Tuesday, February 23, 2016

The Bachelor - Week 8 Thoughts

Well if my text messages and Facebook page last night were any indication, this was by far the highlight of the show:

She must have been hammered to do that when she knew there were cameras around, right? But she’s got the type of face that makes it hard to tell if she’s drunk or not. We’re down to four girls. Here are some thoughts:

 • Amanda’s kids are cute. But what REALLY made their cuteness were those toddler gladiator sandals. (?)

• I could’ve told you five weeks ago that after Ben hung with those kids for three minutes he’d dump Amanda. Not because they’re bad kids but because they’re kids. And in general, kids are a pain in the ass.

• Not a new discovery, but one I continually find intriguing season after season – leather barcaloungers are all the rage in Middle America. Or the OC apparently.

• Amanda’s Dad does a good job of warning Ben (aka scaring the living shit out of him) of what life would be like as a dad: “You know how sometimes now you go to the gym with friends? Yeah, you can’t do that anymore. Do you like books? You’ll never read an adult book ever ever ever again. Truly, you won’t. In reality, you can’t do anything at all you ever want to do. Ever. Ev. Er. But children are a blessing.”

• Lauren lives in LA. She hasn’t set foot in Portland in years. Nor has she eaten from a food truck before.

• Lauren’s brother looks like a cross between Joel McHale and Conan O’Brien.

• Lauren’s sister is skeptical and asks Ben hard questions. He cries in order to deflect and it totally works. Her sister squeals, “Ohhh you just answered it! Squeal! Hug hug hug.”

• Sister asks Lauren if she thinks she’s compatible with Ben. Lauren answers, “Are you asking me if I’m in love with Ben?” Sister answers, “Umm, no I’m fucking asking if you think you’re compatible with Ben.” She didn’t say that.

• Caila’s hometown date consisted of walking to her high school, sitting on a bench and making a toy house. Have you ever assembled one of those things? It’s one of the least fun things ever. Terrible idea for a date.

• Caila’s Dad is Talky Talky McTalk.

• Caila’s Mom is all braces and overly optimistic.

• Caila asks Mom if she thinks he’s in love with her. She responds, “YES! I only spoke to him for 97 seconds but I have a Filipino sixth sense about these things.”

• Have I mentioned what dicks the producers are on this show? They make JoJo think the note is from Ben so she’ll read it out loud. Dicks.

• Good ol’ Chad wants JoJo back. Do you think Chad is going to be pissed when he finds out he was on speakerphone on national TV? I’m sure they’re back together now anyway.

• JoJo’s brothers are hammered. They’re also total assholes. And they also might be in love with their sister. I think they need to get married themselves so they have someone else to think about beyond their sister. That is a LOT of focus and passion for a sister, no?

• I will say Ben does a horrid job of convincing brothers he cares about JoJo. He says, “I care about her a lot. I’m not making any promises though. We will have good conversations.

• JoJo tries to bond with Mom but I think Mom is drunk or may not understand English? Another overly optimistic Mom says, “It’ll work out! You’re beautiful!” and she answers, “Mom, there are still three other girls.” Mom says, “Oh.” So that shut mom up pretty quick.

• Brothers are super dick and tell JoJo that Ben is not as invested as she is. It’s pretty dick of them. They can be concerned about her and tell her to be careful without pooping all over her dreams.

• JoJo dad is weak but at least he’s calm and reasonable. Fuck, he has to be with that clan of clowns. Although I will have nightmares about his mustache.

Rose Ceremony 

Where is Harrison? Oh phew there he is. Ben gives his three roses to Lauren, Caila and JoJo. Therefore, Amanda is sent home. She’s mad that he made her drive ALL the way from Orange Country…to LA to get dumped. Seems to be the wrong thing to be mad at?

Next week, Ben really confuses things by telling two girls he loves them. Oops.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

The Bachelor - Week 7 Thoughts

Did you guys watch the special on Sunday night? The celebration of 20 seasons of herpes? It was super dumb. Here are just a few thoughts before I dive into last night’s show:

• Basically, of the two hours of show, I wanted 1.5 hours of drunken wedding reception footage and I got 30 seconds, literally. I did cry at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, but that’s only because I’m hormonal.

• Ryan is not aging gracefully, but Trista is looking good. But the laugh…

• Chris Soules = dork central

• Casting tapes? I could watch that shit all day long. So of the two hours, I wanted 1.5 hours of reception, 20 minutes of casting tapes and 10 minutes of bloopers. Speaking of bloopers – how funny is it when people fall? Seriously.

• How did Ashley and JP become the most normal, cutest couple in the show’s history? That baby is a friggin clone of JP by the way.

• Courtney and Ben’s “did they or didn’t they moment”. Ummm, I think it’s more of a “did they once or twice moment”. It’s not really up for debate, is it? I mean, she wrote a book about it.

• Crazy Ashley Salter is pregnant and the best part is Harrison doing the math and calculating that she got knocked up the week she returned from Bachelor in Paradise. Also, she looks better with dark hair.

No reason.

• I’m going to use the term “Mesnick” as a verb three times today and see what people’s reactions are…as in, “I’m going to Mesnick all over your hot lunch, kids” or “I’m going to Mesnick the crap out of this grocery store”. I don’t know what that means.

• Speaking of the Mesnick’s, Molly says, “I love Jason, but I REALLY love Riley.” (Her daughter). This is probably the most authentic comment ever made on this show.

• How did America want Bob Guinea as the Bachelor?

• Erica Rose is engaged and pregnant and apparently her milk has already come in because OH MY GOD HER BOOBS ARE GIGANTIC.

• Dogs in weddings? No.

• Carly…no no no no no. Sure, she’d beat me in a singing competition any day, but her voice is incredibly mediocre. Am I right? Whoa.

• Seal is a random addition, no?

Monday’s Show 

• I mean, the hair roots are on purpose, right? The ombre thing is sooo severe that I have to think it’s on purpose. Their hair can’t grow nine inches in three weeks, right?

• This week we’re in Warsaw, Indiana, where Ben grew up and drove pontoon boats everywhere. There are no hotels there, just nice houses to rent, apparently.

• Worst date ever for me? Going to my date’s old high school and then having to play with other people’s children. Add a snake in there or Jada Pinkett Smith and it’s truly my living hell.

• JoJo one-on-one date at Wrigley Field – this is waaaaay more exciting for him than her. He finally gets to live out his dream of hitting a pitch at Wrigley. I wonder if his dream also included JoJo squealing afterwards, “Eeee do I have to actually run after that ball now?! EEE!”

 • There is a LOT of talk about holding back and guards up so I go get a bowl of ice cream. When I come back they are STILL talking about having guards up. THEN miraculously, JoJo says, “I’m not scared anymore!” Well, that’s handy! Must have been a hell of a conversation I missed.

• Also JoJo Higgins is what her name would be if they got married. JoJo Higgins. It sounds like a character is a wacky children’s book, like Willy Wonka. Or maybe the name of a fancy high-speed blender. “I need a smoothie! Let’s fire up the JoJo Higgins!”

• Group Date is just hanging out on a farm. Let’s face it – there’s probably not much to do in Warsaw. Anyhoo, it lasts five minutes before he boots Caila and Becca so he can make out with Amanda. Personally, I think he boots Caila off this date because she’s talking about her lack of community. Or the fact that she’s moss. Pipe down, Sex Panther.

• Becca is crying, yo! She has feelings! It’s actually refreshing and it makes me laugh picturing her last season with Chris Soules and how uninvolved she was with him.

• The McDonald’s tie-in is a stretch, people. Nobody takes a date to McDonald’s let alone on the Bachelor? Come on. Also, I’d kill for some McDonald’s fries right now.

• After McDonalds, he tells Amanda he has a surprise for her…”We’re going to Burger King?” she replies. Not really. He takes her to a carnival and narrowly avoids death on this thing:

No fucking thank you

• I kind of want to live in Warsaw?

• Emily has a one-on-one date but it’s all just a way to get rid of her quickly. I really, really hope Ben called his mom after their date to tell her that he sent Emily home or his Mom won’t sleep for weeks. The thought of that 23 year old, Vegas wanna-be Denver Broncos cheerleader as her son’s wife was enough to push Mommy Higgins over the edge.

• Also – Emily talking to Mom Higgins was the first time this season I dove under my couch.

• He boots her and this is totally not a surprise at all. When the girls find out, they all cry too and I’m thinking it’s odd how chummy all these ladies are, given the fact they’re all humping the same dude?

Rose Ceremony 

Amanda already has a rose from the group date. Other three go to: Lauren (14 year-old flight attendant), JoJo (15 year-old real estate investor, aka bought a house once and painted it), and Caila (16 year old sex panther).

Therefore, Becca is sent home and she’s a little PO’d about it. But she’ll be fine. Next week, the gals take Ben home to meet their families and it looks like a little drama at JoJo’s house but I don’t buy it. It’s all editing…we will see. My predictions for final two are now JoJo and Lauren. I think JoJo takes it. See you next week!

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

The Bachelor - Week 6 Thoughts

So bad news you guys…it turns out that I can’t write about the Bachelor anymore because I just realized that deep, intellectual things are my jam. Just kidding… As was Olivia when she said that, my god. Just FYI ‘Liv…people who are ACTUALLY into deep, smart things don’t call those things their “jam”. Also, why does she say that like it’s a good thing? Could you imagine being married to someone who wanted to talk smart all day? About religion and politics? Shit sounds exhausting. You’d have to THINK so much, ugh.

OK I’m getting ahead of myself. Thanks for letting me take a week off in Cabo! I had a blast, as expected. My husband wasn’t totally pleased that I was telling everyone in El Squid Roe that I had an open marriage while standing right next to him, but I was kidding, so whatevs.

Last week’s episode – I finally watched last week’s show and Single Mom says “like” a WHOLE LOT and everyone hates Olivia. And downer Jubes went home. She’s such a wet blanket, yo. War does that to you, I suppose. Damn ‘Nam.

Onto this week…my thoughts:

 • Olivia sucks ass. She tells Ben that the other girls like to do their hair and she likes to talk smart things and read so she just doesn’t relate to them. THAT’S why they hate her. If I were Ben here, I would’ve said, “Do you think they also hate you because you tell me they like to do their hair while you like to do smart things?”

• I’m thrilled Ben finally saw through Olivia this week and by the way? I love Ben. He’s the most normal Bachelor ever. Slightly boring but still kind of funny, cute and super sweet. This last week he made an important milestone in my world: I can picture him on top of me naked. Yes, it’s true.

• Olivia is annoyed the girls talk shit to Ben about her, but she says, “Come at me bro” in the scariest, poltergeist style voice I have ever heard. She terrifies me.

• 1st rose ceremony – only Jennifer goes home because Jubes already caught a military helicopter out earlier that week (so stupid, sorry). Jennifer seemed normal but she had to go because her dry cleaning business back home needed her.

• We’re down to 9 girls: Olivia (poltergeist), Lauren H. (asexual teacher), Lauren B. (tiny stewardess), Amanda (like, the single mom), Caila (sexual panther), JoJo (hot and unexplainable), Becca (hot virgin), Leah (still no idea) and Emily (profession: twin).

• In the Bahamas, Ben’s first one-on-one date is with Caila who Ben called a sexual panther last week and now says he “wants to get under her surface” and “into her vagina layers.” (Newsflash – I added the word vagina in there. He didn’t say that)

My god, how unsafe is this? And only slightly sexual.

• Caila is fucking confusing. When a guy is terrified of not being loved, you don’t tell him you’re afraid you’ll break his heart. I appreciate her playing the opposite angle most girls do – acting like she’s unattainable when everyone else throws themselves at Ben, but STILL, Caila… Ben won’t pick you if he doesn’t think you’re all in (that’s what she said)

• Leah is having an absolute shit fit. More on her later. Preview: she had the chance to leave this show with dignity as the cute normal girl who just didn’t get a lot of airtime, but she fucked that up big time. More later.

 Weird. I totes wore this same suit in Cabo last week.

• Group date on a boat and swimming with pigs: How pissed are they that they all did their hair and makeup and now have to RE-DO it all?

 • Becca says, “I didn’t know I was afraid of pigs until today”, marking one of the only times I’ve ever actually laughed out loud from this show. And I love that she is still smoking hot but not super, super rail thin. She looked good, people. Also, am I a lesbian now?

• Side note: I too am now terrified of pigs. No thank you, good lord.

• Amanda’s voice. ‘Nuff said. Although if Sean manages to live with Catherine everyday then anything is possible.

• Leah: She tells Ben that Lauren B. is fake, but she doesn’t say her name (you can totally tell producers dubbed that in). Still, she’s an insecure bitch. Not nice. She later goes to tell Ben some more about Lauren B. but ends up being sent home. BAM.

• Group date rose goes to Amanda but only under the condition that she doesn’t say thank you with that voice.

• Two-on-one date between Emily and Olivia – awkward city and holy storm! Olivia confides in Ben about her intellectual jams and that’s she’s SO at peace with who she is and she’s SO confident. Why don’t chicks get this? It’s so obvious that you’re NOT all those things when you SAY those things. Actual confident people don’t go around telling people they are confident. Comprende? How do I get that little accent mark over the last e? No, Microsoft Word, I do NOT want to autocorrect to Comrade. HOLY SHIT I HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE BEFORE I WROTE THIS TODAY.

• Emily thought-vomits all over Ben and there is no way he will ever keep her past next week, but at this point, she’s so much better than Smart Jam girl that he will keep her for today.

• I hate the humiliating exits…do the producers REALLY need to leave her on the beach with the helicopter filming her from above looking SO alone? Geesh.

Rose Ceremony 

Amanda, Caila and Emily have roses already. The other three go to Becca, JoJo and Lauren B. Therefore Lauren H (kindergarten teacher) is sent home. Also, I had those results written down, in the correct order, before they happened. God, I’m good. And by “good”, I mean I have watched WAY too much of this shit show.

So we’re down to six. That was a productive week – he got rid of three girls! Boom! Down to six. I don’t read spoilers, so I’m just thinking here, but I suspect the final three will be Lauren B., Becca and JoJo. I’m wavering on that last spot…It might be Caila, too. I know Emily will go home next week for shizzle and I just have a feeling Amanda won’t make it in the long run. We will see. I’m going to go drink more coffee and see what happens. Love you all.