Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Bachelor Recap - Nikki's on the rag

Juan P doesn’t look all that sad to leave Camila to bang chicks in Seoul, am I right?

Smitty tells the gals they’re heading to Seoul and they freak. I’m sure they’re excited but I know most are bummed it’s not Fiji. Or is that just me? Two group dates and one 1-on-1 date this week. In Seoul. Also, that group sticks out like a sore thumb in Seoul. Wow.


Group Date One 

The first group date is for Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat and Nikki. We learn pretty quickly that Nikki is on her period. What a crankster, geesh.

They meet up with Juan P and are told they get to meet 21, Korea’s biggest pop stars. Juan says, “They’re as big as the Spice Girls in America.” Ummm, does he mean Spice Girls in 1996 or current-day Spice Girls? There’s a difference, just sayin’.

In a nutshell - They meet the girls of 21, learn their dance, get dressed up in wacky clothes and perform with them on stage (at a mall concert). I know Kat is a dancer but she looks odd. It’s not super hot looking…just odd. Maybe I’ve been watching too much “So You Think You Can Dance” and my standards are too high? I can tell she’s been taught, obviously, but there’s something off. Dancers, weigh in here.

Nikki is Piss Pants McGraw. I mean, shut up, you super wet blanket. I get it – it would suck to be there and be the worst dancer. It would suck to have to dress up like an asshole and dance in front of lots of people. But just say you’re not a great dancer, but pretend to have fun. Haven’t you figured out that The Bachelor is all about pretending to be something you’re not? So work on that.

They head to the Korea Furniture Museum (naturally), for their after-party. Kat says there is more than just some good dance moves in her repertoire, so she hits Juan P with a good ol’ alcoholic parent story. Yikes! She spills all about her Dad’s seven DUI’s and how he never paid child support. But hey, her mom was great and totally made lemonade out of lemons. Yeeeeeah, I’m pretty sure those aren’t the words her mom would have used to describe the situation. Just a hunch.

Everyone comments how negative Nikki is and yup, I can see that. I blame the fact she has to work with kids all day…Nikki and Juan P talk and of course, she sounds much more normal and happier with him. She says she’s shy (say what?). When asked how she feels about kids and Camila, she says it’s something she’s ready to take on because she’s really good at changing diapers. Ummm, Camila is four. But thanks.

Juan P gives Nikki the rose and she is STOKED – see photo. She says she has butterflies and hopes this feeling lasts forever. Honestly, people, I can’t repeat myself again, but can someone out there edit America’s sex ed curriculum to cover this? YOU DON’T HAVE BUTTERFLIES FOREVER. Try to base your marriage decision on something else, pleeeease.

"I'm getting the rose. Suck it, Clare!"


Sharleen Date 

Intern! We haven’t had enough footage of naked Juan Pablo in the shower. Go make it happen!

Juan Pablo picks Sharleen up at the hotel and she’s wearing something totally inexplicable. Black shorts, I think, with black pantyhose (you heard me) and black chunky heels, JUST like the ones I borrowed from my college roommate in 1996 when I wanted to look SUPER cool. Anyway, they walk around a market and Sharleen says, “I feel like we’re on vacation together and we’re walking through a market.” Yeeeees, correct, that’s what you’re doing. They have tea where Sharleen explains to Juan P that he is not bland, like interesting food. What the fuck is happening here?

Sharleen is starting to fall for him, just like all the other lady drones. Ahhh, I don’t blame them. I might too. I’m not saying I’m dumb enough to marry the guy, but at 25, I would have been all over that shit. And maybe also at 38.

He sticks her in a courtyard and makes her sing opera, and Sharleen acts like she just gave him a blowjob. She’s flabbergasted they went this far on their first real date! Good lord, what is she going to do when he tries to stick it in her in two weeks?

They head to dinner where they chat about, I don’t know. Stuff. He then asks her how many kids she wants…insert record scratch. She says she’s never thought about kids…so she never said she didn’t want any kids but the Bachelor producers want to play up this whole thing. Stupid. She gets the rose.


Group Date Two 

Group date two is for Clare, Andi, Renee, Aliison, Lauren and Kelly. Did the dog not make it to Seoul?

They head out to explore the weird shit in Seoul and start with karaoke in a whorehouse. At least that’s what it looks like. They just all bounce up and down a lot. Then they take out paddleboats. Then they head to world famous “Dr. Fish Zone”. They stick their feet in the water and a whole bunch of disgusting little fish eat the dead skin off your feet. I almost can’t think of anything more nauseating. I’m certain I would freak out.

Clare begins to panic that she’s falling into the background and begins to show her crazy. This continues all night and unfortunately, I fear she’s a bit nutso. I liked her, but not anymore. I think she’s a bit too craze-balls. When Juan P makes everyone eat octopus, she enjoys squealing and being the center of attention. She’s bananas insecure. So unattractive, people.

They head to the after-party where Juan P claims he’s not going to kiss anybody tonight because he’s already kissed a lot and he doesn’t want his daughter to see that. Ummm, you were on the BACHELOR. You’re going to have a LOT to discuss regardless. He talks to Renee and Andi, and he doesn’t kiss them. They’re also normal. Have I mentioned this week how much I dig Renee? She’s so cute and normal. I want my husband to bring her home and be my sister wife.

Lauren. Oh Lauren…so much to discuss. First off, you need some bangs. Second, why why why why why did you try to kiss him? She throws herself on him so aggressively that the cameras almost miss it. Jesus lady. I guess it’s fine for a girl to make the first move, but…well, maybe it’s not. Just don’t bother – if he wants to kiss you, he would. But again, she was so obsessed with getting some reassurance for her insecure ass, that she does crazy things. (Yes, I was totally under my sofa by the way). I’m adding an insecurity section to my Bachelor class.

Juan P mentions that Lauren is upset and he feels horrible. He adds, “I’m also completely turned off.”

Not much else to add - Dog Girl Kelly is a total bitch and Clare is still crazy insecure. He gives the rose to Andi, which almost sends Lauren and Clare into a tailspin.


Cocktail Party 

Cocktail party highlights:

• Clare licks her lips a lot?
 • Nikki interrupts Clare and Juan P and the girls are pissed since she already has a rose. I mean, in 25 seasons, how many times have we seen this? Fast forward, TiVo.
• Clare tells Nikki that she’s rubbing people the wrong way because she’s one way around Juan P and another way arou...fuck it, you guys don’t care. Basically, a lot of catty shit.


Rose Ceremony 

Nikki, Sharleen and Andi have roses. The others go to:

Renee – my future lesbian wife.
Chelsie – normal-ish, but mental age is only about 17. Or 7.
Kelly – dog girl who turns out to be quite a bitch. But hey, she has her face on!
Danielle – who? Does she speak? She’s going home next week. I bet my rose on it.
Cassandra – soooo meek. But nice, I suppose. And holy shit so young.
Allison – who? She’s in the Vietnam airport limo next week with Danielle.
Clare – coming apart slowly at the seams. Nice gal, but it’s all unraveling people.
Kat – dancer who looked a little too spazzy. Kind of arrogant. Mother makes lemonade.

Which means Elise and Lauren head home. Elise is bummed and does an ugly cry. And what the hell is this about?


I'm not just talking about her outfit (although that too), but why are we all just watching her walk away?

Lauren just keeps saying, “Why did I DO that the other night?” I don’t know if she’s referring to trying to kiss him or greeting him on a piano bike.

Juan P tells the girls that they’re heading to Vietnam next week. Also, blog friends, I’m going to Mexico with nine of my best friends and no kids, so that’s where I’ll be next Monday. I’m not sure if the Bachelor is on in Cabo or if I’ll be too drunk to watch it anyway. And I’m not sure how awesome the Internet access is to watch it online the next day. So basically don’t be shocked if you don’t hear from me at all, or if the post is late, or if the post is on time but only contains drunken gibberish. Thanks for understanding but Mama gets a vacation. If you want to follow some of the Mexican debauchery, follow me on Instagram: jenfrase

Monday, January 27, 2014

The Bachelor Recap - Sean and Catherine's Sex-Focused Wedding

Wow, I have thoughts. I have thoughts…lots of them.

Let’s get started. This shit didn’t need to be two hours, by the way. We start with a look-back at their fairytale journey. Sean says, “Going into the Bachelor, I certainly didn’t think I’d find my wife.” Ummm, isn’t that the point? One could argue the point is to hump a lot of desperate women, but he doesn’t even DO that. So…


Road trip 

Sean, Catherine and a cameraman take a road trip to Dallas. You guys, these two can have fun ANYWHERE! “As a couple, we are so fun.” You know why? Because you’re so sexually repressed that you need to actually find shit to DO. So you eat rattlesnake and take selfies. Woo hoo.

Sean says, “We talked about it and decided to live separately until our wedding. It’s the right choice for us.” To which Catherine replies, “Honey, let’s clarify. It’s the right choice for YOU. I want to hump you so hard its ridic. I still cannot believe I agreed to this fucked up plan. Hold the phone, I have to live with a roommate? In Dallas? Seriously this is stupid.”

 Side note: please leave the honeymoon cam on please leave the honeymoon cam on


Soooo many wedding plans 

Sean and Catherine share the wedding date news with his family and then ask his Dad to officiate. He cries and is very touched. Sean then says, “And Dad, you’re just such an inspiration. Catherine and I would be honored if you joined us in the honeymoon suite after the wedding for just a few hours to help guide our first night making love and the various sexual positions we would like to explore.”

Back to live Smitty. He says, “One of the things that makes this so exciting is that they’re saving themselves for their wedding.” Smitty is WAY too excited about this, as is the entire Bachelor franchise. It is quite honestly, all they’re talking about. And it’s really more weird than exciting, because the entire planet now knows they had insane (yet probably completely disappointing) sex all night long.

Wedding planner, Mindy Weiss asks the ballsy question if they’re still saving themselves. In the real world, Catherine would say, “None of your fucking business”. But in Bachelor world, Catherine tells her ALL about it and Mindy says, “I have so much sex on my mind.” See? Gross.

This is when Catherine first mentions “Grown Sexy” and it’s horrifying. I get where she’s going but there are a hundred less-lame ways to explain this. How about…beautiful, feminine, gold. Why does it have to be, “Grown sexy, like sexy but in a grown up way, I’m coming out to Sean like a butterfly exposing itself, he owns me now, I’m obsessed with Sean in a very unhealthy way. Also, I like gold, like in Thailand.”


Dress/Lingerie Shopping 

They go dress shopping and it’s super boring except for the fact I would have loved to shop there for my wedding dress. Oy.

The producers make Sean go lingerie shopping. I mean, really, no way he would have done that on his own. Sean says to the lady that he’s looking for lingerie for the wedding night, honeymoon and beyond. Wedding night? Ok. Honeymoon? Maybe the first night. Beyond? No way. After this, it’s white cotton underwear with some spare dark granny panties for the period days.

The saleslady mentioning easy access is the first time I want to hide under the sofa. Sean likes the garter belt, which is super unselfish of him. Girls looove wearing heels all the time, especially in bed. It’s very natural and normal.

She looks shocked at his gift (and very very happy). The Bachelor producers play some sexy time music (classy as always) and Catherine says to the camera, “He is my soon to be lover. As his wife I’m going to treat him a lot. I’m going to let out my grown sexy on him. Like all over him – literally, my liquid grown sexy is going to be all over him. Yay!”

She is much more excited than he is about all the sex. She is also much more excited about the marriage in general. He says he loves her, but she says things like, “I’m obsessed with Sean”. I’m a little concerned this unbalance in affection may come between them. And the whole Jesus Christ thing. I’m fine with religion but it is a VERY big part of Sean’s life, clearly, and I’m not buying that it is for Catherine. Also, does this mean they won’t use birth control?


More wedding shit 

Sean and Catherine head to the florist. Mindy Weiss says, “I explained to him (the florist) the grown sexy concept and this is how he interpreted it. I mean at first he was like, what the fuck? What the fuck does that mean? But then he just said OK that’s stupid, how about roses?”

Catherine heads to the Jose Eber salon. She says, “Jose Eber gets the grown sexy concept and he’s really excited about it.” Umm, no he’s not. This I guarantee. She explained the whole thing, and I bet you a zillion dollars he left, walked up to his 19 year-old intern and said, “Client over there wants up-do number three.”

In a horrifying turn of events, Catherine decides to give Sean boudoir photos as a wedding gift. The virgin. The VERY prude-ish religious dude. Ok sure, Cat. Thank GOD they didn’t show it – I was already under one cushion in anticipation of that awkwardness.

Sean and Catherine check out their wedding rings. Sean says, “To me the ring represents a commitment to each other forever.” Ummm so yeah, that’s what it represents to everyone. Next, they sit down with Smitty for no real reason. When asked why she loves him, Catherine calls herself “Sean’s barnacle” because she’s always attached to him. For the same question, he says, “She’s loved me like nobody else has.” Anybody else see a problem here? For one, Catherine, shut the shit up. Chill out on the obsession talk. And I hope Sean loves her for reasons other than the fact she will never leave him.

When discussing the honeymoon suite, she says, “We’ll be here as husband and wife doing husband and wife things.” Ummm, like discussing the energy bill and deciding if you should change dishwashing detergent? And then fighting about why the goddamn garage still looks like a total shithole despite the fact Christmas was a month ago so why is there a wreath and a light-up snowman in the middle of the fucking garage? WHY is it there? Move it –it’ll take three goddamn minutes and NO I can’t do it because the snowman has sequins that get all over my hands and I hate that, and there are lizards in the garage, I’ve seen them. Plus it’s the garage and the garage is YOUR responsibility, you dick. Clean it.

Anyhoo, onto the wedding. Ahh, love.


Wedding 

Everyone attempts to set a new land speed record for aisle procession, until finally it’s Catherine’s turn, who looks like she’s shitting her pants. I dig the really strange choice of the bride processional song by two dudes with cellos, “Human Nature” by Michael Jackson. You heard me.

Get lazier. The only photo I bothered to take.


So Sean’s dad has the toughest role of all here. That’s a lot of crap to say, and to do it on TV is no joke. Good for you, Sean’s Dad. He gets a little scary with the obligations part of marriage but hey, I guess that’s true. Then they take a commercial break. For reals. While the wedding pauses for a moment of silence, except for Smitty blabbing in the background to us. Smitty, shut up! They’re getting married behind you. GEESH. Aaaand we’re back. And it’s time for the vows. It’s a lot to repeat so here are the Cliff Notes versions:

Catherine: Holy shit, I’m super obsessed with you. I will DIE without you. I love you so much that my heart is filled with love sprinkles. I am going to explode I love you so much. Either that, or I’m going to explode if I don’t have a penis inside me soon. I mean, for fucks sake. Anyhoo, I love you WAY TOO MUCH. Totes, your turn! Shoot. (giggle giggle)

Sean: Jesus Christ cannot be my wife so you will have to do. You are my friend. I love you.

Clay brings the rings over and I have two thoughts. Who is Clay and did he have peanuts in his pocket or something?

You’re married, kiss the bride, walk down the aisle, Sean is bawling. They kiss a lot and we’re done. We don’t get to see any of the reception, and I would have easily agreed to a two-hour reception if I could see Jef and Arie and all these wacky people get drunk. Oh well.

The credits roll as some cameraman is staked out near the honeymoon suite. Just sitting there. With sexy-time music playing…and a train rolls by. It’s all totally uncomfortable. Anyway, that’s it. Onto Juan P tonight peeps. See you then!