Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The Bachelorette – Week 5 Thoughts

We are down to eight dudes. And we can pretty much count Derek, Alex, James and Wells out. Just cause. So down to four. Thoughts this week:

• Lots of social media chatter about their gay hair. CORRECT.

• Lots of chatter in my head about how goddamn tight their pants are. My god. Doesn’t that hurt one’s testicles?

• JoJo has trouble saying “Buenos Aires”.

• In general, there’s way too much fucking culture this season. Where’s the yacht in the Caribbean?

• So Harrison gets a free vacation to Argentina just to sit on a bench with JoJo for three minutes and shoot the shit? How does one get this gig?

Is everyone standing on a ledge but Alex? Oh…no they’re not. 

• Wells is coming off a little pussy-like. He’s normal and funny and probably my type, but for some reason, feels like a pussy.

• A lot of pressure for JoJo and Wells to kiss and it’s painful to watch. I’m under my sofa for a good portion of this date.

No, Wells. Agreed this isn’t the best time for the kiss. #awkwardcity. 

• Swimming on a date is pretty low on my “this date would be great” gauge.

• She sends Wells home, trying to say it was because he’s a skeptic or some shit, but she sends him home for the same reason she sends every guy home: She doesn’t like them that much. And she can’t picture them naked on top of her.

• I love that AFTER she dumps Wells she goes back to the swim club dance show place alone.

• The entire episode, James doesn’t stop talking about how ugly and dumb he is. I appreciate a humble guy, but enough dude.

• Luke’s one-on-one time during the group date is almost X-rated. She almost just straddles him when she sits down, like “fuck it, we’re not going to actually talk, are we? Let’s get down to business.” He’s hot – I like him, but someone pointed out that he’s too dark and dramatic and kind of overly sexual. I bet he makes HUGE sounds when he has an orgasm. He doesn’t seem to laugh much?

• James is feeling threatened by Jordan’s hair and tells JoJo a weird poker story. This is dumb. He needs to accept his pube hair and “not the hottest guy in the room” status and shut the shit up. Songwriter.

 • Group Date rose goes to Luke and his hog.

• Two on one date AGAIN is for Chase and Derek. I cannot get over how squirmy Derek makes me feel…in a bad way. He’s not ugly but there is something super unattractive about him. It is his fake confidence?

• Tango lessons to fight over a woman is super, super dumb. None of them want to do that. And let’s talk about THIS, geesh:

Hola, vagine. 

 • She sends Derek home, thank god. Chase is two weeks away from getting the boot, too, so don’t celebrate too much there, young man.

• Derek says, “Obviously Chase is more the type of person she’s looking for.” CORRECT.

• “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” solo, montaged over Derek crying in the car ride is editing genius. My husband walked in RIGHT at that point and was like, “seriously what the fuck.”

• Oh no, Chase is a face toucher too. Point taken away.

• At the cocktail party, James says to the camera, “You know, there are guys here who are better looking than me, who are smarter than me, who make more money than me, have better hair than me, are funnier than me…wait, where was I going with this? I’m so fucked.”

Rose Ceremony 

Chase and Luke already have roses. Others go to Robby and Jordan. She struggles with who to give the last one to and runs away for a minute. They make me think she’s giving them both the boot and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. She decides not to boot anyone and gives both James and Alex a rose. James is thrilled and Alex is much smarter about it, saying it’s a pity rose. CORRECT. Of course it is. He knows he doesn’t really stand a chance, and the same goes for James. Those two are so obviously gone next week…why prolong it?

See you guys next week!

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

The Bachelorette – Week 4 Thoughts

This is also known as the “Alex is mad at everything” episode. I’m planning on the same bullet-point format with my random thoughts on this episode, but interspersed, will be snippets of all the shit Alex is mad about. Here goes…

• Spreading Chad’s protein powder like ashes is actually pretty funny, but that shit is expensive. Also, litter much? Pennsylvania is going to be pissed.

• Chad: “I guess she thinks I’m too intense or something.” Well that and just the fact you’re kind of a douche bag.

Alex: “I mean, Chad is just an asshole. I’m so mad about him.”

• Evan’s mustache is gross.

• James (not Taylor) wrote JoJo a poem, read it to her and got sent home. Guys, that RARELY works out.

Alex: “I mean, I stood UP to talk to JoJo. If someone else doesn’t want to do that, that’s not my problem. I’m so mad about that.”

• Luke tells JoJo his heart beats faster when he thinks about her. At least he didn’t use the term butterflies. (Robby, I’m talking to you. I love you. A lot…but you need to cut out that butterfly shit STAT)

• Jordan just nails JoJo against the wall. I’m a big fan of this move.

Rose Ceremony 

Luke, Jordan and Alex already have roses. The rest go to:

Derek – pussy, I think.
Robby – I cannot figure out why I love him so much. Mama like mama like.
Chase – Sort of a mid-range competitor. He won’t win, he won’t go home next week. Nothing extraordinary. Too many tats.
Wells – Sooooo skinny. I’m not into muscle men at all but I’m also not into the 5 year-old boy look.
Grant – No no no. I mean, he seems sweet, but NOPE.
Vinny – I love Vinny! I don’t want him on top of me naked. Maybe I do a little…but he’s so sweet.
James Taylor – Ugh, ok he’s a nice guy for sure. Probably a good husband-type. But the naked on top of me gauge is saying hell no.
Evan – When JoJo says his name, he lets out a very unattractive “PHEW!” Easy, dude.

Therefore, Daniel and James get sent home. James gets the shaft for sure – Lots of other guys should have gone before him. But still, he wouldn’t have won, so whatevs. Oh and I kind of love Canadian Daniel’s “Take care, eh?” to the dudes.

• JoJo tells the guys they are off to Uruguay. They all pull out their phones and Google “your-a-gway”.

Alex: “I don’t trust Jordan. He might be here for fame. I’m really mad about that.”

• Jordan and JoJo one-on-one date: They swim with seals. Ummm, don’t sharks EAT seals? Aren’t you supposed to NOT look like a seal to avoid getting eaten by sharks? Seriously, it’s a miracle nobody has died on one of these dates yet.

• Back at the hotel, guys are reading tabloids and are worried JoJo is still in love with her ex.

Alex: “That’s not cool if JoJo is still in love with Chad. She better be here for the right reasons. I’m so mad about this.”

• Apparently, JoJo previously met Jordan’s ex who said he was a shitty boyfriend. She asks him about this and he admits it. I admire his honesty, buuuuuut this is a red flag, girlfriend. Like the red flag that should have been in the water with those seals.

• After her date with Jordan, JoJo says to the producers, “I am so happy and I don’t think anything can take away this feeling! You want to show me what?”

• JoJo is pissed about her ex Chad talking to tabloids. She cries a lot. A lot. Then tells the guys that she is super pissed about the article and she’s definitely there for the right reasons, blaaaaaaah. She never really denies banging him after Ben’s season though?

• I kind of want Luke in my pants.

• Uruguay looks cold, miserable and kind of shitty? I’m sure it’s nice, but I wouldn’t say this show is helping drum up tourism.

Alex: “You guys, it’s cold and rainy in Uruguay. I am mad about this.”

• Group date: JoJo kisses James Taylor like a brother. I give him one more week.

• Derek is super insecure and basically asks JoJo for reassurance. She gives him the rose. The other guys hate that. What’s funny is that this happens all the TIME with the girls on the Bachelor but the other girls don’t rain down shit on that girl.

Alex: “Derek is so insecure. I’m so mad about that. I should just worry about myself. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. Perhaps because I’M actually insecure and have an anger problem. Why can’t I let ANYTHING go? Anyway, I’m really mad about Derek.”

Wait one more:

Alex: “Also, I’m mad I didn’t get the rose. I talked to her about serious things and if that’s not enough, then I don’t know what is. I’m mad about this.” (Gee, maybe she just doesn’t fucking like you, dude.)

 Alex should also be insecure about Luke's nipples

• Robby and JoJo’s date is sweet. I love him. And I want him to save me from drowning sometime.

• Cliff diving? Did the producers clear this with anyone? And I’m not talking about just some Uruguay local. I bet that shit is cold too. Also, JoJo says she trusts him. Well yeah, he IS an Olympic swimmer apparently. Although that is not going to help you when your brain hits a rock on the way down.

• Robby tells her that he loves her. It feels early in the game for this. Why is he so eager beaver? But I like him so much that this isn’t a turn off…

• There’s a minor bitch gathering at the cocktail party. Derek oddly complains about the guys being mean, I think. Guys aren’t happy because Derek is distracting them from the task at hand….which is preparing to talk to JoJo?

Alex: “I’m trying to focus on what I’m going to say to JoJo. It’s a tough balance between being charming, faking how secure I am, sounding smart, trying to look tall and not sound so angry. So anyway, I’m mad about this.”

Rose Ceremony 

Derek, Jordan and Robby already have roses. The rest go to:

Luke – Mmmmm. 
Chase – Meh.
Alex – Gross, angry and lame.
James – Brotherly.
Wells – Thin. But cute.

 Maybe if I stand SUUUUUPER close to her, she won't tell how short I am. Or how angry I am.

Therefore, Evan, Grant, and Vinny get sent home. I’m sorry Evan is sad, but it was never going to happen. Grant – same thing. I’m actually bummed about Vinny, but he wasn’t going to last until the end either. But good luck to Vinny.

See you guys next week!

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

The Bachelorette - Week 3 1/2 Thoughts

I TOLD YOU. I knew Evan just bumped his face on the bottom of the pool and got a bloody nose. This show is such bullshit.

Thoughts on Week 3, part 2:

• Jordan’s spotty beard looks dirty.

• I love Robby but I doubt she’ll pick him.

• Footage of Chad eating is super gross. Why does it feel so graphic and munchy?

• Derek: Is he a total pussy? I can’t tell.

• It’s incredibly gross that all the dudes are muscle-y and oily and hang out in the kitchen like that making sandwiches. Isn’t there a health code of some kind?

Rose Ceremony 

I can’t imagine how unattractive I would look in JoJo’s crop top number for the rose ceremony.

James, Evan and Chase already have roses. The other 11 (you heard me) go to these dudes below. I listed them as JoJo calls them. I’ve also decided to include a brief description so you know who they are and a rating, on a scale of 1-10, if I want them on top of me naked. A “1” means fuck no. Danny DeVito for example. A “10” is hell yes, like Adam Levine.

Grant – firefighter with small teeth and a pointy face, OTOMN (on top of me naked) rating: 1

Derek – Slightly pussyish, looks like John Krasinski but not as funny and charming. OTOMN: 3  

Jordan – Ex-pro footballer, cute. OTOMN: 7  

Luke – Cute and mysterious – mama like. OTOMN: 9 (if he promises not to touch my face during lovemaking)

Robby – WHY do I find him so attractive? OTOMN: 9  

Wells – He’s probably built like the average man, but compared to all the overly muscled dudes on this show, Wells looks like a five-year-old boy. But he’s still cute and funny. And he has my dream job of morning show DJ, so maybe if I married him, he could get me a job. OTOMN: 6  

James F – I barely know who he is so my rating is difficult. He seems cute though. OTOMN: 6  

Vinny – You know the stereotype you picture when you hear a guy is named Vinny? That’s this guy. OTOMN: 4

Daniel – There is something hysterical about him and his insanely Canadian accent. I think he was buddies with Chad but didn’t really want to be. I’m on the fence. OTOMN: 5  

Alex – Sooooo short. And seems to have a problem letting things slide. OTOMN: 3  

Chad – Meathead who is clearly on roids, and kind of a dick. OTOMN: 1 (mostly because he would squish me)

Therefore, Nick, Ali and Christian go home. No surprises there.

• Pennsylvania is an odd choice but it looks nice-ish there. Despite the fact they make dogs pull humans on wheeled carts?

• Evan says, “This resort is rugged and manly so I feel comfortable.” Ummm, say what?

• Luke and JoJo do some making out in a big barrel of hot water. He’s yummy.

• Luke tells us he was recruited to play football at West Point. There’s something hot about this information, especially when it’s kind of unexpected.

• Luke is a perfect example of a guy who is cute, but not overly hot but holy moly I want him on top of me naked.

• Group Date…the physical one where everyone will get hurt. Starting with…James Taylor.
His quote here was, “I don’t think I want stitches.” 

• I assume any team with Evan and his tender nose will lose, but somehow they win. Which means JoJo takes that team to a cocktail party. Which means she gets to make out with Robby on a pool table, YUM.

• Later, back at the hotel, Chad is freaking out and threatening to punch everyone and it’s REALLY tiring.

• Alex and Chad go on a two-on-one hiking date. Hiking isn’t my thing. So this date doesn’t sound like a good idea with my husband in Hawaii, so it CERTAINLY doesn’t sound like a good idea in the winter, in Pennsylvania with two dudes with anger problems who hate each other.

• JoJo gives Chad the boot after Alex tells her that Chad is crazy pants. JoJo and Alex run off into the sunset and Chad stomps through the dark forest like an axe murderer. He knocks on the guys’ hotel door (or scratches it?) and Evan probably almost poops his pants.

So the show is off next week and back June 20th, so I’ll see you then. We’ll find out if Chad finally actually punches anyone (spoiler – he doesn’t). Love you guys!

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Bachelorette - Week 3 Thoughts

So many disgusting things about this week. Numero uno is this:

Me Chad. Chad HUNGRY. Chad like salad. Mmmm Salad. 

Other thoughts:

• I never want to do yumyum or meowmeow or actually do yoga in any capacity, ever again. If yoga was gaining popularity, this episode single handedly just demolished the thought of anyone new ever trying out yoga.

• Also, I take yoga class and I’ve never been asked to make a “HRRRGH!” sound or have an anger-gasm or straddle another participant. I HAVE been told to “ommm” and pretend the sound of traffic outside was actually ocean waves. But I’ll take that hippie shit over the meowmeow any day.

• Chase and JoJo head off to dinner and a private concert by an unknown artist – standard practice for this seriously repetitive show. I like Chase. I think he’s hot, right? Even though he made a heart shape with his fingers to the camera and I’m 75% confident he’s wearing Wranglers.

• Chad is not pleased he’s on a group date and decides to tell all the guys this. Then he throws out some roid-rage-driven insults and decides to pump some iron.

For real, what is going on here? 

• Group date: They not only have to do stand-up comedy, but also tell America some personal anecdote about their sex life. This is horrifying. Not as horrifying as Nick SHOWING me how he goes down on a girl. Good lord.

• Evan makes fun of Chad, who rips his wee little shirt because he’s so mad. 95% of this episode is about Chad being a dickface. In a nutshell, here’s why he’s an asshole: He hates the premise of the show, despite the fact he’s ON IT. He doesn’t want to do group dates or reveal his feelings or talk. Or be nice. Or stop lifting weights.

• JoJo gives Evan the rose, which is gross. Come on. Chad calls her out and says, “Is this a real scenario right now?” I agree. No way she likes him. But unlike me, Chad PROBABLY shouldn’t say that out loud.

• One-on-one date is for James Taylor. WHY is she not picking Robby or Luke?

• Because the guys feel Chad is a loose cannon ready to pop, they hire an overweight, sleepy security guard to protect them. Which is odd because EVEN I could kick the shit out of that guard. That guy isn’t protecting anyone from anything.

• Swing dancing lessons with James Taylor sounds like an awful date. He’s sweet but no thanks.

• James Taylor tells JoJo two things that are incredibly unfortunate. One is that he has zero confidence in his physical appearance (total turn on, thanks) and the other is that he has a zest for life. That would be exhausting to keep up with.


• Evan now cries to Chris Harrison saying he’s afraid of Chad. Harrison then tells Chad that Evan is afraid of him (sort of). He tells Chad to apologize to the guys, but before we get to that, the show is over and we’re given all these previews of bleeding men. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that two guys are bloody because they bumped heads during a pie eating contest or some other Bachelorette shtick. Probably has nothing to do with Chad.

• Last thought: Alex’s tattoos are not attractive. Boys – please think twice before you permanently mark your torso with a large tiger.

No rose ceremony because we ALL HAVE TO WATCH THIS SHIT AGAIN TONIGHT. See you tomorrow!