Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Bachelor Finale Recap – I Wish the Earth Would Suck Me

I’m so fucking confused. What a train wreck. And Nikki acts like a David Koresh disciple. Brainwashed much?

So WOW, there’s a lot to talk about. And honestly, it’s all so confusing that it’s just going to be speculation as to what this freakshow of a dude is thinking. Let’s get started.

We start in the studio with Smitty, hosting a live Bachelor viewing party with a bunch of middle-aged moms. I’m not knocking that – that’s me after all. Although I contend my clothes are more stylish. Anyway, I digress. Guess who else is there? Sean and Catherine, milking this Bachelor thing for all it’s worth. Why Chelsie and one-arm Sarah are there, is beyond me. Was that Brooks? Oh man, you know Desiree is so sad she has to go home with Chris instead of Brooks.


 I didn't make this, but I wish I did.


Clare Meets the Family 

Clare says she’s falling in love with Juan Pablo…so meeting his family “is huge to me” (That’s what she said. Sorry. That was dumb.) She walks in and greets the fam. She seems super awkward with Camila. And she even does this with her:


She is jazzed to tell them that she’s part Mexican! I bet she’s tried to hide that her whole life with her blond hair and refusing to learn Spanish. And now it’s like, “Hola! Mi nombre es Claire!”

Anyway, she chats with the family and learns that Juan Pablo is hyperactive and “saying things a bit rude.” I get the feeling his family doesn’t even like him that much.

Cousin Braces tells Clare that Juan Pablo is a crazy asshole who must be in control. He often fights with his ladies, and then he runs away, refusing to communicate about the issue at hand. Well, that was the gist of it, but he finessed the language a bit.

Juan Pablo’s dad clearly likes Clare more than Juan P does. He says his door is always open and that she’ll always have a father in him. I mean…I want to cuddle him! How sweet. That’s about it for this visit – everyone in the family warns her that Juan P is psycho but she manages to convince herself that he’s just passionate or something.


Nikki Meets the Family 

Camila looks almost as bored as I am. How much longer is there? Oh good, only two hours and 40 minutes.

Juan P’s dad warns Nikki about him, saying he’s not an easy guy. He’s stubborn, which is just code for asshole and controlling. Nikki tells Juan P Senior that she wants to have a relationship with Camila too. Ummm, YES, girlfriend. She will be your stepdaughter so that’s probably a good thing.

Juan P’s mom tells Nikki that she might want to take Camila to a park on Saturdays but Juan Pablo likes to lie in bed and watch TV. This is the ONLY thing redeeming about Juan Pablo. I love TV.

Both parents comment on the fact that Nikki seems strong enough to deal with Juan Pablo’s asshole-ness. Braces says to her, “How much fighting can you take?” I mean, for real. Can they warn these poor girls enough? But no, Nikki says, “No fighting means no passion.” Oh lord. Riiiiight. And if he HITS you in the face, it’s because he REALLY loves you. Girls are so stupid.

Back in the studio, Smitty makes the mistake of asking Catherine what she thinks, who blabs on and on incoherently. I like her, sort of, but she needs to stop talking sometimes. Do you think it drives Sean crazy?


Clare’s Final Date 

Her shorts are YELLOW.

They hop on a helicopter (aka death trap). Clare claims there is a lot of blue and green out the helicopter window so she’s on cloud nine. Ummm, ok.

Clare voiceovers that there was a moment when they were on the helicopter without cameras or audio, when Juan Pablo leans over and says, “I don’t know you but I love fucking you.” She doesn’t admit this right away, but does later on after the final rose ceremony. Also, a source told Us Weekly that’s what he said.

She says it was offensive and made her feel awful. Why? I’d like some reassurance that I’m good in the sack. It’s a compliment! Girls are so high maintenance about wanting respect all the time. Geesh. Please don’t send me emails – I’m KIDDING. He’s just such a fucking moron. Yes, he’s honest and doesn’t have a filter, but more than that – he’s just stupid. Why would he think that’s nice or funny to say? Cause he’s stupid.

Clare claims she’s confused and maybe he’s not the man she thought he was. She needs to know there’s something more than just a physical chemistry there. I love that it’s just dawning on her NOW that maybe he only wants her for her vagine.

He comes to her hotel room and she refuses to kiss him. She says she wants to talk to him about what he said in the helicopter, he says that was in private, she says I want more than physical, he says maybe there’s a lot you don’t know about me, she says…I don’t know, blah blah blah. He really never SAYS anything. And what he does say is a run-on sentence, with broken English and a lot of stupidity thrown in. Basically, he doesn’t say much but it convinces Clare that he likes her a little more than just a vagine…and that’s good enough for her somehow. For a hot second, she seemed smart and confident! Aaaaand then not so much.

Like a manipulative psychopath, he plays the song that random dude sang to them on the snow date. That’ll shut her up, he thinks. It works. He enters the vagine for the last time…

Back in the studio, Sharleen claims it was painful to watch because Clare ignored her intuition, and he was patronizing to her. Exactly! But she’s still kicking herself that she never got a chance to bang him.


Nikki’s Last Date 

All Nikki talks about during this date (to the cameras, not him), is that she NEEDS him to tell her how he feels. She wants to hear him say he loves her. Has she not seen this show? They can’t say that until after the final rose is given. And sometimes, four months after that.

On the catamaran, she tells him she feels he is guarded and scared to open up. At least she hopes so because that would explain why he doesn’t tell her he likes her. He says, “No, when I feel something I open up. I’m not guarded.” To which she says nothing. This is when I would say, “Then why the fuck can’t you tell me you really like me? You don’t say shit, you weirdo.”

On the sofa and in the hotel bedroom, she tells him she’s nervous, she writes him a card and says she loves him, and he says, ”Eeees OK”. Then he says, “It is what it is and today was great. See you tomorrow.” So when he leaves, she bawls her eyes out. Because he doesn’t give her any friggin reassurance and he doesn’t communicate. I cringe at the thought of dating him. How HORRIBLE.


Final Rose Ceremony 

Juan Pablo’s pants are too tight, as he waits for his ladies to roll up in a boat…and climb off this boat…in a long gown…in heels…on a wet dock…and then the beach… thereby making this the most awkward and uncomfortable looking entrance ever.

First boat is here and exits….…..CLARE, which means she’s getting the boot. She’s voiceovering as she walks saying he makes her feel safe, she trusts him and nothing he has said made her think he has any doubts. She blabs at him for a minute and says she believes in him. He says he wishes the earth sucked him today, which seems off topic. Then he says, “I have to do what’s best for me, so I have to say goodbye to you.”

She is PISSED. He tries to hug her, she says no. Atta girl! She yells for a minute - why did he say he could see himself in Sacramento? Why did he say he could see her having their babies? He had every chance to leave. Then she storms off, turns around and says, “I thought I knew what kind of man you were, but what you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.” ZING! You GO girl. Juan P says under his breath, “Glad I didn’t pick her.”

So here’s my take on Clare: She’s right. He didn’t need to say a bunch of shit about their fake future if he wasn’t going to pick her. He claims he just decided that day who he’d pick, but that’s bullshit. She then gets mad again about the “I love fucking you” comment. Yeah, that seems extra dick to say now that he didn’t pick her.

Nikki comes wobbling off the boat next and says she can’t wait to hear all the things he hasn’t been able to say, like “I love you.” Don’t hold your breath sister.

They meet, she says he’s amazing and she loves him. He says, “I love so many things about you.” He then says her Dad wanted him to be 100% sure before he proposed, and he’s not, so he’s not going to propose. But he’s 100% sure he doesn’t want to let her go.

So honestly, I’m 100% OK with this scenario. It IS weird to get engaged after seven weeks, especially when those seven weeks have been SO far from reality. So I’m totally down with saying he’s not ready. But is IS weird when he starts getting all fatherly, saying, “Now don’t get cranky with me.” He might as well have said, “No, I didn’t propose, and that better fucking be OK because I’m the boss. So shut up and grant me access to the vagine.”


After the Final Rose 

So THIS is when it gets weird for me with Nikki and Juan P. Not proposing is fine and honestly, even not saying, “I love you” is fine…in St. Lucia. Now however, is a different story. But let’s back up a bit.

First Clare comes out and she’s looking pretty good. I dig the leather dress, actually. She again reiterates that she’s just annoyed he didn’t give her any indication he was having doubts about her. She’s assuming he’s smarter than he is. He says the same thing to every girl and always sounds the same – telling them he likes them (but no more) and that he has fun with them. Clare assumes this means, “I want to marry you”, when in fact, its basic Juan P speak. Meaningless and shallow.

Smitty asks her about what he said in the helicopter. She leans over and whispers in Smitty’s ear, “Juan told me he likes fucking me, but I don’t want to say that out loud because then I’ll be admitting I banged him.” Not really. She says she can’t repeat it but it was offensive. She admits she should have left. She then tells Smits that she has nothing left to say to him, has all the closure she needs and doesn’t want to hash it out on the couch. So wrapping up this Clare thing: Clare is constantly dating dudes who only want to bang her. And it happened again, but this time on TV and she’s PISSED. So she stood up to him – as she said, for the first time ever…and she dug it. I hope this is the beginning of giving herself some self-respect and knowing she deserves better.


Juan Pablo 

He probably knows he’s about to get slammed so to divert attention the first thing he says to get some sympathy is “Pray for Venezuela.” Juan Pablo, please. These are people who watch the Bachelor. Those same people don’t follow current events.

Smitty asks him if he has any regrets. He says, “Some hurt, some don’t. There was 600 hours made into 20. I don’t hide behind a computer. Clare was going to be sad. It was personal. No regrets.”

Honestly, yes, I’m being a smart ass, but it’s not far from the truth. He seriously claims that he just followed his heart and he can’t keep everyone, so of course he has no regrets. See, this is him being stupid. He thinks Smitty is mad because he didn’t propose to someone. It’s very black and white to him – he doesn’t understand that there were details he could have handled differently. Like not telling a girl you don’t know them but like fucking them.


Nikki and Juan P 

Nikki first comes out alone and says they’re really happy. Things have been great and yes, she’s still in love. When asked if he loves her, she says, “I don’t know. I hope so.”

THIS IS THE PROBLEM. Yeah, he’s rude and he’s an idiot and completely self-centered but I’ve been able to take him for what he is: A really hot dude who wasn’t put on this earth to intellectually stimulate others (aka perfect for the bachelor franchise). However, now he’s just a fucking asshole. NOW, I think he’s a manipulative dick. He has brainwashed this poor girl into thinking it’s fine to not tell her that he loves her. He probably says that once the show ends, he’ll REALLY get to know her, so it’s OK. Dude, it’s been four months. I think you’d know by now.

He likes banging her, no doubt. He likes her, maybe, but he was probably certainly into this show for the fame and banging-access he had to a bunch of ladies. He doesn’t really love her. If he did, he’d say it. Right? What kills me is that on the finale, she said she needs to hear him say he loves her back. FOUR months later, he still hasn’t said it but now we’re supposed to believe she’s ok with it? Of course she’s not, but she is literally terrified to lose him. What’s WAY sadder to me than Juan P’s asshole-ness, is Nikki’s groundbreaking lack of self-esteem. She hates that he hasn’t said he loves her, but she’s desperate to hang on. This is like the guy I dated in my early 20s, who cheated on me but somehow manipulated me into thinking he was the victim. In 15 years, Nikki will look back on him and realize what a fuck he really is and how she so deserved better.

After Juan comes out, he tells us he feels fantastic about Nikki. Fantastic. Like how you feel after a good run? Who says they feel fantastic about anything, let alone another human?

Smitty asks if he loves her. He says, “I’m not going to answer that question. I get texts of support. You guys have been boxing me. Real life is going to tell.” See? I’m confused.

Juan P then goes on about privacy and how it’s none of our business and he’s not going to say anything. Smitty is PISSED and Catherine even has an intelligent thing to say, “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” In my opinion, he’s pissed at all the Juan Pablo bashing he’s received lately. Tabloids and little bloggers like me are all bashing what a dick he is and he doesn’t like it. So now he’s like, “Fuck you guys. I’m out.” So I agree he doesn’t need to give up all privacy but he’s withholding info because he’s pissed. He’s also not saying he loves Nikki because he DOESN’T. She just admitted he doesn’t say it in private either, so it’s not all about the Bachelor haters. He doesn’t love her and won’t say it, period.

Robot Nikki comments he has a daughter and this whole thing is real to them. Oh lord, she’s been drinking Juan Pablo/David Koresh juice. She doesn’t believe this for a second, but she’s saying what he wants her to say. She would do anything for him to say he loves her and to propose, but she’s acting like it’s OK. This is super creepy.

Smitty asks him about their plans and he comments that they had plans but they changed dramatically two weeks ago, because he heard something “from the production.” I’m pretty sure this is about Dancing with the Stars. He was supposed to be on the new season, but they kicked him off a few weeks ago once they realized America thinks he’s a douche bag. So they probably had plans to move to LA for a few months to film it all, but now that’s not happening. Which certainly pissed him off because there goes his 15 minutes of fame.

They’ve been touting a surprise Juan P has for us, but when asked, Juan P says there is no surprise. He was going to tell her he loved her, propose to her, announce he was on Dancing with the Stars, or something like that, but now he’s just over this whole thing. Shit, me too.

I predict a break-up with two months, tops. How sad. Whatevs.


Bachelorette – Andi 

The only thing shocking about this is that someone lent her an official jacket so they can take pictures of her in the field fighting gangs (aka taking pictures of graffiti). I still don’t buy she’s a lawyer.

No really, she’s normal and feisty, so that’s fun, I guess. She is VERY sparkly tonight and looks a lot like Julia Louis Dreyfus. At the end of the day, she’s just ready for love, people.

And that’s the end of THIS day. I’m glad this is over. He sucked. Much like the earth sucked him.

Love you all, readers. Thanks for sticking with me! See you in May (I think) for Andi’s season. Xoxoxox

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

The Bachelor Recap – The Whiny Bitches Tell All

Call me crazy but I liked Juan Pablo more after last night’s episode? I mean, don’t get me wrong – he’s still not smart, he’s clueless about women and he’s pretty selfish, but I like that he didn’t back down from those chicks, who were a bunch of whiny bitches last night.


Sean and Catherine 

But FIRST, we discuss Sean and Catherine. Smitty has the balls to ask them about their wedding night, which is so gross. They said it was romantic with fireworks, to which Catherine tacks on “quick fireworks”. He hasn’t stuck it in someone in years, what do you expect? But how horrifying to say that shit on TV. I bet he wanted to punch her in the face.

And WHY Sean tells us how a stingray gave him head is beyond me.

I despise the Muppets.


The Women 

Who are these women? I did watch this season, correct? I don’t recognize 80% of them. Who the hell is Kylie? Oh Kelly, you and your face and that fucking dog. Cassandra! The lipstick – easy! Free Spirit…still nothing for makeup, eh? The fresh face thing won’t last forever, sister. Oh and Sharleen, the fancy opera singer with the fancy hair. Up-do! And I love that damn green dress Andi is wearing, and Renee surprises with a shower. Lookin’ good, girlfriend.

“Juan Pablo has him moments, let’s take a look”, says Smitty. Agreed, he’s still hot, but I WILL send a strongly worded letter to ABC if I have to see a close-up of Juan and Sharleen making out again.

Smitty opens up the floor to the ladies with, “Ok ladies, tell me why you hate Juan Pablo. Just so you know, it’s clear you’re all jealous he didn’t like you, but go ahead.” Example: Danielle says, “Our dates were always surface level.” Ahhh yes, this could be true. But it could be he just didn’t like you. Also, it didn’t stop you from bawling when he dumped you. Also, she’s less black than she used to be?

Lauren, the composer (the one who embarrassingly threw herself on Juan P) says he didn’t ask her questions about her. Again, he just wasn’t into you. Not rocket science. I WILL say that one of the only valid points the girls make is saying he was flip-floppy in his kissing rules. He said he wouldn’t kiss Lauren because his daughter was watching but he made out with almost every single other person that night. That is because, 100%, he didn’t want to kiss Lauren. End of story. He probably should have just admitted that.

I can’t tell you how much I want to kick Kelly in the balls after this episode. Why did she get so much airtime anyway? She’s so clueless. Cassandra said she talked to Juan only about their kids, to which Kelly replied, “Don’t you want to have a relationship outside your child?” Bitch, shut up. You truly have no clue. When you’re a parent, kid comes first, all the time. ALL the time. Do you want to have a relationship with a man AND be a parent? Of course. But if I’m in a bank and someone comes in to rob it, and for some reason he looks at me and says, “Either your kid or husband die”, I have no qualms admitting I’d kiss my husband goodbye in a heartbeat. Sorry, honey. Wow, that was a weird story.

I think Juan P makes some good points about the parent stuff. He says being on the Bachelorette was easier for him because Camila still had her mom but Renee and Cassandra’s kids didn’t have Mom, so that’s why they were special to him. Not special as in better, but special as in, he needed to think a little differently about them. Stupid Chantel says, “They left kids at home, but we left things too.” Fuck you. Yeah, you left your 24 Hour Fitness membership at home for three hours. That’s ALMOST the same.

It’s pretty funny that nobody cares about Clare and Juan P’s romp in the ocean. The only thing they care about is how Juan P slut-shamed her the next day. Man these chicks dislike him.


Sharleen in the Hot Seat 

While watching a recap of Sharleen’s time with Juan P, I’m pleased to see Sharleen is having problems watching her kiss him too. Oh god those shorts again!

I’m not sure why we’re rehashing all this. Don’t we know all this? Sharleen says she said goodbye because she knew he wasn’t the one and didn’t want to hang out any longer. That’s seriously the gist of the whole thing, and we already knew that. I hate this show.

She defends him by saying he did ask her questions about herself. She called him quite curious. She said he was kind to her and she has respect for him. OMG I’m bored. I WILL say I liked her more than I did in her goodbye episode. She’s still a little dry and proper, but she’s so friggin rational.


Renee in the Hot Seat 

Recap of her footage…on the first night, she introduced herself and said, “I’m a single mommy.” It’s amazing she made it past the first night. Mommy?

She said she’s glad she finally admitted she loved him but she could tell he didn’t feel the same way. What gave it away? The fact that you told him you loved him AFTER he eliminated you?

Renee is in a relationship now and US Weekly just reported she’s engaged. So that’s fun. To her fiancĂ©: If you hurt my precious flower, I will cut you. Take care of my sister wife. Call me if you want a third.


Andi in the Hot Seat 

Smitty says, “What went wrong in the fantasy suite? Tonight we’ll find out from Andi.” Orrrrr we already did last week? I hate this show.

As expected, nothing new was revealed. She said he was fun for awhile but talked only about himself, who he knew, his soccer, etc. Then she said he was negative about the whole Bachelor thing and said some stupid things, like telling her Renee almost beat her out. I’ll give her that….that was really stupid, Juannie.

She said she pretended to be asleep so he’d leave her alone and she could get out of there in the morning. Really? Just keep humping him. Then he wouldn’t be talking about soccer but you could still get out of it what you want. Juan P should not be used for talking about politics or current events. Just sex. He should be used for just sex. The end.

Side note…what the hell is everyone in the audience wearing? Every last one of them is sporting a horrendous 1980’s outfit. I see a blazer in the mix, for fucks sake! Seriously, what are these?

 Is that lace under a blazer?

 mesh sleeves and sparkly arms?

Andi then sets herself up to be the next Bachelorette, which is official, by the way. TMZ impressively got their hands on a letter from Andi’s boss, granting her a leave of absence from February to June. She says she’s still looking for love and believes in the process. Good lord, captain obvious. To her credit, I think she’s smart and normal, and yes, hot. I just wonder if the producers approached her about being the next Bachelorette BEFORE she had the fantasy suite night with Juannie. They’re smarmy enough to set that shit up.


Juan Pablo in the Hot Seat 

Smitty dives in, asking if he’d change anything. He says NO…and then blabs about being honest. Basically he’s saying he’d rather be an asshole and honest, then not honest but everyone likes him. This I respect…he just didn’t really do that.

Juan P has a relatively decent comeback for MOST of the bashing. He didn’t kiss Renee because she has a son, He didn’t kiss you Lauren, because he didn’t feel the time was right. So put that in your piano bike and smoke it. What?

Andi says a couple things to him, to which he responds, “Eeeeees OK.” I love him. It’s like his code for saying, “Fuck you guys.”

Side note: Mineral Coordinator is wearing a LOT of makeup. A LOT. Maybe she works for Bare Minerals as a Coordinator and some intern just jacked up the title on the screen?

Kelly’s dad is gay so she asks him about the gay comment he made awhile back (gays are more pervert). He said it was taken out of context and Sharleen comes to his defense saying he’s very open-minded. In all the discussions they had about homosexuality. (?)

There’s a lot more bitching at Juan P and he snaps back at all of them mostly. MAYBE a little apology would have helped, but whatever. Then we get to see his bloopers and I SO WISH they let him refer to Camila as “his little package” all season.

Previews for next week’s finale are a little weird…What’s the drama? I don’t like it when Smitty says that “all questions will be answered” at the “After the Final Rose” special. What does that mean? It might mean he doesn’t choose anyone, but then after that, he picks someone or some confusing bullshit like that. Keep it simple, Bach peeps.

Which means there are THREE hours of Bachelor next week. Holy crap.