Thursday, September 11, 2014

My New Blog!

Weeee! Here's my new blog. All of the old content is here - so please be sure to delete the other one from your bookmarks, rss feed, whatever. ADD THIS ONE!

Enter your email (look to the right, scroll down, and enter your email in the box that says "follow by email") to receive email updates, or add this to your rss feed!

Or click on the Facebook button to the right and "Add" it as a friend - that is the only place I will now post the links to my blog!

I will see you in January, friends!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise – How pissed off is Neil Lane right now?

Was there a drunken Sephora employee stationed at the Herpes pad? I mean, my god, ladies. Not only are you all wearing WAY too much makeup when you’re at the beach, but that’s too much makeup for a Vegas stage production. Ease up, holy smokes.

Chris Harrison tells the remaining twelve people, six “couples” (using the term loosely), that now is the time to take a hard, honest look at your “relationships” (using the term loosely). If you don’t see it going anywhere, then leave. And you have to decide NOW, RIGHT NOW, if you want to be with them. Sooo, they fought to stay every week and now they just choose to leave? This show is so weird.

Jackie admits to the camera that she doesn’t know if she can fully picture an idea of love with Zack, because, well…they just had one date about 48 hours ago. Yes, Jackie. Yes, I’d say that’s valid. This show is so fucked up.

Despite the fact they’re supposed to be talking to each other, the boys and girls separate and chit chat amongst themselves. AshLEE is so full of shit that Money can’t handle it, and runs to Graham. He then runs to AshLEE and dumps her ass. Yes, it looks like we can blame this on Michelle, but please. He didn’t like her. At all. Really…I think he was sad because he’s a nice guy and felt bad for squashing her heart, but he didn’t like her that much. Also, I’m going to wear THIS to elementary school drop off tomorrow morning:

Why isn’t Graham the next Bachelor?

Christy and Tasos break up in about sixteen seconds. The girl has yet another wicked sunburn. Then, Jackie and Zack break up in about twenty seconds. Also, THIS is what I’m wearing to school drop off on Thursday:

But only if I can find these earrings to go with it and if my makeup looks like this:

Robert and Sarah decide to stay. “I’m not packing my bags.” “Neither am I.” Weeeee! Decision made. Harrison would be disappointed in their lack of a fully-thought-through dissection of the relationship.

Money can’t make a goddamn decision about Cody. She is stressed about it and says, “It is literally like someone has a gun to your head.” And with that comment, every person in America who has ACTUALLY had a gun to their head, gives a collective, “Fuck off dummy” to Michelle.

Money calls her daughter, Brielle, to help her with this decision, which is totally appropriate of course. Here’s the conversation:

M: Hi Brielle! It’s Mommy! I miss you, but not too much because I’ve been very drunk. How are you?
B: I’m fine, Mommy. You’ve been gone a long time. Hope it was worth it.
M: Can you help me with a decision?
B: I’m only like, five, but OK.
M: I have to decide about a cute boy.
B: You don’t have to decide NOW.
M: Actually, yes I do. Right NOW, NOW. NOW! I have to decide or I will be imprisoned in Bachelor prison. They can actually MAKE you choose someone. I have to! NOW!
B: No mom. You don’t. Chill out. You can always dump him in real life soon, so you don’t HAVE to decide on forever right NOW. I fear you’ve been brainwashed by the Bachelor producers.
M: His name is Cody and he’s cuuuute.
B: Perhaps you shouldn’t be so hung up on looks, Mom. Chill out on the hair extensions and makeup, too. Anyway, if you like him and he has a good personality, then go for it.

So Michelle and Cody stay, along with Lacy and Marcus, Duh. So we’re down to those three couples.


The three couples now all get overnight dates. Harrison advises them to use the time to have real conversations about where the relationship is going. In other words, bang until the sun comes up and don’t talk about anything.

Michelle claims she has responsibilities as a mother and needs to talk to Cody about that. The next morning, she tells Lacy they humped all over the room and that she was “sore”. Glad to see all that parenthood talk went well!

Robert and Sarah are also excited to be together. Sarah wants Robert to drill deep, dive deep, dig, deep, something like that. What I wouldn’t pay to be a Bachelor editor…I’d get drunk and slice together all these lines too. Amazing. Anyway, despite the digging deep plea, they seem to have a very 12-year-old feeling date. They look like kids touching tongues for the first time. Not hot.

Marcus and Lacy profess more love – Lacy says, “You have my whole heart…and my vagine.” Then they slobber all over each other. They need to turn off the microphones when they make out – the slurping mic is gross.

Next Morning 

I’m so annoyed at the Sarah and Robert thing. What the hell happened? Sarah said he turned off the lights and went to bed…with his pants on. That, I guess, is OK if he didn’t want to have sex with her. Maybe he wanted to take it slow. But then she tried to take his pants off (all of this she admits, by the way) and he stopped her. Maybe he’s missing a penis, much like her arm is missing. They’d be a perfect match!

Anyway, why didn’t she ask him THEN what was going on? I feel like it’s super weird and we’re not getting the whole story. When she asks him about it the next day, she says, “You didn’t even want to touch me.” They never really show what he says in response. How annoying! Either she just complained and he never answered her, or we’re missing something here. I liked them, dammit. But that’s over now…boo.

Michelle is now crystal clear about Cody, thanks to the aerobic banging they did all night. Cody says he marked some things off his bucket list last night. Ewww, dude, gross.

Oh no, Alumni… 

This is why you get married after appearing on this show. Because you get to take trips to exotic places for free, all for ten minutes of your time, fake counseling these people. Awesome.

So Harrison brings in Desiree and Chris, Catherine and Sean, and Molly and Jason. They take turns talking to the two remaining couples, individually and together. Harrison claims they can give them advice about dealing with your new relationship in the real world. In what vortex have we fallen into, where these numnuts are powerful advice-givers?

They all agree everyone is in love…except Desiree who looks miserable to be there with poet boy. Oh and Marcus likes Lacy’s boobs, no kidding. Harrison thanks them for the sixteen minutes. No problem, they respond.

Final Rose Ceremony 

Money and Cody blab to each other about how happy they are to have found each other. That’s nice. Cody says, “I’m so glad you were here. I mean, at first I didn’t care because I was glad Clare was here, but now I’m glad you were here, but mostly only after she left. But still I’m glad.”

Marcus asks to have a moment alone with Lacy. From Harrison’s quick response I can tell this has been pre-planned. He walks with her down to the beach so they can have private time away from the six people in the hut and now they only have a couple million at home watching. Much better plan, yes.

He friggin proposes to her! Too bad I read that spoiler a few months ago, dammit. But still, I guess that’s cute? I think they’ve been on vacation for three weeks but sure, that could be enough. ?

He gives her a rock and I just wonder where the fuck Neil Lane is? He soooo got cut out of this series. Lame, Bachelor! Not cool.

Screw the private time, Harrison lets everyone else watch and then they run to the beach to congratulate them. But then they have to exchange roses again, which seems weird. I mean the ring sort of does the trick, no? It’s awkward city as Lacy vows to be the best wife ever. The end! And I read today that Bachelor in Paradise was picked up for season two next summer, people. Weee! I think?

Time for a break. I’ll see you next January with Farmer Chris as the Bachelor. I’ll have a new blog site, but I’ll send out that update on my blog later this week. For now, bookmark this page: 

I’ll give you all the details and it’s still under construction so stay tuned! Thanks for a fun few seasons, peeps. Love you all.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - It's so natural in nature, you guys

I’m beginning to bore a bit. Next week is the finale and me thinks its time… Let’s get started.

First off, Cody needs to chill the shit out. My god, dude! I love that you’re honest and want a real relationship but you’re coming across as…a little too available. You don’t tell a chick you love her after six days together. Marcus didn’t even do that.

Marcus/Lacy Date 

There is no way I’d climb down that hole.

Poor Lacy…her lesson from the producers on what a stalagmite is does not need to be shown. But WOW, she’s not a great listener. HE SAID STALAGMITE.

I am SO not into this date. Swimming in a dark cavern in MEXICO, no less, with fucking catfish and bats? In what realm is this romantic? I would cry. But leave it to Lace-dog to see the silver lining in all this horror: “Facing fear together propels a relationship.” It’s a good lesson, people, and one that this show teaches us every season. Doing dangerous things together is a metaphor for coping with the pitfalls of any relationship. Wading through E. Coli infested waters will be instrumental when these two go shopping for their first washer and dryer. (?)

Lacy thinks it’s pretty here. She says, “It’s all so natural in nature.” Well said, Lacy. That’s like saying, “It’s so bathroom-y in this bathroom.”

Lacy tells Marcus that she is also falling in love with him and the show mocks these two dorks with some crescendo romantic music and a chorus of animal noises. Despite my hatred for these smarmy producers, I admit sometimes I love them, too.

Lacy then tells the camera Marcus is helping her to break down walls (vagina walls, presumably). She then says she couldn’t have asked for a better date. Ummm really? I could’ve asked for about 10 million better dates than swimming in Parasite Bay.


Brooks is there…the cute, normal guy from Desiree’s season. She looooved him and I bet a hundred bucks that she still does. He left her and she was pissed. Anyhoo, I’ve never noticed that he’s a little gay. Am I right? Just a little. Still cute and fun, but just a small side of gay thrown in.

Sarah says she has a crush on him and wanted him to be in paradise. But she’s pretty solid with Robert these days, so what to do? Be a sucky chick and totally fuck it up with good guy Robert so you can see if you like Brooks. Grrr.

He asks Jackie on a date and she says yes. Why the headband? Thank God I missed the disco headband trend. They head to Casa Banana, which is probably my favorite name of all time for a bar/restaurant/foosball gambling operation.

Brooks speaks to the waiter in Spanish and it blows Jackie’s mind. However, Jackie has the same demeanor when her mind is blown, when she’s horrifically sad and when she wins a non-prized foosball game. She is snoozy. Also, apparently she is afraid of lamb and loves sushi. She also claims she does not kiss on the first date but forgets her own rule later on with Zack.


Sarah says she wants a bowl of nachos and somehow the producers edit that so her voiceover says, “I need to break up with Robert”. I bet this was never even a thought and those dickbag producers made it seem that way. Anyhoo, Robert leaves her a cute note to meet him on the beach. She comes to her senses and realizes she has it all with Robert…they cuddle on the beach bed thingy and decide to see what happens with their relationship in LA. They’re cute and I’m happy she didn’t fuck it up. The end.

Other Shit 

Here are some other highlights from this episode. Can you tell I was bored?

-Michelle tells Cody to back the fuck off, but she says it a little nicer than this. He responds by saying he’s a rookie with all this relationship stuff. So that’s not attractive.

-Christy says, “Jesse gave me a rose last week so that tells me he’s here to find a girlfriend.” Say what? What prior knowledge of anything to do with Bachelor Pad/Bach in Paradise franchise tells her this? Chick is delusional. All that alcohol is clogging up her brain. Michelle breaks the news to her that Lucy gave him a hand job in the van last week. I assume it was hand job since she says that Lucy was feeling him up, but it doesn’t make sense because hand jobs aren’t really all that desirable, no? Christy pissed.

-Oddly, God apparently delivers Tasos to Christy. Really, God? If I were Christy and asked for a savior of a man, I’d hope Harry Connick Jr. dropped in. Or Clooney. Or Simon Cowell (you heard me). But Tasos? I mean, he seems nice, but naked on top of me? Nope. No. Nooooo.

--Side note: Cody needs to lay off the rock lifting. It’s all big enough, dude. Stop. Go on a run. Go stretch your neck.

--Tasos and Christy go on a date and AGAIN, what is with the parasite infested waters?? Tulum is hurting for date ideas. There is no way I’m floating in that fucking gator swamp. No way. Also, can we PLEASE give Christy some sunscreen and instruction for chest application?

--Tasos – do NOT narrate going in for a kiss. Just do it or don’t. Don’t talk about it. Awkward city.

--Sarah and Robert are tossing beanbags and she says, “I have the worst arm.” Well, yes, silly, try to throw with the non-missing arm and you’ll do better. Geesh.

In case you were wondering where they went on their date...Thanks Producers!

Zack/Jackie Date 

AshLEE cries because she doesn’t get the date card. Graham won’t talk to her unless they’re forced to, while on a date, so she is super pissy. She REALLY bugs, no?

Anyhoo, Zack and Jackie go out on a date and you have GOT to be kidding me with swamp-date-parasites-up-your-vagina-date number THREE this week?

Men wearing necklaces are a no in my book, but that no becomes HUGE when the necklace is all hempy-like. Yucks. She comments to Jackie that he likes her because she’s so “even-keel.” In normal world, “even-keel” is code for boring as shit, but since he’s comparing her to craze-dog Clare, this “even-keel-ness” is totally appealing. (FYI – Don’t get me wrong. I liked Clare, but that chick be crazy.) Jackie and Zack kiss. Whatevs.

Cocktail Party 

Zack has a gift for Jackie – it’s a bracelet. Apparently, you make a wish and put on the bracelet. When it falls off, your wish will come true. Let me get this straight. Someone made a shitty bracelet that is MEANT to fall off? So it costs like a penny to make? And that thing sells? For actual money?

So get this…after he gives her the bracelet, my TV decides to konk out and goes black. By the time it comes back, Jesse is in a car, leaving the compound with Christy and two other chicks are yelling at him. Soooo, I guess I missed Christy telling Jesse off, which probably led to him choosing to leave. Am I right? Cause I don’t care enough to find it online and watch those missing ten minutes. Maybe I could recap like this all the time: Skip ten minute portions every now and then and just make up what I THINK happens. Would you guys even notice? It is a predictable show…something to think about.

The girls are yelling at him about how he banged more than one chick and then blabbed about it to the guys. So basically they’re yelling at him for being a dude. He just sits there, like, “Yes, correct, so what’s your point here?” The yelling isn’t doing much to get him to apologize or anything, so eventually they just let him go. He’s a bit of a douche bag, yes.

Rose Ceremony 

No surprises…

Lacy gives her rose to Marcus, Sarah gives her rose to Robert, Michelle gives her rose to Cody, AshLEE gives hers to Graham, Christy to Tasos, and Jackie gives hers to………….Zack! THAT was dramatic. Not really. Brooks goes home, Desiree cheers!

Harrison tells them that starting tomorrow, everything changes. Dum dum DUM! No more arrivals, no more rose ceremonies, no more dates. Just alcohol and sex, people. Make it work.

So next week is the finale – we will see what drama unfolds. See you then people!