Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/30 Thoughts

I now hate Caila, Jared and Ashley. I hate Ashley the most, with Jared a close second. How does he not just scream at her and tell her she’s fucking crazy? And a total snatch? JARED: She is not doing this to protect you. I mean, come on. Oh and good news folks – next week is the finale! And Nick is the next Bachelor. Two pieces of good news.

Other thoughts:

• Ashley said that Jared made her feel safe and loved. Ummm, like the time he told you he loved you like a sister? Or the time he felt up Caila boobs while standing five feet from you? Totes true love. You psycho.

• Caila leaves and Jared goes with her, which is great because it’ll shut Ashley the fuck up. Also, Jared seems to have forgotten his luggage. And does he have his passport in his back pocket? Because if he doesn’t, that could be tricky getting through Immigration. But sure, super romantic. (?)

• Ashley has a light bulb moment when she realizes Wells likes her more when she’s not fucking crazy. Now we need to give her a few minutes to see if that logic carries over to everyone else in the goddamn universe. Honey, we ALL like you better when you’re not a psycho asshole.

• Neither Jami nor Ashley remotely stand a chance with Wells. Pluuuuease. He’s just enjoying the fact girls want to put their tongue in his mouth.

• Lauren and her SUPER Midwest accent arrive in Paradise along with Shushanna, who seems like a nice, dumb, albeit slightly slutty addition. She also walks like she has a pole stuck in her butthole.

• Lauren asks Brett out (someone please explain the attraction to lamp dude. Mama don’t get it). Shu asks Wells out, who seriously cannot believe his luck this week.

• When Brett says yes to Lauren, you can almost hear Vinny, all the way from home in New Jersey, yelling “YEEEEEEEES! SUCK IT IZZY!”

• Despite the fact he almost kills her with his surfboard, Lauren tells Brent she’s very attrAAAAActed to him. I don’t know how else to do Midwest accent in writing.

• Amanda is talking about getting engaged to Josh and I almost pass out from running around my living room shouting, “Noooooo you IDIOT!”

• I have two kids and I love kids, they’re a blessing, blah blah blah, but Josh is in for a rude awakening when he gets back to the real world with her. Taking care of two kids under age 5 is a far cry from sex noises 24-7 in Mexico.

OK Folks, that’s about it. See you for the finale next week. Neil Lane yo!

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/29 Thoughts

Now I wonder if there’s just no end to this? They’ll just shuttle skanks in and out for the next 15 years?


• Wells has never been so popular with women in his entire life.

• Ashley is blazing new trails and creating new meanings for the term “hot mess”. I mean, really, people, she’s special.

• She’s VERY tired of seeing Caila with Jared. So then leave? How does this logic escape her?

• I bet Ashley’s dog committed suicide. Or faked his own death to have a healthier relationship with a normal owner.

• I love how everyone is selling Ashley to Wells, convincing him to ask her out, but NOT telling him the truth about her. Everyone glosses over the “but why should I ask her out” question.

• Their date is fine, but he’s definitely not interested in her. At all.

THIS is why they never really eat on dates on this show.

• I’m not sure, but it feels like a bad decision to feed stray Mexican dogs your leftover tacos?

• ALL of these ladies’ eyelashes are a hot Mexican mess. Whoa.

• Lace is a fucking mess of a child. She plays the same attention-getting games I did in college. And once last week with my husband.

• Nick says he likes Jen and it’s going well. He says, “She’s not a strong personality.” Code for snooze-city.

• I do not understand the upper level bed with the revolving door. It’s the sex den? And they all just take turns? I do not want to have sex where Evan’s ejaculate may be.

• Who told Carly that red lace outfit was acceptable? I mean, it’s not even close. It looks like something the owner of a whorehouse would wear in an 80’s movie.

• Daniel gives one twin a plate of shitty American food in an attempt to woo her and get her rose. Makes sense because her odds of having the runs in that Mexican hut hotel aren’t good enough as it is, so let’s add some imported chicken nuggets into the mix.

• Twins bug Nick about Josh, and Nick is completely sane, rational and calm. He is the voice of reason, people. He’s the mature one. And he’s hot. Mama likes Nick now! Anyway, the twins need to mind their own fucking business.

• At the rose ceremony, roses go to predictable couples, and then the twins decide to leave and not give their roses out. I don’t get this at all. Why don’t they give it to Daniel and Carl/Bob/Steve, whoever, and just say it’s not because they like them but it’s fun to hang out in paradise? Whatever.

• On their way out the door, they tell Amanda Josh’s intentions aren’t pure. This is so fucking annoying. They say it like it’s a fact and they also say it all dramatic and bitchy. They should’ve said, “We think the dude sucks and has a major temper problem. We think he might be here just to fix his image but we have no real idea. But we just wanted to tell you our opinions and concerns.” But this assumes twins are rational, normal people.

• Josh MAD when he finds out. ME JOSH, JOSH MAD. He yells and Nick says it best when he says, “You could see Josh trying to stay calm and he couldn’t.” This dude would be a nightmare to date.

• Josh yells, “How dare you think I’m disingenuous!” Now he’s making up big fancy words. What? That’s a real word? Oh. Well it sounds big and fake.

• Annoying ass Jami shows up at 5:30am and meets Wells at the pool. She asks him out and they leave. They go off-roading and Wells claims he’s having a great date. For the record, that’s not because of Jami, but the off-roading thing.

• They go cliff-diving and by “cliff-diving”, I mean “shallow rock jumping”. And she plugs her nose, which is a total fucking dealbreaker for me. I have no idea why but this infuriates me. Just jump in and blow out your nose when you hit the water. There. I just taught you how to do it. There is NO EXCUSE for a 24-year-old woman to plug her nose when jumping into a body of water.

• Caila is becoming the second most annoying woman on this show, with her constant whining about Ashley. Fucking forget about her and just hang out with Jared. Stop being high maintenance and needy. Thank God I’ve never been an annoying girl like that. Oh wait…

OK More tonight…and then more next week? And perhaps the week after that.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/23 Thoughts

I have thoughts. Here they are.

• Izzy redeems herself by 1% by saying that she didn’t dump Vinny JUST because of Brett’s looks, but because she had doubts about Vinny too. Problem is, those doubts magically appeared when gay Brett and his lamp walked in.

• Vinny leaves, which makes him look like a man. Fuck her, dude. Get out, move on. He should’ve brought Ashley with him.

• Oh yay. Jade and Tanner are there. That definitely means excitement. (If I could type this in “sarcasm font”, I would.)

• Jen tells Nick not to hold back. Nick tells Jen he wants to take it slowly in hopes that he avoids becoming a Trivial Pursuit Question. That’s aiming a bit high. I’d say he’s more likely to be a Family Feud question. Of course that format is different so it wouldn’t make sense. But Trivial Pursuit isn’t even made anymore is it? Where am I going with this?

• Caila is 24??? She acts like she’s 40. Wait, I’m 40. She acts like she’s 60.

• Jared and Caila go out to fake dinner and then strip down and almost hump in a stream. Whoa. I guess she does like balls in her face (please refer to yesterday’s post).

• After making out, he pins her against a rock and she wraps his legs around him? Dad, I think he’s gonna pork her. He’s not gonna pork her, Russ. I think he’s gonna. He may pork her. Finish your breakfast.

• Carly and Evan go on a rebirth date in a sweaty Mexican cave. Maaaaaaaaybe the worst date of all time? There’s sweat, half-naked strangers, some chanting, hairy people pouring dirty water on me and Evan half naked. Yup, worst date ever.

• Oddly, Carly is into it. I guess her desperation has hit an all-time high. Oh I kid… maybe she’s maturing and realizing she needs a GOOD guy to marry. Not sure if she’ll want him orgasm-ing on top of her for the next 50 years but whatevs.

• Back at the compound, Psycho Ashley decides to up the bitch level by fucking with Jared and Caila. She claims she can stimulate his mind…um, that’s not stimulating, that’s fucking with him. Kick that crazy bitch out, please. You know why you’re not sexy, Ashley? Because you suck. Big time.

• Anyhoo, Ashley tells Jared that it’s clear he likes Caila more than Caila likes him. He runs to Caila. Caila runs to Ashley. I run to my freezer, grab some ice cream and call it a night.

OK See you next week. When does Wells get there?

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/22 Thoughts

This is good shit, people. I could watch this garbage for DAYS. Some thoughts:

• Ashley says she came to paradise to get over Jared. Ummm, that’s like going to an AA meeting for a margarita.

• So Jared looks her in the FACE and says, “I care about you but not romantically.” So if a guy said that to me, the LAST thing I would say back to him is, “......please?” or “ARE YOU SURE?” I understand being heartbroken, but really…yelling at him to love you rarely works. I’ve tried that too. Hey I was 22 once. Give me a break.

• Carly tells Evan she likes him now and they kiss. I cringe. So does she. Carly is just lonely and doesn’t want to be alone. I get that…and I feel for her. Maybe because this hits close to home: It reminds me of the time I dated the fat gay guy.

• At the rose ceremony, Daniel’s rose is the only one that’s a mystery. Which makes sense because he’s a fucking mystery. I think I love him now because he’s funny and oddly the voice of reason. But then he’s so gross too? I’m confused. I think when I turned 40, I lost my ability to snap judge.

• Speaking of the voice of reason – Daniel says to Ashley what we’re all thinking: If he doesn’t want to be with you, then you don’t want to be with him! Then he adds, “What you should do is bang 10 guys, and if you don’t like any of them, bang ten more.” Honestly, the guy is pretty wise. I mean, isn’t that basically what we all did? I like to think of my past as less sleazy than that, but let’s just call a spade a spade, shall we?

• He gives his rose to the Irish dancing twins, sending Ashley and Sarah home. Sarah cries in the car. Ashley cries in the car…then gets out and comes back. Sooooo, did Sarah not get the memo that if she just walks back into the compound, she can stay? This no-rules part of this show is confusing.

• Who the fuck is Carl? And no, Emily, he’s not hot because he’s wearing GODDAMN JEAN SHORTS.

• Brett, whoever the shit that is, comes in next and asks Caila out on a date. She says yes. Then no. Then yes, then no, then yes, then no. OMG girlfriend.

• The minute she gets on the booze cruise and gets some penis shoved in her face, she’s NOT pleased. Man she’s FUN. Geesh. Who DOESN’T like sweaty stranger balls in their face? What a buzzkill.

• Who the fuck is Ryan?

• Ryan asks Haley out which is weird because she was just on a date with Carl. Or is that a different twin? I don’t know. But she wears lingerie and converse shoes to horseback ride, so that’s weird.

• Grant tells Lace he’s in love with her. Oh no. She’s got a case of “I’m pretty desperate but then when a guy likes me TOO much, then that’s unattractive.”

• Izzy (aka Grass is Always Greener Girl) decides she wants to bang lamp guy and dump the hot, nice, caring dude she’s been with for SO LONG that she’s grown tired of him. I hate girls.

• Vinny says, “So you’re going to throw away what we have because of one ten-minute conversation?” No, not really. It’s from one conversation AND the way he looks. That’s WAY better.

• Izzy will learn within ten minutes that Brett is lame and she’ll run back to Vinny who hopefully will not take her back and she will learn, the hard way, what we ALL learned when we dumped the nice guy for the hot guy. Except Brett isn’t hot. But you get my point.

OK One more hour tonight. We can’t have too many more weeks of this, can we? See you guys tomorrow!

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/16 Thoughts

Let’s talk about the Olympics instead. I want to see Men’s springboard diving naked. Not that I’m remotely attracted to those dudes at all, but it would be super amusing to see those floppy penises and testicles spinning around at 40mph. Onto Bachelor in Paradise…

• I’m sure Ashley I. is sweet but MAN does she have issues. And in ten years when (hopefully) she’s matured and happily married, she is going to be so sad that the Internet exists.

• Jared is beyond sad she’s there. Not only is he 100% not interested in her, but her drama is fucking up his chances with Caila. Also, what’s the deal with the Caila/Ashley back-story? How are they all friends? Apparently Caila told Ashley she wouldn’t go after Jared, but I find that hard to believe?

• Haley plays the role of the overly honest, blunt friend, telling Ashley how Jared’s eyes lit up when he saw Caila. Despite the fact Ashley is sitting there crying about him. I’m all for honesty but perhaps know what details to avoid vomiting all over your emotionally unbalanced friend.

• Daniel and Ashley make a perfect, ridiculous pair. I kind of wished they had sex. And despite their relatively fun date, Ashley wakes up bawling about Jared.

• Josh is still moaning, FYI.

• Jen arrives. She’s the small business owner, which if you recall from my recaps of Ben’s season, I loved to speculate what the shit “small business owner” really meant. I have narrowed it down to Chinese restaurant owner or owner of a bead kiosk at the mall.

• We got it, cameras, Jen has boobs.

• Jen is suuuuuuuuuuuuuper boring. Nick calls it gracefulness. That’s just code for little-to-no personality.

• So Evan goes to the hospital because he has a swollen ankle? And where did that un-gloved paramedic receive his IV insertion training? Holy shit.

• Before the rose ceremony, Nick gives me another reason to love him. He tells Ashley she’s fucking crazy and will never, ever, ever be with Jared. He says it a little nicer than that.

OK That’s all for this week! See you soon, peeps.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/15 Thoughts

Here are this week’s thoughts on Evan’s grossness, Josh’s grossness and Amanda’s annoyingness:

• Evan interrupting Josh and Amanda’s makeout session? I mean…come on. “Umm excuse me? Josh? If you wouldn’t mind removing your penis from Amanda’s vagine for just a second, I want to feed her lobster and tell her I might love her.

• Josh groans when he kisses and he groans when he eats pizza (in a nauseating fashion, I might add). He then groans as he eats pizza while simultaneously tonguing Amanda. So fucking gross. Also, what’s wrong with her?

This seems like some kind of disorder worth investigating 

 • Evan pulls Amanda aside again before the rose ceremony (WHY is nobody stopping him), and tells her about Andi’s book and how Josh is an abusive dickface. Within ten seconds, Josh finds out about this shit-talking and wants to talk to Evan. He throws in a lot of Jesus talk and tries to keep his cool (to avoid further abuse allegations) and generally does a horrible job of coming across as a normal, nice person.

• Sarah kisses Christian and Daniel. She tells Christian that their date was the best date she’s ever had. She tells us Daniel’s kiss wasn’t great. Then she gives the rose to Daniel. Chick is confused.

• Rose ceremony: Lace gives her rose to Grant, Izzy to Vinny, Emily to Jared, Amanda to Josh, Sarah to Daniel and Carly to Evan. Wait, what? And then Haley to Nick.

• Brandon and Christian head home. Have we figured out who Brandon is yet?

• Everyone is super excited about the arrival of Caila’s hair to paradise.

• Speaking of abuse claims…Josh is to Andi, as Caila is to horses:

• Why is everyone napping together like a pile of kittens?

• Lace and Grant, along with Izzy and Vinny go on a double date to Senor Frogs. Gee thanks, Bachelor people.

• Jared likes Caila so he tells Emily that he wants to explore things with her (aka her vagine). Emily takes it like a champ…until she’s alone in front of the Bachelor cam.

• Evan gets a little drunk with Carly, Daniel and Sarah. Later, he passes out alone in his room and for some inexplicable reason, the producers call a medic when all the poor bastard wants to do is sleep. PS – Evan looks like Shakespeare with that fucking facial hair.

• The producers have no reason to call Carly, but they do anyway in hopes of some added drama. She decides to make out with him. All I can say is that she’s confused too and THIS fucking outfit should be illegal:

• Amanda and Josh have sex on camera, complete with squeals, moans and a few “likes” thrown in by Amanda. Just kidding. Also, I can’t imagine the sweaty mess under those sheets.

Well, that’s it. Until tonight. With Ashley I.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/9 Thoughts

One hour of this show is much more manageable, no? Here are some quick thoughts:

• Amanda and Josh making out at 8am? Cut that shit out, it’s breakfast time for fucks’ sake.

• Amanda literally had zero lines this episode yet she had more airtime than anyone. I have a feeling that they actually only made out once but the producers kept playing it over and over to make it seem more slobbery.

• Christian comes in (happy black dude from JoJo’s season). His date card says, “Who are you falling for?” Umm nobody because I literally JUST walked in. This show is so stupid.

• Christian asks Sarah out and they spend the day cheating death with a Mexican zip line. Let’s make good decisions, people, shall we?

• Daniel says he could help Evan by shaving that crap off his face and basically making him less Evan-ish. I seriously couldn’t have said it better myself.

• Hold the phone, does that say Evan is 33? No way. Try 53.

• Brandon from Desiree’s season? Who? He asks a twin out on a date, and the twins decide to switch spots halfway through the date. He has no clue, and they’re not pleased. But I kind of don’t blame him – they’re identical and don’t really have too many layers. They’re no Leah. (?)

• Sarah tells Daniel that her date with Christian was nice but she kept thinking how much more fun it would be if Daniel was with her. I mean…she DOES know he’ll watch this one day, right?

• Three couples making out in a row is friggin disgusting. What if one of them decides to give a hand job or something? This is awful. Also, I’m so old.

• Evan gets his paws on a fully cooked and prepared lobster and decides to whisk Amanda away to his romantic lobster den. He plans on interrupting Amanda and Josh’s makeout sesh and I want to fucking punch him in the face. I mean DUDE, I’m all for putting yourself out there and taking risks, but pick your moment.

OK That’s all for this week…see you Monday!

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/8 Thoughts

Thoughts on this unbelievably scripted shitshow:

• Leah from Ben’s season decided that pretty and natural wasn’t working for her, so she went for a new trampy/severe look. Whoa. She’s wearing full nighttime, smoky eye makeup. During the day. On the beach. Her eye shadow is sparkly for fucks’ sake.

• She is sad Chad left because she wants to give him her date card. They all tell her that he’s actually awful, aggressive and violent… and she’s still sad. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say she’s a wee bit fucked up.

• Leah asks Nick out and they head to the totally fake “Festival de Margaritas”. That sounds like a party I would have at my house for aged 40+ suburban moms.

• Lace’s hair and eyelashes are a total disaster. The extensions looked bad on day 1. Add in three days of tequila, chlorine and Grant’s sperm in her hair and they need an immediate deep conditioning. And those eyelashes are insanely stupid looking. Clump city.

• Amanda…seems nice, but not THAT hot and says “like” waaaaay too much. And has two kids. What’s the appeal?

• Leah and Nick kiss and it’s awful. I’m definitely under my couch. So awkward.

• Dick producers give Nick a date card immediately after he gets home from his date with Leah because they know he doesn’t like her and they like to set chicks up to cry. As expected, he asks Amanda out. And Leah cries and I’m cringing because if she gets tears on that face of cosmetics, that shit might make an unrepairable mess.

• On their date, Nick tells Amanda he likes girls with bold personalities and says Amanda has that edge. Ummm come again?

• Evan and Carly kiss and I’m definitely under the sofa again. Holy fuck, stop.

 OMG no no no.

• Grant and Lace bang in his bedroom, keeping their microphones on so we can hear all the moans. I feel like vomiting.

• Sarah and Vinny bond and he kisses her. He seems so sweet. Then he turns around and kisses Izzy. I get that this show is about playing the field but that just seems uber lame.

• Nick tells Leah he’s giving his rose to Amanda. She says she feels blindsided. That’s the second time in less than five hours, she’s been “blindsided.” Perhaps that’s because of all the dark shit in her eyes.

• Is Leah wearing a boob chain?

• Leah says she’s not crazy. And that she has lots of layers. If you’re not crazy and actually have a lot of layers, you don’t tell people you’re not crazy and have a lot of layers.

Rose Ceremony 

Grant gives his rose to Lace and her extensions, Nick gives his rose to Amanda, Evan to Carly, Jared to Emily (and Haley), Vinny to Izzy (dick) and Daniel to Sarah. Therefore Jubilee and Leah head home. No loss there.

• Josh, from Andi’s season, gets there and this guy is such a bullshit schmooze, my god.

• He asks Amanda out and they kiss. A lot. And then some more. Anytime he actually talks to her, he just oozes gross. He is hot though.

• Andi wrote a tell-all book and apparently bashes Josh in the book. When asked about it, he says, “How do I comment on that? It’s fictional.” Umm, here’s how you comment on it: “I feel like Andi didn’t tell the truth in her book and that hurts.” Not that hard, right?

• Dick producers now give Evan the date card because they know he likes Carly and they know Carly doesn’t like him. She’s kind of funny but it quickly turns pretty bitchy.

• The longest, hottest world record kiss between them is so fucking disgusting I want to vomit. She actually does.

• Josh moans when he kisses. That is a massive deal breaker. No no no.

OK That’s all for now. But don’t worry, it’s on again TONIGHT. Jesus.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise Premiere Thoughts

YOU GUYS. This shit is amazing. This is what the whole franchise should be about. Just the worst of the worst, no promises of love, just straight-up drunk assholes. I LOVE IT.

No, I kid, I kid. I mean, sort of. It’s also nice when they show people actually like each other but you cannot deny the entertainment factor of last night. I mean, COME ON. Daniel alone? Chad too, of course, but that’s more obvious. When you get a dude like Daniel, you have to just wonder where he’ll end up in life. Will someone actually marry him? Decent looking guy and I love when he’s the voice of reason, trying to talk Chad down…but then he compares himself to herpes and you just wonder if he knows what he’ll sound like?

OK so far we have: Emily and Haley (twins), Nick (again), Jubilee (weird war vet), Evan (erectile dysfunction guy), Chad (no explanation necessary), Lace (crazy, trying to convince herself she’s not crazy anymore. Spoiler alert: She still is), Daniel, Vinny, Izzy (seriously, who?), Carly, Grant, Sarah, and Amanda. I think that’s it. Here are some more thoughts:

• Jubilee realizes she has a resting bitch face and vows to change it. Does she know she also has a moving bitch face? OMG rude, Jen. Sorry, Jubes. I’ll give you another chance…but you do seem a little odd so far.

• Carly is planning to test drive some cars while she’s there. So that doesn’t make her sound whorey at all.

• Daniel says the girls there all look like fruit that has been bruised in transportation and I pray he never leaves this show.

 • Jubes asks Jared out on a date and by the look on his face, I think Jared really would have preferred to stay drunk in that pool all night.

• Lace and Chad hook up, then hit each other a lot, then drink a LOT, then fight a lot, then break up. Chad tries to hit Evan and Daniel and then calls Sara a “one-armed bitch”. Soooo yeaaaah, if that doesn’t clear things up about Chad, I don’t know what does. Guy is an asshole – pretty simple.

• Stranger Izzy and Vinny hook up – he didn’t want to kiss her but she goes for it. She might as well – it’s not like her reputation can be tarnished, as nobody knows who the shit she is.

• Chad is walking around growling and it’s amazing. Oh and Daniel tells him that he’ll “take him down to Chinatown.” I mean, people – this is the best show ever.

• Chad passes out with a crab in his hair and his microphone in his mouth. Then he shits his pants, and I kind of can’t believe the producers aired that part. Again, this show is amazing.

• Picturing Evan on top of me naked makes me shudder in fear. If that feeling wasn’t cemented before, seeing him in those sunglasses nailed that coffin shut.

• Chad gets sent home and he claims it’s because nobody can take a joke. He’s right – SARAH, you should totally laugh that off – where’s your sense of humor? It’s not like you’re missing a leg or torso, it’s JUST an arm.

• If anyone thinks the above bullet is NOT sarcasm, please revisit the rest of my blog until you realize I’m a smart ass 90% of the time.

• Do you think Harrison really went to bed in a rowboat with a mimosa in his hand? That actually sounds kind of nice.

I can’t believe this shit is EVERY Monday and EVERY Tuesday. That’s kind of awesome? I think? I’ll let you know if it’s not awesome in a couple weeks. See you next week!

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

The Bachelorette Finale Thoughts

Three hours? I feel like I was just waterboarded. God that’s inappropriate. Sorry.

But I was excited to see how this shit wrapped up. I was hoping it was Jordan because you could just tell she loved him. Robby was the safe one who would always make her feel safe and loved, but that’s not being in love. Amiright? Jordan might be a dirtbag, but he might not be. Lord knows this show can’t be trusted for editing. And if he is, she’ll be heartbroken and move on, like we all did when we fell in love with the wrong guy. (Band guy, Pretty-sure-you-were-gay guy, I’m talking to you)

Anyhoo, we’re in Thailand to wrap this up. Here are my Thai thoughts:

• JoJo tells her family she’s in love with both guys but she hasn’t said that to them, considering what she went through with Ben. Camera pans to Ben in the audience who is like, “CAN WE FUCKING MOVE PAST THIS POINT ALREADY?”

• JoJo’s family likes Jordan with the exception of JoJo’s sister who clearly hates him. (?)

• Everybody likes to tell Jordan about JoJo’s trust issues with men. If I were JoJo, I’d be all, “Easy on the pointing out my flaws shit, please.”

• When JoJo’s mom sits with Robby, she says, “I don’t want her broken heart to be a discussion at our dinner table anymore.” I know what she means but that’s kind of a dick way to say it, no? Maybe a simple, “I don’t want to see her hurt again” would have sufficed? Ahhh, I’ll blame it on the face filler. I don’t know what that means.

• JoJo’s dad cries when Robby asks for her hand in marriage. JoJo cries. JoJo’s sister cries (?), Jen cries. DAMMIT.

• On their last date, JoJo tells Robby, “It’s overwhelming how much I trust you.” She then adds, “I trust the shit out of you. My trust for you makes me so hot.” See what I mean, people? Has to be more than trust. Sure that’s important but let’s START with love, mmmkay?

• Robby leaves her for the last time and says, “I want her to know I have no doubts.” Dude I think that’s clear.

• In a Thai cave, when he can’t escape, JoJo asks Jordan why he didn’t ask for her parent’s blessing to marry her. He explains that it didn’t feel right, considering ANOTHER FUCKING GUY is planning to propose the same day. What doesn’t she get about that? I’m with Jordan on this one.

 no reason.

• Neil Lane is in Thailand! Wearing a shit ton of clothing in that humidity. Whoa.

• They both write her letters and she reads them and I am fucking crying like a goddamn baby. Hold it together, Jen! My god. But please, this shit is sad!

• Robby gets out of the limo first, despite the producers attempt to fool us because this guy is wearing socks when we all clearly saw Robby put on his shoes without socks. I fell for it.

• He walks down to her and I’m now hiding under my sofa. Oh shiiiiiiit, this is going to be SAD.

 • Thank god she doesn’t let him propose. He’s in shock when she tells him that her heart is somewhere else. OUCH. She says, “I wanted it to be you”, but she just didn’t love him. The heart wants what the heart wants, people.

• Jordan proposes, she accepts and I’m crying again. I am dangerously dehydrated at this point.

• I can’t bullet point After the Final Rose because it’s an hour of stupidness. In a nutshell: Robby still sad but extra fancy looking today. Tabloids have been tough on JoJo and Jordan but their love got them through it. He’s moving to Dallas next week and the Bachelor producers are sending them to Pennsylvania as a gift (?).

Bachelor in Paradise is all I can think about. Let’s get that party started! Thanks for hanging in with me all season! Still love you all.