Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise Finale Thoughts

I was SUPER into this show for awhile and now I’m bored. Speaking of boring, let’s talk about Jen…

• Jen says she needs Nick to open up more. In other words, “I need him to like me more.”

• Lace and Grant are bound to implode.

• Chicken Enthusiast is there? I mean, we are REALLY scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

• Nick asks chicken girl for her date card, because he wants to see if Jen is the one. However, it was just announced that he was chosen to be the Bachelor for next season. So either this is super anticlimactic because we know she’s not the one, or she IS the one and next season’s Bachelor really will be the most dramatic ever.

• Nick and Jen – those lucky ducks! They get the Mexican carnival date! Bet it’s pretty clean there.

• They head to a fortune teller. At the Mexican street fair…because Nick says he wants definitive answers about their future. I’m beginning to question his sanity.


• Josh’s eating/kissing/humping moans all sound the same. I bet that’s how he sounds when he’s doing anything remotely physical. Like mowing the lawn. Or pooping.

• Brett decides he doesn’t like Izzy anymore and tells her this. She decides at THAT EXACT MOMENT that she made a mistake by dumping Vinny. Funny how if Brett still liked her, she would NOT have regretted it. Girls are annoying.

• Izzy calls Vinny as she’s leaving and says she chose to leave paradise in hopes of them getting back together. Liar! I love how she makes it sound like she just decided this. When he sees the timing of all of this, he’ll know she’s full of shit, but it sounds like he suspects that anyway.

• Jami says that if Wells gives her a rose, she’d be like, “Thank you Jesus!” To which Jesus would respond with, “Awww you’re so welcome. I have some shit going on in the world this week, but you know what? We all need a break, so I flipped on ABC and it was clear you needed an assist here.”

• Shushanna suspects Wells isn’t going to give her a rose, so she storms off and says, “Why would I be here, I’m an adult!” Holy shit, she’s smart after all.

• Rose ceremony goes as expected except Brett goes home and Wells oddly decides to give Ashley a rose?

• Harrison brings everyone together and tells them to go away and talk. Uh yeeeeah, I think that’s probably what they’d do anyway? I’d be all, “We WERE talking and you just made me march up eight flights of stairs to your stupid palapa to tell me to go talk? Annoying. Now I’m sweaty. So is Josh.”

• The next morning, Wells dumps Ashley. Soooo, why didn’t he just do that last night?

• Harrison calls them all back to the Pressure Palapa and says, “Do you want kids? Do you want to be together forever? BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING WORSE THAN AN EMPTY PROMISE.” Jesus, Chris. Easy. None of them will last anyway.

• Could Lace’s shorts be any higher?

• NO NO NO NO NO You SHOULD NOT get matching tattoos. NO NO NO. These people are completely stupid. Also, shouldn’t a tattoo be covered with ointment of some kind and a bandage? It’s like fleshy and bloody. Ahhh, Mexico.

• Nick and Jen’s date consists of some stand-up paddle boarding, which is mostly not standing. I can’t talk about these two anymore. He doesn’t like her. It’s so obvious. Plus the producers got to him last night and offered him the Bachelor job if he dumped Jen.

• Carly and Evan get naked and paint. With another chubby lady. Then they try to wash it off in the shower together at the same time. Which seems like…just when they get some off, they rub it back on each other. This seems like a highly ineffective way to get clean. Also, I just can’t get over his facial hair.

• Josh and Amanda play soccer with kids, and by that I mean, Josh plays soccer. It seems as if Amanda doesn’t have an athletic bone in her body. Also, she always gets the dates with random kids from other countries involved. Just because she’s a mom. If they pulled that shit on me, I’d be all, “Yo, just because I HAVE kids doesn’t mean I like OTHER kids. Plus this is mama’s vacation. Can I have the yacht date please?”

• OK That’s enough for Monday’s episode. There were lots of “I love you’s” exchanged. And Lace looks totally stoned. That is all.

Tuesday Thoughts

• Everyone wakes up in robes. I can’t get over the feeling of what it must be like to make out with Evan’s face.

• OMG is there NOBODY in Mexico qualified to repair Lace’s eyelashes? That shit is shameful.

• Amanda wakes up wearing a full face of makeup. If I went to bed with that much makeup on my face, I’d look like a wet, deranged clown when I woke up…which can only mean that she got up and put that shit on before sunrise which is totes unacceptable.

• Amanda comments that waking up in a fancy hotel is totally different than at home with kids. She says she normally sleeps all night with one kid and the other wakes them up. Josh laughs uncomfortably and says, “SO WHAT TIME DOES THAT HAPPEN?” Oh Josh, you’re so fucked. I have two eight year olds and still don’t goddamn sleep.

• Neil Lane in the houuuuuse!

• How is Josh, in a white t-shirt, sweating 100 times more than Neil Lane in a wool suit?

• Evan and Carly go first – he proposes, she accepts and for some inexplicable reason, I’m fucking crying.

• Lace and Grant. Jesus THESE two. I mean, honestly. That’s all I got. Good lord.

• No wait, I got more. Lace says to the camera, “If Grant doesn’t propose I’ll be heartbroken.” Really? So if he says, “I love you so much and want to be with you. I can’t propose because it’s been three goddamn weeks and let’s face it, that is fucking stupid, but let’s leave paradise together, move in with me and keep moving forward.” She’s say, “AHHHH I’m HEARTBROKEN!” These people, I tell ya.

• Ocean is loud, yo.

• Grant does propose. She accepts. It’s cute. A little crazy. But cute. Mostly crazy though.

• Nick dumps Jen, duh. He cries a LOT, which I can’t decide – it’s either incredibly cute or complete bullshit. But I’m crying, because, well, I’m ridiculous.

• Jen leaves and cries. Then Nick leaves. What if they run into each other at the airport?

• Why does Nick’s facial hair look sexy and Evan’s looks molester-like?

• Amanda accepts Josh’s proposal, despite his sweat.

Well that’s ALL peeps! I can’t believe it’s over until January! Keep in touch, will ya? And thanks for putting up with my short, and always late, posts. Love you all!

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/30 Thoughts

I now hate Caila, Jared and Ashley. I hate Ashley the most, with Jared a close second. How does he not just scream at her and tell her she’s fucking crazy? And a total snatch? JARED: She is not doing this to protect you. I mean, come on. Oh and good news folks – next week is the finale! And Nick is the next Bachelor. Two pieces of good news.

Other thoughts:

• Ashley said that Jared made her feel safe and loved. Ummm, like the time he told you he loved you like a sister? Or the time he felt up Caila boobs while standing five feet from you? Totes true love. You psycho.

• Caila leaves and Jared goes with her, which is great because it’ll shut Ashley the fuck up. Also, Jared seems to have forgotten his luggage. And does he have his passport in his back pocket? Because if he doesn’t, that could be tricky getting through Immigration. But sure, super romantic. (?)

• Ashley has a light bulb moment when she realizes Wells likes her more when she’s not fucking crazy. Now we need to give her a few minutes to see if that logic carries over to everyone else in the goddamn universe. Honey, we ALL like you better when you’re not a psycho asshole.

• Neither Jami nor Ashley remotely stand a chance with Wells. Pluuuuease. He’s just enjoying the fact girls want to put their tongue in his mouth.

• Lauren and her SUPER Midwest accent arrive in Paradise along with Shushanna, who seems like a nice, dumb, albeit slightly slutty addition. She also walks like she has a pole stuck in her butthole.

• Lauren asks Brett out (someone please explain the attraction to lamp dude. Mama don’t get it). Shu asks Wells out, who seriously cannot believe his luck this week.

• When Brett says yes to Lauren, you can almost hear Vinny, all the way from home in New Jersey, yelling “YEEEEEEEES! SUCK IT IZZY!”

• Despite the fact he almost kills her with his surfboard, Lauren tells Brent she’s very attrAAAAActed to him. I don’t know how else to do Midwest accent in writing.

• Amanda is talking about getting engaged to Josh and I almost pass out from running around my living room shouting, “Noooooo you IDIOT!”

• I have two kids and I love kids, they’re a blessing, blah blah blah, but Josh is in for a rude awakening when he gets back to the real world with her. Taking care of two kids under age 5 is a far cry from sex noises 24-7 in Mexico.

OK Folks, that’s about it. See you for the finale next week. Neil Lane yo!

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/29 Thoughts

Now I wonder if there’s just no end to this? They’ll just shuttle skanks in and out for the next 15 years?


• Wells has never been so popular with women in his entire life.

• Ashley is blazing new trails and creating new meanings for the term “hot mess”. I mean, really, people, she’s special.

• She’s VERY tired of seeing Caila with Jared. So then leave? How does this logic escape her?

• I bet Ashley’s dog committed suicide. Or faked his own death to have a healthier relationship with a normal owner.

• I love how everyone is selling Ashley to Wells, convincing him to ask her out, but NOT telling him the truth about her. Everyone glosses over the “but why should I ask her out” question.

• Their date is fine, but he’s definitely not interested in her. At all.

THIS is why they never really eat on dates on this show.

• I’m not sure, but it feels like a bad decision to feed stray Mexican dogs your leftover tacos?

• ALL of these ladies’ eyelashes are a hot Mexican mess. Whoa.

• Lace is a fucking mess of a child. She plays the same attention-getting games I did in college. And once last week with my husband.

• Nick says he likes Jen and it’s going well. He says, “She’s not a strong personality.” Code for snooze-city.

• I do not understand the upper level bed with the revolving door. It’s the sex den? And they all just take turns? I do not want to have sex where Evan’s ejaculate may be.

• Who told Carly that red lace outfit was acceptable? I mean, it’s not even close. It looks like something the owner of a whorehouse would wear in an 80’s movie.

• Daniel gives one twin a plate of shitty American food in an attempt to woo her and get her rose. Makes sense because her odds of having the runs in that Mexican hut hotel aren’t good enough as it is, so let’s add some imported chicken nuggets into the mix.

• Twins bug Nick about Josh, and Nick is completely sane, rational and calm. He is the voice of reason, people. He’s the mature one. And he’s hot. Mama likes Nick now! Anyway, the twins need to mind their own fucking business.

• At the rose ceremony, roses go to predictable couples, and then the twins decide to leave and not give their roses out. I don’t get this at all. Why don’t they give it to Daniel and Carl/Bob/Steve, whoever, and just say it’s not because they like them but it’s fun to hang out in paradise? Whatever.

• On their way out the door, they tell Amanda Josh’s intentions aren’t pure. This is so fucking annoying. They say it like it’s a fact and they also say it all dramatic and bitchy. They should’ve said, “We think the dude sucks and has a major temper problem. We think he might be here just to fix his image but we have no real idea. But we just wanted to tell you our opinions and concerns.” But this assumes twins are rational, normal people.

• Josh MAD when he finds out. ME JOSH, JOSH MAD. He yells and Nick says it best when he says, “You could see Josh trying to stay calm and he couldn’t.” This dude would be a nightmare to date.

• Josh yells, “How dare you think I’m disingenuous!” Now he’s making up big fancy words. What? That’s a real word? Oh. Well it sounds big and fake.

• Annoying ass Jami shows up at 5:30am and meets Wells at the pool. She asks him out and they leave. They go off-roading and Wells claims he’s having a great date. For the record, that’s not because of Jami, but the off-roading thing.

• They go cliff-diving and by “cliff-diving”, I mean “shallow rock jumping”. And she plugs her nose, which is a total fucking dealbreaker for me. I have no idea why but this infuriates me. Just jump in and blow out your nose when you hit the water. There. I just taught you how to do it. There is NO EXCUSE for a 24-year-old woman to plug her nose when jumping into a body of water.

• Caila is becoming the second most annoying woman on this show, with her constant whining about Ashley. Fucking forget about her and just hang out with Jared. Stop being high maintenance and needy. Thank God I’ve never been an annoying girl like that. Oh wait…

OK More tonight…and then more next week? And perhaps the week after that.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/23 Thoughts

I have thoughts. Here they are.

• Izzy redeems herself by 1% by saying that she didn’t dump Vinny JUST because of Brett’s looks, but because she had doubts about Vinny too. Problem is, those doubts magically appeared when gay Brett and his lamp walked in.

• Vinny leaves, which makes him look like a man. Fuck her, dude. Get out, move on. He should’ve brought Ashley with him.

• Oh yay. Jade and Tanner are there. That definitely means excitement. (If I could type this in “sarcasm font”, I would.)

• Jen tells Nick not to hold back. Nick tells Jen he wants to take it slowly in hopes that he avoids becoming a Trivial Pursuit Question. That’s aiming a bit high. I’d say he’s more likely to be a Family Feud question. Of course that format is different so it wouldn’t make sense. But Trivial Pursuit isn’t even made anymore is it? Where am I going with this?

• Caila is 24??? She acts like she’s 40. Wait, I’m 40. She acts like she’s 60.

• Jared and Caila go out to fake dinner and then strip down and almost hump in a stream. Whoa. I guess she does like balls in her face (please refer to yesterday’s post).

• After making out, he pins her against a rock and she wraps his legs around him? Dad, I think he’s gonna pork her. He’s not gonna pork her, Russ. I think he’s gonna. He may pork her. Finish your breakfast.

• Carly and Evan go on a rebirth date in a sweaty Mexican cave. Maaaaaaaaybe the worst date of all time? There’s sweat, half-naked strangers, some chanting, hairy people pouring dirty water on me and Evan half naked. Yup, worst date ever.

• Oddly, Carly is into it. I guess her desperation has hit an all-time high. Oh I kid… maybe she’s maturing and realizing she needs a GOOD guy to marry. Not sure if she’ll want him orgasm-ing on top of her for the next 50 years but whatevs.

• Back at the compound, Psycho Ashley decides to up the bitch level by fucking with Jared and Caila. She claims she can stimulate his mind…um, that’s not stimulating, that’s fucking with him. Kick that crazy bitch out, please. You know why you’re not sexy, Ashley? Because you suck. Big time.

• Anyhoo, Ashley tells Jared that it’s clear he likes Caila more than Caila likes him. He runs to Caila. Caila runs to Ashley. I run to my freezer, grab some ice cream and call it a night.

OK See you next week. When does Wells get there?

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/22 Thoughts

This is good shit, people. I could watch this garbage for DAYS. Some thoughts:

• Ashley says she came to paradise to get over Jared. Ummm, that’s like going to an AA meeting for a margarita.

• So Jared looks her in the FACE and says, “I care about you but not romantically.” So if a guy said that to me, the LAST thing I would say back to him is, “......please?” or “ARE YOU SURE?” I understand being heartbroken, but really…yelling at him to love you rarely works. I’ve tried that too. Hey I was 22 once. Give me a break.

• Carly tells Evan she likes him now and they kiss. I cringe. So does she. Carly is just lonely and doesn’t want to be alone. I get that…and I feel for her. Maybe because this hits close to home: It reminds me of the time I dated the fat gay guy.

• At the rose ceremony, Daniel’s rose is the only one that’s a mystery. Which makes sense because he’s a fucking mystery. I think I love him now because he’s funny and oddly the voice of reason. But then he’s so gross too? I’m confused. I think when I turned 40, I lost my ability to snap judge.

• Speaking of the voice of reason – Daniel says to Ashley what we’re all thinking: If he doesn’t want to be with you, then you don’t want to be with him! Then he adds, “What you should do is bang 10 guys, and if you don’t like any of them, bang ten more.” Honestly, the guy is pretty wise. I mean, isn’t that basically what we all did? I like to think of my past as less sleazy than that, but let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we?

• He gives his rose to the Irish dancing twins, sending Ashley and Sarah home. Sarah cries in the car. Ashley cries in the car…then gets out and comes back. Sooooo, did Sarah not get the memo that if she just walks back into the compound, she can stay? This no-rules part of this show is confusing.

• Who the fuck is Carl? And no, Emily, he’s not hot because he’s wearing GODDAMN JEAN SHORTS.

• Brett, whoever the shit that is, comes in next and asks Caila out on a date. She says yes. Then no. Then yes, then no, then yes, then no. OMG girlfriend.

• The minute she gets on the booze cruise and gets some penis shoved in her face, she’s NOT pleased. Man she’s FUN. Geesh. Who DOESN’T like sweaty stranger balls in their face? What a buzzkill.

• Who the fuck is Ryan?

• Ryan asks Haley out which is weird because she was just on a date with Carl. Or is that a different twin? I don’t know. But she wears lingerie and converse shoes to horseback ride, so that’s weird.

• Grant tells Lace he’s in love with her. Oh no. She’s got a case of “I’m pretty desperate but then when a guy likes me TOO much, then that’s unattractive.”

• Izzy (aka Grass is Always Greener Girl) decides she wants to bang lamp guy and dump the hot, nice, caring dude she’s been with for SO LONG that she’s grown tired of him. I hate girls.

• Vinny says, “So you’re going to throw away what we have because of one ten-minute conversation?” No, not really. It’s from one conversation AND the way he looks. That’s WAY better.

• Izzy will learn within ten minutes that Brett is lame and she’ll run back to Vinny who hopefully will not take her back and she will learn, the hard way, what we ALL learned when we dumped the nice guy for the hot guy. Except Brett isn’t hot. But you get my point.

OK One more hour tonight. We can’t have too many more weeks of this, can we? See you guys tomorrow!

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/16 Thoughts

Let’s talk about the Olympics instead. I want to see Men’s springboard diving naked. Not that I’m remotely attracted to those dudes at all, but it would be super amusing to see those floppy penises and testicles spinning around at 40mph. Onto Bachelor in Paradise…

• I’m sure Ashley I. is sweet but MAN does she have issues. And in ten years when (hopefully) she’s matured and happily married, she is going to be so sad that the Internet exists.

• Jared is beyond sad she’s there. Not only is he 100% not interested in her, but her drama is fucking up his chances with Caila. Also, what’s the deal with the Caila/Ashley back-story? How are they all friends? Apparently Caila told Ashley she wouldn’t go after Jared, but I find that hard to believe?

• Haley plays the role of the overly honest, blunt friend, telling Ashley how Jared’s eyes lit up when he saw Caila. Despite the fact Ashley is sitting there crying about him. I’m all for honesty but perhaps know what details to avoid vomiting all over your emotionally unbalanced friend.

• Daniel and Ashley make a perfect, ridiculous pair. I kind of wished they had sex. And despite their relatively fun date, Ashley wakes up bawling about Jared.

• Josh is still moaning, FYI.

• Jen arrives. She’s the small business owner, which if you recall from my recaps of Ben’s season, I loved to speculate what the shit “small business owner” really meant. I have narrowed it down to Chinese restaurant owner or owner of a bead kiosk at the mall.

• We got it, cameras, Jen has boobs.

• Jen is suuuuuuuuuuuuuper boring. Nick calls it gracefulness. That’s just code for little-to-no personality.

• So Evan goes to the hospital because he has a swollen ankle? And where did that un-gloved paramedic receive his IV insertion training? Holy shit.

• Before the rose ceremony, Nick gives me another reason to love him. He tells Ashley she’s fucking crazy and will never, ever, ever be with Jared. He says it a little nicer than that.

OK That’s all for this week! See you soon, peeps.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/15 Thoughts

Here are this week’s thoughts on Evan’s grossness, Josh’s grossness and Amanda’s annoyingness:

• Evan interrupting Josh and Amanda’s makeout session? I mean…come on. “Umm excuse me? Josh? If you wouldn’t mind removing your penis from Amanda’s vagine for just a second, I want to feed her lobster and tell her I might love her.

• Josh groans when he kisses and he groans when he eats pizza (in a nauseating fashion, I might add). He then groans as he eats pizza while simultaneously tonguing Amanda. So fucking gross. Also, what’s wrong with her?

This seems like some kind of disorder worth investigating 

 • Evan pulls Amanda aside again before the rose ceremony (WHY is nobody stopping him), and tells her about Andi’s book and how Josh is an abusive dickface. Within ten seconds, Josh finds out about this shit-talking and wants to talk to Evan. He throws in a lot of Jesus talk and tries to keep his cool (to avoid further abuse allegations) and generally does a horrible job of coming across as a normal, nice person.

• Sarah kisses Christian and Daniel. She tells Christian that their date was the best date she’s ever had. She tells us Daniel’s kiss wasn’t great. Then she gives the rose to Daniel. Chick is confused.

• Rose ceremony: Lace gives her rose to Grant, Izzy to Vinny, Emily to Jared, Amanda to Josh, Sarah to Daniel and Carly to Evan. Wait, what? And then Haley to Nick.

• Brandon and Christian head home. Have we figured out who Brandon is yet?

• Everyone is super excited about the arrival of Caila’s hair to paradise.

• Speaking of abuse claims…Josh is to Andi, as Caila is to horses:

• Why is everyone napping together like a pile of kittens?

• Lace and Grant, along with Izzy and Vinny go on a double date to Senor Frogs. Gee thanks, Bachelor people.

• Jared likes Caila so he tells Emily that he wants to explore things with her (aka her vagine). Emily takes it like a champ…until she’s alone in front of the Bachelor cam.

• Evan gets a little drunk with Carly, Daniel and Sarah. Later, he passes out alone in his room and for some inexplicable reason, the producers call a medic when all the poor bastard wants to do is sleep. PS – Evan looks like Shakespeare with that fucking facial hair.

• The producers have no reason to call Carly, but they do anyway in hopes of some added drama. She decides to make out with him. All I can say is that she’s confused too and THIS fucking outfit should be illegal:

• Amanda and Josh have sex on camera, complete with squeals, moans and a few “likes” thrown in by Amanda. Just kidding. Also, I can’t imagine the sweaty mess under those sheets.

Well, that’s it. Until tonight. With Ashley I.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/9 Thoughts

One hour of this show is much more manageable, no? Here are some quick thoughts:

• Amanda and Josh making out at 8am? Cut that shit out, it’s breakfast time for fucks’ sake.

• Amanda literally had zero lines this episode yet she had more airtime than anyone. I have a feeling that they actually only made out once but the producers kept playing it over and over to make it seem more slobbery.

• Christian comes in (happy black dude from JoJo’s season). His date card says, “Who are you falling for?” Umm nobody because I literally JUST walked in. This show is so stupid.

• Christian asks Sarah out and they spend the day cheating death with a Mexican zip line. Let’s make good decisions, people, shall we?

• Daniel says he could help Evan by shaving that crap off his face and basically making him less Evan-ish. I seriously couldn’t have said it better myself.

• Hold the phone, does that say Evan is 33? No way. Try 53.

• Brandon from Desiree’s season? Who? He asks a twin out on a date, and the twins decide to switch spots halfway through the date. He has no clue, and they’re not pleased. But I kind of don’t blame him – they’re identical and don’t really have too many layers. They’re no Leah. (?)

• Sarah tells Daniel that her date with Christian was nice but she kept thinking how much more fun it would be if Daniel was with her. I mean…she DOES know he’ll watch this one day, right?

• Three couples making out in a row is friggin disgusting. What if one of them decides to give a hand job or something? This is awful. Also, I’m so old.

• Evan gets his paws on a fully cooked and prepared lobster and decides to whisk Amanda away to his romantic lobster den. He plans on interrupting Amanda and Josh’s makeout sesh and I want to fucking punch him in the face. I mean DUDE, I’m all for putting yourself out there and taking risks, but pick your moment.

OK That’s all for this week…see you Monday!

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/8 Thoughts

Thoughts on this unbelievably scripted shitshow:

• Leah from Ben’s season decided that pretty and natural wasn’t working for her, so she went for a new trampy/severe look. Whoa. She’s wearing full nighttime, smoky eye makeup. During the day. On the beach. Her eye shadow is sparkly for fucks’ sake.

• She is sad Chad left because she wants to give him her date card. They all tell her that he’s actually awful, aggressive and violent… and she’s still sad. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say she’s a wee bit fucked up.

• Leah asks Nick out and they head to the totally fake “Festival de Margaritas”. That sounds like a party I would have at my house for aged 40+ suburban moms.

• Lace’s hair and eyelashes are a total disaster. The extensions looked bad on day 1. Add in three days of tequila, chlorine and Grant’s sperm in her hair and they need an immediate deep conditioning. And those eyelashes are insanely stupid looking. Clump city.

• Amanda…seems nice, but not THAT hot and says “like” waaaaay too much. And has two kids. What’s the appeal?

• Leah and Nick kiss and it’s awful. I’m definitely under my couch. So awkward.

• Dick producers give Nick a date card immediately after he gets home from his date with Leah because they know he doesn’t like her and they like to set chicks up to cry. As expected, he asks Amanda out. And Leah cries and I’m cringing because if she gets tears on that face of cosmetics, that shit might make an unrepairable mess.

• On their date, Nick tells Amanda he likes girls with bold personalities and says Amanda has that edge. Ummm come again?

• Evan and Carly kiss and I’m definitely under the sofa again. Holy fuck, stop.

 OMG no no no.

• Grant and Lace bang in his bedroom, keeping their microphones on so we can hear all the moans. I feel like vomiting.

• Sarah and Vinny bond and he kisses her. He seems so sweet. Then he turns around and kisses Izzy. I get that this show is about playing the field but that just seems uber lame.

• Nick tells Leah he’s giving his rose to Amanda. She says she feels blindsided. That’s the second time in less than five hours, she’s been “blindsided.” Perhaps that’s because of all the dark shit in her eyes.

• Is Leah wearing a boob chain?

• Leah says she’s not crazy. And that she has lots of layers. If you’re not crazy and actually have a lot of layers, you don’t tell people you’re not crazy and have a lot of layers.

Rose Ceremony 

Grant gives his rose to Lace and her extensions, Nick gives his rose to Amanda, Evan to Carly, Jared to Emily (and Haley), Vinny to Izzy (dick) and Daniel to Sarah. Therefore Jubilee and Leah head home. No loss there.

• Josh, from Andi’s season, gets there and this guy is such a bullshit schmooze, my god.

• He asks Amanda out and they kiss. A lot. And then some more. Anytime he actually talks to her, he just oozes gross. He is hot though.

• Andi wrote a tell-all book and apparently bashes Josh in the book. When asked about it, he says, “How do I comment on that? It’s fictional.” Umm, here’s how you comment on it: “I feel like Andi didn’t tell the truth in her book and that hurts.” Not that hard, right?

• Dick producers now give Evan the date card because they know he likes Carly and they know Carly doesn’t like him. She’s kind of funny but it quickly turns pretty bitchy.

• The longest, hottest world record kiss between them is so fucking disgusting I want to vomit. She actually does.

• Josh moans when he kisses. That is a massive deal breaker. No no no.

OK That’s all for now. But don’t worry, it’s on again TONIGHT. Jesus.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise Premiere Thoughts

YOU GUYS. This shit is amazing. This is what the whole franchise should be about. Just the worst of the worst, no promises of love, just straight-up drunk assholes. I LOVE IT.

No, I kid, I kid. I mean, sort of. It’s also nice when they show people actually like each other but you cannot deny the entertainment factor of last night. I mean, COME ON. Daniel alone? Chad too, of course, but that’s more obvious. When you get a dude like Daniel, you have to just wonder where he’ll end up in life. Will someone actually marry him? Decent looking guy and I love when he’s the voice of reason, trying to talk Chad down…but then he compares himself to herpes and you just wonder if he knows what he’ll sound like?

OK so far we have: Emily and Haley (twins), Nick (again), Jubilee (weird war vet), Evan (erectile dysfunction guy), Chad (no explanation necessary), Lace (crazy, trying to convince herself she’s not crazy anymore. Spoiler alert: She still is), Daniel, Vinny, Izzy (seriously, who?), Carly, Grant, Sarah, and Amanda. I think that’s it. Here are some more thoughts:

• Jubilee realizes she has a resting bitch face and vows to change it. Does she know she also has a moving bitch face? OMG rude, Jen. Sorry, Jubes. I’ll give you another chance…but you do seem a little odd so far.

• Carly is planning to test drive some cars while she’s there. So that doesn’t make her sound whorey at all.

• Daniel says the girls there all look like fruit that has been bruised in transportation and I pray he never leaves this show.

 • Jubes asks Jared out on a date and by the look on his face, I think Jared really would have preferred to stay drunk in that pool all night.

• Lace and Chad hook up, then hit each other a lot, then drink a LOT, then fight a lot, then break up. Chad tries to hit Evan and Daniel and then calls Sara a “one-armed bitch”. Soooo yeaaaah, if that doesn’t clear things up about Chad, I don’t know what does. Guy is an asshole – pretty simple.

• Stranger Izzy and Vinny hook up – he didn’t want to kiss her but she goes for it. She might as well – it’s not like her reputation can be tarnished, as nobody knows who the shit she is.

• Chad is walking around growling and it’s amazing. Oh and Daniel tells him that he’ll “take him down to Chinatown.” I mean, people – this is the best show ever.

• Chad passes out with a crab in his hair and his microphone in his mouth. Then he shits his pants, and I kind of can’t believe the producers aired that part. Again, this show is amazing.

• Picturing Evan on top of me naked makes me shudder in fear. If that feeling wasn’t cemented before, seeing him in those sunglasses nailed that coffin shut.

• Chad gets sent home and he claims it’s because nobody can take a joke. He’s right – SARAH, you should totally laugh that off – where’s your sense of humor? It’s not like you’re missing a leg or torso, it’s JUST an arm.

• If anyone thinks the above bullet is NOT sarcasm, please revisit the rest of my blog until you realize I’m a smart ass 90% of the time.

• Do you think Harrison really went to bed in a rowboat with a mimosa in his hand? That actually sounds kind of nice.

I can’t believe this shit is EVERY Monday and EVERY Tuesday. That’s kind of awesome? I think? I’ll let you know if it’s not awesome in a couple weeks. See you next week!

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

The Bachelorette Finale Thoughts

Three hours? I feel like I was just waterboarded. God that’s inappropriate. Sorry.

But I was excited to see how this shit wrapped up. I was hoping it was Jordan because you could just tell she loved him. Robby was the safe one who would always make her feel safe and loved, but that’s not being in love. Amiright? Jordan might be a dirtbag, but he might not be. Lord knows this show can’t be trusted for editing. And if he is, she’ll be heartbroken and move on, like we all did when we fell in love with the wrong guy. (Band guy, Pretty-sure-you-were-gay guy, I’m talking to you)

Anyhoo, we’re in Thailand to wrap this up. Here are my Thai thoughts:

• JoJo tells her family she’s in love with both guys but she hasn’t said that to them, considering what she went through with Ben. Camera pans to Ben in the audience who is like, “CAN WE FUCKING MOVE PAST THIS POINT ALREADY?”

• JoJo’s family likes Jordan with the exception of JoJo’s sister who clearly hates him. (?)

• Everybody likes to tell Jordan about JoJo’s trust issues with men. If I were JoJo, I’d be all, “Easy on the pointing out my flaws shit, please.”

• When JoJo’s mom sits with Robby, she says, “I don’t want her broken heart to be a discussion at our dinner table anymore.” I know what she means but that’s kind of a dick way to say it, no? Maybe a simple, “I don’t want to see her hurt again” would have sufficed? Ahhh, I’ll blame it on the face filler. I don’t know what that means.

• JoJo’s dad cries when Robby asks for her hand in marriage. JoJo cries. JoJo’s sister cries (?), Jen cries. DAMMIT.

• On their last date, JoJo tells Robby, “It’s overwhelming how much I trust you.” She then adds, “I trust the shit out of you. My trust for you makes me so hot.” See what I mean, people? Has to be more than trust. Sure that’s important but let’s START with love, mmmkay?

• Robby leaves her for the last time and says, “I want her to know I have no doubts.” Dude I think that’s clear.

• In a Thai cave, when he can’t escape, JoJo asks Jordan why he didn’t ask for her parent’s blessing to marry her. He explains that it didn’t feel right, considering ANOTHER FUCKING GUY is planning to propose the same day. What doesn’t she get about that? I’m with Jordan on this one.

 no reason.

• Neil Lane is in Thailand! Wearing a shit ton of clothing in that humidity. Whoa.

• They both write her letters and she reads them and I am fucking crying like a goddamn baby. Hold it together, Jen! My god. But please, this shit is sad!

• Robby gets out of the limo first, despite the producers attempt to fool us because this guy is wearing socks when we all clearly saw Robby put on his shoes without socks. I fell for it.

• He walks down to her and I’m now hiding under my sofa. Oh shiiiiiiit, this is going to be SAD.

 • Thank god she doesn’t let him propose. He’s in shock when she tells him that her heart is somewhere else. OUCH. She says, “I wanted it to be you”, but she just didn’t love him. The heart wants what the heart wants, people.

• Jordan proposes, she accepts and I’m crying again. I am dangerously dehydrated at this point.

• I can’t bullet point After the Final Rose because it’s an hour of stupidness. In a nutshell: Robby still sad but extra fancy looking today. Tabloids have been tough on JoJo and Jordan but their love got them through it. He’s moving to Dallas next week and the Bachelor producers are sending them to Pennsylvania as a gift (?).

Bachelor in Paradise is all I can think about. Let’s get that party started! Thanks for hanging in with me all season! Still love you all.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

The Bachelorette - Men Tell All Thoughts

I hated that episode. It doesn’t need be to two hours long and way to give Chad more fucking screen time. I have thoughts, but honestly, that shit was painful to watch so I totally zoned out most of it. Here are like…five thoughts.

 No seriously, who is this?

• I could NOT be more excited for Bachelor in Paradise. How does Wells hook up with Ashley Kardashian chick? There goes my hope for Wells being fun and normal.

• MULTIPLE marriage proposals? I mean, come on! That is awesome! BIP! BIP! BIP!

• Jubilee = still wet blanket

• Chad... ok Chad gets a paragraph and then I’m done with him:

Chad is a crazy asshole. He thinks he’s cool and funny and he loves to think he’s a shit-stirrer. Since he went on the Bachelorette and became this famous villain guy, he’s upped the villain shit to cash in on his 15 minutes of fame. His Instagram feed is apparently a bunch of over-the-top douche bag stuff, and I don’t get why he’s so fascinating. They spent WAY to much time on him and his feuds and nothing was ever really determined about why he hated everyone and why they hated him. I mean, just cause he’s an asshole, sure, but we spent an hour on him and I don’t get it. OK Back to bullets. Oh wait! One more thing. My favorite part of the show was probably when Nick gets up and pretends he wants to fight Chad – they pan to the security guard who looks like he’s about to shit his pants. I could almost hear him talking to himself in his brain: “Oh shiiiiiit, please don’t actually go after him and make me step in. I’m like, 150 bills. I’d die. Please sit down please sit down please sit down.”

 • Alex still an angry wee thing.

• Turns out…Evan did push Chad. Ohmygod I hate this show. And I still do a little gag when I picture Evan having an orgasm on top of me. OMG why did I just say that?

• Luke in the hot seat. He’s ready to love again.

• Chase in the hot seat. He’s ready to love again.

• JoJo comes out and she’s still stupid hot. I’m not a lesbian but if I were going to be, I’d find her.

• I zoned out the rest and then my DVR cut out. I’m not about to waste my time to find it online, so there is your stellar reporting, people.

Let’s just write this one off and dive into Bachelor in Paradise. Starts next week! OK I’m getting ahead of myself. Finale on Monday peeps – see you then!

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

The Bachelorette - Week 8 Thoughts

We still have four goddamn dudes left and JoJo is still prancing around a runway. Oh wait, she’s good! Here we go:

She gives roses to Jordan, Robby and Chase, which means Luke gets sent home. Wait, that’s what she was going to do last week anyway! Thanks for the weeklong cliffhanger, Bachelor dicks. OK More thoughts:

• Luke is in total shock. It’s actually sad and I HATE it when I get really sad at this shit show. I wonder what it really was about him that she didn’t like? Maybe he’ll be next Bachelor?

• JoJo checks into her Thailand hotel, which screams tsunami risk. Geesh.

• Last I heard, being on a boat with lightning is not optimal.

I mean, dock the damn boat. 

• JoJo says she’s excited to be intimate with Robby because she knows she’s in love with him. So she’s not playing coy about the sex aspect, eh? She might as well have said, “I do plan on having sexual relations with Robby tonight, yes. I would like to see how that goes.”

• She leaves Robby’s sex den the morning after and heads off to bang Jordan that night. I mean…this show IS weird, no?

• Jordan gets the shitty exercise-filled date. Also probably totally snake-filled. Throw some squirrels in there, a helicopter ride and Jada Pinkett Smith and it’s my true nightmare.

• And now a Thai cave?? Are we trying to die? My god.

• Is her fantasy suite with Jordan the exact same room as Robby’s sexual haven?

• The next morning Jordan says, “We took a big step last night, in a really exciting direction.” He adds, “And that direction was north…up her vagine. BOOM!”

• Chase is overly excited and it’s clear from the get-go that this is doomed. They walk around, they swim in the ocean, blah blah blah. Then they have dinner and I’m 94% certain he’s wearing a matador shirt?

• She gives him the fantasy suite card, and once they’re in there, he tells her that he loves her. She immediately leaves to go sit on a stoop. And stew. Stew stoop. It’s a stoop to stew. What am I doing?

• She goes back in and dumps him, saying she doesn’t feel the same. Do you think he’s more bummed that he won’t be humping her in ten minutes like he thought or that she dumped him for good?

• He tells her it was terrifying to say “I love you” and then she shattered him. I kind of agree her timing was not perfect there. The dude will probably never say the word “love” ever again.

• He’s sad, then he’s mad. Really mad. He storms off and she chases him. She’s chasing Chase.

• God, I’m exhausted from this crying and sadness bullshit. She must be really, really tired.

• As Jordan walks into rose ceremony, Chris Harrison asks Jordan what was it about this week that gave him so much confidence? (Really, Chris?) He responds, “Humping JoJo into Thursday, that’s what.”

• Robby walks into the rose ceremony and clearly Harrison needs to get laid because he says, “How was that time off camera?” He should’ve just said, “So how did actual penetration go this week?”

• No real rose ceremony, since it’s just Jordan and Robby. The three-way toast is downright weird. “I’m so lucky to be loved by you both.” Isn’t that weird for them? I was hoping she’d add, “And it was wonderful making love to both of you this week.”

Men Tell All tonight, which is long and stupid but I’ll watch of course. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

The Bachelorette – Hometown Thoughts

We’re down to four dudes: Chase, Jordan, Robby and Luke. At the end of the show, we’re down to…four dudes. I mean, has this season lasted forever or what? Fuck.

My thoughts:

• In case you didn’t catch onto this with the four million references to it but CHASE’S PARENTS ARE DIVORCED, you guys.

• Chase’s house is filled with bachelor pad-type décor. Meaning…he doesn’t decorate for shit. He just has leftover oak end tables and shit from college. But it’s a decent house, with the exception of this small detail:

Where’s the goddamn railing? 

• Chase’s Dad says, “He has a big heart.” Chase replies, “I got it from you, Dad. I mean, except for that time you left mom and she was totes devastated and I was like, you know, EIGHT FUCKING YEARS OLD, and I didn’t know how to make my pancakes but mom was crying too hard to do it for me but…where was I going with this?”

• Chase’s Mom is hot! Except why is she wearing some friggin Athleta-type exercise shirt? It’s a nice dinner, lady. And that is a HUGE horse painting whoa.

• OMG are they going skiing in their backyard? That’s a chairlift. With wine! Fun!

• Chase’s sister is also hot but it’s clear this “always hide your emotions” thing runs in the entire family.

• Chase’s mom tells him that he deserves an amazing girl, and Chase starts crying. She says, “Crying is not our style. I’M FUCKING SERIOUS YOUR FATHER MIGHT BE WATCHING. WE ARE ALL HAPPY WITHOUT HIM DAMMIT.

• Jesus, are there no deer in Texas? JoJo about shits her pants at the deer in Chico.

• Jordan lives in Nashville but he takes JoJo to Chico. Doesn’t matter – Aaron isn’t in either place.

• She’s the most nervous at his house. Cause she loves him the most. You know who I love the most? Jordan’s brother’s girlfriend. She’s fun.

• Why do I love Jordan a lot more now? He’s hot today. MMM. Maybe it was that damn “slam-her-up-against-a-wall-of-books” move.

• I love Robby but my takeaway after his date comes down to two points: 1) He cares more about his looks and wardrobe than I do, which would be a problem. 2) I would spend more time talking him off a ledge than the other way around. Which would also be a problem. I need someone level-leaded and un-emotional. To combat my general fucking craziness.

• They start their hometown date with a horse and carriage ride! Minus the animal cruelty, that looks super fun. Oh calm down PETA.

Robby's Mama may have had a few.

• Robby’s ex yelled at him and hit him in the face and they haven’t spoken since. Yeah, I’m with JoJo on this one. If it IS actually over, it would make me feel better if it hadn’t ended like my high school relationships did…or an episode of Cheaters.

• Robby’s younger brothers want to get in JoJo’s pants.

• Luke thinks it’s a good idea to invite everyone he knows to meet JoJo…because I’m sure that’s what she wanted to do today - Small talk 100 people instead of getting to know your family. Also, did you see some of those people? An eclectic bunch.

• Luke and his Dad talk about marriage…or maybe it was war? I don’t know. I want to go to bed. Then he talks to JoJo about the future on his hay sofa and again…time to end this shit.

Rose Ceremony 

Airport hangar rose ceremony is a new one, no? She’s about to give out three roses and ditch someone…and she oddly TELLS us that it’s going to be Luke. Then Luke asks to talk to her, tells her he’s in love with her, and then she freaks out. She weeps and runs around on the runway for a bit which seems like a major FAA violation, no? She ends up doing…nothing. That’s right. We have to wait for next week, those fuckers.

Next week is a two-night deal – she gets rid of a couple dudes and then we have the men-tell-all special. So we’re almost done and then we can all move on to Bachelor in Paradise (premieres August 2nd, I think?) See you guys next week!

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

The Bachelorette – Week 6 Thoughts

Did I totally predict that Alex and James would be going home this week or WHAT? Oh wait, everybody did.

SO six guys left, but clearly there’s really only four left. Now we just have two hours to watch it happen. Here are my thoughts:

• Alex is whiny. And angry. And amazingly unperceptive. Whoa.

• That is a shit ass bus and those poor bastards have to spend about 17 hours on it. Let’s hope nobody had the runs after that mystery meat.

• On Alex’s one-on-one date, JoJo comments that this feels just like a normal day! While they’re in Argentina. In a limo. Eating Doritos. With one of your five boyfriends.

• Alex is soooo relieved he was able to get on that horse without the gaucho pushing his ass onto it, like he did for JoJo.

 “Look how connected they are!”, says JoJo. 

 I mean…they definitely make love sometimes, right? 

• Her lack of sexual attraction towards Alex is painfully apparent.

• Is nobody concerned about the wild dog hanging out with them at dinner? Gross.

• So let me get this straight. “Out of respect for him”, she sends his ass home, after making out with him all day on top of their horse, AFTER he tells her that he’s falling in love with her…thereby forcing him to take an 8-hour bus ride back to the airport. Got it.

• Jordan’s one-on-one date: Wow, she likes him so much more than Alex. Anyhoo, when she climbs in the bucket of grapes WITH him and rubs that shit all over his calves with her feet, I gagged a little. Hair in my wine mmmmmm.

• Apparently, he’s not friends with his famous bro, Aaron. JoJo is now mourning the loss of her Packers season tickets.

• Mama likes that “nail me up against a wall” move. I mean, if my husband did it, I’d be all, “Dude, there’s spiders and dirt on that, cut it out.”

• Group Date for James, Chase and Robby is basically getting hammered at 2pm in a hotel room and playing games and watching TV. In other words, SERIOUSLY THE BEST DATE EVER.

• James Taylor putting 100 french fries in his mouth is 1) nauseating and 2) a massive waste of perfectly good fries.

• James Taylor decides to bluntly address the elephant in the room by telling JoJo, “It seems like we have a sweet connection but maybe you have a more physical connection with other guys…” And he says this as a squished French fry falls out of his neck folds.

• James Taylor calls his parents: “Mom? Dad? It’s me, your son! Oh I miss you too. I can’t wait for you to meet JoJo! She’s the girl you’ve always wanted me to meet! Say what? No, she can’t come to the phone right now. It looks like she’s got Robby’s tongue in her mouth at the moment. But anyhoo, so excited for you to meet her!”

• Luke date: More horses and tongue. That’s about it.

Rose Ceremony 

With Alex gone, we’re down to five dudes, and JoJo has four roses. They go to Luke, Jordan and Chase, which means James Taylor is going home. But man he goes out in style. Any chance of him being the next Bachelor? Not sure if the sexual appeal is there, but he’s a nice dude.

Hometowns next week! Can’t wait to see all the ugly couches and 80’s décor!

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The Bachelorette – Week 5 Thoughts

We are down to eight dudes. And we can pretty much count Derek, Alex, James and Wells out. Just cause. So down to four. Thoughts this week:

• Lots of social media chatter about their gay hair. CORRECT.

• Lots of chatter in my head about how goddamn tight their pants are. My god. Doesn’t that hurt one’s testicles?

• JoJo has trouble saying “Buenos Aires”.

• In general, there’s way too much fucking culture this season. Where’s the yacht in the Caribbean?

• So Harrison gets a free vacation to Argentina just to sit on a bench with JoJo for three minutes and shoot the shit? How does one get this gig?

Is everyone standing on a ledge but Alex? Oh…no they’re not. 

• Wells is coming off a little pussy-like. He’s normal and funny and probably my type, but for some reason, feels like a pussy.

• A lot of pressure for JoJo and Wells to kiss and it’s painful to watch. I’m under my sofa for a good portion of this date.

No, Wells. Agreed this isn’t the best time for the kiss. #awkwardcity. 

• Swimming on a date is pretty low on my “this date would be great” gauge.

• She sends Wells home, trying to say it was because he’s a skeptic or some shit, but she sends him home for the same reason she sends every guy home: She doesn’t like them that much. And she can’t picture them naked on top of her.

• I love that AFTER she dumps Wells she goes back to the swim club dance show place alone.

• The entire episode, James doesn’t stop talking about how ugly and dumb he is. I appreciate a humble guy, but enough dude.

• Luke’s one-on-one time during the group date is almost X-rated. She almost just straddles him when she sits down, like “fuck it, we’re not going to actually talk, are we? Let’s get down to business.” He’s hot – I like him, but someone pointed out that he’s too dark and dramatic and kind of overly sexual. I bet he makes HUGE sounds when he has an orgasm. He doesn’t seem to laugh much?

• James is feeling threatened by Jordan’s hair and tells JoJo a weird poker story. This is dumb. He needs to accept his pube hair and “not the hottest guy in the room” status and shut the shit up. Songwriter.

 • Group Date rose goes to Luke and his hog.

• Two on one date AGAIN is for Chase and Derek. I cannot get over how squirmy Derek makes me feel…in a bad way. He’s not ugly but there is something super unattractive about him. It is his fake confidence?

• Tango lessons to fight over a woman is super, super dumb. None of them want to do that. And let’s talk about THIS, geesh:

Hola, vagine. 

 • She sends Derek home, thank god. Chase is two weeks away from getting the boot, too, so don’t celebrate too much there, young man.

• Derek says, “Obviously Chase is more the type of person she’s looking for.” CORRECT.

• “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” solo, montaged over Derek crying in the car ride is editing genius. My husband walked in RIGHT at that point and was like, “seriously what the fuck.”

• Oh no, Chase is a face toucher too. Point taken away.

• At the cocktail party, James says to the camera, “You know, there are guys here who are better looking than me, who are smarter than me, who make more money than me, have better hair than me, are funnier than me…wait, where was I going with this? I’m so fucked.”

Rose Ceremony 

Chase and Luke already have roses. Others go to Robby and Jordan. She struggles with who to give the last one to and runs away for a minute. They make me think she’s giving them both the boot and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. She decides not to boot anyone and gives both James and Alex a rose. James is thrilled and Alex is much smarter about it, saying it’s a pity rose. CORRECT. Of course it is. He knows he doesn’t really stand a chance, and the same goes for James. Those two are so obviously gone next week…why prolong it?

See you guys next week!

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

The Bachelorette – Week 4 Thoughts

This is also known as the “Alex is mad at everything” episode. I’m planning on the same bullet-point format with my random thoughts on this episode, but interspersed, will be snippets of all the shit Alex is mad about. Here goes…

• Spreading Chad’s protein powder like ashes is actually pretty funny, but that shit is expensive. Also, litter much? Pennsylvania is going to be pissed.

• Chad: “I guess she thinks I’m too intense or something.” Well that and just the fact you’re kind of a douche bag.

Alex: “I mean, Chad is just an asshole. I’m so mad about him.”

• Evan’s mustache is gross.

• James (not Taylor) wrote JoJo a poem, read it to her and got sent home. Guys, that RARELY works out.

Alex: “I mean, I stood UP to talk to JoJo. If someone else doesn’t want to do that, that’s not my problem. I’m so mad about that.”

• Luke tells JoJo his heart beats faster when he thinks about her. At least he didn’t use the term butterflies. (Robby, I’m talking to you. I love you. A lot…but you need to cut out that butterfly shit STAT)

• Jordan just nails JoJo against the wall. I’m a big fan of this move.

Rose Ceremony 

Luke, Jordan and Alex already have roses. The rest go to:

Derek – pussy, I think.
Robby – I cannot figure out why I love him so much. Mama like mama like.
Chase – Sort of a mid-range competitor. He won’t win, he won’t go home next week. Nothing extraordinary. Too many tats.
Wells – Sooooo skinny. I’m not into muscle men at all but I’m also not into the 5 year-old boy look.
Grant – No no no. I mean, he seems sweet, but NOPE.
Vinny – I love Vinny! I don’t want him on top of me naked. Maybe I do a little…but he’s so sweet.
James Taylor – Ugh, ok he’s a nice guy for sure. Probably a good husband-type. But the naked on top of me gauge is saying hell no.
Evan – When JoJo says his name, he lets out a very unattractive “PHEW!” Easy, dude.

Therefore, Daniel and James get sent home. James gets the shaft for sure – Lots of other guys should have gone before him. But still, he wouldn’t have won, so whatevs. Oh and I kind of love Canadian Daniel’s “Take care, eh?” to the dudes.

• JoJo tells the guys they are off to Uruguay. They all pull out their phones and Google “your-a-gway”.

Alex: “I don’t trust Jordan. He might be here for fame. I’m really mad about that.”

• Jordan and JoJo one-on-one date: They swim with seals. Ummm, don’t sharks EAT seals? Aren’t you supposed to NOT look like a seal to avoid getting eaten by sharks? Seriously, it’s a miracle nobody has died on one of these dates yet.

• Back at the hotel, guys are reading tabloids and are worried JoJo is still in love with her ex.

Alex: “That’s not cool if JoJo is still in love with Chad. She better be here for the right reasons. I’m so mad about this.”

• Apparently, JoJo previously met Jordan’s ex who said he was a shitty boyfriend. She asks him about this and he admits it. I admire his honesty, buuuuuut this is a red flag, girlfriend. Like the red flag that should have been in the water with those seals.

• After her date with Jordan, JoJo says to the producers, “I am so happy and I don’t think anything can take away this feeling! You want to show me what?”

• JoJo is pissed about her ex Chad talking to tabloids. She cries a lot. A lot. Then tells the guys that she is super pissed about the article and she’s definitely there for the right reasons, blaaaaaaah. She never really denies banging him after Ben’s season though?

• I kind of want Luke in my pants.

• Uruguay looks cold, miserable and kind of shitty? I’m sure it’s nice, but I wouldn’t say this show is helping drum up tourism.

Alex: “You guys, it’s cold and rainy in Uruguay. I am mad about this.”

• Group date: JoJo kisses James Taylor like a brother. I give him one more week.

• Derek is super insecure and basically asks JoJo for reassurance. She gives him the rose. The other guys hate that. What’s funny is that this happens all the TIME with the girls on the Bachelor but the other girls don’t rain down shit on that girl.

Alex: “Derek is so insecure. I’m so mad about that. I should just worry about myself. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. Perhaps because I’M actually insecure and have an anger problem. Why can’t I let ANYTHING go? Anyway, I’m really mad about Derek.”

Wait one more:

Alex: “Also, I’m mad I didn’t get the rose. I talked to her about serious things and if that’s not enough, then I don’t know what is. I’m mad about this.” (Gee, maybe she just doesn’t fucking like you, dude.)

 Alex should also be insecure about Luke's nipples

• Robby and JoJo’s date is sweet. I love him. And I want him to save me from drowning sometime.

• Cliff diving? Did the producers clear this with anyone? And I’m not talking about just some Uruguay local. I bet that shit is cold too. Also, JoJo says she trusts him. Well yeah, he IS an Olympic swimmer apparently. Although that is not going to help you when your brain hits a rock on the way down.

• Robby tells her that he loves her. It feels early in the game for this. Why is he so eager beaver? But I like him so much that this isn’t a turn off…

• There’s a minor bitch gathering at the cocktail party. Derek oddly complains about the guys being mean, I think. Guys aren’t happy because Derek is distracting them from the task at hand….which is preparing to talk to JoJo?

Alex: “I’m trying to focus on what I’m going to say to JoJo. It’s a tough balance between being charming, faking how secure I am, sounding smart, trying to look tall and not sound so angry. So anyway, I’m mad about this.”

Rose Ceremony 

Derek, Jordan and Robby already have roses. The rest go to:

Luke – Mmmmm. 
Chase – Meh.
Alex – Gross, angry and lame.
James – Brotherly.
Wells – Thin. But cute.

 Maybe if I stand SUUUUUPER close to her, she won't tell how short I am. Or how angry I am.

Therefore, Evan, Grant, and Vinny get sent home. I’m sorry Evan is sad, but it was never going to happen. Grant – same thing. I’m actually bummed about Vinny, but he wasn’t going to last until the end either. But good luck to Vinny.

See you guys next week!

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

The Bachelorette - Week 3 1/2 Thoughts

I TOLD YOU. I knew Evan just bumped his face on the bottom of the pool and got a bloody nose. This show is such bullshit.

Thoughts on Week 3, part 2:

• Jordan’s spotty beard looks dirty.

• I love Robby but I doubt she’ll pick him.

• Footage of Chad eating is super gross. Why does it feel so graphic and munchy?

• Derek: Is he a total pussy? I can’t tell.

• It’s incredibly gross that all the dudes are muscle-y and oily and hang out in the kitchen like that making sandwiches. Isn’t there a health code of some kind?

Rose Ceremony 

I can’t imagine how unattractive I would look in JoJo’s crop top number for the rose ceremony.

James, Evan and Chase already have roses. The other 11 (you heard me) go to these dudes below. I listed them as JoJo calls them. I’ve also decided to include a brief description so you know who they are and a rating, on a scale of 1-10, if I want them on top of me naked. A “1” means fuck no. Danny DeVito for example. A “10” is hell yes, like Adam Levine.

Grant – firefighter with small teeth and a pointy face, OTOMN (on top of me naked) rating: 1

Derek – Slightly pussyish, looks like John Krasinski but not as funny and charming. OTOMN: 3  

Jordan – Ex-pro footballer, cute. OTOMN: 7  

Luke – Cute and mysterious – mama like. OTOMN: 9 (if he promises not to touch my face during lovemaking)

Robby – WHY do I find him so attractive? OTOMN: 9  

Wells – He’s probably built like the average man, but compared to all the overly muscled dudes on this show, Wells looks like a five-year-old boy. But he’s still cute and funny. And he has my dream job of morning show DJ, so maybe if I married him, he could get me a job. OTOMN: 6  

James F – I barely know who he is so my rating is difficult. He seems cute though. OTOMN: 6  

Vinny – You know the stereotype you picture when you hear a guy is named Vinny? That’s this guy. OTOMN: 4

Daniel – There is something hysterical about him and his insanely Canadian accent. I think he was buddies with Chad but didn’t really want to be. I’m on the fence. OTOMN: 5  

Alex – Sooooo short. And seems to have a problem letting things slide. OTOMN: 3  

Chad – Meathead who is clearly on roids, and kind of a dick. OTOMN: 1 (mostly because he would squish me)

Therefore, Nick, Ali and Christian go home. No surprises there.

• Pennsylvania is an odd choice but it looks nice-ish there. Despite the fact they make dogs pull humans on wheeled carts?

• Evan says, “This resort is rugged and manly so I feel comfortable.” Ummm, say what?

• Luke and JoJo do some making out in a big barrel of hot water. He’s yummy.

• Luke tells us he was recruited to play football at West Point. There’s something hot about this information, especially when it’s kind of unexpected.

• Luke is a perfect example of a guy who is cute, but not overly hot but holy moly I want him on top of me naked.

• Group Date…the physical one where everyone will get hurt. Starting with…James Taylor.
His quote here was, “I don’t think I want stitches.” 

• I assume any team with Evan and his tender nose will lose, but somehow they win. Which means JoJo takes that team to a cocktail party. Which means she gets to make out with Robby on a pool table, YUM.

• Later, back at the hotel, Chad is freaking out and threatening to punch everyone and it’s REALLY tiring.

• Alex and Chad go on a two-on-one hiking date. Hiking isn’t my thing. So this date doesn’t sound like a good idea with my husband in Hawaii, so it CERTAINLY doesn’t sound like a good idea in the winter, in Pennsylvania with two dudes with anger problems who hate each other.

• JoJo gives Chad the boot after Alex tells her that Chad is crazy pants. JoJo and Alex run off into the sunset and Chad stomps through the dark forest like an axe murderer. He knocks on the guys’ hotel door (or scratches it?) and Evan probably almost poops his pants.

So the show is off next week and back June 20th, so I’ll see you then. We’ll find out if Chad finally actually punches anyone (spoiler – he doesn’t). Love you guys!

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Bachelorette - Week 3 Thoughts

So many disgusting things about this week. Numero uno is this:

Me Chad. Chad HUNGRY. Chad like salad. Mmmm Salad. 

Other thoughts:

• I never want to do yumyum or meowmeow or actually do yoga in any capacity, ever again. If yoga was gaining popularity, this episode single handedly just demolished the thought of anyone new ever trying out yoga.

• Also, I take yoga class and I’ve never been asked to make a “HRRRGH!” sound or have an anger-gasm or straddle another participant. I HAVE been told to “ommm” and pretend the sound of traffic outside was actually ocean waves. But I’ll take that hippie shit over the meowmeow any day.

• Chase and JoJo head off to dinner and a private concert by an unknown artist – standard practice for this seriously repetitive show. I like Chase. I think he’s hot, right? Even though he made a heart shape with his fingers to the camera and I’m 75% confident he’s wearing Wranglers.

• Chad is not pleased he’s on a group date and decides to tell all the guys this. Then he throws out some roid-rage-driven insults and decides to pump some iron.

For real, what is going on here? 

• Group date: They not only have to do stand-up comedy, but also tell America some personal anecdote about their sex life. This is horrifying. Not as horrifying as Nick SHOWING me how he goes down on a girl. Good lord.

• Evan makes fun of Chad, who rips his wee little shirt because he’s so mad. 95% of this episode is about Chad being a dickface. In a nutshell, here’s why he’s an asshole: He hates the premise of the show, despite the fact he’s ON IT. He doesn’t want to do group dates or reveal his feelings or talk. Or be nice. Or stop lifting weights.

• JoJo gives Evan the rose, which is gross. Come on. Chad calls her out and says, “Is this a real scenario right now?” I agree. No way she likes him. But unlike me, Chad PROBABLY shouldn’t say that out loud.

• One-on-one date is for James Taylor. WHY is she not picking Robby or Luke?

• Because the guys feel Chad is a loose cannon ready to pop, they hire an overweight, sleepy security guard to protect them. Which is odd because EVEN I could kick the shit out of that guard. That guy isn’t protecting anyone from anything.

• Swing dancing lessons with James Taylor sounds like an awful date. He’s sweet but no thanks.

• James Taylor tells JoJo two things that are incredibly unfortunate. One is that he has zero confidence in his physical appearance (total turn on, thanks) and the other is that he has a zest for life. That would be exhausting to keep up with.


• Evan now cries to Chris Harrison saying he’s afraid of Chad. Harrison then tells Chad that Evan is afraid of him (sort of). He tells Chad to apologize to the guys, but before we get to that, the show is over and we’re given all these previews of bleeding men. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that two guys are bloody because they bumped heads during a pie eating contest or some other Bachelorette shtick. Probably has nothing to do with Chad.

• Last thought: Alex’s tattoos are not attractive. Boys – please think twice before you permanently mark your torso with a large tiger.

No rose ceremony because we ALL HAVE TO WATCH THIS SHIT AGAIN TONIGHT. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The Bachelorette – Week 2 Thoughts

Week 2, holy shit this is going to be a long season. Here’s some stupid crap that popped into my head this week:

• JoJo is in an oddly good mood for staying in the Westlake Village Inn? Where the hell is her mansion?

• Men should never use the term “butterflies” unless they are referring to ACTUAL butterflies.

 Look! Twinsies!

• First group date is for Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James (one of them), Wells and Robby. I want Luke or Robby in my pants. That is all.

• Professions include Former Swimmer, Hipster, and Veteran. Do any of them actually do anything NOW?

• Fire Academy date is right up there with the worst dates from this show that I would fucking hate. That looks exhausting and very sweaty. And way to put the firefighter on the firefighting date. He still doesn’t do it for me, by the way.

• Chad. This entire episode is about Chad so let’s just break this down now. He has a point, when he says the other dudes might be pussies. And that they’re all jumping the gun a bit with their feelings for her. HOWEVER, he straps his suitcase to his waist to workout, when he knows he’s being filmed. That alone says it all. He also MIGHT be the type of dude who pushes you into a wall when his team loses the Superbowl. Also, I bet when he falls in love with a chick and gets dumped, he turns completely fucking psycho.

• Back at the house, the guys write a song about JoJo and I’m beginning to side with Chad. Just a smidge.

• JoJo likes to kiss, yo. She’s very handsy, whoa. And that includes her hands on her own hair OH MY GOD stop touching it.

• Wells gets the group date rose for being out of shape, which is apparently endearing?

• Derek and JoJo go to San Francisco and then…I don’t know actually because I fell asleep.

 I mean, honestly. Put both of your damn hands on the wheel and OFF your hair.

• Next group date is Jordan, Christian, Nick, James, Alex and Chad. There’s another guy in there, actually, not sure who (you’re welcome for my stellar reporting). They go to ESPN to make asses out of themselves.

• Chad hates everyone and everything.

• The ESPN dudes power rank the guys, with James Taylor winning first place but only because those ESPN dudes don’t have to be the ones who run their hands through his hair.

• For the record, I LIKE James Taylor. He’s sweet and when he kisses JoJo, he doesn’t puss out – he just does it, like a man. But then there’s the hair and the whole songwriter thing. You have to be REALLY good and pretty famous for songwriting to be a turn-on.

• Chad says to the camera that JoJo doesn’t want a guy who kisses her ass. Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps…but I don’t think she wants a big fuckface either…CHAD.

• Alex is an annoying babypants at the cocktail party. Chad sucks but just ignore him, dude. Alex is SUPER pissy pants and his wee little suit is prancing all over the house yelling at him. Sort of.

• Chad still eating at the rose ceremony is the best.

Rose Ceremony 

Derek, Wells and James Taylor already have roses. Others go to:

Alex – Shorty McShortpants with a grudge
Christian – I hear he likes cats. This makes sense.
Robby – Mama like. Mmmmm.
Luke – Mama also like. Mmmmm. But do NOT touch my face when we makeout.
Chase – No idea.
Jordan – Football player dude who looks much less attractive when his hair falls into his face.
Grant – Firefighter who is NOT allowed on top of me naked.
Ali – Hairy, short and sweet.
Daniel – Drunk dude who calmed down this week but loves his black tank top.
James F. – Nope I got nothing.
Nick – Very smiley.
Vinny – Yo Vinny! Nope, nothing.
Evan – Penis doctor who is MAD at the cocktail party with no tie, no socks and a very tight shirt.
Chad – Hates everyone and INSISTS on only showing a super manly side of himself AT ALL TIMES. He screams insecurity. He also screams, “Yo I’m a dickface!”

Therefore, these three dudes head home:

James - The Superfan
Brandon – The Hipster who hasn’t seen the show, so this is no big deal because he doesn’t know that other people stayed. He just thought the show was over.
Will – Yeah, no.

See you guys soon!

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Bachelorette – Week 1 Thoughts

Hi Friends! I missed you guys. Back at it with my girl, JoJo who is looking hotter than ever, but is slightly more annoying than I expected. But we’ll get to that.

Soooo, as you might remember from last season, I stopped doing my full-blown recaps. They were too long and I made the same jokes over and over. Why? Because I’ve been blogging since 2007 and this shit is the same, people. THE EXACT SAME SHIT every season. So I end up repeating myself. So last season, I just made a short list of things that popped into my head each week as I watched the show, so I’m sticking with that format. I really am sorry if I’ve disappointed people – I hate letting people down. Which is the reason I’m still blogging this shit almost ten years later despite the fact that STILL nobody is paying me to do this. No really, I love my readers so I’m glad you’re still here. Here are my week one thoughts!

• JoJo walking slowly on the beach at sunset in the typical Bachelorette promo footage. But holy moly is she not super hot? (New readers: I am not a lesbian. I have a husband and don’t find the vagine appealing. But holy crap if I was a lesbian I would totally go for her.)

• Holy fuck this girl meeting (Ali, Kaitlyn, Desiree and JoJo) is so annoying. It’s like watching The View where all these bitches just talk over each other.

• New readers: My barometer for whether a man is marriage material is whether I can picture him on top of me naked. I know it sounds like I’m only judging physical things here, but it actually is a comprehensive assessment. It takes into account looks, sure, but also if he’s a total pussy or whether he would touch my face (the WORST), or if he’d be freaky in a bad way or if he’d be all groany and uncomfortable, etc. I can almost certainly tell if a man is a good husband by making this call. Sure it sounds like a snap judgment but you try blogging this shit for 10 years and see if you’re not an expert in snap judging too.

• Firefighter Grant…a great example of a decent guy on paper but OH NO I do not want him on top of me naked.

• Ex pro football player, Jordan: normal and hot except for the skinny jeans and girly walk. He tries to sound like a relationship guy by saying he had a true love but lost her because of his dedication to football. He adds, “Also, I MAAAAAY have banged a few cheerleaders, but you won’t air that part, right?”

• James, Bachelor Superfan is Supergay.

• Evan, erectile dysfunction guy, is a total fucking mystery. I mean…I have no clue how to snap judge him.

 "I can't stop smiling right now!" Gee, no idea why...

• Ali is hot but not totally evolved?

• Gym rat, bi-racial guy who raises his brothers (who are much too old to live at home? Are they not 30?) seems like a good guy. But it’s truly impossible to date someone who works out at 4am. I’d have to hide my Haagen Dazs from him.

• Isn’t JoJo a business-ish person? Then HOW does she not know how to fucking give a normal handshake? When the guys walk out of the limo, I’d handshake, then hug if it seemed right. She does this incredibly awkward double-hand-up thing, that’s not a high ten, not a handshake, not a hug, just a really weird mime-like greeting.

 "So I learned to mime in Paris. You?" That doesn't make sense. Sorry.

• Early favorite is Robby with the wine. Why Robby though? Let’s go with Rob.

• James Taylor needs to cut two inches of curls off the top of his head. Too high, too high.

• Hipster who has never seen the show is cracking me up. I can just picture him in the rose ceremony: “I’m sorry, what? I’m standing here until she calls my name to give me a rose? Is this a joke?”

• Something hot about quiet farm guy Luke. Except for the fact he’s jazzed about farming.

• Guys…NO pinkie rings ever. EVER. It is NEVER NEVER ok. You get an instant “No” on the “picturing me on top of me naked” thing. So gross.

 These guys are all the same dude

• Chad is resident asshole this season and it seems to be pretty accurate casting at this point.

• She is VERY handsy and grabby. Rubby McToucherson.

• New readers: When something is so awkward and hard to watch, I have to dive under my sofa. Who can guess the first dive-under-the-sofa this season? When Jordan is trying to kiss JoJo and they’re making gross small talk and he says, “I’m goofy, really goofy”, and then kiss. UGH.

• Jordan and his goofiness get the first impression rose.

Rose Ceremony 

OK So Jordan has a rose. Other roses go to:  

Luke – Farmer, but I’ll call him cowboy because that sounds hotter
Wells – The guy who travels with the singers
James Taylor – Not THE James Taylor. Clearly. Too much pube-y hair.
Grant – Firefighter and oddly not that hot
Derek – No clue
Christian – Nice bi-racial guy. I think I like him?
Chad – Villain who gets evil music played whenever he speaks
Chase – No idea
Alex – Extra short Marine? I think?
Robby – Mama like
Brandon – Hipster, very confused at what his friends signed him up for
James F. – Owns a boxing place, maybe?
Ali – Veeeeery hairy
Santa Claus – I think his real name is Nick. Oh I get it!
Will – Nerd central. He just can’t be on top of me naked. Nope. But he’ll invent some super computer and marry a model one day, so it’s OK.
James S. – Gay super fan. Also there are THREE dudes named James?
Vinny – Veeeery angry barber.
Evan – Just such an odd choice for this show that I don’t even know what to do with it.
Daniel – Drunk Canadian. Producer’s choice.

That means the following guys go home:

Jake – the black architect
Jonathan – Kilt dude. Didn’t see that one coming.
Coley – no clue
Nick – also no clue
Peter – this is a joke right? There was a guy named Peter there?
Sal – whatever. You don’t care, I don’t care.

See you guys next weeeeeeek!

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

The Bachelor Finale Thoughts

Soooo many thoughts people. Not really, actually. Just one thought. I love JoJo. And I’m not sure if this is in a “she’s so great” kind of way or a “I want to be her because she’s so freaking hot” kind of way or a “I might be a lesbian” kind of way. Hard to tell.

Onto my profound thoughts:

• I literally groaned when I remembered this shit is three hours long. Do you know how many times someone can say “love” “journey” or “fear” in three goddamn hours? A fucking lot.

• Neil Lane FINALLY gets a ticket to the live show!

• Oh shit, so does the pastor. How can he support this messed up premise?

• Lauren’s shorts look like they hurt her vagine.

• Shit, JoJo is wearing cut off jean shorts too? That’s it, I’m going to go buy some today. No wait, I’m going to work out for a few months and THEN go buy them. NO! I’m going to CUT my own. That’ll give me street cred.

• Ben’s mom is rational and smart and level headed and normal. She also has a tiiiiiny obsession with her little boy. NOBODY WILL LOVE YOU LIKE I DO, BEN.

• Ben’s Dad tells Lauren that he sees a twinkle in Ben’s eye today that he hasn’t seen before. The next day he tells JoJo that he sees a twinkle in Ben’s eye today that he’s only seen one other time before. You know, with his other girlfriend. Yesterday.

• Mama Higgins thinks Lauren is too good to be true and is totally naïve. She thinks Lauren doesn’t really know Ben. Well, that part is correct. She’s been dating him for 17 days.

• I can tell Mama Higgins wants to laugh in Lauren’s face and say, “You fuckwad, you have no idea how shitty and hard life will be. Marriage is sucky and hard and so is life. Can you deal with that?” OK that might be a little harsh, but Mama Higgins seems a smidge on the pessimistic side, no?

• JoJo kicks ass at impressing the parents. She’s much more real and raw and recognizes life isn’t always easy and actually ACTUALLY shows she attempted to get to know the REAL Ben. She says things like, “he’s hard on himself” and Mama and Papa Higgins are impressed she actually got to know him. This show is so fucked up. When a girl actually shows she knows something about her almost fiancé’s personality, it’s like the best thing ever.

• Lauren’s extensions are so obvious, right? Aren’t they supposed to blend more? And not have big bird’s nest type of things in the back?

• JoJo and Ben have NOT been through hard things. The hardest thing they’ve been through is warding off that crazy Jamaican guy chasing after their Jeep.

• JoJo and Ben’s final date was a trip to the Blue Hole. You guys know me so well, I don’t even have to make a “wet blue hole” joke here. Just make it up like you’re me.

• Ben tells JoJo that he’s confused and that he loves Lauren too. This kind of gives it away, right? He didn’t say that shit to Lauren. JoJo is emotional but it doesn’t feel as crazy and clingy as most chicks. I might be defending her. Probably because I’m in love with her.

“Ohhh yeaaaah, see, I haven’t actually decided WHO I’m proposing to in three hours.” 

• JoJo is first out of the helicopter and I’m honestly SAD. I may or may not have cried a little.

• She spills her guts out and he dumps her and it SUCKS. Pretty sad to think you might be engaged in five minutes, only to get dumped in Jamaica.

• Lauren comes out and Ben proposes blah blah blah.

• After the Final Rose…Lauren’s dress is awful. Guess whose dress is hot? JoJo. OK it’s a bit much with the 1980’s boob cutout, but still. Better than Lauren’s lacey shit frock.

• JoJo is being kind and normal and chill. She’s moved on and is in a good place. I crinkle my eyebrow and wonder why she’s not more sad? Then it dawns on me that she’s the next Bachelorette. Of COURSE.

• Yes, it was Caila and they switched it last minute. Why? Because Caila wasn’t that liked by people. They only chose her because they’ve been getting heat for only choosing white chicks. But in the end, the smarmy producers went with JoJo because it would be better for the show ratings in the end. Of course, I agree. I want to watch JoJo for sure (and not just because I may want to marry her). She’s tolerable and normal. Caila would have been a smidge on the annoying side.

• They undershot how long this episode would take and poor Chris Harrison is tasked with stretching out the show by five minutes. So he brings all the families out and makes everyone hug. When they’re done, he asks Ben for the tenth time tonight for how he feels. END IT. FOR THE LOVE, just end it.

I don’t know. I don’t have total confidence in these two. We will see… But Bachelorette starts in May, I think, with some Bachelor in Paradise this summer. I can’t miss those, so I will see you guys then! Thanks for always reading and your hilarious comments and everything else. Love you all!