Tuesday, March 14, 2017

The Bachelor – Finale Thoughts

It looks really cold in Finland. I recognize this isn’t a groundbreaking comment but after 400 years of blogging, I might be out of shit to say. Here are some thoughts:

• Nick’s Dad, Chris, is talking about the entire Bachelor experience with Nick and says, “At times, going through this was excruciating.” Fuck, I HEAR you on that one, Chris.

• Vanessa is chatting with Nick’s mom and asks her if it’s normal that she doesn’t feel 100% ready to get engaged. I can answer that. Yes, it’s totally normal not to feel 100% ready to get engaged when you’ve been dating a guy for three weeks and he humped someone else LAST NIGHT. However, it is NOT normal to tell your almost-fiancé’s mom that you’re not sure you want to marry her son. Your honesty isn’t going to win you points here. Look, if you want to win this show, you should never be honest. You suck it up and pretend to be something you’re not and pretend you’re OK with this fucked up premise and lie. THEN you’ll win and you can dump out all your crazy once you’ve landed your man. Got it?

• Vanessa asks Nick’s dad if love is enough to make a marriage last. God, I hate her right now. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK? Honestly, did you honestly expect him to say, “YUP! Nothing else matters. Not a goddamn thing. Just love.”

• Once dad breaks it to Vanessa that no, dipshit, love is not enough, she starts crying her eyes out. “WHAT?!? I HAVE TO COMPROMISE??! What about Sunday brunch? Fuck this, ‘Nessa OUT.”

• Sigourney Weaver sister wants to know if Nick is concerned his love won’t be reciprocated. He replies, “You HAVE seen my past on this franchise, right?”

• Last date with Vanessa oddly consists of horseback riding (“this is so pretty”, “this is so fun”, “this is really pretty”, “wow, this is pretty), a visit with Santa who may or may not actually be a pedophile, and then a bunch of fighting while sitting on a log. I zone out totally and didn’t hear a second of this. I am SO TIRED of talking about feelings and fears.

• I like it when Vanessa says to the camera that her not knowing if she’s the one yet, makes it less romantic. YOU THINK? That’s like saying when it rains, it’s wet outside. But really, it’s not as romantic when your soon-to-be fiancé still can’t decide if he’ll propose to you or someone else the next day? Weird!

• Ice skating with Raven. I HATE that “kiss me” song. So they have fun together, but this is when I realize he ain’t picking her. They play up their relationship as so easy and playful. They never have to talk about journeys and fears. They just hang out. When it’s so obvious she’s the better play for him, that’s when you know he actually picks the other one. 
Is that a massive dead reindeer they’re sitting on? 

• Raven and Nick are sitting on the couch and she’s not bitching and crying and demanding answers. She says to him, “I’m ready and I love you.” Man, how can he not look at her and think, “Fuck this is so much easier than my alternative.”

• Raven is overly confident. Maybe it’s the orgasm she finally had last week, but she says things like, “The next time I see him he’ll be my fiancé instead of my boyfriend.” Eeeeek.

• NEIL LANE! In FINLAND! He’s all, “It’s cold as shit in Finland.” Also, Neil forgot his jacket so he’s frozen solid, but whatever.

• He pulls out some rings for Nick to check out and says, “Now this one is the biggest ring I’ve ever done.” PICK THAT ONE. Duh. I mean, Nick, come on.

• Neil tries to sell Nick on another ring by calling it “classical”. Nick responds with, “Not classic?” Neil says, “No way. This one is classical.”

• Nick is proposing in the same room where my kids sat on Santa’s lap last Christmas.

• Raven arrives first…the kiss of death. He tells her he loved so much about her, but he’s not in love with her. His heart is somewhere else. She replies with, “I hope it’s in Canada, you dick, because if it’s not, that shit is doomed. Good luck, captain jerk off.” She didn’t say that.

• I cry for Raven and I hate myself for it. He then proposes to Vanessa, but I feel like she’s less crazy here so I’m beginning to like her again. But I won’t like her again in 8 minutes on the After the Final Rose special.

• After the Final Rose: Some Hollywood makeup lady got her fucking hands all over Raven’s face and I’m all, “Where’s my Raven?! Who is this skank?”

• Raven is going to Bachelor in Paradise, where her odds are actually much better.

• Vanessa and Nick are doomed. I never want the final couple to be doomed but these two are. They don’t look happy, especially Nick. She’s all over his ass, guaranteed. I’m shocked to learn she’s heading to America but still, I fear this relationship will suck the life out of both of them.

• I can’t tell if they’ve been fighting a lot or is it just because fucking Chris Harrison asks them no less than 10 times if they’ve been fighting a lot.

• Rachel appears to be on the show for no reason. We just talked to her at the Women Tell All Special. The girl talks like she’s running for office by the way – so politically correct. Anyhoo, we soon realize she’s there so the producers can fuck with her by introducing her to four dudes from her season NOW.

• First guy is black and named Demario. He bought her Vegas plane tickets. Second guy is white, named Blake and told her she smelled good. But this franchise isn’t racist at all.

• Smitty did some crank before the special. Whoa. Host boy is hyped up!

• Dean (white) tells Rachel he’s ready to go black and he’s never going back. Still not racist show.

OK people, it’s all done for now. Rachel’s season starts in May sometime (I think), and Bachelor in Paradise is later this summer. Thanks so much for reading and sticking with me! I love you guys!

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Ten Thoughts

I think it’s funny that they couldn’t squeeze out enough content from the fantasy suite dates to fill two hours so they made the bitches fight for two hours instead. I could seriously do without the Tell All specials. They’re so stupid. As stupid as Josephine’s lipstick. Anyhoo, some thoughts:

 • I’m willing to bet money Raven didn’t have an orgasm.

• Rachel and Nick combined make the world’s worst cross-country skiing team.

• Stop talking about fears and being closed off. Next to “journey”, talking about “fear” is the second most popular discussion on this show. Third is “herpes”. Fourth is “anal doesn’t count as real sex so it’s ok, come on.” That one was just a guess.

• Rachel and Nick’s “sleigh ride” was definitely not as romantic as it looked. Guaranteed it was bumpy and jerky and smelled like reindeer shit.


• This ice bath, sauna torture sounds horrendous. Why would that be fun? I would’ve done that shit once and then said, I’m out, hot tub please.

 • Of COURSE, dunking in an ice bath turns into a platform to discuss this: If they can get though THAT, they can get through anything together. Makes total sense. Sharing a difficult four-second ice bath is a lot like being diagnosed with cancer or peeing yourself a lot after having kids or screaming at each other that you KNOW you don’t NEED Botox, but you are certain it would help. Wait, what?

• Nick says, “I want to be with someone who I can face things with.” That’s weird to want that. I’m sure NOBODY else in the fucking universe wants that. Nah, not me. I like to face shit alone. That’s right. Don’t bug me with your support and love and hugs. Fuck that.

• Conversation between Nick and Vanessa in the hot tub: “Your family is traditional.” WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?” “Easy, they’re traditional”. “No really, I’m super defensive you and have to tell me right fucking now what you mean.” “They’re traditional.” “Oh ok then.”

• We all love our families, but Vanessa needs to chill the fuck out and tell Nick he’ll be important too. She’s never leaving Montreal and if she does she’ll hate Nick for it. Not gonna work.

• Nick, “I’m proud to be an American.” Vanessa, “YEAH WELL I’M PROUD TO BE CANADIAN GOD DAMMIT.” Nick: “I know, I didn’t say you weren’t, but you asked me.” THIS is the first real time I can see that Nick is bugged by Vanessa’s defensive shit. I’m all about being a strong female or whatever, but you gotta give a little and chill the fuck out.

• I must be cranky, this post is riddled with f-bombs, my god.

• Rachel goes home, finally. I like her, I just mean we knew it was happening so it’s about time.

• Women Tell All for two hours was the worst part of 2017 so far. These bitching women are so annoying. SHUT UP.

• Someone forgot to teach Josephine the art of subtlety and being understated. She’s all, “CHECK OUT MY FACE AND SHIT!”

• Liz needs therapy.

• Corinne is going to regret this show if she ever needs to apply for a real job, but besides that, I might actually think she’s one of the more normal people up there.

• I don’t get why we’re bagging on the nap so much. They’re up all night half the time and those dates last for 12 hours. Hell yes, I’d nap.

• Taylor doesn’t like being shamed for being a counselor. I’m not shaming that. I am shaming your general smugness.

• I hope Kristina finds a husband.

• Danielle L. is trying to ask Nick why he dumped her and is croaking like a frog. She wonders why they had to go on a two-on-one date if he was just going to dump her. He replies, “Well, if I just dumped everyone I didn’t like right away, that wouldn’t make for a good show, so they sort of make me take women out and delete them more slowly. You have SEEN the show, right?” He didn’t say that.

• Dominique asks him why he rejected the qualities he wanted in someone. He replies, “I just didn’t like you.” He didn’t say that.

• Rachel is the new bachelorette and comes out on stage, surprisingly fully clothed. She said she’s honored to represent African American women in this position. Does she realize she’s not like, first lady, right?

OK Finally, finally the ending is in sight. Next Monday finale and After the Final Rose so another three hour marathon, people. Hang in there.