Monday, February 27, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Nine Thoughts

YOU GUYS. It ended after 60 minutes! It was amazing! The night hadn’t dragged on for 4000 fucking minutes and I didn’t want to pull my eyes out yet. Why can’t it always be one hour? And then Harrison dick punches us all by telling us next week is three goddamn hours? I mean, that is sadistic shit.

OK Thoughts:

• Andi segment is ridiculous. Awkward city when she walks in, followed by sex talk (“bang away, good sir”, she says), and almost-flirting. Gross.

• Rose ceremony takeaways: Raven is sparkly, Vanessa’s boob is ready to jump out and say bonjour, and Corinne’s platinum vagine is given the big boot.

• Corinne wins points in my book for two reasons: 1) She doesn’t demand answers from Nick as to why she was deleted (He just doesn’t like you as much. It’s not rocket science, it never is). And 2) She says she won’t ever kiss a man’s ass again. Good for you, girlfriend. I mean, you totally will, but it’s good to have goals. Also, you didn’t really kiss Nick’s ass – you threw your ass ON him. Is that what you meant?

• They go to Finland. It’s the Northest Nick has ever been, just FYI.

• Raven and Nick take a helicopter ride and then head to a pub to play darts. She says, “I feel like this could be an every day kind of thing if we were together.” Why do they ALWAYS say this? You are jobless, in Finland for fucks’ sake, and about to have sex with a new dude for 14 hours straight in a glass hut under the Northern Lights. Nothing about this situation is everyday. Except for the 14 hours of sex – just ask my husband.

• That was a joke.

• When the local guys are talking to Raven and Nick about playing darts with them, I keep wanting to say “Big Summer Blowout, ya!” Then I remember Frozen was in Norway, not Finland.

• Don’t tell America you haven’t had an orgasm before. Just don’t. Tell Nick when the cameras leave that night. Or just fake one and don’t deal with it.

• Raven says her cheating ex couldn’t give her an orgasm, so she deduces that you must have to trust whoever you’re having sex with to orgasm. My college self vehemently disagrees with this statement. College Jen might even lobby for the opposite statement – distrust and lying dirtbags sometimes makes the best sex. Actually, that’s just something I’ve, ummm, heard.

• Nick’s turtleneck is very… turtlenecky.

• Raven tells us she’s only been “sexually active” with one man. I wonder how many she’s been sexually inactive with? I’ve been sexually inactive with a lot of dudes. It’s so much easier.

OK I’m going to go to sleep and try to save up my energy for next Monday’s marathon.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Eight Thoughts

Hi people. So…confession: I actually watched the Bachelor while I was in Cabo last week. But I was so hammered that I wasn’t even able to find my computer. I certainly wouldn’t have been able to write coherently. WAIT! I should’ve done a drunken video thought-dump! Damn!

So last week, he cut it down to four: Rachel, Corinne, Raven and Vanessa. They also just announced Rachel as the new Bachelorette, so it’s really down to three. And nobody in their right fucking mind would marry Corinne, so its between Raven and Vanessa. I mean…right? Don’t tell me. I don’t read spoilers. Anyhoo, some thoughts:

• As he gives Corinne her rose, he tells her that he’s excited to meet Raquel. Then he adds, “Because no way that shit is real.”

• Wow, Hoxie, Arkansas. I would’ve paid money to see the look on Nick’s face when he walked out of the airport.

• So riding the ATVs in the mud actually looks super fun. Like, to do once or twice, ever. Not every Friday night, followed by humping my boyfriend on top of a grain bin.

 OMG SNAKES... ARE YOU SHITHEADS CRAZY?

 GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF, there are leeches crawling into your vagine. 


• Raven’s family is sweet and lovable and huggy and I love them. Plus I like it when the entire family keeps telling Nick how they thought they’d hate him.

• Rachel takes Nick to church and I want to punch her now. I don’t know why. I just do. There’s no room in the entire planet that Nick belongs in LESS than that one.

• Rachel’s sister married a whitey too. And in an ironic twist, he is forced to do this:

WTF? I’m all for chivalry but get your own ass up. 


 • Does Corinne think spending asshole amounts of money while shopping will make Nick want to be with her? I don’t get it.

• When Nick meets Corinne’s family, he hugs Raquel and I actually hear her whisper, “Ohhh thank you nobody has ever hugged me before. Please get me out of here.”

• Dad scares me a bit. I would not want to piss him off. Plus he’s a drinker, no?

This is totally how I relax on my bed with my DAD.


• At the end of the night, Dad says to the camera, “She’s the lid to Nick’s pot.” Well now THERE’S an analogy I can honestly say I’ve never heard before.

• Vanessa is clearly the hottest and most normal chick there. However, there are glimpses of freaky control shit going on. Like how she demands that Nick go over Italian words and what to say when he walks in the door, etc. I can’t shake this feeling, you guys. Something ain’t right. Call it my Bachelor gift. God, that’s pathetic.

• Things did not go well with Vanessa’s mom. Things also apparently did not go well for Vanessa’s sister in the tanning booth. Whoa.

• Why is THIS the only hometown date where people are talking about their future plans? Sure as fuck NO way Nick is staying in Hoxie, Arkansas.

• Everyone in this family has Vanessa on a giant pedestal and no man will live up to their standards. Of course, it’s NICK, we’re talking about – the reality TV dude, so they might have a point. I’ll shut up now.

• Vanessa’s Dad is terrifying.

• Vanessa’s Dad also totally calls out Nick on the fact that he’s asked FOUR dads for permission to marry their daughters. I mean he has a point. It’s actually a super rational and normal concern. Granted, he doesn’t need to be so fucking scary about it.

• Later on, Vanessa’s Dad tells Vanessa that Nick asked for his permission to marry her but that he also did for all the other chicks too. Vanessa says this makes it less meaningful and they need to reevaluate everything. You HAVE seen this show, no?

• Good ‘ol Andy is there. They might hump. We will see.

See you next week!

Thursday, February 9, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Six Thoughts

Holy crap! It was a Bachelor blood bath, you guys! We cut this shit in half! We started this episode with 12 chicks and ended the show with 6? That is MY kind of episode. OK here are my thoughts. And yeah, sorry this is two days late. I was in Vegas. Oh shit and next week I’m in Cabo! So no thoughts next week. I’m there all week with shit Mexican Internet so I think I have to just skip that one. Sooooorry.

• Taylor whines to Nick. He claims she “just wanted to express herself.” Yeah? Well I just want to express myself too. Here I go. Taylor, shut the fuck up.

• Corinne says to the camera, “Cats have nine lives and bitches have two.” Ummm, is it just me or does this not make fucking sense? Is she the cat in this scenario? Or is this something 20-somethings say and I don’t get it because I’m 40?


Rose Ceremony 

Corinne, Rachel and Danielle (the blond one) all have roses already. The rest go to:

Kristina – Russian manicurist.
Raven – Fatal Attraction Raven. But oddly, like, the smartest one.
Vanessa – Super cute, seemingly normal. Wants no part of this show.
Danielle – the non-blond one. Is super empty inside. But very hot.
Jasmine – This bitch is crazy, yo.
Whitney – Week six and still no clue.

Therefore, Josephine, Alexis and Jaimi are sent home. Those were three long overdue departures. I liked Alexis actually, but you know. She was a shark and crazy, so she was doomed.

 • In St. Thomas, Kristina gets the first one-on-one mostly because he can’t give every one-on-one to Vanessa or Corinne’s vagina.

• I want to kill myself when Kristina tells her story and I want to go to Russia and adopt everyone. Ugh.

• Back at the hotel, Corinne has forced a maid to bring her food and shit. She claims Raquel will be jealous. I think…not. Raquel is in fucking hog heaven right now, sitting on her ass and praying Nick chooses her, so her cheese pasta making days are over.

• Jasmine is freaking out for the 15th time this hour.

• Group date is for Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle (blond), and now-crazy-as-fuck Jasmine. This date goes down in FLAMES. You mix these chicks with one dude, lots of alcohol, too much sun and then physical activity and it’s the perfect storm of misery. EVERYONE cries. I’m not entirely sure why and neither are they. Volleyball put them over the edge.

• Also, Vanessa is lucky she didn’t lose an entire goddamn ear when she decided to play volleyball with those flailing drunk people and massive hoop earrings.

• After-party: Everyone is still pissed but Jasmine has reached an entirely new level of embarrassing and insane. I’m ALMOST under my couch when she is talking to Nick alone. But I was totally enjoying Nick’s face stare at her with Oh-man-I-can’t-stand-her-eyes.

• So yeah, Jasmine is horrendous and props to Nick for sending her shit home on the spot. Public Service Message to Future Contestants: If the bachelor isn’t giving you alone time or reassurance, it’s probably because he doesn’t like you. This isn’t rocket science, people.

• Two-on-one date is unbelievably boring. Props to the producers for realizing how insanely snooze-worthy that was and editing it down to five minutes…which were still unbearable.

• He rubs Whitney’s thighs for a bit and then says, “I’m sorry, what’s your name again? Whitney, right, right…and you’ve really been here the whole time? Huh, who knew.”

• He sends Whitney home, which was a no brainer. Then he later sends Danielle home, which is kiiiind of horrifying for her, as she thought she had it in the bag after Whitney got the boot. I could tell she was about to get the boot because he wasn’t chomping on her face like he does Corinne during the fake dinners.

• Also, I’m just glad there’s only one Danielle now.

• We end the show with Nick crying. He goes into the girls’ hotel room and tells them he’s not sure any of this is working and then leaves. So that was weird? Did they need to know that? Here’s my two cents on Nick’s breakdown: People are saying he’s fucked in the head and not ready for this even though he’s been through this three times. They’re saying he’s messed up and isn’t ready to love anyone. Here’s what I think: Let’s not overthink this, people. He’s 36 and somewhat normal. He’s fine and capable of falling in love. Most people are. He just doesn’t like many (any) of these chicks. Boom. Frase mic drop.

OK I’m kidding. He’ll like one enough to propose to at the end, I’m sure. Whether that lasts, we’ll see. I mean, it won’t last but I’m trying to be optimistic. OK Down to 6! Oh shit, sorry again about Cabo. I’ll see you in two weeks! Thanks for reading, guys!