Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Sad Update!

First of all, THIS:


Second of all, I have bad news. I’m retiring. And by “retiring”, I mean I won’t be posting recaps/thoughts for a little while, but I’m sure I’ll be one of those people who says she’s retiring but then decides to come out of retirement because she hates being retired and everyone is like “what the fuck I thought she retired.”

I watched Monday’s show and took notes and have been staring at them ever since. I have nothing new to say! It’s just the same shit and I have the same jokes. Last week, some bitch commented on my post that it was terrible and I’ve given up. Yes, super rude, but also true. I’m certainly not quitting because of some chick who throws out insults to people she doesn’t know online, but she wasn’t all wrong either. My thoughts aren’t that funny anymore. I’ve been doing this a long ass time and I honestly think if I walk away for awhile, I might come back better, funnier and happier.

Plus there’s a lot of real life craziness going on – not bad stuff, but just stuff that makes it really hard to dedicate any amount of time to this blog and I don’t want to keep churning out shit, just so I keep the blog going. You get me?

I can’t tell you how happy your comments and witty banter on Facebook have made me, over the years. I truly love my readers and it’s 100% why I’ve continued to do it the last year or so. You’re all (uh mostly) so kind to me and I love the e-friendships I’ve developed with my loyal followers, especially the guy who buys me Mexican food every year on my birthday. And the ladies who printed up my face and brought me to their Bachelorette finale viewing party one year so we could watch it “together”. And the random people who recognize me at weddings and shit and take selfies with me. And all the people who send me Bachelor contestant sightings. You’re all my kind of people and I love you. And I’m sorry!

I’m sure I’ll be back – maybe not full force but I know I’ll watch this crap no matter what and I may not be able to help myself from commenting on some of it, somehow, somewhere.

Thanks again for your loyalty over the years – you’re such fun people. I wish we were all friends and lived in the same town and could all get drunk together at my house while watching the show. Goodbye for now!

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

The Bachelorette - My thoughts. On Copper's toe.

You guys. Her dog DOES have three legs! OK not really, but it looks like it. Just FYI - I Googled it – apparently he broke his toe. Dogs have toes?

Thoughts:

• Group date one is for: Dean, Jack, John, and some other guys. Wow, those are white names. Like, really white.

• The first group date is a barbecue and then an insanely stupid competition with a fake baby and plastic food. Oh and Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. Apparently the rules are quite soft, as everybody cheats. A real baby would’ve died in any of those Bjorns.

So I just stand here and pretend I'm barbecuing, right? 


• The after-party is at a warehouse filled with shitty old neon signs. Where did the budget go this season?

• Rachel tells us she’s not getting the romance out of this date. I wonder why? Could it be the tickle monster talking about how to wipe a baby’s asshole, Blake’s hairy chest and dog tag, or obnoxious dude who recites poems?

 The chest/necklace combo? That's the shit nightmares are made of.


• I like Dean. I am unsure if I want him having an orgasm on top of me, but I like him nonetheless.

• Kenny does NOT seem like a professional wrestler. Whaboom does.

• Peter gets the one-on-one date and it certainly comes close to the top of the “worst date of all time” list. Barkfest? I want NO part of that Parvo fest thank you very much.

• Peter and Rachel and Copper head outside to check out some fireworks… like a shitload of fireworks. Hasn’t poor Copper been through enough? With his oversized cast for his dog toe and now these loud ass fireworks. Way to mentally damage the poor dog, Producers.

• Group date two is for: Diggy, Demario, Josiah and some other guys. Wow, those are NOT white names. Like, really not white.

• DeMario’s ex-girlfriend is a smidge on the dirty side, let’s be honest here.

• Josiah definitely moans a lot during sex.


OK That’s it for me, peeps. I’m going to take the furry terrorist out to crap since my carpets have had enough.

My new pup. 

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

The Bachelorette – So there’s an Iggy AND a Diggy?

You guys. I have a new puppy. And a job. And a sick kid. I’m doing my best to get this shit out within 48 hours but it’s not lookin’ good. Some quick thoughts:

• She brought her goddamn dog to Los Angeles? And is he missing a leg?

• Kenny, the wrestler, definitely talks slow and gross when making love.

I mean, how could you NOT want to date him?


• I’m going to guess that approximately 85% of these guys are gay. Refer to photo above for exhibit #1.

• Whaboom? Seriously, what’s happening with him? I like a funny guy but that shit is exhausting.

• Blake talks a LOT about sex. And how he’s gotten better at it. And his penis. Which basically means he’s really gay, has a small penis and can’t figure out how to hump without being gross and poundy.

• Limo introductions were all ridiculous of course and I zoned out for much of it. The highlight was Whaboom telling her one of his testicles was bigger than the other. Also, I really wanted Kenny the Wrestler to body slam her.

• How did that big nerdy dude get nicknamed the Tickle Monster?

• Why is that guy vacuuming? I don’t mind it.

• Adam Junior is another highlight.

• Jamey spelled that way reminds me of gamey. Like the taste of duck.

• Bryan speaks Spanish and tells her that he’s here for something serious. I also get the feeling he will FUCKING KILL YOU if you forget to text him ten times each day.

• Also the way he almost swallows her face when kissing her will now haunt my dreams.

• Rachel says things like “I like where your headspace is at”. I don’t hate her, but there’s something very Un-Jen about her that annoys me.

• “I guess she doesn’t like someone with perfect hair and perfect facial features”. Yup, that’s it. That MUST be why she didn’t choose you. Not for the fact you’re a douche bag for saying those things. It must be because she has bad taste in hair.

• Bryan gets the first impression rose which causes him to chomp at her face more. Good god, stop! It’s actually scary to watch. What if she suffocates in there?

• I’m not listing all these people who get roses at the rose ceremony. All the black guys look the same and all the white guys look the same. There was one Asian dude in the mix and one Indian dude but they both got the boot.

• Milton didn’t get a rose and comments that he’s sad because he had a bunch of new outfits he wanted to show off. Please refer back to bullet point three above.

See you next week if my puppy terrorist doesn’t suck the life out of me by then.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

The Bachelor – Finale Thoughts

It looks really cold in Finland. I recognize this isn’t a groundbreaking comment but after 400 years of blogging, I might be out of shit to say. Here are some thoughts:

• Nick’s Dad, Chris, is talking about the entire Bachelor experience with Nick and says, “At times, going through this was excruciating.” Fuck, I HEAR you on that one, Chris.

• Vanessa is chatting with Nick’s mom and asks her if it’s normal that she doesn’t feel 100% ready to get engaged. I can answer that. Yes, it’s totally normal not to feel 100% ready to get engaged when you’ve been dating a guy for three weeks and he humped someone else LAST NIGHT. However, it is NOT normal to tell your almost-fiancé’s mom that you’re not sure you want to marry her son. Your honesty isn’t going to win you points here. Look, if you want to win this show, you should never be honest. You suck it up and pretend to be something you’re not and pretend you’re OK with this fucked up premise and lie. THEN you’ll win and you can dump out all your crazy once you’ve landed your man. Got it?

• Vanessa asks Nick’s dad if love is enough to make a marriage last. God, I hate her right now. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK? Honestly, did you honestly expect him to say, “YUP! Nothing else matters. Not a goddamn thing. Just love.”

• Once dad breaks it to Vanessa that no, dipshit, love is not enough, she starts crying her eyes out. “WHAT?!? I HAVE TO COMPROMISE??! What about Sunday brunch? Fuck this, ‘Nessa OUT.”

• Sigourney Weaver sister wants to know if Nick is concerned his love won’t be reciprocated. He replies, “You HAVE seen my past on this franchise, right?”

• Last date with Vanessa oddly consists of horseback riding (“this is so pretty”, “this is so fun”, “this is really pretty”, “wow, this is pretty), a visit with Santa who may or may not actually be a pedophile, and then a bunch of fighting while sitting on a log. I zone out totally and didn’t hear a second of this. I am SO TIRED of talking about feelings and fears.

• I like it when Vanessa says to the camera that her not knowing if she’s the one yet, makes it less romantic. YOU THINK? That’s like saying when it rains, it’s wet outside. But really, it’s not as romantic when your soon-to-be fiancé still can’t decide if he’ll propose to you or someone else the next day? Weird!

• Ice skating with Raven. I HATE that “kiss me” song. So they have fun together, but this is when I realize he ain’t picking her. They play up their relationship as so easy and playful. They never have to talk about journeys and fears. They just hang out. When it’s so obvious she’s the better play for him, that’s when you know he actually picks the other one. 
 
Is that a massive dead reindeer they’re sitting on? 


• Raven and Nick are sitting on the couch and she’s not bitching and crying and demanding answers. She says to him, “I’m ready and I love you.” Man, how can he not look at her and think, “Fuck this is so much easier than my alternative.”

• Raven is overly confident. Maybe it’s the orgasm she finally had last week, but she says things like, “The next time I see him he’ll be my fiancé instead of my boyfriend.” Eeeeek.

• NEIL LANE! In FINLAND! He’s all, “It’s cold as shit in Finland.” Also, Neil forgot his jacket so he’s frozen solid, but whatever.

• He pulls out some rings for Nick to check out and says, “Now this one is the biggest ring I’ve ever done.” PICK THAT ONE. Duh. I mean, Nick, come on.

• Neil tries to sell Nick on another ring by calling it “classical”. Nick responds with, “Not classic?” Neil says, “No way. This one is classical.”

• Nick is proposing in the same room where my kids sat on Santa’s lap last Christmas.

• Raven arrives first…the kiss of death. He tells her he loved so much about her, but he’s not in love with her. His heart is somewhere else. She replies with, “I hope it’s in Canada, you dick, because if it’s not, that shit is doomed. Good luck, captain jerk off.” She didn’t say that.

• I cry for Raven and I hate myself for it. He then proposes to Vanessa, but I feel like she’s less crazy here so I’m beginning to like her again. But I won’t like her again in 8 minutes on the After the Final Rose special.

• After the Final Rose: Some Hollywood makeup lady got her fucking hands all over Raven’s face and I’m all, “Where’s my Raven?! Who is this skank?”

• Raven is going to Bachelor in Paradise, where her odds are actually much better.

• Vanessa and Nick are doomed. I never want the final couple to be doomed but these two are. They don’t look happy, especially Nick. She’s all over his ass, guaranteed. I’m shocked to learn she’s heading to America but still, I fear this relationship will suck the life out of both of them.

• I can’t tell if they’ve been fighting a lot or is it just because fucking Chris Harrison asks them no less than 10 times if they’ve been fighting a lot.

• Rachel appears to be on the show for no reason. We just talked to her at the Women Tell All Special. The girl talks like she’s running for office by the way – so politically correct. Anyhoo, we soon realize she’s there so the producers can fuck with her by introducing her to four dudes from her season NOW.

• First guy is black and named Demario. He bought her Vegas plane tickets. Second guy is white, named Blake and told her she smelled good. But this franchise isn’t racist at all.

• Smitty did some crank before the special. Whoa. Host boy is hyped up!

• Dean (white) tells Rachel he’s ready to go black and he’s never going back. Still not racist show.

OK people, it’s all done for now. Rachel’s season starts in May sometime (I think), and Bachelor in Paradise is later this summer. Thanks so much for reading and sticking with me! I love you guys!

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Ten Thoughts

I think it’s funny that they couldn’t squeeze out enough content from the fantasy suite dates to fill two hours so they made the bitches fight for two hours instead. I could seriously do without the Tell All specials. They’re so stupid. As stupid as Josephine’s lipstick. Anyhoo, some thoughts:

 • I’m willing to bet money Raven didn’t have an orgasm.

• Rachel and Nick combined make the world’s worst cross-country skiing team.

• Stop talking about fears and being closed off. Next to “journey”, talking about “fear” is the second most popular discussion on this show. Third is “herpes”. Fourth is “anal doesn’t count as real sex so it’s ok, come on.” That one was just a guess.

• Rachel and Nick’s “sleigh ride” was definitely not as romantic as it looked. Guaranteed it was bumpy and jerky and smelled like reindeer shit.

 Weeeeeee!


• This ice bath, sauna torture sounds horrendous. Why would that be fun? I would’ve done that shit once and then said, I’m out, hot tub please.

 • Of COURSE, dunking in an ice bath turns into a platform to discuss this: If they can get though THAT, they can get through anything together. Makes total sense. Sharing a difficult four-second ice bath is a lot like being diagnosed with cancer or peeing yourself a lot after having kids or screaming at each other that you KNOW you don’t NEED Botox, but you are certain it would help. Wait, what?

• Nick says, “I want to be with someone who I can face things with.” That’s weird to want that. I’m sure NOBODY else in the fucking universe wants that. Nah, not me. I like to face shit alone. That’s right. Don’t bug me with your support and love and hugs. Fuck that.

• Conversation between Nick and Vanessa in the hot tub: “Your family is traditional.” WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?” “Easy, they’re traditional”. “No really, I’m super defensive you and have to tell me right fucking now what you mean.” “They’re traditional.” “Oh ok then.”

• We all love our families, but Vanessa needs to chill the fuck out and tell Nick he’ll be important too. She’s never leaving Montreal and if she does she’ll hate Nick for it. Not gonna work.

• Nick, “I’m proud to be an American.” Vanessa, “YEAH WELL I’M PROUD TO BE CANADIAN GOD DAMMIT.” Nick: “I know, I didn’t say you weren’t, but you asked me.” THIS is the first real time I can see that Nick is bugged by Vanessa’s defensive shit. I’m all about being a strong female or whatever, but you gotta give a little and chill the fuck out.

• I must be cranky, this post is riddled with f-bombs, my god.

• Rachel goes home, finally. I like her, I just mean we knew it was happening so it’s about time.

• Women Tell All for two hours was the worst part of 2017 so far. These bitching women are so annoying. SHUT UP.

• Someone forgot to teach Josephine the art of subtlety and being understated. She’s all, “CHECK OUT MY FACE AND SHIT!”

• Liz needs therapy.

• Corinne is going to regret this show if she ever needs to apply for a real job, but besides that, I might actually think she’s one of the more normal people up there.

• I don’t get why we’re bagging on the nap so much. They’re up all night half the time and those dates last for 12 hours. Hell yes, I’d nap.

• Taylor doesn’t like being shamed for being a counselor. I’m not shaming that. I am shaming your general smugness.

• I hope Kristina finds a husband.

• Danielle L. is trying to ask Nick why he dumped her and is croaking like a frog. She wonders why they had to go on a two-on-one date if he was just going to dump her. He replies, “Well, if I just dumped everyone I didn’t like right away, that wouldn’t make for a good show, so they sort of make me take women out and delete them more slowly. You have SEEN the show, right?” He didn’t say that.

• Dominique asks him why he rejected the qualities he wanted in someone. He replies, “I just didn’t like you.” He didn’t say that.

• Rachel is the new bachelorette and comes out on stage, surprisingly fully clothed. She said she’s honored to represent African American women in this position. Does she realize she’s not like, first lady, right?

OK Finally, finally the ending is in sight. Next Monday finale and After the Final Rose so another three hour marathon, people. Hang in there.

Monday, February 27, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Nine Thoughts

YOU GUYS. It ended after 60 minutes! It was amazing! The night hadn’t dragged on for 4000 fucking minutes and I didn’t want to pull my eyes out yet. Why can’t it always be one hour? And then Harrison dick punches us all by telling us next week is three goddamn hours? I mean, that is sadistic shit.

OK Thoughts:

• Andi segment is ridiculous. Awkward city when she walks in, followed by sex talk (“bang away, good sir”, she says), and almost-flirting. Gross.

• Rose ceremony takeaways: Raven is sparkly, Vanessa’s boob is ready to jump out and say bonjour, and Corinne’s platinum vagine is given the big boot.

• Corinne wins points in my book for two reasons: 1) She doesn’t demand answers from Nick as to why she was deleted (He just doesn’t like you as much. It’s not rocket science, it never is). And 2) She says she won’t ever kiss a man’s ass again. Good for you, girlfriend. I mean, you totally will, but it’s good to have goals. Also, you didn’t really kiss Nick’s ass – you threw your ass ON him. Is that what you meant?

• They go to Finland. It’s the Northest Nick has ever been, just FYI.

• Raven and Nick take a helicopter ride and then head to a pub to play darts. She says, “I feel like this could be an every day kind of thing if we were together.” Why do they ALWAYS say this? You are jobless, in Finland for fucks’ sake, and about to have sex with a new dude for 14 hours straight in a glass hut under the Northern Lights. Nothing about this situation is everyday. Except for the 14 hours of sex – just ask my husband.

• That was a joke.

• When the local guys are talking to Raven and Nick about playing darts with them, I keep wanting to say “Big Summer Blowout, ya!” Then I remember Frozen was in Norway, not Finland.

• Don’t tell America you haven’t had an orgasm before. Just don’t. Tell Nick when the cameras leave that night. Or just fake one and don’t deal with it.

• Raven says her cheating ex couldn’t give her an orgasm, so she deduces that you must have to trust whoever you’re having sex with to orgasm. My college self vehemently disagrees with this statement. College Jen might even lobby for the opposite statement – distrust and lying dirtbags sometimes makes the best sex. Actually, that’s just something I’ve, ummm, heard.

• Nick’s turtleneck is very… turtlenecky.

• Raven tells us she’s only been “sexually active” with one man. I wonder how many she’s been sexually inactive with? I’ve been sexually inactive with a lot of dudes. It’s so much easier.

OK I’m going to go to sleep and try to save up my energy for next Monday’s marathon.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Eight Thoughts

Hi people. So…confession: I actually watched the Bachelor while I was in Cabo last week. But I was so hammered that I wasn’t even able to find my computer. I certainly wouldn’t have been able to write coherently. WAIT! I should’ve done a drunken video thought-dump! Damn!

So last week, he cut it down to four: Rachel, Corinne, Raven and Vanessa. They also just announced Rachel as the new Bachelorette, so it’s really down to three. And nobody in their right fucking mind would marry Corinne, so its between Raven and Vanessa. I mean…right? Don’t tell me. I don’t read spoilers. Anyhoo, some thoughts:

• As he gives Corinne her rose, he tells her that he’s excited to meet Raquel. Then he adds, “Because no way that shit is real.”

• Wow, Hoxie, Arkansas. I would’ve paid money to see the look on Nick’s face when he walked out of the airport.

• So riding the ATVs in the mud actually looks super fun. Like, to do once or twice, ever. Not every Friday night, followed by humping my boyfriend on top of a grain bin.

 OMG SNAKES... ARE YOU SHITHEADS CRAZY?

 GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF, there are leeches crawling into your vagine. 


• Raven’s family is sweet and lovable and huggy and I love them. Plus I like it when the entire family keeps telling Nick how they thought they’d hate him.

• Rachel takes Nick to church and I want to punch her now. I don’t know why. I just do. There’s no room in the entire planet that Nick belongs in LESS than that one.

• Rachel’s sister married a whitey too. And in an ironic twist, he is forced to do this:

WTF? I’m all for chivalry but get your own ass up. 


 • Does Corinne think spending asshole amounts of money while shopping will make Nick want to be with her? I don’t get it.

• When Nick meets Corinne’s family, he hugs Raquel and I actually hear her whisper, “Ohhh thank you nobody has ever hugged me before. Please get me out of here.”

• Dad scares me a bit. I would not want to piss him off. Plus he’s a drinker, no?

This is totally how I relax on my bed with my DAD.


• At the end of the night, Dad says to the camera, “She’s the lid to Nick’s pot.” Well now THERE’S an analogy I can honestly say I’ve never heard before.

• Vanessa is clearly the hottest and most normal chick there. However, there are glimpses of freaky control shit going on. Like how she demands that Nick go over Italian words and what to say when he walks in the door, etc. I can’t shake this feeling, you guys. Something ain’t right. Call it my Bachelor gift. God, that’s pathetic.

• Things did not go well with Vanessa’s mom. Things also apparently did not go well for Vanessa’s sister in the tanning booth. Whoa.

• Why is THIS the only hometown date where people are talking about their future plans? Sure as fuck NO way Nick is staying in Hoxie, Arkansas.

• Everyone in this family has Vanessa on a giant pedestal and no man will live up to their standards. Of course, it’s NICK, we’re talking about – the reality TV dude, so they might have a point. I’ll shut up now.

• Vanessa’s Dad is terrifying.

• Vanessa’s Dad also totally calls out Nick on the fact that he’s asked FOUR dads for permission to marry their daughters. I mean he has a point. It’s actually a super rational and normal concern. Granted, he doesn’t need to be so fucking scary about it.

• Later on, Vanessa’s Dad tells Vanessa that Nick asked for his permission to marry her but that he also did for all the other chicks too. Vanessa says this makes it less meaningful and they need to reevaluate everything. You HAVE seen this show, no?

• Good ‘ol Andy is there. They might hump. We will see.

See you next week!

Thursday, February 9, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Six Thoughts

Holy crap! It was a Bachelor blood bath, you guys! We cut this shit in half! We started this episode with 12 chicks and ended the show with 6? That is MY kind of episode. OK here are my thoughts. And yeah, sorry this is two days late. I was in Vegas. Oh shit and next week I’m in Cabo! So no thoughts next week. I’m there all week with shit Mexican Internet so I think I have to just skip that one. Sooooorry.

• Taylor whines to Nick. He claims she “just wanted to express herself.” Yeah? Well I just want to express myself too. Here I go. Taylor, shut the fuck up.

• Corinne says to the camera, “Cats have nine lives and bitches have two.” Ummm, is it just me or does this not make fucking sense? Is she the cat in this scenario? Or is this something 20-somethings say and I don’t get it because I’m 40?


Rose Ceremony 

Corinne, Rachel and Danielle (the blond one) all have roses already. The rest go to:

Kristina – Russian manicurist.
Raven – Fatal Attraction Raven. But oddly, like, the smartest one.
Vanessa – Super cute, seemingly normal. Wants no part of this show.
Danielle – the non-blond one. Is super empty inside. But very hot.
Jasmine – This bitch is crazy, yo.
Whitney – Week six and still no clue.

Therefore, Josephine, Alexis and Jaimi are sent home. Those were three long overdue departures. I liked Alexis actually, but you know. She was a shark and crazy, so she was doomed.

 • In St. Thomas, Kristina gets the first one-on-one mostly because he can’t give every one-on-one to Vanessa or Corinne’s vagina.

• I want to kill myself when Kristina tells her story and I want to go to Russia and adopt everyone. Ugh.

• Back at the hotel, Corinne has forced a maid to bring her food and shit. She claims Raquel will be jealous. I think…not. Raquel is in fucking hog heaven right now, sitting on her ass and praying Nick chooses her, so her cheese pasta making days are over.

• Jasmine is freaking out for the 15th time this hour.

• Group date is for Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle (blond), and now-crazy-as-fuck Jasmine. This date goes down in FLAMES. You mix these chicks with one dude, lots of alcohol, too much sun and then physical activity and it’s the perfect storm of misery. EVERYONE cries. I’m not entirely sure why and neither are they. Volleyball put them over the edge.

• Also, Vanessa is lucky she didn’t lose an entire goddamn ear when she decided to play volleyball with those flailing drunk people and massive hoop earrings.

• After-party: Everyone is still pissed but Jasmine has reached an entirely new level of embarrassing and insane. I’m ALMOST under my couch when she is talking to Nick alone. But I was totally enjoying Nick’s face stare at her with Oh-man-I-can’t-stand-her-eyes.

• So yeah, Jasmine is horrendous and props to Nick for sending her shit home on the spot. Public Service Message to Future Contestants: If the bachelor isn’t giving you alone time or reassurance, it’s probably because he doesn’t like you. This isn’t rocket science, people.

• Two-on-one date is unbelievably boring. Props to the producers for realizing how insanely snooze-worthy that was and editing it down to five minutes…which were still unbearable.

• He rubs Whitney’s thighs for a bit and then says, “I’m sorry, what’s your name again? Whitney, right, right…and you’ve really been here the whole time? Huh, who knew.”

• He sends Whitney home, which was a no brainer. Then he later sends Danielle home, which is kiiiind of horrifying for her, as she thought she had it in the bag after Whitney got the boot. I could tell she was about to get the boot because he wasn’t chomping on her face like he does Corinne during the fake dinners.

• Also, I’m just glad there’s only one Danielle now.

• We end the show with Nick crying. He goes into the girls’ hotel room and tells them he’s not sure any of this is working and then leaves. So that was weird? Did they need to know that? Here’s my two cents on Nick’s breakdown: People are saying he’s fucked in the head and not ready for this even though he’s been through this three times. They’re saying he’s messed up and isn’t ready to love anyone. Here’s what I think: Let’s not overthink this, people. He’s 36 and somewhat normal. He’s fine and capable of falling in love. Most people are. He just doesn’t like many (any) of these chicks. Boom. Frase mic drop.

OK I’m kidding. He’ll like one enough to propose to at the end, I’m sure. Whether that lasts, we’ll see. I mean, it won’t last but I’m trying to be optimistic. OK Down to 6! Oh shit, sorry again about Cabo. I’ll see you in two weeks! Thanks for reading, guys!

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

The Bachelor - Week Five Thoughts

Corinne is annoying as fuck, yes, but can you even imagine how boring this season would be without her? Snooze-city, whoa. My thoughts:

• Taylor and Corinne are still fighting and I hate them both. Corinne is 12, skanky and crazy and Taylor is a smug 24 year-old who thinks she’s always right. In this case, she is, but for some reason it’s still annoying.

• Corinne tells Nick that Taylor sucks and he could NOT CARE LESS. He’s all, “Awww, I’m sorry (suck suck suck sluuuuurp).”


Rose Ceremony 

Kristina, Raven and Danielle already have roses. The others go to:

• Whitney – for real, who the fuck is this?
• Danielle – the blond, sweet, totally asexual one
• Jasmine – dancer, one of two black chicks left. Doesn’t stand a chance.
• Rachel – other black gal who stands a chance. But not really.
• Jaimi – lesbian with balls in her nose
• Josephine – extension mishap. I have a better chance of marrying Nick.
• Vanessa – Hot, normal. She should end up with Nick but will probably dump him because she’ll be the ONE chick in the history of this show who isn’t actually OK with the fact he bangs another girl the night before he proposes to her.
• Alexis – shark girl. I like her but Nick is just keeping her around for kicks.
• Corinne – Train.wreck.
• Taylor – Corinne nemesis.

 Astrid so tired... actually they all were. My god, let them sleep.



Therefore, Astrid and Sarah are sent home. Sarah cries and just wants to find love, blah blah blah. Let’s move on. More thoughts.

• They head to New Orleans and Nick says, “I can’t imagine a more perfect place to fall in love.” Ummm, I could. People love New Orleans but I woke up there once and there was vomit outside my hotel room door. And everything smelled like jambalaya. I’ll take Fiji or the Caribbean thank you very much.

• Rachel gets the one-on-one date and her downing an oyster and then gagging on it certainly was not attractive.

• There is a LOT of eating on this date. Which is awesome, so maybe I change my mind about New Orleans. Can I get beignets in Fiji?

 This how I look eating a Starbucks croissant 


 • They head to dinner at what is possibly the scariest fucking place on the planet.

• He gives her the rose and they kiss a lot. The end.

• Group date…you guys…is SO DUMB. They head to a fake haunted house. Or maybe it’s haunted, but the producers decide to make it fake-haunted and it’s ridiculous.

• Mae’s doll? That shit will haunt me until the end of time.

• Vanessa takes a stand and refuses to play Ouija. What a wet blanket.

• The chandelier falls, chairs get pulled around and the paintings have moving eyes. It would be scarier if my 8 year-old were walking around with a sheet over her head. I mean, come on.

• Nick and Danielle make out on the bench, but not totally because he wants to. It hits me that the problem with this chick is that she’s asexual. Like a starfish. Or a snail. Or a slug. Wait did I make that up? You get my drift. She’s pretty but no matter what, you don’t want to stick it in her. It’s weird.

• Two-on-one date on the bayou. Guess how I would feel about hanging out on a bayou? I’ll give you a hint. My three least favorite things on the planet are snakes, dirt and singing.

• That dude jumping in the back of their boat like a fucking hippo made me laugh out loud.

• Corinne tells Nick there’s something going on between her and Taylor. Nick says, “I know, the producers told me. And guess what? I don’t give a fuck. I don’t like her, so she’s gone after today. I don’t really like you either, but you’re hot, so you can stick around for awhile, but don’t get your hopes up sister.”

• Taylor is confident she’ll get the rose because Nick is “smart and observant”. Well, that might be true, but it doesn’t change the fact he’s just not that into you and he wants to stick it in Corinne. How many times have I used the term “stick it in” in this post? Gross, Jen.

• Nick gives Corinne the rose and they head to dinner alone. Taylor gets some voodoo shit poured on her and then heads to dinner to confront Nick. I never understand this tactic. She’ll just tell Nick what an asshole Corinne is. To which Nick SHOULD reply, “Yeah, maybe, but I don’t like you either way, mmmkay?”

That’s that, peeps. See you next week!

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Four Thoughts

I know one’s hearing starts to decline after the age of 40, so I’m curious if I’m the only one who can’t understand 92% of what Nick says? Let’s go - my thoughts…

 • Raven says, “Corinne must feel really threatened to just lead with her sexuality every time.” For a woman who makes such horrendous fashion decisions, she is oddly the voice of reason.

 The shirt. I mean...


• Taylor and Sarah wake up Corinne to basically yell at her and tell her she’s annoying. Corinne says to the camera, “You guys, just do you. I’m gonna do me.” For once, I agree with Corinne. You can hate her – that’s fine. But why do you insist on waking her ass up to let her know?

Rose Ceremony 

Vanessa, Rachel and Danielle (not the blondie. The Asian-y one with big ol’ boobies) already have roses. The others go to:

Raven – Voice of reason. Cute. Perhaps crazy, we’ll see.
Taylor – 23-year-old mental health counselor who has actually never counseled but has a shiny new degree legally allowing her to do so even though I doubt her future success in this capacity.
Whitney – Still no clue.
Kristina – Russian mafia.
Jasmine – Sassy black dancer. Code for annoying black dancer.
Alexis – dolphin lover. Seriously love her but seriously has a screw loose.
Astrid – floppy boob girl from track date last week. Also will she accept this rose? “Ruff! Yes I Ru!” That’s Astro from the Jetsons. I can’t say her name without thinking Astro.
Danielle – The other one. The blond one with small eyes. But cute.
Jaimi – balls up her nose. I SWEAR I’M NOT A LESBIAN.
Josephine – Unfortunate extensions. Seems fun. No way in God’s green earth she ends up with Nick.
Sarah – Teacher who likes to yell at Corinne.
Corinne – Disaster all around. She’d be really cute too if she wasn’t such a fucking nightmare.

So Brittany and Christen head home. Christen looks totally stoned when she says goodbye to Nick. It’s like she couldn’t decide if she was going to act mad or hurt and still hadn’t decided by the time she got up to him, so just settled on stoned and neutral.

OK More thoughts:

• Smitty walks in to tell the girls they’re about to start a journey that will take them around the globe. Well, some of you. And you get to start with….WISCONSIN! Wait, what?

• Nick and Danielle (boobie one), have the first one-on-one date and they head to a bakery to make Nickerdoodle cookies, which made me laugh out loud. Although I’m certain having Nick and boobs in the kitchen, with no gloves, making out all over the cookies violates all sorts of health codes.

• They make cookies that look like each other and then put them together to pretend they’re kissing. I really wanted Danielle to throw hers down on a chair and then yell, “Sit on my face, Nick!”

• Her laugh is tough, you guys.

• They run into one of his ex-girlfriends who tries REALLY hard to keep her engagement ring in Nick’s full view.

• They have cocktails at some hotel and I think her nipples might be blurred out. That is some serious cleavage, which looks great, sure, but is bordering on just full-on ABC boob exposure.

• He gives her the rose and walks her into a full stadium of screaming people watching Chris Lane (who?) perform. They dance and make out, marking the second time in a week they are forced to awkwardly dance and kiss in front of a theater of people.

• Group date is for: Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle and Corinne. It’s on a farm which is odd considering Nick has never stepped foot on a farm before. But he had a friend once with a farm, so close enough!

 Jaimi's white nails going to town on that cow's udder = image that will haunt my dreams

• Corinne complains about the shit everywhere, the flies everywhere and having to work hard, sweat and watch Jaimi work a cow udder. For the second time this episode, I agree with her. What an awful date. Where’s my yacht and alcohol? No thanks, manure date.

• They all shower and head to a cocktail party and I realize something. The absolute worst part about being on this show is all the showering. These chicks just got all clean and made up to go on the date. Then fell in poop and smelled like flies and tractors and had to shower all over again. So annoying.

 • Corinne hears the girls talking shit about her. She says, “I THINK some girls have a problem with me.” And claims she’s smart because she figured this out. This isn’t brainpower. This is just having ears.

• Sarah yells at Corinne some more, demanding that she tell her why she thinks she’s ready to marry a 36 year-old dude. To which I reply, “None of your fucking business, SARAH.” I mean, Sarah isn’t wrong, but I really want Corinne to yell at her and tell her she doesn’t have to answer to Sarah’s face.

• I just realized Nick’s sweater on this date makes him look like an old man. Or Mr. Rodgers. Just casually walking around from fake living room to fake living room filled with too much dark leather furniture making out with everyone.

• Kristina gets the rose. I guess Nick wanted to mix things up. I mean, he can’t give every rose to Vanessa, Boobs and Corinne’s vagine.

• One-on-one date with Raven is a close second in shittiest dates ever, behind the farm date. Watching a 10-year-old soccer game when the kid isn’t mine? And then roller skating with 20 of her friends? Where are all these 10 year old’s moms? Chicks like me, who totally know and love the Bachelor? They were probably all drunk in the roller rink party room, staring at Nick. Also, did every single parent of all the kids on both soccer teams have to sign waivers to be on TV? Things a 41 year-old blogger thinks about.

Hold the phone, is this kid INSIDE the machine? That doesn’t seem right. 


• They head to dinner at an awesome museum. They roller skate around it after dinner and I’m CERTAIN the museum didn’t OK that shit.

• Raven tells Nick about the time she walked in on her boyfriend thrusting another woman. Let’s stop here for a moment. Do not EVER use the term “thrust” unless you’re talking about an airplane and the mechanics of lift. Do not EVER use it while discussing intercourse. Also don’t use the term intercourse.

• She beat the shit out of him, which is great because he deserved it, but also slightly terrifying.

• He gives her the rose, mostly because he’s afraid.

• Taylor and Corinne decide to snuggle together under a blanket by the fire to talk about how much they hate each other. The bottom line is this: They’re both YOUNG and kind of asshole-y.

That’s it. I hate it when I don’t get an end-of episode rose ceremony. See you next week!

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

The Bachelor - Week Three Thoughts

For SURE, I’ve never been under my couch as many times as I was during this single episode. I mean, for real.

My thoughts:

• The Liz thing boggles me. They had sex BEFORE he was on the show. He didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t do anything wrong. Why would he be concerned the chicks would be mad? Why would they actually be mad? Jasmine says, “I think some people are still confused by it.” Yeah, like ME. Why are we even talking about this? Raven agrees with me. Nick asks her how she feels about it and she says, “Fine! I feel great about it! As a matter of fact, I LOVE IT. LOOK HOW EASY GOING I AM.”

• First under the couch moment: Corinne and the whipped cream. But I’m even confused when she’s in the bathroom alone. With a trench coat. Is she like a skank detective?

• She creeps downstairs in her detective robe and takes Nick outside and it is BEYOND embarrassing. This isn’t something you do on the driveway on a picnic blanket. She shoots whipped cream into his mouth and then eats some out of it. My god, have we no concern for general hygiene?

 "Isn't this hot, Nick?"

 • Corinne is upset because Nick won’t bang her on the driveway, so she goes to bed. She already has a rose, so this is the only thing she does that I agree with. Why not? That shit goes on until 5am, and I have a rose? Hell, yes, I’m going to bed.


Rose Ceremony 

Danielle, Christen and Corinne already have roses. The rest go to:

Astrid – Will always be the name of the Jetson’s dog. OK that’s Astro, but it’s still what I think of. Also, she’s not going to last long here.
Taylor – She’s YOUNG. And I can’t tell if she’s stunning or odd looking.
Whitney - I think he says Whitney, but he mumbles so I’m not sure. Also who the hell is Whitney?
Kristina – Russian masseuse. OK She’s a hygienist but I think they’re wrong. She’s a masseuse.
Danielle – The Asian one. Oh stop, you were all thinking it. Wait, is she Asian?
Vanessa – Frontrunner. She’s cute, normal and smart. And speaks languages and shit. You know, cultured.
Raven – Bible thumping store owner with a side of sass. She would fuck you up if you pissed her off.
Jaimi – Balls in her nose. Lesbian.
Dominique – Totally being ignored here.
Sarah – She’s a cute little school teacher. Not sure if she can keep up with Nick’s sluttiness.
Alexis – Shark impersonator. Nick calls her name and she says, “Move bitches.” You guys, she’s me.
Brittany – Nope no idea. But I think she’s angry.
Josephine – Bad extension job.
Jasmine – She’s the sassy black dancer.

Therefore, the following three chicks go home: Lacey, Hailey and someone in a yellow dress. You don’t care, don’t worry about it.

More thoughts:

• Back Street Boys group date is for Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine and Corinne. The girls lose their shit when the BSB walk in. Sarah says, “The 12-year old inside me is dying right now.” She’s 26, so this must mean I should say, “The 27 year-old inside me is dying right now!” Why is that depressing as fuck?

• The girls are backup dancers for BSB for one song. I admit, I would’ve loved that shit. Danielle “wins” but somehow gets punished for winning and is forced to 8th-grade-slow dance with Nick on the stage. This is horrifying. I’m under the couch. Again.

• Corinne tells the girls about her nanny. Here’s the thing. She’s just using the wrong word. If she said that Raquel is her “personal assistant”, we’d all think she was super busy and powerful. I’ve known many single girls who have insane careers and hire personal assistants to run errands and shit for them. So the problem here is with Corinne’s stupid brain.

• Also, she can’t dance very well so she says, “This was the worst day of my life.” So now she’s also a horrible person.

• The fucking Zero G plane is absolutely my worst nightmare. The only thing that would make that worse is if there were snakes on it.

 • Vanessa gets the Zero G puke date and…she pukes. Nick says to her, “I think there’s a puke nugget of blueberry muffin stuck in your tooth, here let me get it with my tongue ARGHAGH SLUUUURP.” So fucking gross.

 "Are you puking??? Let me check."

• Second group date is for Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany and Dominique. They have to compete in various track events and I’m concerned none of them have ever been exposed to exercise before.

• Astrid bra = Jen under the couch.

• The final event is a short sprint to grab a giant engagement ring and meet Nick in a temporary hot tub placed on the field. Did you just read that? I want to high five whoever thought of that. Amazing. Astrid gets the ring despite coming in third, and Nick is bummed. Just a hunch. I AM glad she gets a chance to soak her boobs since they must be sore from all the rigorous sloshing around.

• After party: WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH ASTRID’S OUTFIT.

• Dominique’s eyelashes are bananas.

• Jaimi says to Nick, “I just don’t want you to think I was, like, the weird lesbian.” Nick’s eyes get huge and he replies, “NO NO NO, uh, of course I NEVER thought that, nor does ANYONE else, I’m sure. I didn’t think you were a weird lesbian. You just scream normal heterosexual.” Ahhh, calm down, I’m sure she’s a nice person, but she does look a smidge lesbian-ish.

 • He sends Dominique home because instead of getting to know him, she yells at him for not paying attention to her. Great tactic, always. He gives Rachel the rose.

• Nick has a pool party the next day. 17 half-naked horny girls with Nick and lots of alcohol. This can’t end well…(says the producer as he high fives the other producers.)

• Alexis, “This is the worst pool party I’ve ever been to.” I need to hang with this chick.

• Corinne takes Nick into a bounce house so she can mount him and the other ladies are NOT pleased. Vanessa is feeling a bit territorial about Nick now that’s he’s eaten her puke, so she takes him out front to yell at him a bit. She’s got potential but needs to back off. I guess the girls have a point – if he likes Corinne, he’s probably not the type of guy who wants to marry the teacher. But it’s like day two and he’s got a penis so he’s allowed to be ridden in a bounce house.

• Josephine singing after the credits is my last under-the-couch moment of the night. Nick deserves a prize for keeping a straight face during that.

That’s it for this week, peeps! See you soon.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

The Bachelor - Week Two Thoughts

Ugh, I’m tired already. And Corinne needs to take a de-skanking workshop.

My thoughts:

• Rachel got the first impression rose and wants to “continue making great first impressions with him.” Just think about that for a second. Sigh. I hate everyone.

• I love it when Smitty (Chris Harrison’s nickname, no idea why), tries to really bring out the crazy in the chicks by saying things like, “Not everyone will get a date with Nick this week so when you’re with him, you REALLY need to make the most of your time.” I mean, they’re fucking crazy enough, Smitty. They don’t need more encouragement. Corinne, case in point.

• Group Date one is a fake photo shoot with a fake photographer, where each lady sports a different type of wedding dress. Definitely in the top five worst date ideas ever but I’m a huge fan of the photographer, wow.

• Let’s talk about Corinne. She’s a skank. And she’s a skank because she’s insanely insecure so this is the only way she gets dudes to like her. When she feels threatened, she tells the girls she kissed him on night one. Sex is her security blanket. Sexcurity blanket. Security Sexket. I don’t know. Either way, chick needs to read a book or something.

• Photographer, and I quote: “Who’s been naughty in Vegas and needs a little spanky spanky?”

• Corinne talks about stepping up her game. “Stepping up her game”… does she think she’s an Olympic swimmer or something? She’s talking about upping her skank game. Skame?

 Awww, she's fun.


• Corinne wins the date, but the photographer was the judge so come on.

• Raven (gun-toting, bible lovin’, fake store owner), is oddly the voice of reason for this entire episode. There are actually a couple chicks who say things like, “If he likes Corinne and the aggressive type (code for slut-a-licious), then he can’t be interested in a wife, or a girl like me.” But for some reason, I only believe it when Raven says it. The other chicks will say it but the moment Nick pulls them aside to cuddle, they’ll be all, “Mmmm Nick, I love you be my husband.”

• Corinne interrupts everyone to steal Nick multiple times, and pussy Nick says yes every time. Actually he’s not a pussy. His penis is just hungry for some Corinne vagine. Again Corrine, THIS DOESN’T MEAN HE LIKES YOU. Anyhoo, then Taylor interrupts Corinne and she is furious. Skank furious. Skankurious.

• Mic drop moment: Raven says, “If he likes someone who leads with her sexuality then no wonder it’s his 4th time.” BOOM. I bet she marries him.

• One-on-one date with Danielle. She’s clearly super nice, super normal and relatively cute. She will never end up with Nick. Also, this guy almost died on their date:

Dude, MOVE! 


• Back at the skanksion (skank mansion), Liz is dying to tell someone about the fact she’s banged Nick already, because she too is feeling insecure. So she tells Christen. And then they talk about it again and again. And again.

• Back on the date, Nick gives Danielle the rose and says, “This is the easiest decision I’ve made in giving out a rose.” In an unexpected twist, Corinne pops out from under the table and says, “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? WAS IT EASIER THEN WHEN I GOT MINE?! I’m panicking here. QUICK! Touch my vagina!”

• I’m very confused at the fake break ups. Is this a show? Why would that be fun to watch at all? I’m under my couch at home – I can’t IMAGINE how awful that would be to watch in person. Awkward-city whoa.

• Jaimi dated a girl once! I didn’t see that one coming! Oh wait, yes I did.

• Nick pulls Liz aside and sends her shit home. Then panics about telling the other girls. I don’t quite see why? They all banged other dudes (in Jaimi’s case, other girls), before they got on the show. Hell Corinne is banging someone else back at the mansion as we speak. (Her vagine can only go so long without penetration before it starts to atrophy.)

No rose ceremony because they end the show on a fake cliffhanger of Nick telling the girls he’s actually had sex before. So next week, peeps – see you then!

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

The Bachelor - Nick!

You guys. It took me all day to write this. Do I have the energy for another season? I don’t know. But I WILL say this: I’d take Nick rubbing around on top of me naked any day.

This is an exhausting two hours of too many chicks to keep track of, and too many names and fake careers to note. So instead of the full play-by-play, I think I’ll keep this season to my bullet points, mmmkay? As a reminder, I love all my readers so much and want to thank you for reading this crap every season. I don’t want to let anyone down with my shortened format, but mama’s tired.

For the record, I like Nick. I find him super hot for some reason, despite the pube-like hair. I also think he’s funny. If he chooses some ass though, I’m going to hate him again. Aaaaand my thoughts:

• Sean Lowe is annoying, Farmer Chris is hopeless and Ben is PALE.

• Let’s meet the girls…Starting with this one. She’s 31, a lawyer and loves to vacuum.

These are her sorority sisters. In a rented room at the local library. If she’s really a lawyer, there’s no way she’d bring cameras from THE BACHELOR into her office, right? 


• Vanessa is cute. She’s from Canada and speaks French but she’s 100% Italian? Her accent, and clothing choices while working in a school setting, confuse me.

• Josephine is too young. And has one of the most horrendous extension jobs I’ve ever seen.

• Raven likes to go muddin’, shoot guns and worship. Oh boy. She also works in a store of some kind and the Bachelor cameras follow her there. She says, “I want to go over the daily sales goals.” Then she looks at the camera and says, “Is that right? Y’all, I don’t know what a sales goal is? Hush now!” (hush now? I don’t know. It sounded southern in my head)

• Corinne is a 24-year-old asshole with an incredibly severe bladder control problem. That’s the only reason I can come up with to justify the fact she has a nanny? I hate her immediately. Also she no more runs her parent’s business than her fucking nanny does. OH! I forgot to mention her vagine. Yes, she stole my word and I'm pissed about it. But let's discuss her platinum vagina. Platinum? So it smells like metal and silver cleaner.

• Clearly there is something wrong with Alexis, the shark/dolphin girl, but I sort of love her. We’ll never figure her out, I’m sure, because they’ll edit the shit out of her, but she was cracking me up with the dolphin costume ALL NIGHT LONG. That was the best part – she hung with it. And drank in it:


• Danielle, the neonatal intensive care nurse, is far, far too normal (and boring). She’ll make it far but won’t win.

• Speaking of not winning, I mean honestly, what are the odds that testicles-in-her-nose lesbian marries Nick? I meancomeon.

• Liz didn’t have sex with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Wait, let me rephrase that. She definitely had sex with him, but she never says that to the camera. It’s totally dubbed in. They never actually show her face when she says it. Doesn’t change the fact they humped, but it bugs me when the producers are so super asshole-y.

Liz and Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. But WHAT is happening with girlfriend on the left? 


• Danielle and her boobs are the first out of the limo. I mean, girlfriend. I get it – you’re hot and you have nice boobies, but isn’t there SOMETHING to be said for not having to show it all? OH MY GOD I’M 41 AND I AM MY MOTHER.

• I really really really really wanted Nick to drop the trust fall girl.

• Jasmine (one of them) brought Neil Lane, who is obviously stoked at the fact he gets more airtime this season. Wait, no he’s not.

• Jaimi pulls balls out of her nose. Let me repeat that – she pulls BALLS OUT OF HER NOSE. And tells Nick she’s sweaty. I mean, how could you NOT be attracted to her?


Briana the nurse: “Hahahahhahahahahaha I’ve never actually used one of these before hahahaahahaaaaaaa.” 


• Lots of black ladies. Or half black ones, anyway, so nice try on the diversity, ABC.

• This episode is so goddamn long oh my god.


Rose Ceremony 

First impression rose went to Rachel. Other roses go to:

Vanessa - Italian, French, Canadian Special Ed Teacher
Danielle - The only thing my notes say about her is “BOOBS”
Christen – Three things: Yellow Dress, Boobs, Teeth
Astrid – German
Corinne – Skank, asshole, nanny-owner
Elizabeth – No idea
Jasmine – Is an asshole because she cried on night one. And wasn’t sent home.
Raven – Gun-toting bible girl
Kristina – A Russian hygienist? This is a mistake of massive proportions.
Danielle M. – Normal nurse
Sarah – I think she was the runner, which is lame.
Josephine – She was given a rose but her extensions weren’t.
Lacey - Nope, not a clue
Taylor – The half-black girl whose friends hate Nick
Alexis – Shark/Dolphin
Hailey – Nooo, mama doesn’t like her.
Whitney – Pilates instructor from Minnesota
Dominique – Nope. Oh wait, she’s black too.
Jaimi – Balls on her face. But I guess most of the girls will be described that way at one point this season.
Brittany – Another damn nurse and this one is pissy pants
Liz – Wedding humper

Therefore the following girls are sent home:

Michelle – not a clue
Olivia – Alaska girl
Lauren – Law School Grad. I love when the job descriptions describe something that’s happened in the past. It could also just say “Preschool Grad”.
Briana – Another nurse
Angela - Nope
Ida Marie – She tries another trust fall on her way out. Not really.
Jasmine – Nope
Susannah – More nope

I know, I’m not a wealth of recapping knowledge but none of those fucking details matter anyway. Sit back and enjoy the ride, peeps! Can’t wait for next week. And THANK YOU!