Wednesday, July 27, 2016

The Bachelorette - Men Tell All Thoughts

I hated that episode. It doesn’t need be to two hours long and way to give Chad more fucking screen time. I have thoughts, but honestly, that shit was painful to watch so I totally zoned out most of it. Here are like…five thoughts.

 No seriously, who is this?

• I could NOT be more excited for Bachelor in Paradise. How does Wells hook up with Ashley Kardashian chick? There goes my hope for Wells being fun and normal.

• MULTIPLE marriage proposals? I mean, come on! That is awesome! BIP! BIP! BIP!

• Jubilee = still wet blanket

• Chad... ok Chad gets a paragraph and then I’m done with him:

Chad is a crazy asshole. He thinks he’s cool and funny and he loves to think he’s a shit-stirrer. Since he went on the Bachelorette and became this famous villain guy, he’s upped the villain shit to cash in on his 15 minutes of fame. His Instagram feed is apparently a bunch of over-the-top douche bag stuff, and I don’t get why he’s so fascinating. They spent WAY to much time on him and his feuds and nothing was ever really determined about why he hated everyone and why they hated him. I mean, just cause he’s an asshole, sure, but we spent an hour on him and I don’t get it. OK Back to bullets. Oh wait! One more thing. My favorite part of the show was probably when Nick gets up and pretends he wants to fight Chad – they pan to the security guard who looks like he’s about to shit his pants. I could almost hear him talking to himself in his brain: “Oh shiiiiiit, please don’t actually go after him and make me step in. I’m like, 150 bills. I’d die. Please sit down please sit down please sit down.”

 • Alex still an angry wee thing.

• Turns out…Evan did push Chad. Ohmygod I hate this show. And I still do a little gag when I picture Evan having an orgasm on top of me. OMG why did I just say that?

• Luke in the hot seat. He’s ready to love again.

• Chase in the hot seat. He’s ready to love again.

• JoJo comes out and she’s still stupid hot. I’m not a lesbian but if I were going to be, I’d find her.

• I zoned out the rest and then my DVR cut out. I’m not about to waste my time to find it online, so there is your stellar reporting, people.

Let’s just write this one off and dive into Bachelor in Paradise. Starts next week! OK I’m getting ahead of myself. Finale on Monday peeps – see you then!

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

The Bachelorette - Week 8 Thoughts

We still have four goddamn dudes left and JoJo is still prancing around a runway. Oh wait, she’s good! Here we go:

She gives roses to Jordan, Robby and Chase, which means Luke gets sent home. Wait, that’s what she was going to do last week anyway! Thanks for the weeklong cliffhanger, Bachelor dicks. OK More thoughts:

• Luke is in total shock. It’s actually sad and I HATE it when I get really sad at this shit show. I wonder what it really was about him that she didn’t like? Maybe he’ll be next Bachelor?

• JoJo checks into her Thailand hotel, which screams tsunami risk. Geesh.

• Last I heard, being on a boat with lightning is not optimal.

I mean, dock the damn boat. 

• JoJo says she’s excited to be intimate with Robby because she knows she’s in love with him. So she’s not playing coy about the sex aspect, eh? She might as well have said, “I do plan on having sexual relations with Robby tonight, yes. I would like to see how that goes.”

• She leaves Robby’s sex den the morning after and heads off to bang Jordan that night. I mean…this show IS weird, no?

• Jordan gets the shitty exercise-filled date. Also probably totally snake-filled. Throw some squirrels in there, a helicopter ride and Jada Pinkett Smith and it’s my true nightmare.

• And now a Thai cave?? Are we trying to die? My god.

• Is her fantasy suite with Jordan the exact same room as Robby’s sexual haven?

• The next morning Jordan says, “We took a big step last night, in a really exciting direction.” He adds, “And that direction was north…up her vagine. BOOM!”

• Chase is overly excited and it’s clear from the get-go that this is doomed. They walk around, they swim in the ocean, blah blah blah. Then they have dinner and I’m 94% certain he’s wearing a matador shirt?

• She gives him the fantasy suite card, and once they’re in there, he tells her that he loves her. She immediately leaves to go sit on a stoop. And stew. Stew stoop. It’s a stoop to stew. What am I doing?

• She goes back in and dumps him, saying she doesn’t feel the same. Do you think he’s more bummed that he won’t be humping her in ten minutes like he thought or that she dumped him for good?

• He tells her it was terrifying to say “I love you” and then she shattered him. I kind of agree her timing was not perfect there. The dude will probably never say the word “love” ever again.

• He’s sad, then he’s mad. Really mad. He storms off and she chases him. She’s chasing Chase.

• God, I’m exhausted from this crying and sadness bullshit. She must be really, really tired.

• As Jordan walks into rose ceremony, Chris Harrison asks Jordan what was it about this week that gave him so much confidence? (Really, Chris?) He responds, “Humping JoJo into Thursday, that’s what.”

• Robby walks into the rose ceremony and clearly Harrison needs to get laid because he says, “How was that time off camera?” He should’ve just said, “So how did actual penetration go this week?”

• No real rose ceremony, since it’s just Jordan and Robby. The three-way toast is downright weird. “I’m so lucky to be loved by you both.” Isn’t that weird for them? I was hoping she’d add, “And it was wonderful making love to both of you this week.”

Men Tell All tonight, which is long and stupid but I’ll watch of course. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

The Bachelorette – Hometown Thoughts

We’re down to four dudes: Chase, Jordan, Robby and Luke. At the end of the show, we’re down to…four dudes. I mean, has this season lasted forever or what? Fuck.

My thoughts:

• In case you didn’t catch onto this with the four million references to it but CHASE’S PARENTS ARE DIVORCED, you guys.

• Chase’s house is filled with bachelor pad-type décor. Meaning…he doesn’t decorate for shit. He just has leftover oak end tables and shit from college. But it’s a decent house, with the exception of this small detail:

Where’s the goddamn railing? 

• Chase’s Dad says, “He has a big heart.” Chase replies, “I got it from you, Dad. I mean, except for that time you left mom and she was totes devastated and I was like, you know, EIGHT FUCKING YEARS OLD, and I didn’t know how to make my pancakes but mom was crying too hard to do it for me but…where was I going with this?”

• Chase’s Mom is hot! Except why is she wearing some friggin Athleta-type exercise shirt? It’s a nice dinner, lady. And that is a HUGE horse painting whoa.

• OMG are they going skiing in their backyard? That’s a chairlift. With wine! Fun!

• Chase’s sister is also hot but it’s clear this “always hide your emotions” thing runs in the entire family.

• Chase’s mom tells him that he deserves an amazing girl, and Chase starts crying. She says, “Crying is not our style. I’M FUCKING SERIOUS YOUR FATHER MIGHT BE WATCHING. WE ARE ALL HAPPY WITHOUT HIM DAMMIT.

• Jesus, are there no deer in Texas? JoJo about shits her pants at the deer in Chico.

• Jordan lives in Nashville but he takes JoJo to Chico. Doesn’t matter – Aaron isn’t in either place.

• She’s the most nervous at his house. Cause she loves him the most. You know who I love the most? Jordan’s brother’s girlfriend. She’s fun.

• Why do I love Jordan a lot more now? He’s hot today. MMM. Maybe it was that damn “slam-her-up-against-a-wall-of-books” move.

• I love Robby but my takeaway after his date comes down to two points: 1) He cares more about his looks and wardrobe than I do, which would be a problem. 2) I would spend more time talking him off a ledge than the other way around. Which would also be a problem. I need someone level-leaded and un-emotional. To combat my general fucking craziness.

• They start their hometown date with a horse and carriage ride! Minus the animal cruelty, that looks super fun. Oh calm down PETA.

Robby's Mama may have had a few.

• Robby’s ex yelled at him and hit him in the face and they haven’t spoken since. Yeah, I’m with JoJo on this one. If it IS actually over, it would make me feel better if it hadn’t ended like my high school relationships did…or an episode of Cheaters.

• Robby’s younger brothers want to get in JoJo’s pants.

• Luke thinks it’s a good idea to invite everyone he knows to meet JoJo…because I’m sure that’s what she wanted to do today - Small talk 100 people instead of getting to know your family. Also, did you see some of those people? An eclectic bunch.

• Luke and his Dad talk about marriage…or maybe it was war? I don’t know. I want to go to bed. Then he talks to JoJo about the future on his hay sofa and again…time to end this shit.

Rose Ceremony 

Airport hangar rose ceremony is a new one, no? She’s about to give out three roses and ditch someone…and she oddly TELLS us that it’s going to be Luke. Then Luke asks to talk to her, tells her he’s in love with her, and then she freaks out. She weeps and runs around on the runway for a bit which seems like a major FAA violation, no? She ends up doing…nothing. That’s right. We have to wait for next week, those fuckers.

Next week is a two-night deal – she gets rid of a couple dudes and then we have the men-tell-all special. So we’re almost done and then we can all move on to Bachelor in Paradise (premieres August 2nd, I think?) See you guys next week!

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

The Bachelorette – Week 6 Thoughts

Did I totally predict that Alex and James would be going home this week or WHAT? Oh wait, everybody did.

SO six guys left, but clearly there’s really only four left. Now we just have two hours to watch it happen. Here are my thoughts:

• Alex is whiny. And angry. And amazingly unperceptive. Whoa.

• That is a shit ass bus and those poor bastards have to spend about 17 hours on it. Let’s hope nobody had the runs after that mystery meat.

• On Alex’s one-on-one date, JoJo comments that this feels just like a normal day! While they’re in Argentina. In a limo. Eating Doritos. With one of your five boyfriends.

• Alex is soooo relieved he was able to get on that horse without the gaucho pushing his ass onto it, like he did for JoJo.

 “Look how connected they are!”, says JoJo. 

 I mean…they definitely make love sometimes, right? 

• Her lack of sexual attraction towards Alex is painfully apparent.

• Is nobody concerned about the wild dog hanging out with them at dinner? Gross.

• So let me get this straight. “Out of respect for him”, she sends his ass home, after making out with him all day on top of their horse, AFTER he tells her that he’s falling in love with her…thereby forcing him to take an 8-hour bus ride back to the airport. Got it.

• Jordan’s one-on-one date: Wow, she likes him so much more than Alex. Anyhoo, when she climbs in the bucket of grapes WITH him and rubs that shit all over his calves with her feet, I gagged a little. Hair in my wine mmmmmm.

• Apparently, he’s not friends with his famous bro, Aaron. JoJo is now mourning the loss of her Packers season tickets.

• Mama likes that “nail me up against a wall” move. I mean, if my husband did it, I’d be all, “Dude, there’s spiders and dirt on that, cut it out.”

• Group Date for James, Chase and Robby is basically getting hammered at 2pm in a hotel room and playing games and watching TV. In other words, SERIOUSLY THE BEST DATE EVER.

• James Taylor putting 100 french fries in his mouth is 1) nauseating and 2) a massive waste of perfectly good fries.

• James Taylor decides to bluntly address the elephant in the room by telling JoJo, “It seems like we have a sweet connection but maybe you have a more physical connection with other guys…” And he says this as a squished French fry falls out of his neck folds.

• James Taylor calls his parents: “Mom? Dad? It’s me, your son! Oh I miss you too. I can’t wait for you to meet JoJo! She’s the girl you’ve always wanted me to meet! Say what? No, she can’t come to the phone right now. It looks like she’s got Robby’s tongue in her mouth at the moment. But anyhoo, so excited for you to meet her!”

• Luke date: More horses and tongue. That’s about it.

Rose Ceremony 

With Alex gone, we’re down to five dudes, and JoJo has four roses. They go to Luke, Jordan and Chase, which means James Taylor is going home. But man he goes out in style. Any chance of him being the next Bachelor? Not sure if the sexual appeal is there, but he’s a nice dude.

Hometowns next week! Can’t wait to see all the ugly couches and 80’s décor!