Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Wait, no, not a recap, really.

I mean, for fucks sake, people, could this recap be later? More late? Fuck! Seriously, mama needs a Bachelor vacay. I’ll be back in January though…with renewed energy! Here’s hoping anyway…

Here is the recap, which is not a recap at all. Just bullet point thoughts, rants, whatever. But it’s in chronological order so kind of a recap. Shut up Jen.

• Stop saying “take” my virginity. First of all, he ain’t taking shit. Second of all, if Ashley did do the deed with Jared, it would be more like force-feeding him your virginity.

• Jared could NOT be less excited to sleep over with Ashley. He was probably just excited about getting away from cameras. Or maybe she gave him a blowjob at least. Just to thank him, for his time. You know, an appreciation blowjob.

• It just dawned on me that NONE of these people must have real jobs, correct?

• Jorge wants Juelia more than Mikey does. Pluuuease people, like Mikey and Juelia stood a chance anyway? There was a better chance of me giving my husband a blowjob in 2015.

• Juelia’s eyelashes are bananas.

• Carly says its understandable Juelia is sad because she came to paradise “to find what Jade and I found.” Weeeeell, not EXACTLY what you found, hmmm?

• Jaclyn says Justin is the hot ticket in town. Someone get back to me with the exact name and location of this town because I’m going to avoid it.

• Jaclyn asks Justin on her date because there’s nobody else and Justin says yes. Then he changes his mind when Cassandra walks in. So THAT has to sting a bit. Also, Jaclyn is a fucking panther. I would not want to run into her in a dark alley. Chick is terrifying.

My god, did she poop her pants?


• Justin’s nipples are truly haunting. My nightmares are now filled with images of his nipples, Samantha’s fingernails and Dan on top of me naked.



• On Justin and Cassandra’s date, Justin is forced to apologize to the company who supplied those horses to ride because he blew his wad on top of his horse when Cassandra pulled off her shirt.

• She’s a single mom? Without a man? Sooo at my kids’ elementary school, if she walked in to pick up her kid, all the dads, married or not, would be all over her, likes flies on shit. I even might be all over her.

• Jared tells Ashley he doesn’t like her and that he’s leaving. She is super sad and says, “I don’t care about leaving here alone. I care about leaving here without him.” She wins points with me here. Most girls just whine about not finding anyone to love them and they’re tired of being alone. She at least has genuine feelings for him. Did I just defend her?

• Nick doesn’t have anything good to say about Samantha except her looks. I would be super annoyed if all men talked about was how beautiful I was. That is a total lie.

• Sam physically cringes when she kisses Nick. It’s probably all the winking that is turning her off.

• At the cocktail party, Harrison tells everyone if you accept a rose, it means there will be a great love story. Harrison has been hitting the tequila with Jorge. Delusional, much?

Speaking of Jorge...is that you Jorge?


• Cocktail party: both Ashley’s leave, Amber leaves, Dan leaves, Mikey leaves (not after trying to give his rose to Mackenzie, who chooses time with Quinoa over him), Mackenzie leaves, Jaclyn leaves and Chelsie leaves. Now that’s some cleaning house I can get behind! Boom!

• Down to five couples, who are given overnight dates to bang to their heart’s content.

• Kirk pulls Carly aside. She jokes, “You’re not breaking up with me are you?? HEE HEE HEE!” Oh nooooo. She must be blindsided. (And now, please Google “carly kirk blindsided”. You won’t regret it. Well, you might.)

• He dumps her and she is super sad and surprised, but acts a wee bit dramatic by refusing to look at him, running away, etc. I like her despite the fact she wears rings on her index fingers, but she was a bit dramatic-pants here. But it actually is sad… And Kirk has some fucked-up man baggage to deal with.

• What if they had to share the van to the airport? Even if they don’t, what if they run into each other at the ticket counter? Awkward city. Why am I the only one who thinks of these things?


NIGHT TWO! 

• Tanner is worried that Jade will be so sad about Carly and Kirk that it will fuck up his opportunity to bury it in Jade tonight on their overnight date. So that’s kind of RUDE.

• Cassandra decides she’s not ready to lie in a bed next to Justin’s nipples so she tells him no thanks to the sleepover.

• Tenley is confused about Joshua, doubting it could ever work in the real world. But she decides to bang him anyway.

• Nick is excited to dig deep into Samantha. Mmm hmm.

• Jade and Tanner tell each other “I love you.” Awwww. It’s cute, actually. Still can’t picture him naked on top of me, though. But now I can picture him naked on top of Jade and that’s not much better.

• Final rose ceremony…Harrison tells them that roses today means you’re committed to a life together outside of paradise with marriage, kids, the whole thing. Easy, Christopher. It MAYBE means you’ll go on ONE date after the show is over. Easy.

• Justin’s nipples give Cassandra a rose and she accepts. Weird couple.

• Nick and Samantha don’t even know how to greet each other, but oddly she still accepts his rose and calls him “prince charming.” Looks like she’s gotten close to Jorge too. Honestly, is she hammered?

• Sadly, Tenley doesn’t take Joshua’s rose. They live in separate states and she doesn’t want to deal with that. I’m crying a bit. So if it wasn’t clear I needed a Bachelor vacation, it sure as fuck is now.

• TANNER! GET YOUR GODDMAN HANDS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS.

• Tanner starts with, “I came here looking to have fun, but instead I found you.” Does this not make anyone else laugh?

• He proposes with a dinky little ring (Neil Lane – did you get totally fucked out of a Sayulita trip??)

• Jade says yes, and these two seem as solid as a relationship can get for being together three weeks in a Mexican resort with no worries and lots of tequila.

So long, folks. If I haven’t said it in awhile, I love all my readers and I especially appreciate you hanging in there with me these past months when I was clearly tired of this recapping action. I do it because you guys are all so nice. Let’s meet again in January – love you all and thank you! Xoxoxo

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap – What a Shit Show…

YOU GUYS I’m so burned out. Life is busy and this show is a fucking wreck of humanity. I’m finding it SUPER hard to recap. So I’m thinking instead of a straight recap, my only hope at publishing a goddamn thing is to bullet point some of the thoughts I had while watching Sunday and Monday’s shows. I’m sorry for my half-assing. Bachelor is back in January, so after a few months off, perhaps I’ll be all renewed and excited to jump back in. Maybe… Anyhoo, here we go:

 • Ashley says Samantha is the kind of girl who gets anything she wants in life. SO TRUE. She’s 100% dependent on her hotness so she fucks with men, humps whoever she wants, and probably gets free donuts when she goes into Safeway.

• Chris Bojangles or whatever his name is, is there AGAIN. He is a true mess. I hope he sees what a ridiculous ass he just made of himself and moves on in life. He also says he’s “coming in hot” to the situation, which just makes him sound like he’s got a case of very active herpes.

• On Justin and Amber’s date, he takes off his shirt which only makes his salsa dancing THAT much more unattractive, thanks to his wackjob of a sunburn. My GOD, people, you’re in MEXICO. Sunscreen that shit, please.

• Dan tells Amber that when he saw her leave on her date with Justin, he did NOT have that feeling of “oh my god, was letting her go a mistake?” Which MIGHT be the most painful, slap-in-the-face way to tell someone you’re not interested in her. Also, he is just getting douchier and douchier. I wish he’d STOP TALKING. And by the way, Dan? NO WAY in hell Samantha would be interested in you. Oh wait! I forgot the best part – after Dan says all this to Amber, he also says, “You just can’t force something if it’s not there”, and “I don’t want to lead you on”. Amber THEN says, “Now I’m really confused.” SERIOUSLY? You should be less confused than you’ve been in years. He does not like you. Period.

Sam? Like me? HAHHAHAHAHAHA!


• Joshua and Tenley are forced to grocery shop on their date. Not cool, Bachelor people.

• Ashley calls herself a natural-born writer. Ohhhh no. And then hands him a 9-page letter. She’s not a natural born editor, apparently.

• What does she NOT understand about Jared NOT liking her?

• I like Dan telling Sam that he has nothing against Joe, but he hates him and he’s a bad guy and terrible. But besides that, NOTHING against him.

• After Sam chooses Dan and sends Joe home, Joe says in the limo, “Girls like her don’t end up with guys like me. I deserve better.” I’m super into the fact he said that. I mean, he sucks too, but I’m so tired of him saying she’s too hot for him. Hotness doesn’t get you that far. But it probably gets you free donuts. (Dammit!)

• Dan says, “Even though I’m Sam’s second best option, we could still form something special.” I mean…….DAN. Can you not HEAR yourself? He says that Sam is the only one left who is interesting. Maybe in Mexico, interesting means hot, bitchy and boring. And free-donut getter.

• Nick tells Chelsea that he just decided to come in with “guns blazin’”. In what world would that be a good thing to say? It makes it sound like he comes in while hammering shots of tequila and wagging his penis around Mexico. Not attractive. Easy dork.

• Nick dumps Ashley S. and the worst part about the break-up to Ashley was the fact she was washing her face when he walked in. Girls confuse me. It’s not like she was pooping.

• When Mackenzie talks to Justin, they talk about the fact they both have kids and this is like GROUNDBREAKING to Mackenzie. God, that’s sad. Poor Quinoa. Kale, whatevs.

• Jaclyn is the absolute definition of a girl who is not attractive so she goes overboard with fake confidence, loudness, bitchiness and whoreness to overcompensate that she’s not good looking. What a fucking mess.

• Jaclyn claims she has an advantage over the other girls because the guys there are probably bored with the chicks by now. This might be true. But do you know what’s NOT an advantage? Your face.

• Mackenzie worries her marriage to Justin is real. Please, it’s Mexico. Nothing really works or makes sense there. It’s Mexico.

OK In an effort to actually tell you what happened, here it is: Justin asked Amber out, but they didn’t like each other. Dan told Amber he doesn’t like her. Chris came and went in 12 hours because nobody liked him. Joshua asked Chris for his date card before he left, which was a little ballsy and a little dick. He took Tenley out and they like each other---ish. Dan decides, in a moment of pure delusion, that he likes Sam and hopes he likes her. So he convinces her that Joe is a loser and a villain. Amber decides she likes Jared. Rose Ceremony…Roses are from girls this week: Carly to Kirk, Jade to Tanner, Tenley to Joshua, Juelia to Mikey, Ashley S. to Nick, Ashley I. to Jared, Amber to Justin and Samantha to…DAN. This sends Joe home, who shows us the text Sam wrote him. The one that says to do whatever it takes to get a rose and stay there. He should also get a new phone – it was a super blurry text. Chelsea arrives, but I don’t know who this is, but she flirts horribly with Dan. She then asks Nick out on a date – they don’t like each other. Or at least he doesn’t like her. Because guess what – he likes Sam too. I can’t handle these people. Mackenzie walks in – dumbest thing around. She asks Justin out and they go to a weird voodoo guy who rubs mud on them and marries them. There is no love connection there. Jaclyn comes in and insults people, acts bitchy and slutty and is generally annoying. Ashley decides she wants to have a fantasy suite date, so she asks Harrison who gives it to her. She asks Jared and they go. The end.

Let me just go off on a fucking rant about Ashley. If nothing else, I hope her parents are watching this and see this as the cry for help it is. She needs fucking counseling. Men don’t stay with you because you bang them. He’s told you he doesn’t like you – fucking suck it up and move on. The fact that she’s even considering giving up her virginity on TV, ON A REALITY SHOW, only in hopes that it might make a guy like her, is SO painful to watch. The good news is that Jared won’t do it – he’s too nice. The end. Again.

See you for finale next week!

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Mexican Private Plane? No Bueno.

I’m such an asshole! You guys, I couldn’t write the recap for Sunday night’s show yesterday. I just couldn’t sit my ass down to do it! Yes, I was busy but I fear I’m over it all! We can talk about that later. For now, here is a combined (and probably abbreviated, and definitely less funny) recap of Sunday and Monday’s show!

Two thoughts, right off the bat: Can we stop showing the crabs please? And is conversate a real word?


Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

More talk about Sam and Joe. Or Joe and Juelia, actually. He says, “It was never my intention to play you for a rose.” But wasn’t it? And hasn’t he admitted that yet? And aren’t we tired of talking about this?

It starts to come out that Samantha played more of a role in this big plan than we suspected. Basically, Joe and Samantha talked before the show and decided to hook up when she got there. She told Joe to do whatever it took to get a rose to stay there until she got there. He’s completely pussy-whipped by this total mindfuck of a woman, so he screwed with Juelia. So he looks like the bad guy (which he kind of is) but Samantha looks innocent.

For the record, she’s not smart enough to be this total fucking genius mastermind they want us to think she is. She’s just hot and used to fucking with guys, and being in control and wearing the pants, and getting what she wants, blah blah blah. But she’s definitely not admitting a role in this, and seems super comfortable lying.

Jared kisses Ashley, which apparently makes her think he’s in love with her. JJ and Dan both consider giving the rose to Juelia because they feel bad for her. Megan is hopeless.

Juelia realizes she’s probably not going to get a rose so she finds Chris Harrison and tells him that she wants Mikey back because she realizes she should have picked him in the first place, over Joe. He doesn’t really answer…

Joshua gives his rose to Tenley, Jared gives his to Ashley I., Kirk gives his to Carly, Tanner gives his to Jade and JJ oddly gives his rose to Ashley S. He says he’s leaving to go home because he wants to try to make it work with a girl back home. Basically, he was dating someone before he left but didn’t like her THAT much. So he goes to “paradise” to see if there is anyone better. There’s not. So now he goes home to win back that first chick. And she is bananas if she takes him back.

He gives a ridiculous speech, while the Bachelor producers play patriotic music. He says, “You don’t know broken until you’ve walked in my shoes.” And, “I didn’t find love but I found myself.” What a douche.

Of course he doesn’t give the rose to Juelia because the producers tell him that Mikey is about to come back. So why don’t they tell Dan that? They make him struggle to decide who to pick. His penis makes the decision and chooses Amber. Although…isn’t he gay? Joe gives his rose to Samantha. Duh.

Megan, Claire and Juelia are out of roses, so they head home…BUT Juelia’s exit is blocked by Mikey! Somehow in the 30 minutes between the time Juelia asked Harrison about bringing Mikey back and the end of the rose ceremony, they were able to fly Mikey in from Chicago. This is all super fake.

Anyway, she hugs him and calls him her knight in shining armor despite the fact SHE was the one who asked the producers to go get him.


Tanner and Jade Date 

They take a private plane to Tequila, Mexico. First of all, a private plane in Mexico? Death trap much? No fucking thank you. Second of all, Tequila, Mexico? That’s probably fake too, but I’d go. Just not in a private plane.

They hack at an agave plant and you can tell Jade is slightly turned off by Tanner’s un-masculine hacking methods. Then they spend the night in the Mexican fantasy suite where they profess love, he touches vagine, blah blah blah.


Nick Arrives 

This guy is smarmy. Yuckers. Anyway, apparently he chatted with Samantha before the show aired too, and he’s excited to see her. Man, she has bad taste in dudes. And she spends a LOT of time on social media. Also…if she talked to both Joe and Nick before the show filmed, and they BOTH discussed the fact they’d see each other there and maybe hook up…did she not GUESS that would all come out?

Nick has a date card. So he asks Samantha who says no, which surprises Nick because, “she said she would.” These people are borderline…being unable to function in day-to-day life. My god.

Nick then asks Ashley S. out on a date. He says, “I just want someone who will enjoy the day, so Ashley S. seemed like the obvious choice.” Ummm, she was also the ONLY choice. They head to a dock of some kind when a nice dude tells them the island is closed. Hurricane Carlos closed it. So instead they get wasted and have massages. After their massages, tell me why the girl then has to massage the guy? That always happens. If my husband and I were getting massages and when it was done, he asked me to continue rubbing him, I certainly would not do that.

Also, they spend three straight uncomfortable minutes filming his boner.

After the massages and boner-filming, they get more drunk and make out in a hot tub. Now THIS is reality. Also, these two are a joke and don’t stand a chance, but they know that too, right? Joe throws himself a birthday party and Samantha is the only person who comes and she dumps him when she arrives. Basically, she said she doesn’t like the drama but I think she just got bored with him (after two days) because she’s like that.

Jared then dumps Ashley I. by telling her he wants her to really experience paradise. Awww, that’s nice. I like you so much that I WANT you to bang some other guys. Sigh…I like Jared, but he needs to just say, I don’t like you that much. He finally spits out that he doesn’t think their chemistry is what he’s looking for. Which also doesn’t make sense. Which also means he doesn’t like her. But whatevs. Oh and she cries. A lot. Then she assumes that it means he’s not over Kaitlyn. She calls her and says, “Jared is totally consumed with you!” Umm, no he’s not. At all. He’s just not consumed with Ashley. At all.

The episode ends with Samantha and Joe getting pummeled in the waves while Joe voiceovers himself about how perfect she is and how much he loves her. This is so awesome. It also marks one of the first times ever, that I actually laughed out loud during this show.


Monday Night’s Show… 

Joe is so sad. It’s hard, you guys, when “you have a great two or three days and then it falls apart.” That’s an exact quote. TWO DAYS people. Get a grip. She sucks anyway.

Joe sad...


Ashley I. says she is going to be ruined forever because no man will ever live up to Jared in her eyes. She probably will be ruined forever, but not for the reasons she thinks.

Mikey has a date card and asks Juelia to go back on that death trap of a private jet. They watch very graphic Mexican wrestling, which might actually be entertaining if people weren’t really spilling beer all over you, and sweaty wrestlers weren’t landing on you.

"I think we're landing!" THEN GET IN YOUR GODDAMN SEAT AND PUT ON A SEATBELT


They decide to hit the fantasy suite, which looks more like a snuggle and some eggs in bed. I don’t see this one lasting. Love them both, actually, but I don’t see it.


Back in Paradise, using the term REALLY loosely 

Back at the Mexican Sex Compound, Joe says that Samantha has two choices. Either they can be lovey/dovey together and get engaged or he can fucking ruin her name by exposing her terribleness. Now THAT sounds like true love. What a winner this guy is, no? Psycho. I get that he’s hurt and pissed and was just totally fucked with by crazypants Sammy and her porn fingernails, but this “love me or I’ll make you pay” angle is a bit of a turn off.

So this is the best part…he sits Samantha down and basically tells her that. He says they can be together or he’ll show everyone the text messages. Now if I was Samantha, I’d say, “Fuck you, you fucking psycho blackmailer. Are you fucking threatening me, you fuck?” But instead, Sam says, “Well, I do still care about you.” So there’s your admission of guilt, people. Also, I don’t really need to see the ACTUAL text message to believe Joe. She sucks, so does he. Let’s move on.

Kirk and Carly go fishing. Yup, that’s all I got.

Justin comes. Who is Justin? He’s wearing an inappropriate shirt for 100% humidity in Mexico in June. He’s also not attractive.

He hits on Sam and asks her on his date, but not before telling her that he’s lost in her eyes. This chick is really used to getting whatever guy she wants. And boys are pissing me off. Try FOR A FUCKING SECOND to look past her hotness and see what a boner she is. Ugh. Anyway, she says yes to the date and the rest of the episode is listening to the other people tell the Bachelor camera what a mindfuck, puppetmaster she is. I’d say this show isn’t helping her image much. But don’t worry – all the boys will still love her, I’m sure.

OK That’s it, people. I know it’s short and unfunny but it’s tough to keep talking about this shit show. Oh and also, Ben H. as next Bachelor? Thoughts? He seems nice, but boring. We will see. Love you all for sticking with me!

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Still talking about Joe...

I was going to say how annoying it was that they wasted two entire episodes on this lame Juelia and Joe drama…but then I realized this show is all about this shit. If we weren’t wasting time on those two, what would they be covering? Tanner’s boner? Ashley’s headband? Dan’s sexuality? It’s all ridiculous, so sure, why not blow two nights on Joe’s flat forehead and his hot bitch?

As if it's not enough of a hellhole already...


Soooo, Juelia decides to take Samantha aside and tell her what a douche bag Joe has been. I’m distracted by Sammy’s porn fingernails. Anyway, Sammy shuts Juelia down and sides with Joe. Duh. He was just stirring her stew in the hot tub, so it’s safe to say she’d be on his side.

My two cents: First of all, enough already. Man, they are all BORED. They need to move on. Second, yes, I think Joe is a dickhead. But for lots of reasons. As he said, there’s nothing wrong with going on a date with one chick and then meeting someone else and liking her more. Juelia is acting a bit like they had been together a year…it was ONE date. However, Joe didn’t exactly just casually go on a date with her. He was sort of saying too much bullshit, like how much he likes her, blah blah blah. He went a bit overboard there. And then there’s the small fact that he probably never liked her at ALL because he was waiting to bang Sammy… And Juelia’s a widow, so it’s just kind of dick. But the main reason I hate him now is that he’s such a fucking shit-brain about how he’s dealing with all this. He’s super rude and defensive and acts like Juelia is just a big hassle. But I do think they’re all harping incessantly at this point. He’s a dick, so hate him and move on.

But NOW it turns out that Samantha is in on this serious Bachelor in Paradise plotting. I still think it’s funny that it’s considered some big plot. They talked before the show and wanted to bang – they’re not selling military secrets for fucks’ sake.

But Samantha is a bitch, yo! She’s nasty. So this is God’s way of equaling things out. I say that a lot, but it’s actually fascinating to watch. You can’t have it all, people. When you’re as hot as Samantha, God gives you a super bitchy persona and the desire to have porn nails.


Amber...

Amber comes. Who the fuck is this? And she claims she’s hopeful Dan will be there. Don’t fucking pretend you don’t know he’ll be there. In the hundreds of bachelors who have been on this show, Dan is literally the last person I’d recognize. Amber is a close second. Who are these people? My ass they didn’t know who was cast on the show.

Her hair is wack and she giggles way too much. She asks Dan on a date, but Dan says he wants to talk to Ashley first. The talk doesn’t go well, as one could have guessed. Ashley is pissed. But honestly, I just don’t care. Let’s move on.

Dan and Amber go on a date and I am thoroughly confused as to why all these Mexicans in the street are cheering for them to kiss. But they do, and they kiss a lot. And she giggles a lot. And they eat dinner at the Hacienda Bla Nal Nal. The end.

Megan and JJ go on a date and there is so little airtime devoted to the date that I refuse to even give it its own section in my recap. Despite the fact she claims she’s a southern belle, she comments that JJ might be motorboating her later, and that it’s the fastest she’s gotten wet on a date. Someone tape her mouth shut, omg. JJ says, “I’m excited to be here, even though we’re different intellectually.” Fuck you, JJ. Are you kidding me? Sure, she’s as dumb as my coffee table, but it’s just gross to be spouting off about your own intellect. Gross.

Ashley S. decides she’s over Dan and instead makes love to a bird.

The show ends with yet MORE discussion of Joe, Juelia and Samantha. Enough already. Oh did you guys hear that last summer Samantha dated Jeremy Piven? Odd right?

OK I’m done. See you next week, peeps!

Monday, August 17, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Joe is a dickface and Dan is greasy

I hate these people.

Let’s backup. I didn’t recap either episode last week because I was on vacation. I came home last night and had two episodes waiting for me to watch on my DVR and one more recording live. It was a tad overwhelming to think about watching that many hours of this shit and after seeing the horror on my husband’s face after he saw the DVR recorded TV list…I decided to delete last week’s crap. I read some recaps online, so I’m caught up. Can I tell you how much easier it is to read a recap for five minutes rather than actually watch it? Is that how all you guys feel? I’m kind of jealous.

Anyhoo – I still have tonight to watch and about 700 pounds of laundry to do, so I’ll make this recap short. Also, did I mention I was on a Disney Cruise? Holy shit could I write a blog about that! My takeaways from the week: The obesity problem in America is no joke, I pretty much despise all kids but my own and it turns out I’m afraid of waves. Who knew?

Let’s get started…

We seem to be picking up in the middle of a rose ceremony. Claire is crying to Harrison about the fact nobody likes her. Ashley I. likes watching her cry. I will truly punch Ashley I. in the face if she refers to a 32 year old as a cougar one more time. Or I can’t wait until she’s 32 and unmarried and I can call her crazy ass a cougar. A super bitchy one, at that. She’s kind of a total asshole, no?

She gives her rose to JJ and this seems odd. Ashley gives her rose to Jared, and Juelia gives her rose to Joe.

 Ummm, sunburn much?


Samantha… 

This entire episode is about Joe and Samantha, really. In a nutshell, he came to “paradise” (aka a crab-ridden hellhole with an open bar. Thanks Jorge!), for Samantha. They had chatted on social media before the show and were excited to meet each other. This is something this 40 year old doesn’t totally grasp. Chatting on social media? Why not just email? Or text? Holy shit did I just date myself? Is it not cool to email or text anymore? Someone snapchat me and let me know. Kidding, don’t do that, I have no idea what snapchat is.

Anyway, Samantha is basically as hot as they come. Sure, she looks like her makeup took 14 hours to do, but it really doesn’t run in the heat or even when she’s in water. It’s one of those amazing feats that only hot girls can pull off. My eyeliner runs like the slut in a horror movie in 72-degree heat. What the fuck?

So hot Samantha comes in and asks Joe on her date. They hold hands within minutes and make out almost as fast. The drama here is that the night before, he kissed Juelia and told her that he liked her, but it was apparently only to get her rose so he could stay there and bang hot Sammy. So yes, he’s kind of a fuckface. OK a huge one. I get it’s a game, sort of, but he’s really smarmy. Amazing how much hotter he was to me during Kaitlyn’s season when he was nicer.

So Juelia is pissed and feels disrespected. During the show, she TRIES to talk to him a number of times and I sort of want to shake her and jump into her shoes. Nobody can fucking communicate, am I right? This is what I’d say: “So last night, you kissed me a lot and told me how much you liked me, but in reality, it’s blazingly obvious you just wanted my rose so you could meet Samantha. Do you see how that makes me feel like shit?” See, it’s not complex but there’s so much squeaking and bouncing and editing that I find myself roaring at my TV a lot. My husband truly has no clue what’s happened to me.


Samantha and Joe Date 

Their date is supposed to be a photo shoot for People Magazine, but those people were kidnapped and replaced with a crew from a local porn movie production company. Holy moly. And seriously? She is super hot. Joe doesn’t know her for shit…I mean, they haven’t exchanged more than five words, but he’s right to realize that is for SURE the hottest chick he will ever rub his penis on.

 "This might be a little much for People Magazine. I mean, I can see her vagine."
 

They get back from the date and he holds her hand and tells everyone, including Juelia, they filmed a hot porn movie. What is wrong with him? He talks about what a Debbie Downer Juelia is and I love that the producers are not backing down from editing him to be the asshole that he is. He’s going to get skewered for being such a fuck and I love it.

Side note: Claire on the phone with the raccoon is amazing TV. I’m a big fan.


Kirk/Carly Update 

Carly is edited to be the horniest chick west of the Mississippi. My god. Easy girlfriend. She wants to bang Kirk really badly but Kirk is now slightly freaked out that she is bananapants. However, after their date, he decides, hell why not? She’s worth banging for sure, so I won’t worry too much about her craziness. We’ll just bang and I’ll hope for a future with her that is drama AND mold-free.

Their date ends with fireworks…literally. And they are NOT in the sky but on the ground in front of them. Shit that looks dangerous. God, that’s so Mexico.


Dan/Ashley Update 

Dan is gay, right? He is dating Ashley S. but now tells Jade that she showed a little craziness and he is backing away and wants to keep his options open. He wants to see what other guys show up. I mean, girls.

He tries to talk to Ashley S. about it, which he had to know was a losing battle. What did he THINK she’d say? “Oh ok, I see, you’re not sure you like me too much. No problem. I’ll just hang back and see what you decide, mmmkay?” Of course not, and it doesn’t make her crazy to be sad after you tell her you’re not sure about her all of a sudden. However, when she says, “I’m only here for you and I’ll fucking leave right now if you don’t want to be with me!” – well, then THAT makes her look crazy.


Megan…Wow 

Is the dumb thing an act? Because that is seriously no fucking joke how dumb she is. Wow. She walks in and says, “Aloha Mexico!” I mean…

She decides she’s not at all attracted to Dan’s greasy chest so she asks JJ out on a date. I wonder if she’s sad about that decision after seeing his tattoos. Wow.

Ashley S says that she saw Megan with JJ today so maybe that means Dan will give her a rose after all. Sigh…ladies, you’re NOT helping me defend you here. She might as well have said, “Dan doesn’t really like me anymore, and it’s clear he likes Megan but I don’t think she likes him so that might mean he’s stuck with me! Even if he doesn’t like me, he HAS to give me a rose! Yay!”

The show ends with Dan and his hideous tank top confronting Joe and making him talk to Juelia. She does a shit job of yelling at him, but he does a great job at coming across like a total asshole. Samantha comes in and Juelia takes her away to tell her what an asshole Joe is and I love it. It’s fun to watch him squirm. The end. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Crabs are everywhere. And i mean everywhere.

Let’s just get this shit out of the way: The After Paradise bullshit is NOT happening. You guys, I couldn’t. I tried. Did anyone actually sit through that? I literally couldn’t. I tried. It was Chris Harrison, some famous Twitter person who makes fun of the show, Ashley I. and two stars from the show Scandal. What the fuck? It was terrible, terrible, terrible. It’s like three people sitting around talking about the show, but those people are all boring. So no recaps on that garbage. Forgive me.

I admit though, I’m sucked into the train wreck show. It’s SO pathetic that you can’t look away. It’s so sad and desperate and it’s NOT a coincidence they keep showing crabs.

JJ: “There’s something electric in the air. It might be the lightning but something is electric.” He says this without a hint of knowledge of what he just said.

The electric thing he’s talking about is oddly Clare’s arrival. She claims, “This time will be amazing and incredible.” Oh geez. Delusion at it’s best.

You guuuuuys!!! It's going to be glorious this time!!!


Clare has a date card and doesn’t know who to pick because everyone is apparently paired up already. So she talks it over with a crab. People, she is not actually talking to a crab. Creative editing. Wait…is she actually talking to a crab?

Mikey is interested in her, but not really. He only thinks he is because she’s the only one left. He tells her that he wants the date, and she looks super bummed out and thinks about it for a minute and finally says, “Sigh…ok I’ll take you.” So THAT must feel good.

Clare and Mikey’s date is tantric yoga, which is disgusting. I never want to mix exercising with sex, especially in front of those two random tantric yoga experts. Gross-o. Oh and Mikey’s favorite position was the Downward Clare. Vomit.

I mean...


Later on, while wading in some pond, she tells him she’s not really interested in him by saying, “I would much rather be with a bunch of those other guys, but they appear not to like me. If that ends up being true, then yes, I’ll definitely bang you, but I’m sort of looking at that as a last resort. But mark my words, I WILL NOT leave this place without banging someone.” Mikey is oddly ok with this.


Ashley S. Date 

Ashley S. asks Dan on her date right away. This is because she had the poops last night and was rushed to a hospital to get an IV. Dan went with her cause he’s nice. Also, he was apparently shirtless in the hospital all night. That’s Mexico for ya. Also – Dan asked for his own IV, just to make her feel better. And they gave it to him. Again – Mexico…

The date was uneventful because they like each other, so they ate dinner, danced and kissed. I bet the producers are SUPER pissed that she’s acting much more normal than they had hoped.

Speaking of acting not normal, Tenley is now crying because she doesn’t have a boyfriend in Paradise yet. So she takes Jared on a walk and Ashley I. freaks out, and cries yet again, that she will die alone. Are her parents watching?? This is seriously intervention time. The girl needs help. She is a mess, people. And stop calling Tenley old – you sound like a ridiculous asshole.

Lauren is a bitch. That’s all.


Cocktail Party 

So guys give out roses this week and there is one more girl than guy, so that means one girl gets sent home (reminder that Lauren and Ashley are a package deal). JJ starts off the night with regular old JJ douchebag talk, saying he’s relishing the role of these girls kissing his ass for a rose. DOES HE NOT REALIZE WHAT HE WILL SOUND LIKE? I don’t get it.

Everyone is pretty much coupled up with the exception of Tenley, Jillian and JJ. So Tenley makes a very gross and desperate move, by hitting on JJ. She tells him she wants to see where their relationship can go. It’s 10 minutes before the rose ceremony – how can he not see what she’s doing? Tenley wanting to be with JJ is about as likely as me giving JJ a blowjob. Or me giving anyone a blowjob actually.

Tenley is pleased with herself for making a move on JJ and tricking him into giving her a rose. She yells, “I like this girl and I want to see her more often! Being slutty is fun!” She didn’t say that.

Jared tells Ashley he thinks she’s amazing, which is code for, “I don’t like you in a sexual way AT ALL and can see just how sad you are. Actually this entire thing is pathetic but you know, I don’t get any real tail back home, so I will stay here and try to land someone. But it sure as hell won’t be you.”

Then Jared tells Clare that he will give her his rose tonight if she doesn’t have one. I think Ashley overhears him, and STILL does not get the message. HE DOES NOT LIKE YOU. Fucking deal with it.


Rose Ceremony 

-Tanner gives his rose to Jade (tanner still can’t believe a playboy bunny kissed him)
-Kirk gives his rose to Carly (mold free rose)
-Dan gives his rose to Ashley S. (he wore a shirt)
-Jonathan gives his rose to Juelia (oddest couple ever)
-Mikey gives his rose to Clare (Namaste)
-Jared gives his rose to Ashley I. (the nobody-left rose)

It’s down to JJ and he has to choose between Tenley and Jillian. He chooses Tenley. I get it – I’d rather bang Tenley over Jillian any day, but part of him HAS to know she just made out with him to get the rose, no? Men’s penises are so dumb.

So Jillian is out and cries in the limo and looks a little like she’s been drugged.

Reminder – I’m out of town next week. On a cruise with no Internet, so I’ll miss the show so no recap. But I’ll be back the week after that! Thanks so much for understanding. And a big thanks to everyone who leaves comments for me on the blog – I read them all. You crack me up and thank you for all the nice words!

Monday, August 3, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - How many times can I say "skank" or "slut" in one recap? Good lord.

What a fucking fuck fest. Know what’s funny? That was the EXACT line I used to start last year’s season premiere recap. So things haven’t changed.

I can’t promise full recaps this season – expect a lot of half-assing on my part. Two nights every week makes mama angry. Although I admit, I’m excited for it. Oh and while we’re on the topic of me half-assing, I’m on vacation next week. Out of the country, on a cruise, so no Internet access which means no recap at all! Sorry, guys. I’ll be back the week after next though!


Meet the People 

Ashley I., 27, Chris’ season: She’s the crybaby Kardashian Wannabe. First of all, it’s pathetic to WANT to be a Kardashian. Second, she’s so lost. I felt sorry for her. More on that later.

Lauren, 24, Ashley I’s sister: A whore who is proud of it. She’s also a lost soul.

Jared, 26, Kaitlyn’s season: They are really playing him up to be the hot, nice guy. He’s cute (not hot) and I believe he’s a good guy. So what’s he doing there?

Ashley S., 25, Chris’ season: The crazy one who apparently likes to go to farms?

Tanner, 28, Kaitlyn’s season: This guy is cute and normal, but I can’t shake the feeling he was a super nerd in his past and is now trying to make up for it by banging playboy models. I bet he masturbates more than normal.

Jade, 28, Chris’ season: The playboy model who wants to come out of this show engaged. Oh lord.

Jillian, don’t know how old, forget what season: She was the one who is MUCH too jacked for a woman, who also got a boob job and allowed Bachelor cameras into the surgery. I mean, these people are crying out for help.

Dan, 32, Desiree’s season: “You’d know me from Desiree’s season.” Ummm, no we won’t. At all.

Juelia, 30, Chris’ season: She’s the one whose husband killed himself. She deserves some happiness… which begs the question, why the hell is she here?

Tenley, 31, Jakes’ season: She’s 31? Was she 12 on Jake’s season? Or is she actually 40 now? Wow. She dated Kiptyn for five years who dumped her and knocked up some girl within two months. Ouch.


Sayulita! 

And we’re off. Jade is first in and she wins points for not wearing heels on the beach. Jared comes in next and is excited to see Jade. Tenley in next, sporting the latest in Bridesmaid fashions. Carly is there and her hair is WHITE and her eyebrows are BLACK.

Some initial stuff:

• Tenley thinks Jonathan is attractive but she won’t anymore, once she hears that he has threesomes with sisters and is an all-around man-skank.

• Mikey – He’s GAY. Gay, gay, gay. Anyone who refers to HIMSELF as an alpha male, and talks about his own testosterone that much, is gay.

• Ashley and her sister come in… Stupid sister is oddly incredibly proud of herself for being a super NON-virgin. She flaunts her skankness and it screams insecurity. She’s got zilch self-esteem, people. This is not going to be pretty. The guys ask what happens when they’re into the same guy. Ashley says she makes out with him, and sister says, “And I finish him.” I mean, seriously. Do you not realize how skanky you sound? Come on.

• Kirk comes in – isn’t he the one with some weird disease? Oh wait! It was mold poisoning or something. You’d think one with a compromised immune system shouldn’t expose himself to this skank fest.

• JJ there, Ashley S. is there, nothing interesting. Harrison explains that the guys give roses this week, so step up the sluttiness, ladies! You need to land a man, STAT!

• Lacy and Marcus get married. I’m sure she’s excited Jillian and her hairy man-ass is at her wedding in a bikini. Along with a few people she’s never met. And someone who suffers from mold disease.

• Her boobs are still large and Marcus is sweat-dog.

• Juelia catches the bouquet, which might actually be correct. If she doesn’t get eaten alive by the rest of these slutmongers.

That night, they all get drunk and messy. Slutty McSlutterson, Lauren, decides to cry. Mikey attempts to console her by berating her, “What’s the matta with you? What could possibly be wrong?” So she tells Ashley she’s crying because there are people there like Juelia and Tenley and Dan who are old as fuck. They’ll just “do whatever they want because they’re old.” Soooo, YOU are actually the one who does whatever you want. Also, you’re really crying because you suck and you know it. You know those “old” people have a better shot at love than you because you just bang for guy attention. She’s got crippling low self-esteem people. It’s textbook! You bang for attention. Ashley’s got the same self-esteem issues but takes the opposite approach – no banging for attention? I hate this show.

Carly and Kirk make out after a painfully long, awkward moment. In one episode, he’ll be pissed he put all his eggs in her basket. Why? Because despite the fact all these people say they’re here for love, they’re here only to bang. And get attention. Sigh.

Ashley I. cries a lot this episode and I’m tired of talking about it already. She’s a sad, lost little girl. She’s got no self-esteem (how many times can I write that this recap?). She wants to be loved, but thinks if she plays up this princess thing, she’ll win a guy? It’s sad to watch. She’s actually nice-sounding and even sweet, perhaps. And looks way better on the beach with toned down makeup. She just needs to chill, grow up and maybe read a book or something.

It's mean of me to post this.


Ashley I. Date 

JJ says he wants the date – not because he likes Ashley, because he doesn’t, but because he didn’t come to Mexico to sit his ass by the pool. Ummm, WHY else would one possibly go to Mexico? That’s what you do there. Hello? Also…what an asshole.

Ashley only likes Jared who doesn’t like her. She asks him on the date and they drive around in a dune buggy. Looks like fun and I’m impressed she’s not freaking out about getting dirty. She also seems much more normal on the date and again, I want to tell her to be more chill and normal and someone might actually like her for HER.


Jade Date 

Jade asks Tanner on her date and he almost splooges in his pants when she asks him. They go to dinner somewhere and he tells her that he’s posing for Playgirl soon. Wait, is that a joke? They seem to have a nice chat, and then taking a cue from the other slutties, she suggests taking off their clothes and swimming in a Mexican river despite the fact there’s lightning in the area. You can tell he’s scared of the lightning because, uh, YOU SHOULD BE, but he’s desperate to dry hump her in the river so he does it.

Meanwhile, Ashley S. is taken away on a stretcher in an ambulance. They don’t show us or tell us anything about it. She’s taken away and that’s it. She just has poops, that’s all. It’s Mexico, people.

The episode ends with Clare coming in. WHY HEELS ON SAND? GRRRR.

She wants to find love with urgency this time. Oh boy. These people never learn. She looks hot and unbelievably, she’s probably the best catch there, so we’ll see what happens. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - I'm just happy it's over

Harrison – stop it with your “most shocking season finale” bullshit. We’re onto you. You’re full of shit and we all know it. She chose a guy and they got engaged – absolutely nothing shocking about it. Grrrr.

Is that a half shirt?


Nick Meets Kaitlyn’s Family 

Kaitlyn is happy to be back in Los Angeles. Mostly because of that sweet house she gets to bunk in. Also, being in LA means she got a fresh manicure and some darker hair. She’s chatting with her family who also get to play in that sweet house, and they ask her if she’s in love with two guys. She says yes and they reply, “Oh Katie…” Funny how two words perfectly sum up this show.

For some unknown reason, she TELLS her family that she banged Nick. I get that she’s not a kid anymore but you never ever ever ever tell your dad you have sex. When I told my dad I was pregnant, I started it off by saying, “I’m not sure how it happened, but…”

They’re oddly not surprised or interested in this news at all. Par for the course, perhaps? Kaitlyn’s mom is SUPER snazzy with those 1984 earrings but I appreciate her effort. She is NOT pleased that Nick is one of the final two because she has prejudged him based on last season. How RUDE to judge people based on what they only see on TV. Oh wait.

Nick mumbles and cries through his talk with Mom Leslie and once again, he’s really helping out his reputation from his last season. He’s coming across as nice and normal, minus the mumbling. Sister Haley tells us that she can’t see Kaitlyn with Nick because it’s out of the norm for her. For some reason, it’s comforting to me that Kaitlyn has a “norm”.

Leslie asks Nick to explain Kaitlyn’s sexual attraction to him and I miss the rest because I’m under my couch. I can’t, people. I can’t. We do not talk to parents about sex. Repeat after me. Never ever ever. I think I’m still scarred from the time my mom told me that my dad “was really neat” at having sex. I just threw up.

Nick convinces her parents he’s a good guy and they give him their blessing to propose. Besides the fact he cries too much and sounds like he always has salad in his mouth, I don’t hate him.


Shawn Meets Kaitlyn’s Family 

Leslie is concerned that Shawn is the jealous type. Wow you THINK? Yes, valid concern. Yup.

Leslie pulls Shawn away because she wants to talk to Shawn about her daughter’s intimacy with Nick. This marks the first time in six weeks I am truly excited about this show. YES YES YES Leslie! Go! ASK HIM how he feels about the fact his girlfriend fucked Nick in a sexual frenzy because she is SO attracted to him. DO it!

She brings it up and expresses her concerns saying that Kaitlyn is a big personality and people are drawn to her, and to her vagine. How will he handle that in the future? He says once they’re committed he won’t be jealous. I WANT to believe him but his overall demeanor of freaking out points to some confidence issue, no? That probably won’t subside.

Haley tells Kaitlyn that she’s “on team Shawn” and I decide I’m on Team Haley. Chick is fun and normal. Meanwhile, Shawn is on a fucking bender! He is SELLING himself hardcore here with lots of buzzwords about being “an established man” and “loving your daughter” and “not psycho” and matching shirts with Kaitlyn’s Dad.


Last Date with Nick 

THIS Date! Now we’re talking! Finally a yacht and champagne! Count me in! Ummm until I get sick watching them because the waves are so insane. Puke.

Nick raves about their incredible connection that “never seems to fade away.” Umm, over the last three weeks? Well done, you guys. Definitely stands the test of time. They head to dinner at some weird hobbit house, where Nick tells her he has a present for her and it’s in his bedroom. There are sooooo many joke possibilities here, ranging from, is it a Dick in the Box or Shawn’s decapitated head to his penis inside her vagine to a full-blown scrapbook, of course. So I’m just not going to make any joke at all.

Gift turns out to be a framed picture (a cute one, actually) with a horrendous poem? Words of some kind, I don’t know. I like it because it’s not a fucking scrapbook. And I REALLY hope it’s on her nightstand when Shawn comes over later.


Last Date with Shawn 

Shawn’s extreme monotone voice now bothers me. Why is this so awkward? She claims, “I wish I could be honest with him about what’s going through my head but I can’t or he’ll kill himself.” She didn’t say that. But for some reason, this is annoying, awkward city. Oh I know why…because she picks him and the producers are trying to make it seem like she doesn’t. Snooze.

He claims things are weird, and if he goes to bed with doubts then “There’s a good chance I won’t be getting down on one knee tomorrow.” Liar. If a hurricane blew through Los Angeles and Kaitlyn was humping Nick in the eye of the storm, you’d still propose. Wow I have no idea what that means.

They break through the weirdness and start talking about their possible life together. He says, “It will never not be fun with you.” Ummm not true. It will definitely NOT be fun sometimes. Kids these days! Did I just say that? Fuck I’m old! He ends the date by giving her a jar of shit.


Proposal Day

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Neil Lane! Neil Lane Who? Neil Lane need a new gig. You guys, seriously, I need to quit this shit.

Neil is there for Shawnie who chooses a big ass ring for Katie. He goes to visit Nick next, who is thrilled it’s Neil Lane coming to the door because last time he was expecting him but Andi showed up to dump him. Neil is clearly confused at Nick’s joy to see him. Nick then tells him this whole story and Neil’s face is all, “Why the fuck are you talking to me so much? Nobody has ever talked to me so much!”

Now they get ready and voiceover themselves about love and fear. Blah. First one out of the limo is….NICK.

He walks up to Kaitlyn and looks nervous and awkward and says some pretty amazing things. I’m yelling at my TV – DO NOT LET HIM PROPOSE DO NOT LET HIM PROPOSE. She BARELY stops him, only grabbing his hands after he pulls the ring out. That’s brutal – no doubt the producers made her do that.

She cries a lot and apologizes and he’s NOT pleased. He says some smart-ish things here…like “nothing you can say would make me feel less confused.” And “I don’t want to hear it.” She thinks that if her decision was rational then it would somehow hurt less for him. Not true, so I’m sort of with Nick here. Just stop talking, Katie pants.

He also says it’s not fair for her to tell him that she felt the same way. AGREED Nick. Oh my god, do I love Nick now? Also, I’m crying…(Although I’m wondering if part of this is tears of joy this shit is over?) She walks him out and that flooring is creaky. In the limo, he tosses his rings at the producer and says he’s the world’s biggest joke. First of all, don’t flatter the show – the WORLD does not watch it. Second of all, you look WAY better than last season, no?

Shawn’s out of the limo next and has a super nice speech for Kaitlyn too, but it feels less awesome now that I know he wrote notes. Dork. She tells him she’s completely his and will always be faithful, blah blah blah. They love each other, he proposes, she accepts – the end!


After the Final Rose 

Fuck this, you guys. That was two hours of TV watching already and I had to stop and take two naps while WRITING this recap. I can’t recap this bullshit, too? Here are some highlights:

• Kaitlyn and Shawn are happy this shit is over and are apparently still in love
• Shawn kept his arm around her like she was a rabid hamster about to escape
• Kaitlyn rubbed a hole in his leg
• Nick again came across as normal and sad, but Harrison kept interrupting him because he blabbed on for too long
• If I was Nick, I would’ve kept talking about how awesome the sex was with Kaitlyn and what a panther she was in the sack. Just to see if Shawn could blow his top.
• I LOVE when Harrison asked Shawn if he hated Nick so much because he was threatened and jealous because Nick knew her first. He might as well have just looked at Shawn and said, “You were jealous and threatened by Nick because he knew her first.” Boom.
• Nick is mad at Kaitlyn for not stopping him BEFORE he said his entire proposal speech, because that was meant for someone else. Well, I hope you plan on tailoring the speech for the next one, right? It’s sort of one of those things that changes depending on the wife, right?
• Again, we’re talking about the pre-existing relationship. This is so fucking repetitive.

That was a shitty recap of the After the Final Rose, but it was really dumb. Not shocking at all – Shawn and Kaitlyn are happy and Nick is pissed, but fine. I’m pissed because this season was repetitive and annoying. But I’m happy because Bach in Paradise looks friggin bananas. But again I’m pissed that it might be five goddamn hours a week. Anyhoo – see you next week. Bach in Paradise apparently starts Sunday night and is on again Monday night, and then there’s an “After Paradise” special Monday night, too. For the love…

Love YOU GUYS!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap – Men Tell All and Kaitlyn almost shows all

I usually have tons of people commenting on my Facebook page about this show. Last night? I had zero. Zilch. So it looks like everyone is as over this show as I am.

This episode blows. At least there were a zillion commercials to fast forward through...and a zillion recaps of the season we JUST watched. They start with a Bachelor in Paradise promo. I’m excited…you guys, it’s going to be disgusting and hilarious. However, then Harrison decides to break my spirit by telling me it will be on Sunday AND Monday nights. Not only that, but THEN there’s a live “After Paradise” special…every week. I simply cannot do that, people. I mean, seriously. That shit will have to be abbreviated.

Because I’m super late with this recap, this shit just got bullet pointed. Highlights:

• Tanner tells Ian that Princeton needs to teach a class on how not to be an asshole. Tanner is still asexual, but I love him here.

• Ian strips his clothes off and gets on his knees and gives an odd apology. I appreciate it, but I can’t shake the feeling he’s just annoyed he was portrayed as such a dick.

 This one has no idea where she is.


• Corey became a super asshole!

• Waaaaay too much debate time about Nick.

• Clint is on this show to tell America he isn’t gay. Not sure if I buy it.

• JJ explains his relationship with Clint, but just digs his hole deeper (that’s what Clint did, too. Zing!)

• Harrison tells JJ his relationship with Clint blew it with Kaitlyn. JJ replies, “That’s not all I blew, if you know what I mean.”

• JJ is on Bachelor in Paradise and I have no doubt he’ll clean up there. The girls don’t get much more desperate than that.

 Does this lady have food in her mouth?


• Ben Z is hot and sweet and amazing. I just bet he’s not that much fun. But honestly, you don’t have to be when you look like that. It’s God’s way of equaling out the universe.

• It is truly concerning that he hasn’t cried in 11 years. It’s more concerning that he hasn’t cried in 11 years but ALMOST cried because of Kaitlyn.

• He should be the next Bachelor before the other Ben. My two cents. There you have it.

• Jared in the hot seat? Not much to report. He’s on Bachelor in Paradise and the previews show him making out with that Kardashian chick. So now I just can’t with Jared. Yikes.

• Ben H in the hot seat is painfully boring. He’s cute-ish and sweet, but I fear a whole season with him may officially close the book on this franchise.

• Kaitlyn’s dress is an odd choice for someone trying to tone down the whore rumors.

• Harrison reads some nasty tweets and I agree that shit was over the top. It also made me rethink my blog. I can be kind of an asshole too.
 
• Ben H asks Kaitlyn why she didn’t tell HIM about banging Nick. He asks, “Was it because you knew I was leaving?” She replies, “Yes, exactly. Oh wait, no no no, I just mean I knew I was choosing Shawn. No no no, that’s not what I meant either! I mean, you are just so understanding that I didn’t feel you had to know. Yeah, that’s it!”

• The guys ask her about Nick, and someone said the reason it hurt was because she told them that she saw her husband in the room. Kaitlyn replies, “Oh please, that’s just something you SAY.”

• Ian gets on his knees again but his apology is cut short by a cramp. That’s embarrassing.

• Blooper reel is always funny-ish, but my favorite part was Harrison and the giant bird.

• Kaitlyn hates birds but has bird tattoos. She explains this by saying she can’t SEE the tattoos. Aaaaand THIS is why she gets a bad rap.

That’s it people. Sorry so short and stupid. Finale next week and then Bach in Herpes-dise. Weeee!

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - Lots o' Vagine Fun in Ireland

And just like that, I find Shawn totally unattractive and now I want Nick on top of me naked.

Shawn and his pussy are still in Nick’s room yelling at him like a little baby. I get that you hate him, but take the high road. Why are you yelling at him? His jealousy and insecurity is so unbelievably unattractive. How do people not know this? He went from like, totally sheik to totally geek. Wait, chic? Sheeeek? I don’t know. Dammit!


Ben Fantasy Suite Date 

Kaitlyn claims he’s hot, charming and serious when it comes to feelings. What a dingbat.

They stumble across some horses to ride. She gets on it and says, “This feels right.” Having a big piece of meat between her legs feels normal. Go figure. Also, who knew I’d make this joke? I’m super predictable at this point, people. But it’s also the show’s fault. SAME SHIT DIFFERENT VAGINE.

Ben claims this is the perfect day. Incorrect, Ben. A perfect day never involves livestock. Talk to me about perfection when I’m on a yacht with Nick, champagne and a sandwich.

They ride to the Cough Cough Castle or something like that. They eat, chat, change into their required Irish cable knit and eat more. They kiss a LOT and he admits he’s 26. How is he 14 years younger than me? That is so depressing.

Apparently a 12-year-old girl by the name of Chris Harrison invites them to spend the night in the fantasy suite. They accept. Duh. They wake up the next day, Ben puts on his cropped yoga pants and leaves.

12-year-old handwriting


Shawn Fantasy Suite Date 

Back at the Lough Cough Resort, Kaitlyn forces Shawn to look like a complete dork while they play golf. Guess what you guys? Golf is like love because you can play it until you’re old. And also because you use your long rod to get things in holes.

He apparently sucks at golf and she wins the game. She asks him to play Truth or Dare and he chooses “dare” because god forbid Eskimo fucking or whatever it’s called, pops up in the truth part of the game. She dares him to streak naked across the golf course. Well, if they haven’t tarnished Ireland yet, they might as well get it out of the way.

At dinner, she asks him about Eskimo humping and he gets really mad that Nick told her. Then he says, “So what happened is…” and she interrupts him and tells him she doesn’t need to know. WHAT?? Yes, you DO. Well, maybe I just do.

Shawn says he went to Nick’s room to talk to him. He said, “I told him I thought he was an asshole. He didn’t take it well.” Ya think?

They head to the fantasy suite where we don’t get many details on what happened inside, but you know, it’s Kaitlyn, so…you know. He leaves the next morning, runs into Nick who asks to talk to him. He says no, then apparently yes, and Nick goes into his room. Shawn yells at him some more, and Nick is coming off like a champ here. Shawn is coming off as a shithead.


Rose Ceremony 

Kaitlyn talks to Harrison and says, “Weirdly I had a great week.” Harrison responds, “Weirdly? But you got to bang three dudes! That’s like your best week ever!” He didn’t say that.

Harrison brings up the excellent point that Shawn is fucking crazy. Well, he massaged that language a bit, but you get the drift. He adds, “So you have to think, is he just crazy here? Or will he be fucking psycho all the time?” She admits this is a concern.

She walks out to the rose ceremony in a dress that has Irish charm written all over it! She gives roses to Nick and Shawn, which is super predictable of course. She walks Ben out, and much like Jared, he takes it like a champ. I’d say he’s got a good chance of next Bachelor, no?

Meanwhile…

 Awkward city.


Meet Nick’s Gigantic Family

Oddly, they don’t let the guys take Kaitlyn to their hometowns. I’m not entirely sure why, but instead they fly all the families out to Deer Valley, Utah and put them up at a hotel. Soooo Kaitlyn just walks from hotel room to hotel room. It’s weird…and I’m bummed because I like seeing the ugly d├ęcor of random America.

Nick’s family is up first and I forgot how ginormous that family is… there are about 10 siblings and Nick’s mom. Was his Dad there? I don’t know. Sorry, shitty reporting. Anyhoo, sister Maria is not pleased with her brother’s poor decision making skills about being on the Bachelorette again. Actually, nobody in this room is pleased. Including Bella. Mom is SAD…she can’t believe they’re all going through this shit again.

Nick and Kaitlyn walk in and they’re all, “Heeeeeeey…..” Trying so hard to pretend they’re into this whole shitshow. They hang out a bit and finally break off into pairs to chit chat. Kaitlyn tells Maria that Nick challenges her. God, I hate that. I’d be SO SAD if my husband “challenged” me all the time. “So why are you eating that?” “What’s your opinion on the crisis in Darfur?” “What’s for dinner?” That sounds exhausting.

Mom and Kaitlyn talk and she tells mom that she brings out Nick’s goofy side. Mom replies, “Oh really? Because we haven’t seen that side forever because he was broken hearted and totally depressed after the last time he was on this fucking show.” She didn’t say that.

Mom later admits to Nick that Kaitlyn looks like she really likes him, and last season she never saw that with Andi. Ouch. Nick then tells his mom that he’s very present with her and that she’s really good at making out. DUDE THAT’S YOUR MOM. Gross.

Now Mom and Nick are both crying – man this show can fuck you up! If he comes in second place again, Mama is going to have words with ABC.

Kaitlyn leaves and takes Nick back to her hotel room…down the hall. So they’re all staying there? And so is Shawn’s family? So what if they all run into each other in the breakfast buffet line?


Meet Shawn’s Family 

Apparently Shawn has older sisters who are super protective so Shawn warns Kaitlyn they will grill her. Where’s Mom anyway? Also, Shawn has butterflies. Like a wee little girl.

Kaitlyn and Shawn walk in and girlfriend is coming on strong. She’s VERY spirited and giggly and loud. She later tells the sisters how strong their initial attraction was. Stop talking to FAMILY about sexual things, attraction, and making out. Ugh.

There’s a lot of the same shit here – family is worried Shawn will get hurt, but they all think she’s great and hope it works out. The end.

She also goes to a hotel room with Shawn where he tells her that he loves her. Are her lips tired? For reals? She leaves and he sits on the damn sofa and doesn’t walk her out. What a douche.

Meanwhile, she goes back to her hotel room, and ponders her decision while crying out on the veranda. She looks over and sees Nick’s sisters and Shawn’s sisters having wine together on the next balcony. Not really. But seriously, they’re ALL in the same hotel?

Next week is Men Tell All, which should be more entertaining…almost done, people! And then Bach in Paradise!

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - Shawn needs to put his vagine away

I’m sucking fumes at this point, people. And Shawn’s complete pussy-ness is such a fucking turn-off. Bring on Bachelor in Paradise.

OK We’re down to five guys - Nick, Shawn, Jared, Joe and Ben. They’re still in Ireland and although the place looks beautiful the weather looks like fucking disaster.

Kaitlyn sent Chris home last week, which she says is the hardest thing she’s ever done. Besides Nick’s penis, that is. God even my jokes are tired at this point. Sigh.


Ben Date 

Kaitlyn and Ben have THE most boring date in Bachelorette history. I know I have said this before but I’m serious this time. They keep outdoing themselves on the boredom scale. They played hide and seek - the real version, not the sexual kind (hiding a penis in your vagine). THAT’S how bored they were.

She asks him if she looks like wife material. He almost chokes out the answer, “Ahem, umm, NO. Not in the slightest, actually. You’re a child, for fucks’ sake.” He didn’t say that.

He decides he wants to share with Kaitlyn what his biggest fear in life is. I immediately get a sense of foreboding. This doesn’t sound good, dude. I fear this will not make him look good. He spits it out: “My biggest fear is being unlovable”. Ohhhh nooooooooo. BEN. BEN, my GOD. Why do you think that’s attractive at ALL? “I’m so scared of not being loved! Waaaaaa!” I get it – we sort of all fear that, but the low self-esteem and desperation aren’t attractive.

Kaitlyn also panics that he’s a virgin and won’t bang her in the fantasy suite. He assured her that he’s not a virgin. “PHEW!” She claims. “My vagine wouldn’t have known what to do!”


Group Date 

The group date is in a park, on a bench. For hours. They literally just go to a bench and then Kaitlyn takes turns pulling them away separately and talking to them. This show went from overly ridiculous humiliating group dates, to nothing. “I have a great idea for an Ireland date. Let’s just have them sit on a bench!”

She talks to Shawn. Here’s the convo:

Shawn: Hi
Kait: Hi
Shawn: It’s weird we didn’t kiss last time.
Kait: Yes it was. Let’s kiss now.

That’s it. For reals. He claims they’re so happy now and back on track! I really hope there is a LOT edited out because I don’t get it.

Nick pulls her aside. She asks if he regrets their sex night. Of course he doesn’t. Why would HE regret it? Then he mumbles a lot and I don’t know what they say.

She pulls Joe aside and he licks her lips for a bit and then tells her that he’s in love with her, and he’d be the happiest guy in the world if he could kiss her forever, blah blah blah. She tells him thanks, but I’m not on the same page…and Joe goes a little banana-pants. He gets totally pissy and quiet and swears at her but he’s mumbling too so I don’t catch it all. She’s not pleased and walks away. I get it – he just laid it out there and he’s feeling humiliated. For some reason, he’s still hotter to me than Shawn.

Kaitlyn tells Nick to go back to the hotel and tells Shawn she needs to talk to him, so they’ll go out to dinner. Shawn is STOKED and it’s now that I realize he refuses to call Nick by his name. He only refers to him as “the other guy.” It’s completely fucking ridiculous and makes me THAT much more annoyed with Shawn. Dude, come on. Stop being such a whiny bitch. You’re so hot and your shit-as-confidence is making you totally un-hot. Stop it. It’s a show where she bangs lots of guys – that’s the premise. She works her way down to one and they get engaged and break up within a year. That’s how it WORKS. Deal with it. If you can’t – which makes sense – most normal people couldn’t handle it, then just leave.

Kaitlyn decides to tell Shawn she banged Nick. I think it’s a good call. It’ll obviously come out sooner or later, and better now, from her. Also it shows that she’s serious about him. It’s clear the final two will be him and Nick, right? (I don’t read spoilers). So she’s not telling Ben about the Nick sexcapade. Shawn should be flattered, really. (?)

He’s not pleased. But you can see his wheels turning as she tells him the news. If he blows up at her and storms out, she’ll just dump him, so you can see he’s thinking how to play his cards here. He’s quiet and grossed out…then goes to the bathroom. Then he comes back and thanks her for her honesty and tells her that he’ll man up and deal with it because at the end of the day he wants her. He says, “What am I going to do, storm out of here?” Ummm YES DUDE. You storm out and say, “You fucking told me I was the one and you then banged Nick a day later. Fuck that. You have no idea what you’re doing. I’m too good for this shit. I’m out of here.” That is an option, you know.


Rose Ceremony 

So we’re down to four: Shawn, Jared, Nick and Ben. Kaitlyn first calls Shawn’s name and he asks to talk to her before he accepts the rose. She’s all, “Fuck, AGAIN??”

DUDE…ENOUGH with the talking. Look I’m a girl and an emotional one and I always want to TALK about things with my husband…but at this point, even I think Shawn needs to shut the fuck up.

I can tell Kaitlyn is annoyed with him at this point. I appreciate her here – she tells him that she IS here to explore other relationships and she never should have told him that he was the one. Basically, she’s telling him to shut up, stop being such a pussy and the fact is she WILL bang other guys. I’m not saying she isn’t a touch slutty, or that this whole thing is a ridiculous premise, but if you sign up for the damn show, the girl (or guy) WILL bang more than just you.

She says, “I don’t think you trust me.” So yeaaaaaah, I don’t think he does. I mean, you’re out banging other guys. What exactly do you want him to trust? That you won’t ALSO go bang producers and shit?

Of course, Shawn accepts the rose. He will no matter what she does. She gives the two others to Ben and Nick. Poor Jared, yo. He’s SUPER sweet, and a total gentleman and she screwed the pooch on this one. That guy is better than the other three combined. The only problem is that I don’t want him naked on top of me. But I still almost cried when he left. Almost.

I also love that in the limo he said he was going to miss her. Instead of “I just want to find love and I can’t find anyone who will love me. I don’t want to be alone”, he says that he really liked HER and will miss her. I love him now. Edges and all.


Nick Fantasy Suite Date 

We’re down to three – Ben, Shawn and Nick. We now start the overnight dates, which seem a little anti-climatic now that she’s had so much “off-camera, in-vagine” time already. But it’s a show formality so let’s get on with it.

Kaitlyn says, “My connection with Nick is a passionate and physical connection. I have concerns if I can see a life with him. I need to figure that out today.” And THAT, my friends, is why this show is fucking ridic. I mean, she needs to figure it out TODAY. In one day. Also, I love that JUST NOW she’s concerned with whether she actually LIKES him or not.

They drink all day in a bar, which is basically all they do on dates. That and hump. Kaitlyn said, “I feel like a real couple today!” Ummm, my husband and I are a real couple and I can’t remember the last time we made out in a restaurant. Or anywhere, actually.

OH NO, Shawn is doing more thinking, y’all. He says he’s annoyed because “that other guy keeps getting in the middle of it.” Ummmm, yeeeeeaaaaah, that’s the show. Maybe YOU keep getting in the middle of it.

Anyhoo, on Nick and Kaitlyn’s date in a prison, Nick tells Kaitlyn that Shawn brags about being “Eskimo brothers” with a famous country singer because they both humped the same girl in the same night. First of all, I didn’t know this term and had to Google it. Second of all, that’s fucking gross. Third of all, does Nick know he’s an Eskimo brother with half the house?

They go to the fantasy suite where I’m sure they hump all night long and they eat a lot of bacon the next morning. Nick looks better from the waist down, just sayin’.

Oh No, ya’ll – guess who’s thinking again? Shawn gets Nick’s room number and visits him after he comes home from his fuck date. Shawn walks in and just decides to tear into Nick and throws a bunch of insults at him. Why? You can hate him if you want, but this just makes you look like a total asshole. Holy moly I’m over this season. Bach in Paradise, please!

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap – Off Camera Time = On Vagine Time

I don’t know if Kaitlyn’s vagine can handle much more “off-camera” time. Her brain can’t handle it either – she’s losing her mind, no?

OK we’re down to nine guys: Ben H, Shawn, Nick, Jared, Chris, JJ, Joe, Ben Z., and Tanner. A text from a friend tells me this: They all look like cartoons - they are oddly colored and have giant faces and huge weird hair. How accurate is that?

We left off last week with crybaby Shawn coming into her room to demand why she is kissing other guys when she’s part of a show that is ABOUT kissing a lot of guys. The best part is watching Kaitlyn squirm – she’s terrified that Nick has been waving his penis’ latest antics around the guys’ hotel suite. She’s freaked that Shawn knows about her Nick-banging. When she realizes he doesn’t know, she is so relieved. What is wrong with her? They’ll find out when they WATCH this show, dingbat. If she’s with Shawn, he is NOT going to be pleased.

Shawn tells her that he doesn’t know if he can do this. He is 100% bluffing. If she said, “You’re right. This is too hard for you. You should go.” He’d be all, “I was kidding! Hahaha! I love you don’t dump me I love you.”

She’s feeling bad about humping Nick but she thinks it wasn’t a mistake. She’s guilty about doing it but she’s not sad she did it. That’s the same thing, lady. You shouldn’t have banged Nick and you shouldn’t have TOLD Shawn he was the winner. She makes a lot of dumb moves. She can’t think past her lady boner.


Two on One Date 

JJ and Joe get the two-on-one date. This date is always for the two guys she could lose. She really wouldn’t care if either of them left. She describes JJ as attractive and edgy and I truly wonder if she’s lost her mind. Edgy? The only thing edgy on this show is Jared’s face. These guys are a bunch of pussies.

 My friend (on the left) sent me this halfway through the show. Ha.


No yachts in Ireland, yo. They take a shit ass fishing boat to…here? And park it, sort of.

We’ll just pull up here then? 

JJ hammers his own coffin shut when he admits he cheated on his wife three years ago…and he has a three-year-old daughter. That means he cheated on his wife when she was either pregnant or home with a newborn. I see why she divorced you. Not cool, JJ.

Joe, on the other hand, is adorable here, even with his big forehead. He tells her that she’s one-in-a-million (not sure if that’s meant in a good or bad way) and that he’s falling in love with her and then he chomps at her lips a little. I still dig him, even if one of my readers called him Butthead (from Beavis and Butthead). Just like I still think Shawn is hot even though someone called him Alf. Although Shawn was much hotter before he became a pussy. Take note men – confidence is sexy. Whining and demanding validation is not. That goes for chicks too.

He looks hot here, no?

Back to the date…she says goodbye to JJ who decides to plant the “I’d be a great Bachelor” seed in his exit. “I just want to find someone special. Sigh…” She gives Joe the rose.


Shawn is Sad...Again

Oh no, Shawn is sitting on a bench alone again.

He goes to Kaitlyn’s room AGAIN and I am almost physically assaulting my TV at this point. SHAWN – put your pussy away and suck it up.

So here’s the scoop…a few weeks ago she told Shawn that he was the one. Therefore, Shawn is annoyed because if that is the case, why are you kissing everyone else. So the mistake lies with Kaitlyn telling Shawn this. Also, WHY DID YOU BANG NICK IF YOU THOUGHT SHAWN WAS THE ONE? She is 18, I swear.

Shawn tells Kaitlyn he’s feeling insecure, and she’s thrilled he still doesn’t know about Nick. She gets a little pissy pants at his pussiness and tells him she shouldn’t have reassured him so much. She says that if they’re going to happen, she has to finish the show and meet other families, etc. She has a point. Too bad she didn’t think of that point before she humped Nick and told Shawn she would choose him.

Shawn sounds like Elvis when he talks.


Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony 

I’m so over this. She makes the rounds, doing one-on-one time with all of them and making out with ALL of them. Oddly Nick cries but I’m not sure about what. Ben H. also has complaints but neither Kaitlyn nor me or the entire viewing audience knows what exactly that is. There are some other conversations but it’s all the same shit. Let’s move on.

So JJ left earlier…Nick, Jared and Joe already have roses. The other three roses go to Ben H., Chris and Shawn.

Therefore, Ben Z. and Tanner head home. Tanner going home was a no-brainer, although I will miss his voice of reason. Maybe he could stay and be a commentator? I have no clue why she boots Ben Z before Dentist Chris. That’s just weird. Ben Z is hot. On the way out, he also turns on his Bachelor audition: “Having that forever love is everything to me. It’s the only thing I need. I just gotta find her…I’m trying. Sigh.”

Finally down to six guys, so I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

She meets the six remaining guys at a big green bus and tells them they’re making a road trip to Killarney. But Jared gets to ride in the Mini Cooper with Kaitlyn. Little does he know the bus is a LOT safer. She is a terror behind the wheel. Can she not judge the distance from the car to the curb? Is her vagina driving? We know her vagina lacks judgment, so it would make sense.

Jared feels like this is just a road trip with his girlfriend! Totally! I love those road trips when my boyfriend hops out at the end and bangs a few other guys.

They arrive at the Blarney Stone and kiss it for good luck. This is right up Kaitlyn’s alley! She even has to be on her back for it! (For the record, I don’t bash Kaitlyn for humping. I bash Kaitlyn for humping on a show when it fucks it all up when she humps one of them. And for telling one guy he was the chosen one and humping a different guy that same week. Basically, I don’t bash her vagine. I bash her decision-making skills)


Harrison is in Ireland! 

 Harrison tells Kaitlyn that she is going to narrow it down to three guys this week. He tells her it’s unfair she humped Nick without humping the others. So he’s going to give her fantasy suite dates with those three guys to level the playing field (her vagine). After she has “off-camera time” (aka on-vagine time) with the remaining three guys, she will meet two of their families. He basically wants to limit the number of families who have to be exposed to Kaitlyn. That was mean.

He tells the guys the news and then gives Chris the next date card (aka the execution card).


Chris Date 

This is such a formality – just a way to get rid of him. He says, “I feel so lucky she chose me for this date.” Um you shouldn’t.

He claims what’s happening with Kaitlyn is as close to magic as you can get. How can he be so delusional? The date is painfully awkward. She eases the awkwardness by kissing him before she boots him. Odd decision. Again.

Eventually, she tells him to go. She makes it ALL about her, saying he’s perfect but she just doesn’t feel it. She tells him that he’s everything she wants in someone but she doesn’t fully see it and she doesn’t know why. I know why: It’s because she can’t picture him naked on top of her.

Chris is SAD and almost decides to end it all by jumping off the Cliffs of Moher. A lady producer sort of steps in, but dentist pulls it together. Sort of.

Previews for next week: Guess what? She’s STILL FUCKING TALKING about her “mistake” with Nick. They edit it like she tells the guys she humped Nick. She doesn’t, I’m sure. Just editing to make us watch because this season sucks the big one. The good news is we’re down to five guys!

I am getting more excited for Bachelor in Paradise, though. August 2nd premiere!

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - And now, Kaitlyn presents you....her Vagine

Where we left off…
Ian is ripping into Kaitlyn. She holds it together…too much. I would’ve said, “You know what? Fuck off, you fucking sack of horse shit.” Ian goes on and on about how shallow she is and that she’s just there to make out with guys. He leaves and in the limo says, “I just want to have sex.” Really? Anyone else see a strange Hi-Pot-I’m-Kettle-You’re-Black thing going on?

It kills me that he thinks he’s so deep. He’s fucking boring and waaaaay too serious. I can’t even begin to think about how boring it would be to date him. He’d be all, “So the situation in Darfur is getting serious.” And I’d be all, “Yo, let’s do shots! Did you see the new Dumb and Dumber movie? Hilar!”

Kaitlyn wraps it up with, “I’m disappointed in how you approached this, you don’t appreciate who I am, and you actually feel good about this?” So THIS is when I start to get behind Kaitlyn – this is all rational. Then she goes and fucks Nick and creates a fake funeral and I want to punch her again.

Nick consoles her by sticking his tongue in her mouth, so I guess that works?

Jared is pointy. And Shawn is shiny. And pissed off. And about two episodes away from a DEFCON 5 meltdown.


Rose Ceremony 

Really? At the Alamo? Do we have to shit all over the history of the Alamo? Harrison is proud this is taking place in his home state. Way to try and make this show about you for one second. Ain’t gonna happen.

Ben H, Shawn and Nick already have roses. The rest go to:

Jared – Not Subway Jared. Pointy. Scruffy.
Chris – Despite being cute, he has zero sex appeal. Zero.
JJ – Still just so gross. Come on Kaitlyn.
Joe – He was quiet this week, which means he’s on the way out. But I like him.
Ben Z – Really big and cute. I could get behind him.
Tanner – Nope. Cute and normal but again...soooo not naked-on-top-of-me material.

Ben: Me so happy I get rose!


Therefore, the following dudes are going home.

Ian – In case that wasn’t clear.
Justin – Yup, not a real shocker here.
Joshua – The hot welder who acted like a 10-year-old.

Joshua is MORE upset about Nick being there than about actually leaving himself. If Nick left with him, I can totally see him saying, “Oh Nick’s leaving too? Phew, ok then. No biggie. Back to welding I go!”

Ireland 

They head to Ireland and we find out visiting Dublin has always been on her bucket list because it has pubs and churches. Lord help us. They get to Dublin and they get to shack up in the very fancy, very Irish Radisson. The first one-on-one date is with Nick, and Shawnie pants is NOT pleased. I’m watching him like a ticking time bomb.

Nick is excited about his date. He says, “Looks like I just got lucky in Dublin.” So right here, I could make a joke about “Yeah Nick will be saying that again in a few minutes”, BUT ITS SO FUCKING PREDICTABLE and I’m SO OVER this show.

Nick and Kaitlyn walk all over the place just friggin mauling each other’s mouths. It’s truly almost uncomfortable to watch. I get it – I’ve been there before. You can’t keep your hands off each other. And it’s normal to bang someone you’re dating. I don’t bash her for making out or having sex…but I just think if it was me and I was on TV, knowing that not only my parents were watching but all the other dudes, I might just censor a bit more. I don’t know. I think she’s horny and doesn’t think things through and a tad dumb, but I truly don’t hate on her too much. I do hate on this show though – it’s just always the same and it never really works out in the end and the lame group dates are enough to push me over the edge.


WE GET IT SHE HATES BIRDS. Nick says, “So we’re probably never going to a park again.” Seriously, I like him. How is that possible? I don’t love him and I don’t want him naked on top of me, but he’s coming across as much less smarmy than he did last season. Isn’t that weird? I can’t explain it. He’s kind of funny and normal-ish.

Nick claims, “We’re drawn to each other, so I’m excited to see where this goes. Or maybe I should say, I’m excited to see where my penis goes in about an hour. Zing!”

They walk around Dublin getting wasted and fondling each other and it sounds like an awesome day, actually. They do some Irish dancing and the street people are not happy with them. Nick then pins her against a wall and jams his penis into her hip. Good lord.

This does not look safe.


I think Kaitlyn’s oval shaped teeth bother me.

Their dinner conversation:

Nick: Slurp slurp slurp I’m DYING to get my penis in you
Kaitlyn: I knooooow. Slurp, slurp, slurrrrrrp.

That’s it, seriously. She gives him the rose and then…her vagine.

She blatantly makes the first move, asking him to come to her hotel room. Once in the room, she walks him into the private bedroom, where she oddly doesn’t turn off her microphone? That seems like an odd oversight. She is heavily breathing and they play that sound, at the same time as Jared and Shawn talking by the fire about how sad they are.

Nick leaves the next morning and she’s all smiley and talking to herself on the balcony. She’s pretty forthcoming about the fact they had sex. At least she’s not being all dumb and trying to hide it. However, I do not comprehend how she’s not the slightest bit worried about how the guys will react when they see this episode. She begins to freak about the possibility of Nick telling the other guys THAT DAY, but hello? What about once you’re engaged, most likely to someone else, and then he watches this? She can’t think two feet in front of her vagine.

Nick tells the guys about their date, leaving out all the details about his tongue play, his dry humping against pillars and the actual vagine penetration. However, I suspect all the guys know the truth. I mean, they HAVE met her before…


Group Date 

Group date is for Tanner, Ben Z, Shawn, Jared, Ben H. and Chris. Is there a shortage of things to do in Dublin? So they have to pretend Kaitlyn is dead? And make toasts to her in a casket? This might be the dumbest fucking idea of them all.

I didn’t hear the requirement that the toasts had to rhyme, but whatever. The guys do a somewhat funny job, but I’m just annoyed in general now. Ben Z asks the guys to leave and does a nice, somber-ish toast to Kaitlyn. He admits it was hard for him because his mom died a tragic death when he was young. Kaitlyn says, “I wanted this date about death to be light-hearted and FUN. I had no idea it would be sad for someone whose mom died. Geesh, he’s such a buzz kill.”

The after party is boring. Ben Z bonds with her, Jared kisses her awkwardly, but somehow earns the rose. She takes him to a special concert in a church by the Cranberries, and I realize I hate this song every bit as much as I did 25 years ago.

After that, Shawnie gets dangerously close to a full-fledged breakdown. He leaves the group and bonds with a producer of some sort. He says, “You’re the guy I talk to most around here.” Wait, what? They go get beers with the crew? What the fuck? That seems like a violation of some sort. So Shawn tells him that Kaitlyn sat on his bed for seven hours and told him that he was The One. Soooo…I have questions. Why didn’t they show ANY of that? Why would she say that to him? Why are they just SITTING on the bed? Have you ever SAT on a bed before for an extended period of time? It seriously hurts your back. They should’ve just laid down and humped too.

Anyhoo, Shawn tells the guy he’s super pissed and doesn’t think he could handle it anymore. He can’t handle this and he doesn’t even know Kaitlyn and Nick banged? How will he handle the fantasy suite? By the way, the more he gets all sad and weepy about this, the less I want him naked on top of me.

He gets secret producer permission to visit her in her sex den. He walks in and they greet each other all nice-like (very unlike the previews where he storms in and says, “Don’t you know what we have?!” Fucking producers, seriously.)

So they are sitting on the couch and he’s about to tell her how hard this is for her…but it’s the end of the show. I’ll just tell you what happens next week. He’ll get all weepy, and she’ll convince him to hang in there and it’ll be worth it in the end. Then they’ll make out and he’ll walk out and say, “She really comforted me and made me feel confident in what we have.” Bleeeeeah.

The end. See you next week, friends!