Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - I'm just happy it's over

Harrison – stop it with your “most shocking season finale” bullshit. We’re onto you. You’re full of shit and we all know it. She chose a guy and they got engaged – absolutely nothing shocking about it. Grrrr.

Is that a half shirt?


Nick Meets Kaitlyn’s Family 

Kaitlyn is happy to be back in Los Angeles. Mostly because of that sweet house she gets to bunk in. Also, being in LA means she got a fresh manicure and some darker hair. She’s chatting with her family who also get to play in that sweet house, and they ask her if she’s in love with two guys. She says yes and they reply, “Oh Katie…” Funny how two words perfectly sum up this show.

For some unknown reason, she TELLS her family that she banged Nick. I get that she’s not a kid anymore but you never ever ever ever tell your dad you have sex. When I told my dad I was pregnant, I started it off by saying, “I’m not sure how it happened, but…”

They’re oddly not surprised or interested in this news at all. Par for the course, perhaps? Kaitlyn’s mom is SUPER snazzy with those 1984 earrings but I appreciate her effort. She is NOT pleased that Nick is one of the final two because she has prejudged him based on last season. How RUDE to judge people based on what they only see on TV. Oh wait.

Nick mumbles and cries through his talk with Mom Leslie and once again, he’s really helping out his reputation from his last season. He’s coming across as nice and normal, minus the mumbling. Sister Haley tells us that she can’t see Kaitlyn with Nick because it’s out of the norm for her. For some reason, it’s comforting to me that Kaitlyn has a “norm”.

Leslie asks Nick to explain Kaitlyn’s sexual attraction to him and I miss the rest because I’m under my couch. I can’t, people. I can’t. We do not talk to parents about sex. Repeat after me. Never ever ever. I think I’m still scarred from the time my mom told me that my dad “was really neat” at having sex. I just threw up.

Nick convinces her parents he’s a good guy and they give him their blessing to propose. Besides the fact he cries too much and sounds like he always has salad in his mouth, I don’t hate him.


Shawn Meets Kaitlyn’s Family 

Leslie is concerned that Shawn is the jealous type. Wow you THINK? Yes, valid concern. Yup.

Leslie pulls Shawn away because she wants to talk to Shawn about her daughter’s intimacy with Nick. This marks the first time in six weeks I am truly excited about this show. YES YES YES Leslie! Go! ASK HIM how he feels about the fact his girlfriend fucked Nick in a sexual frenzy because she is SO attracted to him. DO it!

She brings it up and expresses her concerns saying that Kaitlyn is a big personality and people are drawn to her, and to her vagine. How will he handle that in the future? He says once they’re committed he won’t be jealous. I WANT to believe him but his overall demeanor of freaking out points to some confidence issue, no? That probably won’t subside.

Haley tells Kaitlyn that she’s “on team Shawn” and I decide I’m on Team Haley. Chick is fun and normal. Meanwhile, Shawn is on a fucking bender! He is SELLING himself hardcore here with lots of buzzwords about being “an established man” and “loving your daughter” and “not psycho” and matching shirts with Kaitlyn’s Dad.


Last Date with Nick 

THIS Date! Now we’re talking! Finally a yacht and champagne! Count me in! Ummm until I get sick watching them because the waves are so insane. Puke.

Nick raves about their incredible connection that “never seems to fade away.” Umm, over the last three weeks? Well done, you guys. Definitely stands the test of time. They head to dinner at some weird hobbit house, where Nick tells her he has a present for her and it’s in his bedroom. There are sooooo many joke possibilities here, ranging from, is it a Dick in the Box or Shawn’s decapitated head to his penis inside her vagine to a full-blown scrapbook, of course. So I’m just not going to make any joke at all.

Gift turns out to be a framed picture (a cute one, actually) with a horrendous poem? Words of some kind, I don’t know. I like it because it’s not a fucking scrapbook. And I REALLY hope it’s on her nightstand when Shawn comes over later.


Last Date with Shawn 

Shawn’s extreme monotone voice now bothers me. Why is this so awkward? She claims, “I wish I could be honest with him about what’s going through my head but I can’t or he’ll kill himself.” She didn’t say that. But for some reason, this is annoying, awkward city. Oh I know why…because she picks him and the producers are trying to make it seem like she doesn’t. Snooze.

He claims things are weird, and if he goes to bed with doubts then “There’s a good chance I won’t be getting down on one knee tomorrow.” Liar. If a hurricane blew through Los Angeles and Kaitlyn was humping Nick in the eye of the storm, you’d still propose. Wow I have no idea what that means.

They break through the weirdness and start talking about their possible life together. He says, “It will never not be fun with you.” Ummm not true. It will definitely NOT be fun sometimes. Kids these days! Did I just say that? Fuck I’m old! He ends the date by giving her a jar of shit.


Proposal Day

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Neil Lane! Neil Lane Who? Neil Lane need a new gig. You guys, seriously, I need to quit this shit.

Neil is there for Shawnie who chooses a big ass ring for Katie. He goes to visit Nick next, who is thrilled it’s Neil Lane coming to the door because last time he was expecting him but Andi showed up to dump him. Neil is clearly confused at Nick’s joy to see him. Nick then tells him this whole story and Neil’s face is all, “Why the fuck are you talking to me so much? Nobody has ever talked to me so much!”

Now they get ready and voiceover themselves about love and fear. Blah. First one out of the limo is….NICK.

He walks up to Kaitlyn and looks nervous and awkward and says some pretty amazing things. I’m yelling at my TV – DO NOT LET HIM PROPOSE DO NOT LET HIM PROPOSE. She BARELY stops him, only grabbing his hands after he pulls the ring out. That’s brutal – no doubt the producers made her do that.

She cries a lot and apologizes and he’s NOT pleased. He says some smart-ish things here…like “nothing you can say would make me feel less confused.” And “I don’t want to hear it.” She thinks that if her decision was rational then it would somehow hurt less for him. Not true, so I’m sort of with Nick here. Just stop talking, Katie pants.

He also says it’s not fair for her to tell him that she felt the same way. AGREED Nick. Oh my god, do I love Nick now? Also, I’m crying…(Although I’m wondering if part of this is tears of joy this shit is over?) She walks him out and that flooring is creaky. In the limo, he tosses his rings at the producer and says he’s the world’s biggest joke. First of all, don’t flatter the show – the WORLD does not watch it. Second of all, you look WAY better than last season, no?

Shawn’s out of the limo next and has a super nice speech for Kaitlyn too, but it feels less awesome now that I know he wrote notes. Dork. She tells him she’s completely his and will always be faithful, blah blah blah. They love each other, he proposes, she accepts – the end!


After the Final Rose 

Fuck this, you guys. That was two hours of TV watching already and I had to stop and take two naps while WRITING this recap. I can’t recap this bullshit, too? Here are some highlights:

• Kaitlyn and Shawn are happy this shit is over and are apparently still in love
• Shawn kept his arm around her like she was a rabid hamster about to escape
• Kaitlyn rubbed a hole in his leg
• Nick again came across as normal and sad, but Harrison kept interrupting him because he blabbed on for too long
• If I was Nick, I would’ve kept talking about how awesome the sex was with Kaitlyn and what a panther she was in the sack. Just to see if Shawn could blow his top.
• I LOVE when Harrison asked Shawn if he hated Nick so much because he was threatened and jealous because Nick knew her first. He might as well have just looked at Shawn and said, “You were jealous and threatened by Nick because he knew her first.” Boom.
• Nick is mad at Kaitlyn for not stopping him BEFORE he said his entire proposal speech, because that was meant for someone else. Well, I hope you plan on tailoring the speech for the next one, right? It’s sort of one of those things that changes depending on the wife, right?
• Again, we’re talking about the pre-existing relationship. This is so fucking repetitive.

That was a shitty recap of the After the Final Rose, but it was really dumb. Not shocking at all – Shawn and Kaitlyn are happy and Nick is pissed, but fine. I’m pissed because this season was repetitive and annoying. But I’m happy because Bach in Paradise looks friggin bananas. But again I’m pissed that it might be five goddamn hours a week. Anyhoo – see you next week. Bach in Paradise apparently starts Sunday night and is on again Monday night, and then there’s an “After Paradise” special Monday night, too. For the love…

Love YOU GUYS!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap – Men Tell All and Kaitlyn almost shows all

I usually have tons of people commenting on my Facebook page about this show. Last night? I had zero. Zilch. So it looks like everyone is as over this show as I am.

This episode blows. At least there were a zillion commercials to fast forward through...and a zillion recaps of the season we JUST watched. They start with a Bachelor in Paradise promo. I’m excited…you guys, it’s going to be disgusting and hilarious. However, then Harrison decides to break my spirit by telling me it will be on Sunday AND Monday nights. Not only that, but THEN there’s a live “After Paradise” special…every week. I simply cannot do that, people. I mean, seriously. That shit will have to be abbreviated.

Because I’m super late with this recap, this shit just got bullet pointed. Highlights:

• Tanner tells Ian that Princeton needs to teach a class on how not to be an asshole. Tanner is still asexual, but I love him here.

• Ian strips his clothes off and gets on his knees and gives an odd apology. I appreciate it, but I can’t shake the feeling he’s just annoyed he was portrayed as such a dick.

 This one has no idea where she is.


• Corey became a super asshole!

• Waaaaay too much debate time about Nick.

• Clint is on this show to tell America he isn’t gay. Not sure if I buy it.

• JJ explains his relationship with Clint, but just digs his hole deeper (that’s what Clint did, too. Zing!)

• Harrison tells JJ his relationship with Clint blew it with Kaitlyn. JJ replies, “That’s not all I blew, if you know what I mean.”

• JJ is on Bachelor in Paradise and I have no doubt he’ll clean up there. The girls don’t get much more desperate than that.

 Does this lady have food in her mouth?


• Ben Z is hot and sweet and amazing. I just bet he’s not that much fun. But honestly, you don’t have to be when you look like that. It’s God’s way of equaling out the universe.

• It is truly concerning that he hasn’t cried in 11 years. It’s more concerning that he hasn’t cried in 11 years but ALMOST cried because of Kaitlyn.

• He should be the next Bachelor before the other Ben. My two cents. There you have it.

• Jared in the hot seat? Not much to report. He’s on Bachelor in Paradise and the previews show him making out with that Kardashian chick. So now I just can’t with Jared. Yikes.

• Ben H in the hot seat is painfully boring. He’s cute-ish and sweet, but I fear a whole season with him may officially close the book on this franchise.

• Kaitlyn’s dress is an odd choice for someone trying to tone down the whore rumors.

• Harrison reads some nasty tweets and I agree that shit was over the top. It also made me rethink my blog. I can be kind of an asshole too.
 
• Ben H asks Kaitlyn why she didn’t tell HIM about banging Nick. He asks, “Was it because you knew I was leaving?” She replies, “Yes, exactly. Oh wait, no no no, I just mean I knew I was choosing Shawn. No no no, that’s not what I meant either! I mean, you are just so understanding that I didn’t feel you had to know. Yeah, that’s it!”

• The guys ask her about Nick, and someone said the reason it hurt was because she told them that she saw her husband in the room. Kaitlyn replies, “Oh please, that’s just something you SAY.”

• Ian gets on his knees again but his apology is cut short by a cramp. That’s embarrassing.

• Blooper reel is always funny-ish, but my favorite part was Harrison and the giant bird.

• Kaitlyn hates birds but has bird tattoos. She explains this by saying she can’t SEE the tattoos. Aaaaand THIS is why she gets a bad rap.

That’s it people. Sorry so short and stupid. Finale next week and then Bach in Herpes-dise. Weeee!

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - Lots o' Vagine Fun in Ireland

And just like that, I find Shawn totally unattractive and now I want Nick on top of me naked.

Shawn and his pussy are still in Nick’s room yelling at him like a little baby. I get that you hate him, but take the high road. Why are you yelling at him? His jealousy and insecurity is so unbelievably unattractive. How do people not know this? He went from like, totally sheik to totally geek. Wait, chic? Sheeeek? I don’t know. Dammit!


Ben Fantasy Suite Date 

Kaitlyn claims he’s hot, charming and serious when it comes to feelings. What a dingbat.

They stumble across some horses to ride. She gets on it and says, “This feels right.” Having a big piece of meat between her legs feels normal. Go figure. Also, who knew I’d make this joke? I’m super predictable at this point, people. But it’s also the show’s fault. SAME SHIT DIFFERENT VAGINE.

Ben claims this is the perfect day. Incorrect, Ben. A perfect day never involves livestock. Talk to me about perfection when I’m on a yacht with Nick, champagne and a sandwich.

They ride to the Cough Cough Castle or something like that. They eat, chat, change into their required Irish cable knit and eat more. They kiss a LOT and he admits he’s 26. How is he 14 years younger than me? That is so depressing.

Apparently a 12-year-old girl by the name of Chris Harrison invites them to spend the night in the fantasy suite. They accept. Duh. They wake up the next day, Ben puts on his cropped yoga pants and leaves.

12-year-old handwriting


Shawn Fantasy Suite Date 

Back at the Lough Cough Resort, Kaitlyn forces Shawn to look like a complete dork while they play golf. Guess what you guys? Golf is like love because you can play it until you’re old. And also because you use your long rod to get things in holes.

He apparently sucks at golf and she wins the game. She asks him to play Truth or Dare and he chooses “dare” because god forbid Eskimo fucking or whatever it’s called, pops up in the truth part of the game. She dares him to streak naked across the golf course. Well, if they haven’t tarnished Ireland yet, they might as well get it out of the way.

At dinner, she asks him about Eskimo humping and he gets really mad that Nick told her. Then he says, “So what happened is…” and she interrupts him and tells him she doesn’t need to know. WHAT?? Yes, you DO. Well, maybe I just do.

Shawn says he went to Nick’s room to talk to him. He said, “I told him I thought he was an asshole. He didn’t take it well.” Ya think?

They head to the fantasy suite where we don’t get many details on what happened inside, but you know, it’s Kaitlyn, so…you know. He leaves the next morning, runs into Nick who asks to talk to him. He says no, then apparently yes, and Nick goes into his room. Shawn yells at him some more, and Nick is coming off like a champ here. Shawn is coming off as a shithead.


Rose Ceremony 

Kaitlyn talks to Harrison and says, “Weirdly I had a great week.” Harrison responds, “Weirdly? But you got to bang three dudes! That’s like your best week ever!” He didn’t say that.

Harrison brings up the excellent point that Shawn is fucking crazy. Well, he massaged that language a bit, but you get the drift. He adds, “So you have to think, is he just crazy here? Or will he be fucking psycho all the time?” She admits this is a concern.

She walks out to the rose ceremony in a dress that has Irish charm written all over it! She gives roses to Nick and Shawn, which is super predictable of course. She walks Ben out, and much like Jared, he takes it like a champ. I’d say he’s got a good chance of next Bachelor, no?

Meanwhile…

 Awkward city.


Meet Nick’s Gigantic Family

Oddly, they don’t let the guys take Kaitlyn to their hometowns. I’m not entirely sure why, but instead they fly all the families out to Deer Valley, Utah and put them up at a hotel. Soooo Kaitlyn just walks from hotel room to hotel room. It’s weird…and I’m bummed because I like seeing the ugly d├ęcor of random America.

Nick’s family is up first and I forgot how ginormous that family is… there are about 10 siblings and Nick’s mom. Was his Dad there? I don’t know. Sorry, shitty reporting. Anyhoo, sister Maria is not pleased with her brother’s poor decision making skills about being on the Bachelorette again. Actually, nobody in this room is pleased. Including Bella. Mom is SAD…she can’t believe they’re all going through this shit again.

Nick and Kaitlyn walk in and they’re all, “Heeeeeeey…..” Trying so hard to pretend they’re into this whole shitshow. They hang out a bit and finally break off into pairs to chit chat. Kaitlyn tells Maria that Nick challenges her. God, I hate that. I’d be SO SAD if my husband “challenged” me all the time. “So why are you eating that?” “What’s your opinion on the crisis in Darfur?” “What’s for dinner?” That sounds exhausting.

Mom and Kaitlyn talk and she tells mom that she brings out Nick’s goofy side. Mom replies, “Oh really? Because we haven’t seen that side forever because he was broken hearted and totally depressed after the last time he was on this fucking show.” She didn’t say that.

Mom later admits to Nick that Kaitlyn looks like she really likes him, and last season she never saw that with Andi. Ouch. Nick then tells his mom that he’s very present with her and that she’s really good at making out. DUDE THAT’S YOUR MOM. Gross.

Now Mom and Nick are both crying – man this show can fuck you up! If he comes in second place again, Mama is going to have words with ABC.

Kaitlyn leaves and takes Nick back to her hotel room…down the hall. So they’re all staying there? And so is Shawn’s family? So what if they all run into each other in the breakfast buffet line?


Meet Shawn’s Family 

Apparently Shawn has older sisters who are super protective so Shawn warns Kaitlyn they will grill her. Where’s Mom anyway? Also, Shawn has butterflies. Like a wee little girl.

Kaitlyn and Shawn walk in and girlfriend is coming on strong. She’s VERY spirited and giggly and loud. She later tells the sisters how strong their initial attraction was. Stop talking to FAMILY about sexual things, attraction, and making out. Ugh.

There’s a lot of the same shit here – family is worried Shawn will get hurt, but they all think she’s great and hope it works out. The end.

She also goes to a hotel room with Shawn where he tells her that he loves her. Are her lips tired? For reals? She leaves and he sits on the damn sofa and doesn’t walk her out. What a douche.

Meanwhile, she goes back to her hotel room, and ponders her decision while crying out on the veranda. She looks over and sees Nick’s sisters and Shawn’s sisters having wine together on the next balcony. Not really. But seriously, they’re ALL in the same hotel?

Next week is Men Tell All, which should be more entertaining…almost done, people! And then Bach in Paradise!

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - Shawn needs to put his vagine away

I’m sucking fumes at this point, people. And Shawn’s complete pussy-ness is such a fucking turn-off. Bring on Bachelor in Paradise.

OK We’re down to five guys - Nick, Shawn, Jared, Joe and Ben. They’re still in Ireland and although the place looks beautiful the weather looks like fucking disaster.

Kaitlyn sent Chris home last week, which she says is the hardest thing she’s ever done. Besides Nick’s penis, that is. God even my jokes are tired at this point. Sigh.


Ben Date 

Kaitlyn and Ben have THE most boring date in Bachelorette history. I know I have said this before but I’m serious this time. They keep outdoing themselves on the boredom scale. They played hide and seek - the real version, not the sexual kind (hiding a penis in your vagine). THAT’S how bored they were.

She asks him if she looks like wife material. He almost chokes out the answer, “Ahem, umm, NO. Not in the slightest, actually. You’re a child, for fucks’ sake.” He didn’t say that.

He decides he wants to share with Kaitlyn what his biggest fear in life is. I immediately get a sense of foreboding. This doesn’t sound good, dude. I fear this will not make him look good. He spits it out: “My biggest fear is being unlovable”. Ohhhh nooooooooo. BEN. BEN, my GOD. Why do you think that’s attractive at ALL? “I’m so scared of not being loved! Waaaaaa!” I get it – we sort of all fear that, but the low self-esteem and desperation aren’t attractive.

Kaitlyn also panics that he’s a virgin and won’t bang her in the fantasy suite. He assured her that he’s not a virgin. “PHEW!” She claims. “My vagine wouldn’t have known what to do!”


Group Date 

The group date is in a park, on a bench. For hours. They literally just go to a bench and then Kaitlyn takes turns pulling them away separately and talking to them. This show went from overly ridiculous humiliating group dates, to nothing. “I have a great idea for an Ireland date. Let’s just have them sit on a bench!”

She talks to Shawn. Here’s the convo:

Shawn: Hi
Kait: Hi
Shawn: It’s weird we didn’t kiss last time.
Kait: Yes it was. Let’s kiss now.

That’s it. For reals. He claims they’re so happy now and back on track! I really hope there is a LOT edited out because I don’t get it.

Nick pulls her aside. She asks if he regrets their sex night. Of course he doesn’t. Why would HE regret it? Then he mumbles a lot and I don’t know what they say.

She pulls Joe aside and he licks her lips for a bit and then tells her that he’s in love with her, and he’d be the happiest guy in the world if he could kiss her forever, blah blah blah. She tells him thanks, but I’m not on the same page…and Joe goes a little banana-pants. He gets totally pissy and quiet and swears at her but he’s mumbling too so I don’t catch it all. She’s not pleased and walks away. I get it – he just laid it out there and he’s feeling humiliated. For some reason, he’s still hotter to me than Shawn.

Kaitlyn tells Nick to go back to the hotel and tells Shawn she needs to talk to him, so they’ll go out to dinner. Shawn is STOKED and it’s now that I realize he refuses to call Nick by his name. He only refers to him as “the other guy.” It’s completely fucking ridiculous and makes me THAT much more annoyed with Shawn. Dude, come on. Stop being such a whiny bitch. You’re so hot and your shit-as-confidence is making you totally un-hot. Stop it. It’s a show where she bangs lots of guys – that’s the premise. She works her way down to one and they get engaged and break up within a year. That’s how it WORKS. Deal with it. If you can’t – which makes sense – most normal people couldn’t handle it, then just leave.

Kaitlyn decides to tell Shawn she banged Nick. I think it’s a good call. It’ll obviously come out sooner or later, and better now, from her. Also it shows that she’s serious about him. It’s clear the final two will be him and Nick, right? (I don’t read spoilers). So she’s not telling Ben about the Nick sexcapade. Shawn should be flattered, really. (?)

He’s not pleased. But you can see his wheels turning as she tells him the news. If he blows up at her and storms out, she’ll just dump him, so you can see he’s thinking how to play his cards here. He’s quiet and grossed out…then goes to the bathroom. Then he comes back and thanks her for her honesty and tells her that he’ll man up and deal with it because at the end of the day he wants her. He says, “What am I going to do, storm out of here?” Ummm YES DUDE. You storm out and say, “You fucking told me I was the one and you then banged Nick a day later. Fuck that. You have no idea what you’re doing. I’m too good for this shit. I’m out of here.” That is an option, you know.


Rose Ceremony 

So we’re down to four: Shawn, Jared, Nick and Ben. Kaitlyn first calls Shawn’s name and he asks to talk to her before he accepts the rose. She’s all, “Fuck, AGAIN??”

DUDE…ENOUGH with the talking. Look I’m a girl and an emotional one and I always want to TALK about things with my husband…but at this point, even I think Shawn needs to shut the fuck up.

I can tell Kaitlyn is annoyed with him at this point. I appreciate her here – she tells him that she IS here to explore other relationships and she never should have told him that he was the one. Basically, she’s telling him to shut up, stop being such a pussy and the fact is she WILL bang other guys. I’m not saying she isn’t a touch slutty, or that this whole thing is a ridiculous premise, but if you sign up for the damn show, the girl (or guy) WILL bang more than just you.

She says, “I don’t think you trust me.” So yeaaaaaah, I don’t think he does. I mean, you’re out banging other guys. What exactly do you want him to trust? That you won’t ALSO go bang producers and shit?

Of course, Shawn accepts the rose. He will no matter what she does. She gives the two others to Ben and Nick. Poor Jared, yo. He’s SUPER sweet, and a total gentleman and she screwed the pooch on this one. That guy is better than the other three combined. The only problem is that I don’t want him naked on top of me. But I still almost cried when he left. Almost.

I also love that in the limo he said he was going to miss her. Instead of “I just want to find love and I can’t find anyone who will love me. I don’t want to be alone”, he says that he really liked HER and will miss her. I love him now. Edges and all.


Nick Fantasy Suite Date 

We’re down to three – Ben, Shawn and Nick. We now start the overnight dates, which seem a little anti-climatic now that she’s had so much “off-camera, in-vagine” time already. But it’s a show formality so let’s get on with it.

Kaitlyn says, “My connection with Nick is a passionate and physical connection. I have concerns if I can see a life with him. I need to figure that out today.” And THAT, my friends, is why this show is fucking ridic. I mean, she needs to figure it out TODAY. In one day. Also, I love that JUST NOW she’s concerned with whether she actually LIKES him or not.

They drink all day in a bar, which is basically all they do on dates. That and hump. Kaitlyn said, “I feel like a real couple today!” Ummm, my husband and I are a real couple and I can’t remember the last time we made out in a restaurant. Or anywhere, actually.

OH NO, Shawn is doing more thinking, y’all. He says he’s annoyed because “that other guy keeps getting in the middle of it.” Ummmm, yeeeeeaaaaah, that’s the show. Maybe YOU keep getting in the middle of it.

Anyhoo, on Nick and Kaitlyn’s date in a prison, Nick tells Kaitlyn that Shawn brags about being “Eskimo brothers” with a famous country singer because they both humped the same girl in the same night. First of all, I didn’t know this term and had to Google it. Second of all, that’s fucking gross. Third of all, does Nick know he’s an Eskimo brother with half the house?

They go to the fantasy suite where I’m sure they hump all night long and they eat a lot of bacon the next morning. Nick looks better from the waist down, just sayin’.

Oh No, ya’ll – guess who’s thinking again? Shawn gets Nick’s room number and visits him after he comes home from his fuck date. Shawn walks in and just decides to tear into Nick and throws a bunch of insults at him. Why? You can hate him if you want, but this just makes you look like a total asshole. Holy moly I’m over this season. Bach in Paradise, please!