Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The Bachelorette – Week 2 Thoughts

Week 2, holy shit this is going to be a long season. Here’s some stupid crap that popped into my head this week:

• JoJo is in an oddly good mood for staying in the Westlake Village Inn? Where the hell is her mansion?

• Men should never use the term “butterflies” unless they are referring to ACTUAL butterflies.

 Look! Twinsies!

• First group date is for Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James (one of them), Wells and Robby. I want Luke or Robby in my pants. That is all.

• Professions include Former Swimmer, Hipster, and Veteran. Do any of them actually do anything NOW?

• Fire Academy date is right up there with the worst dates from this show that I would fucking hate. That looks exhausting and very sweaty. And way to put the firefighter on the firefighting date. He still doesn’t do it for me, by the way.

• Chad. This entire episode is about Chad so let’s just break this down now. He has a point, when he says the other dudes might be pussies. And that they’re all jumping the gun a bit with their feelings for her. HOWEVER, he straps his suitcase to his waist to workout, when he knows he’s being filmed. That alone says it all. He also MIGHT be the type of dude who pushes you into a wall when his team loses the Superbowl. Also, I bet when he falls in love with a chick and gets dumped, he turns completely fucking psycho.

• Back at the house, the guys write a song about JoJo and I’m beginning to side with Chad. Just a smidge.

• JoJo likes to kiss, yo. She’s very handsy, whoa. And that includes her hands on her own hair OH MY GOD stop touching it.

• Wells gets the group date rose for being out of shape, which is apparently endearing?

• Derek and JoJo go to San Francisco and then…I don’t know actually because I fell asleep.

 I mean, honestly. Put both of your damn hands on the wheel and OFF your hair.

• Next group date is Jordan, Christian, Nick, James, Alex and Chad. There’s another guy in there, actually, not sure who (you’re welcome for my stellar reporting). They go to ESPN to make asses out of themselves.

• Chad hates everyone and everything.

• The ESPN dudes power rank the guys, with James Taylor winning first place but only because those ESPN dudes don’t have to be the ones who run their hands through his hair.

• For the record, I LIKE James Taylor. He’s sweet and when he kisses JoJo, he doesn’t puss out – he just does it, like a man. But then there’s the hair and the whole songwriter thing. You have to be REALLY good and pretty famous for songwriting to be a turn-on.

• Chad says to the camera that JoJo doesn’t want a guy who kisses her ass. Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps…but I don’t think she wants a big fuckface either…CHAD.

• Alex is an annoying babypants at the cocktail party. Chad sucks but just ignore him, dude. Alex is SUPER pissy pants and his wee little suit is prancing all over the house yelling at him. Sort of.

• Chad still eating at the rose ceremony is the best.

Rose Ceremony 

Derek, Wells and James Taylor already have roses. Others go to:

Alex – Shorty McShortpants with a grudge
Christian – I hear he likes cats. This makes sense.
Robby – Mama like. Mmmmm.
Luke – Mama also like. Mmmmm. But do NOT touch my face when we makeout.
Chase – No idea.
Jordan – Football player dude who looks much less attractive when his hair falls into his face.
Grant – Firefighter who is NOT allowed on top of me naked.
Ali – Hairy, short and sweet.
Daniel – Drunk dude who calmed down this week but loves his black tank top.
James F. – Nope I got nothing.
Nick – Very smiley.
Vinny – Yo Vinny! Nope, nothing.
Evan – Penis doctor who is MAD at the cocktail party with no tie, no socks and a very tight shirt.
Chad – Hates everyone and INSISTS on only showing a super manly side of himself AT ALL TIMES. He screams insecurity. He also screams, “Yo I’m a dickface!”

Therefore, these three dudes head home:

James - The Superfan
Brandon – The Hipster who hasn’t seen the show, so this is no big deal because he doesn’t know that other people stayed. He just thought the show was over.
Will – Yeah, no.

See you guys soon!

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Bachelorette – Week 1 Thoughts

Hi Friends! I missed you guys. Back at it with my girl, JoJo who is looking hotter than ever, but is slightly more annoying than I expected. But we’ll get to that.

Soooo, as you might remember from last season, I stopped doing my full-blown recaps. They were too long and I made the same jokes over and over. Why? Because I’ve been blogging since 2007 and this shit is the same, people. THE EXACT SAME SHIT every season. So I end up repeating myself. So last season, I just made a short list of things that popped into my head each week as I watched the show, so I’m sticking with that format. I really am sorry if I’ve disappointed people – I hate letting people down. Which is the reason I’m still blogging this shit almost ten years later despite the fact that STILL nobody is paying me to do this. No really, I love my readers so I’m glad you’re still here. Here are my week one thoughts!

• JoJo walking slowly on the beach at sunset in the typical Bachelorette promo footage. But holy moly is she not super hot? (New readers: I am not a lesbian. I have a husband and don’t find the vagine appealing. But holy crap if I was a lesbian I would totally go for her.)

• Holy fuck this girl meeting (Ali, Kaitlyn, Desiree and JoJo) is so annoying. It’s like watching The View where all these bitches just talk over each other.

• New readers: My barometer for whether a man is marriage material is whether I can picture him on top of me naked. I know it sounds like I’m only judging physical things here, but it actually is a comprehensive assessment. It takes into account looks, sure, but also if he’s a total pussy or whether he would touch my face (the WORST), or if he’d be freaky in a bad way or if he’d be all groany and uncomfortable, etc. I can almost certainly tell if a man is a good husband by making this call. Sure it sounds like a snap judgment but you try blogging this shit for 10 years and see if you’re not an expert in snap judging too.

• Firefighter Grant…a great example of a decent guy on paper but OH NO I do not want him on top of me naked.

• Ex pro football player, Jordan: normal and hot except for the skinny jeans and girly walk. He tries to sound like a relationship guy by saying he had a true love but lost her because of his dedication to football. He adds, “Also, I MAAAAAY have banged a few cheerleaders, but you won’t air that part, right?”

• James, Bachelor Superfan is Supergay.

• Evan, erectile dysfunction guy, is a total fucking mystery. I mean…I have no clue how to snap judge him.

 "I can't stop smiling right now!" Gee, no idea why...

• Ali is hot but not totally evolved?

• Gym rat, bi-racial guy who raises his brothers (who are much too old to live at home? Are they not 30?) seems like a good guy. But it’s truly impossible to date someone who works out at 4am. I’d have to hide my Haagen Dazs from him.

• Isn’t JoJo a business-ish person? Then HOW does she not know how to fucking give a normal handshake? When the guys walk out of the limo, I’d handshake, then hug if it seemed right. She does this incredibly awkward double-hand-up thing, that’s not a high ten, not a handshake, not a hug, just a really weird mime-like greeting.

 "So I learned to mime in Paris. You?" That doesn't make sense. Sorry.

• Early favorite is Robby with the wine. Why Robby though? Let’s go with Rob.

• James Taylor needs to cut two inches of curls off the top of his head. Too high, too high.

• Hipster who has never seen the show is cracking me up. I can just picture him in the rose ceremony: “I’m sorry, what? I’m standing here until she calls my name to give me a rose? Is this a joke?”

• Something hot about quiet farm guy Luke. Except for the fact he’s jazzed about farming.

• Guys…NO pinkie rings ever. EVER. It is NEVER NEVER ok. You get an instant “No” on the “picturing me on top of me naked” thing. So gross.

 These guys are all the same dude

• Chad is resident asshole this season and it seems to be pretty accurate casting at this point.

• She is VERY handsy and grabby. Rubby McToucherson.

• New readers: When something is so awkward and hard to watch, I have to dive under my sofa. Who can guess the first dive-under-the-sofa this season? When Jordan is trying to kiss JoJo and they’re making gross small talk and he says, “I’m goofy, really goofy”, and then kiss. UGH.

• Jordan and his goofiness get the first impression rose.

Rose Ceremony 

OK So Jordan has a rose. Other roses go to:  

Luke – Farmer, but I’ll call him cowboy because that sounds hotter
Wells – The guy who travels with the singers
James Taylor – Not THE James Taylor. Clearly. Too much pube-y hair.
Grant – Firefighter and oddly not that hot
Derek – No clue
Christian – Nice bi-racial guy. I think I like him?
Chad – Villain who gets evil music played whenever he speaks
Chase – No idea
Alex – Extra short Marine? I think?
Robby – Mama like
Brandon – Hipster, very confused at what his friends signed him up for
James F. – Owns a boxing place, maybe?
Ali – Veeeeery hairy
Santa Claus – I think his real name is Nick. Oh I get it!
Will – Nerd central. He just can’t be on top of me naked. Nope. But he’ll invent some super computer and marry a model one day, so it’s OK.
James S. – Gay super fan. Also there are THREE dudes named James?
Vinny – Veeeery angry barber.
Evan – Just such an odd choice for this show that I don’t even know what to do with it.
Daniel – Drunk Canadian. Producer’s choice.

That means the following guys go home:

Jake – the black architect
Jonathan – Kilt dude. Didn’t see that one coming.
Coley – no clue
Nick – also no clue
Peter – this is a joke right? There was a guy named Peter there?
Sal – whatever. You don’t care, I don’t care.

See you guys next weeeeeeek!