Tuesday, January 31, 2017

The Bachelor - Week Five Thoughts

Corinne is annoying as fuck, yes, but can you even imagine how boring this season would be without her? Snooze-city, whoa. My thoughts:

• Taylor and Corinne are still fighting and I hate them both. Corinne is 12, skanky and crazy and Taylor is a smug 24 year-old who thinks she’s always right. In this case, she is, but for some reason it’s still annoying.

• Corinne tells Nick that Taylor sucks and he could NOT CARE LESS. He’s all, “Awww, I’m sorry (suck suck suck sluuuuurp).”

Rose Ceremony 

Kristina, Raven and Danielle already have roses. The others go to:

• Whitney – for real, who the fuck is this?
• Danielle – the blond, sweet, totally asexual one
• Jasmine – dancer, one of two black chicks left. Doesn’t stand a chance.
• Rachel – other black gal who stands a chance. But not really.
• Jaimi – lesbian with balls in her nose
• Josephine – extension mishap. I have a better chance of marrying Nick.
• Vanessa – Hot, normal. She should end up with Nick but will probably dump him because she’ll be the ONE chick in the history of this show who isn’t actually OK with the fact he bangs another girl the night before he proposes to her.
• Alexis – shark girl. I like her but Nick is just keeping her around for kicks.
• Corinne – Train.wreck.
• Taylor – Corinne nemesis.

 Astrid so tired... actually they all were. My god, let them sleep.

Therefore, Astrid and Sarah are sent home. Sarah cries and just wants to find love, blah blah blah. Let’s move on. More thoughts.

• They head to New Orleans and Nick says, “I can’t imagine a more perfect place to fall in love.” Ummm, I could. People love New Orleans but I woke up there once and there was vomit outside my hotel room door. And everything smelled like jambalaya. I’ll take Fiji or the Caribbean thank you very much.

• Rachel gets the one-on-one date and her downing an oyster and then gagging on it certainly was not attractive.

• There is a LOT of eating on this date. Which is awesome, so maybe I change my mind about New Orleans. Can I get beignets in Fiji?

 This how I look eating a Starbucks croissant 

 • They head to dinner at what is possibly the scariest fucking place on the planet.

• He gives her the rose and they kiss a lot. The end.

• Group date…you guys…is SO DUMB. They head to a fake haunted house. Or maybe it’s haunted, but the producers decide to make it fake-haunted and it’s ridiculous.

• Mae’s doll? That shit will haunt me until the end of time.

• Vanessa takes a stand and refuses to play Ouija. What a wet blanket.

• The chandelier falls, chairs get pulled around and the paintings have moving eyes. It would be scarier if my 8 year-old were walking around with a sheet over her head. I mean, come on.

• Nick and Danielle make out on the bench, but not totally because he wants to. It hits me that the problem with this chick is that she’s asexual. Like a starfish. Or a snail. Or a slug. Wait did I make that up? You get my drift. She’s pretty but no matter what, you don’t want to stick it in her. It’s weird.

• Two-on-one date on the bayou. Guess how I would feel about hanging out on a bayou? I’ll give you a hint. My three least favorite things on the planet are snakes, dirt and singing.

• That dude jumping in the back of their boat like a fucking hippo made me laugh out loud.

• Corinne tells Nick there’s something going on between her and Taylor. Nick says, “I know, the producers told me. And guess what? I don’t give a fuck. I don’t like her, so she’s gone after today. I don’t really like you either, but you’re hot, so you can stick around for awhile, but don’t get your hopes up sister.”

• Taylor is confident she’ll get the rose because Nick is “smart and observant”. Well, that might be true, but it doesn’t change the fact he’s just not that into you and he wants to stick it in Corinne. How many times have I used the term “stick it in” in this post? Gross, Jen.

• Nick gives Corinne the rose and they head to dinner alone. Taylor gets some voodoo shit poured on her and then heads to dinner to confront Nick. I never understand this tactic. She’ll just tell Nick what an asshole Corinne is. To which Nick SHOULD reply, “Yeah, maybe, but I don’t like you either way, mmmkay?”

That’s that, peeps. See you next week!

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Four Thoughts

I know one’s hearing starts to decline after the age of 40, so I’m curious if I’m the only one who can’t understand 92% of what Nick says? Let’s go - my thoughts…

 • Raven says, “Corinne must feel really threatened to just lead with her sexuality every time.” For a woman who makes such horrendous fashion decisions, she is oddly the voice of reason.

 The shirt. I mean...

• Taylor and Sarah wake up Corinne to basically yell at her and tell her she’s annoying. Corinne says to the camera, “You guys, just do you. I’m gonna do me.” For once, I agree with Corinne. You can hate her – that’s fine. But why do you insist on waking her ass up to let her know?

Rose Ceremony 

Vanessa, Rachel and Danielle (not the blondie. The Asian-y one with big ol’ boobies) already have roses. The others go to:

Raven – Voice of reason. Cute. Perhaps crazy, we’ll see.
Taylor – 23-year-old mental health counselor who has actually never counseled but has a shiny new degree legally allowing her to do so even though I doubt her future success in this capacity.
Whitney – Still no clue.
Kristina – Russian mafia.
Jasmine – Sassy black dancer. Code for annoying black dancer.
Alexis – dolphin lover. Seriously love her but seriously has a screw loose.
Astrid – floppy boob girl from track date last week. Also will she accept this rose? “Ruff! Yes I Ru!” That’s Astro from the Jetsons. I can’t say her name without thinking Astro.
Danielle – The other one. The blond one with small eyes. But cute.
Jaimi – balls up her nose. I SWEAR I’M NOT A LESBIAN.
Josephine – Unfortunate extensions. Seems fun. No way in God’s green earth she ends up with Nick.
Sarah – Teacher who likes to yell at Corinne.
Corinne – Disaster all around. She’d be really cute too if she wasn’t such a fucking nightmare.

So Brittany and Christen head home. Christen looks totally stoned when she says goodbye to Nick. It’s like she couldn’t decide if she was going to act mad or hurt and still hadn’t decided by the time she got up to him, so just settled on stoned and neutral.

OK More thoughts:

• Smitty walks in to tell the girls they’re about to start a journey that will take them around the globe. Well, some of you. And you get to start with….WISCONSIN! Wait, what?

• Nick and Danielle (boobie one), have the first one-on-one date and they head to a bakery to make Nickerdoodle cookies, which made me laugh out loud. Although I’m certain having Nick and boobs in the kitchen, with no gloves, making out all over the cookies violates all sorts of health codes.

• They make cookies that look like each other and then put them together to pretend they’re kissing. I really wanted Danielle to throw hers down on a chair and then yell, “Sit on my face, Nick!”

• Her laugh is tough, you guys.

• They run into one of his ex-girlfriends who tries REALLY hard to keep her engagement ring in Nick’s full view.

• They have cocktails at some hotel and I think her nipples might be blurred out. That is some serious cleavage, which looks great, sure, but is bordering on just full-on ABC boob exposure.

• He gives her the rose and walks her into a full stadium of screaming people watching Chris Lane (who?) perform. They dance and make out, marking the second time in a week they are forced to awkwardly dance and kiss in front of a theater of people.

• Group date is for: Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle and Corinne. It’s on a farm which is odd considering Nick has never stepped foot on a farm before. But he had a friend once with a farm, so close enough!

 Jaimi's white nails going to town on that cow's udder = image that will haunt my dreams

• Corinne complains about the shit everywhere, the flies everywhere and having to work hard, sweat and watch Jaimi work a cow udder. For the second time this episode, I agree with her. What an awful date. Where’s my yacht and alcohol? No thanks, manure date.

• They all shower and head to a cocktail party and I realize something. The absolute worst part about being on this show is all the showering. These chicks just got all clean and made up to go on the date. Then fell in poop and smelled like flies and tractors and had to shower all over again. So annoying.

 • Corinne hears the girls talking shit about her. She says, “I THINK some girls have a problem with me.” And claims she’s smart because she figured this out. This isn’t brainpower. This is just having ears.

• Sarah yells at Corinne some more, demanding that she tell her why she thinks she’s ready to marry a 36 year-old dude. To which I reply, “None of your fucking business, SARAH.” I mean, Sarah isn’t wrong, but I really want Corinne to yell at her and tell her she doesn’t have to answer to Sarah’s face.

• I just realized Nick’s sweater on this date makes him look like an old man. Or Mr. Rodgers. Just casually walking around from fake living room to fake living room filled with too much dark leather furniture making out with everyone.

• Kristina gets the rose. I guess Nick wanted to mix things up. I mean, he can’t give every rose to Vanessa, Boobs and Corinne’s vagine.

• One-on-one date with Raven is a close second in shittiest dates ever, behind the farm date. Watching a 10-year-old soccer game when the kid isn’t mine? And then roller skating with 20 of her friends? Where are all these 10 year old’s moms? Chicks like me, who totally know and love the Bachelor? They were probably all drunk in the roller rink party room, staring at Nick. Also, did every single parent of all the kids on both soccer teams have to sign waivers to be on TV? Things a 41 year-old blogger thinks about.

Hold the phone, is this kid INSIDE the machine? That doesn’t seem right. 

• They head to dinner at an awesome museum. They roller skate around it after dinner and I’m CERTAIN the museum didn’t OK that shit.

• Raven tells Nick about the time she walked in on her boyfriend thrusting another woman. Let’s stop here for a moment. Do not EVER use the term “thrust” unless you’re talking about an airplane and the mechanics of lift. Do not EVER use it while discussing intercourse. Also don’t use the term intercourse.

• She beat the shit out of him, which is great because he deserved it, but also slightly terrifying.

• He gives her the rose, mostly because he’s afraid.

• Taylor and Corinne decide to snuggle together under a blanket by the fire to talk about how much they hate each other. The bottom line is this: They’re both YOUNG and kind of asshole-y.

That’s it. I hate it when I don’t get an end-of episode rose ceremony. See you next week!

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

The Bachelor - Week Three Thoughts

For SURE, I’ve never been under my couch as many times as I was during this single episode. I mean, for real.

My thoughts:

• The Liz thing boggles me. They had sex BEFORE he was on the show. He didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t do anything wrong. Why would he be concerned the chicks would be mad? Why would they actually be mad? Jasmine says, “I think some people are still confused by it.” Yeah, like ME. Why are we even talking about this? Raven agrees with me. Nick asks her how she feels about it and she says, “Fine! I feel great about it! As a matter of fact, I LOVE IT. LOOK HOW EASY GOING I AM.”

• First under the couch moment: Corinne and the whipped cream. But I’m even confused when she’s in the bathroom alone. With a trench coat. Is she like a skank detective?

• She creeps downstairs in her detective robe and takes Nick outside and it is BEYOND embarrassing. This isn’t something you do on the driveway on a picnic blanket. She shoots whipped cream into his mouth and then eats some out of it. My god, have we no concern for general hygiene?

 "Isn't this hot, Nick?"

 • Corinne is upset because Nick won’t bang her on the driveway, so she goes to bed. She already has a rose, so this is the only thing she does that I agree with. Why not? That shit goes on until 5am, and I have a rose? Hell, yes, I’m going to bed.

Rose Ceremony 

Danielle, Christen and Corinne already have roses. The rest go to:

Astrid – Will always be the name of the Jetson’s dog. OK that’s Astro, but it’s still what I think of. Also, she’s not going to last long here.
Taylor – She’s YOUNG. And I can’t tell if she’s stunning or odd looking.
Whitney - I think he says Whitney, but he mumbles so I’m not sure. Also who the hell is Whitney?
Kristina – Russian masseuse. OK She’s a hygienist but I think they’re wrong. She’s a masseuse.
Danielle – The Asian one. Oh stop, you were all thinking it. Wait, is she Asian?
Vanessa – Frontrunner. She’s cute, normal and smart. And speaks languages and shit. You know, cultured.
Raven – Bible thumping store owner with a side of sass. She would fuck you up if you pissed her off.
Jaimi – Balls in her nose. Lesbian.
Dominique – Totally being ignored here.
Sarah – She’s a cute little school teacher. Not sure if she can keep up with Nick’s sluttiness.
Alexis – Shark impersonator. Nick calls her name and she says, “Move bitches.” You guys, she’s me.
Brittany – Nope no idea. But I think she’s angry.
Josephine – Bad extension job.
Jasmine – She’s the sassy black dancer.

Therefore, the following three chicks go home: Lacey, Hailey and someone in a yellow dress. You don’t care, don’t worry about it.

More thoughts:

• Back Street Boys group date is for Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine and Corinne. The girls lose their shit when the BSB walk in. Sarah says, “The 12-year old inside me is dying right now.” She’s 26, so this must mean I should say, “The 27 year-old inside me is dying right now!” Why is that depressing as fuck?

• The girls are backup dancers for BSB for one song. I admit, I would’ve loved that shit. Danielle “wins” but somehow gets punished for winning and is forced to 8th-grade-slow dance with Nick on the stage. This is horrifying. I’m under the couch. Again.

• Corinne tells the girls about her nanny. Here’s the thing. She’s just using the wrong word. If she said that Raquel is her “personal assistant”, we’d all think she was super busy and powerful. I’ve known many single girls who have insane careers and hire personal assistants to run errands and shit for them. So the problem here is with Corinne’s stupid brain.

• Also, she can’t dance very well so she says, “This was the worst day of my life.” So now she’s also a horrible person.

• The fucking Zero G plane is absolutely my worst nightmare. The only thing that would make that worse is if there were snakes on it.

 • Vanessa gets the Zero G puke date and…she pukes. Nick says to her, “I think there’s a puke nugget of blueberry muffin stuck in your tooth, here let me get it with my tongue ARGHAGH SLUUUURP.” So fucking gross.

 "Are you puking??? Let me check."

• Second group date is for Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany and Dominique. They have to compete in various track events and I’m concerned none of them have ever been exposed to exercise before.

• Astrid bra = Jen under the couch.

• The final event is a short sprint to grab a giant engagement ring and meet Nick in a temporary hot tub placed on the field. Did you just read that? I want to high five whoever thought of that. Amazing. Astrid gets the ring despite coming in third, and Nick is bummed. Just a hunch. I AM glad she gets a chance to soak her boobs since they must be sore from all the rigorous sloshing around.


• Dominique’s eyelashes are bananas.

• Jaimi says to Nick, “I just don’t want you to think I was, like, the weird lesbian.” Nick’s eyes get huge and he replies, “NO NO NO, uh, of course I NEVER thought that, nor does ANYONE else, I’m sure. I didn’t think you were a weird lesbian. You just scream normal heterosexual.” Ahhh, calm down, I’m sure she’s a nice person, but she does look a smidge lesbian-ish.

 • He sends Dominique home because instead of getting to know him, she yells at him for not paying attention to her. Great tactic, always. He gives Rachel the rose.

• Nick has a pool party the next day. 17 half-naked horny girls with Nick and lots of alcohol. This can’t end well…(says the producer as he high fives the other producers.)

• Alexis, “This is the worst pool party I’ve ever been to.” I need to hang with this chick.

• Corinne takes Nick into a bounce house so she can mount him and the other ladies are NOT pleased. Vanessa is feeling a bit territorial about Nick now that’s he’s eaten her puke, so she takes him out front to yell at him a bit. She’s got potential but needs to back off. I guess the girls have a point – if he likes Corinne, he’s probably not the type of guy who wants to marry the teacher. But it’s like day two and he’s got a penis so he’s allowed to be ridden in a bounce house.

• Josephine singing after the credits is my last under-the-couch moment of the night. Nick deserves a prize for keeping a straight face during that.

That’s it for this week, peeps! See you soon.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

The Bachelor - Week Two Thoughts

Ugh, I’m tired already. And Corinne needs to take a de-skanking workshop.

My thoughts:

• Rachel got the first impression rose and wants to “continue making great first impressions with him.” Just think about that for a second. Sigh. I hate everyone.

• I love it when Smitty (Chris Harrison’s nickname, no idea why), tries to really bring out the crazy in the chicks by saying things like, “Not everyone will get a date with Nick this week so when you’re with him, you REALLY need to make the most of your time.” I mean, they’re fucking crazy enough, Smitty. They don’t need more encouragement. Corinne, case in point.

• Group Date one is a fake photo shoot with a fake photographer, where each lady sports a different type of wedding dress. Definitely in the top five worst date ideas ever but I’m a huge fan of the photographer, wow.

• Let’s talk about Corinne. She’s a skank. And she’s a skank because she’s insanely insecure so this is the only way she gets dudes to like her. When she feels threatened, she tells the girls she kissed him on night one. Sex is her security blanket. Sexcurity blanket. Security Sexket. I don’t know. Either way, chick needs to read a book or something.

• Photographer, and I quote: “Who’s been naughty in Vegas and needs a little spanky spanky?”

• Corinne talks about stepping up her game. “Stepping up her game”… does she think she’s an Olympic swimmer or something? She’s talking about upping her skank game. Skame?

 Awww, she's fun.

• Corinne wins the date, but the photographer was the judge so come on.

• Raven (gun-toting, bible lovin’, fake store owner), is oddly the voice of reason for this entire episode. There are actually a couple chicks who say things like, “If he likes Corinne and the aggressive type (code for slut-a-licious), then he can’t be interested in a wife, or a girl like me.” But for some reason, I only believe it when Raven says it. The other chicks will say it but the moment Nick pulls them aside to cuddle, they’ll be all, “Mmmm Nick, I love you be my husband.”

• Corinne interrupts everyone to steal Nick multiple times, and pussy Nick says yes every time. Actually he’s not a pussy. His penis is just hungry for some Corinne vagine. Again Corrine, THIS DOESN’T MEAN HE LIKES YOU. Anyhoo, then Taylor interrupts Corinne and she is furious. Skank furious. Skankurious.

• Mic drop moment: Raven says, “If he likes someone who leads with her sexuality then no wonder it’s his 4th time.” BOOM. I bet she marries him.

• One-on-one date with Danielle. She’s clearly super nice, super normal and relatively cute. She will never end up with Nick. Also, this guy almost died on their date:

Dude, MOVE! 

• Back at the skanksion (skank mansion), Liz is dying to tell someone about the fact she’s banged Nick already, because she too is feeling insecure. So she tells Christen. And then they talk about it again and again. And again.

• Back on the date, Nick gives Danielle the rose and says, “This is the easiest decision I’ve made in giving out a rose.” In an unexpected twist, Corinne pops out from under the table and says, “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? WAS IT EASIER THEN WHEN I GOT MINE?! I’m panicking here. QUICK! Touch my vagina!”

• I’m very confused at the fake break ups. Is this a show? Why would that be fun to watch at all? I’m under my couch at home – I can’t IMAGINE how awful that would be to watch in person. Awkward-city whoa.

• Jaimi dated a girl once! I didn’t see that one coming! Oh wait, yes I did.

• Nick pulls Liz aside and sends her shit home. Then panics about telling the other girls. I don’t quite see why? They all banged other dudes (in Jaimi’s case, other girls), before they got on the show. Hell Corinne is banging someone else back at the mansion as we speak. (Her vagine can only go so long without penetration before it starts to atrophy.)

No rose ceremony because they end the show on a fake cliffhanger of Nick telling the girls he’s actually had sex before. So next week, peeps – see you then!

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

The Bachelor - Nick!

You guys. It took me all day to write this. Do I have the energy for another season? I don’t know. But I WILL say this: I’d take Nick rubbing around on top of me naked any day.

This is an exhausting two hours of too many chicks to keep track of, and too many names and fake careers to note. So instead of the full play-by-play, I think I’ll keep this season to my bullet points, mmmkay? As a reminder, I love all my readers so much and want to thank you for reading this crap every season. I don’t want to let anyone down with my shortened format, but mama’s tired.

For the record, I like Nick. I find him super hot for some reason, despite the pube-like hair. I also think he’s funny. If he chooses some ass though, I’m going to hate him again. Aaaaand my thoughts:

• Sean Lowe is annoying, Farmer Chris is hopeless and Ben is PALE.

• Let’s meet the girls…Starting with this one. She’s 31, a lawyer and loves to vacuum.

These are her sorority sisters. In a rented room at the local library. If she’s really a lawyer, there’s no way she’d bring cameras from THE BACHELOR into her office, right? 

• Vanessa is cute. She’s from Canada and speaks French but she’s 100% Italian? Her accent, and clothing choices while working in a school setting, confuse me.

• Josephine is too young. And has one of the most horrendous extension jobs I’ve ever seen.

• Raven likes to go muddin’, shoot guns and worship. Oh boy. She also works in a store of some kind and the Bachelor cameras follow her there. She says, “I want to go over the daily sales goals.” Then she looks at the camera and says, “Is that right? Y’all, I don’t know what a sales goal is? Hush now!” (hush now? I don’t know. It sounded southern in my head)

• Corinne is a 24-year-old asshole with an incredibly severe bladder control problem. That’s the only reason I can come up with to justify the fact she has a nanny? I hate her immediately. Also she no more runs her parent’s business than her fucking nanny does. OH! I forgot to mention her vagine. Yes, she stole my word and I'm pissed about it. But let's discuss her platinum vagina. Platinum? So it smells like metal and silver cleaner.

• Clearly there is something wrong with Alexis, the shark/dolphin girl, but I sort of love her. We’ll never figure her out, I’m sure, because they’ll edit the shit out of her, but she was cracking me up with the dolphin costume ALL NIGHT LONG. That was the best part – she hung with it. And drank in it:

• Danielle, the neonatal intensive care nurse, is far, far too normal (and boring). She’ll make it far but won’t win.

• Speaking of not winning, I mean honestly, what are the odds that testicles-in-her-nose lesbian marries Nick? I meancomeon.

• Liz didn’t have sex with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Wait, let me rephrase that. She definitely had sex with him, but she never says that to the camera. It’s totally dubbed in. They never actually show her face when she says it. Doesn’t change the fact they humped, but it bugs me when the producers are so super asshole-y.

Liz and Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. But WHAT is happening with girlfriend on the left? 

• Danielle and her boobs are the first out of the limo. I mean, girlfriend. I get it – you’re hot and you have nice boobies, but isn’t there SOMETHING to be said for not having to show it all? OH MY GOD I’M 41 AND I AM MY MOTHER.

• I really really really really wanted Nick to drop the trust fall girl.

• Jasmine (one of them) brought Neil Lane, who is obviously stoked at the fact he gets more airtime this season. Wait, no he’s not.

• Jaimi pulls balls out of her nose. Let me repeat that – she pulls BALLS OUT OF HER NOSE. And tells Nick she’s sweaty. I mean, how could you NOT be attracted to her?

Briana the nurse: “Hahahahhahahahahaha I’ve never actually used one of these before hahahaahahaaaaaaa.” 

• Lots of black ladies. Or half black ones, anyway, so nice try on the diversity, ABC.

• This episode is so goddamn long oh my god.

Rose Ceremony 

First impression rose went to Rachel. Other roses go to:

Vanessa - Italian, French, Canadian Special Ed Teacher
Danielle - The only thing my notes say about her is “BOOBS”
Christen – Three things: Yellow Dress, Boobs, Teeth
Astrid – German
Corinne – Skank, asshole, nanny-owner
Elizabeth – No idea
Jasmine – Is an asshole because she cried on night one. And wasn’t sent home.
Raven – Gun-toting bible girl
Kristina – A Russian hygienist? This is a mistake of massive proportions.
Danielle M. – Normal nurse
Sarah – I think she was the runner, which is lame.
Josephine – She was given a rose but her extensions weren’t.
Lacey - Nope, not a clue
Taylor – The half-black girl whose friends hate Nick
Alexis – Shark/Dolphin
Hailey – Nooo, mama doesn’t like her.
Whitney – Pilates instructor from Minnesota
Dominique – Nope. Oh wait, she’s black too.
Jaimi – Balls on her face. But I guess most of the girls will be described that way at one point this season.
Brittany – Another damn nurse and this one is pissy pants
Liz – Wedding humper

Therefore the following girls are sent home:

Michelle – not a clue
Olivia – Alaska girl
Lauren – Law School Grad. I love when the job descriptions describe something that’s happened in the past. It could also just say “Preschool Grad”.
Briana – Another nurse
Angela - Nope
Ida Marie – She tries another trust fall on her way out. Not really.
Jasmine – Nope
Susannah – More nope

I know, I’m not a wealth of recapping knowledge but none of those fucking details matter anyway. Sit back and enjoy the ride, peeps! Can’t wait for next week. And THANK YOU!