Tuesday, March 7, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Ten Thoughts

I think it’s funny that they couldn’t squeeze out enough content from the fantasy suite dates to fill two hours so they made the bitches fight for two hours instead. I could seriously do without the Tell All specials. They’re so stupid. As stupid as Josephine’s lipstick. Anyhoo, some thoughts:

 • I’m willing to bet money Raven didn’t have an orgasm.

• Rachel and Nick combined make the world’s worst cross-country skiing team.

• Stop talking about fears and being closed off. Next to “journey”, talking about “fear” is the second most popular discussion on this show. Third is “herpes”. Fourth is “anal doesn’t count as real sex so it’s ok, come on.” That one was just a guess.

• Rachel and Nick’s “sleigh ride” was definitely not as romantic as it looked. Guaranteed it was bumpy and jerky and smelled like reindeer shit.


• This ice bath, sauna torture sounds horrendous. Why would that be fun? I would’ve done that shit once and then said, I’m out, hot tub please.

 • Of COURSE, dunking in an ice bath turns into a platform to discuss this: If they can get though THAT, they can get through anything together. Makes total sense. Sharing a difficult four-second ice bath is a lot like being diagnosed with cancer or peeing yourself a lot after having kids or screaming at each other that you KNOW you don’t NEED Botox, but you are certain it would help. Wait, what?

• Nick says, “I want to be with someone who I can face things with.” That’s weird to want that. I’m sure NOBODY else in the fucking universe wants that. Nah, not me. I like to face shit alone. That’s right. Don’t bug me with your support and love and hugs. Fuck that.

• Conversation between Nick and Vanessa in the hot tub: “Your family is traditional.” WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?” “Easy, they’re traditional”. “No really, I’m super defensive you and have to tell me right fucking now what you mean.” “They’re traditional.” “Oh ok then.”

• We all love our families, but Vanessa needs to chill the fuck out and tell Nick he’ll be important too. She’s never leaving Montreal and if she does she’ll hate Nick for it. Not gonna work.

• Nick, “I’m proud to be an American.” Vanessa, “YEAH WELL I’M PROUD TO BE CANADIAN GOD DAMMIT.” Nick: “I know, I didn’t say you weren’t, but you asked me.” THIS is the first real time I can see that Nick is bugged by Vanessa’s defensive shit. I’m all about being a strong female or whatever, but you gotta give a little and chill the fuck out.

• I must be cranky, this post is riddled with f-bombs, my god.

• Rachel goes home, finally. I like her, I just mean we knew it was happening so it’s about time.

• Women Tell All for two hours was the worst part of 2017 so far. These bitching women are so annoying. SHUT UP.

• Someone forgot to teach Josephine the art of subtlety and being understated. She’s all, “CHECK OUT MY FACE AND SHIT!”

• Liz needs therapy.

• Corinne is going to regret this show if she ever needs to apply for a real job, but besides that, I might actually think she’s one of the more normal people up there.

• I don’t get why we’re bagging on the nap so much. They’re up all night half the time and those dates last for 12 hours. Hell yes, I’d nap.

• Taylor doesn’t like being shamed for being a counselor. I’m not shaming that. I am shaming your general smugness.

• I hope Kristina finds a husband.

• Danielle L. is trying to ask Nick why he dumped her and is croaking like a frog. She wonders why they had to go on a two-on-one date if he was just going to dump her. He replies, “Well, if I just dumped everyone I didn’t like right away, that wouldn’t make for a good show, so they sort of make me take women out and delete them more slowly. You have SEEN the show, right?” He didn’t say that.

• Dominique asks him why he rejected the qualities he wanted in someone. He replies, “I just didn’t like you.” He didn’t say that.

• Rachel is the new bachelorette and comes out on stage, surprisingly fully clothed. She said she’s honored to represent African American women in this position. Does she realize she’s not like, first lady, right?

OK Finally, finally the ending is in sight. Next Monday finale and After the Final Rose so another three hour marathon, people. Hang in there.


  1. Someone get Jen a snickers bar, she's cranky. LOL...just kidding. I love the f bombs because they are totally called for! This is the worst season ever....but I keep watching just so I can read your blog. This is where the entertainment value comes in to play. :) Love it!

  2. Nick is an idiot, period, that is why he is still single. Had to fast-forward through half the show - God I love DVRs. Spoiled little bitch Corrinne vs. Russian orphanage to self-sufficient, bi-lingual, normal, calm, cute-as-hell, intelligent Kristina - this is a no-freaking brainer, people! Nick is an idiot, period. Kristina was clearly the best choice for him.

  3. "Corinne more normal..." maybe, but chick is rocking quite the drinky prob...

  4. Between Vanessa's constant defensiveness and the mandatory weekly 3-hours lunches with her family, I'm beginning to understand why she is still single.

  5. LOL at the comment about Rachel not being the first lady, but it was Chris Harrison who asked her about being the first African-American bachelorette. So context is important here :-). Rachel clearly stated that she does not want race to be a part of her storyline. I think what's truly pathetic is we had an African-American president nine years before having a black lead on this show.

  6. Thanks so much for your bullet recaps! I don't even watch the show, but read your recaps! I love your humor. Please keep doing this! Kristen

  7. Agreed on Josephine's lipstick - it was horrendous. The mustard color dress and dark lipstick were not complementing her AT ALL. Also, was she just desperate for more screen time? Why did she come off as such a loudmouth, confrontational person when she was nothing like that in the house? I may get lambasted for this and maybe I'm just uneducated on the subject... but I don't think that calling someone out for acting like a spoiled, slutty B when they're acting like a spoiled, slutty B is bullying. It's more an observation of fact. I agree with Matt and completely love Kristina. I really hope she finds the one for her. I saw Vanessa through different eyes with this episode. She is really uncompromising. I mean, I get that you don't want to leave your country and be away from your family, but you really can't understand that Nick might feel the same way about his country and family? You didn't think about that before you signed on to do this? There is no way they work out if he chooses her. She needs someone willing to revolve their entire life around her and her family and to completely disregard their family and their wants in life. At least, that's the impression I got!

    1. I was dying when Vanessa said she was looking for a man who would compromise - because compromising takes two people and there's no way she's planning to compromise! If only one person is giving in on everything, that's not called compromising.

    2. Vanessa needs to meet someone from Montreal who has 3 hour lunches with his family on Saturdays.

  8. Taylor shouldn't counsel anyone until she grows up a little and gets her shizz together. Yes, she is book smart because she got in to Johns Hopkins. That is no easy feat but she is dumb as fu*k when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

  9. Your take, Jen, is hilarious!I wonder if Chris Harrison reads your Blog. He needs to because the the Bloopers don't cut it as much as what you write each episode.Got a huge laugh out of Raven leaving the FSuite with all the joyful music and her dancing around. No, she didn't have a O. Surely a fake, as its more likely she would be more interested in watching the Northern Lights. Vanessa, Canada is filled with great men. Find one there where your family is!!By the way, I thought they were in the hot tub and was thinking.....turn up the temperature if it feels that cold....until I saw the ice in the water. Whose idea was that!!???

  10. Chris Harrison would be my hero if he said:

    "The Women Tell All" was cancelled tonight because all the women were too bitchy."

    THAT would make me happy!!

  11. I love your posts so much - The absolute best thing about this show.