Tuesday, May 30, 2017

The Bachelorette - My thoughts. On Copper's toe.

You guys. Her dog DOES have three legs! OK not really, but it looks like it. Just FYI - I Googled it – apparently he broke his toe. Dogs have toes?


• Group date one is for: Dean, Jack, John, and some other guys. Wow, those are white names. Like, really white.

• The first group date is a barbecue and then an insanely stupid competition with a fake baby and plastic food. Oh and Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. Apparently the rules are quite soft, as everybody cheats. A real baby would’ve died in any of those Bjorns.

So I just stand here and pretend I'm barbecuing, right? 

• The after-party is at a warehouse filled with shitty old neon signs. Where did the budget go this season?

• Rachel tells us she’s not getting the romance out of this date. I wonder why? Could it be the tickle monster talking about how to wipe a baby’s asshole, Blake’s hairy chest and dog tag, or obnoxious dude who recites poems?

 The chest/necklace combo? That's the shit nightmares are made of.

• I like Dean. I am unsure if I want him having an orgasm on top of me, but I like him nonetheless.

• Kenny does NOT seem like a professional wrestler. Whaboom does.

• Peter gets the one-on-one date and it certainly comes close to the top of the “worst date of all time” list. Barkfest? I want NO part of that Parvo fest thank you very much.

• Peter and Rachel and Copper head outside to check out some fireworks… like a shitload of fireworks. Hasn’t poor Copper been through enough? With his oversized cast for his dog toe and now these loud ass fireworks. Way to mentally damage the poor dog, Producers.

• Group date two is for: Diggy, Demario, Josiah and some other guys. Wow, those are NOT white names. Like, really not white.

• DeMario’s ex-girlfriend is a smidge on the dirty side, let’s be honest here.

• Josiah definitely moans a lot during sex.

OK That’s it for me, peeps. I’m going to take the furry terrorist out to crap since my carpets have had enough.

My new pup. 

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

The Bachelorette – So there’s an Iggy AND a Diggy?

You guys. I have a new puppy. And a job. And a sick kid. I’m doing my best to get this shit out within 48 hours but it’s not lookin’ good. Some quick thoughts:

• She brought her goddamn dog to Los Angeles? And is he missing a leg?

• Kenny, the wrestler, definitely talks slow and gross when making love.

I mean, how could you NOT want to date him?

• I’m going to guess that approximately 85% of these guys are gay. Refer to photo above for exhibit #1.

• Whaboom? Seriously, what’s happening with him? I like a funny guy but that shit is exhausting.

• Blake talks a LOT about sex. And how he’s gotten better at it. And his penis. Which basically means he’s really gay, has a small penis and can’t figure out how to hump without being gross and poundy.

• Limo introductions were all ridiculous of course and I zoned out for much of it. The highlight was Whaboom telling her one of his testicles was bigger than the other. Also, I really wanted Kenny the Wrestler to body slam her.

• How did that big nerdy dude get nicknamed the Tickle Monster?

• Why is that guy vacuuming? I don’t mind it.

• Adam Junior is another highlight.

• Jamey spelled that way reminds me of gamey. Like the taste of duck.

• Bryan speaks Spanish and tells her that he’s here for something serious. I also get the feeling he will FUCKING KILL YOU if you forget to text him ten times each day.

• Also the way he almost swallows her face when kissing her will now haunt my dreams.

• Rachel says things like “I like where your headspace is at”. I don’t hate her, but there’s something very Un-Jen about her that annoys me.

• “I guess she doesn’t like someone with perfect hair and perfect facial features”. Yup, that’s it. That MUST be why she didn’t choose you. Not for the fact you’re a douche bag for saying those things. It must be because she has bad taste in hair.

• Bryan gets the first impression rose which causes him to chomp at her face more. Good god, stop! It’s actually scary to watch. What if she suffocates in there?

• I’m not listing all these people who get roses at the rose ceremony. All the black guys look the same and all the white guys look the same. There was one Asian dude in the mix and one Indian dude but they both got the boot.

• Milton didn’t get a rose and comments that he’s sad because he had a bunch of new outfits he wanted to show off. Please refer back to bullet point three above.

See you next week if my puppy terrorist doesn’t suck the life out of me by then.