Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - Sadness, lots of lube and a drunk.

Oh my god I can’t handle the Eric stuff. This is heartbreaking, people. How was he not married already? What a catch. Sad sad sad.

So we’re down to 19. Good lord that’s too many. This week, the guys check into the mansion. Nick says, “Staying in a place where so many people have fallen in love makes me hopeful that this is where my love story starts.” There are so many things wrong with this sentence. For one, THIS dude says it:

I mean, he’s wearing a beanie for fucks’ sake. And a necklace. Second, nobody has fallen in love there. Nobody. Out of the hundreds and hundreds who have stayed there, only sperm and STD’s were exchanged. Love, if it happened at all, was much later, in Bali or some place. Can you imagine what that place would look like under a black light?

Three dates this week – two one-on-one dates and one group date. Up first is the heartbreaking Eric date. Sigh.

Eric Date 

She picks up hot Eric and they head to the beach. “What’s this place called?” “It’s called the beach”, she replies. Oh I’m sorry bitch, back off. NOBODY talks to Eric that way. You’re going to feel pretty badly about that snarky comment when Eric heads off to the big Bachelor Pad in the sky.

They fly a kite, make some sand angels, and then head off in a helicopter to Bear Mountain. I have to hand it to the show – this date rocks. They go snowboarding with Louie Vito, during which Eric says, “She’s picking it up fast.” Ummm, no she’s not. Man, is she the most uncoordinated chick ever? Of course, Eric is a great snowboarder and looks super hot doing it. Eric says to the camera, “This could be the start of a beautiful love story.” I want to stop watching – seriously let’s all feel for his poor family who has to watch this. What a loss.

Sorry, I’m a downer. Let’s make fun of something instead. Oh man I can’t – because now Eric and Andi are at dinner and he’s talking to her about his travels. She asks him if he’d still take those risks with a wife and kids? He doesn’t hesitate: “No.” This shit is tragic. She gives him the rose.

Group Date 

Well if you needed some levity after Eric’s sad date, this fucking segment certainly brought it. I mean…I almost have no words. How horrible/amazing/disgusting/awesome is this shit?

The group date is for: Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Brett, Patrick, Cody, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S., Dylan, and Carl. The guys are told they’re going to be exotic dancers for the night. Not only do they have to “audition” but they have to learn a dance and strip down in front of a live audience. Oh and us idiots at home. Scotty, with The Hollywood Men, coordinates it all.

 I dare you to picture him naked on top of you.

Firefighters, we’re told by smarmy Scotty, are one of the most popular female sexual fantasies. I don’t totally agree here. Maybe a little. If I’m in an actual fire, not really. If Benjamin Bratt was a firefighter though, I’d light myself on fire.

How horrifying for Marcus to do a solo. More horrifying is to be trained to do the solo. “Now rub your chest a little, and hump the ground, good good! Nice hip action.” Yuck.

There are sexy cowboys, sexy army dudes, sexy firemen, and a robot (short end of the stick, wow). They practice hard by rubbing on some chairs and then the show starts. Kelly and Sharleen from last season are there and if ANYONE can figure out why odd Kelly gets so much airtime with this franchise, I’ll buy you a burger. She’s so….bleeach. Sharleen is wet-blanket-y, of course.

 "I'm going to need some cookies after this workout."

The boys dance and most look good, if you’re into the overly muscled, lubed, grinding, gay thing. Nick leans over and exposes “a part of a man that you aren’t supposed to see.” I’m assuming she’s referring to his butthole and perhaps the rear view of some testicles. You’re right – you should never see that. Especially golfer Nick – that shit will burn your eyeballs.

The show ends, and the men grind all over the women in the audience to get some extra tips. Cody! Take that dollar out of your mouth, good lord.

They head out to the after party, and it’s super boring…until Craig gets a little wasted. You are NOT allowed to do that, apparently. This is not fun, people, this is WORK. You’re supposed to be on your game to woo Andi. One can’t do that wasted. I’m annoyed Andi is such a wet blanket – let your boys have some fun! But then…I sort of see her point. I think you can drink and have fun and still be there to get to know Andi. But it’s never a good idea to get THAT drunk until you’re with someone for awhile. Because then you know you like them and you know they’re not always like that, but to Andi, she doesn’t know if this is just another Tuesday afternoon to Craig.

So he gets super drunk, jumps in the pool in his clothes and she is “flustered” by the whole thing. Really? That’s what the producers are for. He’s an asswipe, let it go. Opera guy sings for her and it’s impressive. I think he’s talented. I just wish someone would tell him that despite his obvious talent, yelling opera in my face doesn’t exactly make me want to dive down his pants.

Back to Craig – he tries to have one-on-one time with Andi. She says, “Ask me anything.” He says, “What’s the worst thing about your parents?” She sort of stutters and he goes, “Boom”. This makes me laugh out loud. It’s as if that “boom” was the actual moment she realizes what a douche bag he is.

There’s not much more that was interesting besides Craig here. Marcus tells her that he knows people who settle and he’s not going to settle for anything less than heart pounding, or the butterflies. Anyone who knows me knows how much I HATE the butterfly reference. Those go away, people. I’m such a broken record. Andi is hot for Marcus so she gives him the rose.

Chris Date 

Andi and Farmer Chris head to Santa Anita to watch some horse races. Chris is pretty cute but needs to take a tiny Andi-chill-pill. “She is the most beautiful and amazing woman that exists.” I mean…she might be. But there’s no way he could know that yet and he’s sounding a bit bananas. “Andi is my dream and I’m in this for the long haul.” OK dude, you’ve talked to her ONCE. He needs to get off that farm more often.

They are sitting in their VIP area when an old couple asks them how long they’ve been together. Are we honestly supposed to believe that shit isn’t staged? Come on. They chat with them about love and the old couple tells them they’ve been together for 55 years. Old dude says, “Your love grows if you work at it together.” Worth noting here is that neither old person EVER MENTIONS BUTTERFLIES.

Andi brings it all home for us by saying, “I just need to bet on the right horse.” See people, it’s a METAPHOR. Andi and her lawyering are trying to make this show all smart now. Big words, metaphors – my mind can’t handle this. If I wanted to watch smart TV, I’d turn on Castle or something. Wait…

Chris is genuinely sweet, I will give him that. But he’s running the risk of coming across too pussy-like. He’s also so shiny. She gives him the rose and they head out to a private concert by This Crazy Town. Or This Silly Area. This Wild Life? I don’t know. They dance and he GOES for it – he just plants one on her and it’s totally clear to me that she doesn’t want to make out with him to this extent. He is holding her tight and she’s almost leaned back 90 degrees to avoid the kiss, and he’s eating her face. She smiling but I can tell she’s not feeling this one. I mean, he’s super nice and kind and really cute, so he’ll be around awhile, but I’m not sure she’s feeling it.

Cocktail Party 

Highlights from the cocktail party:

 • Nick V and Andi chat… Andi comments that they’re aligned with what they’re both looking for. They both want that great, unconditional love. Yup, nobody else wants that but you two. Personally, I prefer a mediocre, conditional love. It’s more exciting that way – wondering if your husband will be there in the morning. It’s like an exciting challenge!
• It’s like a fucking carnival trying to impress Andi – there’s a puppet show, some plate throwing and singing. Shut up everyone.
• For a pro baseball player, Josh is looking like a super pussy. He tells her how he likes her and he’s giggling like a ten year old ball boy. Easy dude. They kiss and it’s because SHE goes for it. She actually wanted that one (sorry, Chris).
 • Drunk Craig and his double-breasted suit sing a song to Andi to apologize. It discusses baring his junk to 13 other guys. I appreciate the humor but some sincerity might have done him some more good. Nah, he was screwed either way.

Rose Ceremony 

Eric, Chris and Marcus already have roses. The other 13 roses go to:

Ron (28, Beverage Sales Manager) – Quiet, boring, sweet, whaaaaatever.
Dylan (26, Accountant) – Still hiding his rage issues. But hot.
JJ (30, Pantsapreneur) – Will never get over the job title.
Marquel (26, Sponsorship Salesman) – Black cookie monster is funny but not a lot of airtime. Andrew (30, Social Media Marketer) – No dates this week, so I have no idea.
Tasos (30, Wedding Event Coordinator) – No way, no. Earrings. NO.
Josh (29, Former Pro Baseball Player) – Cute, but there’s something goobery about him.
Cody (28, Personal Trainer) – Probably masturbates to photos of his own lubed up muscles. God sorry! That was gross.
Nick V (33, Software Sales Executive) – Dork, but probably smart so perhaps she’s attracted to his brain in comparison to others. As an aside, you don’t have sex with his brain so that shit can only go so far.
Patrick (29, Advertising Executive) – No clue who this is.
Brian (27, Basketball Coach) – Seems nice?
Brett (29, Hairstylist) – I like that he’s funny but the hair is atrocious.
Bradley (32, Opera Singer) – Opera singer. Enough said.

That means Carl (firefighter), Craig (drunk) and Nick (anus-exposing golfer) head home. Next week – we have two full episodes. One on Sunday, one on Monday. Four hours. Shoot me now. But I’ll see you then!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The Bachelorette Season Premiere Recap - Meet the Dudes. And their hair. And their gayness.

Let’s just address the elephant in the room. I’m a day late. I won’t let it happen again. OK I’m not promising that, but I’ll try REALLY hard. Sorry, peeps.

Here we are again - Another season of the Bachelorette, complete with an overly qualified chick (albeit slightly annoying), and twenty-five guys, which at least half are homosexual. Oh and who was thrilled to find out the show was only 90 minutes!? That’s a win in my book. I barely missed the first 40 minutes, with the guys pumping iron at home in Chicago, etc.

Let’s talk about the other elephant in the room – Eric. Why does clearly the hottest, sweetest, smartest and most interesting guy have to die? That was incredibly sad to me and I really hope the asswipe producers of this show don’t capitalize on his death for ratings. He seemed just awesome and I got chills when he walked out of the limo. Nothing more to say…

Let’s meet Andi. She’s 27 and a Prosecutor and lives in Atlanta. She puts the bad guys away and on slow days, she puts on a full face of makeup and takes pictures of gang graffiti. And sometimes she takes a Bachelorette camera crew with her to work. Seriously, how did the higher-ups in Prosecutor Land allow that? Was that a real judge? It was probably her grandpa.

She says goodbye to her family, promising them that the next time they see her she’ll be home getting double-teamed by two guys. Daddy is thrilled. She heads to LA to do some fake shopping and checks into her love mansion. She comments that she could be engaged by summer and says, “That’s crazy!” Yes, CRAZY. NO REALLY. THAT’S CRAZY.

Limo Arrival 

 Side note: There’s something super gay about a bunch of guys in a limo toasting to “happily ever after”. Don’t write me hate mail about the gay thing. I love gays, but they shouldn’t be competing on a show to marry a girl, right?

Let’s meet the dudes:

Marcus, 25, Sports Medicine Manager, Dallas – He’s super awkward, and I’m blown away at how nervous SHE is. She’s so chatty – pipe down, girl. Take it easy. Also, she later discusses how hot Marcus is. I don’t get it. Cute? Yes. Naked on top of me? No.

Chris, 32, Farmer, Iowa – He is super cute, super sweet and a SUPER close talker. I want to take him home and snuggle with him. Naked on top of me? Jury still out.

JJ, 30, Pantsapreneur, San Francisco – Of course the fucking “Pantsapreneur” is from San Francisco. My town. And he’s wearing a bow tie. And he’s excited to kick off this love quest. His gay lover back home isn’t so thrilled.

Marquel, 26, Sponsorship Salesman, Las Vegas – Ohhh Mama like. He’s CUTE. He says to Andi, “How do I look? I tried to bring my A-game.” So that’s not even that douche-baggy! Well-played sir.

Tasos, 30, Wedding Event Coordinator, Denver – Oh where to start. Earrings? Yellow teeth? The job? The love lock he wants to put on a bridge in Paris? Instead they lock it on a post and he tells Andi to make a wish and throw the key in the fountain. Andi: “My wish is…please don’t let me marry him.”

Cody, 28, Personal Trainer, Chicago – Those producers are SO original. Let’s have the personal trainer showcase an act of strength. He should’ve shown an act of strength by refusing to do that shit. He also should have refused that jacket.

Steven, 30, Snowboard Product Developer, Encinitas, CA – (AKA Ski Resort Lift Operator) He’s got long stupid hair and he’s wearing black on black on black…yet no jacket and VERY skinny pants. He’s “stoked” to be here. Chances of him lasting the night? Very low.

Rudie, 31, Attorney, Long Beach – May I approach the bachelorette? No. Just no. Go away. Oh attorney humor….HAHAHAHA.

Carl, 30, Firefighter, Fort Lauderdale – Give me a hug. Andi’s a hugger. Again. Carl is cute, nice, but definitely not naked-on-top-of-me material.

Jason, 35, Urgent Care Physician, Wisconsin. Why couldn’t they just say doctor? Physician? Why Urgent Care? Why the hair? That is so unsanitary in a medical facility to have that silky shit flowing all over your shoulders. Gross. First thing out of his mouth? “I’m a doctor.” It’s all he’s got, people. I’m sure he’s smart and nice, but he’s spent too many years with his nose in a book and has totally forgotten how to socialize. Case in point: “I’ve learned special skills. I can make a diagnosis just by looking at someone. You have a fever cause you look pretty hot.” Not only is that a terrible line, but I really hope that he doesn’t just diagnose people that way. Seems very unscientific.

Nick V., 33, Software Sales Executive, Chicago – He seems nice and relatively cute, but doesn’t get a chance to say anything because nervous Andi won’t shut up about his polka dots.

Dylan, 26, Accountant, Boston – He’s pretty cute. But he’s either a total asshole or totally nervous.

Patrick, 29, Advertising Executive, Newport Beach – Tries to show off soccer skills right away = douche bag. He does assure her that he’s nothing like the last soccer player she knew. That’s funny.

Emil, 33, Helicopter Pilot, Costa Mesa – I’m sorry, how do you say your name again? Anal with an M. A-Mul. So he needs to sue his parents.

Brett, 29, Hairstylist, Pennsylvania – I love lamp. I actually love this move. It’s weird and funny. It’s something I would do, so I’m totally down with it. I’m not sure Andi thinks it’s amazing. I’m not down with his hair.

Craig, 29, Tax Accountant, Denver – He walks out of the limo and just blows his wad of champagne all over. So you’re a partier, huh? Oh yeah! He then says, “I’m a hugger”. A-Ha! She’s met her match. Also, he might be gay too.

Come to papa

Ron, 28, Beverage Sales Manager, Memphis – He’s harmless. And by harmless, I mean boring. He’ll make it through tonight, maybe another week after that with zero airtime. Then home.

Bradley, 32, Opera Singer, Michigan – “I’d love to serenade you later.” Of course you would.

Josh, 29, Telecommunication Marketer, Denver – I actually think he’s super cute and seems normal. Until the end of the show when he really humiliates himself.

Nick S., 27, Pro Golfer, Florida – He’s a professional golfer. In case you didn’t get that. Also, he’s really 45.

Brian, 27, Basketball Coach, Pennsylvania – He tied his tie six times. He might be one of the normals. Stay tuned.

Andrew, 30, Social Media Marketer, Culver City, CA – He seems nice and normal until he tries to hit on Patrick at the cocktail party. Also not sure if I want his tongue in my mouth.

Mike, 29, Bartender, Utah – Mike got a bartending job while in college and never left. Just a hunch. Also the hair.

Eric, 31, Explorer, Citrus Heights, CA – I want to cry. Of course his entrance is normal and completely cute. This is heartbreaking.

Josh M., 29, Former Pro Baseball Player, Atlanta – I honestly can’t decide if this guy is totally gorgeous or completely terrifying.

Cocktail Party 

Highlights from the party:

• Marquel makes her eat a bunch of cookies, cause apparently he’s passionate about cookies? Nothing hotter than that, ladies. (?)
• Eric tells her about his world odyssey and again, I want to cry. Such a loss. This guy was good.
• Speaking of good guys… Chris Butt-kow-ski is not one of them. He was one of the smarmiest guys on Bachelor Pad. He apparently tries to crash the party and I don’t believe for one second he didn’t know when they were filming or this entire thing wasn’t set up. Of course it was. Anyway, Chris Harrison tells Andi about him waiting outside and that he wants to vie for her heart. He can’t get the words out without busting into laughter. I seriously love him.
• Andi replies to Chris, “If I’m here to meet the man of my dreams, what if that’s him standing in the driveway?” So I know Chris Harrison. We’re soul mates. We should host this show together. I know that it took every ounce of his will power not to spit out, “There is no fucking way he’s your husband.” You could see it on his face. Anyway, Andi tells Chris she doesn’t want to meet him. Go Andi.
• She’s intrigued by Marcus. I am not. He said that Polish was actually his first language, but now he doesn’t speak Polish. Hmmm.
• Opera dude is just hanging out in the living room singing to dudes.
• She gives Nick V. the first impression rose. She says, “I had a great first impression of someone I wouldn’t normally go for.” Ummm, thanks?

I will haunt your dreams. I am THAT freaky.

Rose Ceremony 

So the first impression rose went to Nick V (Software Sales, Chicago, Nice, 100 siblings). The other roses go to:

JJ – Pantsapreneur. I think I refuse to write that word anymore. Dude who sells pants. With his gay lover.
Eric – Amazing dude
Marquel – Black Cookie Monster
Craig – Accountant who wastes champagne. Hugger.
Tasos – Earrings. Enough said. Sorry, I can’t get over it.
Josh M – Former baseball player. Terrifying/Hot.
Brian – Basketball coach – normal?
Bradley – Opera Singer. Sings during orgasm (presumably). 
Marcus – Sports Medicine Manager? What does that mean anyway? He’s Polish, but not really.
Andrew – Social marketing guy. Seemed nice and normal until he gave Patrick a blow job in the bathroom during the cocktail party.
Ron – Beverage dude. That’s about it.
Carl – Firefighter and cute. Just not “wiggling on me naked-cute.”
Chris – Farmer. Love him.
Dylan – He would’ve gone ape shit if he wasn’t chosen but for now he’s holding in his rage.
Brett – The lamp wins it all for me.
Patrick – Soccer-loving Advertising Exec. Andrew’s current lover.
Cody – Personal trainer who actually seemed much more normal after the introduction fiasco. But still.
Nick S – Pro golfer, AARP member.

Therefore, the following six guys get sent home:

Mike – Back to serving Jagermeister.
Steven – Lift Operator. He’s not stoked to be going home.
Emil – Anal is not pleased to be leaving.  
Rudie – Poor Attorney, Rudie. Case closed. (Ba dum dum)
Jason – Urgent Care Doctor. Not any old Doctor, but URGENT CARE DOCTOR. He needs to get rid of that sassy little bob STAT.
Josh B. – He is PISSED. He is hung up on how embarrassing it is to be eliminated on night one. I agree but it’s WAY more embarrassing to be completely embarrassed by it, if that makes sense. Before his little tirade here, he would have seemed like a nice, normal guy who just didn’t make a connection with Andi. Now he seems like an insecure, whiny bitch.

Andi, who has become super Southern all of a sudden, gives a “Cheers y’all” to the remaining dudes. And cheers to my readers – see y’all next week!