Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise Finale Thoughts

I was SUPER into this show for awhile and now I’m bored. Speaking of boring, let’s talk about Jen…

• Jen says she needs Nick to open up more. In other words, “I need him to like me more.”

• Lace and Grant are bound to implode.

• Chicken Enthusiast is there? I mean, we are REALLY scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

• Nick asks chicken girl for her date card, because he wants to see if Jen is the one. However, it was just announced that he was chosen to be the Bachelor for next season. So either this is super anticlimactic because we know she’s not the one, or she IS the one and next season’s Bachelor really will be the most dramatic ever.

• Nick and Jen – those lucky ducks! They get the Mexican carnival date! Bet it’s pretty clean there.

• They head to a fortune teller. At the Mexican street fair…because Nick says he wants definitive answers about their future. I’m beginning to question his sanity.

• JEN. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. HE DOESN’T NEED TO OPEN UP. HE’S NOT HOLDING BACK. HE JUST DOESN’T LIKE YOU THAT MUCH. This is not that hard.

• Josh’s eating/kissing/humping moans all sound the same. I bet that’s how he sounds when he’s doing anything remotely physical. Like mowing the lawn. Or pooping.

• Brett decides he doesn’t like Izzy anymore and tells her this. She decides at THAT EXACT MOMENT that she made a mistake by dumping Vinny. Funny how if Brett still liked her, she would NOT have regretted it. Girls are annoying.

• Izzy calls Vinny as she’s leaving and says she chose to leave paradise in hopes of them getting back together. Liar! I love how she makes it sound like she just decided this. When he sees the timing of all of this, he’ll know she’s full of shit, but it sounds like he suspects that anyway.

• Jami says that if Wells gives her a rose, she’d be like, “Thank you Jesus!” To which Jesus would respond with, “Awww you’re so welcome. I have some shit going on in the world this week, but you know what? We all need a break, so I flipped on ABC and it was clear you needed an assist here.”

• Shushanna suspects Wells isn’t going to give her a rose, so she storms off and says, “Why would I be here, I’m an adult!” Holy shit, she’s smart after all.

• Rose ceremony goes as expected except Brett goes home and Wells oddly decides to give Ashley a rose?

• Harrison brings everyone together and tells them to go away and talk. Uh yeeeeah, I think that’s probably what they’d do anyway? I’d be all, “We WERE talking and you just made me march up eight flights of stairs to your stupid palapa to tell me to go talk? Annoying. Now I’m sweaty. So is Josh.”

• The next morning, Wells dumps Ashley. Soooo, why didn’t he just do that last night?

• Harrison calls them all back to the Pressure Palapa and says, “Do you want kids? Do you want to be together forever? BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING WORSE THAN AN EMPTY PROMISE.” Jesus, Chris. Easy. None of them will last anyway.

• Could Lace’s shorts be any higher?

• NO NO NO NO NO You SHOULD NOT get matching tattoos. NO NO NO. These people are completely stupid. Also, shouldn’t a tattoo be covered with ointment of some kind and a bandage? It’s like fleshy and bloody. Ahhh, Mexico.

• Nick and Jen’s date consists of some stand-up paddle boarding, which is mostly not standing. I can’t talk about these two anymore. He doesn’t like her. It’s so obvious. Plus the producers got to him last night and offered him the Bachelor job if he dumped Jen.

• Carly and Evan get naked and paint. With another chubby lady. Then they try to wash it off in the shower together at the same time. Which seems like…just when they get some off, they rub it back on each other. This seems like a highly ineffective way to get clean. Also, I just can’t get over his facial hair.

• Josh and Amanda play soccer with kids, and by that I mean, Josh plays soccer. It seems as if Amanda doesn’t have an athletic bone in her body. Also, she always gets the dates with random kids from other countries involved. Just because she’s a mom. If they pulled that shit on me, I’d be all, “Yo, just because I HAVE kids doesn’t mean I like OTHER kids. Plus this is mama’s vacation. Can I have the yacht date please?”

• OK That’s enough for Monday’s episode. There were lots of “I love you’s” exchanged. And Lace looks totally stoned. That is all.

Tuesday Thoughts

• Everyone wakes up in robes. I can’t get over the feeling of what it must be like to make out with Evan’s face.

• OMG is there NOBODY in Mexico qualified to repair Lace’s eyelashes? That shit is shameful.

• Amanda wakes up wearing a full face of makeup. If I went to bed with that much makeup on my face, I’d look like a wet, deranged clown when I woke up…which can only mean that she got up and put that shit on before sunrise which is totes unacceptable.

• Amanda comments that waking up in a fancy hotel is totally different than at home with kids. She says she normally sleeps all night with one kid and the other wakes them up. Josh laughs uncomfortably and says, “SO WHAT TIME DOES THAT HAPPEN?” Oh Josh, you’re so fucked. I have two eight year olds and still don’t goddamn sleep.

• Neil Lane in the houuuuuse!

• How is Josh, in a white t-shirt, sweating 100 times more than Neil Lane in a wool suit?

• Evan and Carly go first – he proposes, she accepts and for some inexplicable reason, I’m fucking crying.

• Lace and Grant. Jesus THESE two. I mean, honestly. That’s all I got. Good lord.

• No wait, I got more. Lace says to the camera, “If Grant doesn’t propose I’ll be heartbroken.” Really? So if he says, “I love you so much and want to be with you. I can’t propose because it’s been three goddamn weeks and let’s face it, that is fucking stupid, but let’s leave paradise together, move in with me and keep moving forward.” She’s say, “AHHHH I’m HEARTBROKEN!” These people, I tell ya.

• Ocean is loud, yo.

• Grant does propose. She accepts. It’s cute. A little crazy. But cute. Mostly crazy though.

• Nick dumps Jen, duh. He cries a LOT, which I can’t decide – it’s either incredibly cute or complete bullshit. But I’m crying, because, well, I’m ridiculous.

• Jen leaves and cries. Then Nick leaves. What if they run into each other at the airport?

• Why does Nick’s facial hair look sexy and Evan’s looks molester-like?

• Amanda accepts Josh’s proposal, despite his sweat.

Well that’s ALL peeps! I can’t believe it’s over until January! Keep in touch, will ya? And thanks for putting up with my short, and always late, posts. Love you all!