Tuesday, January 26, 2016

The Bachelor - Week 4 Thoughts

Jesus this show is in a serious downward spiral. Along with Olivia’s self-respect.

My thoughts:

• Ben claims “Vegas is a place where people DO find love”. Ummm, no it’s not. It’s where people go to die of a heroin overdose. Or lose their 401Ks. OH! Or it’s where they just go to hang out with girl friends, but end up finding some cute boy who ends up sperming in his pants when all you’re doing is making out in the street, thereby ruining the rest of your night. Not talking about personal experience, though. Nope.

OK ladies, does everyone have their cropped distressed jeans, 
high heels and white loose shirt? 
Don't forget those beachy waves!

• JoJo gets the first one-on-one date and I can’t tell if she is mouse-y and odd-looking or completely beautiful. It’s unsettling to me when I can’t nail people based solely on snap judgments.

• JoJo and Ben seem very kissy considering I’ve never seen them speak before.

• When Ben talks to any of the girls alone, they all say they’re cautious and afraid to give too much of themselves for fear of being hurt. Ben responds with, “please don’t hold back.” I mean, ALL of them say this. And they ALL say it EVERY season. Stop saying it because it’s total bullshit, also. All of them get freaky obsessed and none of them ever, ever show any signs of any kind of “holding back”, whatsoever.

• JoJo claims she was scared to open up to Ben about her past. Ummm, her shady past? The one where she dated someone and it didn’t work out? Yeahhhh, that’s right up there with admitting to your past of child pornography addiction or ten previous children or an old manslaughter charge.

• Group date is a talent show in front of a Vegas audience. (Also, PLEASE someone explain the appeal of Terry Fator to me?)

 • Where does one begin with the trainwreck-ness of Olivia? Holy heavens. She is a mess, people. She is painfully, PAINFULLY, insecure. She’s the worst type of insecure too – where she tries SO HARD to pretend she’s not, that she looks like a total penis face. She needs to quiet down, go on a yoga retreat or something and think about what a penis face she is.

• Before Olivia’s dancing out of a cake meltdown, she claims, “I won’t fade to the back.” Ummm, someone tell her it’s actually OK, if not preferred, to sometimes fade to the back.

• I am more impressed than I care to admit with the twins Riverdance.

• Ben calls Caila a sex panther which is simultaneously disgusting, flattering, awesome and wrong.

• Kindergarten Teacher Lauren H would be much more sexual to me without the Midwest accent. Weird, no?

• Olivia now tells the camera that she needs to kiss Ben so she can go to bed happy. SOMEONE PLEASE PAGE HER PARENTS STAT.

• Becca is crazy hot, seems incredibly sweet and normal, yet there is something anti-sexual about her. She’s like a seahorse. Wait, is that right? Do I mean starfish?

• Ben and Becca spend their date marrying people in the Little White Chapel, but all I want to know is what the hell is happening here:

• Becca tells Ben that being a virgin is hard because when she’s attracted to someone, she really wants to jump their bones. This pleases me because I’m oddly relieved to hear that she’s not frozen inside. She’s horny, people!

• Ben takes Emily and Haley on a two-on-one date…to their mom’s house. To dump one of them. I’m still not sure which one he boots. But he does it in front of Mom. Awkward city.

• At the cocktail party, Olivia tells Ben she wasn’t totally herself this week and that “I think that was pretty obvious.” To which Ben replies, “Actually I’ve only really spoken to you three or four times and this week was relatively consistent with the grossness of the first three convos, soooo no, you’re being yourself quite well.”

• Then Olivia says, “I’m not insecure, I’m so confident.” Soooo newsflash: that’s something unconfident women say.

• Ugh Jubes is talking about being complex again.

Rose Ceremony 

JoJo, Becca and Lauren B already have roses. Other eight roses go to:

Amanda - Single Mom, probably more mature than JoJo, Jubes and Sex Panther combined.
Lauren H. – Kindergarten teacher from smack in the middle of the Midwest. At least her voice is.
Jubilee – Good ‘ol complex Jubes. Black. Next Bach. ‘Nam vet.
Emily – OK So he sent home Haley earlier. Glad that’s cleared up. It would’ve been funny if he sent Emily home now. “Mom? I’m home.” “But you just left four hours ago?”
Caila – Sex Panther
Jennifer – Dry Cleaner Owner (calm down, I’m lying)
Leah – Really? There’s a Leah?
Olivia – Producer’s pick. She’s on her way out.

Therefore the following two chicks head home:

Amber – Does not exit gracefully. Is actually bawling while curled up on a lounge chair, a mere 15 feet from the rose ceremony. What goes through one’s brain when deciding this? Can she literally not control herself to wait ten minutes and lose it in private? Where is one’s dignity? Fuck, I am SUCH a 40-year-old mom.

Rachel – She’s small and…yeah, that’s all I got.

So next week, the gang heads to Mexico. Guess who else is going to Mexico? ME! I’m off to Cabo for an annual trip I take with some of my best buds. Last year I learned that not only can I NOT watch the show on TV, but I can’t even get it online. And honestly, I’ll probably be too drunk to blog about it anyway…Truly, I’m sorry but I will see everyone in two weeks. Thanks for understanding!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

The Bachelor - Week 3 Thoughts

What a bunch of assholes. And by that I mean, everyone involved in this show. Except for Chris Harrison. I can just see it on his face – he knows exactly what a shitshow this franchise has become. Too much fodder for my thoughts so here are some of my highlights:

• Jubilee says if she gets a one-on-one date with Ben, the guy she has literally spoken to twice, it will be the happiest day of her life. As a reminder… this is coming from a war veteran. I say Jubilee’s judgment was damaged in ‘Nam. (I know she wasn’t in Vietnam, calm down)

• I’d be super pissed if I actually spent time styling my hair and Ben made me drive in a convertible.

• The fact that the flight attendant is scared of flying does NOT help convince me that flying is safe. Also Sun Air? No fucking thank you.

• The hot tub in the middle of nowhere is amazing. And somehow they also piped in porn music, too! Oh wait, now it’s romantic mandolin-ish music.

• After Ben gives Lauren B. the rose, he takes her to a private concert by Lucy Rose, whoever the shit that is. However, I recognize that I’m totally out of touch with hip music so I Google these people to see if they are super famous and I’m just an idiot. Wikipedia tells me this: July 22, 2011, they performed at the Country Thunder Music Festival in Twin Lakes, Wisconsin.” Enough said. I’m not an idiot.

• Those chicks wear a lot of makeup while playing soccer. Oh and after that game, I bet those two real soccer players from the US team went out to dinner and tore those chicks apart. Also, I bet they went out for Buffalo wings. Not sure why I think that. But I think I’m right.

• Everyone hates Olivia. Like a bunch of assholes, they make fun of her toes behind her back (you heard me). But the real asshole is Jami who runs to Olivia and tells her. What a bitch. And Olivia’s reaction is the best: “What did they make fun of?” And then proceeds to fire off everything she’s most insecure about: “Was it my calves? My cankles? My face? My left saggy breast? My personality inside and out? My vagine? WHAT WAS IT?”

• Amber tells Ben she’s learned so much since being on the show the first time. Then they kiss and she tells the camera, “The kiss reassures the relationship.” OK so she didn’t learn THAT.

• Olivia thinks Ben is sending her secret messages by doing small gestures, like…standing up.

• Jubilee gets the next one on one date and has to fly in a helicopter, which is apparently terrifying for her. Again, war vet.

• Jubilee claims this date will be a good way for her to “throw all my different sides at Ben.” Jesus that sounds downright terrifying. Especially if her tattoos are involved.

• Ben says Jubilee intrigues him. That’s code for confuses him. Also, how obvious is it that Bachelor people are trying to tee up Jubilee as the next Bachelorette? They’ve come under fire for being racist, right? And there’s no way Jubes will end up with Ben…soooo….

• Not only is Jubilee’s entire family dead, but so are two “pillars of the community” from Ben’s hometown. Lots of death, good lord. You know what else is dead? Olivia’s self-respect, if there was any in the first place, as the entire world just saw her CRY to a BOY over her LEGS. Fuck.

• Now the girls are bashing on Jubilee for being annoying. I’m not saying they’re wrong but what a bunch of asshole whore faces these bitches are.

• Lace! Way to redeem yourself, girlfriend. I’m being serious. She admits that she’s not fully there mentally – not a complete person and has some shit to work on before she’s ready for a relationship. I mean…sure, she knew she wasn’t getting picked anyway, but honestly I give her credit. I think?

Rose Ceremony 

Amber, Lauren B and Jubilee have roses already. Other 11 roses go to:

Lauren H. – Laura Dern
Amanda – Mom. Seems nice.
Becca – Still hot and has no airtime this week. WTF?
Haley – The twin who isn’t good at soccer.
Emily – The twin who is good at soccer (using the term “good” loosely). Also, Ben stop picking both goddamn twins.
Rachel – small and quirky. Mildly annoying.
Caila – Seems sweet and normal. I don’t think she stands a chance.
Jojo – Ummm…
Jennifer – Small business owner DAMMIT WHAT IS IT
Leah – Nope, not a clue.
Olivia – cankles, big mouth, apparently odd toes, and a totally faulty sixth sense.

So the following chicks went home:

Lace – took herself out
Jami – Pissy tattletale
Shushanna – She went from speaking no English, to perfect English, to nothing at all. Buh bye, Shoshie.

See you next week, peeps!

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The Bachelor - Week 2 Thoughts

I had a surprising number of people ask me this week if I can picture Ben on top of me naked, and I’m so sorry I forgot to address this critical question last week! The answer is…I think so. He doesn’t REALLY do it for me, but I’m not turned off by him necessarily. He’s pretty cute and a little funny, and seems like a nice dude, so sure, let’s throw him on top of me… but he WILL need to not be such a pussy all the time.

Here are some Jen thoughts on the show:

-All these girls have the exact same hairstyle: long, beachy waves. This isn’t a joke I’m making. Seriously, it’s kind of crazy.

-The first group date is to a high school, where they force the girls to compete against each other in various, stupid events. Basically, the producers tried really hard to find a way to exploit these girls’ weaknesses, like basketball playing. And basic geometry. And running without falling.

-Of course the black girl wins the basketball competition.

-New pet peeve of mine with this show (as if I needed another): When the girls discuss “upping their game”. This is supposed to be a get-to-know-someone opportunity, not American Ninja Warrior.

-Why can’t Amber jump over hurdles AT ALL? So much for my black stereotyping.

-It’s killing me that I don’t know what “small business” Jennifer owns. Dry Cleaner? Chinese restaurant? My mind is racing with possibilities.

-Ben and the girls keep saying to each other “I really want to get to know you.” However, nobody is ACTUALLY getting to know each other. They just talk about wanting to do so. So fucking do it, already. TALK.

-Olivia’s mouth is huge and by the fifth massive mouth AHHHHH, I’m convinced she’s doing it on purpose so all the men in America will be all, “Oh man I could fit my unit in there, no problem.” Good god, I’m so 40. I just called it a unit. Ugh.

-During the little party after the first group date, Lace goes bananas and steals Ben to talk, twice because, people, this is a fucking competition! She is upping her game! She doesn’t give a flying fuck if Ben is missing half his face. She wants to WIN. Also, she needs love like nobody’s business. Shit, someone hug her before she implodes. Jesus.

-Jojo is fake happy to see…buildings. And then says, “I’ve never been this happy before.” Does she live in an underground cellar? That is the only way these two comments would make sense.

-Ben gives the date rose to Jojo. If I were Ben right then, I would’ve given the rose to Lace and then addressed all the ladies and said, “I’m giving this rose to Lace because she worked really hard to talk to me. So step it up ladies.” It would be amazing to see the fallout.

-Ice Cube and Kevin Hart to the rescue. Phew. I would’ve paid money to be on that date, wow. Caila smiles a lot and talks about her favorite color, so she seems to be a perfect match for Ice Cube (?)

Is that an ass on her plate? 

-Love Lab is super fake. And I would be PISSED if made to run on a treadmill on a date. Dealbreaker. And the deal would then be further broken when he smelled my sweaty ass afterwards.

-Hold the phone, Shushanna speaks perfect English?

-Olivia scores the highest, after a series of fake smelling, touching tests. $100 says the producers just made that shit up on the fly. They were like, “Who’s the most insecure in this group? Let’s make her smell like shit and give her a two! Yes, hahahaha!”

-Amanda tells Ben about her two kids, Kenslie and Jarilee. I may not have heard that right. Anyway, he takes it like a champ and says, “Kids don’t scare me.” Uh, have you MET kids before? They SHOULD scare you. Mini terrorists, actually.

-Amanda is “on cloud 9”. Ben gives Olivia the rose. Amanda is no longer on cloud 9.

***VENT: Do ANY of these fucking chicks realize there are 20 other chicks there? I don’t get it. When he talks to them and says medium-nice things, do they think they’re the ONLY one who Ben is nice to?

 -Olivia is crazy at the cocktail party and searches out Ben to talk even though she has a rose. Lace pulls Olivia aside to talk to her. Funny how Olivia looks SO NORMAL when compared to Lace.

-Lace is freaking out about Ben and finally gets her chance to talk to him! She tells him that she’s a lot to handle and was super ugly as a child. Sooo yeeeeeeah, I could’ve maybe thought of a few things to say that weren’t so, you know…gross.

-She’s not pleased with her Ben performance, cries and says, “The insecure Lace came out. I promised she wouldn’t.” Oh honey, don’t worry…she was definitely out before that conversation.

-Ben gives flight attendant Lauren a photo of them. She looks underwhelmed. On an unrelated note, I wish she spoke in flight attendant talk all the time. “Beeeen, this is such a cute photo! Put your tray table in the upright position so I can come give you a kiss!”

-Ben then gives the other Lauren a blue ribbon for having the largest explosion at the science fair. I would’ve said, “And I hope to give this back to you one day for YOUR largest explosion, if you know what I mean.”

Rose Ceremony

Olivia, Caila, and Jojo have roses. Other 14 roses to:

Amanda – 2 kids, not on cloud 9
Jubilee – War veteran, fake name
Lauren B – flight attendant
Leah – who?
Becca – So hot, amiright?
Rachel – Her occupation is “unemployed.” YES! They’re all unemployed – she’s the only honest one!
Lace – Wins blue ribbon for insecurity. Whoa.
Jennifer – small business owner… Arby’s franchise owner? DAMMIT!
Emily – Twin one. Shoot me but these bitches look normal and tame compared to…well, the others. Jami – Who the hell is this? For real?
Lauren H. – Kindergarten teacher, blue ribbon winner, beachy wave girl #11
Shushanna – English speaker. Like totally English.
Haley – Twin two.
Amber – Go away.

Home to:

LB – She took herself out. Quiet girl can’t deal with this insanity. Smartest one there.
Sam – Despite being educated and having an actual occupation, she’s the second most insecure there. And she smells like crap, apparently.
Mandi – Fake dentist.
Jackie – Brunette beachy wave girl. Besides that, no clue who this is.

Too many girls, let’s get down to business so we can see the real crazy. See you guys soon!

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

The Bachelor Recap. No, not really a recap. Just me spewing.

Hello old friends. If you’ve read my stuff before, you know I’m considering “retiring”. I’ve blogged eight seasons of the Bachelor, seven seasons of the Bachelorette, and five seasons of Bachelor in Paradise/Bachelor Pad. To say this shit has run its course is an understatement. And I love that so many of you tell me I’m still funny, but I really, really feel like I’m repeating myself. It’s a herpes joke, crazy girl joke, hiding under the sofa and then I’m angry. It HAS to be annoying for you. So I decided to hang up my Bachelor recapping hat.

However…then last night happened. I watched the show. And don’t get me wrong – it really IS the same shit over and over: Producer-created lady intros, crazy drunks and a small town boy just trying to fall in love. But despite that, I realized something: I’m totally still going to watch this shit. As long as it’s on, I’ll watch. So yes, it’s too hard and too annoying to write these super long posts, recapping the entire episode, giving names, occupations and shit for every last whore on there. So those days are over, but how about if I just spew out some of my thoughts for you every Tuesday? It may not be as funny as it was, but it’s about all I can muster so let me know your thoughts.

For the record, I love each of you and when I get your emails and Facebook posts saying I’m funny and I’ve made you smile over the years, it seriously makes my day. So thank you very very much. I don’t mean to abandon you. I’ll be here in some way, shape or form! So let’s get started!

How should I do this? Bullet points? Sure, let’s try that:

• Ben cares about small town values like being a good basketball player. Say what?
• Ben doesn’t care about small town values because he hasn’t stepped foot in Indiana in 20 years. But the show needed an angle. Boring mid-level software manager from Denver didn’t cut it.

Not my barn, says Ben

• When Ben chats with his parents, his Mom says, “She’s going to be great no matter where you find her.” Then she adds on, “DID YOU HEAR ME BENNY? Wherever you find her? Meaning…it TOTALLY DOES NOT HAVE TO BE ON THIS SHOW MY GOD PLEASE DON’T GO I’M BEGGING YOU.”
• Sean Lowe is the voice of reason, which means I’m officially in an alternate universe.
• Stop talking about being unlovable. Super super super super not attractive. Instead talk about how you like to (lightly) throw chicks against the wall while lovemaking. I’m not talking about domestic violence, calm down. I’m talking about not sounding like a pussy and sounding like a man for fucks’ sake. Oh my god, I’m going to get angry emails about that line.
• I hate Jubilee’s parents for naming her that. Did they WANT her to be a stripper? Even she learned her name and was like, “fuck that I’m joining the military.”
• Mandi is as much a dentist as I’m a fucking Olympic pole-vaulter.
• Twins are idiots but I guarantee they’ve never ridden a double bike before, ever.
• Minus the fact she makes love to her chickens at night, Tiara is totally normal.
• Jennifer – small business owner = Jennifer – brothel owner • Lace has long teeth that she sharpened by being a psycho man-eater.
• Also, Lace is a Realtor? Can you imagine? “You will buy this fucking house or I will kill you.”
• Red Velvet was cool until well, red velvet.
• Why why why why why the non-English speaking girl? And he keeps her? Come on now.
• I really really really really want Ben to clock Leah in the back of her head with her football
• Did the show really waste good money to fly in that chick’s mini horse? Ahhh who I am kidding, that was money well spent.
• Olivia news anchor is 23… 23 people. That means I was 17 when she was born. I was having sex already when she was AN INFANT. WHY AM I YELLING ABOUT THAT
• Mandi examines Ben’s teeth at the cocktail party and says he needs to work on his flossing. Yeah? You need to work on your fucking off.
• Amber can go away but I’m glad Becca is back. She’s hot and normal, right?
• Lace steals Ben from Jubilee. Just listen to how fucked up that sentence sounds: Lace steals Ben from Jubilee. “Hi Mom, it’s Ben. Well, I’ve narrowed it down to two girls, Lace or Jubilee.” See? Ain’t happening.

Rose Ceremony 

Let’s wrap this up. Olivia, the 14 year-old newscaster, got the first impression rose. The other 20 roses (that’s right, you heard me – 20) go to:

Lauren B – one of nine Laurens there. This one is young, perky and a flight attendant, I think?
LB – another Lauren
Caila – Looks like Catherine Lowe, seems super short. Likes to paint. Believes in fate.
Amber – Repeater. She was on Bachelor in Paradise last summer.
Jami – Bartender who knows every Canadian and is wearing a two-piece dress.
Jennifer – normal…for a brothel owner.
Jubilee – why Ben why
Amanda – My notes say “hot and normal”. I must have fallen asleep – that can’t be right?
Jojo – Real Estate Developer, aka bought a shitty house and is trying to fix it by hand.
Leah – football lady who only plays football. I MUST SHOW BEN I’M A GUYS GIRL.
Rachel – little wee thing
Samantha – Super insecure lawyer
Jackie – nope, not a clue
Haley – twin 1
Emily – twin 2
ShuShonna – the one who doesn’t speak English. My god.
Lauren H – Another Lauren. A kindergarten teacher.
Becca – Still hot, still a virgin.
Mandi – Non-dentist.
Lace – Long teeth, crazy, insecure, drunk and overall pretty unappealing.

That means these chicks went home:

Maegan – Mini horse girl
Breanne – Gluten free
Lauren – the social media stalker who wouldn’t say her name
Laura - Red velvet
Tiara – chicken love maker
Izzy - jammies
Jessica – nope no clue.

And yeah, Lace gets crazy AFTER she gets a rose from Ben. He should’ve booted her then, but I fear she is the producer’s pick to hang out awhile.

Thanks for hanging in there with me! See you next week!