Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap – Do you Faaahrt in public?

I’ve said this a lot but I really mean it this time. Ohmygod this was the most boring episode ever.

Eight guys left and they’re in Venice. Nick (33 year-old Software Sales Executive) gets the first one-on-one date. Also, my friend called him “untamed vagine head” last night. It’s so amazing I can’t take credit for it.

Nick Date 

I can’t put my finger on it, but Nick kind of sucks. More on that later. They start the date by taking the first of at least five fucking gondola rides that day. We GET it, you’re in VENICE. I have quite honestly nothing to report – it is THE most boring date ever. They let a swarm of disgusting pigeons land on them. My god.

At one point Andi comments that it’s attractive to her when a man does not have enemies. She tells him at dinner she likes men who other people like. Really? That’s super weird. I like men who everyone hates and has tons of enemies. Like Hitler. I mean, let’s state the obvious, Andi. Next she says, “Also, I find it super unattractive when men hit me. Or poop their pants. I thought you should know.”

She says she wants to figure out why he was such a sourpuss asshole on last week’s date. Not her exact words, but you know. They talk in their third gondola ride but I can’t focus on their chat because I’m checking out the Go Pro cameras attached to the boat. That’s cool.

Side note: Back at the hotel, when the group date card comes, Cody realizes he gets a one-on-one date. He is unattractively excited and says, “When I bust out of my shell she better watch out.” Good lord what does that mean? Sounds like it could be dangerous, with those arms and all.

Dinnertime! Back on the damn gondola. In an evening gown. They eat somewhere fancy and she asks him about why everyone hates him. She also says, “Do you think you’re a frontrunner?” He replies, “I’m fortunate to have the connection we do and don’t think others could have that.” It’s a solid answer. It’s honest and shows confidence in them. However the problem lies in the fact that he tells the other guys that same shit. When they’re all sitting around talking about Andi, keep quiet about how awesome your connection is. In other words, keep your fucking mouth shut.

He says he’s falling in love with her, blah blah blah. They kiss, and I’m sorry but those kisses are different than the ones she gives Chris or JJ. She wants her some pube head. He gets the rose. And then she gives him a masquerade mask and he’s all, “Whoa that’s gay and I’m not nearly confident enough to pull that off.”

Group Date 

The group date is for Josh, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, JJ and Chris. These six dudes and Andi spend some time dicking around in the street. Then she takes them to a castle where they’re forced to take lie detector tests. Josh is the most pissed saying that she should trust them, he trusts her, blah blah blah. I’m sorry but that’s not true. If you have nothing to hide, you take the damn test and don’t freak out. If you lecture your girlfriend on “you should just trust me” shit, it means you’re cheating on them. Didn’t that happen to all of you? I had more than one guy act shady and when I questioned them, they gave me fucking mind-game answers like, “Don’t you trust me?”

Josh then says something like, “If you’re married, you can’t just ask someone in the middle of 30 years to take a lie detector test to see if something’s going on.” Why the hell not? My husband would totally do it. First of all, he knows I’m crazy. Second of all, he has nothing to hide. My rant here means Josh is shady. Let’s move on.

During the lie detector test, everyone gets asked normal questions and then poor Dylan gets asks about sleeping with over 20 women and washing his hands after he shits. What the? Oddly, Dylan leaves the date soon after this. Was he sick over the test? Perhaps he has a stomach virus from all the germy feces on his hands.

Lie detector guy comes out and says Andi told two lies, three men told no lies, one man told two lies and two men told three lies. I’M SO PISSED SHE DOESN’T OPEN THE RESULTS. What’s the damn point? I also can’t believe Brian just rips into her results and she doesn’t give him shit for it later on.

Anyway, Josh is thrilled that she rips up their results without reading them. He says, “That spoke volumes to me. Now I know she trusts me. Plus she’ll never know I have hand, foot and mouth disease and a missing testicle.”

After the tests, they have a little after-party. Brian takes her aside, does some dumb lie detector test and plants one on her. He says to the camera, “It feels good to step up.” Dude, stop analyzing your pussiness. OK I like him – seems like a normal guy but not naked-on-top-of-me.

Marcus tells her it’s tough for him to show her his vulnerable side. I can’t think of anything more unattractive than a guy saying it’s tough to show his vulnerable side. Marcus admits he almost left the show and she is wearing her frownie face. She is NOT pleased. But guess what? Marcus is in love with her so she’s happy again. Blaaaaaah blah blah.

She talks with Josh and gets her typical defensive pissiness. He tells her he was pissed about the lie detector and immediately she assumes he’s wrong and gets defensive, bitchy and unresponsive. This is totally her deal. How annoying.

Farmer Chris admits he is the secret admirer. She already knew. He says some nice things and then grabs her to kiss her. He acts like a bit of a puss sometimes but he really goes for it here. Then he yells at some dudes later. I like the manlier Chris this episode. Andi doesn’t though – when he kisses her, she pulls away a lot. It’s not a get-your-tongue-in-my-mouth kiss, like with Nick. I don’t get it either.

She does give Chris the rose, which works for me.

Cody Date 

Reminder - Cody is the 28 year-old Personal Trainer, but one look at him and you’d know that. Anyway, they walk around the town of Verona and pretend to be Romeo and Juliet. I want to go to bed. Yawn.

What the hell are those people in the corner doing? 

HUGE urge to pull those shorts out of her crack 

Apparently there is a place where people can write Juliet letters about their love problems. This brings up so many questions for me. Why do they write to her? First of all, she’s not real. Second of all, she’s dead. There are some messed up people out there.

For this date, Cody and Andi will read and respond to a few letters from crazy people who write to Juliet. First, there’s crazy Mary, a 36 year-old single gal from Los Angeles who doesn’t know what texting is. Then there’s a DUDE. That’s right – a DUDE who writes to Juliet about his unrequited love for “Sarah”. Cody responds to him, telling him to be confident and to be himself. He should have added, “And stop writing to dead people for love advice and maybe see a therapist.”

As an aside, I’ve never been more confident I know how a date will end. He seems like a nice guy for sure, but there is nothing there. Nada. He, however, is totally oblivious. At dinner he just spouts off about how he wants to kiss her, roll around with her and generally molest her. She FINALLY cuts him off, crying, saying she doesn’t feel it, and tells him to get out. I feel bad for him but I knew this one awhile ago. Also that was the tightest blazer and deepest V-neck I’ve seen on a dude. Ever.

Poor Cody. I hope he finds love. I love him a little but I don’t want him naked on top of me. That’s not just for my own safety, but he doesn’t do it for me. He redeems himself by keeping totally quiet in the limo, despite the producers probably begging him to cry about her. Good for you, dude.

Who knew I was going to post this photo? 

Cocktail Party 

Nick grabs her right away and lays one of her. Guys are pissed. Andi is NOT. Also, side boob. That’s all, I’m tired. Nobody cares.

Rose Ceremony 

Chris (32, Farmer) and Nick already have roses. The other four roses go to:

Dylan (26, Accountant) – Poop on his hands
Brian (27, Basketball Coach) – Pussy? Nice? Hot? Dork? Hard to tell.
Marcus (25, Sports Medicine Manager) – Sooooo quiet and a little boring these days.
Josh (29, Former Pro Baseball Player) – Hiding something.

That means JJ goes home. Ye ole’ Pantsapreneur. Buh bye. I liked him but it was pretty obvious she wasn’t feeling him. Also there was the issue of…his pants. I do feel bad for him…seems like a nice dude. Next week the six remaining guys are off to Brussels. See you then!

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - Bachelor Mimes and French things

We’re down to 11 dudes. The gang heads to Marseilles, France and Andi tells us she loves it there because it’s “a huge port area”. Or, a PORT. I must be in a salty mood, to quote one young bachelorette, if I’m making fun of that. It’s gonna be a long night.

Chris Harrison, looking ever so French in that turtleneck action, sits with Andi and asks if she’s falling in love. “STOP”, she replies. No YOU fucking stop. Stop it, seriously cut that shit out.

Josh Date 

For those who don’t know me well, I usually gauge a guy by whether I can picture him naked on top of me. I realized tonight that I don’t want any of these guys naked on top of me. Well, I take that back. I can ALMOST picture Dylan on top of me naked but that’s mostly because the sex would be super angry and hot. Josh comes close – he’s the only other one I’d even begin to picture rubbing around on top of me. He’s really cute, but there’s something…..magoo about him. For being such a man’s man, he can be a total pussy when he talks about Andi. You’ll see what I mean.

Anyway, Josh (the 29 year-old Former Pro Baseball Player) gets the first date tonight. He tells Andi tonight that he played from age 17 to 22, so what has he been doing for work for the past seven years? Shouldn’t we default to the most current occupation for his title? The Beijing Summer Olympics were 8 years ago, but you don’t see me listing my title as “Former 100 Meter Backstroke Gold Medalist” everywhere, do you? There might be other reasons that’s not my title, I suppose.

Anyway, the date is like watching the Blair Witch project following these two around town. Easy cameras. Andi claims she wants to dig deeper in him today. That’s what he said, too, but he meant it in an entirely different way. They end up on a boat, and then sitting on some rocks, where they try to talk about his life but they just end up making out a lot. Do the guys ever ask her about her life or do they just not show it?

Back at the hotel, Marquel learns that Andrew called him a “blackie” at the first rose ceremony. Apparently he said, “She gave roses to both blackies”. This upsets him greatly. More on that later.

Andi and Josh head to dinner at some palace, where he said he’s feeling “blessed”. He says this is the “best date of my life.” See what I mean? He’s a bit over the top with that talk. It’s super nice and I think he’s probably a good guy but there’s something off-putting about over-the-top emotionalness in a dude. Seriously, guys can’t win with me – I’m such a bitch. You have to be a man’s man, yet super kind and giving but you can’t at all be a pussy about it. Geesh, high standards Jen.

 This is actually her happy, listening face

They are then treated to a private concert by Ben Fields. Seriously how old am I that I have no clue who this is? Perhaps it’s not a matter of age, but just my shitty taste in music. If it was Iggy Azalea singing Fancy I’d totally know who that was. What does that say about me?

 Do you think he's confident he's getting the rose?

Group Date 

The group date is for Marcus, Dylan, Chris, Cody (which my spell check just changed to “Body” which is awesome), JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick and Andrew. The guys are forced to take mime class, dress in totally humiliating clothing and then perform in the streets of Marseilles. Dylan has the quote of the night when he says, “I don’t know anything about mimes except they use their hands and……. do activities.” I mean, it’s totally accurate.

People are straight-up terrified of these freaky, shitty American mimes. Andi claims they “stepped it up” which is scary if THIS is considered “stepping it up”. JJ decides to reenact their date together, which is not a huge crowd pleaser since it’s basically an inside joke.

Not entirely attractive

Nick looks super pissy pants, and I get it because this date is total misery, but buck up, dude. Try to have the tiniest bit of fun. He says, “This isn’t natural or fun and I’m never going to pretend it’s going to be.” Well, wow, Mr. Dick. Geesh. Again, I agree, but don’t be such a wet blanket. I suspect pube head suffers from loooooow confidence and masks it by acting like he just hates this stuff.

At the after party, JJ takes her on a ferris wheel ride. Let me tell you who she’s NOT feeling – JJ.

The guys yell at Nick saying he’s super smug and arrogant. Again, this is masking his insecurities. I’m a psychologist, you know. Cody and his roid rage make a quick appearance as he lays into Nick. Nick is terrified of him. I guess Cody likes to spout off about how thankful he is for being on the show and Nick made fun of him. Ohhhh Nick, you broke the golden rule: Thou shalt never make fun of a man’s thankfulness. ?

Andi gets wind of all this drama and worries that Nick is manipulating her. Maybe he’s a dick after all, but she’s just blinded by the super strong emotional/mental connection. So yeah, that’s code for, he’s nice to hang with but I don’t want him naked on top of me. I have a mental connection with every guy on this show.

Marquel finally can’t handle his anger and confronts Andrew about calling him a “blackie”. Andrew looks shocked and I actually believe him. Andrew is pretty smarmy but I actually don’t think he said that. He was probably misunderstood. He probably said “she picked the black guys” or “she needs a sharpie”.

Andi is annoyed with the drama and doesn’t even want to hand out a group date rose, but decides to do it anyway because “it’s important for the guys to feel encouraged.” This isn’t fucking preschool t-ball – chill out. She gives the rose to JJ simply because he’s sitting next to her, I assume.

Brian Date 

Brian, the 27 year-old Basketball Coach, gets the other one-on-one date this week. He’s currently riding the “I kissed you on a basketball court” wave of appreciation from Andi which is about to come crashing down.

They head to a super cute theater in town, which is actually just an abandoned garage that the producers threw a TV screen in, a moldy couch and a popcorn machine. But in France, you can sell that as “charming”!

They’re forced to watch, what looks like a shitty movie about cooking in France, and voila – they are then forced to cook animal parts in a shitty French apartment. I hate cooking too, but if pushed into a kitchen, I’d just drink a lot and make the frog legs dance or something. But Brian completely fucking freezes. It’s actually weird. I get you’re not happy in the kitchen, but it’s not waterboarding. Chill out.

Andi is bummed this date is crashing. The food sucks so they go out to dinner instead. He puts his pussy aside and decides to kiss her. She keeps giving little kisses and pulling away instead of letting him put his tongue in her mouth. She’s not feeling it….Until he pulls her into the restaurant kitchen and forces his tongue in there! Way to go, Brian. In the background is this poor little restaurant owner saying, “Excuse me? Excuse e moi? It is against Marseilles health code to exchange bodily fluids in a place where food is prepared. Please stop.”

She gives him the rose as a symbol of progression. Ahhh the ever-romantic “progression” rose.

Bracelet bracelet bracelet mayday mayday!!! 

Cocktail Party/Chat with Chris

When in France, dress like the French do, Andi! Or maybe just Marie Antoinette – complete with her hair and corset. She tells Chris there is no need for a cocktail party, because let’s be honest, it’ll come down to JJ, Marcus, Josh, Nick and maybe Dylan. Let’s get rid of six of them. Chris tells her three guys is the maximum for elimination. She agrees. None of that happened, but it’s probably true.

Rose Ceremony 

Josh, Brian and JJ already have roses. Other roses go to:

Marcus (25, Sports Medicine Manager) – He didn’t speak this week. Cute, but…I don’t know.
Nick (33, Software Sales Executive) – Pube head, overly confident but actually masking insecurities. Also, I’m available for individual counseling, since apparently I’m a therapist now.
Chris (32, Farmer) – Cute and sweet, but probably a painfully slow love-maker.
Dylan (26, Accountant) – Sex would be angry and rough. Mmmm.
Cody (28, Personal Trainer) – Sex would squish you. I already made that joke. Also, I bet he orgasms with gusto.

This means Marquel, Andrew and Patrick head home. Patrick claims he’s heard from many people that he has good husband qualities. Except the one quality that says normal dudes don’t spout off about their “husband qualities”. Also, who the hell is this?

Marquel is broken up, crying about how he believes in love and really wants to find it. It’s like he’s auditioning to be the first Sharpie Bachelor. Ohhh I’m going to get emails about that one.

The gang is off to Venice next week – see you then!

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - The full of sad shit episode

Did I miss the transition to New England? What the?

We’re down to 13 guys, which makes for a long ass summer, people. The kids are at some large, yet odd, hotel in Connecticut. Dylan gets the first one-on-one date – let’s go.

Dylan Date 

They apparently have an entire steam train to themselves for a day. Andi comments, maybe their relationship will pick up steam. Ba dum dum. Do you think the producers sit around and brainstorm date ideas, and the only criteria is that a love-metaphor can somehow be pulled out of it?

“All Aboard!” calls the conductor. And so yeah, there are only two people, soooooo yeah, we’re on board.

They chat on the train and it seems pretty uncomfortable. He tells Andi how he had one 8-year relationship through high school and college. Wow, ONE girl for all those important years? He missed out on a lot of casual drunk high school/college humping. Not that I would know about any of that. It’s what I hear.

After the awkward train ride, they stop, change clothes and get back on the train. Why? They looked fine before. They head inside to a private train car, which is probably the single most un-intimate (is that a word?) and uncomfortable setting ever. They sit across from each other and I’ve never seen a room lit so brightly in my life. Ugh.

He finally breaks down and tells her all about his brother and sister both dying from a drug overdose and it’s friggin sad. I can’t handle all the heavy shit this season. His poor Mom. Ugh. Andi is crying, he’s crying and I’m fucking crying. What a mess. She gives him the rose and assures him it’s not a pity rose. She says that the date isn’t over yet and I’m personally thrilled because I want them to get the shit out of that stadium-lighting train car and go make out somewhere quiet and dark. But she takes him to blow the train whistle. Gee thanks. He later comments to the camera that this is one of the happier moments of his life…Awww, he deserves that.

Group Date 

The group date is for JJ, Chris, Andrew, Eric, Nick, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brian, Patrick, and Josh. There’s an arena in the hotel? What the?

Brian, the Basketball Coach, says he’s “in his element today”, and I pray there isn’t a repeat of last night’s Opera-dude-in-his-element-day. They toss around the ball and Andi almost breaks her ankle in ridiculous high-heeled sneakers. Then some ladies of the WNBA walk in and it’s safe to say I would not want to run across those chicks in a dark alley.

The women play against the dudes and absolutely kill them. Lindsey (WNBA chick) says, “I hope they have more game off the court.” It’s funny how these guys get completely torn apart when anyone from the outside world has to deal with them. First Boyz II Men and now these chicks.

Now the boys play each other. Winning team gets the after-party with Andi and losers go home. The red team is Brian, Nick, Andrew, Marquel, Cody and Eric. The Blue Team is Tasos, Josh, JJ, Patrick and Chris. Wait, they’re not really red and blue but Rosebuds and hand-drawn-heart-on-their-shirt-guys. Couldn’t production have afforded five official looking shirts?

Andrew comments on how competitive the game is getting. He says, “There’s a lot of testosterone being thrown around.” He adds, “Not by ME, per se, but you know. Some of those other guys are really manly.”

It’s half time and it’s tied… um at 6 to 6? What the fuck? Was it a thirty-second half? By the amount of sweat, you’d think it was a three-hour half. The Rosebuds kick it into high gear and beat the other dudes. Those guys are in the locker room and look really, really torn up. Ummm, easy guys. You DO realize every single one of you, except one, are eventually getting dumped, right?

At the after-party, she chats with Eric who tells her about his family, the fact he’s no longer Mormon, etc. The more he talks, the more normal and sweet he seems. She’s afraid they’ve “stalled” but claims it’s better after they talk. How is she not head-over-heels in love with him?

Brian takes her back to the basketball court where he makes a half court shot but pusses out completely on kissing her. Nick on the other hand, does NOT puss out and practically lies on top of her on the little lounger. Easy, pube head. Andi ends the date by giving the rose to Brian. You can’t give basketball guy the rose on the basketball date? Bradley is gonna be pissed when he sees this.

Marcus Date 

Andi takes Marcus to the roof of the hotel and tells them they’re going to rappel down the outside of the building. Do you know why? It’s leap of faith day, y’all. Get it? The whole thing is a metaphor for love. This show is so original!

They’re both beyond terrified of heights, so this is a SUPER fun date idea. Andi looks like she’s going to shit her Lululemon pants right then and there. Marcus is actually sweet and normal, helping her take the first step off, saying, “trust yourself”. How about if we trust the goddamn rope? I love that they rappel past the guys’ room. Nice rope placement by the producers.

Marcus is trying to distract Andi by asking, “What’s your Mom like? Is she like you?” She responds, “She’s nicer. She golfs. Not very well.” That’s funny…but why are you distracting her? Shouldn’t she be focusing on not dying?

They make it to the bottom without dying, if you can believe it. They head to dinner in “the oldest working Inn in America.” Probably doesn’t smell great. They chat about his ex blaaaaaah, I’m bored. She gives him the rose, and by the way, their dinners are totally untouched. I’m almost positive that’s a full chicken breast in front of her. She then says, “I have a treat for you tonight.

Wanna go find out what it is?” He replies, “If it’s your vagina, then yes.” I mean, she seriously oversells a concert by dudes I don’t know.

They are forced to dance on an elevated platform – I would hate that. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her. Easy, boy. He then comments to the camera, “She could be my wife. She could be the one who says yes to me.” Ummm, red flag?

Cocktail Party 

Back at her hotel, Andi receives a love note from a secret admirer. They show some dude writing it and he has a pinky ring, which is a total deal killer. Highlights from the cocktail party:

• Brian takes her to the goddamn basketball court AGAIN. We get it dude – you looooove basketball. He finally kisses her. She comments that he could’ve done it upstairs and she wouldn’t have had to walk down that massive flight of stairs in her heels. Not really.
• Marquel thinks its romantic to teach Andi how to kill him from behind.
• And now Eric. Wait, this needs more than a bullet point.

Eric tells Andi that he doesn’t think she’s being super real with him, and I have to agree. I think he’s been totally open with her so maybe he’s onto something here. Unfortunately, he doesn’t communicate his feelings in a female-friendly way since he essentially calls her a fake, and an actress. He says he sees two sides to her, one with the cameras on and one without. He might have a point, but we just can’t tell that from our limited viewing and aggressive editing. However, Eric is near-perfection and he’s dead now which is super sad, so I’m just going to side with him on this one. Suck it Andi!

She gets more and more pissed and irrational, while Eric stays rational and tries to explain himself. She’s freaking out, girl-style, and there’s no going back for Eric here. She tells him to leave and one of them comment, “I’ll be thinking of how this ended” and then “Thank you for your time.” I mean, seriously…and then he dies before they can talk again? That shit would haunt my dreams forever. How SAD.

Eric leaves and it’s the last time we’ll see him on screen. His voiceover says, “Love leads to family. It’s the reason to live.” I’m sobbing at this point and decide I need a serious Bachelorette break.

Chris Harrison tells us that this is Eric’s last episode and it didn’t feel right to show the rose ceremony after this. Instead, he wants to talk to Andi about Eric. I get it but I don’t want to hear Andi talk about him now. She admits that having their last conversation be what it was, is a hard pill to swallow. Uh YEAH.

At the rose ceremony, Tasos was sent home, so Chris tells us. Next Bachelor isn’t on for two weeks. What? I’m relieved – I need a break from the heaviness. Let’s reconvene here in two weeks and talk about blowjobs, herpes and crazy dudes, just like old times.

Monday, June 2, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - My new biggest turn-off? Opera Singing.

This week, Andi decided to get out of LA. That’s right – ANDI decided. She just lifted up production and said, “Yo, we’re going to Santa Barbara. I booked a room at the Bacara.” This show is so stupid.

Nick Date 

Nick, the 33 year-old Software Sales Guy, gets the first one-on-one date and I have this dude totally figured out. He likes to pretend he’s SO COOL and way too good for this whole thing, but actually suffers from debilitating self-esteem issues. The rest is a cover. He goes on and on about his doubts and says, “After today I’ll have a good idea if there is something there or not.” This is code for, “I’ll be able to tell if Andi actually likes me or not, and then I will know whether to say I’m beginning to believe in this process or I’ll pretend it’s all bunk and I don’t give a shit.” I liked him but he’s bugging me a bit here. He redeems himself a little later – he begins to chill out and act a little more normal.

They bike THROUGH town, which seems stressful with a camera crew following you and people all over. They head to Lizard’s Mouth, which sounds lovely. They bond a bit and he tells her that he has a crush on her. He also says any practical person would be skeptical of this process. THIS I totally agree with. But for some reason, with him, it sounds more like a cover than the truth. I’m overthinking. Let’s move on.

They have dinner at a courthouse and he tells her about a past love but the editing is choppy and I can’t follow the story. OR I may have been zoning out. Or I may have been distracted by his wildlife photographer jacket…collar up. There was a 27-year old in there and he dated someone for 7 years and he was too cool, and he met someone to get over the first one. Something like that.

She gives him the rose, and they head up to the clocktower top where they make out a lot, as she rubs her hands through his overgrown pubic hair on top of his head. Wow, gross, sorry.

Group Date 

The group date is for Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick and Marcus. They walk into a music school and they find Boyz II Men. Yes I Googled that to make sure I spelled it right with all the fancy shit like the Z and roman numerals. The guys are so excited that they gasp, cheer, high give and I’m all, “Shut the fuck up they’re TRYING to sing.”

Opera Singer is excited to make an impression here and I can’t tell you how completely turned off I am by him on this date. He sings, “I’ll Make Love to You” with an opera voice, so he sounds like an English knight in a Disney movie or something. Just odd.

I can’t sing for shit so I feel bad tossing around judgments here but oh my god these guys are fucking horrible. HORRID. The best part is how totally bummed out Boyz II Men are. Is? Are? Whatever.

Marquel says, “I’m going to serenade the fuck out of her.” So um, wow.

They head to a concert at an outdoor mall where all the boys look like they’re going to poop their pants. They get up there and Eric sounds good! Of course, of COURSE, he’s the only one. He truly is the hottest, nicest, most talented and most normal dude ever to grace this show. How sad.

Everyone else is horrendous. You can barely tell what song they’re singing. I feel bad for Andi – what a total turn off this is. And the biggest turn-off of all – holding your microphone like this. Douchebag.

They head to the after-party where Andi pulls Cody aside and decides to mess with him. She tells him that the other guys in the house have been telling her that he has a girlfriend. His response: “I’ve been single for three and a half years.” Yikes. She lets him in on the gag and they have a good laugh. Cody tells the camera that it means she likes him because clearly she thought to do that in advance and it means she’s thinking about him. See? Boys can overthink shit too.

Marcus kisses her during their one-on-one time and it’s enough to convince him that they share a connection like NO OTHER. I mean, for real. How can boys be so na├»ve? Josh is about to get to second base with her.

Speaking of Josh, he has an orgasm while he kisses her. The moaning and whispering and tongue action during their kiss is enough to make me crawl under my couch. Your PARENTS are watching, dude. Before that though, she gives him a little grief for forgetting the words to the song. She says, “It was stage fright.” He says, “No no not stage fright! I was just nervous.” Ummm, what does he think stage fright means?

Josh and his tongue work earn him the group date rose.

JJ Date 

So I’m confused about JJ (the 30 year-old Pantsapreneur). I think I like him? He’s cute and sweet. A little goddamn fidgety but cute. The pants are atrocious so is this the quirkiness he speaks of? There is a line you can cross where quirky turns into weird. So we’ll see if he busts through that line.

They get made up to look like old people, which must have taken hours. He looks insane and she looks like Andi without makeup and a gray wig. They were much more ruthless with JJ. She sees him and just dies.

They head to a park to fool people, by making them take pictures of them. HAHAHAHAHA….? It gets mildly more amusing when they start doing cartwheels and she rides on his shoulders. I like that he’s going with the flow and seems kind of fun. He kisses her a couple times, which is gross, and she is like, “STOP trying to kiss me you look disgusting”, but he doesn’t totally get the message.

Why is she riding the carousel like this?

I swear to God, if she says ONE MORE TIME that this is exactly what it would be like growing old together, I will punch her. What are you talking about? Neither of you are in Depends here. You haven’t spent 50 years together watching the other one shit with the door open. He hasn’t seen you poop on the table while giving birth. You haven’t gotten in a million fights yet. You haven’t seen him pick his nose and eat it yet. It’s your first damn date so shut it.

Andi and JJ finally shed the makeup and have dinner. She’s thrilled not to kiss him dressed like an old man again. They chat about his quirkiness and insecurities, which is totally hot. (?) She gives him the rose.

Meanwhile back at the house…Ron packs up and leaves because a buddy of his died so he doesn’t really want to play this game right now. Makes sense. Kind of a shame since he was a frontrunner. Oh wait, no he wasn’t. Also, Dylan bonds with Farmer Chris and tells him how his brother and sister both died of drug overdose. I mean, my God. This is a sad friggin season. I take back what I said in last week’s recap about him having an anger problem. He might have one, but it’s well earned. Poor guy.

 Unacceptable tank top

Cocktail Party 

Highlights from the cocktail party:

• Eric bonds with Andi and I love him.
• Nick has flowers sent to the house, which is cute-ish. Also, I bet that delivery guy is real and NOT a production assistant on the show. They just let him WALTZ right on the set and Andi signed for the flowers. Yup.
• JJ and Josh confront Andrew about how he got a restaurant hostess’ number a few days ago and then bragged about it. Wait, aren’t they not allowed to leave the house? You mean, something is not legit and honest about this show? I’m shocked and saddened.
• JJ and Josh just want to make sure Andrew is there for the right reasons, because they’re there for the right reasons. The right reasons….if I hear it one more time…I’ve been watching this show for too long. They need a re-vamp of the formula or something – this shit is old.
• Andrew runs away like a total pussy. He later says they attacked him because they see him as a threat. Ummm, no. I would barely call that an “attack” by the way, and he’s no more a threat than Ron.

Rose Ceremony 

Nick, Josh and JJ already have roses, and Ron is already gone. The other ten roses go to:

-Marcus (25, Sports Medicine Manager) – Overly confident about Andi connection.
-Brian (27, Basketball Coach) – Normal, cute and not exciting enough to give him lots of airtime. -Marquel (26, Sponsorship Salesman) – Aggressive “fuck” serenading. Horrid singer. HORRID.
-Tasos (30, Wedding Event Coordinator) – Earrings, ghetto mike holder. And gay.
-Cody (28, Personal Trainer) – Big and cute. But not “naked on top of me” cute. That would squish you anyway.
-Patrick (29, Advertising Executive) – Still no idea who this is, but I’m pretty sure he’s gay.
-Chris (32, Farmer) – Normal and cute…Not sure if Andi wants him naked on top of her.
-Eric (31, Explorer) – RIP. I seriously love him.
-Dylan (26, Accountant) – Tragic past, seems pretty sad. Also, he wears awful tank tops.
-Andrew (30, Social Media Marketer) – Smarmy. And I don’t want him anywhere near me naked.

That means Brett and Bradley get sent home. The hairdresser and the opera singer… Poor Bradley is really broken up, wow. He stammers out, “I love to be loved and I love to love.” The guy needs to back away from the dramatic opera shit and catch a football game or something.

See you next week! Dammit, I mean tomorrow.