Tuesday, March 15, 2016

The Bachelor Finale Thoughts

Soooo many thoughts people. Not really, actually. Just one thought. I love JoJo. And I’m not sure if this is in a “she’s so great” kind of way or a “I want to be her because she’s so freaking hot” kind of way or a “I might be a lesbian” kind of way. Hard to tell.

Onto my profound thoughts:

• I literally groaned when I remembered this shit is three hours long. Do you know how many times someone can say “love” “journey” or “fear” in three goddamn hours? A fucking lot.

• Neil Lane FINALLY gets a ticket to the live show!

• Oh shit, so does the pastor. How can he support this messed up premise?

• Lauren’s shorts look like they hurt her vagine.

• Shit, JoJo is wearing cut off jean shorts too? That’s it, I’m going to go buy some today. No wait, I’m going to work out for a few months and THEN go buy them. NO! I’m going to CUT my own. That’ll give me street cred.

• Ben’s mom is rational and smart and level headed and normal. She also has a tiiiiiny obsession with her little boy. NOBODY WILL LOVE YOU LIKE I DO, BEN.

• Ben’s Dad tells Lauren that he sees a twinkle in Ben’s eye today that he hasn’t seen before. The next day he tells JoJo that he sees a twinkle in Ben’s eye today that he’s only seen one other time before. You know, with his other girlfriend. Yesterday.

• Mama Higgins thinks Lauren is too good to be true and is totally naïve. She thinks Lauren doesn’t really know Ben. Well, that part is correct. She’s been dating him for 17 days.

• I can tell Mama Higgins wants to laugh in Lauren’s face and say, “You fuckwad, you have no idea how shitty and hard life will be. Marriage is sucky and hard and so is life. Can you deal with that?” OK that might be a little harsh, but Mama Higgins seems a smidge on the pessimistic side, no?

• JoJo kicks ass at impressing the parents. She’s much more real and raw and recognizes life isn’t always easy and actually ACTUALLY shows she attempted to get to know the REAL Ben. She says things like, “he’s hard on himself” and Mama and Papa Higgins are impressed she actually got to know him. This show is so fucked up. When a girl actually shows she knows something about her almost fiancé’s personality, it’s like the best thing ever.

• Lauren’s extensions are so obvious, right? Aren’t they supposed to blend more? And not have big bird’s nest type of things in the back?

• JoJo and Ben have NOT been through hard things. The hardest thing they’ve been through is warding off that crazy Jamaican guy chasing after their Jeep.

• JoJo and Ben’s final date was a trip to the Blue Hole. You guys know me so well, I don’t even have to make a “wet blue hole” joke here. Just make it up like you’re me.

• Ben tells JoJo that he’s confused and that he loves Lauren too. This kind of gives it away, right? He didn’t say that shit to Lauren. JoJo is emotional but it doesn’t feel as crazy and clingy as most chicks. I might be defending her. Probably because I’m in love with her.

“Ohhh yeaaaah, see, I haven’t actually decided WHO I’m proposing to in three hours.” 

• JoJo is first out of the helicopter and I’m honestly SAD. I may or may not have cried a little.

• She spills her guts out and he dumps her and it SUCKS. Pretty sad to think you might be engaged in five minutes, only to get dumped in Jamaica.

• Lauren comes out and Ben proposes blah blah blah.

• After the Final Rose…Lauren’s dress is awful. Guess whose dress is hot? JoJo. OK it’s a bit much with the 1980’s boob cutout, but still. Better than Lauren’s lacey shit frock.

• JoJo is being kind and normal and chill. She’s moved on and is in a good place. I crinkle my eyebrow and wonder why she’s not more sad? Then it dawns on me that she’s the next Bachelorette. Of COURSE.

• Yes, it was Caila and they switched it last minute. Why? Because Caila wasn’t that liked by people. They only chose her because they’ve been getting heat for only choosing white chicks. But in the end, the smarmy producers went with JoJo because it would be better for the show ratings in the end. Of course, I agree. I want to watch JoJo for sure (and not just because I may want to marry her). She’s tolerable and normal. Caila would have been a smidge on the annoying side.

• They undershot how long this episode would take and poor Chris Harrison is tasked with stretching out the show by five minutes. So he brings all the families out and makes everyone hug. When they’re done, he asks Ben for the tenth time tonight for how he feels. END IT. FOR THE LOVE, just end it.

I don’t know. I don’t have total confidence in these two. We will see… But Bachelorette starts in May, I think, with some Bachelor in Paradise this summer. I can’t miss those, so I will see you guys then! Thanks for always reading and your hilarious comments and everything else. Love you all!

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

The Bachelor - Women Tell All Thoughts

This shit needs to be 30 minutes.

one dude.


• You know how the Bachelor franchise is trying to be more diverse these days? Apparently that includes old people because the viewing parties Chris Harrison and Ben crashed were filled with old people. By old, I mean, people my age with babies and shit. 

• Seriously who the fuck is Izzy?

• Jubes is still there and according to the title on the screen, she is still working in the War Veteran Business. Emily and Haley are still in the twin business and Jennifer still owns a dry cleaning business (I’m sticking to that).

• Amber is a snatch. That is all. Also, I don’t have any data to back this up. She just rubs me the wrong way.

• An hour into this show and I’m TIRED of talking about Jubes. Yes, she’s black and complex and her family was all killed in ‘Nam. It’s sad and she was a minor story line but enough now. Mama tired of Jubes.

• The bitches are being SUPER petty and complain-y and asshole-ish and Ben is seen backstage saying, “Thank fucking GOD I didn’t marry any of them, whoa.”

• Lace isn’t crazy after all. She just has zilch-o self esteem. But she’s been having lots of talks with her mom (?). Not sure how that played into all this but whatevs.

• I like it when Harrison asks her if she learned anything by being on the show and she says she learned not to interrupt or use certain facial expressions. Harrison responds with, “Yeah, I was more referring to your general fucking craziness?”

• Olivia: I’ll say it. I like her jumpsuit. I do not like her massive over application of makeup.

• She does an OK job of fixing her bad reputation and sounding apologetic and chill, but ruins it by saying, “I’m a confident woman.” You are not. You are Lace.

• Caila’s pantsuit is also oddly appealing. They clipped her bangs behind her ear so she’d stop playing with it all the goddamn time and it was a good decision.

• Ben comes out an hour and a half into the show. We spend three uneventful minutes talking to him (Jubes complains, Leah yells at him for some reason, etc)

• Bloopers summary: Relatively amusing, JoJo is dirty and funny, and watching chicks run from insects never gets old.

• Sneak Peak looks good, people. He admits to JoJo that he loves Lauren too. This is gonna be GOOD, if I can only avoid spoilers for six more days.

Sorry this is stupid, but so was this episode, so I was uninspired. Let’s chat next week, peeps! Weeee!

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

The Bachelor – Week 9 Thoughts

Ben and his big mouth are in Jamaica this week and I realized I cannot say the word Jamaica without a horrible Jamaican accent and adding a “mon” on the end. “They’re in Jamaica-mon!”

Welcome to snake fucking central. No thanks. 

Here are some more super profound thoughts:

• Awkward city raft ride with Caila, good lord.

• Caila’s date wasted about thirty minutes of airtime, of which 28 minutes was Caila talking to the camera about how anxious she is. How many times, in how many ways can one say this? Ben probably humped her to hump the anxious out.

• She spits out that she’s in love with Ben. She knows he can’t say that he reciprocates those feelings, but she knows he feels the same. She says, “He didn’t have to say any words. It was something I felt. In my vagine.” Also, MAN, will she be pissed when she sees this episode.

• Lauren’s date…She greets Ben and yes, her jean shorts look short, but I think they’re actually long and shoved up into her vagine. It would explain why she’s walking like she just got humped into Tuesday.

"God this hurts..."

• They spend their date releasing baby sea turtles into the ocean. First of all, they’re cute when alone, but 1000 of those things quivering in a bucket? No fucking thank you. Nightmares, people. Me in a bathtub with those all over me? OMG.

• Second of all, Lauren says, “We’re helping sea turtles survive and that’s a very important thing.” Is it though? Do we really know that? Do YOU really know that Lauren? I’m thinking no.

• Lots of metaphors about love and relationships and the turtles’ plight. They can make it to the ocean and survive! (pan to footage of turtles getting wiped out by waves)

• She tells Ben she’s in love with him and he tells HER that he’s in love with her too. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it slipped out. He was caught in the moment and really likes her and it just popped out? I’d consider that, except that he says it 100 MORE FUCKING TIMES. Ben, this was a bad move. If I were Benny, I wouldn’t bang anyone in the fantasy suite and I wouldn’t tell anyone I even liked them. Not even a little. Keep them all guessing and crazy and shit.

• I knew JoJo had big beautiful boobies but where has she been hiding this rocket body all season? For the love! Ben better get on that! OK For real I kind of love her.

• They get in a helicopter. My god, how much shit is there in Jamaica that makes me say “no fucking thank you”???

• They play in a waterfall and I am dying laughing picturing my ass hanging out of those bikini bottoms.

• She tells him she loves him and surprise! Ben tells her that he loves her too. She says, “Today is the best day of my life.” Aaaaaand watching this will be the worst day of her life. What a bummer for her. Even if he picks her in the end, she’s going to be all, “What the fuck, Ben. This shits all over that day.”

• Ben says to the camera, “I can’t imagine saying goodbye to either of these women. Oh right and Caila too? Oh yeah, her too.”

• He says, “After telling two women I love them, my heart is in a state of shock.” Oh my god, he is so fucked. Honestly, HOW did he not think this through? He then says, “I’m going to soak it all in and not think about any future decisions I have to make.” Actually that’s a great plan. Fuck everything you can in Jamaica, say whatever the hell you want and THEN figure it out. Act first, think later. Great plan.

• After he spends the night with JoJo and humps three different women in 72 hours, he decides NOW it’s time to think. And yup, the ol’ noggin tells him that he doesn’t like Caila all that much. I bet when they were humping she kept whispering how much she loved him. Oy.

• Caila decides that she wants to pop in on Ben at his place. She says, “I want to show him that a relationship with me will be full of surprises.” I say this once every season: WHY OH WHY would you want to be married to someone who surprises you all the time? How terrifying and totally annoying: “Pack your bags! We’re going to the beach!” Actually no, I haven’t shaved my legs, I have work to do, it’s cold outside and I hate sand. No thank you. Or “Surprise! I quit my job! It’s time to take a cruise or something.” Again, not OK.

• Anyway, Caila is set up for serious humiliation here. She surprises him and he doesn’t waste much time telling her that he doesn’t love her. He says it with gusto too by telling her that not only does he NOT love her but he loves everyone else BUT her. Good god.

• It’s SUPER obvious that she’s heartbroken but also just REALLY mad they had sex and then he dumps her. But she doesn’t say it out loud so kudos for her for going out with her head up. Until she absolutely loses her shit in the limo, but whatever.

Rose Ceremony 

Harrison is dumbfounded that Ben tells everyone he loves them. He’s got this smirk on his face like, “Ben you’ve got to be kidding me. Have I taught you NOTHING?” There has GOT to be a part of Chris Harrison that is just so fed up with these assholes, amiright?

Anyhoo, he gives JoJo and Lauren roses because they’re the only two left and he LOVES both of them.

Ben: “Lauren, will you accept this rose?” 
Lauren: “Yes! And I love you!”
Ben: “I love you too!”
JoJo: “Umm, what the fuck?”
Ben: “Don’t worry I love you too!”

The finale will be a bloodbath. One of these chicks is going to be SUPER bummed, whoa. But next week is Women Tell All. Should be lots of short dresses, beachy waves, and angst. See you then!