Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap – Wait, no, not a recap, really.

I mean, for fucks sake, people, could this recap be later? More late? Fuck! Seriously, mama needs a Bachelor vacay. I’ll be back in January though…with renewed energy! Here’s hoping anyway…

Here is the recap, which is not a recap at all. Just bullet point thoughts, rants, whatever. But it’s in chronological order so kind of a recap. Shut up Jen.

• Stop saying “take” my virginity. First of all, he ain’t taking shit. Second of all, if Ashley did do the deed with Jared, it would be more like force-feeding him your virginity.

• Jared could NOT be less excited to sleep over with Ashley. He was probably just excited about getting away from cameras. Or maybe she gave him a blowjob at least. Just to thank him, for his time. You know, an appreciation blowjob.

• It just dawned on me that NONE of these people must have real jobs, correct?

• Jorge wants Juelia more than Mikey does. Pluuuease people, like Mikey and Juelia stood a chance anyway? There was a better chance of me giving my husband a blowjob in 2015.

• Juelia’s eyelashes are bananas.

• Carly says its understandable Juelia is sad because she came to paradise “to find what Jade and I found.” Weeeeell, not EXACTLY what you found, hmmm?

• Jaclyn says Justin is the hot ticket in town. Someone get back to me with the exact name and location of this town because I’m going to avoid it.

• Jaclyn asks Justin on her date because there’s nobody else and Justin says yes. Then he changes his mind when Cassandra walks in. So THAT has to sting a bit. Also, Jaclyn is a fucking panther. I would not want to run into her in a dark alley. Chick is terrifying.

My god, did she poop her pants?


• Justin’s nipples are truly haunting. My nightmares are now filled with images of his nipples, Samantha’s fingernails and Dan on top of me naked.



• On Justin and Cassandra’s date, Justin is forced to apologize to the company who supplied those horses to ride because he blew his wad on top of his horse when Cassandra pulled off her shirt.

• She’s a single mom? Without a man? Sooo at my kids’ elementary school, if she walked in to pick up her kid, all the dads, married or not, would be all over her, likes flies on shit. I even might be all over her.

• Jared tells Ashley he doesn’t like her and that he’s leaving. She is super sad and says, “I don’t care about leaving here alone. I care about leaving here without him.” She wins points with me here. Most girls just whine about not finding anyone to love them and they’re tired of being alone. She at least has genuine feelings for him. Did I just defend her?

• Nick doesn’t have anything good to say about Samantha except her looks. I would be super annoyed if all men talked about was how beautiful I was. That is a total lie.

• Sam physically cringes when she kisses Nick. It’s probably all the winking that is turning her off.

• At the cocktail party, Harrison tells everyone if you accept a rose, it means there will be a great love story. Harrison has been hitting the tequila with Jorge. Delusional, much?

Speaking of Jorge...is that you Jorge?


• Cocktail party: both Ashley’s leave, Amber leaves, Dan leaves, Mikey leaves (not after trying to give his rose to Mackenzie, who chooses time with Quinoa over him), Mackenzie leaves, Jaclyn leaves and Chelsie leaves. Now that’s some cleaning house I can get behind! Boom!

• Down to five couples, who are given overnight dates to bang to their heart’s content.

• Kirk pulls Carly aside. She jokes, “You’re not breaking up with me are you?? HEE HEE HEE!” Oh nooooo. She must be blindsided. (And now, please Google “carly kirk blindsided”. You won’t regret it. Well, you might.)

• He dumps her and she is super sad and surprised, but acts a wee bit dramatic by refusing to look at him, running away, etc. I like her despite the fact she wears rings on her index fingers, but she was a bit dramatic-pants here. But it actually is sad… And Kirk has some fucked-up man baggage to deal with.

• What if they had to share the van to the airport? Even if they don’t, what if they run into each other at the ticket counter? Awkward city. Why am I the only one who thinks of these things?


NIGHT TWO! 

• Tanner is worried that Jade will be so sad about Carly and Kirk that it will fuck up his opportunity to bury it in Jade tonight on their overnight date. So that’s kind of RUDE.

• Cassandra decides she’s not ready to lie in a bed next to Justin’s nipples so she tells him no thanks to the sleepover.

• Tenley is confused about Joshua, doubting it could ever work in the real world. But she decides to bang him anyway.

• Nick is excited to dig deep into Samantha. Mmm hmm.

• Jade and Tanner tell each other “I love you.” Awwww. It’s cute, actually. Still can’t picture him naked on top of me, though. But now I can picture him naked on top of Jade and that’s not much better.

• Final rose ceremony…Harrison tells them that roses today means you’re committed to a life together outside of paradise with marriage, kids, the whole thing. Easy, Christopher. It MAYBE means you’ll go on ONE date after the show is over. Easy.

• Justin’s nipples give Cassandra a rose and she accepts. Weird couple.

• Nick and Samantha don’t even know how to greet each other, but oddly she still accepts his rose and calls him “prince charming.” Looks like she’s gotten close to Jorge too. Honestly, is she hammered?

• Sadly, Tenley doesn’t take Joshua’s rose. They live in separate states and she doesn’t want to deal with that. I’m crying a bit. So if it wasn’t clear I needed a Bachelor vacation, it sure as fuck is now.

• TANNER! GET YOUR GODDMAN HANDS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS.

• Tanner starts with, “I came here looking to have fun, but instead I found you.” Does this not make anyone else laugh?

• He proposes with a dinky little ring (Neil Lane – did you get totally fucked out of a Sayulita trip??)

• Jade says yes, and these two seem as solid as a relationship can get for being together three weeks in a Mexican resort with no worries and lots of tequila.

So long, folks. If I haven’t said it in awhile, I love all my readers and I especially appreciate you hanging in there with me these past months when I was clearly tired of this recapping action. I do it because you guys are all so nice. Let’s meet again in January – love you all and thank you! Xoxoxo

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap – What a Shit Show…

YOU GUYS I’m so burned out. Life is busy and this show is a fucking wreck of humanity. I’m finding it SUPER hard to recap. So I’m thinking instead of a straight recap, my only hope at publishing a goddamn thing is to bullet point some of the thoughts I had while watching Sunday and Monday’s shows. I’m sorry for my half-assing. Bachelor is back in January, so after a few months off, perhaps I’ll be all renewed and excited to jump back in. Maybe… Anyhoo, here we go:

 • Ashley says Samantha is the kind of girl who gets anything she wants in life. SO TRUE. She’s 100% dependent on her hotness so she fucks with men, humps whoever she wants, and probably gets free donuts when she goes into Safeway.

• Chris Bojangles or whatever his name is, is there AGAIN. He is a true mess. I hope he sees what a ridiculous ass he just made of himself and moves on in life. He also says he’s “coming in hot” to the situation, which just makes him sound like he’s got a case of very active herpes.

• On Justin and Amber’s date, he takes off his shirt which only makes his salsa dancing THAT much more unattractive, thanks to his wackjob of a sunburn. My GOD, people, you’re in MEXICO. Sunscreen that shit, please.

• Dan tells Amber that when he saw her leave on her date with Justin, he did NOT have that feeling of “oh my god, was letting her go a mistake?” Which MIGHT be the most painful, slap-in-the-face way to tell someone you’re not interested in her. Also, he is just getting douchier and douchier. I wish he’d STOP TALKING. And by the way, Dan? NO WAY in hell Samantha would be interested in you. Oh wait! I forgot the best part – after Dan says all this to Amber, he also says, “You just can’t force something if it’s not there”, and “I don’t want to lead you on”. Amber THEN says, “Now I’m really confused.” SERIOUSLY? You should be less confused than you’ve been in years. He does not like you. Period.

Sam? Like me? HAHHAHAHAHAHA!


• Joshua and Tenley are forced to grocery shop on their date. Not cool, Bachelor people.

• Ashley calls herself a natural-born writer. Ohhhh no. And then hands him a 9-page letter. She’s not a natural born editor, apparently.

• What does she NOT understand about Jared NOT liking her?

• I like Dan telling Sam that he has nothing against Joe, but he hates him and he’s a bad guy and terrible. But besides that, NOTHING against him.

• After Sam chooses Dan and sends Joe home, Joe says in the limo, “Girls like her don’t end up with guys like me. I deserve better.” I’m super into the fact he said that. I mean, he sucks too, but I’m so tired of him saying she’s too hot for him. Hotness doesn’t get you that far. But it probably gets you free donuts. (Dammit!)

• Dan says, “Even though I’m Sam’s second best option, we could still form something special.” I mean…….DAN. Can you not HEAR yourself? He says that Sam is the only one left who is interesting. Maybe in Mexico, interesting means hot, bitchy and boring. And free-donut getter.

• Nick tells Chelsea that he just decided to come in with “guns blazin’”. In what world would that be a good thing to say? It makes it sound like he comes in while hammering shots of tequila and wagging his penis around Mexico. Not attractive. Easy dork.

• Nick dumps Ashley S. and the worst part about the break-up to Ashley was the fact she was washing her face when he walked in. Girls confuse me. It’s not like she was pooping.

• When Mackenzie talks to Justin, they talk about the fact they both have kids and this is like GROUNDBREAKING to Mackenzie. God, that’s sad. Poor Quinoa. Kale, whatevs.

• Jaclyn is the absolute definition of a girl who is not attractive so she goes overboard with fake confidence, loudness, bitchiness and whoreness to overcompensate that she’s not good looking. What a fucking mess.

• Jaclyn claims she has an advantage over the other girls because the guys there are probably bored with the chicks by now. This might be true. But do you know what’s NOT an advantage? Your face.

• Mackenzie worries her marriage to Justin is real. Please, it’s Mexico. Nothing really works or makes sense there. It’s Mexico.

OK In an effort to actually tell you what happened, here it is: Justin asked Amber out, but they didn’t like each other. Dan told Amber he doesn’t like her. Chris came and went in 12 hours because nobody liked him. Joshua asked Chris for his date card before he left, which was a little ballsy and a little dick. He took Tenley out and they like each other---ish. Dan decides, in a moment of pure delusion, that he likes Sam and hopes he likes her. So he convinces her that Joe is a loser and a villain. Amber decides she likes Jared. Rose Ceremony…Roses are from girls this week: Carly to Kirk, Jade to Tanner, Tenley to Joshua, Juelia to Mikey, Ashley S. to Nick, Ashley I. to Jared, Amber to Justin and Samantha to…DAN. This sends Joe home, who shows us the text Sam wrote him. The one that says to do whatever it takes to get a rose and stay there. He should also get a new phone – it was a super blurry text. Chelsea arrives, but I don’t know who this is, but she flirts horribly with Dan. She then asks Nick out on a date – they don’t like each other. Or at least he doesn’t like her. Because guess what – he likes Sam too. I can’t handle these people. Mackenzie walks in – dumbest thing around. She asks Justin out and they go to a weird voodoo guy who rubs mud on them and marries them. There is no love connection there. Jaclyn comes in and insults people, acts bitchy and slutty and is generally annoying. Ashley decides she wants to have a fantasy suite date, so she asks Harrison who gives it to her. She asks Jared and they go. The end.

Let me just go off on a fucking rant about Ashley. If nothing else, I hope her parents are watching this and see this as the cry for help it is. She needs fucking counseling. Men don’t stay with you because you bang them. He’s told you he doesn’t like you – fucking suck it up and move on. The fact that she’s even considering giving up her virginity on TV, ON A REALITY SHOW, only in hopes that it might make a guy like her, is SO painful to watch. The good news is that Jared won’t do it – he’s too nice. The end. Again.

See you for finale next week!