Tuesday, June 30, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap – Off Camera Time = On Vagine Time

I don’t know if Kaitlyn’s vagine can handle much more “off-camera” time. Her brain can’t handle it either – she’s losing her mind, no?

OK we’re down to nine guys: Ben H, Shawn, Nick, Jared, Chris, JJ, Joe, Ben Z., and Tanner. A text from a friend tells me this: They all look like cartoons - they are oddly colored and have giant faces and huge weird hair. How accurate is that?

We left off last week with crybaby Shawn coming into her room to demand why she is kissing other guys when she’s part of a show that is ABOUT kissing a lot of guys. The best part is watching Kaitlyn squirm – she’s terrified that Nick has been waving his penis’ latest antics around the guys’ hotel suite. She’s freaked that Shawn knows about her Nick-banging. When she realizes he doesn’t know, she is so relieved. What is wrong with her? They’ll find out when they WATCH this show, dingbat. If she’s with Shawn, he is NOT going to be pleased.

Shawn tells her that he doesn’t know if he can do this. He is 100% bluffing. If she said, “You’re right. This is too hard for you. You should go.” He’d be all, “I was kidding! Hahaha! I love you don’t dump me I love you.”

She’s feeling bad about humping Nick but she thinks it wasn’t a mistake. She’s guilty about doing it but she’s not sad she did it. That’s the same thing, lady. You shouldn’t have banged Nick and you shouldn’t have TOLD Shawn he was the winner. She makes a lot of dumb moves. She can’t think past her lady boner.


Two on One Date 

JJ and Joe get the two-on-one date. This date is always for the two guys she could lose. She really wouldn’t care if either of them left. She describes JJ as attractive and edgy and I truly wonder if she’s lost her mind. Edgy? The only thing edgy on this show is Jared’s face. These guys are a bunch of pussies.

 My friend (on the left) sent me this halfway through the show. Ha.


No yachts in Ireland, yo. They take a shit ass fishing boat to…here? And park it, sort of.

We’ll just pull up here then? 

JJ hammers his own coffin shut when he admits he cheated on his wife three years ago…and he has a three-year-old daughter. That means he cheated on his wife when she was either pregnant or home with a newborn. I see why she divorced you. Not cool, JJ.

Joe, on the other hand, is adorable here, even with his big forehead. He tells her that she’s one-in-a-million (not sure if that’s meant in a good or bad way) and that he’s falling in love with her and then he chomps at her lips a little. I still dig him, even if one of my readers called him Butthead (from Beavis and Butthead). Just like I still think Shawn is hot even though someone called him Alf. Although Shawn was much hotter before he became a pussy. Take note men – confidence is sexy. Whining and demanding validation is not. That goes for chicks too.

He looks hot here, no?

Back to the date…she says goodbye to JJ who decides to plant the “I’d be a great Bachelor” seed in his exit. “I just want to find someone special. Sigh…” She gives Joe the rose.


Shawn is Sad...Again

Oh no, Shawn is sitting on a bench alone again.

He goes to Kaitlyn’s room AGAIN and I am almost physically assaulting my TV at this point. SHAWN – put your pussy away and suck it up.

So here’s the scoop…a few weeks ago she told Shawn that he was the one. Therefore, Shawn is annoyed because if that is the case, why are you kissing everyone else. So the mistake lies with Kaitlyn telling Shawn this. Also, WHY DID YOU BANG NICK IF YOU THOUGHT SHAWN WAS THE ONE? She is 18, I swear.

Shawn tells Kaitlyn he’s feeling insecure, and she’s thrilled he still doesn’t know about Nick. She gets a little pissy pants at his pussiness and tells him she shouldn’t have reassured him so much. She says that if they’re going to happen, she has to finish the show and meet other families, etc. She has a point. Too bad she didn’t think of that point before she humped Nick and told Shawn she would choose him.

Shawn sounds like Elvis when he talks.


Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony 

I’m so over this. She makes the rounds, doing one-on-one time with all of them and making out with ALL of them. Oddly Nick cries but I’m not sure about what. Ben H. also has complaints but neither Kaitlyn nor me or the entire viewing audience knows what exactly that is. There are some other conversations but it’s all the same shit. Let’s move on.

So JJ left earlier…Nick, Jared and Joe already have roses. The other three roses go to Ben H., Chris and Shawn.

Therefore, Ben Z. and Tanner head home. Tanner going home was a no-brainer, although I will miss his voice of reason. Maybe he could stay and be a commentator? I have no clue why she boots Ben Z before Dentist Chris. That’s just weird. Ben Z is hot. On the way out, he also turns on his Bachelor audition: “Having that forever love is everything to me. It’s the only thing I need. I just gotta find her…I’m trying. Sigh.”

Finally down to six guys, so I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

She meets the six remaining guys at a big green bus and tells them they’re making a road trip to Killarney. But Jared gets to ride in the Mini Cooper with Kaitlyn. Little does he know the bus is a LOT safer. She is a terror behind the wheel. Can she not judge the distance from the car to the curb? Is her vagina driving? We know her vagina lacks judgment, so it would make sense.

Jared feels like this is just a road trip with his girlfriend! Totally! I love those road trips when my boyfriend hops out at the end and bangs a few other guys.

They arrive at the Blarney Stone and kiss it for good luck. This is right up Kaitlyn’s alley! She even has to be on her back for it! (For the record, I don’t bash Kaitlyn for humping. I bash Kaitlyn for humping on a show when it fucks it all up when she humps one of them. And for telling one guy he was the chosen one and humping a different guy that same week. Basically, I don’t bash her vagine. I bash her decision-making skills)


Harrison is in Ireland! 

 Harrison tells Kaitlyn that she is going to narrow it down to three guys this week. He tells her it’s unfair she humped Nick without humping the others. So he’s going to give her fantasy suite dates with those three guys to level the playing field (her vagine). After she has “off-camera time” (aka on-vagine time) with the remaining three guys, she will meet two of their families. He basically wants to limit the number of families who have to be exposed to Kaitlyn. That was mean.

He tells the guys the news and then gives Chris the next date card (aka the execution card).


Chris Date 

This is such a formality – just a way to get rid of him. He says, “I feel so lucky she chose me for this date.” Um you shouldn’t.

He claims what’s happening with Kaitlyn is as close to magic as you can get. How can he be so delusional? The date is painfully awkward. She eases the awkwardness by kissing him before she boots him. Odd decision. Again.

Eventually, she tells him to go. She makes it ALL about her, saying he’s perfect but she just doesn’t feel it. She tells him that he’s everything she wants in someone but she doesn’t fully see it and she doesn’t know why. I know why: It’s because she can’t picture him naked on top of her.

Chris is SAD and almost decides to end it all by jumping off the Cliffs of Moher. A lady producer sort of steps in, but dentist pulls it together. Sort of.

Previews for next week: Guess what? She’s STILL FUCKING TALKING about her “mistake” with Nick. They edit it like she tells the guys she humped Nick. She doesn’t, I’m sure. Just editing to make us watch because this season sucks the big one. The good news is we’re down to five guys!

I am getting more excited for Bachelor in Paradise, though. August 2nd premiere!

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - And now, Kaitlyn presents you....her Vagine

Where we left off…
Ian is ripping into Kaitlyn. She holds it together…too much. I would’ve said, “You know what? Fuck off, you fucking sack of horse shit.” Ian goes on and on about how shallow she is and that she’s just there to make out with guys. He leaves and in the limo says, “I just want to have sex.” Really? Anyone else see a strange Hi-Pot-I’m-Kettle-You’re-Black thing going on?

It kills me that he thinks he’s so deep. He’s fucking boring and waaaaay too serious. I can’t even begin to think about how boring it would be to date him. He’d be all, “So the situation in Darfur is getting serious.” And I’d be all, “Yo, let’s do shots! Did you see the new Dumb and Dumber movie? Hilar!”

Kaitlyn wraps it up with, “I’m disappointed in how you approached this, you don’t appreciate who I am, and you actually feel good about this?” So THIS is when I start to get behind Kaitlyn – this is all rational. Then she goes and fucks Nick and creates a fake funeral and I want to punch her again.

Nick consoles her by sticking his tongue in her mouth, so I guess that works?

Jared is pointy. And Shawn is shiny. And pissed off. And about two episodes away from a DEFCON 5 meltdown.


Rose Ceremony 

Really? At the Alamo? Do we have to shit all over the history of the Alamo? Harrison is proud this is taking place in his home state. Way to try and make this show about you for one second. Ain’t gonna happen.

Ben H, Shawn and Nick already have roses. The rest go to:

Jared – Not Subway Jared. Pointy. Scruffy.
Chris – Despite being cute, he has zero sex appeal. Zero.
JJ – Still just so gross. Come on Kaitlyn.
Joe – He was quiet this week, which means he’s on the way out. But I like him.
Ben Z – Really big and cute. I could get behind him.
Tanner – Nope. Cute and normal but again...soooo not naked-on-top-of-me material.

Ben: Me so happy I get rose!


Therefore, the following dudes are going home.

Ian – In case that wasn’t clear.
Justin – Yup, not a real shocker here.
Joshua – The hot welder who acted like a 10-year-old.

Joshua is MORE upset about Nick being there than about actually leaving himself. If Nick left with him, I can totally see him saying, “Oh Nick’s leaving too? Phew, ok then. No biggie. Back to welding I go!”

Ireland 

They head to Ireland and we find out visiting Dublin has always been on her bucket list because it has pubs and churches. Lord help us. They get to Dublin and they get to shack up in the very fancy, very Irish Radisson. The first one-on-one date is with Nick, and Shawnie pants is NOT pleased. I’m watching him like a ticking time bomb.

Nick is excited about his date. He says, “Looks like I just got lucky in Dublin.” So right here, I could make a joke about “Yeah Nick will be saying that again in a few minutes”, BUT ITS SO FUCKING PREDICTABLE and I’m SO OVER this show.

Nick and Kaitlyn walk all over the place just friggin mauling each other’s mouths. It’s truly almost uncomfortable to watch. I get it – I’ve been there before. You can’t keep your hands off each other. And it’s normal to bang someone you’re dating. I don’t bash her for making out or having sex…but I just think if it was me and I was on TV, knowing that not only my parents were watching but all the other dudes, I might just censor a bit more. I don’t know. I think she’s horny and doesn’t think things through and a tad dumb, but I truly don’t hate on her too much. I do hate on this show though – it’s just always the same and it never really works out in the end and the lame group dates are enough to push me over the edge.


WE GET IT SHE HATES BIRDS. Nick says, “So we’re probably never going to a park again.” Seriously, I like him. How is that possible? I don’t love him and I don’t want him naked on top of me, but he’s coming across as much less smarmy than he did last season. Isn’t that weird? I can’t explain it. He’s kind of funny and normal-ish.

Nick claims, “We’re drawn to each other, so I’m excited to see where this goes. Or maybe I should say, I’m excited to see where my penis goes in about an hour. Zing!”

They walk around Dublin getting wasted and fondling each other and it sounds like an awesome day, actually. They do some Irish dancing and the street people are not happy with them. Nick then pins her against a wall and jams his penis into her hip. Good lord.

This does not look safe.


I think Kaitlyn’s oval shaped teeth bother me.

Their dinner conversation:

Nick: Slurp slurp slurp I’m DYING to get my penis in you
Kaitlyn: I knooooow. Slurp, slurp, slurrrrrrp.

That’s it, seriously. She gives him the rose and then…her vagine.

She blatantly makes the first move, asking him to come to her hotel room. Once in the room, she walks him into the private bedroom, where she oddly doesn’t turn off her microphone? That seems like an odd oversight. She is heavily breathing and they play that sound, at the same time as Jared and Shawn talking by the fire about how sad they are.

Nick leaves the next morning and she’s all smiley and talking to herself on the balcony. She’s pretty forthcoming about the fact they had sex. At least she’s not being all dumb and trying to hide it. However, I do not comprehend how she’s not the slightest bit worried about how the guys will react when they see this episode. She begins to freak about the possibility of Nick telling the other guys THAT DAY, but hello? What about once you’re engaged, most likely to someone else, and then he watches this? She can’t think two feet in front of her vagine.

Nick tells the guys about their date, leaving out all the details about his tongue play, his dry humping against pillars and the actual vagine penetration. However, I suspect all the guys know the truth. I mean, they HAVE met her before…


Group Date 

Group date is for Tanner, Ben Z, Shawn, Jared, Ben H. and Chris. Is there a shortage of things to do in Dublin? So they have to pretend Kaitlyn is dead? And make toasts to her in a casket? This might be the dumbest fucking idea of them all.

I didn’t hear the requirement that the toasts had to rhyme, but whatever. The guys do a somewhat funny job, but I’m just annoyed in general now. Ben Z asks the guys to leave and does a nice, somber-ish toast to Kaitlyn. He admits it was hard for him because his mom died a tragic death when he was young. Kaitlyn says, “I wanted this date about death to be light-hearted and FUN. I had no idea it would be sad for someone whose mom died. Geesh, he’s such a buzz kill.”

The after party is boring. Ben Z bonds with her, Jared kisses her awkwardly, but somehow earns the rose. She takes him to a special concert in a church by the Cranberries, and I realize I hate this song every bit as much as I did 25 years ago.

After that, Shawnie gets dangerously close to a full-fledged breakdown. He leaves the group and bonds with a producer of some sort. He says, “You’re the guy I talk to most around here.” Wait, what? They go get beers with the crew? What the fuck? That seems like a violation of some sort. So Shawn tells him that Kaitlyn sat on his bed for seven hours and told him that he was The One. Soooo…I have questions. Why didn’t they show ANY of that? Why would she say that to him? Why are they just SITTING on the bed? Have you ever SAT on a bed before for an extended period of time? It seriously hurts your back. They should’ve just laid down and humped too.

Anyhoo, Shawn tells the guy he’s super pissed and doesn’t think he could handle it anymore. He can’t handle this and he doesn’t even know Kaitlyn and Nick banged? How will he handle the fantasy suite? By the way, the more he gets all sad and weepy about this, the less I want him naked on top of me.

He gets secret producer permission to visit her in her sex den. He walks in and they greet each other all nice-like (very unlike the previews where he storms in and says, “Don’t you know what we have?!” Fucking producers, seriously.)

So they are sitting on the couch and he’s about to tell her how hard this is for her…but it’s the end of the show. I’ll just tell you what happens next week. He’ll get all weepy, and she’ll convince him to hang in there and it’ll be worth it in the end. Then they’ll make out and he’ll walk out and say, “She really comforted me and made me feel confident in what we have.” Bleeeeeah.

The end. See you next week, friends!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - Ian Sucks but Shawn does not. Mama Like.

Let’s first address Chris and Whitney. People have asked me what I think? Shit, I don’t know. I don’t know these two. My guess is that he turned into a bit of a douche bag when he thought he was famous on Dancing with the Stars. But there was no way he was humping his dance partner – she was too young and hot. Also, he never really liked Whitney anyway. She was his second choice so it wasn’t going to be long until that died.

People have also been asking me about the Kaitlyn snapchap drama. For the record, I don’t even know what the shit snapchat is. But apparently this weekend, Kaitlyn accidentally posted a picture of her and a dude from the show in bed. She quickly deleted it but people took screenshots and reposted it. Don’t Google it or you’ll see the possible winner. The question is…was that the winner and she really is that stupid or is it all a stunt? We will see.

Onto the show. Nick walks himself into the guys’ hotel suite and does this:



Gee, that’s not staged at all. It’s Awkward City. The guys grill him and most of them hate him. Actually, Shawn and Joshua hate him, and the rest of the guys probably don’t care but it’s edited so it looks like they all hate him. Dare I say it, but Nick is actually coming across as…sincere? Holy moly.


Cocktail Party 

“The Citi Field? Great idea! Oh wait, it’s 20 degrees out? Whatever. It’ll be funny to watch the guys freeze!”

JJ runs the bases with her and he certainly doesn’t need to worry about tripping on his pant legs, as his pants end about six inches above his ankle. Also, he still sort of nauseates me.

Shawn and Kaitlyn have a chit chat and he is NOT pleased. He claims this whole Nick thing is making him crawl back into his shell. Dudes don’t usually say things about crawling into shells. But because I friggin love him, I will forgive him. Kaitlyn says to trust her and he says her actions aren’t lining up with her words. That’s pretty spot on. I do kind of agree that if she really liked those dudes, she wouldn’t keep wanting to see more of what’s out there. Or maybe this is just called being 26 and nobody on the show is ACTUALLY ready to get married. Just a thought.


Rose Ceremony 

So last week, Clint was kicked out and Nick was brought in. So we haven’t gotten rid of anyone. Basically nobody since the show started five weeks ago.

Justin, Jared and Chris already have roses. The rest go to:

Ben H. – Peter Brady
Ben Z. – Hulk. But I like.
Shawn – My future second husband.
Tanner – Kind of cute, kind of nerdy, kind of annoying.
Joe – There’s something super sexy about him. I don’t know.
Ian – Asshole who thinks he’s much more amazing than he really is.
JJ - Short pants, gay, missing Clint and still yucky.
Joshua – cute welder who acts like he’s in high school
Nick – Reentry dude. Formally banged Andi.

Therefore the following three guys get sent home. There are still too many guys:

Corey – Nerdy Banker
Jonathan – Boy bander
Ryan – A realtor maybe? He wore gay scarves.

Good lord, is that 12 guys remaining? How are we going to wrap this up in five weeks? Maybe there will be a group revolt when she humps that mystery guy?


Ben H. Date 

They all head to San Antonio, and Kaitlyn’s first date is a one-on-one date with Ben H. Kaitlyn picks him up and they drive through town to an old dance hall. Kaitlyn is all, “I love Texas, y’all! It’s sort of Mexican but we’re in Texas! I like tacos!”

They take dance lessons from the world champion of the two-step, which apparently isn’t a title that forces you to be busy, since she teaches dorks how to dance on a reality show. Ben H. doesn’t even look at Kaitlyn when they dance and I’m BORED, people.

They dance, they get eliminated and there seems to be very little connection here. Kaitlyn says, “If we don’t have good chemistry on the dance floor, then…I don’t know.” They don’t exactly TRY to make her look smart, do they?

At dinner later on, he tries to bond with her about his ex and I don’t really follow the story…but I THINK he was a total whipped pussy. He actually seems like that guy – the guys who seems all normal and cute and then you date him and he goes a little cling-balls on you.

She makes out with him and gives him the rose. Shocker.


Group Date 

This week’s humiliating group date is for Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z, Joshua and Nick. If I were one of these dudes, I would seriously consider telling the producers to fuck off. Enough with the embarrassing dates – I bet even the producers are bored with them.

It turns out the guys have to write and sing mariachi songs to Kaitlyn, while wearing the outfit, in front of an entire town of people. 12-year-old Sebastian is quite the little love machine. Despite his suave-ness, I definitely do not want him naked on top of me.

I dig Joe’s “Will you mariachi me?” line, and Nick’s voice is so horrendous that it’s funny. JJ, Jared and everyone else sucks. This includes Ian, who oddly continues to sell himself as a singer. Is he fucking serious? For real, he is terrible. Terrible.

At the “everyone wear plaid” after-party, Joshua asks Kaitlyn to cut his hair. Apparently, she is not qualified to do this.

Joshua makes the age-old Bachelor mistake of taking his one-on-one time to bash on another dude. He tells Kaitlyn that everyone hates Nick. She runs to the group and tells them what Joshua said. He is mortified…and more so when everyone acts like they don’t know what he’s talking about. They totes just hung him out to dry. Also, Joshua is cute, but he acts like a 16-year-old high school boy who has never had a girlfriend.

Also, Joshua likes to refer to his “male intuition”. I’ve never heard of that before. Isn’t that just code for penis? So his penis is telling him Nick is a bad dude?


Shawn Date 

They kayak around San Antonio, which just looks tiring, honestly. And Kaitlyn hates it because her tongue needs to be in another dude’s mouth every three minutes or she starts to twitch and that’s hard to do on a kayak.

They make out in the grass. Then they get showered and make out on a porch swing. Shawn opens up to her by telling her about a big car accident he had. He even cries about it. He then tells her he’s falling in love with her. She says she is too. I am too. And I want him naked on top of me STAT.


Cocktail Party 

Kaitlyn toasts to honesty…we’ll see how you feel about that toast next week when you hump someone and lie about it. There’s no way she really tells the guys about that, right?

The whole cocktail party is about Ian. He says Kaitlyn isn’t as hot as his ex. He says he has a lot of sex in regular life and never has a problem getting girls. He’s a very eligible bachelor. He’s a gift you unwrap for life. He’s a Princeton grad and he defied death. He’s smart and he’s traveled the world.

Here’s my take on Ian. He’s a fucking asshole. His ego is a little bruised because Kaitlyn doesn’t like him, so he dumps her before she can do it. He needs to tear her down in the process to make himself feel better. I don’t give a shit about his education or his athletic ability, or his travel ability. I don’t care that he’s successful. And I tell my kids this - More than anything, I want them to be happy, kind and fun to be around. Ian is none of these things. And Kaitlyn bugs me, but I would rather live with her for the rest of my life than fucking Ian with his big Princeton brain, but an asshole attitude, fake confidence and zero-fun personality.

He pulls Kaitlyn aside and tells her he hates making fart jokes with dudes. This alone makes me hate him. Way to have FUN, dude. Fucking relax. He says she only wants to make out with guys and that he sees her as a surface level person. He says, “I wonder if you’re really that shallow.” I wonder if Ian is really that much of an asshole. If he was a catch - a nice, kind and fun guy, he would never need to tear her apart like that. He’d just leave with quiet confidence. Instead, he tries to lift himself by being a dick to her. I bet he only bangs lame girls in real life. If a girl is a real catch – fun to be with and nice, she would be bored by his fucking douche bag attitude and lack of personality.

Look, Kaitlyn isn’t curing cancer. But fuck, neither am I. You don’t have to be super smart or accomplished or traveled to be a nice, fun person. Kaitlyn’s got some annoyances, but she’s way better than Ian.

You guys seriously, I’m barely funny anymore – I’m just all soapbox-y and lecture-y. Is it because I’m 40 now? Fuck! No, I’ll blame this shitty show and this rough season. Until next week, people!

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - Warning - Angry Recap Ahead

I’m dying here, people. This is PAINFUL. And I want to punch Kaitlyn in the head. She just wants to make out and hump. She’s the tiniest bit trashy, no?

She confronts Clint and he talks his way into her good graces. However, the editors dub in the words, “I’m done” and she walks him out. Some seriously shitty editing – this show is such a fucking joke.

She walks Clint out and passes all the guys. JJ turns on Clint and asks him to apologize for wasting everyone’s time. Clint is pissed and I’ve never seen so much sexual tension between two men as they fight. Could they BE standing any closer to each other? My god. They are both super gay and super nauseating.

Where will my penis park itself tonight if Clint isn't here?


They bicker in the hallway and I’m convinced they’re about to make out. But Clint leaves and JJ cries like a little bitch. He’s definitely in love with Clint. He is definitely sexually confused. He also slaps himself, which is odd. Everyone then comes down on JJ for throwing his buddy Clint under the bus. Everyone hates JJ.

Kaitlyn decides not to have a rose ceremony, which is so stupid. Are we EVER getting rid of these guys? They head to New York.


Group Date #1 

The first group date is for Jonathan (boy band), Justin (overly muscular), Ben Z (mama like), Corey (nerdy financial guy), Ryan (I fear he’s a big dork), Tanner (smart and cute, but not naked-on-top-of-me cute), JJ (gross-o-rama), Shawn (Alf lookalike – I didn’t say it, but it’s not far off. I still want to hump him)

Were you born in a barn? Get your feet off the damn coffee table. Geesh. 


“Kaitlyn? Hi it’s producer Bob. Before today’s date, we need you to take a boat ride. We feel we’re missing some footage of you with your hair blowing in the wind. Mmmm kay?”

Kaitlyn says this date will show her if the guys can make fun of themselves. For the fucking love of God, haven’t they made enough fun of themselves? This shit is so ridiculous. You guys, I think we need to boycott this show.

Scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas – Doug E. Fresh hosts a rap battle and I host a throwing shit at my TV battle because I hate this show. The guys write one-sentence roasts against the other guy they’re battling. It’s not funny or entertaining at all. But Shawn flashed his abs so that was nice. And we learned JJ listens to “Broadway show tunes religiously.” I mean, come on. Let’s just hammer the gay nail into the coffin already.

Nick is in the audience. Kaitlyn is BEYOND giddy when she sees him. I hate her. Despite the fact they’ve never met in person or talked on an actual phone before, Nick claims they always had good conversations. Ummm, via text? I hate them both. But it turns out she can decide if he joins the show or not. Of course he will. Another dude to keep her vagine company.

The rap battle after-party is on a boat and she does a horrible job explaining to the guys that another dude might join the “cast”. She says she just wants to talk to the guys about it. What a fucking idiot. What does she THINK they’d say? Why would they want another dude on there? Well, JJ might. But this is clearly a decision she has to make and then she just has to tell the guys. Come on.

She goes outside to make out with Pube Head, Nick and I’m now running angry laps around my living room. GRRRRRRRR. Side note: If Nick ends up the winner of this show, I guaran-fucking-tee that never, in a million years, will they get married.

Justin tells her it’s OK with him if Nick comes back on the show. So he gets the rose. OMG.

The guys get back to the hotel suite and tell the other guys about Nick. Tanner says that it creates a raincloud. You know what creates a raincloud for me? Tanner saying that something creates a raincloud. Gross, dude.

Before her next date, she gets her hair done by crazy Ashley from last season who is wearing more makeup than I’ve actually ever seen placed on a human face before. Also, is this an attempt to normalize her? She’s acting stoned. She brings up the good point of lust being fleeting, so I’ll give her that but she looks like she’s strongly medicated.

 "I'm sorry, I have a hard time following. I'm drugged like a circus elephant."


After her hair thing, Kaitlyn meets Nick again in the street for some tongue play and tells him to stay on the show. Shocking.


Jared Date 

Cute, young Jared with his pointy teeth has to rub one out before his date with Kaitlyn or he’s likely to expunge his sperm all over the Met. He is THAT excited to be with her. She of course, is only thinking about Nick, but somehow finds the energy to pretend she likes Jared.

He writes her a poem. No no no no no no no no. This is SO not attractive. He reads it to her, but it sort of sounds like he’s reading assembly instructions for an IKEA bed. Very informational-like.

After dinner, they take a helicopter ride that apparently only circles the Statue of Liberty for a few hours. Jared claims this is the night he’ll look back and say he fell in love with Kaitlyn. Oh boy. She gives him the rose and he has an orgasm on it. Not really.


Group Date #2 

Before the next group date, she tells all the guys about Nick. She says to them, “Nick will be moving into my vagine tonight. Oops, I mean he’s moving into the hotel room tonight. My bad! Hahahah! I totes didn’t mean to say that. He’ll be moving into the hotel tonight. He’s not moving into my vagina until tomorrow.”

The second group date is for Ian (black-ish, ex-runner), Chris (overly smiley and nerdy dentist), Joe (Southern guy I like for some reason), Joshua (hot welder but totally immature) and Ben H. Peter Brady).

Apparently, theater is a big part of Kaitlyn’s life. Despite the fact this has never, ever been uttered by her and it’s not actually true, they needed a Broadway date. ONCE AGAIN, the show humiliates the guys by forcing them to sing and dance as an audition, despite the fact their parts in the play tonight include zero singing or dancing. Or talking at all. Or moving.

Kaitlyn is impressed, saying, “The guys show me time after time that they’ll do whatever it takes.” Umm, because you’re forcing them to do it?

They all suck. Ian actually says these words. They actually come out of his mouth: “I’m a man of many talents and singing is one of them.” WHY WHY WHY would you ever say anything remotely like this? Ever? Chris is oddly declared the winner.

Back at the hotel room, the guys are STILL talking about Nick. This is truly the longest episode ever. STOP talking about it. My god.

Chris and Kaitlyn make out backstage a little and they win for least sexual chemistry in a kiss EVER. Anywhere. Ever. They finally go on stage for their 10 second, non-speaking parts. Afterwards, Chris claims, “You were perfect!” Yeaaah, so a houseplant could have played that part. They finish the date with a sweaty hike up 50 stories to the New Years Eve ball, which is in storage and could use a polish, quite frankly.

Back at the hotel Nick comes in the door, but of course we have to wait until next week to find out how that goes. Also, I’m SO SAD there was no rose ceremony this week. When will it all end? Don’t we have to narrow it down at some point? Shit, we just keep adding guys. At this rate, Kaitlyn’s vagine won’t be able to handle this season.

The end. Britt and Brady still together, and I love it because it proves what a sham this show really is. Me need a drink. See you next week!

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap – I'd take Yama on me naked over JJ

I know I’ve said before that I’m over this show. I know I’ve been watching it for far too long. So maybe this is a biased opinion, but was last night’s show not THE WORST of all time? We just jumped the shark, people. It’s BAD. Also here is a screen shot of my blog folder. OMG.


I don’t know if that’s depressing or impressive. Either way, I sense retirement is near, people. This shit is terrible and I’m 40. Fuck!

OK enough about me. Let’s get started. Punjab is still losing his shit over being kicked out. Kaitlyn comes outside to bitch him out. He’s embarrassed, then quiets down, then he mutters that he doesn’t even like her after she leaves. What a pussy. Also, was it just me, but I couldn’t understand 90% of what he was saying.

Kaitlyn comes inside and says to the camera, “I went through a range of emotions. I was angry and then I was more angry.” If that fucking sentence doesn’t sum up this show, I don’t know what does.

Oh and after this drama, JJ claims that you can’t be certain about anything here. Actually, that’s wrong. I’m still 100% certain I would vomit if you were wriggling around on top of me naked.


Rose Ceremony 

So JJ, Clint and Ben Z. already have roses. She gives the remaining 47 roses to:

Jared – Not from Subway. Seems nice and cute-ish. I think he’s short.
Ben H – Peter Brady
Shawn – Ryan Gosling, but OMG he’s so hot! Why do I love him? Mmmm mama like.
Jonathan – Boy bander
Tanner – Nerdy auto guy; probably just your friend, not lover
Chris dentist – Seriously, Kaitlyn?
Ryan – Almost no idea at all who this is. For reals.
Justin – Yuckers. OK Seems normal, but I think his teeth are yellow.
Ian – Really nice black dude, seems normal but I fear he may make love slow and methodical-like. He probably stops a lot to ask, “Is this ok?” Shudder.
Joshua – Hot welder with zero experience with women. He’s cute but I think he’s as mature as a ten year old.
Joe – My hot southern dude. I LIKE him.
Corey – I had to go to the ABC website to see who the hell this was. He’s an investment banker. Does that help?
Tony – He’s missing his bonsai trees. He’s also fucking crazy. You’re not a Zen hippy. You’re crazy.

Therefore, Cory and Daniel are sent home, along with Kupah (Punjab). Cory was cute. Kaitlyn says there was just something that told her he needed to be with his daughter. That would be YOU not wanting to inherit a kid. That’s what told you. Yourself. You told you.

So that brings us into this week’s show with a whopping 16 guys left. Holy crap.


Group Date #1 

Two massive Sumo wrestlers park their Tesla outside the mansion and then ride bikes into the mansion, just for effect. They SOMEHOW sneak 1100 pounds of Japanese men, along with a full camera crew into the guys’ bedroom without waking them up. They then proceed to bash gongs in their faces.

Harrison tells the guys that these two dudes are sumo wrestlers and Yama is the biggest Japanese man ever. Like, ever. This isn’t an accomplishment. That’s obesity. But whatevs. I guess it’s impressive when you compare it to American obesity – we easily double Yama’s 600 pounds.

 Not small.


Also, JJ is excited for this date because he likes sushi. (?)

So this date is for JJ, Clint, Chris, Tony, Joe and Shawn. However, the wrestling training takes place on a mat in the mansion driveway, so everyone gets to watch. The guys take off their robes - and their asses, anuses, testicles, you name it – everything is hanging out. The show is a joke, yes, but why do they seriously have to humiliate them every date and make them do these violent dates? It’s so stupid.

 Pixelated Yami Ass

Tony is super excited – he says he’s ready to pummel the sumo guy. However, he gets completed murdered by Sumo Yami, as do all the guys and he THEN freaks out about how violent dates are bad. I agree with him about the violent dates, but he wouldn’t be saying that if he didn’t just get his ASS KICKED. He spends the next hour walking around, bitching about how dumb these aggressive dates are. He said he’s into peace and love…but didn’t he just say he wanted to pummel Yami? Also, for a guy who is super ZEN and likes to hump his own plants, he has a legitimate anger problem. Calm down, dude.

The guys are now forced to sumo wrestle each other in a ring in front of actual people. With their testicles still hanging out. Scott Hamilton is the MC, I think. Kaitlyn wrestles Yami first, which means he picks her up and swings her around. What I wouldn’t have paid to see him fucking pick her up and throw her ass down.

Joe is called up to wrestle and shakes his ass. He says to the camera, “These activities are to see who she can have fun with.” Country boy is the smartest one there, yo. And that’s hot.

Clint is a roided up asshole and “wins”, but to me he looks like an ass. Meanwhile, back at the house of no shirts, Tony is STILL bitching. So he finally packs up and leaves. Goodbye Gypsy soul. He says, “I’m not a quitter, I’m walking away on my own terms.” Umm, pretty sure that’s just quitting?

At the sumo wrestling after-party (which Yami was oddly not invited to…), dentist Chris rubs his pearly whites all over Kaitlyn’s teeth. Then Shawn tells her he’s been thinking about her a lot, etc. I’ve been thinking about YOU a lot, Shawn. They kiss too, and she gives him the rose…


Ben Z Date 

Ben Z. gets the one-on-one date this week. Harrison has decided to plan this date instead of Kaitlyn…or should I say the producers planned this date, like they do all the others but they just had the ABC intern sign the note “Chris Harrison” instead of “Kaitlyn”.

Relationships are like dark basements filled with snakes and terrifying pigeons, so in order to see if you two are meant to be, you need to find your way out of a dungeon. Makes perfect sense.

Kaitlyn hates birds. Yes, she has bird tattoos. A lot of people brought this up last night and I agree it’s completely odd. Why would you have something you hate tattooed on yourself? I wouldn’t have JJ or squirrels or people who chew with their mouths open tattooed on me.

They have 45 minutes to get out of the dark room or they will gas them Auschwitz-style. Sorry, too soon for Auschwitz jokes. SOMEHOW, they succeed and despite the lack of Internet connection, they make it out alive!

Sorry, folks. Internet’s closed. The moose out front should have told you. (anyone?) 

Kaitlyn brings Ben Z. back to her house, where Ben is impressed she feels comfortable enough to bring him to HER HOUSE. Ummm, are we not admitting that you don’t actually live there? It’s just the big place you stay while you film? Ben tells Kaitlyn the story about walking his dog the morning his mom died and it’s heartbreaking. He didn’t cry that day and hasn’t cried since. Ummm, nobody else see a red flag with that? The dude is emotionally frozen. Dammit! He seems so nice and hot too! Kaitlyn will make him cry somehow this season and he’ll have THIS SHOW to thank for making him less-robot-like. They hot tub, he gets the rose, blaaaah. Ben says that Kaitlyn is the type of woman his mom would like to see him with. Cue Mom rolling over in grave.


Group Date #2 

Group Date two is for Jonathan, Ben H., Joshua, Ryan, Jared and Tanner. They ride a short bus to a school where they are told they have to teach sex education to a bunch of kids. So last week an animal rescue place came to speak at my kids’ school and they sent a note home telling the parents. I wondered if this school sent the same note home. “Dear Parents, The ABC show, the Bachelorette, is coming to Parkwood Elementary! The show is about 16 men who bang the same woman simultaneously. Well, on Monday, six of those men will be speaking to your kids about penises, sex, vaginas and tampons! Please let us know if you have any concerns.”

Ryan tells the kids (who turned out to be child actors), that stimulating the clitoris is what makes a girl want to have sex with you again. Joshua tells the girls their uterus dies and falls out of them every month. And Ben H tells the kids that sperm looks like him and has to travel through a maze of desks to get to the egg. So that’s a job well done.

Meanwhile back at the house, we see Clint and JJ’s bromance blossoming. It’s not a gay thing, like they wanted us to believe. They are just too massive, massive dorks with nothing else to do but cook together, play guitar together and occasionally jerk each other off. No big deal. Clint says he’s connected with JJ more than Kaitlyn and they’ve gotten really close…maybe too close, “like in the shower”. OK so maybe it is a gay thing.

Back to the date…at the after-party, Kaitlyn takes turns making out with all the dudes…except Joshua, oddly. Chris is trying to talk to her about youth shelters or something but she’s just hanging onto him waiting for his tongue to dive into her mouth. Jared tells her that he likes working with kids. Liar – nobody LIKES kids, duh. But they make out and dance and Jared says he’d be confused if he didn’t get the rose. Every season this happens people: HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW that she is “connecting” with all of them? Every season one guy is just SHOCKED that she actually likes another guy! On a show that is ABOUT dating 20 guys? Me hate this show.

She gives Ben H. the rose…Jared SAD.


Cocktail Party 

Highlights:

• JJ’s douche-level is through the roof tonight
• Clint says he doesn’t like Kaitlyn but he’s going to lie and make her give him a rose so he can continue to stay in the house and rub JJ’s penis at night.
• She kisses Justin? Oy.
• The guys all bitch about JJ and Clint to Kaitlyn. She finally goes to confront Clint, BUT??? We have to wait until next week to see it happen. They have to make legitimate cliffhangers now because they know it’s the only way to keep people coming back to this shit show.

See you next week!