Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Skank factor raised

Remember yesterday when I said these awesome previews better live up to the hype? Yeah, so they didn’t. All that drama with ambulances, Graham running off when offered a rose and someone getting lost in the jungle? Yeah, well Graham was thirsty and Lacy had the runs. Talk about over-selling, geesh.

Lacy pukes in the middle of the rose ceremony. By “in the middle of”, I mean, she ran to a toilet and then puked in it. She’s been in Mexico – this is not a shocking diagnosis. She gets an ambulance, goes to the hospital and good ‘ol Marcus hangs out with her. He was “terrified” for her. Seems like a strong word for the runs. Although once, I had a serious bug and pooped my pants in a movie theater. Then I threw up and crawled out of the bathroom, where I collapsed in a poop-filled heap in the lobby of the theater. My boyfriend at the time was there with me and indeed, he looked terrified. I DO wonder if that had more to do with the fact that I had just shit my pants in front of him, or my overall health…we broke up soon after. I don’t think you get over that. Poor guy.

End of rose ceremony: Michelle gives her rose to Cody, Sarah gives it to Robert and Jackie gives it to Jesse, shocker. So Marquel and Kalon go home, no loss there.


Who the hell is this? She is from the Midwest – clearly - and has horrible hair extensions and a significant drinking problem. She’s wacky skinny, kind of pretty but also suffers from a debilitating self-esteem problem. Also, she is SUNBURNED.

Aren't you NOT supposed to see the extension clips?

She asks Zack on her date and he says no, because he’s committed to Clare (dammit, he says!) As they play happily-ever-after music, Clare is filled with hope saying she now knows he cares for her and she trusts him! If that’s not a set-up for a teardown, I don’t know what is.

She takes Jesse out on the dreaded culture date, and these guys are probably the two most ill-suited people for this type of date…next to me. They don’t care about culture shit – the girl needs a drink. They find some tequila and beer and they can FINALLY relax. She’s a drunk for sure, but I agree a little alcohol could ease the pain of that shitty date.

Sarah/Robert Date 

Sarah tells us this date will be very telling for where their future lies. Oh good, another girl with totally realistic expectations. This ONE date will say it ALL. They seem super cute together and he is much hotter than originally thought. However, the sexual chemistry between the two of them is about as strong as it is with me and my stepbrother. (For clarity, that means NONE. I repeat I have no sexual chemistry with my stepbrother)

They take a dip in a Mexican koi pond and affirm my judgment regarding the lack of chemistry. They kiss, but there is something that just feels off. Like the two of them want to be with someone and there’s literally nobody else left, so they’re just all, fuck it – let’s hang out.

Back at the House 

Christy needs to get wasted because, well, it’s Tuesday. Cody is mere moments shy of molesting Michelle, and Zack is kicking himself that he didn’t give drunk Christy a chance. So he talks to Clare and tells her that he’s still trying to determine if they’re right for each other. In Clare’s head, this simple revelation is equal to telling her he hates her guts and wants to kill her. She freaks the shit out, runs into the jungle, cries a whole lot, chats with the raccoon and decides to go home. She breaks the news to Zack, which is just a veiled attempt at hoping he’ll beg her to stay…but he doesn’t. He actually might have said that, but she again overreacts and interrupts him, so he’s all, “get the fuck out.” Not really, but for real, Clare - You’re a good gal, truly. You just need to get a handle on the out-of-control emotional shit. I do think Zack is a bit…dickie about these things. He acts all innocent, but some of the shit he says is not totally nice and easy.

Lucy comes spinning down the beach. She’s the incredibly annoying and YOUNG free spirit. Apparently this is code for slutty and homeless looking. This chick is bananas annoying, my god. She gets naked, pretending to be a free spirit but really just desperate for attention. I need to be a therapist, for reals, people.

Lucy/Jesse Date 

Jesse is everyone’s “might as well take him” for the dates this week. They go to Chee-Chin-Izza and walk through ruins, snooze. Lucy is awkward city with her giggling and Jesse’s take on the date sounds like this: “She’s got a great personality and I can’t wait for her to take her top off again.”


Michelle/Cody Date 

He is the female version of Clare. He’s so nice, but dude, chill the fuck out. My god, he gets attached quickly. Yikes. Michelle comments that she appreciates how “all-in” he is with her. So THAT could be misconstrued.

They head to some fancy hotel and take engagement photos…odd since they’re not, you know, ENGAGED. They then force her to wear a wedding gown and take more wedding photos. The freeze-frame with cheesy font saying their names is too fucking much. Also, THIS is a wedding photo we all have, am I right, ladies?

Graham/Ashlee Date 

Oddly, they go racecar driving in Mexico. As expected, she is a total wuss and drives 15 miles per hour. Doesn’t she go normal freeway speeds at home? Can’t she go at least 60? Graham comments that she proved to him she’s ready for a minivan. I could have told you that based on her general, I AM OBSESSED WITH GETTING MARRIED, vibe.

That’s it. I’m annoyed he likes her cause she sucks.

Other Annoying Happenings 

Lacy and Marcus have now ceased to give us any interesting TV whatsoever. If it were up to the producers, they would kick them off the show and bring in some more insane, disease-ridden psychos. But they can’t, and they can’t totally ignore them, so about once an hour they show them making out and professing love.

Jesse and Lucy are also making out, but he might just be making out with a homeless dude who wandered into Tulum. I can’t tell. Then Christy goes to him since she’s feeling desperate now and he makes out with her too. And grabs her ass in the dark. Pssst, guys, there’s a camera in there…and your parents are watching. WAIT! Lucy is all, I’M SEXUAL TOO YO! Pay attention to me! Love me! What you’re busy with Christy? OK no problem, I’ll come in too.

So gross.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

Zack tells Jackie that he wants to get to know her better but he SWEARS it’s not that Clare just left and he’s moving onto her. OH wait, yes, that’s exactly how it is. Christy then begs for her rose from Jesse, and Lucy says she’s starting shit, but I don’t get at all how she’s doing that? So it doesn’t really work, and she’s toast.

Chris Harrison walks in and tells the kids that their time in paradise is shortening, so time is of the essence to fall in love. Ahhh yes, nothing will make true love happen more effectively than a ticking clock. GO! YOU HAVE THREE DAYS TO FALL IN LOVE! GO!

Robert gives his rose to Sarah, Graham to AshLEE and Cody to Michelle. Marcus gives his rose to Lacy and gives a horrid speech and sticks his tongue down her throat. Harrison is not amused. Zack gives his rose to Jackie and Jesse to Christy. Buh Bye, Lucy.

I have no idea how many episodes are left. My hope is forever, but alas…it won’t be. Two more weeks, maybe? Then we have a break until January, when Farmer Chris looks for love…he was just announced as the new Bachelor, in case you missed it. Love you peeps, see you next week.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Everyone's eggs are in everyone's baskets

These two nights better deliver on all this drama – these previews are bananas! Bring it on, you hopeless crazy people. Also, sorry this is so late. Busy day…and I still have to watch tonight’s show!

Robert/Sarah Date 

We start the show with Robert asking Sarah out on a date, which sets Michelle off. She’s crying, pissed and oh so lonely. She’s hot and normal-ish, but she’s all, “EVERYONE HAS SOMEONE. I WANT SOMEONE!” and I don’t dig it. It’s ok to be lonely and want a husband – don’t just say it out loud, so passionately and crazy-like.

They hardly show anything from this date, probably because these people are too normal, so it’s boring. Sarah does comment on how safe Robert makes her feel while swimming in the ocean. However, from what I know, he’s not a certified lifeguard so I don’t follow this logic.


Cody does zero for me, sexually. I mean, zero. He seems super sweet and clearly makes physical fitness a priority but I have no interest in him rubbing up on me naked. Clare feels the same as I do…She’s tempted to love on him but only because he seems to be a much more secure option than wild card Zack.

Anyway, he asks Clare out on a date and she tells him she’s going to give it a try with Zack, so no, she can’t go out with Cody (this actually takes about 35 minutes of airtime but I compressed it here to one sentence because you people really don’t need the shitty play-by-play.) Clare asks Zack about it and he’s all, “I like you and all but whatevs.” Basically, Zack likes her but not a lot. He’s not willing to say that he’s 100 percent committed to her forever. Clare is emotionally needy so unless he’s all “I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO MARRY YOU,” she’ll be bummed. This is not a great match. Also, there is a lot of talk about eggs in baskets, which I can only assume is code for penises in vaginas.

Marcus/Lacy Date 

Cody decides not to go on his date, since it would be tacky to invite someone as sloppy seconds. Umm, this show is all ABOUT sloppy seconds, pluuuuease. Marcus and Lacy go out instead, loving each other and being needy and gross. Also, that’s an annoying loveseat to eat dinner on. You have to lean way over to put food in your mouth?

They chat about how much they love each other’s features and how she will never get scared off. It’s nice they like each other, but they are going to have a serious reality check when they get home and Lacy asks him to fill her car up with gas and normal shit like that. How can you go from an all-expenses paid vacation in a tropical hotel that resembles a sombrero, to living in a shitty condo with cats in Akron? No offense to Akron. Total offense to cats.


Kalon does LESS for me sexually than Cody. Yes, he’s a total dirtbag, but just physically he scares me. Why do his lips look like he’s had injections? Why is he so blotchy? Admittedly, his major asshole-ness helps his unattractiveness.

He asks Michelle out on a date who says yes, for reasons I can’t explain. Maybe she wants someone to motorboat the shit out of her boobs, because he makes it clear that’s one of his strengths. The next morning she decides there is no reason to go out with him so she tells him she changes her mind. He then asks Jackie who oddly says no because it wouldn’t be beneficial. Say what? Sarah then says no, just because…no. He decides to go on the date by himself, which is amazing. Of course, he thinks he’s SO funny to make out with himself and have conversations with himself and I hate him that much more. Also, I bet he makes high-pitched squeals when he has orgasms.

"This is probably what I look like having an orgasm!!!! AHHHH!!"

Jesse Kovacs/Jackie Date 

This guy sucks too. What’s with all the assholes? I guess if they were all normal and nice, there wouldn’t be good drama. He asks Jackie out on a date. Marquel sad. They head to Rio Secreto…said with a full American accent. Not pronounced secret-oh, but secreeeet – oh. As in…underpant secretion. It’s like a big joke on all of us now.

Jesse makes it clear to everyone but her that he’s out with Jackie because it is his only option for getting a rose this week. Is this chick that dumb too? Truly, how is it possible Clare remains the smartest one in the bunch? I think being on this show would be like hanging out in the Southwest terminal. You’re automatically the smartest and prettiest one there simply by comparison.

AshLEE/Zack/Clare Drama Central 

This could truly take pages to recap correctly, so I’m going to sum this up for you as quickly as possible. AshLEE, who is just extremely cunty in this whole deal, chats with Zack and doesn’t think she’s on camera. She tells him to see other chicks and be careful of Clare because she likes to fuck in the ocean. I am first confused why this is a negative? Having sex in the ocean is difficult and uncomfortable at best, so maybe Clare should be getting high fives for having the stamina and muscle to do it. Why warn him against it?

Once AshLEE realizes that conversation was on camera, she panics. She runs around the house telling everyone what she said, which also seems counterproductive when trying to hide your shitty actions. Bottom line – she’s a shitty ass, bitchy bitch girl. A girl who downright sucks. Lacy tells Clare everything and we see Clare then grab two knives, simply preparing a salad or something, but hey it looks kind of threatening.

AshLEE Cunty tries to apologize to Clare who wants no part of it. Good for you, Clare. Fuck that psycho. Oh MY, that was quite strong. And no, cunty, Clare does NOT want to hug it out, bitch pants. Back off.

Cocktail Party 

Soooo, Cody has apparently decided in the last 7 hours that he no longer likes Clare but is interested in Michelle. This show is seriously about being with the other single person in the room. That’s it. Anyway, he tells Michelle he wants to get to know her, he kisses her, etc. Michelle comments that ever since she’s been there, she’s felt like a plan B…or C. Even D sometimes, but she’s never been a Plan A. And then Cody came in and swept her off her feet. Ummm, swept you off your feet AFTER being denied by Clare, thereby cementing your Plan B status? Theeeeen YES, that is correct.

Michelle tells Graham what happened two days earlier with AshLEE and it’s funny he has no idea. What is he doing all day while all this drama is going down? He seems pretty bummed out he just found out he’s dating a whore bitch monster.

Rose Ceremony 

Girls are giving out roses this week:

-Lacy gives hers to Marcus
-Clare gives hers to Zack
-AshLEE bitch tries to gives hers to Graham….who oddly walks away. And then? TO. BE. CONTINUED. Those bastards! So onto tonights show…

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Bitches Be Crazy

Elise scares me. How much of this crazy is editing? I fear not enough. And what’s with all the metaphors? In the storm of reality TV, this show is my rainbow.

Despite her obsession with Dylan, within minutes, she has become obsessed with Chris. “I’m really glad I gave the rose to Chris.” Ummm, you barely did. You tried to give it to Dylan who said no, and then you gave it to Chris because he was the only other one there. And Chris is hot for some Tulum penetration so he says yes in a heartbeat. Screw the bruised ego - He wants to bruise her vagina. Sorry, gross.

Danielle walks in – from Juan Pablo’s season? Whatever. She came for Marquel so she asks him out on a date. Michelle says, ”Things are not awesome with me and Marquel right now.” I’d say that’s valid. When a guy is attempting to bang at least two other women while staying with you in a house, I’d say things have gone downhill.

Marquel/Danielle Date 

A prop plane in Mexico? Why don’t they just throw them off a cliff? Deathtrap much?

Danielle says, “This could be the first date with the man I’m going to marry.” My god, why must girls say shit like this? No, it won’t be. You want to know why? Because you said that.

Elise gets a date card and asks Chris, of course. Also, she’s still talking about rainbows. Chris hurt his knee. Some Mexican man twists it, puts his hand on it, and says, “It’s sprained.” This does not instill a lot of confidence in the Mexican medical system. A friend of a friend once kicked a cinderblock in Mexico, thinking it was a cardboard box (alcohol was involved, duh). He shattered his foot, went to a hospital, where they cast it. Later that night, back at his condo, it swelled and he was in excruciating pain, so his drunk buddies managed to cut the cast off of him, and send him back to the US on a plane. I mean…

Anyway, back to Marquel’s date. They walk around some ruins, a church, I don’t know. It looks old and dirty. Danielle is not saying much to her future husband. She’s cute, but I fear boring. They have a very sexless swim. Not much goin’ on here in the chemistry department. The date is a bore until they almost get hit by lightning. My god, they could’ve fried in that pool, mere moments before! It’s amazing anyone gets out of there alive.

Back at the Herpes Compound 

Elise: “Chris and I are on the same page. He represents hope to me.” Seriously, is she drunk? She then adds, “He’s a man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to fight for it.” Well that’s true. The dude wants your vagina and he is GOING on that overnight date despite excruciating pain. He will fight for that vagina.

Michelle and Clare set up a double date for Zack and Robert. So these relationships are going nowhere. I actually like Zack and Clare together, but I’m preeeeeety sure Jackie and Zack would pick each other if given the chance. And for some reason, Robert ain’t into Money.

Chris/Elise Date 

You can barely call this a date. It’s like a jail time conjugal visit. There is no other agenda here but to bang each other into tomorrow. Good lord.

Before they go, Chris says he wants to go on the date, even with his bad knee because “She’s got a bangin’ body” and “It’s a night date and stuff could happen, so we’re going.” He’s totally skeezy, yes, but I actually think a lot of this is editing. Every time we hear his voiceover, it’s chopped up. I also find it weird that at the rose ceremony later, he’s talking all about love, but NEVER once mentions anything about actually liking her before that. So oddly, I don’t think he’s as gross as they’re making him out to be. I realize this is odd for me.

The producers have put the Deathtrap airplane on retainer as it’s used for every date this week. Elise and Chris head out to Charpachy or whatever it’s called. They eat dinner and COULD she look any sluttier in that dress? They “swim” in the hotel pool. I’m certain that bathing suit is not actually supposed to get wet. Also, that is not the suit you wear when trying to sell yourself as wife material.

 "Is this dress subtle?"

After they head to the hotel room, they play audio of him moaning. Those are clips of him walking in pain with his knee. They don’t have microphones on them while they bang in the herpes suite. Give me a break.

Back at STD Headquarters

Sarah is torn up here, people. Michelle is out seducing Robert and Sarah cries, saying she doesn’t have the confidence to put together something like that. She comments her biggest enemy is herself. She says Michelle is beautiful and confident, and everything she’s not. Sarah is super normal and cute – she’s got ONE problem and it’s easily fixable: STOP hanging out with Bachelor chicks. They’re all hotter than most, sluttier than most, much more aggressive than most and wear WAY more makeup than most. Normal life isn’t that freaky. I’d feel like shit about myself hanging out with Michelle Money’s body too. Also, thank God Sarah isn’t talking about the arm anymore as the source of her lack of confidence. It is not about the arm.

Jackie from Sean’s season walks in. She’s much hotter than I remember. She asks Marquel on a date, whose head is growing immensely from all this attention. I want to remind him that he’s getting all this attention mostly because he’s one of the only ones not coupled up – he’s the new Clare.

The next morning, Graham complains to Michelle how AshLEE is psycho and annoying because she’s way too into him, talking about meeting her Dad, and just being crazy in general. Let’s discuss AshLEE. She’s probably the hottest one there, but I find her totally unattractive because she’s crazy and SO boring. She needs to drink more, perhaps tell a joke or two and just chill the fuck out. Graham is 100% not into her. He just has no other options. She peed all over him, marked her territory and now nobody else can touch him.

Marcus and Lacy update. They’re all in love and doing Dirty Dancing moves in the hot tub. So that’s nice? I guess?

Marquel/Jackie Date 

Ugh, more ruins. Good lord, they had to walk up all those stairs? Sweat central, gross. You know what else is gross? Commentating your kiss. Shut UP, Marquel. Ewww. “I don’t normally kiss on the first date (liar), but I’m going to take this opportunity to do so. If you’re feeling it, please move in and participate as you wish. If not, pull back. Aaaaaand here I come.” I’d seriously laugh out loud.

More House Things 

Elise has even managed to slut it up for the plane ride home. They head to a hospital and then back to Chris’ bunk bed where she brings him ice. She’s SO excited to take care of him, because this is a real life setting. Sigh…NOTHING on this show is remotely close to real life. Even an injury sustained, believe it or not…is not real life here. You know what would be real life? If one of these chicks gave birth, screamed in pain, shit all over the delivery table and then ended up with an emergency c-section with your intestines put on the little side table next to the operating table. Do THAT and then you can talk to me about a real life setting. Assholes. Also, I know I’ve made this joke before, but guess what? This show repeats itself, so I can too.

Clare is crying about her dad, who passed away ten years ago this week. It’s actually really cute that Zack comforts her and it’s all kind of sad. And then in an unbelievable twist, her dead father appears reincarnated in the shape of a female Mexican sea turtle giving birth on the beach. Wow!

AshLEE and Graham Date 

I’ve never seen a dude SO uninterested in a chick before. They’ve been there three weeks and haven’t kissed yet. He’s NOT into you, lady. But she follows his Instagram so…there’s that.

They have a boring dinner and then dance for three minutes in the town square. And by “dance”, I mean, she wiggles a little. They have two hotel rooms and THIS tells me how crazy she is: She is hot and he has the opportunity to hit that, but even he knows that doing so would bring on so much crazy he couldn’t control it.

In a last curtain call of crazy, she ends the date by saying, “I don’t want to rush things but we’d have hot babies.” Let’s talk about how weird it is to call an infant “hot”. I remember when I was almost bleeding out on the operating table and I finally saw my son, I said, “OMG he’s so hot.”

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

It’s clear who the guys are giving their roses to this week, with the exception of Robert and Marquel. Robert is torn between Sarah and Michelle and Marquel is torn between Danielle and Jackie. Chris Harrison’s suit is horrendous.

-Graham gives his rose to AshLEE. He’s sad about it.
-Zack gives his rose to Clare, but wishes it was going to Jackie.
-Marcus gives his rose to Lacy
-Marquel gives his rose to Jackie, in the least surprising give of the night.
-Robert gives his rose to Sarah, and Michelle is bummed.
-Chris calls Elise’s name but tells her that he can’t give her the rose because his knee hurts and he’s going home. He then makes the mistake of a lifetime, and asks her to come with him. Let’s talk about this.

He doesn’t ACTUALLY want her to come with him, literally. I think he means, let’s date, you can fly to Chicago and visit me, etc. I just don’t want you to stay here and date more – date me instead. However, in the Tulum airport, she changes her ticket to a one-way ticket to Chicago, hires a moving van to pick up her shit at her house and then buys herself a Chicago sweatshirt. He’s so screwed.

Chris says he still has a rose to give and gives it to Michelle, saying she deserves to find love. You’d think someone just bought her a house – she is overjoyed. “I will never forget this as long as I live.” Really? She’s so easy to please!

Next week looks amazeballs despite the fact the producers are asking us to spend FOUR fucking hours watching this shit. See you then!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise - Too much amazingness to choose from for this title. Wow.

There’s actually almost TOO much to discuss. I mean, I could write for days on this episode. I have no clue where to even start. So. Much. Grossness.

Mr. Putz 

Crazy Michelle K. left last week but apparently she started banging Mr. Putz, a NOT smart crewmember, right before they started filming. Harrison tries to talk to Michelle about the drama and she refuses, saying she doesn’t need to talk to Chris because “he’s just the host”. I mean, she has a point.

After she left the show, Mr. Putz and Michelle met up in a hotel room. A staffer knocked on the door and Mr. Putz freaked out about getting caught. It was then that he decides his best course of action is to jump off the balcony of the hotel room, breaking both his feet. I mean… there’s no commentary needed. Truly. Ok one thing: Is there just a moment of clarity you'd have, lying in a mexican hospital with ghetto bandages on both feet, after having jumped from a balcony to avoid Bachelor in Paradise cameras, where you just wonder where life steered you wrong?

Chris Butt-something–ski 

Chris B walks up and they play Jaws music, which is funny considering his dumpy pants and long torso – it’s not like Jaws, really. He has a date card and decides after five minutes in the house to ask Clare, everyone’s favorite platonic date.

He takes her to the Mexican spa where THESE hands rub her down with oil, all sexual-like.

Meanwhile, back at the sex shack, Robert is bent out of shape because fifteen minutes ago Lacy was all over his hog, but now she’s decided to marry Marcus. The girl DOES change her mind on a dime. That’s fast, even for herpes-dise.

Speaking of herpes, Elise is chatting Dylan’s ear off about how she’s a Pisces so she likes water. You can just SEE it on Dylan’s face - It’s saying: I would kill myself if forced to listen to her for the next 50 years of my life. What was I thinking? However, Elise loves to talk to the camera about how she’s so in love with Dylan, how they’re meant to be and how they connect on so many levels. Ummm, ONE. You connect on ONE level and it’s the level of your vagina.

The editing makes everyone look like bigger assholes. As soon as she’s done telling the camera how much she loves Dylan, he says that every minute he’s hanging out with Elise is one less minute to meet other chicks. He basically tells her this to her face, and she tells the camera he’s just scared…thus beginning her serious, serious delusions about him.

Back on the date, Clare thinks perhaps Chris isn’t as bad as rumored. She says he seems like a nice guy. Very un-herpes like. In about three hours, she’ll change her mind.

Marcus Date 

Marcus takes Lacy out on his date and Robert is STILL talking about it. Lacy comments that it’s not too soon to consider a future with Marcus (YES IT IS) but she’s concerned because he just got out of a relationship with Andi (NO HE DID NOT). Apparently, they discuss it and it’s all good. They make a wish on some freaky shrine of candles and I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to blow them out. It’s not a birthday cake?

Back at the herpes hut, Elise is wasted and making out with gross Chris in the ocean. I hope sharks aren’t attracted to herpes like they are chum. If so, it’ll be like Jaws 5 here in a minute.

Next Morning 

Shockingly, Elise regrets her sluttiness. Continuing the delusion, she’s convinced her actions will only draw Dylan closer to her. She claims what they have is special and this is a turning point. YES. Yes, it is. Turning toward Valtrex and away from your crazy face…you nut.

She decides to tell Dylan about how busy her vagina has been, and he tells her this isn’t meant to be. She continues to think he’s just playing hard to get or something. Was I this stupid about boys in my twenties? This is amazing.

Zack from Desiree’s season is here and I have no idea who this is. I went back to my recaps of Desiree’s season and for four straight episodes, every time I mention Zack, I wrote in parenthesis (who the fuck is this?) So apparently there’s not much history. He seems cute.

Zack Date 

Zack chooses Clare for his date and they get the dreaded “culture” date of exploring the town. She claims to enjoy it though because she’s exploring her heritage. Say what? She thinks she’s 50% Mexican. I bet her mom once told her she’s half Canadian and half ‘Merican and she thought she said “Mexican” and has been running with it ever since.

She says this date is different than the other five she’s been on this week because there’s a romantic connection with him. She felt it in the ocean. Oh Clare. I get it and it’s funny but you have to know they’re going to edit you like an asshole, so just don’t say shit like that.

Back at the hotel, Elise continues to claim Dylan loves her but this is just a hurdle for their relationship. She is crazy delusional. Cray. Chris B. tells us he has nicknamed Dylan, “Fat Damon”. It’s not a bad nickname, but Dylan isn’t fat, he’s just that male-cheerleader-type of stocky. Chris B shouldn’t be bashing on other’s looks either, Freaky Long Torso Man.

Dylan Date 

Elise is frighteningly convinced Dylan will take her on his date, despite the fact he told her that he wouldn’t. He asks Sarah who annoyingly tells him she’ll think about it. That’s so annoying. She talks to Elise, I fall asleep just for a second, Sarah tells Dylan she’ll go, they go out to eat, they come home, the end. Wow that was boring.

Ben Drama 

Ben has a girlfriend back home. This chick CANNOT be smart because she just let him go on Bachelor in Paradise? Anyway, she wrote him a love note, Ben stuck it in his backpack and Marcus found it…and by “found it”, I mean, the producers gave it to him. He shows Marquel, they confront Ben, Ben admits he loves chick back home and decides to leave. What’s funny is that if any of these chicks liked him, he would’ve been on them in a heartbeat.

Michelle Money is oddly torn up about the whole thing, presumably because he took the place of another guy who would be there for the RIGHT FUCKING REASONS. I hate this show.

Cocktail Party 

I love how Chris Harrison comes in and stirs shit up: “Doesn’t that whole Ben thing remind you why dating totally sucks?” Michelle comments how she has great, open communication with Marquel. Apparently it’s over-communication. Marquel needs to shut UP.

Marquel: Hi Michelle. You look hot. Also, you drink too much.
Michelle: I do NOT. Do I? Wait, no. Wait, I do. No I do NOT.
Marquel: I actually have a list of shit I don’t like about you.
Marquel: Don’t worry, I have a list of things I like, too.
Michelle: The list of shit I hate about you starts with those fucking Napoleon Dynamite glasses. You are not cool enough to pull that off.
Marquel: Back to you. What is that shit on your forehead?
Michelle: I hate you, but I think you’re my only hope this week.

Dylan tells Elise he doesn’t like her and if she gives him a rose he won’t accept it. OK He bounces around it a little nicer than that, but the message is clear. Clear-ish. Clear enough, people. But she claims he’s sending mixed signals. Ummm, not entirely. If he’s sending mixed signals, they’re mixed between totally hating you and hating you a little.

Rose Ceremony 

Girls are giving out roses this week. Here you go:

-Lacy gives her rose and gigantic boobs to Marcus
-AshLEE gives her rose and crazy to Graham, who barely wants it
-Clare gives her rose to Zack and his connection
-Michelle oddly gives her rose to Marquel. Huh?
-Elise tries to give her rose to Dylan. As discussed, he says no. She says:

I want to thank Dylan because I am a woman. I need 100% and a man to fight for me. I thank you, Dylan. Life has ups and downs, you guys. I am like a little baboon. You guys, I will fight for my right to ocean bang. The stock market is up, the wind blows. I am just a rose, with thorns. Thank you, Dylan, peace to all, and to all a good night. Chris, do you want my rose?

Ummm NO, says Chris. But yes. Thanks?

Sarah totally pusses out and gives her rose to Robert instead of Dylan, who I think she liked? Probably doesn’t want to piss off Elise. Also, let’s be honest, Sarah and Dylan didn’t stand a chance. So if one or two people get voted off each week, and one or two new people come each week, then this shit could hypothetically go on forever? That would be AMAAAAAZING.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise – Should I watch or not? I’m 80/40.

I bet this entire series is a set-up social experiment…for US, the viewers, to see just how shitty a show can be and still draw in millions of viewers. Like me. Because I tell ya people, I was SUCKED into this shit.

First of all, what a fucking fuck fest. My god. Second, what a T and A fest. My god. Lastly, what a showcase of somewhat-hot, stupid people. My. God.

Herpes-Dise Cast

Clare, 33, Juan Pablo’s Season 
My initial notes on Clare said “Skank-o-Rama”. However, after watching this show, she is not only one of the more normal ones, but one of the smartest. As a friend said, when Clare is the intellectual anchor of the group, we're in trouble. Clare tells Chris Harrison that she “has been focusing on getting back to being Clare.” Ohhh maybe not the best idea. Maybe we should’ve worked on NOT being so Clare? Juuuust kidding.

Marcus, 25, Andi’s Season 
He just came off a tough breakup, but “hopefully this will help”. By tonight, you’ll be deep inside three chicks, so YEAH, at least you’ll be distracted.

Sarah, 27, Sean’s Season 
 “I was insecure about having one arm, but now I’m not.” She adds, “As a matter of fact, I own this shit. I will beat your stupid ass over the head with my stump if you fuck with me. DEAL with it.” And you know what? She ain’t lying. She showed a considerable amount of sass this episode.

Marquel, 27, Andi’s Season 
“His outfit was on point”, said someone. Ummm NO, no it was not. He looked like a rodeo clown. Suspenders in Mexico? OK?

Daniella, 25, Sean’s Season 

Graham, 35, Deanna’s Season 
At 35 years old, he’s like the Betty White of this show. Can he get older? Yes, I recognize I’m 39 and most of my friends are saying, “I can’t believe they think he’s old at 35.” For this franchise, he is old as fuck. And he’s been on these shows for a goddamn decade, my god. Also, he’s totally normal, kind, sweet and hot. How is he still single?

Lacy, Juan Pablo’s Season 
Calling her boobs “big” is like saying Acapulco is “kind of” dangerous. Her boobs are friggin ginormous. And they’re real, I think, cause they’re kind of bouncy.

 No comment.

Ben, 30, Desiree’s Season 
He was a total douche bag on Desiree’s season, but he had about six lines this entire episode.

Michelle K, 30, Jake’s Season 
This chick is not only the craziest thing to see this franchise in awhile, but she is CREEPY. I don’t want to write anything mean about her, actually. She’ll find me. So yes, Michelle K is beautiful and so sweet.

Robert, 31, Desiree Season 
No clue.

Dylan, 26, Andi’s Season 
He looks way better with the short hair, but there’s still something not quite right. Like he MIGHT beat you up if you interrupt his football game?

Elise, 28, Juan Pablo’s Season 

AshLEE, 33, Sean’s Season 
She is not only completely psycho but she has NO qualms in readily showing it. She truly has no idea why it’s psycho to say, “I had already planned for us to run off into the sunset together” after meeting someone 18 hours prior.

Harrison then explains to the gang that this week, there is one more girl than guy. So each guy gets a rose at the end of the week to give out. The girl left without a rose, goes home. Oh and just for kicks, there are some date cards given to the girls this week, and that girl decides which guy goes with her on the date. Oh and next week, it switches and the girls hand out roses. That’s right, I just spent a paragraph explaining the rules.

They head to their vacation house/hotel and it’s open and fun, but also very….MEXICAN. It’s like a giant decorated sombrero in there.

Sarah comments that, “Lacy is comin’ in hot”, and I have to say its on-point. Lacy is used to those tatas getting her some attention and she will make SURE she walks away from this Herpes-dise with more than just a sexually transmitted disease. She is ON IT, people. She immediately attacks Marcus, then Robert. When both of those guys go out on dates at the same time, she completely freaks out. “I don’t know how to function longer than three minutes without a man fondling my breasts!!! HELP!”

Dylan and Elise head to the ocean where I want to run up to them and take their glasses away from them. People! That shit will shatter in your fucking face. Be responsible! My goodness, are we 22 here?

Clare Date 

Clare picks Graham for the first date – a date in the ruins, puke. Graham is the only one who would ACTUALLY appreciate it, so good choice. However, AshLEE freaks the fuck out. This chick is dangerous crazy. I mean, we’re talking less than 24 hours of knowing him and she is CRYING, saying under her breath, “He couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours. And he’s not here for me obviously.” I mean, bitch! You crazy! No, he’s not there for you. He’s here, like the other guys, to look at Lacy’s tits. Get over it.

Clare talks to the raccoon, who convinces her to take Robert instead. Also can I just say how fucking stupid the bachelor producers are? She’s talking to someone and they edit it to make it look like she’s talking to the raccoon, just to make her look like an asshole. I mean, it’s great, don’t get me wrong, but give me a break.

So yes, she decides to bow to the crazy bitch and takes Robert on the date instead. Ummm, how pissed is Graham? And how awesome does Robert feel, Mr. Sloppy Seconds?

So Clare is fun and normal-ish here, minus the whole “vista” debacle of course. They claim this is “amazing”. Ummm, except for all the fucking ants biting you? No thanks. Where’s the yacht date please? Culture shit is dirty.

Sarah Date 

Sarah takes Marcus on her date, which is aiming high, so I’ll give her that. They head to a cavern thing with a lagoon thing. They swim and she straight-up makes the first move. It’s awkward city, as she says, “I WANT to jump in, but I want to kiss you first.” He’s all…..ok?

Back at the sombrero, Michelle Money walks in the door and she also has been around the Bachelor block, but I dig her cause she’s normal. Until she complains about her old age and stretch marks and then busts out her models’ body. Lady, shut up. Also, she needs to seriously seriously chill OUT on the makeup. Good gravy.

Michelle has a date card and takes Marquel after deciding that’s her best bet of getting a rose. I mean, after realizing she’s totally into him? Whatevs.

Before they leave on the date, we see AshLEE apologize to Graham and I will tell you this: It does NOT help her crazy-case.

Michelle Date 

This date doesn’t deserve it’s own heading. I have nothing to say, except for the fact I think he’s wearing a seashell shirt and I’ve never seen a human being so uncomfortable on a horse before. Also, if she’s worried about HER body, I need to lock myself away in a box. Whoa.

Back at the hat, Lacy is in a pickle because she’s already promised her vagine to both Robert and Marcus. So who to choose for her date? She’s 80/40. Makes total sense because she’s 80 to one guy, 40 to the other, which puts her 20 over. That’s for her boobs. I know that makes no sense, sorry.

Lacy Date 

The 80 minus 20 wins and she takes Robert (?). What the hell is her hair doing? It’s like a fat old bun. Like her big boob on her head.

Rose Ceremony/Cocktail Party 

Two girls are going to go home, because now that Michelle Money is there, there are two more girls than guys. Crazy Michelle K. interrupts the rose ceremony to leave because she knows damn well she ain’t getting a rose. Then the guys give out roses:

-Marquel gives it to Michelle, who looks like Marie Antoinette.
-Graham gives it to AshLEE because as Sarah so perfectly describes, “If he doesn’t give it to her, he’ll get his balls chopped off.” Damn straight.
-Dylan gives it to Elise, who claims she already loves Dylan. WHY WHY WHY so much crazy? -Marcus gives it to Lacy, in a move to show her that he wants her vagine STAT.
-Robert gives it to Clare because quite frankly, Lacy already has a rose.
-Ben gives it to Sarah. Not sure why? Because Daniella was option B and nobody knows who she is.

So next week looks good because apparently crazy Michelle K. was hooking up with the son of the hotel owner. I made that up. But it looks a little dramatic, so that’s fun. See you then, peeps.