Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Mexican Private Plane? No Bueno.

I’m such an asshole! You guys, I couldn’t write the recap for Sunday night’s show yesterday. I just couldn’t sit my ass down to do it! Yes, I was busy but I fear I’m over it all! We can talk about that later. For now, here is a combined (and probably abbreviated, and definitely less funny) recap of Sunday and Monday’s show!

Two thoughts, right off the bat: Can we stop showing the crabs please? And is conversate a real word?

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

More talk about Sam and Joe. Or Joe and Juelia, actually. He says, “It was never my intention to play you for a rose.” But wasn’t it? And hasn’t he admitted that yet? And aren’t we tired of talking about this?

It starts to come out that Samantha played more of a role in this big plan than we suspected. Basically, Joe and Samantha talked before the show and decided to hook up when she got there. She told Joe to do whatever it took to get a rose to stay there until she got there. He’s completely pussy-whipped by this total mindfuck of a woman, so he screwed with Juelia. So he looks like the bad guy (which he kind of is) but Samantha looks innocent.

For the record, she’s not smart enough to be this total fucking genius mastermind they want us to think she is. She’s just hot and used to fucking with guys, and being in control and wearing the pants, and getting what she wants, blah blah blah. But she’s definitely not admitting a role in this, and seems super comfortable lying.

Jared kisses Ashley, which apparently makes her think he’s in love with her. JJ and Dan both consider giving the rose to Juelia because they feel bad for her. Megan is hopeless.

Juelia realizes she’s probably not going to get a rose so she finds Chris Harrison and tells him that she wants Mikey back because she realizes she should have picked him in the first place, over Joe. He doesn’t really answer…

Joshua gives his rose to Tenley, Jared gives his to Ashley I., Kirk gives his to Carly, Tanner gives his to Jade and JJ oddly gives his rose to Ashley S. He says he’s leaving to go home because he wants to try to make it work with a girl back home. Basically, he was dating someone before he left but didn’t like her THAT much. So he goes to “paradise” to see if there is anyone better. There’s not. So now he goes home to win back that first chick. And she is bananas if she takes him back.

He gives a ridiculous speech, while the Bachelor producers play patriotic music. He says, “You don’t know broken until you’ve walked in my shoes.” And, “I didn’t find love but I found myself.” What a douche.

Of course he doesn’t give the rose to Juelia because the producers tell him that Mikey is about to come back. So why don’t they tell Dan that? They make him struggle to decide who to pick. His penis makes the decision and chooses Amber. Although…isn’t he gay? Joe gives his rose to Samantha. Duh.

Megan, Claire and Juelia are out of roses, so they head home…BUT Juelia’s exit is blocked by Mikey! Somehow in the 30 minutes between the time Juelia asked Harrison about bringing Mikey back and the end of the rose ceremony, they were able to fly Mikey in from Chicago. This is all super fake.

Anyway, she hugs him and calls him her knight in shining armor despite the fact SHE was the one who asked the producers to go get him.

Tanner and Jade Date 

They take a private plane to Tequila, Mexico. First of all, a private plane in Mexico? Death trap much? No fucking thank you. Second of all, Tequila, Mexico? That’s probably fake too, but I’d go. Just not in a private plane.

They hack at an agave plant and you can tell Jade is slightly turned off by Tanner’s un-masculine hacking methods. Then they spend the night in the Mexican fantasy suite where they profess love, he touches vagine, blah blah blah.

Nick Arrives 

This guy is smarmy. Yuckers. Anyway, apparently he chatted with Samantha before the show aired too, and he’s excited to see her. Man, she has bad taste in dudes. And she spends a LOT of time on social media. Also…if she talked to both Joe and Nick before the show filmed, and they BOTH discussed the fact they’d see each other there and maybe hook up…did she not GUESS that would all come out?

Nick has a date card. So he asks Samantha who says no, which surprises Nick because, “she said she would.” These people are borderline…being unable to function in day-to-day life. My god.

Nick then asks Ashley S. out on a date. He says, “I just want someone who will enjoy the day, so Ashley S. seemed like the obvious choice.” Ummm, she was also the ONLY choice. They head to a dock of some kind when a nice dude tells them the island is closed. Hurricane Carlos closed it. So instead they get wasted and have massages. After their massages, tell me why the girl then has to massage the guy? That always happens. If my husband and I were getting massages and when it was done, he asked me to continue rubbing him, I certainly would not do that.

Also, they spend three straight uncomfortable minutes filming his boner.

After the massages and boner-filming, they get more drunk and make out in a hot tub. Now THIS is reality. Also, these two are a joke and don’t stand a chance, but they know that too, right? Joe throws himself a birthday party and Samantha is the only person who comes and she dumps him when she arrives. Basically, she said she doesn’t like the drama but I think she just got bored with him (after two days) because she’s like that.

Jared then dumps Ashley I. by telling her he wants her to really experience paradise. Awww, that’s nice. I like you so much that I WANT you to bang some other guys. Sigh…I like Jared, but he needs to just say, I don’t like you that much. He finally spits out that he doesn’t think their chemistry is what he’s looking for. Which also doesn’t make sense. Which also means he doesn’t like her. But whatevs. Oh and she cries. A lot. Then she assumes that it means he’s not over Kaitlyn. She calls her and says, “Jared is totally consumed with you!” Umm, no he’s not. At all. He’s just not consumed with Ashley. At all.

The episode ends with Samantha and Joe getting pummeled in the waves while Joe voiceovers himself about how perfect she is and how much he loves her. This is so awesome. It also marks one of the first times ever, that I actually laughed out loud during this show.

Monday Night’s Show… 

Joe is so sad. It’s hard, you guys, when “you have a great two or three days and then it falls apart.” That’s an exact quote. TWO DAYS people. Get a grip. She sucks anyway.

Joe sad...

Ashley I. says she is going to be ruined forever because no man will ever live up to Jared in her eyes. She probably will be ruined forever, but not for the reasons she thinks.

Mikey has a date card and asks Juelia to go back on that death trap of a private jet. They watch very graphic Mexican wrestling, which might actually be entertaining if people weren’t really spilling beer all over you, and sweaty wrestlers weren’t landing on you.


They decide to hit the fantasy suite, which looks more like a snuggle and some eggs in bed. I don’t see this one lasting. Love them both, actually, but I don’t see it.

Back in Paradise, using the term REALLY loosely 

Back at the Mexican Sex Compound, Joe says that Samantha has two choices. Either they can be lovey/dovey together and get engaged or he can fucking ruin her name by exposing her terribleness. Now THAT sounds like true love. What a winner this guy is, no? Psycho. I get that he’s hurt and pissed and was just totally fucked with by crazypants Sammy and her porn fingernails, but this “love me or I’ll make you pay” angle is a bit of a turn off.

So this is the best part…he sits Samantha down and basically tells her that. He says they can be together or he’ll show everyone the text messages. Now if I was Samantha, I’d say, “Fuck you, you fucking psycho blackmailer. Are you fucking threatening me, you fuck?” But instead, Sam says, “Well, I do still care about you.” So there’s your admission of guilt, people. Also, I don’t really need to see the ACTUAL text message to believe Joe. She sucks, so does he. Let’s move on.

Kirk and Carly go fishing. Yup, that’s all I got.

Justin comes. Who is Justin? He’s wearing an inappropriate shirt for 100% humidity in Mexico in June. He’s also not attractive.

He hits on Sam and asks her on his date, but not before telling her that he’s lost in her eyes. This chick is really used to getting whatever guy she wants. And boys are pissing me off. Try FOR A FUCKING SECOND to look past her hotness and see what a boner she is. Ugh. Anyway, she says yes to the date and the rest of the episode is listening to the other people tell the Bachelor camera what a mindfuck, puppetmaster she is. I’d say this show isn’t helping her image much. But don’t worry – all the boys will still love her, I’m sure.

OK That’s it, people. I know it’s short and unfunny but it’s tough to keep talking about this shit show. Oh and also, Ben H. as next Bachelor? Thoughts? He seems nice, but boring. We will see. Love you all for sticking with me!

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Still talking about Joe...

I was going to say how annoying it was that they wasted two entire episodes on this lame Juelia and Joe drama…but then I realized this show is all about this shit. If we weren’t wasting time on those two, what would they be covering? Tanner’s boner? Ashley’s headband? Dan’s sexuality? It’s all ridiculous, so sure, why not blow two nights on Joe’s flat forehead and his hot bitch?

As if it's not enough of a hellhole already...

Soooo, Juelia decides to take Samantha aside and tell her what a douche bag Joe has been. I’m distracted by Sammy’s porn fingernails. Anyway, Sammy shuts Juelia down and sides with Joe. Duh. He was just stirring her stew in the hot tub, so it’s safe to say she’d be on his side.

My two cents: First of all, enough already. Man, they are all BORED. They need to move on. Second, yes, I think Joe is a dickhead. But for lots of reasons. As he said, there’s nothing wrong with going on a date with one chick and then meeting someone else and liking her more. Juelia is acting a bit like they had been together a year…it was ONE date. However, Joe didn’t exactly just casually go on a date with her. He was sort of saying too much bullshit, like how much he likes her, blah blah blah. He went a bit overboard there. And then there’s the small fact that he probably never liked her at ALL because he was waiting to bang Sammy… And Juelia’s a widow, so it’s just kind of dick. But the main reason I hate him now is that he’s such a fucking shit-brain about how he’s dealing with all this. He’s super rude and defensive and acts like Juelia is just a big hassle. But I do think they’re all harping incessantly at this point. He’s a dick, so hate him and move on.

But NOW it turns out that Samantha is in on this serious Bachelor in Paradise plotting. I still think it’s funny that it’s considered some big plot. They talked before the show and wanted to bang – they’re not selling military secrets for fucks’ sake.

But Samantha is a bitch, yo! She’s nasty. So this is God’s way of equaling things out. I say that a lot, but it’s actually fascinating to watch. You can’t have it all, people. When you’re as hot as Samantha, God gives you a super bitchy persona and the desire to have porn nails.


Amber comes. Who the fuck is this? And she claims she’s hopeful Dan will be there. Don’t fucking pretend you don’t know he’ll be there. In the hundreds of bachelors who have been on this show, Dan is literally the last person I’d recognize. Amber is a close second. Who are these people? My ass they didn’t know who was cast on the show.

Her hair is wack and she giggles way too much. She asks Dan on a date, but Dan says he wants to talk to Ashley first. The talk doesn’t go well, as one could have guessed. Ashley is pissed. But honestly, I just don’t care. Let’s move on.

Dan and Amber go on a date and I am thoroughly confused as to why all these Mexicans in the street are cheering for them to kiss. But they do, and they kiss a lot. And she giggles a lot. And they eat dinner at the Hacienda Bla Nal Nal. The end.

Megan and JJ go on a date and there is so little airtime devoted to the date that I refuse to even give it its own section in my recap. Despite the fact she claims she’s a southern belle, she comments that JJ might be motorboating her later, and that it’s the fastest she’s gotten wet on a date. Someone tape her mouth shut, omg. JJ says, “I’m excited to be here, even though we’re different intellectually.” Fuck you, JJ. Are you kidding me? Sure, she’s as dumb as my coffee table, but it’s just gross to be spouting off about your own intellect. Gross.

Ashley S. decides she’s over Dan and instead makes love to a bird.

The show ends with yet MORE discussion of Joe, Juelia and Samantha. Enough already. Oh did you guys hear that last summer Samantha dated Jeremy Piven? Odd right?

OK I’m done. See you next week, peeps!

Monday, August 17, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Joe is a dickface and Dan is greasy

I hate these people.

Let’s backup. I didn’t recap either episode last week because I was on vacation. I came home last night and had two episodes waiting for me to watch on my DVR and one more recording live. It was a tad overwhelming to think about watching that many hours of this shit and after seeing the horror on my husband’s face after he saw the DVR recorded TV list…I decided to delete last week’s crap. I read some recaps online, so I’m caught up. Can I tell you how much easier it is to read a recap for five minutes rather than actually watch it? Is that how all you guys feel? I’m kind of jealous.

Anyhoo – I still have tonight to watch and about 700 pounds of laundry to do, so I’ll make this recap short. Also, did I mention I was on a Disney Cruise? Holy shit could I write a blog about that! My takeaways from the week: The obesity problem in America is no joke, I pretty much despise all kids but my own and it turns out I’m afraid of waves. Who knew?

Let’s get started…

We seem to be picking up in the middle of a rose ceremony. Claire is crying to Harrison about the fact nobody likes her. Ashley I. likes watching her cry. I will truly punch Ashley I. in the face if she refers to a 32 year old as a cougar one more time. Or I can’t wait until she’s 32 and unmarried and I can call her crazy ass a cougar. A super bitchy one, at that. She’s kind of a total asshole, no?

She gives her rose to JJ and this seems odd. Ashley gives her rose to Jared, and Juelia gives her rose to Joe.

 Ummm, sunburn much?


This entire episode is about Joe and Samantha, really. In a nutshell, he came to “paradise” (aka a crab-ridden hellhole with an open bar. Thanks Jorge!), for Samantha. They had chatted on social media before the show and were excited to meet each other. This is something this 40 year old doesn’t totally grasp. Chatting on social media? Why not just email? Or text? Holy shit did I just date myself? Is it not cool to email or text anymore? Someone snapchat me and let me know. Kidding, don’t do that, I have no idea what snapchat is.

Anyway, Samantha is basically as hot as they come. Sure, she looks like her makeup took 14 hours to do, but it really doesn’t run in the heat or even when she’s in water. It’s one of those amazing feats that only hot girls can pull off. My eyeliner runs like the slut in a horror movie in 72-degree heat. What the fuck?

So hot Samantha comes in and asks Joe on her date. They hold hands within minutes and make out almost as fast. The drama here is that the night before, he kissed Juelia and told her that he liked her, but it was apparently only to get her rose so he could stay there and bang hot Sammy. So yes, he’s kind of a fuckface. OK a huge one. I get it’s a game, sort of, but he’s really smarmy. Amazing how much hotter he was to me during Kaitlyn’s season when he was nicer.

So Juelia is pissed and feels disrespected. During the show, she TRIES to talk to him a number of times and I sort of want to shake her and jump into her shoes. Nobody can fucking communicate, am I right? This is what I’d say: “So last night, you kissed me a lot and told me how much you liked me, but in reality, it’s blazingly obvious you just wanted my rose so you could meet Samantha. Do you see how that makes me feel like shit?” See, it’s not complex but there’s so much squeaking and bouncing and editing that I find myself roaring at my TV a lot. My husband truly has no clue what’s happened to me.

Samantha and Joe Date 

Their date is supposed to be a photo shoot for People Magazine, but those people were kidnapped and replaced with a crew from a local porn movie production company. Holy moly. And seriously? She is super hot. Joe doesn’t know her for shit…I mean, they haven’t exchanged more than five words, but he’s right to realize that is for SURE the hottest chick he will ever rub his penis on.

 "This might be a little much for People Magazine. I mean, I can see her vagine."

They get back from the date and he holds her hand and tells everyone, including Juelia, they filmed a hot porn movie. What is wrong with him? He talks about what a Debbie Downer Juelia is and I love that the producers are not backing down from editing him to be the asshole that he is. He’s going to get skewered for being such a fuck and I love it.

Side note: Claire on the phone with the raccoon is amazing TV. I’m a big fan.

Kirk/Carly Update 

Carly is edited to be the horniest chick west of the Mississippi. My god. Easy girlfriend. She wants to bang Kirk really badly but Kirk is now slightly freaked out that she is bananapants. However, after their date, he decides, hell why not? She’s worth banging for sure, so I won’t worry too much about her craziness. We’ll just bang and I’ll hope for a future with her that is drama AND mold-free.

Their date ends with fireworks…literally. And they are NOT in the sky but on the ground in front of them. Shit that looks dangerous. God, that’s so Mexico.

Dan/Ashley Update 

Dan is gay, right? He is dating Ashley S. but now tells Jade that she showed a little craziness and he is backing away and wants to keep his options open. He wants to see what other guys show up. I mean, girls.

He tries to talk to Ashley S. about it, which he had to know was a losing battle. What did he THINK she’d say? “Oh ok, I see, you’re not sure you like me too much. No problem. I’ll just hang back and see what you decide, mmmkay?” Of course not, and it doesn’t make her crazy to be sad after you tell her you’re not sure about her all of a sudden. However, when she says, “I’m only here for you and I’ll fucking leave right now if you don’t want to be with me!” – well, then THAT makes her look crazy.


Is the dumb thing an act? Because that is seriously no fucking joke how dumb she is. Wow. She walks in and says, “Aloha Mexico!” I mean…

She decides she’s not at all attracted to Dan’s greasy chest so she asks JJ out on a date. I wonder if she’s sad about that decision after seeing his tattoos. Wow.

Ashley S says that she saw Megan with JJ today so maybe that means Dan will give her a rose after all. Sigh…ladies, you’re NOT helping me defend you here. She might as well have said, “Dan doesn’t really like me anymore, and it’s clear he likes Megan but I don’t think she likes him so that might mean he’s stuck with me! Even if he doesn’t like me, he HAS to give me a rose! Yay!”

The show ends with Dan and his hideous tank top confronting Joe and making him talk to Juelia. She does a shit job of yelling at him, but he does a great job at coming across like a total asshole. Samantha comes in and Juelia takes her away to tell her what an asshole Joe is and I love it. It’s fun to watch him squirm. The end. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Crabs are everywhere. And i mean everywhere.

Let’s just get this shit out of the way: The After Paradise bullshit is NOT happening. You guys, I couldn’t. I tried. Did anyone actually sit through that? I literally couldn’t. I tried. It was Chris Harrison, some famous Twitter person who makes fun of the show, Ashley I. and two stars from the show Scandal. What the fuck? It was terrible, terrible, terrible. It’s like three people sitting around talking about the show, but those people are all boring. So no recaps on that garbage. Forgive me.

I admit though, I’m sucked into the train wreck show. It’s SO pathetic that you can’t look away. It’s so sad and desperate and it’s NOT a coincidence they keep showing crabs.

JJ: “There’s something electric in the air. It might be the lightning but something is electric.” He says this without a hint of knowledge of what he just said.

The electric thing he’s talking about is oddly Clare’s arrival. She claims, “This time will be amazing and incredible.” Oh geez. Delusion at it’s best.

You guuuuuys!!! It's going to be glorious this time!!!

Clare has a date card and doesn’t know who to pick because everyone is apparently paired up already. So she talks it over with a crab. People, she is not actually talking to a crab. Creative editing. Wait…is she actually talking to a crab?

Mikey is interested in her, but not really. He only thinks he is because she’s the only one left. He tells her that he wants the date, and she looks super bummed out and thinks about it for a minute and finally says, “Sigh…ok I’ll take you.” So THAT must feel good.

Clare and Mikey’s date is tantric yoga, which is disgusting. I never want to mix exercising with sex, especially in front of those two random tantric yoga experts. Gross-o. Oh and Mikey’s favorite position was the Downward Clare. Vomit.

I mean...

Later on, while wading in some pond, she tells him she’s not really interested in him by saying, “I would much rather be with a bunch of those other guys, but they appear not to like me. If that ends up being true, then yes, I’ll definitely bang you, but I’m sort of looking at that as a last resort. But mark my words, I WILL NOT leave this place without banging someone.” Mikey is oddly ok with this.

Ashley S. Date 

Ashley S. asks Dan on her date right away. This is because she had the poops last night and was rushed to a hospital to get an IV. Dan went with her cause he’s nice. Also, he was apparently shirtless in the hospital all night. That’s Mexico for ya. Also – Dan asked for his own IV, just to make her feel better. And they gave it to him. Again – Mexico…

The date was uneventful because they like each other, so they ate dinner, danced and kissed. I bet the producers are SUPER pissed that she’s acting much more normal than they had hoped.

Speaking of acting not normal, Tenley is now crying because she doesn’t have a boyfriend in Paradise yet. So she takes Jared on a walk and Ashley I. freaks out, and cries yet again, that she will die alone. Are her parents watching?? This is seriously intervention time. The girl needs help. She is a mess, people. And stop calling Tenley old – you sound like a ridiculous asshole.

Lauren is a bitch. That’s all.

Cocktail Party 

So guys give out roses this week and there is one more girl than guy, so that means one girl gets sent home (reminder that Lauren and Ashley are a package deal). JJ starts off the night with regular old JJ douchebag talk, saying he’s relishing the role of these girls kissing his ass for a rose. DOES HE NOT REALIZE WHAT HE WILL SOUND LIKE? I don’t get it.

Everyone is pretty much coupled up with the exception of Tenley, Jillian and JJ. So Tenley makes a very gross and desperate move, by hitting on JJ. She tells him she wants to see where their relationship can go. It’s 10 minutes before the rose ceremony – how can he not see what she’s doing? Tenley wanting to be with JJ is about as likely as me giving JJ a blowjob. Or me giving anyone a blowjob actually.

Tenley is pleased with herself for making a move on JJ and tricking him into giving her a rose. She yells, “I like this girl and I want to see her more often! Being slutty is fun!” She didn’t say that.

Jared tells Ashley he thinks she’s amazing, which is code for, “I don’t like you in a sexual way AT ALL and can see just how sad you are. Actually this entire thing is pathetic but you know, I don’t get any real tail back home, so I will stay here and try to land someone. But it sure as hell won’t be you.”

Then Jared tells Clare that he will give her his rose tonight if she doesn’t have one. I think Ashley overhears him, and STILL does not get the message. HE DOES NOT LIKE YOU. Fucking deal with it.

Rose Ceremony 

-Tanner gives his rose to Jade (tanner still can’t believe a playboy bunny kissed him)
-Kirk gives his rose to Carly (mold free rose)
-Dan gives his rose to Ashley S. (he wore a shirt)
-Jonathan gives his rose to Juelia (oddest couple ever)
-Mikey gives his rose to Clare (Namaste)
-Jared gives his rose to Ashley I. (the nobody-left rose)

It’s down to JJ and he has to choose between Tenley and Jillian. He chooses Tenley. I get it – I’d rather bang Tenley over Jillian any day, but part of him HAS to know she just made out with him to get the rose, no? Men’s penises are so dumb.

So Jillian is out and cries in the limo and looks a little like she’s been drugged.

Reminder – I’m out of town next week. On a cruise with no Internet, so I’ll miss the show so no recap. But I’ll be back the week after that! Thanks so much for understanding. And a big thanks to everyone who leaves comments for me on the blog – I read them all. You crack me up and thank you for all the nice words!

Monday, August 3, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - How many times can I say "skank" or "slut" in one recap? Good lord.

What a fucking fuck fest. Know what’s funny? That was the EXACT line I used to start last year’s season premiere recap. So things haven’t changed.

I can’t promise full recaps this season – expect a lot of half-assing on my part. Two nights every week makes mama angry. Although I admit, I’m excited for it. Oh and while we’re on the topic of me half-assing, I’m on vacation next week. Out of the country, on a cruise, so no Internet access which means no recap at all! Sorry, guys. I’ll be back the week after next though!

Meet the People 

Ashley I., 27, Chris’ season: She’s the crybaby Kardashian Wannabe. First of all, it’s pathetic to WANT to be a Kardashian. Second, she’s so lost. I felt sorry for her. More on that later.

Lauren, 24, Ashley I’s sister: A whore who is proud of it. She’s also a lost soul.

Jared, 26, Kaitlyn’s season: They are really playing him up to be the hot, nice guy. He’s cute (not hot) and I believe he’s a good guy. So what’s he doing there?

Ashley S., 25, Chris’ season: The crazy one who apparently likes to go to farms?

Tanner, 28, Kaitlyn’s season: This guy is cute and normal, but I can’t shake the feeling he was a super nerd in his past and is now trying to make up for it by banging playboy models. I bet he masturbates more than normal.

Jade, 28, Chris’ season: The playboy model who wants to come out of this show engaged. Oh lord.

Jillian, don’t know how old, forget what season: She was the one who is MUCH too jacked for a woman, who also got a boob job and allowed Bachelor cameras into the surgery. I mean, these people are crying out for help.

Dan, 32, Desiree’s season: “You’d know me from Desiree’s season.” Ummm, no we won’t. At all.

Juelia, 30, Chris’ season: She’s the one whose husband killed himself. She deserves some happiness… which begs the question, why the hell is she here?

Tenley, 31, Jakes’ season: She’s 31? Was she 12 on Jake’s season? Or is she actually 40 now? Wow. She dated Kiptyn for five years who dumped her and knocked up some girl within two months. Ouch.


And we’re off. Jade is first in and she wins points for not wearing heels on the beach. Jared comes in next and is excited to see Jade. Tenley in next, sporting the latest in Bridesmaid fashions. Carly is there and her hair is WHITE and her eyebrows are BLACK.

Some initial stuff:

• Tenley thinks Jonathan is attractive but she won’t anymore, once she hears that he has threesomes with sisters and is an all-around man-skank.

• Mikey – He’s GAY. Gay, gay, gay. Anyone who refers to HIMSELF as an alpha male, and talks about his own testosterone that much, is gay.

• Ashley and her sister come in… Stupid sister is oddly incredibly proud of herself for being a super NON-virgin. She flaunts her skankness and it screams insecurity. She’s got zilch self-esteem, people. This is not going to be pretty. The guys ask what happens when they’re into the same guy. Ashley says she makes out with him, and sister says, “And I finish him.” I mean, seriously. Do you not realize how skanky you sound? Come on.

• Kirk comes in – isn’t he the one with some weird disease? Oh wait! It was mold poisoning or something. You’d think one with a compromised immune system shouldn’t expose himself to this skank fest.

• JJ there, Ashley S. is there, nothing interesting. Harrison explains that the guys give roses this week, so step up the sluttiness, ladies! You need to land a man, STAT!

• Lacy and Marcus get married. I’m sure she’s excited Jillian and her hairy man-ass is at her wedding in a bikini. Along with a few people she’s never met. And someone who suffers from mold disease.

• Her boobs are still large and Marcus is sweat-dog.

• Juelia catches the bouquet, which might actually be correct. If she doesn’t get eaten alive by the rest of these slutmongers.

That night, they all get drunk and messy. Slutty McSlutterson, Lauren, decides to cry. Mikey attempts to console her by berating her, “What’s the matta with you? What could possibly be wrong?” So she tells Ashley she’s crying because there are people there like Juelia and Tenley and Dan who are old as fuck. They’ll just “do whatever they want because they’re old.” Soooo, YOU are actually the one who does whatever you want. Also, you’re really crying because you suck and you know it. You know those “old” people have a better shot at love than you because you just bang for guy attention. She’s got crippling low self-esteem people. It’s textbook! You bang for attention. Ashley’s got the same self-esteem issues but takes the opposite approach – no banging for attention? I hate this show.

Carly and Kirk make out after a painfully long, awkward moment. In one episode, he’ll be pissed he put all his eggs in her basket. Why? Because despite the fact all these people say they’re here for love, they’re here only to bang. And get attention. Sigh.

Ashley I. cries a lot this episode and I’m tired of talking about it already. She’s a sad, lost little girl. She’s got no self-esteem (how many times can I write that this recap?). She wants to be loved, but thinks if she plays up this princess thing, she’ll win a guy? It’s sad to watch. She’s actually nice-sounding and even sweet, perhaps. And looks way better on the beach with toned down makeup. She just needs to chill, grow up and maybe read a book or something.

It's mean of me to post this.

Ashley I. Date 

JJ says he wants the date – not because he likes Ashley, because he doesn’t, but because he didn’t come to Mexico to sit his ass by the pool. Ummm, WHY else would one possibly go to Mexico? That’s what you do there. Hello? Also…what an asshole.

Ashley only likes Jared who doesn’t like her. She asks him on the date and they drive around in a dune buggy. Looks like fun and I’m impressed she’s not freaking out about getting dirty. She also seems much more normal on the date and again, I want to tell her to be more chill and normal and someone might actually like her for HER.

Jade Date 

Jade asks Tanner on her date and he almost splooges in his pants when she asks him. They go to dinner somewhere and he tells her that he’s posing for Playgirl soon. Wait, is that a joke? They seem to have a nice chat, and then taking a cue from the other slutties, she suggests taking off their clothes and swimming in a Mexican river despite the fact there’s lightning in the area. You can tell he’s scared of the lightning because, uh, YOU SHOULD BE, but he’s desperate to dry hump her in the river so he does it.

Meanwhile, Ashley S. is taken away on a stretcher in an ambulance. They don’t show us or tell us anything about it. She’s taken away and that’s it. She just has poops, that’s all. It’s Mexico, people.

The episode ends with Clare coming in. WHY HEELS ON SAND? GRRRR.

She wants to find love with urgency this time. Oh boy. These people never learn. She looks hot and unbelievably, she’s probably the best catch there, so we’ll see what happens. See you tomorrow!