Tuesday, March 10, 2015

The Bachelor Finale Recap - What a boner of a finale.

What a boner of a finale.

Also, whoever thought of the name “Prince Farming” is incredibly proud of himself. Let’s move on.

 Chris starts the episode in frigid temps back in Iowa saying, “It feels really good to be back home in Iowa.” No it doesn’t. That’s a lie. You’d much rather be in Bora Bora like the other seasons but some yahoo on the production team decided to fucking RUN with this Iowa theme. So you’re stuck in a barn for the proposal.

 No reason.

Whitney Meets the Soules Fam 

Whitney goes WHOLE HOG with this farm theme and sports a plaid shirt. But when she’s walking down the path with Chris, I’m all, “Where are your pants?!” Then I realize it’s a plaid shirt dress, yikes. She’s really embracing the whole Iowa thing, so props to her, I guess.

LINDA! Gotta love Chris’ mom. The woman is sweet and seems amazingly levelheaded for having been trapped in a cornfield for 60+ years.

Whitney busts into the Soules living room and decides everyone is her goddamn best friend. I’m all for social, fun people, but perhaps I’d be like, “easy chicky, we just met.” She does a toast at lunch and cries, weeping about her love for Chris and I’m secretly hoping the family will think she’s bananas, but every single one of them cries and shit.

When the sisters talk to her, Whitney dives into the fact she doesn’t have a family, and to marry into a tight-knit family is something she really wants. Nobody sees a red flag here? The desperation for love and family is SO understandable but I hope she’s not marrying Corn Cob Boy for his sweet mom.

So everyone loves her because she’s crazy about Chris and more than willing to move to Arlington which is a sacrifice, let’s be real. Sisters ask Chris if Whitney is the one and he responds, “She will be the one if Becca doesn’t want to move to Iowa. Oops did I just say that out loud?”

Linda and Whitney talk and Whitney is seriously overboard on gushing about Chris. I guess that would make me feel good too, if I was Chris’ mom, but I’d be a smidge concerned about her over-zealousness, no? She tells Linda she lost her mom and wants to find someone else to call Mom. Holy shit, people. Red flag? More like, MAYDAY MAYDAY! Hang on, there’s more. She then says, “Moving to Arlington might be hard, but I’ll just have a lot of babies.” REALLY? Does NOBODY see what’s wrong with this? Having a baby isn’t easy, yo. And then being alone in Iowa with a mother-in-law nine houses away? She might shoot herself.

I have a thought: WHY is it not even a remote possibility that Chris gives up farming and move somewhere else? Why can’t he live in Chicago or something? Close to home to check up on his corn, but not stuck there forever. Two of his three sisters do NOT live in Arlington, from what I’ve heard. It’s not a requirement. He can hire some poor bastard to farm his shit for him.

Back to the farm. Chris’ brother in law (Chris?) is the most levelheaded of the bunch (next to Linda) and comments that Becca is just harder to get so guys like the chase. Prince Farming denies this. He says, “It’s not the chase that attracts me to her. It’s her untouched vagine. And plus, I just like her a whole lot more than Whitney.”

Becca Meets the Soules Fam 

 Becca walks in the door and greets everyone in a much less molesting-type way. They ask her what she thinks of Arlington and she jokes about hanging out at the post office on weekends. I laugh, I admit. When the sisters talk to her, she admits she’s not in love with Chris and not ready to move to Iowa. I love that this is the most normal thing ever – she hasn’t been dating him that long and he’s been banging other girls the entire time – it’s not crazy to NOT be in love yet or ready to move to that godforsaken place. But yet everyone looks at her like she’s an asshole.

Mom talks to Becca and tries to convince her she’s in love with Chris. Sort of. She then says, “I think it’s up to you.” This is code for, if you tell Chris you love him, he’ll pick you. If you don’t, he’ll pick Whitney because she’ll move her ass to Iowa tomorrow.

Mom is like Yoda. She’s so wise. She tells the camera that Becca probably is in love but doesn’t recognize it because she’s young and never had a penis in her. I mean, she sort of says that. Not in such a graphic way, but you get my drift. Chris’ dad says, “I think Whitney is a sure thing, but Becca is the one he wants.” So OUCH. If you’re Whitney reading this, then OUCH. Also, it’s totally true.

Becca’s Last Date 

They hang out in the Al Capone suite of some hotel. The entire date is apparently the two of them on a bed together, saying the same shit over and over. She finally admits that a good portion of her hesitation is that she couldn’t live in that hellhole Arlington and she sure as fuck doesn’t want to be a farmer (Again, this isn’t verbatim. She says it with a little more class than I do). This seems like a deal breaker, but Chris assures her he’d have her back and they’d figure it out. It’s sweet but I think you’re fucked. Just not many options if the girl doesn’t want to be in Iowa.

Whitney’s Last Date 

Harvesting corn is when he’s happiest, you guys. He explains the process to Whitney and she yells, “OH MY GOD!”, like it’s the most fascinating fucking thing ever. You gotta give the girl points for selling it. They head to his house and she claims she feels safe, peace and comfort there (ummm red flag again, people).

On the couch she explains she loves being domestic and doing small town things. What are small town things? Like waving hello to the milkman? Cow tipping? Chris asks her why she’s so sure about him and she answers with….something. I zone out. So does Chris. There is a LOT OF GODDAMN TALKING this episode.

STOP…Filler Time 

“We need some voiceover filler. Becca, can you walk down to the waterfront and think? Greeeeat, thanks.” – Producers

Neil Lane in Iowa! Oh man, he’s not pleased. And he doesn’t hide it. “I’m in your state, Chris! And I’m not gonna lie – it fucking sucks here! Pick your ring in five minutes or less – I gotta get outta here.”

Rose Ceremony 

Chris meets Harrison outside the big red barn. He says, “I can’t think of a better place to be.” Harrison replies, “REALLY? Cause I sure as fuck can.”

He walks into the barn where some interns had a fucking field day with the prop van. Also, that seems to be a massive fire hazard. He tells us he’s standing where he raised his first pig. I’m guessing all those mason jars and shit weren’t in there back then.

How many times did these poor women have to go back and forth to Arlington? Anyway, the first out of the limo is………….Becca.

She greets Harrison, walks into the barn, meets Chris and he dumps her. She almost smiles. I think she really liked him but I truly believe she felt a little relief. She thanks him and they have a big hug and for some GODDAMN reason I’m crying. What the?

She gets back in the limo for the sixteen-hour drive back to civilization. Becca doesn’t seem to cry and claims that is because she’s in a state of shock. Or severe relief.

Whitney gets out of her limo (nobody opens the door for her, WTF) and heads inside. She looks like she’s about to poop her pants or vomit. Or both. For some reason, Chris makes her talk first which is kind of lame. She blabs again and Chris finally spits out that he loves her too. She says, “I’ve been waiting so long to hear that! I mean’s it’s been like SIX whole weeks!” He proposes and she freaks and accepts. It’s pretty cute…but I can’t shake the feeling he’d rather have Becca. In spite of that, I actually think these two stand a chance.

After the Final Rose 

Harrison sits with Chris alone at first and I have to say that Chris Harrison is being a major asshole tonight. I love the guy but he is ripe to stir shit up. He asks Chris if he was in love with Becca. I’m sure Whitney will love to hear him say yes, geesh. Then he asks if Becca loved him, would it have changed things? Seriously, Harrison, pipe down.

Becca comes out and he’s snappy with her too – Why was it so hard to watch? Why was it so hard to fall in love? He looks at Chris – “So is it frustrating to learn that it was a lost cause with Becca from the beginning?” Jesus, Harrison, are you on the fucking rag?

Harrison: “Did this experience change you, Becca?” She replies, “Yes, I banged three guys in the last week alone!”

Whitney Out 

Chris grabs her and her vagine flops out. My god, lady, that dress is too short for those types of hugs. Tuck it back in!


• A hot topic is that Whitney refused to watch the show. But Harrison takes it upon himself to TELL HER just how hard it was for Chris to choose her over Becca. Whitney says she didn’t watch it. Harrison again says, “Yeah but you must have heard stuff.” Harrison – I love you but you’re a dickface right now! Cut it out!
• Chris says that Whitney is the closest thing he’s found to his sisters (god that is so messed up).
• Ashley S is still around and I still think she’s annoying and not interesting. Harrison makes her promise to come to Bachelor in Paradise. Lord.
• Jimmy Kimmel comes out and asks them if they make love a lot (they do) and then gives them a cow named Juan Pablo as an engagement present. Love him.


The big shocking revelation was that Britt and Kaitlyn will BOTH be Bachelorettes. They both bug the shit out of me, but I’ll watch because I want to see how they pull this off. Harrison says something like, “The guys will decide on night one who they think is better wife material.” This still doesn’t tell us much. Will one girl be eliminated that night? Will the entire season be two teams – one vying for Britt and one for Kaitlyn? I’m intrigued, I admit. I just wish the girls weren’t so lame. Touch your fucking hair more, Britt.

When Harrison asks Kaitlyn what she thought when she learned there would be two bachelorettes, she replies, “Well that’s not ideal”. So at least she’s got a sense of humor about this crap. Bachelorette starts May 18th peeps, and then Bachelor in Paradise starts immediately after that ends. I will see you in May and THANK YOU for reading! I love you guys.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Bachelor Recap - Women Tell All. And I Hate Them.

There’s no reason this recap should be late because this show was fucking stupid and I could recap it in five sentences. But I won’t because I rant a lot. So here goes.

Chris and Chris crashing parties is good stuff, especially the super wasted crew at the end. I bet the one tequila-bottle-chugger was in panic mode waiting for last night’s episode to air – she probably didn’t have a clue what she did on camera. I wonder if she blew Harrison? Also the people in the first party went a little overboard on the farm theme, no? I’m surprised there wasn’t a real fucking cow mooing in the corner (SOMEONE reading this blog, take note. I want a picture of a real cow in your living room next Monday night for the finale).

Not an attractive look

Britt in the Hot Seat 

I really wish I could sit and talk to these bitches. Everything is so scripted and edited. People were saying she was made out to look like the victim on the show, but it didn’t strike me that way. She looked like a crybaby and was a weeeeee bit over dramatic, but not a victim. Anyhoo, why am I even saying this shit? Let me break it down. She was apparently shocked Carly talked shit about her to Chris when Carly was her BFF in the house. Carly said she was not. Then these two assholes bickered back and forth for what felt like hours. They are both NOT eloquent with their words and the editing is choppy so it’s hard to tell who the shit said what. But I know this – Carly drove me fucking bonkers. BONKERS. She wouldn’t shut the shit up and kept interrupting. So that was my takeaway – you can say something else and I’d probably agree with you. I hate ‘em all. What a bunch of incredibly self-absorbed shitheads. With WAY too much makeup.

Also, Jillian has clearly NOT eased off the ‘roids. Holy shit.

Also, Britt needs to not touch her hair every three seconds. And WHY is there no Kleenex? I don’t get it. Also, I think her lipstick is permanent.

Kelsey in the Hot Seat 

She definitely got the asshole edit. But she’s also an actual asshole, so……..there’s my official take.

She said she felt betrayed, she snotted into Harrison’s hankie, she thinks she was misinterpreted, blaaaaaah. Harrison asks if she thinks she’s better than the rest of these women. She replies, “Yes, of course. NO WAIT, I mean NO, of COURSE NOT. I accidentally said what I’m thinking in my brain, but it slipped out.”

I’m begging for someone to ask her why she called her death story amazing. Finally Harrison comes through and this is why I love him. She blabs about how the death wasn’t amazing, but the fact she’s moving on and open to finding love, is amazing. Whatevs. Your hair is not amazing.

Here’s my two cents on this chick, since I know you’re all dying to hear (sarcasm): She is annoying. She’s one of those socially awkward people with a fucking crazy annoying laugh and the actual words she uses makes you want to scratch her. She’s annoying. So put that on TV with a bunch of other crazy bitches, some smarmy editing by douchey producers and prince farming and you get reality TV gold.

Ashley S. in the Hot Seat 

Speaking of reality TV gold…Ashley S. is in the hot seat. My two cents: She’s not crazy; she’s eccentric and loves attention. After watching the show back, she realized how she was portrayed and decided to run with it. So last night she was actually much less amusing than she was on the actual show, because she’s not that great of an actor. She just looked like she was trying too hard to be crazy. I do think she’d be good on Bachelor in Paradise though...but now she has to keep up the crazy thing, which would get old.

Jade in the Hot Seat 

Jesus, lay off the foundation. And the lipstick. She’s pretty but she’s not doing her reputation any good by prancing around with that shitty jewelry, cheesy dress and all that goddamn makeup on her face. Why not a tasteful pant suit? These chicks all need a lesson in moderation.

They recap her shit and she says how she was so hurt by Chris’ blog. He wrote that the girl he knew was different than who her family described. It disturbed him. This threw her into a tizzy. I don’t know.

Kaitlyn in the Hot Seat 

Can I just say, never…ever…in 100 million years would you ever catch my less-than-toned, 39-year old ass in that outfit? People…it’s a WHITE tight skirt and a half shirt. I can’t imagine anything less attractive on me. Holy shit.

So rumor has it she’s the next Bachelorette. Meh, I don’t know. Her teeth and tats bother me. But I guess she has personality, so we don’t have to watch another Emily Maynard. So anyway, I thought she’d be all, “I was hurt, but it just made me realize how excited I am to find love!” but she actually said crap like, “I think about that moment everyday.” So she sounds like she’s not over him and totally scripted. So that was nice.

She also thought she didn’t deserve to go through the rose ceremony. He should’ve dumped her in private. I guess she missed the memo on the fact the fucking TV show she was on likes to run things that way. She also said, “Why didn’t he just give me a small sign I wasn’t the one?” Umm, like what? Tugging his ear? A wink? I’m so sure. Fantasy suite: “Kaitlyn, I’m falling in love with you, and I’m about to put it in you. However, if tomorrow, you see me pull on my ear, spin in a circle and scratch my left testicle, it means I’m not picking you. So run. Mmmmkay?”

Chris in the…I can’t call it the hot seat anymore. That’s so stupid. 

For pretty much being the worst orator ever, he actually does a half (I stress, half) decent job holding his own against all these crying, whiny, self-absorbed chicks. Britt sees him, cries, and then holds onto him for waaaaaay too long. He tells her he dumped her - not because of what Carly told him, but just because of her in general. She says, “ummm…thanks?”

Kaitlyn then asks him not to sugar coat it and tell her what happened. He says, “OK no sugar coating. I didn’t like you as much as Whitney and Becca.” OK he didn’t say that but it’s what HE FELT. WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND, LADIES?

Good lord, now it’s Jade’s turn. I’m OVER these chicks, big time. OK…so they chat about how disturbed he was, then she says she was hurt when he said it was “awkward” looking at her naked photos. What the fuck? Of course it’s awkward. What an idiot. I’m glad he sticks to it and says, “Well, yeah, it was awkward.” I like how he later says, “It was much less awkward seeing the photos while I masturbated alone later that night.”

Bloopers always good, but slightly oversold. What the fuck Harrison wrote a book? What the fuck THREE hours next week? Oh yeah, that whole After the Final Rose deal…Almost there, people!