Tuesday, February 24, 2015

The Bachelor Recap – The Armpit Sweat and Virgin Episode

So apparently it’s humid in Bali? Not that you could tell at ALL. Farmer has a pit problem on cold days in Iowa, so put the poor bastard in Bali and that shit was dripping!

We’re down to three girls and it’s the STD suite episode, people (or in Becca’s case, the dry-hump suite). Let’s get started.


Kaitlyn Date 

Why is this straddle greet so popular? I would knock my husband over if I did that to him. It’s a bit graphic too, no?

Kaitlyn and Chris try to be cultural and shit and go inside some…temple? I don’t know. Kaitlin says, “I’m having feelings and those are the feelings I have when I fall in love…” Wouldn’t it have been easier to say, “I’m falling in love?” This entire franchise needs a fucking lesson in editing.

Putting baskets on their heads is spiritual, yo. They do some chanting. Again, I don’t care. They walk around town and Chris introduces her to some dude as “My girlfriend. One of them, anyway.” She replies, “This is my boyfriend and his armpits.”

The monkeys are downright terrifying. Did nobody see Outbreak? (Add Ebola to the list of diseases Chris will acquire in the next 72 hours…make that 48. I forgot about Becca). Back to the monkeys – They are calculating and…organized. They will fucking kill you, in other words. They love pit sweat so they’re all over Chris. Then they pee on him – oh wait, no, that’s more sweat.

monkey nipples

Speaking of sweat, Kaitlin doesn’t look sweaty like Chris – she looks wet. Like she jumped-in-a-pool wet. She then says, “Those monkeys know what they want and they go and get it.” Who knew where this was going AS SOON AS she said it? I did. She follows it up with, “I wish I was a monkey who would just go get what she wants!” This shit makes me angry. New formula, Bachelor people. It’s time.

At dinner, Kaitlyn begins to let her guard down, which is hard for her, you guys. She has a fear of loss. It’s a very rare fear. Most people don’t really fear losing loved ones. Only crazy emotional people actually CARE about loss. So high maintenance, these women.

The fantasy suite card comes and there IS a reason they chose Kaitlyn’s segment to air first: There’s no mystery, people. That shit was going down, no question. Producers knew it, I knew it, Kaitlyn knew it, Chris knew it, even the monkeys knew it. Chris even said, “We deserve this.” They deserve this, people. It’s STRESSFUL in Bali, yo. They each deserve a good pounding. I know one thing: That suite was going to be DIRTY by the time those two were done with it.

Oh and she tells him she loves him before he hits it. The end.


Whitney Date 

 I really like her and I feel a bit bad for her tough life and I think she’s normal-ish and would make a good wife. But the voice. Humidity must make it extra squeaky. But AGAIN, she’s OK in my book. And clearly would make the best fit for Iowa and what he’s looking for.

Straddle greet!

They take a boat ride on Bali’s version of a yacht. It hits the dock and almost doesn’t make it out of the harbor. Once it’s out of the harbor, I think it should get back in STAT. It’s coming apart at the seams, good lord. Balinese death trap. Chris and Whitney think the same thing and dive into the water, but that shit is treacherous too! Even that shitty captain is all, “Don’t jump in!” I’d be super jealous of those Fiji fantasy suite dates if I were her.

Did anyone notice how she’d talk to him and he would just zone out? He doesn’t even listen to her. Maybe he’s trying to hypnotize himself to deal with the voice. To her defense, she needs to do that too, to deal with his lady giggle.

He tries to sell her on Arlington by saying, “There’s nothing to do there. Nothing. You have to go somewhere else.” She’s tempted, Chris…keep it up! He’s worried about her leaving her job. She tries to explain that it’s OK because she’s interested in a new career now: Opening a fucking baby factory. She wants to have babies. Did I mention she wants babies? Babies. Babies.

I’m giving her shit. She actually sounds relatively normal about the whole thing. Lots of girls give up careers to have babies and they’re not assholes, so I’ll leave her alone. But it WILL be hard to go from single, fun chick with career in Chicago to baby maker, essentially alone in Iowa. Yikes.

Fantasy suite card – another no brainer. I bet Whitney gave him a TAD more of a fight than Kaitlyn, but not much more. They did it. No doubt. Oh my god, does she squeak during sex? Must. Get. That. Out. Of. My. Head.


Becca Date 

Shorts. Explain them to me. Is this something 20-ish girls wear these days and I’m old as fuck so I don’t understand?

No straddle greet. Virgins don’t do that, I guess. Did you guys hear she’s a virgin? She’s a virgin. A big one. A virgin. You guys, she’s a virgin. You’ll only hear that 863 times in the next 20 minutes. They play with kids, walk around another temple or something, I don’t care. They chat with some fake Balinese fortuneteller, and ask him questions. He tells them that they need to hump tonight. Oh silly Balinese man. Don’t tell me the producers got to you too!

Chris asks the dude what Becca’s biggest weakness is, which is kind of a dick question, right? He replies, “She does not allow men into her vagine.”

They sit down to chat, but apparently they’re sitting next to a pit of hissing cobras or something. I can’t hear anything. Becca talks about her temptations and her throbbing loins (I made that last part up). Her father is literally in church, as we speak, repenting for her un-pure thoughts.

Fantasy suite card – she says yes and THIS is maybe where I would have broken the virgin news. I don’t think I would have waited until we were in the room and he was sitting next to me with a big boner. But I’ll give her a break – she doesn’t have much experience with boners.

She tells him she’s a virgin and he’s visibly, obviously disappointed. Then he pulls it together and tells her that he respects that and he just wants to see if they’ll work out. He then excuses himself to rub one out in that big bathtub.


Blabbin’ with Harrison 

He blabs on and on to Chris Harrison about his feelings. If I haven’t mentioned it in awhile, Harrison has the gig of the century. Anyway, Whitney’s an easy choice because she’s tolerable and is willing to live in Iowa. Kaitlyn is fun in bed but he doesn’t actually LIKE her that much, which could be a problem. Becca is his favorite, hands-down. She’s also the unattainable one because she’s the only one not fucking throwing herself at him. But he wonders if she’ll want to move to Iowa and if she’ll ever fall in love with him. OK, more just the Iowa thing, actually.


Rose Ceremony 

I bet the Bali people were like, “You know you don’t HAVE to wear those outfits. You guys actually look ridiculous.” And the producers were all, “Shhh! It’s funny.”

Chris’ decision is excruciating. No it’s not. He knows damn well what he wants to do. It might be sad to actually DO IT because Kaitlyn will be pissed considering you stuck it in her less than 24 hours ago. But whatevs.

Chris pulls Becca away and the other girls are STOKED, thinking he is sending her home. Right then I know he’s giving Kaitlyn the boot. Chris and Becca talk about…well, I don’t know. He’s looking for reassurance she’ll move to Iowa, basically. She doesn’t give it, but tells him she really likes him and Iowa isn’t out of the question. So that’s enough?

He gives roses to Whitney…and then Becca. Boom, Kaitlyn not pleased. He walks her out and she holds it together, mostly and Chris says absolutely nothing consoling whatsoever. He explains there are certain things he doesn’t understand right now. Me too, Chris.

Kaitlyn blows her Bachelorette audition in the limo by saying, “That was the most humiliating moment of my entire life.” Kaitlyn, no! Did you not study what you’re supposed to say here? It’s more like, “Chris taught me that I CAN love and that love is out there for me. If ONLY I could find a man who loved ME...”

Next week is Women Tell All and then the finale in two weeks. Yay!

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

The Bachelor Recap - Too exhausted to think of a title

We are down to six chicks and we’re STILL in Iowa…


Becca Date 

We were so busy listening to Britt freak about not getting the last date rose, that I forgot Becca hasn’t even gone on her damn date yet. The producers forgot too…you can almost hear them saying, “Oh fuck! We forgot to air the date with the virgin! Ahhh well, we’ll slot in a couple highlights between minute three and five.”

The whole date takes place in mere minutes. Becca whips on her yellow peplum number and there’s not much to dislike about her. She’s hot, seems very sweet but I fear my daughter’s Barbie doll has more experience with men than she does. I want it to work but I don’t know how often marrying your first boyfriend EVER really works out.

She wants to open up to Chris (figuratively, people) and tells him she’s never been in love. He’s part horrified and part challenged by it. Will she be the first and last person she falls in love with? Hmm.


No reason.......


Rose Ceremony 

Back at the hotel, Britt tells everyone she’ll probably leave tonight but wants to talk to Chris before the rose ceremony. Carly claims this is only because she wants Chris to beg her to stay. Well, yeah…what else could it be? She doesn’t want to talk to him so he’ll punch her? Of course, it’s to see if he wants her to stay.

They head to some mansion and Harrison tells the girls there is no cocktail party before the ceremony. The girls line up, Chris walks in and Britt asks to speak to him. Girls are PISSED. Carly just whines a lot about it but Whitney makes a decent point by saying they’re all vulnerable so why should she be special or something like that…I don’t know, I zoned out. The voice was too much.

Britt apologizes, sort of, and Chris tells her that he doesn’t want a wife who acted like she did and disrespected everyone around her. I’m assuming he still thinks she’s the hottest one and probably likes her the best, but he also knows damn well she ain’t moving to Iowa. She gets the boot and she is CRY CITY. My goodness.

Side note: Who mentioned Carly’s eyebrows? Now I can’t keep my eyes off them. They’re half circles.

Back to the ceremony. Kaitlyn has a rose already – the other ones go to Whitney, Becca and Jade. Carly, who spent a smidge too much time bitching about everyone else, gets the boot. In the limo, she plants the Bachelorette seed by weeping, “Why is it so hard for anyone to want me?”

Just like that we’re down to three chicks! Light! At the end of the tunnel!


Becca Hometown – Shreveport, Louisiana 

My goodness, Becca has fancied it up for her hometown! She is fancy! They start out by making Chris row a shitty little boat in gator-infested waters. Them they head to her house with Becca’s mom, dad, sister, her hubby and one hundred other people. The sister doesn’t waste much time and takes him aside, where she proceeds to throw her sister under the bus. I never understand why parents/sisters feel they should warn the suitor about their kids’/sisters’ big ass issues. So rude.

Sister tells Chris that Becca is inexperienced, doesn’t have man-urges, hates showing affection and is petrified of intimacy. Ahhh yes, way to sell it! Well done, sis!

Mom takes him aside and says that kissing and handholding is special to her precious Becca and it’s unsettling that he’s sticking his penis in multiple other women. She’s got a point. Chris doesn’t know what to say to this…because, well, it’s true.

Sister chats with Becca and asks what will happen in the fantasy suite – maybe they’ll just get sugar doughnuts and she can tell Chris, “Just so you know, this is all the excitement for THIS evening!!” Soooo, here’s my question: virgins can still give blowjobs, right? Just ask Ashley.

Chris takes Becca to the state fair so they can make out on the Ferris wheel. It’s actually cute and she doesn’t seem to be suffering from a lack of man-urges. Hmm.


Whitney Hometown – Chicago 

They immediately head to the fertility clinic where Whitney works. At one point, you can hear a doctor talking on the phone. He says, “We’re so sorry to tell you that the fertilization was unsuccessful. The sperm and egg were good but something went wrong with the transfer. How? Well we can’t be sure what happened, but have you seen The Bachelor? So yeah, they are filming here today and we decided to let Chris do the embryo transfer for you guys. So you can understand why it didn’t work, seeing how he’s never done it before…..yes, I agree it wasn’t a smart decision on our part, but we just did what the producers told us to. Our bad!”

They try to trick Chris into giving them a sperm sample, which is HILARIOUS (?). They take him into the porn room and I had no less than seven people email me/post on Facebook – what if Jade’s Playboy was is that room? That would’ve been amaaaaazing. Also, do they disinfect those magazines?

They head to her family’s house where Chris meets Uncle Johnny and her sister. Sister and Whitney talk and she is NOT pleased. When Whitney warns her that Chris is going to ask for her blessing, she basically says that doesn’t make sense when he’s banging three other chicks. When Whitney’s the last one standing, he can ask her then. There’s nothing bitchy about this, people. Sister is the only one thinking here. Sure, she’s a little wet-blanket-y about it (and douche baggy with her list of questions), but the chick has a point, right?

Back at her place, she tells Chris she recently bought a bottle of wine in Napa. She said she’d only share it with the man she’d spend the rest of her life with. Here’s the best part: HE LETS HER CRACK THAT SHIT OPEN. Christopher….I mean, I guess it would’ve been really awkward if he was like, “Ummm, maybe you shouldn’t open that JUST yet.” But on the other hand, he just let her fuck up her big wine/husband plan! I like her more these days, and think she might be the best fit for him, but I’m not sure he’s super hot for her.


Kaitlyn Hometown – Phoenix 

Why the hell does she bring him to a recording studio? That is so stupid. It’s not like she’s a sound technician and this is what she does for a living. It’s truly random. It must have been on the production list of “events that make Chris look like an asshole”.

She brings Chris to meet her mom, stepdad, dad and stepmom. WOW that would SO not work in my house. Wowzers. I give them credit for pulling this one off, but I bet there was a lot of shit-talking afterwards.

Mom asks Kaitlyn how far does her love go into her heart? Thank god my mom doesn’t say shit like this. There’s not much else to report here. Her family is nice, mom is eccentric. Kaitlyn later drives Chris to a billboard that says, “Kaitlin Hearts Chris” with an actual heart in there. It’s like 7th grade! But with ABC money thrown in. So this is how she tells Chris she loves him. I don’t think this one is going to work out.


Jade Hometown – Gerring, Nebraska 

Lord knows THIS isn’t going to work out. Whoa. Chris is excited about Jade because she has small-town values, which is just a ridiculous tee-up to the big SHE’S BEEN IN PLAYBOY reveal.

She takes Chris to her family’s house and there is one thing I know with 100% certainly. When asked to describe me, not in a million fucking years, would my brother call me a “wild mustang.” Besides the fact that I’m not all that wild, there’s something sexual about that term and it’s HER BROTHER. Dude, gross.

Jade’s Dad, who is like 40, tells Chris that Jade has been “too much” for some of her boyfriends to handle. My god, she IS like a wild horse. It paints a picture, am I right? I can see her bucking up and down in a dining room, breaking plates and shit.

They head to a hotel where Jade FINALLY (fuck, finally), tells Chris she’s been in Playboy. I actually think he’s a bit relieved because she was totally making it sound like she dabbled in porn. Anyway, she makes the interesting decision to SHOW him the photos, which I’m not sure I’m 100% behind. Maybe let him digest the info before you shove it in his face. Of course, I could have told you what would happen. He’d say he was totally fine with this news and he likes her for who she is now. Then he boots her in the rose ceremony. Kind o’ predictable…


Rose Ceremony…Back in Iowa 

So I guess I already told you this…He gives roses to Whitney, Kaitlyn and Becca, which means poor Jade is going home. Ehh, I’m not sure it was 100% because of the Playboy thing, but it didn’t help. Next week, Chris tells the producers, “OK enough with the shitty Iowa backdrop – let’s go to Bali and get me laid.”

Next week is the infamous STD episode, so we’re in the home stretch now.

Monday, February 16, 2015

The Bachelor Recap - Arlington is a bit of an armpit

THREE hours? And two more tonight? This is like waterboarding, Bachelor style. Me = angry. It’s just too much. I know, I know, I subject myself to it, but I’m still allowed to be annoyed.

But how much should you people be forced to read? I’m making this shit quick tonight. We start with an hour of nothingness. First up, Kelsey…


Kelsey 

In a nutshell: This interview was done solely to make her look like an even bigger asshole. Chris would tee up a question “How do you feel about Ashley?” Kelsey would answer, “I still respect her” – and then they’d cut to a clip of Kelsey being a super bitch about Ashley, “I’m here (hands up high) and Ashley’s here (hands down low). I’m not saying it wasn’t amusing, but a total time suck.

Just so you’re up to speed on the rest of the Kelsey segment: She had no idea she was controversial, she did not fake the panic attack and she cut her hair so it’s less football-helmet-like.


Chris 

Chris sits with Chris and nothing is said. Harrison says things like, “What about the two-on-one date?” and Chris says, “That was emotional”. It’s stupid. Here are the highlights from the 45 minutes of Chris/Chris time:

-He sent both Ashley and Kelsey home because he had zero interest in them. That’s why they were both on that date in the first place. He didn’t give a shit who made it – they were both disposable. After he was ON the date, he hated them both so much he gave them both the boot (admittedly, this is more my interpretation, but I’m pretty confident its accurate)
-Ashley S. was legitimately crazy. She even scared the crew.
-There was a quick recap on this season’s drunks, Tara and Jordan
-Chris dishes on just how turned-off he was by Jillian and her penis
-Juelia recap: Both Chris and Chris express how great she was. I am expressing how insane her eyelashes are.
 -Jimmy Kimmel recap, Sex guru recap, and apparently Becca and Chris almost died when their donkey Sherpa went crazy on their date.


Andi needs a fucking Kleenex 

Andi is bawling right out of the gate and doesn’t stop sobbing for the entire interview. Why don’t they give her a Kleenex? I don’t get it.

She attempts to explain what went wrong with her relationship with Josh. I don’t really know what happened, but I can guess (I’m good at that). They’re both super stubborn, strong personalities (aka annoying) and found out that their love cannot live on sex alone. Chris Harrison likes to be supportive and kind and then poke the sleeping bear a little…For example, he says quietly, “We’re so sorry, you were so in love…….so how did you lose that?”

Andi says they loved each other but didn’t better each other. There was no calming force between them and they didn’t support each other. So yeah, that doesn’t sound good. She calls Josh her first love, her first heartbreak and the biggest failure in her life (JEN, do not cry, do NOT…) She feels like she let everyone down. Chris ends it with, “There’s nothing we can say, no magic words, sooooo I guess that’s it. Bye.”

That’s enough, let’s move on.


Onto the Next Fucking Two Hours. My God. 

We’re down to seven girls and we’re still in Deadwood. They head to the cocktail party, where oddly Chris sits down with Megan and decides to get rid of her. Say what? Megan tells him that she feels he doesn’t really know her, and the other relationships are moving forward and they are not. So Chris sends her home and he’s sad, she’s sad, and I’m confused. I didn’t see that one coming, really, and it happened in less than 30 seconds. In the limo she talks about how she respects his honesty and feels they could’ve fallen in love under different circumstances, but it didn’t work out. Hold the phone did she get smart??!

Chris tells Harrison that he doesn’t want to send anyone else home, so they cancel the rose ceremony and go to Iowa. The girls act fake excited and run into Chris’ arms. Easy ladies.


Jade Date 

Jade is the lucky one (?) who gets to sit in the back of an Escalade for three hours to trek to Arlington. Jade is delusional, saying things like, “It sounds romantic, small town life.” Why is she acting like she doesn’t know small town life? Her bio on the Playboy website says she was raised on a farm. That’s right – I googled it and I’m not ashamed.

He gives her a tour of his house which she claims is “Bachelor-like” and needs a “tweak”. By “tweak” she means, it needs to be torn down and rebuilt…in Los Angeles.

He walks her around his farm where he explains Land is one of his passions (red flag, red flag) Then Chris introduces Jade to some cows and says, “We can name one Jade.” To which she giggles nervously, “hahahahhaa NO. NO REALLY, NO.”

Arlington sucks. I’m sure it’s a nice place to raise a family, I guess? But there is no restaurant and no bar. There are no actual businesses. Where does one go to buy groceries? Do you HAVE to eat only things you can get on your own farm? What about toilet paper? Do you have to deliver your baby in the barn? These are the things running through my head. Arlington looks PAINFUL. Jade totally agrees but she’s trying really hard to convince herself otherwise. They head to the high school football game, which is where everyone in the town is, of course, including his sweet parents. At halftime, most of the football team can’t rest because they have to play in the halftime show with the school band.

Chris and Jade head inside the high school so Chris can reminisce about his nerdy high school days. He takes great pleasure in feeling up the Playboy model against his old locker.

They both claim the night was “amazing”. The crowd cheers while they make out on the football field. His mom is ringing a cowbell while her son feels Jade up. This town is either super great or totally fucked up.


Whitney Date 

The best part of the Whitney date is the fact she keeps talking about how comfortable she feels and how “at-home” Des Moines is. Did someone tell her that Chris doesn’t actually live in Des Moines? Girlfriend, that city looks like Manhattan compared to Arlington.

They spend the day walking around Des Moines kissing and taking pictures of themselves. Whitney claims, “This is my first date in my new hometown.” Ummm, someone please let her know?

Meanwhile…the girls decide to road trip to Arlington since they’re super bored in a hotel room in Des Moines. Except for Jade who says, “Fuck that, I just made that three hour trip yesterday and I ain’t going back to that hellhole. EVER.”

So Carly, Kaitlyn, Britt and Becca take a drive there and are NOT pleased when they get there. Carly does the best job pretending she’s happy…She looks inside the church window and sees a picture of Jesus that’s the EXACT SAME ONE her grandmother has! It’s a sign! They’re meant to be! Soooo, Carly, I know that picture and it’s the same one we ALL had. There’s not a lot of variety in Jesus portraits, you know? Its not like Jesus has lots of clothes and there are pictures of him out clubbing in Vegas and stuff. There’s ONE picture of Jesus. One.

Back to Whitney – they check out their photos and her voice is much less annoying now. Oh wait, no. No, it’s not.

“I have a sense of peace here, “ says Whitney. You won’t BE here. Do you see a farm? My god.

They head to a nice restaurant/bar place and three dudes come up to Chris. She thinks they’re lowly fans and treats them like shit. She finds out they’re friends of his and she quickly changes her tune, jumps up and squeals and hugs them. Oh Whitney. She later tells Chris about her mom’s tragic death and she doesn’t know her dad. Chris must wonder why they cast girls with such tragic stories. But it makes me like her more. She seems nice and normal, but desperate for a family (understandably so), so it’s a bit sad.

Some Bachelor intern painted one of their photographs on a wall in Des Moines and Whitney is a LOT over the top about it. It was the most amazing moment, the most perfect day and she’s never felt more special. He should marry her – she’s easy to please. Geez.

Back at the hotel, Jade confides in Carly about her previous Playboy experience. The most disturbing part is the fact that Jade’s DAD found out about it when his coworkers told him. So much wrong with this. Those co-workers are smarmy. Second, the thought of my DAD seeing me in PLAYBOY is enough to make me lose my lunch. Let’s move on.


Group Date 

The group date is for Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn. They go ice-skating and Chris falls a lot. It’s not interesting. Britt takes Chris outside for some chitchat time and she tells him about their road trip and how much she LOOOOOVED Arlington. Carly is inside super pissed off because Britt told HER she could never live there. So Carly is going to tattle on Britt. It’s the same shit every season, people.

Carly tells Chris Britt hates Arlington and Chris flinches. It’s pretty clear Britt is his favorite and she just squashed his dreams. But seriously, deep down inside, he must KNOW she wouldn’t be happy there, right? I mean, come on.

Later, they head to cocktails in a shitty antique shop. Chris takes Britt aside to talk to her about her lies. He pusses out and she blabs on and on about how she can picture herself in Arlington. To her defense, I think Kaitlyn actually nails it when she says she thinks Britt doesn’t know what she wants. I don’t know if Britt is lying as much as they play it off – I think she’s a confused chick. She even admits she reinvents herself every few years. If you were happy, why would you need to reinvent yourself? I don’t know. I’m no therapist, but it seems like she’s lost and trying to convince herself it would be a good thing for her. She’s annoying, yes, especially when she’s all fucking dramatic about needing to be a mom, blaaaaah. But I’m not sure she’s as conniving as they’re trying to make her out to be.

Kaitlyn tells him she’s frustrated and panicked so he gives her the rose. I just can’t see these two together? But I like her. And he says he’s the luckiest guy in the world when he’s with her? Wow. She seems the most normal at this point, and fun. But something is off…

Kaitlyn comes back to Carly and Britt with the rose in her hand, and Britt is PISSED. Again, they play this off as a major meltdown, but I don’t think it’s that bad. She DOES seem to be missing a major part of this show though – that they are, in fact, OTHER women there. She says she wants her husband to put her as number one. Riiiiiight, well, yes, if you’re his wife, you will be. But guess what? You’re not his wife and he’s dating five other chicks right now. Chris is annoyed and says he doesn’t know what she wants him to say, so goodnight. I love that Chris didn’t fucker pander to her shit.

"ohhhhhhh shit."

Britt then cries a lot to the camera, and Carly is convinced she’s leaving or Chris will give her the boot, but I’m pretty sure neither of these things will happen. Fake drama, people. That was three hours and I’m exhausted. Two more hours tonight? He better boot two chicks tonight or I’m boycotting.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

The Bachelor Recap - Bitches be crazy. OK mostly just Kelsey.

We start with Kelsey on the floor, crying like the fakest little bitch of all time. My goodness that was harsh! I don’t know much about panic attacks but from the descriptions I’ve heard, I don’t think one is capable of truly realizing what’s going on so the most suspect part of this is her whine: “I think I’m having a paaaanic attack…”

She clearly freaked out and needed attention. It was a ploy. This isn’t rocket science, people. I mean, MEGAN figured it out. My favorite part of all this was the bouncy, mystery music being played while she was crying on the floor.


No really, who is this? 


Rose Ceremony 

Carly, Britt and Whitney already have roses. The rest go to:

Jade: quiet, demure…stripper?
Kaitlyn: Sailor mouth and fun…but it ain’t happening
Megan: sooooooo dumb. Painful, actually. But she’s hot and nice. And not crazy, which gives you a major leg-up on this show.
Becca: Hot, sweet, normal virgin. If Chris doesn’t freak out at the virgin thing, this chick could be the Future Mrs. Farming.
Ashley: SOSOSOSOSO much makeup. It’s truly disgusting. And don’t get me started on the eyelashes.
Kelsey: Widow. Did she mention she’s a widow? Victim of bad editing. Oh wait no, turns out she’d be pretty lame with GOOD editing.

Therefore, he sends Samantha and Mackenzie home. This is not a shock. Samantha forgot to speak for five weeks and Quinoa’s mom was 15 so that’s, you know…illegal.


Deadwood 

The whole gang now has to act excited that they’ve been shipped to Deadwood. Chris sells it to us by saying, “This was where Calamity Jane…uh, did her business.” He doesn’t know what she did. Just sayin’. Also they only show people talking in the hotel room REALLY close up or out on the balcony because…well, because it’s a Holiday Inn in Deadwood, South Dakota.


Becca Date 

I dig her. She seems sweet and normal and nice. She MIGHT be as boring as a sidewalk because we just don’t see much of her, but I actually don’t think so. She’s not giving up the vagine, so that must mean she’s had to get by on her personality for 25 years. Lord, that sounds exhausting! Whoring is so much easier.

Anyway, they ride horses, they shoot guns and they sit for a long time by the fire laughing. A lot. His laugh is tough, people. Tough to be married to that. Can you imagine if Chris marries Whitney? They’ll HAVE to live on a farm because no close neighbor could put up with that.

Back at the house, the girls decide to confront Kelsey about what a big bitch she is. I’m not sure why…It won’t change her, so it’s mostly just because they hate her and want to yell at her. I get that. But at the same time it seems a little counterproductive. To what? I don’t know. Let’s move on.

Wait! Before we move on, let’s just quote Kelsey. After the girls tell her she sucks, Kelsey says to the camera, “I get it. I’m blessed with eloquence, and I use big words…” Soooo there’s been a lot of internet chatter about how she’s totally been edited horribly and she’s actually a nice, normal person. It’s possible…She might just be one of those super annoying chicks who SOUNDS annoying when she talks, is overly “prissy” and not super comfortable socially, and they’re just playing her up to be worse …HOWEVER, if the words, “I’ve been blessed with eloquence” come out of your mouth, you’re an asshole. End of story. Editing? Reality? I don’t know. But I know she sucks at least a little because she said that.

Back on the Becca date…tonight was a fantastic date because Becca is fantastic. You know what’s NOT fantastic? His vocabulary.


Group Date 

The group date is for Jade, Carly, Britt, Kaitlyn, Megan and Whitney. They head to a bar? An outdoor saloon? I don’t know. And Big & Rich are there. The girls are forced to write songs and sing them. God, I love the producer’s drive to make these girls as uncomfortable as possible. Anyway, Jade comments that it’s hard for her to do something she’s not good at. Think about that sentence for a second. That’s like saying, I’m cold when it’s cold.

Aaaaaand Jade and Big (maybe it’s Rich? Don’t care), run through the street and I’m under the couch. That is way more embarrassing than any song you’ll have to sing. Chris starts off this shit show and god he’s awful. Britt was bad but not nearly as bad as it could’ve been. Whitney? Omg omg omg omg turn it off. Megan? Again, not shockingly horrible. Kaitlyn swears. Carly sounds good but she sings TO HIM, which is literally on my list of the top ten things I would hate to be a part of in my lifetime. I NEVER want to sing to anyone or worse – have anyone sing to me. JESUS I wiggle thinking about. Just add some face grabbing, a squirrel and Jada Pinkett Smith to the equation and it’s truly my worst nightmare.

At the after-party, we see the EXACT SAME sequence of events happen as it has at every single cocktail party ever thrown on the Bachelor franchise. The girls sit on a couch while Chris takes turns face molesting each one in private. The girls on the couch then bitch about the girl who is gone with Chris. Then a girl panics that she’s not special and needs reassurance. She talks to Chris, makes out and then she feels wonderful again. Then he gives the rose to someone else and everyone wants to die again.

Although I have to admit, I’d be EXTRA pissed if I was on this group date and he runs off with Britt for AN HOUR to a fucking concert? Good lord, way to make these chicks feel like the smallest humans ever. For our entertainment. God I love this show. Oh no, they’re all crying in the shitter.


Two on One Date 

This is good shit, people. First of all, the two girls on this date, Ashley and Kelsey, are the worst, right? Second, they hate each other. Third, they’re SO different. Fourth, Chris hates them both. Fifth, ASHLEY’S EYELASHES are insane. I mean, enough. How can she not see this? She looks so bad – it’s too much, people. Someone write her a note and let her know.

They take a helicopter ride past Mt. Rushmore, which sounds just as horrendous as being sung to. Also, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Helicopters don’t make sense – logically they should crash. It makes no sense. Deathtraps. Ohhhhhh maybe that’s why they use them all the time?!?! Lightbulb!

The helicopter lands in the middle of nowhere, but conveniently, there’s a bed there. Huh. They pour alcohol, cheers, drink, aaaaand……..crickets.

Ashley and Chris have some one on one time and truly, it’s so fucking gross. Am I wrong? PEOPLE, she’s so graphic! Easy, virgin. Don’t hump his tongue with your mouth. My god. She stops this mouth porn to tell Chris how much everyone hates Kelsey.

He has alone time with Kelsey and she says it’s time for him to decide if she’s the kind of wife he wants. Ummmm, OR MAYBE it’s time he decides if he can fall in love with you? Just a thought. He calls Kelsey out on the fact she sucks and everyone hates her. She cries and says, “I’d hate for you to let go of potential with us because of girl talk.” He responds, “No, nope, no worries there. There’s totally no potential. Even without the girl talk.”

Kelsey goes back to the desert bed where Ashley is sitting. She gives Ashley death stares. Ashley ignores her. What feels like 40 minutes later…Kelsey says, “I know what you did.” And I’m honestly scared for a second. This bitch will cut you. But then Ashley wins this part…she says quietly and calmly, “You think I’m not as smart as you because I don’t use big words. That’s hilarious.” OMG I got chills, like Ashley is actually some total evil genius. Buuuut then she fucks it up and gets all fast and giggly and runs away and cries on a rock and shit. Girls!

She yells at Chris, “WHY DID YOU TELL HER?” Which is never a GREAT tactic when you’re trying to trick a man into thinking you’re awesome. He finally can’t take it anymore and sends her ass home. Here’s how that conversation went:

Chris: I think I’m sending you home. We’re just in different places in our lives and you wouldn’t be happy living my farm lifestyle.
 Ashley: YOU THINK BRITT FITS THAT LIFESTYLE MORE THAN ME?” (the girl has a point)
Chris: Well no, her makeup and shit looks just as ridiculous as yours but she’s hotter and I’ve already been down her pants a little bit.
Ashley: You can go down my pants! Right now! Go! But not too far, I’m a virgin. OK You can stick just the tip in.
Chris: Your eyelashes are fucking bananas, you know that, right?
Ashley: They’re amazeballs, just like my virginity. And hair extensions.
Chris: You know they don’t have many eyelash extender salons in Iowa, right?
Ashley: Come again?
Chris: You can go now.
Ashley: OK Bye…………(walks away)…….(comes back)….ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Chris: Ummm….
Ashley: (crying) I’m so sorry. (hugs)…..FUCK You! I’m OUTTA HERE!

It’s very confusing.

Chris then tells Kelsey he just sent Ashley home, which is AWEEEESOME because then she gets all overly confident and feely. He says it was sad, she replies, “Well, it’s a loss.” Umm, easy counselor.

He then tells Kelsey that she’s great and she deserves someone who is 110% into her. He then says, “And I’m not 110%...I’m more like 7%. So I’m just going to leave now.”


"So I just wait here then?” 

The girls pop champagne and toast when creepy producer lady comes to take away Kelsey’s suitcase. Also, can’t they knock?

Oh fuck next week is Sunday AND Monday? I hate it when they do that. Four hours of this shit in two nights is dangerous to one’s mental health. I’m going to have to do some Sudoku on Monday to offset the loss of brain matter.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

GUEST POST! One more!

http://fourmonthsinfrance.blogspot.fr/2015/02/ashley-i-cant-even.html?m=1


Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Guest posts!

OK I posted all 11 recaps that I received - thank you so much for sending them! If I missed yours, email it to jenfblogger@gmail.com

If you wanted to include a blog address or anything and I missed it - again, shoot me a quick email!

PS - I had a bunch of chatter on my facebook page this week which was cracking me up. If anyone wanted those posted as a guest post, shoot me an email with whatever you wanted to say.

In a nutshell? Send me an email! Send it to: jenfblogger@gmail.com

LOVE YOU ALL!

GUEST POST 11: By Cristen: The Battle of the "Stories":

This week, while in the newest of the Mexicos, the ladies decide they must be as fake as possible to compete for the wildest story to win the love of this poor sap of a man.

Carly gets the first one-on-one and although she is the only genuine girl there, even she has a story of being unloved and untouched by a previous boyfriend (um how long before you broke up with the jerk and let him go find the man he will share the rest of his life with?). Carly and Chris' date was THE most #underthecouch date, to date. I wanted to punch the guru woman and flick Carly and Chris in the noses for accepting this threesome.

The group date with everyone but Carly and Britt was on a raging alligator-infested river (thanks again Megan) and after some cold, wet fun we learned Jade has a "story" about her cold-hands-and-feet condition. Sigh. Otherwise I barely watched this scene.

Britt's date gets started in the dark with her full-on makeup face and white teeth two inches from Chris' face at 4am. One totally boring hot air balloon and a lot of PDA later and Britt and Chris shack up in his room. She then proceeds back to the other girls with a shit-eating smile, much less makeup, and FF hair, and relays to them the whole day, finishing with their "nap" (Kelsey's air quotes).   I wondered if they could smell him on her.

While waiting for their next round of booze before the cocktail party, prissy Kelsey decides to pop in on Chris. I'm hoping he remembers her only as the girl from the camp out who had a disgusted look on her face the whole time. She shares "her story" with Chris about her deceased husband who's full name she tells us, which I thought was odd to reveal and of course I went to look him up since I'm from Austin too. He was a real guy and they seemed to be a real couple. Didn't see a local obit but did see a mugshot. (He was a musician and this is Austin so this didn't surprise me) Chris listened and I thought his drenched pit stains revealed he had no idea what to do with this information. She finished and they hugged which she awkwardly turned into a mug-fest. I believe Chris was fairly cheesed-out by this after her gushing about her perfect love story only minutes before. Her later camera interview was ridunkilous as she announced this is now The Bachelorette Kelsey Show.

So her smug face gets back to the pre-cocktail cocktail party and everyone but Britt is suspicious as Kelsey acts like she should go ahead and visit Neil Lane NOW.

Chris comes in to address them and has a panic attack and bolts, leaving all the normal girls (who IS the black-haired one who never speaks?) perplexed and Kelsey first thoughtful with pity for those girls leaving her Show, then for no reason suddenly panicking herself and  jetting to the hallway where she either wipes out and falls or collapses with the realization that Chris now feels he can't live up to the dead husband and is going to end her reign as the Show's self-labeled Star.

TO BE CONTINUED...

GUEST POST 10: Kelly H.

 There were good images here, but my blog didn't like them...SORRY!

This week the Bachelor gang is going to Santa Fe New Mexico. In a private interview Megan talks about the beach resort she thinks they will be at and sombreros and she is so excited because she has never been out of country...where in the world do they find these dimwits?!

Carly gets the first 1 on 1 . They go to this house where a woman is  mediating by a pool ( Turns out she is a "love guru") they do mediation exercises and look like assholes . Carly has to blindfold Chris and feel him up in front of this guru. She has to run food all over him too and this is the result:

Next they have to undress each other in front of Miss Guru and the camera crew. I feel so bad for Carly -this is awkward city and she does not want to be here. I don't want to even watch. (I am under my couch per se) They decide not to finish undressing each other because it's so uncomfortable and end with a kiss or 20. Later they go to a lodge and sit by a fire and talk. I like this chick. And she is pretty inside and out. Chris feels the same.

Back at hotel Kelsey, Becca and Ashley I are talking about Kelsey's dead husband . Ashley I voices concerns to the camera making it sound like she doubts Kelsey story. This makes me think Ashley I is a bitch.

Group date goes to Jade , Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, McKenzie, Becca, Samantha (who is this?) Ashley and Kelsey. They are going white water rafting. Megan is scared of alligators and dead bodies..

"Cisco" comes to give them a safety  lesson. He tells them don't stand up in the raft in deep fast water or else they will die a horrible painful death. Sounds like a great time! Ashley I is probably just scared her eyelashes will get messed up. Jade goes overboard. Chris saves her but apparently she has some freak condition where she gets hypothermia in normal temps. Chris massages her feet to warm them up. The other checks are jealous blah blah blah. This is boring and nothing else happens. Later at the hotel the chicks are in a lobby waiting for Chris. As he is walking out , here comes Jordan (who is the drunk girl who was sent home week 2 ) She has driven from Colorado to ask for a second chance. They talk and then he walks into the lions den with her on his arm. (See below for the chicks reactions)

He spends the evening talking to the women about Jordan instead of their own relationships and ultimately tells Jordan to go home. Whitney gets the rose . The girls are all sad and jealous. Ashley I is losing it.

Meanwhile back at the hotel room Britt and Carly are talking about how Britt does not shower or wash her hair. She gets the date card and it says "sky's the limit".  She is so happy and then she starts to cry because she is terrified of heights. Very dramatic. Chris sneaks in the girls room at 4:30 AM to wake up Britt-  she looks like she has full make up on. This is actually confirmed by Carly that Britt actually puts on her makeup before she goes to bed just in case ..what the hell... They show up at the site where the hot air balloon is waiting to take them and all of a sudden Britt is jumping up-and-down like a six-year-old schoolgirl and is no longer scared of heights. I am perplexed. They go back to his hotel room afterwards where they roll around in the bed .He closes the doors (later Britt tells the other women that they took a "nap" wink wink) He gives her the Rose because she gave him the vagine and later she goes back and tells all the other girls. They are all pissed. This prompts Kelsey to sneak out to his hotel room to tell him about her dead husband. They make out and I am starting to think she's a little CrayCray  because she tells the camera that her story "is amazing; tragic but amazing" and that she "loves her story" . Seriously she is creeping me out. Also she is confident she's getting a rose tonight.

Flash forward to the cocktail party.  Chris comes in and is all choked up and drops the bomb that he and Kelsey had a serious conversation earlier. The girls are all pissed instantly because they are thinking how the hell did Kelsey get alone time with Chris?  He can't even speak and leaves. Chris Harrison talks to him and comes back and announces that Prince Farming has made up his mind and does not want a cocktail party. The girls freak out and Kelsey says a bunch of weird things and gets up to go off camera. Next thing everyone hears is her crying dramatically and the camera shows her lying on the floor with a medic over her...To be continued....

GUEST POST 9: By Robbin: Coming soon...Austin DA to exhume husband's body.

Oh Jenn, you would have loved this episode…so much to work with.

We set back in with the mute kissing Bachelor and his harem of crazies as we head, according to Megan, to the country of New Mexico.  Really, I don’t think hitting her head against the walls of Chris’ bungalow was the cause.  Did he know that they cast mentally challenged women on the show?  Of course, this is a TV show. I almost forgot.   

We should have known that we were going to be squirming and, as you say, jumping under the couch for this date when they handed out the “Let’s Come Together” date card for Chris and Carly.   To sum it up, the look on her face tells it all…this date was essentially the bunging jumping off the bridge without  the bridge or the bungee….just having to stare at his lipless sphincter, I mean his mouth, with the chocolate sh*t all around it while a sx guru laughs in the background and pretend to have the hots for Farmer Bachelor was, I agree, Carly, TERRIFYING!!!!  NO, we do not want him on top of us either…GROSS!

Later we do gain some insight into why he does not talk.  I believe on his date with Carly, where they actually expect there to be a two way conversation and some semblance of a fully developed Bachelor, he sputters, and I could be making this up, that he comes from a farm and we don’t have to speak just plow so he hasn’t really been good at relationships.   Just keep plowing.   But in the end, you know what I’m thinking and the producers are thinking…Carly for Bachelorette!  She got all the lines down.  From Cinderella to hot dating Princess.  Watch for this make-over.

We then get the break away to start opening the can of worms that is Kelsey.  Even Ashley I is wondering…how does this woman not even remember what her husband died of?  Oh,yeah says Kelsey all nonchalant… what did they come up with, ha ha cackle, congestive heart failure that’s what those coroners, thought it was.  Right, after he drank the home made orange juice I squeeeeeeeezed just for him.  Chill.   More on that later. Much more.

We go off to the next usual group date as The Farmer says that he has chosen to take the girls white water rafting because rafting down the river along the corn fields of Iowa is a big part of this life.   Ok, this is boring date so let’s move on to more catty action.   The after party.  Jordan has threatened the Producers that if they don’t let her redeem herself on national tv, she will sue them for plying her with liquor and so she gets to come back and act all innocent.   Ashley and her caboose jump onto the sofa next to Chris all decked out in her Jersey Shore clubbing wear to announce with a straight face…that Jordan is a party girl and I’m NOT.  Once again Farmer Chris blinks and I can only assume he is thinking and perhaps saying in this head “ ‘Huh’  is this opposite day?...like my 6 year old daughter.   I didn’t see that coming “.  One more thing, no one mentioned last week, as Chris confirms his incestuous longings when he gives the rose to Whitney the spitting image of his sister who lives in Ireland.  Come on, I couldn’t keep it straight if the camera was panning to Whitney in the background or his sister.   Perhaps it’s the transference of his longing..she lives far away?  The sparse population of the cornfields?

Now, do I care about Britt and her 15 minute commercial of fame? No.   All I have to say is ewww, did his fingers smell after that nap.  And two, how is her hair so glossy if she never showers?  hmmm

Finally, “I Love my Story”.  Glenn Close has got nothing on her.   This is the scariest contestant EVER. Winner Winner.  I am predicting that the DA in Austin will be exhuming her husband’s body any day now.  If I were his parents, I’d be making some calls.  And her third person black widow speech.  Come on, how does he kiss her?  I’d be holding up a cross sign and pushing the producers in front of me for protection.   Call the Police…not the EMT.  This girl is crazy.   And not to mention, such a catty b+tch. 

GUEST POST 8: Karli S.

Anyways, off to Santa Fe!

Megan thought Santa Fe was out of the country and on the beach so that was a good start. I felt a twinge of embarrassment for my fellow female. Way to represent Megan!

Carly, my present favorite, and not at all because we share the same first name, gets the first 1-1 date. They meet with a love guru named Tziporah Kingsbury. Chris has "never been to a love guru before" (shocking since he lives in Iowa) and admits that if the love guru can't bring out their love then no one can. That's always a good relationship philosophy. It turns out that Tzipork-me is a sex guru. And Chris pretends that he has no idea. Classic. They both act like they hate the weird sexual date but secretly they love it. Seriously though, good for Carly for putting a stop to the awkward undressing scene. The entire segment was uncomfortable to watch and I was so thankful when they transitioned to Kelsey and Ashley I. (Said Nobody Ever).

Anyways, Ashley I., Kelsey and Mackenzie are talking about Kelsey's past. Ashley is judging Kelsey because it's been 5 weeks and she hasn't told everyone that she has a dead husband. Everyone in the world knows that Ashley I. is a virgin times 1,000 so naturally everyone needs to readily share their deepest, darkest secrets. That's the last thing anyone needs… comforting and then off-line judging from Ashley (now that she's the only Ashley left, can we drop the "I"?). Kelsey is starting to get on my nerves but at least she was guilty of under-sharing. Carly and Chris finish their date off with talking and kissing. And more talking. And more kissing. At least there was some talking.

On the group date is Ashley (yippee), Megan, Kelsey, Whitney, Jade, Becca, Mackenzie, Samantha and Kaitlyn. They go white-water rafting and Jade gets a cramp (because of course, she has some bizarre medical condition). So Chris rubs her down and all the girls get jealous. But especially Kelsey. How did she so quickly become so lame?

Surprise, Jordan is back. Yipppppeeeeeee, one of the drunks is back!!! Don't they just make the show better!!?? But she's cute, so why not, right? Oh yeah and she is Ashley's "least favorite person in the house" and they are "fundamentally different people." So for that reason alone, I think Jordan is probably cool as shit.

Jordan's presence causes a frenzy in the house. Things are FINALLY tense. CAT FIGHTS! I have been waiting all season for this lame female bickering. It's good TV. Especially because Ashley is the most pissed of everyone. It makes me happy to see her suffer. But Chris decides that his little penis can't take the anxiety or confrontation that Jordan is causing the rest of the girls. So, THAT was fun and totally worth the 15 minutes of air time.

Whitney gets the rose. Not sure why. Maybe she was the least lame on this lame date. But then I realized it's probably because Ashley hates her and thinks she's fake. Best line of the season thus far courtesy of Ashley: "I just see Chris with someone more genuine." BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Britt gets the next 1-1 date. When he wakes her up at 4 AM, she looks fantastic despite not showering "for weeks". Apparently she puts on make-up before she goes to bed. Which can only mean one thing… she gets A LOT of booty calls. And come on- HELLO morning breathe? Let's suck face right after I open my eyes? Eeewwwwwwwwwwwww. Then she puts on dirty socks. Stay classy Britt.

Anyways, Chris and Britt go for a hot air balloon ride and Britt overcomes her fear of heights within seconds, probably because she is so utterly in love. With the guy who couldn't form a complete sentence last week when she confronted him. I wish I could have such short-term memory in my relationships. But back to the date! And Britt. Who so sluttishly reminds us, “the date starts in bed and ends in bed."

Now shit people, where to begin with Kelsey? Is it possible that she is crazier than Ashely S.? After hearing about Britt's slutty 2-hour “nap” with the Farmer, she decides to sneak away to his room. IT'S FINALLY TIME TO TELL HER STORY. YAY!! So much for under-sharing. (Flash back to the beginning scene with Ashley I... Her first husband died suddenly of, what's it called? Um, I can't think of the name. The love of my life died a year and a half ago and I can't remember how. Oh yeah, it was..... congenital heart failure- the way she was grasping, I kept waiting for something more fancy). Shame on me- I'm going to hell. Back to the present- Kelsey refers to her story as "AMAZING". She "LOVES her story" and again, it's "AMAZING"!!!! Then she sucks face with Chris and his HUGE pit stains (no, not penis). Another brutal scene. But I'm seriously scared of Kelsey. I think that's why Chris was sweating so bad during their brief rendezvous.

On to the cocktail PARTY. WHOOP! Just kidding. Chris cancels the cocktail party because Kelsey's husband died. AND. Shit. Just. Got. REAL. People. Then Kelsey has a panic attack. I mean, the whole thing felt so fake... but if the girl is seriously and legitimately having a panic attack, is it necessary to make such a spectacle of it on national TV? Poor girl. Okay I'm starting to feel bad for her. Why do they have to pick such sad stories for this show and then turn them against these ladies in such dramatic fashion. Would it really be that boring to have 30 "normal" girls on the show?? Okay maybe 1-2 crazy bitches would be fun but seriously, I want ABC to try this! Next Bachelor season, let’s pick a non-man-whore as Bachelor, 28 normal chicks with boring histories and decent personalities. And because I’m greedy, they can’t wear wake-up and they have to be at least a size 6. And then of course, 2 crazy biatches. That’s not too much to ask is it? No wonder none of these relationships ever work out…

At least once per season, we get thrown the dramatic “TO BE CONTINUED”… so here it was in week 5. I’m. On. The. Edge. Of. My. Seat. How. Will. I. Function. For. The. Next. Week? More or less, you didn’t miss anything Jen. My boyfriend reluctantly watches The Bachelor with me every week, and he couldn’t have been less interested last night. So, basically, it was a shatty episode. And even worse is that I have to see Ashley’s crack-face for another week. Boooooooooooooooooooo.

Sorry for my lame attempt at being your guest blog. I thought it would be fun. But I’ll be glad when you are back next week!

GUEST POST 7: By Samantha M.

"Hey Hey Hey… to finding love it Santa Fe – wow the producers really found a winner with that one. This episode was full of awkward moments that made me want to crawl under my couch cushion AND plug my ears. I just couldn’t take it!!!!! But more of that in a minute –

Can we talk about how one of two things is true – either one of these girls cannot leave the country for some reason, or the show is totally skimping this season on the dates. One could argue that Chris is a small town guy and traveling to Santa Fe is a BIG deal, but come on, these ladies did not go on the show to hang out in the states. At least Megan isn’t upset because she actually thinks she is in another country. Hopefully someone stamped her passport.

So the first one on one date went to Carly. I was pleased to see this because she is cute and nice and adorable and pleasant. She has all of the makings for someone who wants to move to the middle of nowhere and raise a ton of kids. Maybe some of her niceness can rub off on whatever dick producer decided to take the “girl with intimacy issues” and put her on the sex guru date. That date would have been horrifying with just her, Chris and the guru, but add in all of the camera and show people – what a killer. I literally felt like a wanted to cry for her but I was too busy giggling like a school girl as they were breathing on each other. Of course my number one thought was how their breathes smelled. My husband thought I was having some sort of breakdown because I was sitting on the couch, crying, laughing, and trying to smell my own breathe at the same time.

At least the date ended, meaning it was time for the group date. I found this date so full of absurdities that I don’t even know where to start. First I firmly believe that they tell these women what they are doing to a certain extent before they go on each date. So in my mind this means when a producer says “Hey Ashley I. you are going rafting, in a boat, on a river, which has water.” Her response is “Oh my gosh, I can’t wait, I think this calls for full makeup and my hot red lipstick.” Maybe it is just me, but knowing I would likely fall off the boat, my makeup and hair going into the date would probably be minimal. The date is pretty boring while they are on the river, only livened up by Megan’s continued belief that they are in Mexico. Oh yes, and Jade falling over board. Again the black box made famous by Jillian reappeared but I will not pass judgment on Jade because she was in a life threatening position and I would have probably looked way worse. So the party on the group date was one of the better ones I’ve seen in a while. However while Jordan came back, the bigger point for the producers was that Kelsey’s crazy finally came out. And in honor of that I have dedicated an entire paragraph to it below. And again Ashley I is nuts and obviously not in this for the right reasons, and apparently a mean girl.

Britt had the one on one date. For a person so scared of heights that she had a freak out when receiving the date card, she sure didn’t have a problem in a hot air balloon. Does she realize that a hot air balloon requires her to stand in a basket and be lifted into the air by fire – without a parachute, or seatbelt? She is plain crazy or a big fat (not really fat) liar. I’m going to go with the liar option because everyone knows that her and Chris did not just nap behind that closed door. I’m starting not to like her, also because she sleeps with makeup. (again confirming my belief the producers tell them about the dates)

And the winner for most crazy this season is not the expected Ashley S (RIP Episode 4). The winner by a landslide is KELSEY. Now I’m all for letting your freak flag fly high (Ashley S) but Kelsey is certifiable. Most people are probably questioning whether or not Samson exists, but regardless she is cray-cray. Part of me feels bad for her that her husband suddenly passed away. But that side of me is punched in the face by the other side that believes she is nuts. She used the story as a play in getting Chris’ attention when she knew she was behind, and brags about her story being the best. Cue Ashley I’s story and how she thinks she is the best. I don’t know where these ladies are from, but in Wisconsin men like women who don’t have “stories.” In fact it is usually the person with the smallest number of stories that wins. I don’t want to use the word baggage (thank you Kalon and Emily) but it typically isn’t a good thing to have. So now I am going to place high bets on saying goodbye to Kelsey for sure and most likely Ashley I – just given their “great” stories. In fact the stories are getting to be so much for Chris that he needed to be consoled by Chris Harrison and the producers needed more time to show Kelsey SUPER FAKE panic attack."

GUEST POST 6: by Kimberly M.





Some highlights:

1.  There was a goddamn "Love Guru" that made me puke in my mouth.  The cruise ship singer and the dumbfuck bachelor had to do this overly sexual and intimate therapy type thing that was far better suited for an established couple not people that barely know each other, it was horrifying.  Truly.  I cannot wait for you to feast your eyes upon it. 

2.  Britt aka Vanessa Lachey outed herself as a fake ass faker.  Cried tears that she was afraid of heights and then displayed absolutely zero fear on a HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE, which is terrifying if you have a fear of heights!  She also had a fake, disgusting and juvenile reaction when talking to Prince Farmoron (see what I did there?  lol) about having kids.  Also she put full lipstick on before bed so I hate her fucking guts.  She's one of those chicks that give us all a bad name. Suck it Britt.

3.  And then we have Kelsey.  I have no words for what transpired last night.  All I can tell you is that the episode ended with a giant "TO BE CONTINUED" instead of a rose ceremony and that Kelsey was sprawled out on the floor sobbing hysterically being tended to by paramedics who asked "are you hurt?" "did you hit your head?" to which Kelsey wailed "noooooooooooo I'm just batshit crazy and wanted to display this fact on national television".  It is seriously disturbing.  The whole thing.

4.  Ashley I and her tarantulashes have officially become unbearable.  I wish she would die in a fire.  Not literally but still. 

GUEST POST 5

This one has lots of pics and content, so cutting and pasting ain't cutting it. So click on this. You won't regret it.

https://lifeaftersf.wordpress.com/

GUEST POST 4: My Story’s Sadder Than Your Story

By Rachel Edwin

http://bachcaps.blogspot.ca/


Date with Carly, AKA Playing Chicken with a Love Guru: Chris takes Carly to meet a “Love and Intimacy Mentor”. The Mentor normally works with couples married for a decade or two, but sure she’ll burn some sage for you on your first date. She is paid in hemp and love beads. Small issue: You probably FIRST need to have love and intimacy before getting a mentor like this. Kind of like you’d first need a job before you can have a workplace mentor.

What ensues on this date is horribly awkward. Chris and Carly are forced into close-face breathing exercises that make me hope they had Mentos on hand. The worst part was Carly feeding Chris while blindfolded and smearing chocolate all over his lips. He doesn’t bother to lick it off and it just lingers. So gross. He’s passive with this whole date and I just keep waiting for him to call it off! Chris and Carly play a game of Love Guru Chicken until Carly says the safe words: “I’m uncomfortable.” Thank goodness, they were about to strip and do that thing where you have to fall backwards into the person’s arms and hope that they catch you.

Later, Chris and Carly hang out alone on pillows. Carly asks Chris the question we are all thinking: Are you worried people will go home once they see, like, Iowa? Answer: Ya, he’s worried! We also learn that Carly is very insecure. Chris likes strong women who can smooth over the awkwardness - Carly gets the rose but she may not be final four material.

Group Date with Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley and Kelsey, AKA, Rapidly Going Downhill: Time to do white-water rafting but first an “orientation” guy named Cisco scares everyone with unlikely scenarios of dying on this Disney ride. Jade manages to fall out of the boat and can’t warm up. She gets an over-the-tube-sock foot massage from Chris.

At the evening party, Jordan of drunken twerking-handstand fame returns from Week 2 and confronts Chris. She explains, “Something brought me back here.” If you’re wondering, that “something” is free booze. All the other women freak out about Jordan’s return even though she poses zero threat. Ashley wants to be mean to Jordan, while Whitney prefers being nice to Jordan’s face but mean behind her back. Ashley and Jordan clash over these different approaches. Chris finally realizes that the women can’t handle Jordan’s gatecrashing and he rightly sends her packing. He gives Whitney the rose who’s happy to meet her “goal.” Everyone else sulks.

Date with Britt, AKA Not Really Scared of Heights: Britt sobs on Carly’s shoulder prior to this date because she has a “phobia” of heights. Carly is more concerned that Britt never showers, which Britt readily admits. Either: a) Britt is really pretty AND has no natural scent or b) When you are really pretty no one seems to notice how bad you smell.

At 4:30 AM, Chris wakes up Britt and is surprised that she looks beautiful in the morning. He doesn’t notice that she sleeps in full make-up. How she is not covered in acne I will never understand. She wears filthy socks to the date. See, Britt is in the attractive person “bubble” (as coined by “30 Rock”) where you are not subject to the normal human rules if you’re really good looking. She can stink as much as she wants.

Chris and Britt go on a hot air balloon which would terrify someone with a phobia of heights. Miraculously, Britt is totally fine. She has no phobia, she just didn’t want to jump off a cliff or something. The date ends in Chris’s bedroom where they talk about having no less than 100 children. This is too many children. Britt is a solid actress and she’s turning on the charm so hard. The other women know that Britt’s not into marriage/kids but that she’ll be safe anyway. At the end of their date, Chris and Britt “nap,” which means they just make-out like crazy. There is no way Britt’s moving to Iowa. She needs constant human contact. Chris’s sisters don’t look like free huggers and Britt will be left alone to hug the corn. I’d bet the farm that she’s staying in L.A.

The Kelsey Drama, AKA My Story Beats Your Story: All week, Kelsey has been surly, as she wants to share her widow story with Chris. Finally, she crashes his room and tells Chris how her husband died suddenly of heart failure. They have their first kiss. He’s pulling away slightly, but Kelsey doesn’t seem to notice.

Later at the cocktail party, there is major tension. Everyone is scared to be booted. Whitney is like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland – obsessed with TIME. If you don’t get your time, you’re outta there. People are worried that Kelsey’s story keeps her safe another week. Kelsey is the identified villain this week. She doesn’t seem genuine, gloats about her “amazing” story, and has incongruent facial expressions when talking about sad stuff. The editors give her menacing music whenever she speaks.

Mackenzie, Mother of Kale, realizes her teen pregnancy has nothing on Kelsey’s widowhood. Ashley is also worried - she has lots in terms of eyelashes but nothing in terms of tragic stories. The women don’t realize: Guys don’t find sad stories especially attractive – it’ll keep you safe for a week (maybe), but that’s it.

Chris Harrison comes in and announces that the cocktail party is cancelled because Chris Farmer has made his decisions. Everyone is terrified because they want their “tiiiimmme!” Kelsey, suddenly concerned, runs out and hyperventilates on the hallway floor. The paramedics tend to her and TO BE CONTINUED! I predict that Samantha Who and Megan the Geography-Impaired go home. But Mackenzie and Kelsey are also vulnerable. Lots of tears ahead!  

GUEST POST 3: Erika S.


The show opens with the tag line “The season is about to explode.”  Promises, promises, but I’m on the edge of my couch, pen in hand, assuming the all-important job of summarizing this crap for my friends.
Chris arrives in Santa Fe, NM.  Did he come by train because that is what it looks like.  Can’t they afford a plane ticket?  And where are the helicopters this year?  They are really going low budget for the Iowa farmer.  He’s glad to be there.  It’s beautiful.  Yada, yada, yada.
Meanwhile, back at the STD house in LA, Smitty greets the girls.  There will be 1 group date and 2 one-on-ones this week.  He breaks the news that they are going to meet up with Chris in Santa Fe.  Some stupid blonde (Megan, I think) says she is super excited.  She thinks New Mexico is a beach resort place.  She’s pretty sure they wear sombreros there, but she may be wrong because she has never been out of the country before.  My 14-year-old son looks up at the tv in disgust and says “she’s an idiot” followed by “why do you watch this crap, Mom?”  Truer words have never been spoken, Grasshopper.
Mouth Whore (Ashley I) hopes for a one-on-one.  The date card arrives.  Now we have proof positive that Chris doesn’t write these cards because it is for Carly and says “Let’s Come Together.”  OK, that happens so rarely and never on a first date.  Chris would never set expectations that high.  Carly is excited because they have a friendship but could there be more?  She thinks this is the day they will look back on and know that they should always be together.  Not so fast…
Chris and Carly arrive at a big house, wander around to the back and ultimately find a weird, meditating chick by the pool.  She is a “Love Guru” and is going to “Bring more juiciness to the relationship.”  She said this, I kid you not.  Juiciness is probably required if they are going to “Come Together.”
Side bar – Commercial break.  Two pictures, same guy, one with a truck and one with a sedan.  They ask the girls whom they prefer.  Obviously they pick the truck guy because he looks manly and exciting.  The other guy is standing in front of what may be a Prius.  Apparently not so manly.  Might as well be a mini-van.
OMG – still and hour and 45 minutes of this shit left.  This recapping is a hard job.  Jen, I don’t know how you do it.
Back to the Love Guru.  She is burning sage.  Chris is cautiously optimistic but concerned that it might get weird.  Really, now you are concerned?  Life on the farm has left you a little slow.  You should have been concerned when she introduced herself by singing into a Barbie karoke machine.  He says his lips are numb.  Again, problem for the whole “Come Together” promise.
Carly blindfolds Chris.  She is told to make her way around his whole body with just breath and touch.  She is terrified but not so much that she can’t smear a chocolate covered strawberry around his mouth.  I scream at the tv, “Open your mouth, Jackass!”  Good thing my son has retired to his room to knife bad guys in Call of Duty on his X Box.  Next they do some kind of funky pairs yoga.  Looks like twerking to me.  This is followed by “De-robing to unmask the other, so they can go deeper.”  Mmmm, maybe there will be something to this “Come Together” situation.  Carly says she hasn’t had sex in a long time, especially on a first date.  Then she takes off Chris’ shirt and lets Chris take her shirt off.  Carly starts to take off his pants while staring into his eyes.  She says it’s the worst date of her life and they both decide to stop.  The Love Guru looks bummed.  They agree that they are getting deep.  I have to agree, this may be the worst date of my life life, too.  So uncomfortable.  I now understand why Jen hides under the couch.  I’m there and it isn’t a good place to be.  They get dressed again but sadly the date isn’t over.  She sits on his lap and they are supposed to get very close but not kiss, just breathe on each other.  Hopefully they both brushed their teeth before this date.  Carly says she feels good.  Now they suck face.  Chris says he feels romantic.  No, I’m pretty sure you just feel a boner because a chick is sitting on your lap and you are doing the tongue mambo.
Cut to the girls at the hotel gossiping.  Wow, Kelsey is a widow too.  Her husband died wile walking to work on a beautiful day in Austin, TX.  Mouth Whore tries to look sad.  She also has side burns.  I never noticed that before.
Group Date Card:  “I’m Rapidly Falling in Love.”  Date is for Jade, Megan (dumb blonde), Kaitlyn, Whitney (baby voice), Mackenzie (Quinoa’s mom and 12 years old), Samantha (who?), Ashley Mouth Whore, Kelsey (widow #2) and Becca (real virgin).  That means Britt gets the one-on-one.  Poor Kelsey, she is not feeling special.  But honey, you are just as special as the other 10 girls who are trying to hump the farmer.
Back to Carly and Chris.  They go to a hotel room to talk about their date.  She says he gives her strength.  I’m pretty sure he just gives her the promise of a high, hard one.  They are drinking wine.  She admits that she hasn’t had sex in 18 months because her last boyfriend never wanted to be physical and that messed with her head.  Hey, that makes you a born-again virgin!   Woo Hoo, you should mention that to Mouth Whore.  Chris listens and tries to plaster an “I care” look on his face while mentally trying to figure out how far he can go with her.  He says he sometimes feels inadequate.  Not good to say on national tv.  He moves in for the kiss, gives her the rose, followed by:
            Chris:  This is crazy and awesome
            Carly:  This is a major moment for us
            Face sucking (I scream “Get your hands off her face!”)
Side bar:  I’m doing laundry and Fuck! I threw a dry clean-only shirt in by accident.  It is now a belly shirt.  Double fuck!
Group date:  White water rafting.  Chris is wearing flannel.  I just noticed that Kelsey is a guidance counselor.  Do we really want a chick this cray-cray advising our youth?  Megan is afraid of alligators.  She is all kinds of stupid and not hot enough to be that stupid.  Cisco, their safety advisor, tells them not to stand up in the rapids lest they die.  Thanks, Cisco.
2 boats, Whitney gets the coveted seat next to Chris.  Jade falls out.  They black box her ass as she is pulled back in.  She’s cold.  Chris massages her feet.  She has a condition y’all!  Mackenzie is jealous.  Kelsey is a bitch.
The girls change – time to get all ‘ho’d up for the evening.  There is a rose on the table.  Wait, Jordan (eliminated in week 2) shows up.  She said she drove all the way from Colorado and wants a second chance.  Chris said he thought she was a big drinker and not a serious about the process as the other girls.  She looks all kinds of desperate.  He talks to her then brings her around the other girls.  They are pissed!
Stream of consciousness:
            Ashley Mouth Whore:  Doesn’t like Jordan
            Is Chris wearing a Member’s Only jacket?
            Whitney to Mouth Whore:  Don’t be mean to Jordan
            Mouth Whore to Chris:  Jordan is a party girl and I’m not.  I’m a virgin and Top 11!
            Kelsey to Chris:  This makes her question how serious their relationship is (and it is quite a relationship – you have had all of about 20 minutes together, the bulk of that spent trying to count the number of cavities he has with your tongue)
            Kaitlyn to Chris:  It’s too much
            Jade to Chris:  It’s hard (I think that is usually a good thing)
            Chris to Jordan:  His heart is pounding.  He’s got a boner because she is hot but he sends her home.   To her credit, she exhibits a little bit of dignity and wishes him well.
Cut to hotel.  Date Card:  “The Sky is the Limit.”   It is for Britt and she immediately starts freaking out because she is scared of heights.  She and Carly talk about getting ready for the date.  Britt says maybe she will wash her hair.  Carly says maybe she should shower.  Apparently Britt doesn’t shower.  That puzzles Carly but thinking logically she says maybe they don’t shower on farms so maybe Britt is the perfect girl for Chris.
Back to the group date.  They all hug.  Jordan goes home, Whitney gets the rose, Mouth Whore shoots daggers from her eyes into Whitney.  Chris says the feelings are getting real.  Now I notice that Mouth Whore is wearing what can only be described as a tennis dress.  She and Mackenzie are bitching together and she calls herself “super real.”  Yes, I agree.  I’m sure that under the 10 layers of false eyelashes, pounds of war paint, cheap statement jewelry and Kim Kardashian hero worship, she is totally real.
Only 45 minutes left.  Thank God!
Britt Date:  He sneaks into the girls’ room at 4:32 AM and finds her among all the girls in the dark.  She rolls over and is wearing full make-up! Chris thinks she looks so natural in the morning.  Yeah, he’s not the sharpest tool in the old farm shed, either.  Also, Britt and Carly seem to be sharing a bed.  That is weird to me.  Carly is jealous because Chris wants her to be quiet then she hears kissing noises.  Morning breath, anyone? Carly begins to question the connection they had on their date.  She starts to smack-talk Britt, telling the other girls about how Britt puts on full make-up right before bed. 
Back in the car, Britt is making googley eyes at Chris.  They are going on a hot air balloon ride.  Suddenly her paralyzing fear of heights disappears and she is super excited about the date.  OK, she is kind of cute and it is a cool date – sunrise, balloon ride, mountains, etc.  They have real chemistry, whatever that is.  Chris says he is on cloud 9.  Everything changed for Britt today, she feels like he is her boyfriend (yes, you and 10 other girls all have the same, AMAZING feelings).  They go to Chris’ room and immediately land on the bed.  The other girls are gossiping and Mouth Whore brings up that Britt is phony.  Pot, meet kettle.  Britt told Mouth Whore that she didn’t want kids.  Cut to the bed where Britt tells Chris that she wants lots of kids.  Chris gives her the rose, they slam their mouths together on the bed.  Chris says “I love kissing you.”  The bedroom doors close.
Sometime later, Britt is back with the girls describing her AMAZING date.  She says they took a nap together at the end.  Carly cries.  Kelsey references the nap with air quotes.  Kelsey sneaks away, plasters a smile on her face and somehow (?) finds Chris’ room.  She NEEDS to share her story with him.  I’ll use air quotes here – “share her story” means share her vagina.  She cries when she tells him about husband #1.  His name was Sanderson Poe and he died in May, 2013.  I think it sounds made up.  Chris tries out his concerned look again and leans in for the hug.  He has HUGE pit sweat stains.  Super gross!  Kelsey is smiling as she tells us about her tragic story.  She is psycho.  They suck face.  Remember that Kelsey thinks he banged Britt a few minutes ago and now she’s in for sloppy seconds.  Totally gross!  She leaves very confident that she will get a rose because of her tragic story.
Cocktail Party.  Britt knows the word “palpable” and uses it correctly in a sentence.  She has moved up a few points in my opinion.  Chris comes in, sweating like a fat kid, and admits the Kelsey conversation to the group.  They are all surprised.  Kelsey sits there with a smug look on her face.  Chris is tearing up and needs a break.  He is comforted by the always understanding and sympathetic Smitty.
Whitney says Kelsey isn’t nice.  Kelsey says she needs to “honor her story.”  She doesn’t want to say goodbye to someone but she is OK because she knows it won’t be her.  She and Britt giggle.  The other girls are suspicious and mad.  Smitty comes in and says Chris knows what he is going to do.  There won’t be a cocktail party.  Ashley Mouth Whore is crying – maybe her virgin story isn’t good enough when compared to a spouse dropping dead.  Oh my, she smells trouble.  Kelsey starts to get concerned, she leaves and is next seen sobbing and moaning on the floor with a host of crew people around her.  She is having a panic attack.  Screen goes dark.  To be continued.  What a rip-off!  Two hours of this horseshit and we have to wait until next week to see who goes home.  Really!
The episode ends with Megan giving further evidence as to her single-digit IQ.  She is wearing a sombrero and discussing her thoughts on the difference between Mexico, New Mexico, whether there is an Old Mexico and which came first.  There are no words.

GUEST POST 2

Guest post 2 from one of the best readers EVA - Brandon and Mrs. E


If I can’t be in Cabo, gimme Santa Fe.  I'm just gonna say that I seriously love Santa Fe. One of my fave places EVER!  I hate that they are skankin' up the town with their Bach-germs, though.  Yuck. Lysol the WHOLE TOWN after they're gone, please! 

Regarding Santa Fe:

Megan..."It's like a beach resort place.  You know, the hats--sombreros--that everyone wears in Mexico...I don't know if everyone wears those in NEW Mexico. It's SO exciting!  I've never been out of the country!"

Carly/ Cruise ship singer date at Hacienda del Cerezo--that translates to House of Cherry.  How appropriate for what comes next!!
Who the F*@& is this Love and Intimacy Mentor...Tziporah Kingsbury...the Love Guru???  Tell the mother ship to TAKE HER BACK!  WE DON’T WANT ANY!!!

Burning sage....breathing...singing...  WHAT THE HELL IS THIS QUACKERY??
Chris..."I felt nothing."  Ummm...NOTHING?  REALLY?  Looks like you felt quite a LOT! 
Carly...blindfoldling Chris: This might be good. For starters, it reminds me of 9 1/2 Weeks!
WTH was with the bend her over move???  YES, MORE 9 1/2 Weeks!
Next...undressing??!!  Did we get the NC-17 version this week???

What is going on???  THAT GURU-BITCH IS CERTIFIABLY CRAY-ZEEEE!!!!

...AND, THEN THE FACE-BREATHING...REALLY???  I LOVE MY WIFE, BUT I DO NOT WANT HER TO BREATH IN MY FACE!!!  FUCKING MEASLES ARE GOING AROUND EVERYWHERE YA KNOW!!!!

CHRIS: "And, I'm excited to take this relationship to the next level. "Oh,  yeah. Where the hell will that be? There's only one level to go to now!

Awwww, but, I do kinda like Carly. She has a good back-story.  Chris: "I think Carly could be the best wife you could ever ask for."  Yes, of course.  Shocker to hear you say that...again.

Neil Lane commercial.  Yawn...
Disney Commercial.  Double-yawn...

Jordan...Week 2 boomerang: OH, DO THEY HAVE DAGGER-EYES!!   Very glad that he sent her packing.  Nothing to see here folks, move along...

Ashley I: Skanky dress..her VJJ was hanging out!   She is a MEAN GIRL!!!  Run, from her, dude!!  She's a bitch. I DO NOT LIKE HER!  (for Chris, of course)

They're all being STUPID talking to Chris about him bringing her back. Ladies, no guy ever likes you questioning their judgment. Ever!  If we make mistakes… Let me recant that… WHEN we make mistakes, let us make the mistakes. We like to learn our lessons the hard way. (No, not THAT way.  You know what I meant by that.) (Oh, never mind!)

Britt...no shower or shaving for weeks?  That is WAY more than I cared to know about her. Ladies, if you do that, NEVER, EVER, EVER admit that to any guy!  We DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS ABOUT YOU!  All we can do is imagine the smell of week's old hot garbage "down there". EWWW!  She goes WAY down on my list for that!! 

I'm glad that he sent what's her name home.  Yeah, that one...

So, Whitney got the Rose.  Meh, OK. 

Ashley I: "I just don't see him with her. I see him with a girl that's super real!"  That sure as hell ain't you, freakshow! 

Britt's one-on-one:
Did you see when he woke Britt up that she had full makeup on, absolutely perfect lipstick, and even eyeshadow glitter? Are you effing kidding me?  Yeah, that always happens! Oh, and he's all talking to her inches away from her face and giving her a kiss??  No morning breath,?!  RRIIGGHHHTTT!  (But, what does it matter to her? She never showers anyway!

Okay, the hot air balloon was cool, and, they both look stupidly pretty. Assholes!  So, his date with Britt looked kinda perfect. Actually, I kinda like them together now. And, they would make just absolutely stupidly pretty kids together, too!  Dammit!

Kelsey's sneak-over: I'm so pissed! Her story sucked me in.  And, then, HOLD THE FRONT DOOR...what the shit?! What is that with his sweaty armpits?! Did you see that?  HE NEEDS THE QUICKER PICKER UPPER STAT!  GROSS! Totally lost it for me!  Damn, dude.  (I'm sure that's perfect for dirty-bitch Britt!!)  

Oops, back to Kelsey, AKA type-A control freak? "Hell yeah, I'm getting a rose tonight!" She kinda scares me. Like as in boil-your-rabbit crazy.

Chris… So, he had his talk with Kelsey today. I have to admit that it's hard to read what's up with these two.  Then, he had to step outside to cry and cuddle with Chris.  So, he skips the cocktail party and goes straight to the Rose ceremony. 

Ashley I: "It's just a comparison game of sad stories".  Honey, have you ever seen this show??  This IS the Bach series, after all!

DAMMIT, I HATE IT when they give us a "To be continued..."!!!  I want closure every week for what they just put us through!

Megan: What an idiot.  Her final thoughts on Mexico...seriously??  Someone throat punch her, please!!