in one season? She asks about his family and I’m thoroughly confused. It SOUNDS like his mom beat him. But yet they’re totally friends now? Sure, I’m down with forgiveness, but I just can’t get my head around a child-beater. I’d have a tough time with that lady as my mother-in-law.

She calls Marcus a real man and they dry hump against a wall. The end.

Nick Rendezvous 

Marcus comes back to the guys’ hotel room and Nick doesn’t like the fact he was feeling up his lady. So he heads to the front desk where he is not only given Andi’s room number but also a key. Note to self: Security is horrible at the Grand Schweistsenmeiner hotel. For real, how fucking stupid are the producers? They think we buy this shit? Front desk lady would never do that, especially since Nick looked like a shady child molester asking for her room key.

Dylan pony tail NO.

Back to Nick – he goes to Andi’s room where they both claim their hearts are racing. Ewww. She claims Nick is breaking rules, but that’s not true. If he was breaking a rule, the producers wouldn’t let him do it. It’s not like they don’t know it happened. Can you tell I’m ornery about this show?

As she gets felt up against a tree, she voiceovers that her relationship with Nick is all about passion. It’s mentally, physically, emotionally passionate. Shut up. You want to get in his pants, but there is no such thing as mental passion. Idiots.

Josh Date 

This entire date, no really – the entire date – is Andi saying over and over again that she needs Josh to tell her how he feels. He’s holding back. I wish he was more open. She literally says it thirty times. WE GET IT. Maybe he’s not feeling it? Or maybe he’s just not a total pussy and doesn’t want to spill his heart when he knows your vagina is on vacation with three other dudes in Belgium.

Of course, it’s probably why she likes him. He’s the challenge. The inaccessible one. Seriously, girls are so annoying.

They start the date by…wait for it…walking around town! Nothing to report. He’s hot though. They head to dinner in a…wait for it…fancy castle. She comments he hasn’t opened up. Maybe if you pipe down and stop leaving the date to bitch to the cameras about his lack of opening up, he might open up.

He finally says he’s falling in love with her and she beams like she’s just been told she won the lottery. Now she’ll probably decide to stop liking him. Girls, sheesh.

They enjoy a concert by two people I’ve never heard of. They make out in smoky light. Par for the course, Bachelor-style. The end.

Group Date 

The group date is for Nick, Brian, Chris and Dylan. They get out of the city to explore Le Ruins de Brussels. It’s not really called that. Three things to note here: Dylan took his ponytail out, everyone hates Nick and Andi likes tight pants.

Nick bitches again about group dates. Those dates are not miserable because of the other guys, but because they have to do humiliating things and sweaty physical activity. I’d be super pissed if I had to ride that rail bike thing.

Dylan comments the Ruins de Brussels have stood the test of time. Ummm, not really. They look pretty shitty and worn down to me. He then says, “I hope Andi and I’s relationship could also stand the test of time.” Way to bring it full circle, Dylan. Also, those ruins started out as a castle and now they are some rocks with grass on them. It’s actually quite an accurate way to describe the future of their relationship.

They head to a real working monastery. The only reason they allowed them to film there was if they promised not to kiss. Nick raises his hand: “Excuse me, Mr. Producer? Is actual penetration acceptable? Like Pretty Woman?”

Oddly, Chris and Andi do pottery and it’s almost an under-the-sofa moment. It is not at all sexual to rub your hands in wet clay. This is not Ghost in 1991. Then they have a clay fight. Totes sexual.

Nick spouts off about his confidence and the guys talk a lot of shit about him. Nick comments that if he gets the rose on this date, it’ll be her way of telling him that she loves him back. Ummm, or it’ll be her way of telling him that she likes him as much as three other guys and she’s currently dry humping all of you. But whatever makes you sleep at night, Nicky.

Of course, she gives the goddamn rose to Nick and America lets out a collective groan. He now thinks he’s got this in the bag. He says, “My confidence is at its peak.” Ewww.

Brian, Dylan and Chris have to go home early and they shove them into a little European van, clown-car style. There are a lot of bleeps. It’s not lookin’ good for these three. Also WHAT is that super gay green bracelet that Brian is wearing?

Back in the hotel, the guys are still bashing on Nick. He comes home and they yell at him a little bit. Same shit. They yell at him for strategizing, for being over-confident, untrustworthy and just annoying in general. I’m booooored. Also, Nick mumbles a lot. He says, “I can’t control how the guys think about me.” Ummm, yes you can. Don’t be a douche bag and they won’t think you’re a douche bag. Just a thought.

Cocktail Party 

It’s oddly clear to everyone that Josh and Marcus are getting two of the roses. The last one is between Chris, Dylan and Brian. I can tell Brian is out, but I’m torn between Dylan and Chris. I like both of them, but if it came down to who I want on top of me naked, which is of course the most important consideration of a husband, it would be Dylan, hands down. There’s something too soft about Chris… and Marcus, too.

At least Chris and Andi kiss sometimes, but Dylan and Andi seem to have no chemistry. He’s hot – why is this?

Rose Ceremony 

Andi, husband bowling

Nick already has a rose. The three others go to:

Josh – Super hot. He’s growing on me too. Mama like, mama like.
Marcus – Seriously heavy childhood baggage but I like him. But he seems a tad soft and quiet.
Chris – Farmer and seriously nice guy. I want him to date someone I know. Just not me. But I like him.

Therefore, Dylan and Brian are sent home. Dylan is heartbreakingly sad, crying, saying he deserves to fall in love. Ugh, this is sad. Next Bachelor? Brian is sad too, but he’s more pissed than sad. Next week looks ok – Chris tells Andi to be an Iowa housewife and they all learn about Eric’s death. Ugh, sad. Oh and Brian is afraid of pickles. See you next week, peeps.