Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap – Punjab Not Happy

Let’s quickly discuss last week’s big promos revealing Kaitlyn bangs a bachelor and everyone freaks out. Yes, the guys hump bachelorettes every season (Bob Guiney banged like, 7… Courtney and Ben, Claire and Juan Pablo, etc). And yes, the guys don’t get slut shamed, but Kaitlyn does. Yes, it’s lame. Nothing wrong with Kaitlyn humping who she dates, but honestly it’s probably not smart for either the Bachelor or the Bachelorette to bang too much during the show because they all friggin gossip so word will get out and people will be sad. But they’re all idiots so none of this matters. So let’s chill out and move on.

Britt Update 

They drag this out for the whole show, but the update isn’t really that exciting. I can say with certainly however that I am SO glad Britt is not the Bachelorette. Also, if Harrison walked in that hotel room, Britt would have been all over it. She wasn’t desperate or anything, at ALL.

Basically, Britt cries to her mom on the phone about not becoming the Bachelorette. Brady knocks on the door and all of a sudden, she’s FINE. Flash to two hours later and Britt says they’ve spent every day together since then. And you guys? That was SEVEN whole days ago. These two must be meant to be. Brady says, “I want to be fully in.” (Too obvious for a penetration joke). He then says, “Will you be my girl?” Good lord. He’s definitely made melodies for her.

Group Date Numero Uno 

This week, there will be two humiliating group dates and one really weird one-on-one date. Group date number one is for Daniel (fashion designer), Justin (ewww), Jared (not Subway Jared), Cory (there are two, no idea which one this is), Tanner (does something with cars), Kupah (Punjab from Annie but with an anger management problem), Ben H. (software maybe?), and Ben Z. (fitness guy).

Kaitlyn takes them to an old warehouse with Leila Ali and they practice boxing. Leila has clearly been watching this show because the first thing she says is, “Boxing is a lot like love. It takes determination and heart.” Kupah adds, “Yeah and sometimes you just want to hit someone too!” He didn’t say that. Also, love and boxing both take heart and determination. You know what else takes heart and determination? Everything. There are a zillion things that fit that category so stop making everything like love. I did laundry ten minutes ago with heart and determination, fuck.

How can we look even MORE gay? I know! Weee!

After some practice, Leila tells them they get to fight each other in a real ring. Besides Ben Z, most of the dudes are terrified. I can’t tell if that makes them total pussies or actually rational human beings.

Ben Z. kills Daniel, which just makes sense. Tanner almost cries and they throw in the towel. (Thank god, I hear him say). Finally, we’re down to Ben Z. and Jared, which is surprising for some reason. Ben Z. knocks him silly and wins. Thank goodness, because Ben says if he lost, his football buddies would never let him live that down. Apparently, his buddies are 22 in a fraternity house. Dicks.

Also, I fucking hate everything about this. Everything. I hate the fighting – it makes me uncomfortable. And how sad for them – they don’t want to get their asses kicked, especially on TV. I hate the producers for this (you can add it to my list of why the producers are terrible people). And MAN I wish Tony was on this date.

Kaitlyn is sad Jared is hurt, saying her biggest fear was someone getting hurt. Ummm, well then if that’s what you’re worried about, planning a date when they are asked to beat the shit out of each other may not be the smartest move? Just sayin’.

Jared is sent to the hospital because the Bachelor appointed paramedic says his pupils are slow to react. He’s bummed. The difference between the Bachelor and Bachelorette – guys are sad when they get hurt, but girls like the attention.

At the after party, Ben Z. tells Kaitlyn about his mom dying. Justin tells Kaitlyn more about his son, Areola. Cory looks like an accountant. Not a fake accountant who is actually a stripper, but an actual one. One you don’t want naked on top of you, if you know what I mean.

Jared is back from the hospital but the doctor deems it too dangerous to sit on sofas in the lounge, so he’s forced to wait in the street for Kaitlyn to come down for a visit. She does, they kiss, blaaaah.

Ben Z. gets the rose for sending a guy to the hospital. Well done.

One-on-One Date 

Clint gets the one-on-one date this week with Kaitlyn. My notes on him from week one say, “I fell asleep” and “square body engineer.” I also remember he’s the one who drew the picture of Harrison on a dinosaur, so that wins points for sure.

They drive to a fancy house where they have to get into fancy clothes and makeup, and dive into a pool for an underwater photo shoot. It’s an odd choice for a date, and a good opportunity for the producers to embarrass Clint, soooo…I guess it’s fun? The photographer is also a yoga teacher, apparently as she gives them exercises to “heat up our inner selves.” Tony would be all over this!

Kaitlyn does her hair and makeup, which seems silly, and they jump into the pool. The photographer gets in the pool, but oddly forgets to remove her clothes. The shoot is basically giving them a reason to make out, above and below water. Kaitlyn claims it feels natural and comfortable which is absurd – she’s not a mermaid for fucks’ sake. This is not natural.

They head to dinner after the photo shoot and he seems like a really sweet guy…but painfully quiet. Maybe boring? He seems normal and kind of sexy, but I can’t decide if he would bore her. They make out some more on the balcony with Bachelor crescendo music, naturally. Yes, he gets the rose.

Group Date Number Two 

This date is for JJ (FORMER investment banker, CURRENT douche bag who is physically nauseating), Jonathan (automotive spokesman. What does that mean, really?), Chris (Smiley dentist), Ian (former track runner, nice guy, kind of pussy-ish), Joe (hot Kentucky guy. You heard me), and Tony (Zen, overly sensitive to the point it’s a complete turn off. Also, fucking crazy. Slow love maker).

They meet Amy Schumer at a comedy club, and it will surprise nobody she is my hero. How friggin funny was she during this segment? My favorite part was when she told JJ to step on the mic stand so it pops up. “Oh I think that’s a GREAT idea.” Love her.

She meets the guys and tells them they’ll all be performing stand up today. JJ is excited because he’s always wanted to do this. Have I mentioned I am physically repulsed by him? Picturing him naked on top of me is actually enough to make me gag. I’m serious. Amy Schumer is also repulsed by him. She says, “JJ is a sweet guy. He’s just missing charisma, humility and a sense of humor. Maybe when he sees the show he’ll reflect on himself and not be such a turd.” I couldn’t say this any better. He is a turd. And nobody wants a turd on top of them naked. Except, ironically, probably JJ.

Tony is ready to “just cut loose and be Tony!” I wouldn’t recommend that, actually. And on stage, him being Tony is every bit as Tony as you could imagine. Wow. It was my first foray under the sofa this season.

Nobody is funny. So if the producers set out to humiliate the dudes, which of course they did, they succeeded.

After party is uneventful, except for the fact I want to punch Kaitlyn for giving JJ the rose. I mean, how different must he act with her? It’s mind-blowing. He talks about his daughter, which she says is cute, but it seems super insincere. Plus he’s still gross. Plus 90% of them have kids, so he can’t be the only one acting that cute about it. JJ kisses her and I vomit a bit. He says to the camera, “I don’t know a guy who has a better kiss than I do.” The camera immediately pans to Joe sticking it to Kaitlyn against a building, complete with porn music. OK so I don’t ALWAYS hate the producers. Also, Joe is hot, people. That’s right.

Joshua the welder is hot, too. Although he’s never been in love at age 31 and that’s a smidge concerning. Tony woos Kaitlyn by saying he was scared of her and totally connected to Britt. Well done. The end.

Cocktail Party 

The guys decide to let the dudes who didn’t get a date this week have first dibs on Kaitlyn at the cocktail party. When Kaitlyn walks in, JJ grabs her, who not only had a date, but also has a rose. He says he’s not there to make friends, but there to win her heart, blah blah blah. Personally, I like guys who are likeable. Call me crazy. I want a guy that other people like – one who is nice to people and not an asshole. JJ is an idiot.

There’s not much else that really happens, until Kupah goes bananas. Ian tells her about his track running/getting hit by a car past. Somehow he links these events to being mentally prepared to be on the Bachelorette. And Tony is furious with JJ. That’s about it. Until…

Kupah tells Kaitlyn he thinks he’s the token black guy there to fill a quota. He’s not wrong, so kudos to him for figuring that out. However, she just doesn’t like you. It doesn’t have to be a race thing, you dick. Black or white, you’re an idiot. Who, by the way, loved Britt, so don’t act all fucking irritated now. She says she did have a connection with him, but now she’s annoyed with him.

She says she’ll think about it. He then walks back to the group of dudes and blabs his big, fat mouth about it. He says that he flew 3000 miles to do this and she better not keep him to fill a quota, etc. She overhears him and she’s PISSED. She walks him outside and tells him to leave. Punjab is NOT happy. He says, “I don’t want to leave. You’re hot.” She tells him there’s more to her than that. He says, “I know! You like movie quotes, too!” I have to hand it to him…If a guy told me I was hot and then said, “I’ll never let go, Jack” or “I feel the need, the need for speed”, I’d be all, “OK I change my mind, please stay.”

That’s right asshole – you’re leaving because you’re a douche bag, not because you’re black or white or Punjab.

She goes back inside and Punjab screams at the cameras and begins to make a bit of a scene. Kaitlyn storms outside to confront him…AND? That’s the end. NO GODDAMN ROSE CEREMONY? Lord help me.

Next week, it’ll take less than thirty seconds to wrap this up. She’ll walk outside, tell him to calm down and he’ll be all pissy pants and leave. Then there will be a rose ceremony, end of story. But for some reason, they wanted to make a cliffhanger out of this…Whatevs. See you next week, when Kaitlyn will maybe meet up with Pube Head Nick and maybe bang someone. Stay tuned.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - No more Melodies-in-Me Guy

Harrison is such a drama queen. He pulls Britt aside and says, “Well, the men voted for….one woman. And she is…….going to be excited to be the next Bachelorette.” He finally spits it out that Britt is going home and she’s shocked. I feel a smidge bad for her, but not really. She was obnoxiously overconfident.

Britt does her dramatic limo exit saying, “I want to be a wife and mom and actress more than anything in the world.”

Harrison tells Kaitlyn she was chosen as the next Bachelorette and she’s stoked. She’s very squeaky and oddly confused that she has to have a rose ceremony tonight. Probably because they’ve been in this house for fifteen hours already and to schmooze for six more hours sounds exhausting.

Harrison introduces Kaitlyn to the guys as the next Bachelorette and even the Britt voters do a somewhat good job at hiding their disappointment. Except for melodies-inside-me guy.

So if I were Kaitlyn here, I’d say, “I know some of you didn’t vote for me. If you want to leave, I’d understand. If you want to stay and get to know me, I’ll forgive you for not voting for me.” But everyone is SO ANNOYING and weird about this whole thing. Grrr.

Here are some highlights from the second cocktail party:

• Hot Joshua gives her a metal rose. I dig him.
• Justin fitness trainer does NOT fit into my “naked on top of me” scenario. Yikes.
• Punjab totally wanted Britt and now he’s kissing Kaitlyn’s ass. (His real name is Kupah but he looks like Punjab from the movie Annie. So now he’s Punjab)
• Who is this David realtor character who looks like an extra in a Chris Brown video? He is smarmy.
• Healer needs some serious healing. He’s hurt. He misses Britt. And his plants.
• Brady came here for Britt and now she’s gone and he “doesn’t know what to do with those emotions.” Really? Cause I know. You make a melody. It’s already inside you, Brady.
• About five hours in, Kaitlyn says that some of these guys wanted Britt so she needs to decide who is here for her. NOW she realizes this?
• Jared decides honesty is the best route and tells her he voted for Britt. He also tells her she’s not as pretty as Britt but he’ll try to get to know her but mostly so he can be on TV and travel and not have to go back to managing restaurants in Rhode Island. He didn’t say that.
• JJ is not attractive. Sorry that’s rude, but naked on top me? No way. Oddly, Kaitlyn is acting like she’s into him.
• She makes out with cupcake car Dentist, Chris. Don’t worry, this is apparently only the beginning of the sluttiness.
• Clint is very square. Literally. He’s square-shaped.
• She gives Shawn the first impression rose and holy cow, for some reason I want him naked on top of me STAT. Why is this? I think it’s because I had a sex dream about Calvin Harris the other night and he reminds me of him. Mmmmm, mama like.
• They kiss and it is NOT a small one. Whoa.

Rose Ceremony 

So Shawn has the first impression rose. The others go to:

Chris – Cupcake dentist. He’s VERY smiley.
Ben H. – Software Sales guy. I’m mixing him up with a couple other guys so I don’t have much to give you on him yet. But I don’t think I want him naked on top of me.
JJ – For a guy who voted for Britt five minutes ago, he’s awfully excited for this rose
Joe – Moonshine dude. He’s either a fucking rockstar manly-man in bed or a total pussy. It’s a crapshoot for Kaitlyn.
Kupah – Punjab – He likes Britt but pretends he likes Kaitlyn. He will never win this show.
Daniel – Her choices are confusing me.
Ryan B. – A realtor? Who?
Joshua – Hot hot welder. Mmmm.
Tony – Healer – He’s troubled and feeling things, you guys.

I am VERY happy to be accepting this rose.

Melodies Inside Him Brady pulls Kaitlyn aside. He tells her it’s been a hard night for him. Why again? Anyhoo, he says he likes Britt and he’s going to go find her. I like that he’s honest – you go dude.

Kaitlyn goes back to the rose ceremony and tells the other guys that Brady left and he’s going to go find Britt. About six other guys raise their hands and say, “Umm, you can do that?” Let’s continue.

More roses go to:

Clint – Square body Engineer
Corey – Nope, not a clue.
Jonathan – Biggest Britt supporter in town. Yet still wants to be there. Can anyone say “wrong reasons”? Did I just really say that?
Corey S. – Wait there’s two Coreys? Am I spelling them both wrong or just one? Does it matter? Do I want them naked on top of me? Someone let me know.
Ben Z – I think he’s cute and normal, no?
Tanner – Cute and normal but not in a sexual way. Like in a friend way. You might make out with him once at a party while in college because he’s cute so you want to see if there’s more, but once you’re sober again, you realize there’s no sex appeal at all.
Ian – He loves her.
Justin – Another fitness guy – not into him at all.
Jared – Not the Subway Jared. He’s the guy with too much honesty. Sharp facial features. Might be cute. Might be a homicidal maniac. Not sure.

Therefore, the following guys went home:

Brady – melodies in me. Currently off chasing Britt.
David – backup dancer. Or a realtor. Whatevs.
Shawn – not to be confused with the one I love with the first impression rose. This Shawn was the hot tub car guy. Oh he’s also the sex coach who knows about anal play.
Josh – the cheesy stripper. Looks like he’ll have to keep searching for wives at the strip club.
Bradley – the Auto Shipper? Who the hell was that?

That’s it for tonight. MAN I love a one-hour show! Next we see some steamy previews…first, Pube Head Nick is back and apparently they make out a lot. She has sex with someone and then cries about it a LOT and tells the rest of the guys what happened. This is so odd. Doesn’t this probably happen every season? She doesn’t have to TELL the other guys? You hide your weird sexual secrets. How am I the only one who knows that?

OK See you peeps next week!

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - So who do I want naked on top of me?

I’m not gonna lie. A two-night premiere, followed by eleven weeks of Britt’s fucking face is almost too much for this blogger to handle. But I will do my best to hang.

Harrison says, “Let’s meet these two incredible women!” It’s not the first time something will be oversold this season. Incredible is a stretch, sir. Kaitlyn is “funny, sexy and inappropriate” and Britt is “sincere, emotional and loving.” Those are not the words I would use. Kaitlyn is cute, vulgar but likeable. Britt is hot and full of shit.

Kaitlyn tells us she’s concerned because the first night is based on initial attraction. That’s code for, Britt is clearly hotter than I am, so I’m fucked. Don’t get me wrong – I’d marry Kaitlyn over Britt in a heartbeat but I fear stupid boys with their stupid penises will fall for Britt’s general hotness.

Let’s Meet Some Boys 

Jonathan 33, Automotive Spokesman, Detroit 
He’s black-ish and has a clone son named Cloud. Maybe it’s Skye but to me, it’s Cloud.

Joe, 28, Insurance Agent, Kentucky 
He’s a southern gentleman who treats people how he wants to be treated. He seems sweet but a little…simple? He’ll get eaten alive. Let’s be honest.

Josh, 27, Law Student, Chicago 
Not a law student. He graduated already and now he’s a stripper. And a gross one at that. He says, “Even though I’m around women all the time, I haven’t found one I can see myself having a future with.” Really? That’s so odd. Strange this one isn’t wife material:

 Dollar bills are filthy. Get that out of your mouth. Good God.

Brady, 33, Singer-Songwriter, Nashville 
He’s here for the wrong reasons. Even if he’s genuine, that will be said at least 100 times this season. Also you guys? He’s always had melodies inside him.

The melodies are spewing out of him

Joshua, 31, Industrial Welder, Idaho 
 From this tiny intro, he seems super hot and normal. And anyone who admits they like Kaitlyn more than Britt wins points in my book because he’s clearly going for the less-hot but way better chick. Also, welding is like love. There’s heat and friction, two things becoming one and sparks fly. I gotta say – that’s FINALLY a decent analogy for love.

Ian, 28, Executive Recruiter, Venice 
He ran track and then was hit by a car. But he rebuilt his body, yo. Now he wants a wife. I don’t see the connection, but we learned a lot about him. Also – he’s cute and normal.

Jared, 26, Restaurant Manager, Rhode Island 
There is something really gross yet totally attractive about him. Like he might hit you or something during sex, but not in a totally abusive way, but in a hot way. Oh wait, he’s pretending to be a superhero. All sex appeal gone.

Tony, 35, Healer, St. Louis 
Nobody normal acts like this. He’s got some serious shit going on, mark my words. He also masturbates with plants.

Ben Z., 26, Fitness Coach, San Jose 
Mama Like, mama like.

Limo Arrivals 

They stand on the driveway about 20 feet apart, forcing the guys who leave the limo to make a choice as to who they are going to approach first. Of course, they edit it like Britt gets all the guys and poor asshole Kaitlyn just sits there.

Ben H., 26, Software Sales, Denver 
He’s cute but says to the camera that he lost his words when Britt talked. Bleeeeach.

Jonathan, Auto Guy we just met
He suddenly seems REALLY smarmy. Like every word out of his mouth sounds like he’s having phone sex.

Clint, 27, Architectural Engineer, Chicago 
I think I fell asleep – I don’t remember him.

Ryan B., 32, Realtor, Florida, 
“Hi, Disney princess” he says to Britt. Fuck off.

Jared – guy we met in previous section 
Still seems dirty. He liked Kaitlyn but now he likes Britt. Of course. Penis thinker.

Kupah, 32, Entrepreneur, Boston 
Entrepreneur is code for unemployed. He looks like Punjab from the original Annie movie. Which was released in 1982. Yes, I’m old.

Brady – Guy with melodies in him 
I’m too focused on the fact he has “melodies in him” to know much more.

Cory, 35, Residential Developer, Texas 
Seriously, there are too many guys. I don’t know him.

Ian – runner who almost died 
He goes to Kaitlyn first and tells her that he’s there for her. I DIG him. Also because he’s basically putting all his eggs in her basket. If Kaitlyn isn’t the Bachelorette, it’s hard to convince Britt he was “just kidding – I didn’t like Kaitlyn all that much anyway, hahahahahah!”

JJ, 32, Former Investment Banker, Denver 
Former Investment Banker? Former? I’m a former, lots of things. You can’t write that as a current occupation. Fine, I’m a “Former Infant”. He gives Kaitlyn a puck…cause she’s Canadian so she likes hockey and he wants to “puck” her. OK I can’t get behind that.

Ryan M., 28, Junkyard Specialist, Kansas City 
That’s code for homeless. Don’t bother learning too much about him. Dude doesn’t last long.

Bradley, 25, International Auto Shipper, Atlanta 
Code for Mafia

Daniel, 28, Fashion Designer, Nashville 
He’s dancing. So there aren’t many straight male fashion designers. You’re not helping your case, dude.

Josh, stripper 
He’s not exactly downplaying his stripper job.

Joe - already met him (see above)
Southern gentleman seems extra gentleman-ly as he tries to get Kaitlyn messed up on moonshine.

Justin, 28, Fitness Trainer, Illinois 
Seems like a stretch to impress girls with squeaky helium voice, no?

Tanner, 28, Auto Finance Manager, Kansas City 
I think I can get behind him. I’m not sure of his “naked on top of me status”, but he seems decent. (Let’s recap that for those new readers…I’ve discovered the most effective way to judge the quality of a dude is whether I can picture him on top of me naked. It sounds shallow but it’s an amazingly accurate gauge)

Shawn B., 28, Personal Trainer, Connecticut 
There is something super attractive about him. I think it’s because he’s there for Kaitlyn, which clearly I find more endearing (to not pick the obviously hotter one). It’s also because he’s so vocal about it to her – he tells Kaitlyn she’s the reason he’s there…and Britt can hear him. That takes balls. Because if Britt is the Bachelorette, he’s outta there. I dig him.

David, 26, Realtor, Orlando 
No idea.

Corey, 30, Investment Banker, New York 
He asks Kaitlyn if her offer of “letting him plow the fuck out of her field” is still valid. I dig him. But I forget if I’d want him naked on top of me. I’ll get back to you.

Tony, wacko healer 
He says something odd about the universe providing love. Not only is it weird but he also repeats himself word-for-word when talking to Kaitlyn. Dude... Also, everyone stop and close your eyes. Picture him lying on top of you naked. What would he be doing? Moaning, moving much too slow, crying perhaps and then talking about the universe climaxing or some shit. See what I mean? It’s an accurate gauge.

Shawn E, 31, Amateur Sex Coach, Ontario, Canada 
So he’s an Amateur Sex Coach… or in other words: a guy. He wins for the friggin’ hot tub car – that’s phenomenal. But you just don’t date him.

Chris, 28, Dentist, Nashville 
Why is everyone from Nashville? Whose idea was the fucking cupcake car? He doesn’t own that.

So Chris would you be interested in driving a cupcake car into the mansion? Promise me it won't make me look ridiculous? Absolutely. Then OK!

Joshua and Ben Z. come in next and I don’t remember, except to say that I think I liked both of them.

Harrison tells the girls that the guys will choose tonight, who will be the Bachelorette. Will they really kick one off tonight? That’s a bummer. I kind of hope there’s some twist where they let them both stay, or they kick one off, but then she comes back or something?

Cocktail Party 

So much nothing. Fuck this show. It’s killing me. The entire cocktail party was just a lot of Britt being fake as shit, interrupting everyone and Kaitlyn being normal, and a tad masculine. Other highlights:

• Justin tells Britt he has a son named Areola. That might not be correct, actually, but it is now.

•Britt pretends she likes men who already have kids.

 • Wacko Healer tells Britt, when she hugged him, he just needed a hug at that moment. So not only is he a wacko and overly girly and sensitive, but he’s also needy. Attractive!

• The guys start voting by putting roses in the girls’ boxes (snicker snicker)

• Healer says that he went into the voting room, put his hands on the boxes and felt Britt’s box “pulsating”. Not the only thing pulsating for Britt, Healer. IT’S YOUR PENIS.

• Homeless guy gets so drunk he gets kicked out. There is absolutely nothing unique or interesting or funny or entertaining. It’s the SAME SHIT every season.

OK I did enjoy this...

• Kaitlyn’s bird tattoo is to symbolize she values where she comes from. So why not have a Canadian flag or a hockey stick? The bird is a far stretch.

• JJ claims Britt is the prettiest girl he’s ever spoken to. No comment. Well, I will say picturing JJ naked on top of me, wiggling around with the occasional moan is enough to make me lose my lunch.

• JJ claims he fell in love with Britt tonight. Poor guy. This guy’s odds of marrying Britt are about the same odds of Harry Connick Jr. having a torrid affair with me.

• On a scale of one to ten, Melodies-inside-himself guy said that Britt is a billion. You asshole.

• The guys comment how this has got to be agonizing for the girls. Agonizing? That’s a big word. Agonizing should be saved for really agonizing things, like losing a loved one or taking out your contacts after cutting jalapeƱo peppers for dinner.

• A chubby guy in a beret helps guard the girls’ rose boxes while Harrison counts roses…and the verdict is in. Oh wait, no, that happens tonight in a totally unnecessary additional night of this show. Grrr.

• As credits roll, we hear sex coach telling Britt how she needs to be careful when playing with anal sex toys. It needs to have some kind of barrier so it doesn’t get stuck in your bowels. Oddly, this is the most intelligent thing I’ve heard on this show.

See you again tomorrow!