Friday, January 30, 2015

Guest Post Next Week!

As you guys might know, I'm in Cabo next week and won't be posting a recap. I have the BEST readers - some super funny people read my blog and post the greatest comments on my blog or Facebook page (are we FB friends yet? Click on the link to the right and shoot me a friend request).

Anyway, a couple people had the great idea that while I'm gone some of YOU can write a guest recap for me! I've had a number of people who have offered, so here's what I'm thinking...Write a recap (or your thoughts, whatever format you like, doesn't have to be long) and email them to me at - I will pick my favorite five or so to post. If I get flooded with them, I just can't post them all, so I'll read as many as I can and pick a few favorites. It won't be a super scientific method. I'll probably be drunk doing it. Send them to me by 3pm Tuesday and I'll post them by early evening. If you're a serious blogger, include a link to your blog and I'll post that with your recap!

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Bachelor Recap – Vagina Virgin = Mouth Whore

Holy shit, there are 15 girls left? My god.

There are two group dates this week and a 1-on-1 date. The kicker is that Chris’ sisters get to interview the girls and decide who gets the 1-on-1 date. What I wouldn’t give to be the one to interview these girls and decide that…someone make that happen for me!

Group Date 

The group date is for Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie and Kelsey. “Let’s do what feels natural”, says the card. “Blow jobs, then?” asks Ashley I. Just kidding. Sort of.

It’s clear these girls are anything but natural. Why did they cast all these chicks with hair extensions and full face when they know the winner is bound for farm life in Iowa, forever? Also, do we really trust Megan to drive a motorized vehicle? Ashley I. has her pants undone. Is this a look now? I can’t even BEGIN to describe how unattractive this look would be on me.

They frolic in the water and I can only imagine what Ashley I.’s face is going to look like when that shit gets wet. I mean, she’ll look like she’s melting, no? This chick sucks so hard. And that sentence works with both meanings.

Meanwhile back at the house, Jillian and her black box are passed out by the pool. She is a dude. For fucks’ sake, I’m surprised she’s not passed out with a football game on and her hands down the front of her pants. Also, I think the producers are just messing with us now, with that black box.

 Still funny

Sisters interview the girls and I can tell they love Jade. She’s so demure, quiet and sweet – I just keep thinking about those stripper leather heels from last week when she dove into Chris’ bed. How is that this same girl? They also like Carly who cries that men aren’t nice to her. That shit is heartbreaking. But I’m quickly distracted by Whitney. Crap… she’s normal, people, but the VOICE. (I keep wanting to hum the theme song to the Voice when I see her…”This is THE VOICE!”)

OK Back to the date. They’re playing red rover. Assholes. And plus? That game sucks, it rips your fingers off. Ashley I. is still sporting full face and she looks like a complete asshole. Why is she even pretending she could live on a farm? Kelsey is being a whiny bitch about the camping thing, and she’s bugging me. But I totally agree – I hate camping. But not because it’s hard to maintain my full face but because I hate cold, uncomfortable things and not being able to shit in a clean toilet.

Kaitlyn keeps saying that she’s in her element because they’re camping. She looks like a chick who would be comfortable shitting in a dirt hole. Just sayin’. Kelsey is still pouting and I just realized her laugh is just as infuriating as Whitney’s voice… and the other Ashley drinks and throws her crazy all over the place. I think she tells Chris she loves him, but honestly it’s so ridiculous.

Jesus Christ! If I have to watch Ashley I. and Chris kiss one more time I’m going to fucking vomit. For real, it is disgusting. Carly later says that her mouth isn’t a virgin. God, so true. Her mouth is a total whore. Funny how virgins can be skanky. I’d bet her mouth has seen ten times the number of penises that my vagina has. There’s a sentence I didn’t think I’d write today.

He gives the rose to Kaitlyn, probably because she’s in her element. (?)

Before we end this date, Ashley I. breaks into Chris’ tent so her mouth can fuck his tongue. She also attempts to tell him that she’s a virgin. She fails…But the funny part is her telling the camera over and over that she wants to show him that she’s not a total whore and she can prove it by telling him she’s a virgin. Don’t you think the way you molest his mouth and dry hump his pants makes you skanky anyway? Also, I’m so confused as to why she thinks it’s a selling point that she’s never had a boyfriend. Guys don’t even want to DATE chicks like that, let alone marry one? She is so dumb.

Jade Date 

The sisters picked sweet ol’ innocent Jade for the Cinderella date. Apparently, Chris doesn’t know who it is, but he IS seen begging his sisters not to send Jillian. At the house, this crazy 70 year-old lady with pink hair forces Jade to get dressed. They also do her hair and makeup and force her to watch trailers from the new Cinderella movie, coming soon to a theatre near you. Although they don’t make her watch it because there’s a cross-promotion AT ALL – they do it because it’s truly the 70-year old lady with pink hair’s inspiration. She just LOVES Cinderella. Even though this movie isn’t out yet.

Neil Lane also gifts her a pair of diamond earrings. He’s quoted as saying, “I’ve been trying for over a decade to give my goddamn engagement rings away and I’ve only been able to do that, like twice, so here – take some damn earrings.”

Oh Chris? We haven’t made you look like a huge asshole in a couple episodes – would you mind dancing with yourself? Greeeeat, thanks.

Jade walks in and Chris is thrilled that it’s not Jillian – I mean, he’s thrilled that it’s Jade. She’s looking pretty good and seems normal. She might be as boring as a thumb tack, but then I remember last weeks’ hooker heels and wonder where that slutty spark came from? So I don’t know this chick at all? It’s so confusing. They seem to get along well, even when they’re forced to dance on a platform.

Side note: Back at the house, Ashley I. decides to have her own princess date, with her own fancy dress, and again a face full of fucking paint. She also says, “OMG you guys, it’s been HOURS since I’ve had something big, long and hard in my mouth. I need it now! Oh phew, corn.”

Side note again: Even the way she eats corn is nauseating. She puts a bunch of corn in her mouth and then drinks a huge mouthful of wine WHILE THE CORN IS STILL IN THERE. I mean…

The producers of Cinderella make Jade RUN down the stairs in high heels, as if she’s late for her midnight departure. Which she’s not. I hate this show. So much.

Group Date #2 

 This group date is for Nikki, Jillian, Carly, Whitney, Britt and Becca. The card says, “Let’s get dirty.” Ashley I. yells, “DAMN! Another date I’d be perfect for! Oh it doesn’t mean like, sexually dirty? Then I’m out.”

They are forced to wear wedding dresses and poor Jillian looks insane. But her mood improves dramatically when they arrive at the Mud Fest in San Francisco and she realizes she gets to do physical stuff. They do the obstacle course, but Jillian runs so far ahead, so quickly, they apparently don’t even have cameramen who can keep up with her. Chris tries to trip her a bunch so he doesn’t have to take her out alone that night.

Of course, she wins. The other girls head home and Jillian and Chris are forced to have dinner together. I can’t even describe how painful this looks. She is so friggin self-absorbed. She only talks about herself and her penis. I can’t even imagine how horrid that night would have been for Chris. He finally can’t take it anymore and tells her to go home. She gets no rose. She cries…she tells the camera that she is sorry for not sharing her heart with him. What the? She just shared everything, for hours… over and over. Undersharing is not your problem, lady.

Cocktail Party 


• Megan blindfolds him and plays “how many senses do you have?” Or maybe it’s just, “I’ll put food in your mouth and you tell me what it is?” Or “Only use three senses, but wait, what are our senses again?”
• Ashley I. NEEDS to tell Chris she’s a virgin because THAT will make her marriage-material. She tells him and he says, “I did NOT see that coming.” This is not a compliment. She then cries because he didn’t kiss her, saying, “It was like all of a sudden I became way too innocent for him.” Ummm, NO. That’s definitely, definitely, definitely, not the case. I think his mouth needed a break from your tongue molesting.
• Becca’s a virgin too? It’s actually unfair to put her in the same boat as the mouth-whore virgin. Also? If there was ONE way to ruin mouth whore’s night it was that.
• I THINK Britt questions Chris’ integrity but I’m not entirely sure how. Chris becomes MAD CHRIS and expresses his RAGE by saying, “You guys, you can go home if you want.”

Rose Ceremony 

Kaitlyn and Jade already have roses and Jillian was already sent home. Nine other roses go to:

Whitney – the Voice
Carly – The one who called out the mouth whore. In other words, my sister wife.
Megan – Really hot. REALLY dumb.
Samantha – Seriously, who?
Mackenzie – Quinoa’s mom. Very little Quinoa chatter. She’s still 12.
Kelsey – Became a bit of a whiny bitch this week and we discovered her horrendous laugh.
Becca – the REAL virgin
Ashley I. – Virgin, my ass.
Britt – Vanessa Lachey, cute? normal-ish? Integrity-questioner. I think.

Therefore, the following three chicks were sent home:

Ashley S. – She’s not honestly crazy. She’s playing her 15 minutes and I’m over it.
Juelia – Juuuuuuelia. Needs to go home and heal. Good chick, but this isn’t her deal.
Nikki – Who?

I love that three girls get the boot and it’s clear he doesn’t give a shit about Nikki and Ashley, but he actually walks Juelia out. That’s funny.

So this blog post was LATE and I’m sorry! In other “I’m a shitty blogger” news, I am going to Cabo next week, so no recap! I went last year and everyone was super helpful in giving me tips on how to find the show online from a foreign country, but the truth is…I think I just want to sit on my ass and drink and not watch it or write about it. I know! I’m the worst blogger. I’m so sorry, but let Mama enjoy her margaritas and I’ll be back in two weeks! I really, really, really love all of you, though. So thank you for reading, despite my shitty blogging schedule these days. Xoxo

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Bachelor Recap - Black box = definitely a penis hider

Jimmy Kimmel needs to be there every week. Those are the questions I would ask if I got to be there too… wait – I need to be there every week! How fun would that be?

Kimmel tells the ladies he’s going to help Chris by making love to each of them. I mean, was I meant to marry Jimmy Kimmel? He then introduces the “amazing” jar – you have to put $1 into it every time you say amazing. The amazing bell ringing throughout the show was definitely a highlight. The show seems to be making more fun of itself this season – it’s about fucking time.

Kaitlyn Date 

They head to Costco – an amazing date. For real, I love that Kimmel is like, “This is what real people do on dates.” Sort of true – I appreciate the sentiment anyway. They shop around and Chris says that Kaitlyn is a good sport. Well, yeah, she’s on a job interview, basically. What if she was walking around all pissy pants, like, “This date sucks. Where’s my helicopter and rented jewelry?”

They head back to Chris’ guest garage and barbecue meat with Jimmy Kimmel. He asks Kaitlyn if she’ll be mad at Chris for banging two other girls in the fantasy suite. She says, “No, you can’t buy a car without test driving it.” To which Kimmel looks at Chris and says, “I mean, it’s not going to get better than this.” Too bad she’s full of shit. Also, it’s driving me nuts that I can’t tell if I love or hate her. She’s a potty mouth and a smart ass, so I can get behind that. But she’s mildly annoying and never acts serious, so maybe that’s lame? I hate it when I can’t pin these bitches down.

Chris gives Kaitlyn the rose, and then they make out in the hot tub, again with Kimmel. I seriously love this. I wish he was there all the time.

Group Date 

The group date is for Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly.

Kimmel says he planned this date because it’s important to see how these people would work out when on a farm. It’s a great point and a great idea…so then, the only helpful thing would be if this date was ACTUALLY like working on a farm. When will Chris’ wife be forced to shuck corn in a speed round?

Jillian, her overly ripped body and her steroids are thrilled for any kind of physical competition. I really don’t get this type of bodybuilding – she looks insane. That is not attractive. And her hairy ass and penis is sticking out of her shorts so the producers are forced to black box that shit the entire episode. Me don’t understand. Is she too busy working out to Nair that shit off?

Anyway, the girls speed shuck the corn, steal a chicken fetus, milk a goat, chug it down, shovel some shit and wrestle a pig. Jillian dominates, mostly because there was no drug testing before the event. But Cruise Ship Carly hangs on. Kelsey hangs on for awhile too but gags trying to drink the goat sperm. Amber comments that the milk was warm and salty – “Not stuff I like in my mouth.” It’s not a coincidence she get eliminated this episode. Also, this explains why Jillian is so successful. Doesn’t she just look like the type of “girl” who can gobble down ejaculate without an issue? WOW that was graphic.

Carly wins, and it looks like her prize is taking a photo with Chris? So that’s bullshit.

After Party 

Carly pulls Chris aside and explains that he’s a man and she’s a woman, so that means she should kiss him. I don’t follow the logic, but hey, I appreciate her balls.

Amber asks him to slow dance, which is a horrid idea. She makes it even more horrid by saying, ”Let’s pretend it’s our wedding.” I know at this moment she doesn’t stand a chance. LADIES – No man enjoys role-playing his wedding…within the first week of meeting you, and he certainly doesn’t like being exposed to your desperation. STOP.

Mackenzie…she’s seriously 12. I can’t even believe what a child she is. She is absolutely floored when she realizes Chris has been (gasp!) KISSING other girls. So she asks him why he’s doing that. He’s so dumbfounded by the stupid question, he fumbles…then recovers and says, “Because I’m the fucking Bachelor. And I want to. And I’m a nice farm boy, but don’t let that fool you. I’m kind of a man whore.” Well, he paraphrases that, but you get it.

Who is Becca? Where did she come from? She’s cute…and normal-sounding. She refuses to kiss Chris, which is interesting. In about three episodes, he’ll dump her because he’ll claim he can’t get to know her unless she “lets him in.” But for now, I like her. Chris does too – and gives her the rose. Or he thinks it’ll make him look less smarmy to give the rose to the one girl he doesn’t molest.

Whitney Date 

I’m sorry, but this nice girl’s voice is a fucking deal breaker. She seems kind, nice, normal, sweet, only a smidge desperate…but that voice. Ugh.

They head to some winery where they chat over wine. Chris remarks that it’s attractive to him when a girl walks into a bar and makes friends with strangers. Some call that a whore, no? Oh, I’m kidding.

She comes up with the idea to crash the wedding that’s happening at the same place. She’s so pleased with herself because she can show him now how she’s the type of girl who can talk to strangers. So remember a couple years ago when one of the bachelors went to some castle for a date? That’s a winery in Napa and I just went there last month. The tour guide told us all about the Bachelor crew and said they were totally disruptive, insisted on all these little details and shut the place down basically. So we’re supposed to believe there’s a wedding happening this same day and time as their date, but this whole crash thing wasn’t planned? I find it far-fetched. If it was actually not planned, I’m wondering if the producers had to pay off the couple? I mean, they had their wedding on TV. Sort of. These are the details that will keep you up at night when you watch too much of this goddamn show.

Anyhoo, Whitney says, “There’s something about weddings that is so romantic.” That’s like saying, “There’s something about a pool that is so wet.” Or “there’s just something about a light bulb that is so bright.” They head over to the wedding, complete with a fancy gift, full makeup, etc. They walk into the wedding and I get all awkward and nervous for them. OMG where are they going to sit?

Turns out he IS impressed with her ability to chat with strangers and she is impressed with his ability to dance. She’s been drinking a lot, is the only explanation for that. They slow dance and it’s funny because she’s looking at him like she’s completely in love with him, and he’s looking at her like he wants to fuck her brains out.

He gives her the rose after they leave the wedding and he face grabs her when they kiss. Ugh! The dreaded face grab. Get your hands OFF my face. Yuck.

Pool Party 

Instead of a cocktail party, the girls are told they’re having a pool party with Chris that day. They aren’t happy about it. They all want to be in full fucking makeup and hair, but that doesn’t go easily with poolside casualness. It’s like they don’t know what to do. God forbid they go natural. So most of them opt for the awkward combo of full hair and makeup but in a bathing suit with heels. It’s probably my least favorite look of all time. Oh and Ashley I. is especially disappointed because she wanted to do her Kardashian look tonight. So instead she wears her un-Kardashian look of full makeup and a gold headband around her brain. So what the hell IS the Kardashian look? Good grief. Oh and you’re a “Freelance Journalist?” Fuck you, so am I. It’s called a blog and it’s not a career. You don’t get paid for it. Wait, what? Some people do? Why the fuck does nobody tell me these things?

Juelia…this suicide thing is so sad. Jesus. And her eyelashes are very clumpy.

Britt was just called the Vanessa Lachey doppelganger on my Facebook page. THANK YOU! Lord, that’s been killing me.

Jade is feeling insecure because Chris’s mouth is molesting everyone else’s mouth but hers. So she does her best to slut it up, so he’ll lick her mouth too. And in these girls’ heads – mouth molestation equals love. So then they get happy. Jade looks fucking ridiculous in a bikini and high heels, as she prances into his garage-house and jumps into his bed to make out. God I hate people.

Meanwhile, Jillian decides to go after Chris…Her and her black box wait patiently in the hot tub. I mean, can you imagine her living on the farm? She’d be lifting tractors and shit. Mackenzie and Ashley I. try to crash the hot tub party but Jillian refuses to leave (roids make you angry and stubborn). Ashley cries about it. Shut up, Virgin. (Also, I was definitely under my sofa for part of this segment. SO awkward. Ugh)

Chris comes into the house and Ashley pulls him upstairs with the determination of Jillian trying to bench 800 pounds. She takes him to a balcony and dry-hump-rapes him. She is the sluttiest virgin I’ve ever seen – wow. So maybe because she doesn’t have sex, she has mastered the art of the dry hump. She pulls him down on top of her despite the fact they’re on the ledge of a building. Watching her kiss him is borderline nauseating. She walks away with the confidence she was hoping for. God, there is so much wrong with that sentence. Can we teach girls that when a boy wants to stick it in you, it doesn’t even mean they like you? Not even a little! The two are totally unrelated in a boy’s head. I could NOT have been this stupid when I was 24, right? College friends – don’t answer that.

So Ashley I. can’t kiss normal – it’s all porn style. Oh and just to nail the coffin shut, she first cries to him about not being able to have alone time with him. Not. Attractive.

Rose Ceremony 

Becca, Whitney and Kaitlyn already have roses. The other 12 go to:
  • Jade – bathing suit and heels. Enough said. 
  •  Samantha – Who? 
  • Juelia – Husband killed himself. I’m sure there’s more to her than that, but of course, the show doesn’t let us see anything else. All suicide, all the time. 
  • Mackenzie – Quinoa’s mom, but might as well be Quinoa’s playmate. The bitch is 7. 
  • Kelsey – cute, normal. Gags on goat milk. I like her but her mouth hasn’t been molested by Chris yet, so I’m not sure he’s into her. 
  • Britt – Vanessa Lachey lookalike. Normal-ish waitress from Hollywood…which, by definition, just can’t be right so stay tuned. 
  • Megan – Cute chick from last week. I like her because she actually attempts the “natural” look. Sort of. But she’s not smart. 
  • Carly – Cruise ship singer who finally showed some spunk this week. Not sure if she’s slutty enough for Chris. 
  • Ashley S – The truly crazy one from last week. Her meds kicked in this week. 
  • Nikki – Nope, no idea. 
  • Jillian – Roid head. 
  • Ashley I – Virgin blogger whore 
Crazy eyes

Therefore, the following chicks get sent home: Amber (bartender who doesn’t swallow), Trina (the oldie) and Tracy (no clue).

Amber comments on the way out that she should’ve fought more. No, you just should have been able to put salty shit in your mouth.

See you next week!

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The Bachelor Recap - I need to know what's under that black box

This is barely a reality show at this point. No chance that 95% of these chicks are for real, right? Let’s go… Night one ends and even these chicks are over it.

 Yoga Kimberly wasn’t given a rose but begs to come back (always sexy). Oddly, Chris gives in and lets her stay. Ashley I. says, “It showed us Chris isn’t going to play by the standard rules.” She then tacks on, “Which might MEAN, maybe he’ll poop on me during sex.”

Anyone who reads my blog knows I make at least one “pooping during sex” joke per season. And if there’s one chick who might enjoy getting pooped on during sex, it’d be her…amiright? Also, my fat ass she’s a virgin.

Oh and one more thing. I got a lot of comments and emails last week asking what my “lying on top of me naked” status is, for Chris. Again, for those who haven’t read this blog before, I always judge whether I like a guy by if I can picture him on top of me naked. It’s a perfect tool to assess husband-worthiness. Sounds weird, but try it. Anyhoo, I definitely don’t want Chris rubbing around on me naked and it’s a perfect use of this method, actually. He’s a good-looking dude, right? But there’s something off about him. Something smarmy and pussy-like that makes me cringe if I picture him naked on top of me. So there you go.

Group Date 

Back to it. The next morning, Chris, who apparently lives in the mansion’s converted garage, is again forced to shower outside (no indoor plumbing in garage, I guess). And we’re off on the first date, which includes Jade (28, Cosmetics Developer), Tandra (30, Executive Assistant), Ashley I (26, Virgin Journalist), Mackenzie (15…ok 21, Quinoa’s mom), Kimberly (28, Begging Yoga Girl) and Tara (26, Drunk Fisherwoman). “Show me your country”, the card says, to which Ashley replies, “I’m more Kardashian than country.” Let me tell you with 100% certainty that this chick GETS OFF on the fact people compare her to a Kardashian. Also, she DOES know the show requires her to permanently reside in Iowa, right?

Pool party! How pissed are they that they just did full hair and makeup and now have to jump in a pool? After some water frolicking, they head to downtown LA where they race tractors through the streets. At less than one mile per hour. In bikinis. And cowboy boots and heels. Uneventful. Except for how ridiculous they look.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Jillian and Megan break into Chris’ garage house. Megan spends her time ramming her head into walls like that kid in the movie, Parenthood. Jillian just walks around with a black box around her vagina. And it’s a big black box. Jordan later tells us that Jillian is super hairy but I think that box is hiding her penis. What I DO know, is that part of me would pay good money to see what’s under that box.

 What's behind box number 1? Penis or roid-induced hairiness?

Juelia tells the girls in the house about her daughter, Ireland. (Who will forever be known as Kazakhstan in this blog. Just cause I like making fun of kids’ names). She also mentions that Kazakhstan’s dad killed himself soon after she was born. I mean…my God. I would be wrapped up in a corner somewhere – how is she able to function? I give her credit for being a walking/talking human being. How horrible.

Back on the date, Chris oddly chooses Mackenzie to end the date with, alone. The other girls are not pleased. Tara and her paralyzing low self-esteem comment, “I always walk away empty handed.” She adds on, “Except when I fish. That’s why I fish, people. I can catch them and keep them with me. They don’t run away. Ever.”

Chris quickly comes to regret his decision to keep Mackenzie as she immediately asks him about aliens and tells him about her big nose fetish, all while giggling uncontrollably. She truly is 15. Wow. But that won’t stop him from sticking his tongue down her throat! Maybe that’s actually to shut her up, which isn’t a bad move in retrospect. He ends up giving her the rose, but that’s because she dropped the Quinoa bomb and he can’t dump her now, without looking like a dick. I mean, I’d get it, but you know.

Megan Date 

She is so excited for her one-on-one date with Chris. Of course, she doesn’t realize it’s a date. She thinks the date card is just a little note. She is scary dumb, people. Anyway, she’s excited and squeals, “I wish everyone could feel my insides right now!” Don’t worry, lady. Chris will soon. With his fingers. Gross, sorry.

 "Best. date. ever!" - Chris

They take a private jet to Vegas and hop on a helicopter – a new one for the Bachelor franchise: Two death traps in one day. They fly over the Grand Canyon and I would certainly shit my goddamn pants. They have a canyon-side picnic, where she tells him about her dad who JUST died. I mean, come on. Not everyone has to have a tragic story – I get they cast it that way for sympathy and shit, but its so sad. These poor girls, geesh.

The date is totally uneventful – they just sit and make out. He loves her and she seems to like him. Don’t kill me for saying this, but I can actually see them working out. She’s so simple – she probably doesn’t need some big career or you know, purpose…she just wants to be happy, love Chris, run around a farm with some babies, etc. He doesn’t need some brilliant, driven doctor or engineer – he just wants a chick who will give it all up to support him in Iowa. I’m serious, actually. This might work. Plus she’s hot enough for him.

Another Group Date 

This group date is for Kelsey (28 Counselor), Trina (33, Special Ed Teacher), Alissa (24, Flight Attendant), Tracy (29, Teacher), Jillian (25, News Producer), Becca (25, Chiropractic Assistant), Amber (29, Bartender), Ashley S (24, Hairstylist), Juelia (30, Esthetician), Kaitlyn (29, Dance Instructor) and Britt (27, Waitress).

The limos take the girls to some zombie-filled, deserted, warehouse-type place. But it’s outside. The girls have to shoot the zombies with paintball guns, but Ashley is more concerned with when she gets to shoot the real people. She soon figures it out though and her behavior borders on completely sociopathic. She walks right into the zombies and shoots them like Rambo. She shoots at already dead ones, which must be painful for the zombie actors, no? Finally they finish shooting and can get to the drinking portion of the date. Phew.

Everyone gets drunk and Chris takes turns molesting all their faces in private. Ashley wanders off and then comes back to the group. Here’s what she says:

Ashley: Buy your own truth.
Some girl: Excuse me?
Ashley: You know what? Boom.
Britt: Yeah, so we just don’t know what you’re saying.
Ashley: Boom.
Britt: What’s boom?
Ashley: That’s how I feel.

I’m not trying to make a joke – this is actually how the conversation went. So what’s up with her? They do some psych exams before they allow chicks on the show, so if she’s legit crazy, wouldn’t they have known? So is this just drunk? Does she think she’s funny? Chris is talking to the camera and she comes up to him and tells him his leather smells good. He asks how she’s holding up. She replies, “I don’t know what you’re asking me.” He says, “I’m literally just asking you how you feel.” She then says, “You don’t want to lose the whole world. You don’t want to gain it either.” He says, “That’s a fact.” He finally shows a glimmer of hope people! Could there be a sense of humor in there?

He tells Britt he’s been thinking of her. She coos, “You dooooooo?” Yucks. She seems normal, albeit slightly annoying, and it’s bugging me. She’s a waitress from LA on the Bachelor. She can’t be normal. I’ll be so relieved when her crazy comes out. I know it’s in there!

He gives the rose to Kaitlyn, the end.

Cocktail Party 


• Whitney’s voice is mind-bending. I mean…HOW do people listen to that? She seems super nice but oh my god.
• Ashley I. tells the girls she’s a virgin (liar) and Mackenzie is so jealous she can’t even see straight. I’m thinking that saying she’s 15 is now a stretch. 13?
• Ashley makes Chris wish on her belly button ring. Her belly is undoubtedly flat as a pancake and yet this view makes it look like mine – wrinkly with weird gaps and marks. He wishes on it, then RUBS IT, and she fucking attacks his mouth with hers. I am beyond nauseated.

 I mean...

• Jordan is now the resident alcoholic. Wow. She’s cute, too, but MAN does she have a problem.

Rose Ceremony 

Kaitlyn, Mackenzie and Megan already have roses. Other 15 go to:

Britt – hot waitress who got first impression rose.
Ashley I. – fake virgin Kardashian wannabe
Trina – 33. That’s all I know. She’s 33.
Kelsey – sweet and normal, but not as painted and crazy looking as the others.
Samantha – who? Oh a hot fashion designer, with lots of makeup, fake eyelashes, Botox, extensions, etc. In other words, perfect for farm life.
Juelia – The best part of the show, hands down. Jillian thought he said her name, so she goes to get the rose and almost falls on her ass, and then steroid-laughs like a man-gorilla. Wow. Anyway, it was Juelia who was called (Kazakhstan’s Mom)
Amber – Bartender. Not a chance in hell, lady.
Tracy – Seriously, seriously, no clue.
Jillian – penis hider.
Jade – Still too many girls apparently, because I still don’t know her.
Nikki – Nope, sorry, nothin’.
Becca – hot and squeaky. Those were notes from week one. I’ll assume they’re still valid. But I can’t be sure because I also don’t know who this is.
Carly – Karaoke girl from week one. Barely shown this week.
Whitney – voice that will make you jump off a bridge.
Ashley S – truly crazy. And it’s ridiculous that he gave her a rose. But he probably wanted to boot more of the other girls and explaining a dumping to one of them next week would be harder than dumping Ashley who won’t know what country she’s in.

Therefore, the following five chicks get sent home.

Kimberly – well, I’d say that nails that coffin shut.
Alissa – flight attendant? Whatevs.
Jordan – drunk, drunk and more drunk.
Tara – she fishes for love, people.
Tandra – she was hot but that’s all I remember.

Tara doesn’t take it well, saying, “I never seem to be anybody’s number one. I’ll get used to rejection one day. I get it a lot I’m not sure why I’m not used to it yet. It always ends in heartbreak for me.” My god, is there a suicide watch after this show? This is all very extreme. We need an intervention here. Someone get her a counselor and not a fishing pole, please. Poor girl.

See you next week, my peeps.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Bachelor Recap – “I went to school for sports broadcast news but now I sell cadaver tissue”

Three hours is offensive. I was literally angry last night. How dare you, Bachelor Producers, for assuming I would spend three hours of my life on this garbage. I did it, don’t get me wrong, I’m not that strong, but man was I annoyed. I usually like the first episode because it’s fun to actually meet the tramps, but I was over it. Do you think I’m going to have this ornery attitude all season? Oh right, I always do.

Prince Farming is a big dork. He’s relatively hot, I think, but he is not super comfortable socially. The chicks definitely had to keep the conversations going. I’m sure he’s nervous, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Also, are we really supposed to believe he drove his motorcycle to LA from Iowa?

Also you guys? Love is a lot like farming. You plant a seed, it might grow, it might die. I don’t know about the incidence of herpes in corn these days, so it’s not a perfect analogy but whatevs.

OF COURSE Cody is his personal trainer. Meathead. That guy needs to take a week off from the gym– he’s not going to be able to drive or fit in airplane seats much longer.

What the fuck is this? “God I love farming.” 

Let’s talk about this red carpet action. Why oh WHY are we treating these regular people like celebrities? Here are my basic thoughts on this red carpet: Nikki and her tits needed their own limo to get there, Clare needs bangs, I don’t care at all about Deanna and her baby and I truly don’t know how Sean lives with Catherine’s voice every day. But they seemed normal and nice, no? Also, how does Lacy function in the day-to-day world? Does she understand basic principles of life, like driving on the correct side of the road, and how the check stand works at the grocery store? She’s dumb, y’all. Calling her dumb is an insult to dumb people. But we’re not all put on this earth to perform brain surgery, and she makes Marcus’ penis happy, so more power to you guys. I also want to half high-five her, and half punch her in the face for her 80/40 joke. As most of you know, she said that FOR REAL last summer in Bachelor in Paradise, so I assume this was her way of poking fun at herself, but it went over like a fart in church.

OMG we’re still 42 fucking minutes away from the first limo arrival? I’m so sad.

Some of the Bitches 

Let’s meet some girls! My favorite part.

Britt, 27, Waitress, Hollywood, California 
She hikes with full makeup on, yo. She’s also a waitress from LA, which is code for wannabe actress. So she’s in this for drama and fame, guaranteed. Also, the hug thing is gross.

Jillian, 25, News Producer, Washington, DC 
She can dead lift Britt and Chris Harrison simultaneously and she will fucking kick your ass if you cross her. This bitch is terrifying. I get that you looooove working out, but you’re coming off a tad masculine. Ease up on the ‘roids.

Amanda, 24, Ballet Instructor, Lake in the Hills, Illinois 
She is big-eyed, yes, but could the producers have made ANY more fun of it? Good gravy. She’s a ballet teacher and lives with her mom. She’s good there – no need to strive for more, girlfriend. She won’t last the evening.

Whitney, 29, Fertility Nurse, Chicago, Illinois 
Whitney apparently sucks helium for a quick high to ease her depression at making other people’s babies all day long. Also, she was showing some lady her injections and then miraculously that was the same lady who handed her a baby thirty seconds later, thanking her for a fertility-job well done. Nice editing, Producers.

Mackenzie, 21, Dental Assistant, Maple Valley, Washington 
Sooo much material here. First of all, being 21 on this show should be illegal. Come on. I could barely feed myself at age 21, let alone sustain a husband. Also, let’s discuss her son, Kale. Kale? Honestly. This kid will forever be known in this blog as Quinoa. She has more fun playing with Quinoa than her friends. She’s mature, yo.

Alissa, 24, Flight Attendant, Hamilton, New Jersey 
I hate her for agreeing to pretend she was on Bachelor Airlines. Fuck you.

Kelsey, 28, Guidance Counselor, Austin, TX 
This chick had my vote before she even mentioned she had a dead husband. She seems legit and sweet and normal. Her husband has only been gone 16 months, so we’ll see if she’s ready for this shit. At the very least, she needs to get laid. Also, I guarantee this is the first time she’s ever paddle boarded.

Back to the red carpet: Shut the fuck up Neil Lane is there? That guy needs a new gig. Also, Andi needs to stop rubbing Josh’s back. Nikki and her boobs talk about Juan Pablo. Did nobody coach her on this? She sounds ridiculous. She’s coming across like a fifteen-year-old. She got her point across – Juan Pablo likes the spotlight and she’s just a regular old nurse in Kansas City with a massive boob job and a chip on her shoulder. I zoned out the rest.

Finally, the show starts…limos! 

Britt, 27, Waitress, Hollywood, California 
Hugs him for too long and almost cries. My god, she is SUCH an actress.

Whitney, 29, Fertility Nurse, Chicago, Illinois
She’s still squeaky. Geez, these ladies are huggers.

Kelsey, 28, Guidance Counselor, Austin, Texas 
Normal. She’s still a frontrunner for me, people.

Megan, 24, Make-Up Artist, Nashville, Tennessee 
She’s cute, but would make a good rival for Lacy in a trivia competition, if you know what I mean.

Ashley I., 26, Freelance Journalist, Wayne, New Jersey 
She is an interrupter. And let me just throw this out there, so there is no mystery – this chick will never live on a farm in Iowa.

Trina, 33, Special Education Teacher, San Clemente, California 
Thanks Bachelor Producers for making us 30-somethings look like fucking cougars. She steps out of the limo: “Hellooooo Farmer Chris!”

Reegan, 28, Donated Tissue Specialist, Manhattan Beach, California 
Oh Reegan. The ol’ human-heart-in-a-cooler joke. Hilar.

Tara, 26, Sport Fishing Enthusiast, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida 
What the fuck is Sport Fishing Enthusiast? She’s unemployed and in about thirty minutes we’re going to find out why. Spoiler: extreme alcoholism makes it tough to hold down a real job but oddly it’s pretty easy to be a “fishing enthusiast” while hammered. She wears jean shorts that she needs to keep pulling down because her vagina is falling out the side. Don’t worry she changes into a dress to keep it classy! Oh wait, no, she almost vomits on herself.

Amber, 29, Bartender, Chicago, Illinois 
Who? Oh she has a teddy bear, so she’s a fucking asshole too.

Nikki, 26, Former NFL Cheerleader, New York City, New York 
Nikki is a former NFL cheerleader. Do you know what she looks like? A former NFL Cheerleader. And I say this every season – having “former” in front of your occupation just means unemployed, so just fucking write unemployed.

Amanda, 24, Ballet Instructor, Lake in the Hills, Illinois 
She makes him close his eyes so she can be his secret admirer. The gimmicks are getting worse. Stay tuned.

Jillian, 25, News Producer, Washington, DC 
“HELLO I’M JILLIAN”, her steroids scream. Easy, girlfriend (boyfriend).

Mackenzie, 21, Dental Assistant, Maple Valley, Washington 
Jesus she’s young. And terrified. Quinoa, give her strength.

Ashley S., 24, Hairstylist, Brooklyn, New York 
She doesn’t know where to look when she gets out of the limo. Um, is she stoned? She looks like she’s in a trance – what the hell is wrong with her?

Kaitlyn, 29, Dance Instructor, Vancouver, BC 
“You can plow the shit (fuck?) out of my field any day.” WOW, way to play it cool. I say dirty things and swear a lot too, but if I really wanted to impress someone, I don’t think I’d throw out “plow the fuck out of my field” in the first ten seconds. She picks a sparkle off his face and pretend yells, “Who is she?” I spit my drink out. Now THAT is good stuff. Did I mention she’s crazy?

 I know that feels like 100 girls, but it’s only 15. Chris tells Chris to go inside and mingle. The girls are confused why there are only 15 girls. Crazy Ashley hairstylist says, “I’ve watched this show half my life and there’s always 25 girls.” So this actually isn’t an exaggeration. This show debuted in 2002 – that’s 13 years ago. Half of 26. This statistic oddly makes me want to kill myself.

Highlights from the first part of the cocktail party:

• Britt lays on the acting thick. I want to be a wife, a safe haven for you, your shoulder to cry on. OMG people, does nobody else see how bullshit this is? She’s crazy, you’ll see.
• Quote of the night: “I went to school for sports broadcast news but now I sell cadaver tissue.”
• Whitney compares herself to a hog inseminator. Again, thanks Bachelor Producers for making the chicks in their 30’s look normal.

Back to the live audience – those Iowa ladies are very sweet. Very small-town. And not…small.

More Girls 

Samantha, 27, Fashion Designer, Los Angeles, California 
She’s also not living on a farm.

Michelle, 25, Wedding Cake Decorator, Provo, Utah 
No idea.

Juelia, 30, Esthetician, Portland, Oregon 
Nope, no idea. Although she is later quoted as saying, “I’d be DEVASTATED if I didn’t get a rose tonight.” Really? Devastated? Go talk to Kelsey about devastation and get back to me.

Becca, 25, Chiropractic Assistant, San Diego, California 
Here are my notes on Becca: Sparkly, hot, a little squeaky

Tandra, Executive Assistant, 30, Sandy, Utah 
She pulls in on a motorcycle and whips her helmet off all dramatically and I almost want to make love to her. She is preeeeetty.

Alissa, 24, Flight Attendant, Hamilton, New Jersey 

Jordan, 24, Student, Windsor, Colorado 
Gave him whiskey. So that’s fun. And slightly alcoholic.

Nicole, 31, Real Estate Agent, Scottsdale, Arizona 
Over 30? Let’s make her look like a fucking asshole, too! Pig nose ought to do it!

Brittany, 26, WWE Diva-in-Training, Orlando, Florida 
I can’t wait for her to get into it with Jillian.

Carly, 29, Cruise Ship Singer, Arlington, Texas 
Don’t just sing, but be sure to sing while carrying a mini pink karaoke machine. Asshole status? Achieved!

Tracy, 29, Fourth Grade Teacher, Wellington, Florida 
I just realized they are all the goddamn same. Beachy wave hair, lots of makeup.

Bo, 25, Plus Size Model, Carpinteria, California 
Sigh…of course, the big one is the most normal and of course she doesn’t stand a chance. That sucks.

Kimberly, 28, Yoga Instructor, Long Island, New York 
No idea.

Kara, 25, High School Soccer Coach, Brownsville, Kentucky 
“We’d make cute babies.” OK So they’re not just making the 30-somethings look crazy. I hate her.

Jade, 28, Cosmetics Developer, Los Angeles, California 
She’s hot. Not much else.

Please say that’s over.

Cocktail Party Highlights

• Potty Mouth Dance Instructor, Kaitlyn, makes him look ridiculous by teaching him how to break-dance. Where does she teach? 1988?
• Hairstylist Ashley is talking about onions. Then she rips a pomegranate off a tree and I would’ve paid money to watch the cameramen who got to film her. They must have been dying.
• Mackenzie shows Chris how she watercolor paints with Quinoa. That is always a smart move when hitting on guys (?)
• Tara is a raging alcoholic. I mean…raging.
• Chris gives the first impression rose to Britt and they kiss, she squeals. Sigh.

Rose Ceremony 

Britt has the first impression rose. Other 21 roses go to:
  • Kaitlyn – shit plower 
  • Jade – She hates parking in crowded places. Wait, was that her? 
  • Samantha – I got nothing. 
  • Ashley I. – Interrupting Journalist 
  • Tandra – My new girlfriend 
  • Nikki – unemployed ex-cheerleader 
  • Kelsey – Normal and cute, widow 
  • Megan – Not smart make-up artist, but likeable 
  • Alissa – flight attendant…and she will play a flight-attendant-game every time we see her
  • Amber – no clue who this is, but I do know she brought a teddy bear with her so fuck you
  • Juelia – dramatic esthetician from Portland 
  • Becca – hot and squeaky 
  • Trina – cougar, crazy 
  • Mackenzie – Quinoa’s mom 
  • Tracy – A teacher…with beachy waved hair 
  • Tara – Seriously, Chris? She is a DRINKER. Can you imagine her living on a farm with nothing to do? She’d be passed out in the corn. They’d lose track of her for days on end, probably. 
  • Jordan – wait, who? 
  • Jillian – She will hurt you. Be careful. 
  • Whitney – hog-like person inseminator 
  • Carly – cruise ship singer…I’m on the fence 
  • Ashley S. – The craziest bitch of them all 
Therefore, the following eight get sent home:
  • Amanda – ballet teacher…good call, Chris. 
  • Reegan - Tissue seller (who buys it, by the way?) 
  • Nicole - Pig nose girl 
  • Kara – Soccer coach? Yup, I have no idea either. 
  • Kimberly – yoga instructor who WILL NOT take no for an answer, so she goes back to talk to him. We find out what happens next week. Cliffhanger! 
  • Bo – See? Plus size model didn’t make it, despite being hot and normal. And honestly, Jillian would squish him faster than Bo. Bad call, Chris. 
  • Brittany – WWE lady. She seemed nice, but the female wrestler might stick out like a sore thumb in Iowa. 
  • Michelle – not a clue
I admit I was totally sucked into the season previews. It should be a mildly entertaining season, right? I won’t be able to handle three-hour nights, so they better cut that shit out. See you next week, people! Oh and don’t forget to share my new blog address – I want people to be able to find me since I changed places! Thanks friends!